Book Jacket

 

rank 5457
word count 62266
date submitted 24.11.2008
date updated 06.12.2009
genres: Science Fiction, Fantasy
classification: adult
complete

NowHere

Mardeen Smyth Gordon

The Earth is dying, and Merrilee must survive with the help of the Websters and the fairies that flitter around the edges of NowHere.

 

For Merrilee, the world ends when the mushroom clouds rise in the distance, so she leaves it all behind to travel into the mountains, where she finds a Tribe of Websters who have been living there for years, preparing as if they had seen what was to come – and as she is initiated into their way of life, she discovers why.

She learns to enter into a trance state and travel to NowHere, where the consequences of each choice are visible, like shimmering threads in a web of time. While in NowHere, Merrilee is possessed by Gaia, the consciousness of the planet Earth, and the contact influences Merrilee as she works to weave a future beyond nuclear apocalypse. In the end, the reader must choose for themselves between seven possible endings, a rainbow of options that could each be developed into a full-fledged story of the Websters’ future.

 
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tags

consciousness, fairies, fantasy, future, gaia, nuclear war, science fiction

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68 comments

 

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T.L Tyson wrote 885 days ago

Oooooooooooo
I like this.
What an idea. I really think this is great.
You are chalked full of imagination. I am impressed. You have a great voice in your MC Merrilee.
This starts off with a kick and you gallop along well. Jack, what an ass. Nice note.
She is riddled with emotion, dynamic and real. I found myself identifying with her, which is a good thing.
I am exicited about this.
Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

Maria Luisa Lang wrote 948 days ago

Dear Mardeen, To use your own wonderful phrase, this is a narrative made of “shimmering threads”: your original, fascinating story, your imaginative, effective use of Greek myth, your original, brilliant concept of NowHere and a state of hyper-consciousness linking it to objective reality—and that’s just for starters.

There’s also your protagonist and your narrative, both woven from a rich variety of psychological strands, and I admire how you skillfully use direct interior monologue to reveal the opposition between her actions and her thoughts—indeed, her monologue seems a prelude to her later interior journey.

Another shimmering thread is the sense of hope that our poor planet can survive even the worst we do to her—though a fantasy set in the future, your compelling book is also very much about the here and now.

On my shelf. Maria, The Pharaoh’s Cat

Margaret Anthony wrote 951 days ago

A thought-provoking pitch and a story that weaves between fantasy and reality. Clever ideas that make for a fascinating read. A well written first chapter had me absorbed and I sense much more good to come. Some lovely descriptive passages and very skillful writing. I'm not an editor so don't really nit-pick, I just read and in this case enjoy. Three chapters in and there is no doubt that this should have a place on my shelf. Margaret.

Freddie Omm wrote 958 days ago

fusion of mythical and mundane, everyday folks, end of the world, the mushroom cloud we all dread, potent like a lethal fairytale . . .

the fusion works well for me, gaia and her Father, the intercessions, intermissions of the divine -

your structure is complex and it may be that the idea of seven endings (properly symbolically loaded number) may out readers off, although it is also redolent of the brave new world of interactive reading .

your prose os deft, dancing full of energy to speed the story on .

the Websters of the web and of the words . . an intriguing choice of name .

it is enjoyable, your tale, and has a lot of different aspects to experience .

into the amethyst crystal to wait for the coming of winter .

you are unafraid of symbolism, in some ways a lost art, ripe for rediscovery . you are ambitious, you take risks, and this reader felt rewarded to have taken the plunge .

shelved for scope and imagination, a joyful, expansive read .

freddie
("honour")

Odysseus wrote 956 days ago

Especially in view of the pitch I thought I might try my mother’s approach to literature. She always read the ending first—so that she would know what she was travelling towards.

Here is an example of the majesty of this writing:

“Merrilee opens her eyes to see the shadowy figures around her, surrounded by the silhouettes of enormous standing stones and giant crystals centered under each of the arches reflecting the starlight. The sky above is no longer the velvety black of night, but a deep indigo in the east, violet above, lightening to ruby, topaz and a brilliant line of gold along the western horizon.
As the cloudless sky brightens to a translucent pastel rainbow, the light glistens on the tiny forms of the faeries perched on the stones above them, and the crystals capture the first rays of the rising sun, spattering spots of colored light from their internal facets across the forms of Websters, faeries and stones....
At the center of the circle and directly in front of her lies a fallen obelisk, creating an altar on which rests an enormous sphere of hematite, reflecting the stars, stones and faces of the gathered throng like a garden gazing stone. In that reflection, behind Devon and between two of the sarsens supporting a massive greenstone lintel, she glimpses green eyes framed by fiery red hair, and as she begins to turn her head to confirm that she recognizes Maire there, another form steps around a large topaz crystal at the opposite side of the circle and moves through the crowd toward her.”

This really is great stuff to read:

“On the physical plane, where the bodies of the Websters continue to drum and sing, a great flock of birds rises up from the plains and spirals over the circle of stones. Tiny birds with bright red and yellow chests and emerald green heads, they swirl over the throng and call to them to follow. Many of the creatures below hear the call, and all that have chosen so begin to dissolve into orange light and rise up with the sunbirds, in a beam of swirling energy to join their Father in the sky.”

Real New Age:

““Your choices have been made, and those that remain to live upon my surface are charged with the responsibility to remain aware of our web of connection, and to nurture the life that you have earned.”

This writing sucks you in:

“She lands in a crouch, instantly defensive as her senses are bombarded with the scene of destruction that greets her. Tents and huts lay flat all around, all dropped in the same direction as the dead and dying trees that had been struggling to survive on so little moisture. Everything is flattened perpendicular to the black cone that rises in the near distance, and Jenna feels an unfamiliar terror as she stares at the huge plume of gray ash and smoke rising from the newly formed crater....
Where is everyone? Did they leave without sending her a dreamwave to meet up with them further north? How could they have been caught unprepared? How could she have missed the warnings?
Well, those questions would have to be answered later.”

And so will the endings. A quality piece worthy of its 20 year gestation. Shelved.



Burgio wrote 681 days ago

NOWHERE
This is an imaginative story. Merilee is a likable main character because of the way Jack dumped her (not a nice guy to write a note instead of tell her face to face). The description of waking up and thinking everything is just a drill is good (exactly how I’d react). I like the idea of Nowhere: a wonderful world to which a person can escape when things are going this wrong. I think this will appeal to young adults who also wish they could escape sometimes to such a world. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Fromante wrote 816 days ago

I think everything has already been said Mardeen. So I will not bore you with anything, other than to say I really enjoy your writiing and love the story. Backed.
Norman. The Witch of Hambone Bk.3. And also, Muddledydo.

soutexmex wrote 820 days ago

BACKING you. I can use your comments on my book if you can spare the time. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

bonalibro wrote 821 days ago

Mardeen,

You really shouldn't give up on this, it's a worthwhile effort, and you clearly put a lot of work into it.

I like Merrilee very much, working two jobs, about to lose one of them through no fault of her own and, no doubt, barely surviving. When her younger boyfriend cuts her loose, she just keeps on plugging away.

Just signing on every few days to recycle the file is enough to keep it moving forward, that and returning backings got me to 150 or so. I'm going to stick it on my shelf to give you some encouragement.

Tim Chambers
Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes.

T.L Tyson wrote 885 days ago

Oooooooooooo
I like this.
What an idea. I really think this is great.
You are chalked full of imagination. I am impressed. You have a great voice in your MC Merrilee.
This starts off with a kick and you gallop along well. Jack, what an ass. Nice note.
She is riddled with emotion, dynamic and real. I found myself identifying with her, which is a good thing.
I am exicited about this.
Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

ML Hamilton wrote 901 days ago

Mardeen,

Lord, I've been in Merrilee's situation and know exactly how she feels. You do such a great job conveying all of the crap landing around her, the economy, the unreasonable boss, and the clueless coworkers who think only their problems are relevant.

It is so difficult to write in present tense, but you never slip out of it.

Great characterization and timely plotline; however, that would be my one concern. Is it too locked into the situation in the world today and will it be dated too quickly? Other than that very minor concern, I think it is well written and grammatically clean.

On my shelf,

ML

Cas P wrote 903 days ago

Hi Mardeen.
I've now had a chance to read your first four chapters. I found that the narrative flowed well and Merrilee's thoughts were well-shown. Chapter one was a good scene-setter, and Merrilee's character began to develop well. Ch 2 carried this on; my only comment would be to remove the final line. I think the 'hook' is better without it.
Your brief chapter about Gaia was fine but I would have liked to see it handled in a slightly more mystical way. For me, it was a touch bland and I think you could do a better job of creating a sense of wonder and despair.
Ch 3 was great but I did wonder about Merrrilee's lack of emotion at seeing her mother's apartment block reduced to rubble. In fact, she seems remarkably emotionless throughout. Yes, she has a brief fit at being dumped by Jack, but it soon passes. Otherwise, she's quite a flat character in the emotion department.
But altogether I think you have a great start to a story and the writing certainly flows.
Well done, and re-backed.
Cas.

Mardeen Smyth Gordon wrote 906 days ago

The use of present tense is a conscious decision which has relevance to the entire content of the story. It is actually quite difficult to maintain consistently, since it is natural to tell a story as if it happened in the past. But this story is happening in the Now and Here, and I want the reader to feel as if they are watching it unfold over Merrilee's shoulder.
The new beginning was added at the suggestion of several readers, and I feel it helps to fill out Merrilee's character and explain her motivation for leaving everything behind so easily. The bombs still drop pretty early on, and the journey begins with the same horrific catalyst, plus a bit more emotional catastrophe thrown in.
I'm glad you appreciate the editing progress that I have made, thanks to all the wonderful people here making such excellent suggestions. I hope you find time to come back and read more, and I do appreciate your support.

You seem to use the present tense a lot and I think this is a mistake. I think this story wold work better in past tense as then it would flow smoother. I also miss that great start but understand you wishing to tell us something of Merrilee's former life. As I remember from reading this before you managed this rather well by slipping a line here or there telling us about her struggles to pay the bank. Glad to see the smaller paragraphs which helps pick the pace up, so driving the tale along. This has come a long way from when I first read this and for this I will be happy to back it when I move around my shelf this weekend.

Billy Young wrote 906 days ago

You seem to use the present tense a lot and I think this is a mistake. I think this story wold work better in past tense as then it would flow smoother. I also miss that great start but understand you wishing to tell us something of Mrrilee's former life. As I remember from reading this before you managed this rather well by slipping a line here or there telling us about her struggles to pay the bank. Glad to see the smaller paragraphs which helps pick the pace up so driving the tale along. This has come a long way from when I first read this and for this I will be happy to back it when I move around my shelf this weekend.

Penny Took wrote 908 days ago

Mardeen,

Sorry it took me so long to comment, but I wanted to get further into the story before giving any opinions.

Obviously, the pitch pulled me in, and the first dozen chapters went by fast--I was totally caught up. However, it feels to me like the story is lagging a bit around the early teens. While I am interested in the way the people of the tribe live, who they are, etc., I feel like things could be condensed a bit. Maybe hold off on introductions/descriptions of characters that don't really play a key role yet.

Over all, though, I'm really enjoying "NowHere", and am looking forward to seeing how it all turns out. Great stuff!

Penny Took

Mardeen Smyth Gordon wrote 909 days ago

John,
Thanks for reading it again. I thought you would like the new beginning better. I do, too. I had a lot of fun with Mr. Diehl, and couldn't wait to kill him off in the second chapter.
The only problem with using italics for the letter is that Merrilee's thoughts have been in italics so far, and it might be confusing. Of course, when she is reading, those are her thoughts, so maybe it would be OK. If a couple of other people complain about it, I'll change it.
If you get a chance to read some of the later chapters, I would really appreciate your input.

Mardeen
NowHere

Hi Mardeen,
I read the new first two chapters and I think they are very good. I much prefer this beginning to the original one as it allows you to establish your MC's life in some detail before the fall.

The only thing I didn't like were purely technical. I wouldn't use a different font for the letter for example. I'm one of those old fashioned people that can just about cope with italics :-)

Best of luck with this

John

John Booth wrote 909 days ago

Hi Mardeen,
I read the new first two chapters and I think they are very good. I much prefer this beginning to the original one as it allows you to establish your MC's life in some detail before the fall.

The only thing I didn't like were purely technical. I wouldn't use a different font for the letter for example. I'm one of those old fashioned people that can just about cope with italics :-)

Best of luck with this

John

cat5149 wrote 945 days ago

Hi Mardeen,

You've created some strong characters, especially Merrilee, but also her boss and Phoebe. The writing is great too and I couldn't stop reading.

Carol

sperber1 wrote 946 days ago

Strong characterization, not only for Merrilee, but for her disgusting boss, Phoebe, even Jack (although we never meet him in the first chapter). Plus you have a delightful sense of humor that comes in at times, somewhat sardonic. I especially like the line where you describe Diehl's hand as five sausages attached to a pork chop, or when Merrillee's silently tells her mother that it's still nagging even if encapsulated in a cute email. I can just picture that Diehl guy lecturing her in his office without wanting to hear what she has to say. We've all been there.

Your dialogue is very good and true to each character, and of course, based on what I read in your pitch, there is a big change coming which will certainly test Merriee. I want to read more, and will. In the meantime, shelved.

Maria Luisa Lang wrote 948 days ago

Dear Mardeen, To use your own wonderful phrase, this is a narrative made of “shimmering threads”: your original, fascinating story, your imaginative, effective use of Greek myth, your original, brilliant concept of NowHere and a state of hyper-consciousness linking it to objective reality—and that’s just for starters.

There’s also your protagonist and your narrative, both woven from a rich variety of psychological strands, and I admire how you skillfully use direct interior monologue to reveal the opposition between her actions and her thoughts—indeed, her monologue seems a prelude to her later interior journey.

Another shimmering thread is the sense of hope that our poor planet can survive even the worst we do to her—though a fantasy set in the future, your compelling book is also very much about the here and now.

On my shelf. Maria, The Pharaoh’s Cat

jenny123 wrote 948 days ago

This is my first comment on a book on this website. After six chapters of NowHere, I am completely hooked. Bravo, bravo!
Jenny

soutexmex wrote 949 days ago

I really wanna read this but I can only comment on the pitches as for some bizarre reason this weekend we are unable to read any book on the website. Did like the short pitch. Felt the longer pitch could use some editing. Check out my pitches as how to SELL this story to the casual reader. Sometimes you only have one shot to grab that person's attention.

For now I will SHELVE and come back around when I am indeed able to read what you have posted. If you get the chance, would like your comments on my book, but only if you want to. No worries if you can't. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

KJKron wrote 950 days ago

You really know how to mount the pressure on to Marrilee - talk about stress. Her job - make that two jobs, her love life, time, money, the mortage, etc. Wow. She's so busy she doesn't have time to think. Isn't it ironic that Phoebe is the one to break the news to her? Well, I guess Phoebe has a little more time to look at the news. This is clever and makes you wonder - what is really important - her possession is original. Shelved.

Urania wrote 951 days ago

M, symbolic, mythical, full of synchronisity and a great MC to boot, this is a powerful contemporary fantasy novel with great realism. You wanted me to comment on the tarot - but I didn't have time to get to that, but I will - so far I love it and I think you have something quite special here. Shelved

Margaret Anthony wrote 951 days ago

A thought-provoking pitch and a story that weaves between fantasy and reality. Clever ideas that make for a fascinating read. A well written first chapter had me absorbed and I sense much more good to come. Some lovely descriptive passages and very skillful writing. I'm not an editor so don't really nit-pick, I just read and in this case enjoy. Three chapters in and there is no doubt that this should have a place on my shelf. Margaret.

Sweet Empress wrote 953 days ago

Your pitch pulled me in and the first chapter kept me reading.
KC
The Mysterious Legend of Vladimir

Elaina wrote 954 days ago

This is an amazing fusion of reality and fantasy and disaster and legend- in places the hairs on my arms stood right up, it resonated that much. And I love the play on the word 'nowhere' you use as your title- brilliant. Everything about this is top-notch and I have no need to offer a crit.

A heads-up: in ch 1: illing should be filling

Shelved.

All the best
Elaina

andyroo wrote 954 days ago

I enjoyed reading this for several reasons; your prose is confident and economic, without being dull. Your characters instill life in to your story with deft aplomb. Your story is exciting and yet it is also easy to relate to. These factors are why I will back this. I have no criticisms.

Andrew

Mardeen Smyth Gordon wrote 955 days ago

Freddie,
I am glad you caught the symbolism of the numbers, the layers of meaning behind the Websters name and their function. I wonder how many will delve deeper to discover the meaning of Mwana's name?
I am certainly glad you enjoyed it enough to give it your backing. I look forward to reading Honour and will give it equally thoughtful consideration.

Mardeen

fusion of mythical and mundane, everyday folks, end of the world, the mushroom cloud we all dread, potent like a lethal fairytale . . .

the fusion works well for me, Gaia and her Father, the intercessions, intermissions of the divine -

your structure is complex and it may be that the idea of seven endings (properly symbolically loaded number) may put readers off, although it is also redolent of the brave new world of interactive reading .

your prose is deft, dancing full of energy to speed the story on .

the Websters of the web and of the words . . an intriguing choice of name .

it is enjoyable, your tale, and has a lot of different aspects to experience .

into the amethyst crystal to wait for the coming of winter .

you are unafraid of symbolism, in some ways a lost art, ripe for rediscovery . you are ambitious, you take risks, and this reader felt rewarded to have taken the plunge .

shelved for scope and imagination, a joyful, expansive read .

freddie
("honour")

Odysseus wrote 956 days ago

Especially in view of the pitch I thought I might try my mother’s approach to literature. She always read the ending first—so that she would know what she was travelling towards.

Here is an example of the majesty of this writing:

“Merrilee opens her eyes to see the shadowy figures around her, surrounded by the silhouettes of enormous standing stones and giant crystals centered under each of the arches reflecting the starlight. The sky above is no longer the velvety black of night, but a deep indigo in the east, violet above, lightening to ruby, topaz and a brilliant line of gold along the western horizon.
As the cloudless sky brightens to a translucent pastel rainbow, the light glistens on the tiny forms of the faeries perched on the stones above them, and the crystals capture the first rays of the rising sun, spattering spots of colored light from their internal facets across the forms of Websters, faeries and stones....
At the center of the circle and directly in front of her lies a fallen obelisk, creating an altar on which rests an enormous sphere of hematite, reflecting the stars, stones and faces of the gathered throng like a garden gazing stone. In that reflection, behind Devon and between two of the sarsens supporting a massive greenstone lintel, she glimpses green eyes framed by fiery red hair, and as she begins to turn her head to confirm that she recognizes Maire there, another form steps around a large topaz crystal at the opposite side of the circle and moves through the crowd toward her.”

This really is great stuff to read:

“On the physical plane, where the bodies of the Websters continue to drum and sing, a great flock of birds rises up from the plains and spirals over the circle of stones. Tiny birds with bright red and yellow chests and emerald green heads, they swirl over the throng and call to them to follow. Many of the creatures below hear the call, and all that have chosen so begin to dissolve into orange light and rise up with the sunbirds, in a beam of swirling energy to join their Father in the sky.”

Real New Age:

““Your choices have been made, and those that remain to live upon my surface are charged with the responsibility to remain aware of our web of connection, and to nurture the life that you have earned.”

This writing sucks you in:

“She lands in a crouch, instantly defensive as her senses are bombarded with the scene of destruction that greets her. Tents and huts lay flat all around, all dropped in the same direction as the dead and dying trees that had been struggling to survive on so little moisture. Everything is flattened perpendicular to the black cone that rises in the near distance, and Jenna feels an unfamiliar terror as she stares at the huge plume of gray ash and smoke rising from the newly formed crater....
Where is everyone? Did they leave without sending her a dreamwave to meet up with them further north? How could they have been caught unprepared? How could she have missed the warnings?
Well, those questions would have to be answered later.”

And so will the endings. A quality piece worthy of its 20 year gestation. Shelved.



Freddie Omm wrote 958 days ago

fusion of mythical and mundane, everyday folks, end of the world, the mushroom cloud we all dread, potent like a lethal fairytale . . .

the fusion works well for me, gaia and her Father, the intercessions, intermissions of the divine -

your structure is complex and it may be that the idea of seven endings (properly symbolically loaded number) may out readers off, although it is also redolent of the brave new world of interactive reading .

your prose os deft, dancing full of energy to speed the story on .

the Websters of the web and of the words . . an intriguing choice of name .

it is enjoyable, your tale, and has a lot of different aspects to experience .

into the amethyst crystal to wait for the coming of winter .

you are unafraid of symbolism, in some ways a lost art, ripe for rediscovery . you are ambitious, you take risks, and this reader felt rewarded to have taken the plunge .

shelved for scope and imagination, a joyful, expansive read .

freddie
("honour")

Mardeen Smyth Gordon wrote 959 days ago

Jane,
Thank you for the support. I am glad you wanted to follow Merrilee off into the mountains, and I promise you will not be disappointed. I am working on fleshing out the first chapter, with an update coming soon.

Having lived through the 1989 Loma Prieta earthquake in California, I can tell you that in the first several hours after a major disaster, unless you yourself are being rescued, you probably will not see any emergency personnel firsthand. The first people to arrive and try to help are almost always neighbors and strangers that just happened to be nearby, and they are often injured and ill-equipped to help.

You gave me the idea to add the incredible noise of air raid sirens and fire and paramedic vehicles in the distance, however. That is one memory I must have suppressed. I will definitely make that a part of Merrilee's story. Stay tuned.

Mardeen

Mardeen, this is great storytelling. You pulled me right into your story - and kept me reading. I suppose my major nits were of the practical nature....where are all the other people? Wasn't there any kind of emergency services springing into action? But then I hate myself for nitpicking as I love the idea of the woman, her horse and dog heading off alone....
Suffice to say, you have me worrying about them, bothered about the radiation sickness and waiting with bated breath to see what happens next. I wish I found reading online easier, as I'd love to carry on but my eyes are tired and so at the end of 5 I will have to stop.
It's quite enough, however, for me to know this is a great story.
Happy to back.
Jane
(Walker)

Jane Alexander wrote 959 days ago

Mardeen, this is great storytelling. You pulled me right into your story - and kept me reading. I suppose my major nits were of the practical nature....where are all the other people? Wasn't there any kind of emergency services springing into action? But then I hate myself for nitpicking as I love the idea of the woman, her horse and dog heading off alone....
Suffice to say, you have me worrying about them, bothered about the radiation sickness and waiting with bated breath to see what happens next. I wish I found reading online easier, as I'd love to carry on but my eyes are tired and so at the end of 5 I will have to stop.
It's quite enough, however, for me to know this is a great story.
Happy to back.
Jane
(Walker)

Phil Rowan wrote 962 days ago

This is a pretty incredible story, Mardeen. I was drawn in by your pitch, which heralds a pretty original story ... and wow, we're in there in Chapter 1 - 'the last time they eliminated the funny news was 9/11'. I think this is the first story I've read where we're dealing with the aftermath of a nuclear 'incident' and you do it brilliantly. Lots of interest ing hooks and your writing takes us along effortlessly because it's really good. Backed with pleasure - Phil Rowan (Weimar Vibes)

Mardeen Smyth Gordon wrote 963 days ago

Katherine,
Thank you so much for your insightful comments. You are not the first to suggest giving more of Merrilee's world before the bomb hits, though your warning about starting with the character waking up as an amateur technique is taken seriously. Anything I can do to encourage the editors to keep reading will be very valuable if (when) I make it to the top five.
It would also help to explain why Merrilee is so quick to give up on her life and ride off into the hills. Perhaps a really bad day at work, where her boss threatens to fire her, her mom calls and nags her, her boyfriend breaks up with her, and she realizes that she will not be able to make the mortgage payment this month. It would be enough to make leaving at all behind almost a relief.
I will check out The Writer's Journey, too. It has been recommended by others, as well.
I hope you get a chance to come back for more. I will look forward to your suggestions on later chapters, which most readers on this website never reach. I am especially interested in how the ending(s) are received, and whether I need to rethink that rather unusual approach.

Mardeen

Hi, Mardeen,
You've certainly got a compelling situation here. I think it would be even more effective if we had a little more time to get to know Merrilee and her life before the bomb.
Have you ever read "The Writer's Journey" by Christopher Vogler? I recommend it highly. One thing he suggests is to begin a story with the main character's ordinary life before the crisis hits that propels him on his journey. I'd recommend you give us more of a real scene of Merrilee's ordinary life. Could we perhaps spend part of a day with her and have the bomb hit when she's on the way home? That would also give you a chance to introduce her family, her pets, her house, etc. instead of having to bring them all in as backstory. And to prepare the reader for the fact that nuclear war is an imminent possibility in this situation.
Also, beginning a book with the character waking up is a red flag for editors (of whom I am one). It's something beginning writers often do, but it's very rarely the most compelling way to begin a book. You make it more interesting than it usually is, but again, it's a red flag, and a lot of editors and agents wouldn't read past the first paragraph because of that.
I've just read 3 chapters so far--I'll try to get to more.
Best of luck,
Katherine

katehyde wrote 965 days ago

Hi, Mardeen,
You've certainly got a compelling situation here. I think it would be even more effective if we had a little more time to get to know Merrilee and her life before the bomb.
Have you ever read "The Writer's Journey" by Christopher Vogler? I recommend it highly. One thing he suggests is to begin a story with the main character's ordinary life before the crisis hits that propels him on his journey. I'd recommend you give us more of a real scene of Merrilee's ordinary life. Could we perhaps spend part of a day with her and have the bomb hit when she's on the way home? That would also give you a chance to introduce her family, her pets, her house, etc. instead of having to bring them all in as backstory. And to prepare the reader for the fact that nuclear war is an imminent possibility in this situation.
Also, beginning a book with the character waking up is a red flag for editors (of whom I am one). It's something beginning writers often do, but it's very rarely the most compelling way to begin a book. You make it more interesting than it usually is, but again, it's a red flag, and a lot of editors and agents wouldn't read past the first paragraph because of that.
I've just read 3 chapters so far--I'll try to get to more.
Best of luck,
Katherine

Onthedottedline wrote 968 days ago

This is a timely contribution to awareness-raising about the Planet's fragility, and you deal with all of the main issues very thoroughly in your engaging and beautiful prose. I like the idea of a conscious Planet. I'm not sure, as a reader, that I can cope with seven possible endings, but it's an interesting concept. Very pleased to back this. Best wishes, Tony.

C.P. wrote 969 days ago



NowHere

I think we sometime forget how quickly the world could change. Some days we think things are bad but..... This was an quite the way to start my morning. Good thing I bike. A well written piece, showing how fast a mundane life can change, become something we can't recognize. On my shelf. C.P

Bob Steele wrote 974 days ago

NowHere hooked me from the first paragraph with a dramatic scenario of nuclear holocaust. Then I was floored in C2 by a sort of metaphysical sucker punch about Gaia when my mind was busy with what happened to Merrilee after the bombs hit. Didn't understand, and moved on to C3 and found M again - good. Why do we advance five days in para 1 only to recap though? I want to hear the story as it happens, so try linear exposition from the big bang to the survivalist trek. Watch out for glitches like assuming a nylon parka will protect from rain full of radioactive fallout - I'm not buying that one! Damn, C4 and here comes that pesky Gaia again interrupting a good story - give me a clue why this is important and what it has to do with Merrilee and the action, please, if you want me to read it. Otherwise I'll skip to the next chapter and see what's happening there.
This is a good well-written story and will do well with a bit of polishing. Backed.

microbe wrote 974 days ago

Hi Mardeen, this is a great story. Enthralling first chapter. Ace writing. A nuclear bomb is a great start and premise. I am certainly backing this. I have a few suggestions. Should the other car crash into her car's rear, not her rear? (I imagined her bum!). I'd prefer 'Asian man' to 'Asian-looking man'. In fact could that sentence be tightened by saying he hit her head on? 'pointed the wrong way' seemed a bit long. In chapter 3, should she somehow find the bullets by surprise? To explain how she is taking them, if she didn't remember she had them. I want to read more, but I have to got to bed. So I am shelving and hope to return. Cheers, Helen.

Mardeen Smyth Gordon wrote 977 days ago

Kim,
Thanks for the endorsement.
Being an artist as well as a writer, I also am very visually oriented. I created the cover art to hint at the content of the story and hopefully intrigue some people to check it out. I'm curious to know whether you recognized the symbol within the earth image.
I hope you will have time to come back and read further into the story. I'll put yours on my watchlist and check it out as well.

Mardeen
NowHere

Hi Mardeen!

This is a fantastic premise to a fantasy thriller! Your pitch is really good, though I might suggest that you section your long intro into multiple paragraphs. It'll make the pitch easier for the reader to digest.

LOVE the cover! It is what caught my eye - I'm very visually oriented... Your cover is appealing and intriguing!

Inside the book, the story rolls at a nice pace. I really like the fact that you switch back and forth among your chapters - longer chapters to shorter snippets - Marilee to Gaia... Keeps the information interesting and the reader engaged. This is good stuff! Definitely going on my shelf.

Kim
Invisible Justice

Kim Jewell wrote 977 days ago

Hi Mardeen!

This is a fantastic premise to a fantasy thriller! Your pitch is really good, though I might suggest that you section your long intro into multiple paragraphs. It'll make the pitch easier for the reader to digest.

LOVE the cover! It is what caught my eye - I'm very visually oriented... Your cover is appealing and intriguing!

Inside the book, the story rolls at a nice pace. I really like the fact that you switch back and forth among your chapters - longer chapters to shorter snippets - Marilee to Gaia... Keeps the information interesting and the reader engaged. This is good stuff! Definitely going on my shelf.

Kim
Invisible Justice

Mardeen Smyth Gordon wrote 979 days ago

Bradley,
I like the stream of consciousness gut reactions. Gives me insight into the reader's mind. You are correct that the Gaia chapters alternate until they become integrated into the story with the Websters. I know you want to get to the meat (so to speak), but everything in the early chapters has a purpose, and all will be revealed in time. I will consider cutting back on the details of killing the deer, but I think the hunting trip with her father gives needed insight into her personality and relationship with him.
Thanks for backing the book!
Mardeen

Mardeen
Notes on N
Hm my second in a row of a story about the end of the world...sort of.
The other didn't ahve fairies.
Will this tale be a warning? Will I learn how to live right and in tune with the Earth? one must wonder... on with the show.
Chpt 1 - a fun terror tale - nice
Chpt 2 - a very brief intro to Gaia...has me wondering why it isn't woven into the story but possibly that will become more obvious
Chpt 3 - on her way to leaving it behind and starting up new...a small recount of events...good
Chpt 4 - hm, somewhat too cryptic? possibly it'll be every other until Merrilee joins the other world?
Chpt 5 - bleh, venison.not sure I'm all that interested in how she kills her dinner. Probably could give it to me in a couple paragraphs and get to the meeting with whoever will get her to the next world? That's what I'm hungry for heh.
Okay...stopping here but wishing you the best with this!
Thanks.
-=Bradley

Bradley Wind wrote 979 days ago

Mardeen
Notes on N
Hm my second in a row of a story about the end of the world...sort of.
The other didn't ahve fairies.
Will this tale be a warning? Will I learn how to live right and in tune with the Earth? one must wonder... on with the show.
Chpt 1 - a fun terror tale - nice
Chpt 2 - a very brief intro to Gaia...has me wondering why it isn't woven into the story but possibly that will become more obvious
Chpt 3 - on her way to leaving it behind and starting up new...a small recount of events...good
Chpt 4 - hm, somewhat too cryptic? possibly it'll be every other until Merrilee joins the other world?
Chpt 5 - bleh, venison.not sure I'm all that interested in how she kills her dinner. Probably could give it to me in a couple paragraphs and get to the meeting with whoever will get her to the next world? That's what I'm hungry for heh.
Okay...stopping here but wishing you the best with this!
Thanks.
-=Bradley

Mardeen Smyth Gordon wrote 983 days ago

Shoshanna,
Thank you! I am glad you are enjoying it so far. I recently added the part about her mother's apartment building exploding in response to a reader's comment, and I'm really glad I did. If you think of anything that would improve the story as you go along, please make suggestions.
I will return to Faerie Story myself, to find out what happens next, and I promise I will continue to share my impressions and ideas as well.
Mardeen
NowHere

Wow! What a gripping first chapter! I have to say that the idea of 7 different possible endings threw me a little in your pitch, but if your skillful execution of the book's opening is any indication--you could well pull it off. The chaos is horrifying. How is Merrilee going to survive all this--let alone cope? Well...I have to find out. Will be back to read more just for fun--and for now, shelved!
Shoshanna Einfeld
A True Faerie Story

jennyemily wrote 993 days ago

In CH3 you have a paragraph in the present tense about the dog, then go back to the past tense. I wasn't sure if this was intentional. In CH2 the font you change to is a little hard to read. CH1 is very well done. It's hard to write fully in the present tense, and you do it well. Overal, good with just those few minor points I picked up on. Backed.

Mardeen Smyth Gordon wrote 994 days ago

John,
Alright, already! I'll lose the spacing change in the Gaia chapters. It's actually the same font, just more spacing between letters. The idea was to make it more distant and unemotional, an alien consciousness, but if that comes across adequately in the writing, so much the better. The change sure has bothered a lot of people, and I don't want to do that.
I will think hard about what you said about Merrilee's motivation and response to the nuclear attack. I went through a devastating earthquake in 1989, and you are correct that most people come together and help each other out, rather than run for the hills. She needs confirmation that she has already lost everything, and there is no point in staying in her home, or a past experience that would trigger a flight response greater than the urge to stay and fight. Thanks for pointing that out. I think the opening will be stronger and Merrilee more interesting once I discover the backstory.
I like the idea that the lack of dialogue and direct human interaction creates a dreamlike quality. The aftermath of disaster is very dreamlike, or maybe nightmarish is more accurate. I will add more description of the destruction, and maybe a few more encounters with other survivors (or casualties) to amp up the feeling of disorientation.
Thanks again for your insightful comments.
Mardeen
NowHere

Hi Mardeen,
I think this is the first story I've ever read on here where by chapter 5 there hasn't been a line of dialogue. That and the absence of other human beings (excluding the guy in the other car) gives this story an almost dreamlike quality.

Perhaps it is a UK versus US thing but I found the motivation of your MC puzzling. Bomb goes off, some way away, not even damaging her home and she runs for the hills. Leaving behind, shelter against fallout (the house), possible medical treatment, her home, her family, her friends and her cat. This would be the absolute last choice of anybody in England under those circumstances, we would all be rallying round helping each other.

It is almost as though she was just looking for an excuse and anything would have done. Anyway, I found it baffling.

The Gaia sections introduce the mystic element present in your pitch. I'd lose the change of font as the chapters make a sufficient break.

Up on my shelf for a quick spin

John Booth (Shaddowdon)

John Booth wrote 994 days ago

Hi Mardeen,
I think this is the first story I've ever read on here where by chapter 5 there hasn't been a line of dialogue. That and the absence of other human beings (excluding the guy in the other car) gives this story an almost dreamlike quality.

Perhaps it is a UK versus US thing but I found the motivation of your MC puzzling. Bomb goes off, some way away, not even damaging her home and she runs for the hills. Leaving behind, shelter against fallout (the house), possible medical treatment, her home, her family, her friends and her cat. This would be the absolute last choice of anybody in England under those circumstances, we would all be rallying round helping each other.

It is almost as though she was just looking for an excuse and anything would have done. Anyway, I found it baffling.

The Gaia sections introduce the mystic element present in your pitch. I'd lose the change of font as the chapters make a sufficient break.

Up on my shelf for a quick spin

John Booth (Shaddowdon)

mikegilli wrote 998 days ago

Shelved. this is obsessive reading for me,
Merrilee is brilliantly imagined and totally real.
I think I fancy Topaz, but I didn't really figure it out yet.
Lots of luck and success with this..
May Gaia go with you!.............Mikey (The Free)

DMC wrote 999 days ago

Mardeen – back again. I’ve been reading more of NowHere. Most people comment on the first chapter(s), so after Ch1-2 I headed to Ch13 Gathering: First let me say I love the character names. And these guys seem to live and breathe – and top-notch natural sounding dialogue. You know, I don’t read many stories in present tense, and this adds an interesting lilt to your voice. I am straight in the scene as Merrilee awakes because your scene painting and attention to detail really helps me to visualise the surroundings. And I particularly appreciate Mwana’s role in the community… interesting. And Jenna is a well-drawn character. I have to mention your descriptions again, they’re wonderful – lavender glow…like a temple lit by candles etc. Very evocative. And a very nice chapter ending, what a hook! Nicely done.
I’m enjoying this!
Already shelved with my best wishes
David
Green Ore

Cas P wrote 999 days ago

Hi Mardeen.
I have to say that you've done a brilliant job of conveying the confusion, loss, hopelessness and sheer strength of will left in the aftermath of a cataclysmic event. Merrilee's life before the event is masterfully described in a few evocative and simple passages. The reader feels they know her. Then we switch to Gaia and the otherwordliness you describe coupled with Gaia's isolation resonate deep within your reader. Then you hit us with a most impressive and heart-pounding passage as Merrilee experiences the end of her world.
Excellently done and a very good read.

My only slight crit would be to lose the majority of your exclamation marks.
On my shelf.
Cas.
KING'S ENVOY

DMC wrote 1000 days ago

Your premise is irresistible!
On my WL and I'll be back with comments shortly...
Best wishes
David
Green Ore

ML Hamilton wrote 1007 days ago

Mardeen,

A completely captivating and timely first chapter. Your novel is certainly a warning to the planet. The descriptions, particularly of the cars losing power and crashing into each other, was quite visual and intense. I could feel myself tensing as I read it.

My only nitpick is insignificant, but I see it's been mentioned before in your reviews. The last sentence in chapter one says something about the mc's life being over and then her camero being ruined. Honestly, I stopped and frowned. Who cares about a blasted camero when the world has suddenly gone mad? It seemed like a morbid attempt at humor that fell flat.

Other than that one tiny issue, I really enjoy the two chapters I read.

On my shelf,

ML

JANVIER wrote 1007 days ago

Hello Mardeen,
The first three chapters already reveal a well written story. I enjoyed the characters you crafted. They are vivid and full of life. Your descriptions are succinct and your usage of dialogue and narrative were timely in relating the story. I see a compelling plot and setting here; done through a smooth writing and good pacing.

Your story deserves more publicity because it will strike a cord with a very wide readership. Rightly shelved.


All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Paolito wrote 1008 days ago

NowHere...

Okay, you actually do have some dialogue, but not until chapter 9...a very risky strategy in today's market, where agents and editors want to see dialogue much sooner. They might feel that your story is less vivid because of this strategy...and remember that they'll usually only ask for a partial (your first three chapters.) I think I'd find a way to move the story along faster. Take a look at Scene and Structure by Jack W. Bickham, along with the best published novels you can find to see what they do because I might be way off base.

Another really useful book is Self-Editing for Fiction Writers by Rennie Browne and Dave King...they should be paying me royalties.

Up 'til now, I've been reacting to your work the way I think an agent might react. Now I'm thinking about it as a reader...and I don't think I care quite enough about your MC. I'd find a way to open your novel with a real scene including dialogue, and show us who this Merrilee is before the blast. Make us care about her more first. Getting ready for work doesn't really give you a chance to do that.

Shelving this because I think the concept is great and your writing is fine.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES...I need your help while I revise (to incorporate authonomy feedback). I’m looking for brutally honest feedback (but starting at c.2 because the prologue has been critiqued to death, and I know that if I change one more word, I’ll kill it for sure) and, of course, your backing, if at all possible.

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