The Fight for Your Soul

BHCG review: The Fight for your Soul

A few notes as I read:

C1

- ‘Copilot’ I believe should have a hyphen … ‘co-pilot’
- Characters are a bit stereo-typical and I got a bit lost as to who was who but I coped ... :D
- The use of ‘this’ in quick succession in these two sentences … ‘Doc this out-of-this-world crap wasn’t part of the bargain. This is gonna cost you plenty’. Suggest another word maybe: ‘It’s gonna cost you plenty’. Or maybe: ‘Doc this twilight-zone crap ...’ etc – just a suggestion.
- Check the use of ‘that’ – I found some sentences that (ha) didn’t need it.
- Would a trained mercenary actually send a doctor to check for booby-traps?
- Personally I think it’s a bit dim to lose one of the torches down an unknown pit … but I hate the dark. (Maybe Sarge’s cigar would work better?)
- And I hate RATS! ‘If only I had my torch’ :D
- The torches seem to have doubled in number.
- ‘Maybe (the) dude was in meditation or something …’

I liked this first chapter. I was almost playing a computer game as the Sarge and his team went from chamber to chamber. Good description and nice suspense.

C2

- ‘Even when the fire dies …’ – I thought the fires had been burning for centuries?
- Okay, I’m liking the suspense but try varying some of the story-telling with respect to: ‘Sarge this, Sarge that’ – try ‘he’ or ‘him’ sometimes. Your use of ‘Sarge’ does get a bit monotonous at times.
- ‘Cunningham had no choice except (to) agree with him …’
- ‘Time to evac’ – you mean they’re still there?! Mad fools …

C3

- ‘Let’s get outta here’. He accepted Jonathon’s help getting into their chopper whose engine was running’ – suggest: He accepted Jonathon’s help as they climbed into the chopper, its engine running. Just a thought. Helicopters are things not beings.
- Jonathon is distracted by a sound – it would be fairly difficult to hear anything else other than the ‘copter blades, I would’ve thought.
- ‘… the craft moved in the opposite direction (omit ‘that’) Jonathon intended it (add ‘to’) go …’
- ‘A gapping hole …’ should be ‘A gaping hole’.
- I’d cut the second use of ‘gaping hole’ at the end of this paragraph.
- And then there was one … :D

Plot: I like the premise of this. It’s like being submerged into a computer game simulation. Endless challenges. Men being killed. Evil to combat and survival the only thought. I do feel some of your narration lets you down. I felt there were areas where it could be tighter. A slow, thorough read through – OUT LOUD – would certainly make this a better read, imho. I have no doubt you can do it, you write well.

Pacing: This is good. What is said above applies here also.

Characters/characterization: Well, you certainly had me gunning for them all. From your pitch I gleaned that Jonathon Stephenson is the MC … have to say I had to go back to C1 and remind myself who Jonathon was – such is the furiousness of this story. So much to take in, all in one go. So, having said that, I also have to say that I had no time to gel with any of your characters until C3 when all supporting cast were ‘offed’ and only Jonathon remained.

Style: Can only say you have a unique style and one that needs a little taming. I’ll leave that to you ;)

Sentence level etc: I don’t like to comment on grammar etc. Some sentences were a tad too long, needing comma usage to break them up and allow the reader to breathe. Again, the technique of reading aloud helps here, a lot. Believe me, I know, I have made it my one-true-path. Still haven’t mastered grammar and punctuation though so, don’t listen to me!

Dialogue: Good, realistic, flowed well and suited your characters.

Originality: Not that original. Good against evil has been done countless times and will continue to be done for millennia.

Publishabilty: Certainly … with some work this could get out there.

This has potential. I think it needs some work but you write well, it just needs a little refinement. And, please, bear in mind this is only MY opinion. Starred for potential.

Mick

How about just "Against the Beast"?

Regards,
RianTorr
New London Masquerade

great suspense and story building. definite creative license at use here, too! i think early in your long pitch you have a typo? do you mean to say beast instead of breast?
j
what every woman should know

Read the first ten chapters, and I think you have a fascinating premise here! You certainly know how to create suspense, leaving the reader immensely curious about how everything's going to play out once the beast is released. And the way you handle the apocalypse - with international politics instead of the usual fire and brimstone stuff - is very interesting to read about.

I was too immersed in the story to notice grammatical issues, but I did find one typo at the very end of Chapter 3 - Jonathan "waited on death." I think you mean "waited for death," unless he's serving the horseman dinner at the restaurant at the end of the universe :-P

The writing flows well and the dialogue feels very natural. I think your story could benefit from more character development, at least for the central players, so that the reader can really get to know them. Especially Jonathan - I get the idea that we're supposed to be rooting for him, but right now he comes across as mostly actions. We don't really know what kind of person he is, what drives him, etc. He doesn't seem like the stoic-and-silent type that seems to be implied by the lack of... for lack of a better word, attitude. Also, I think you switch POVs mid-chapter in some areas (like the hospital scene). Personally, I'm all for multiple POVs even within the same scene, but it's helpful if you separate them with some kind of break so the reader knows that he/she is supposed to reorient him/herself.

The mythology you set is great - reminds me of Indiana Jones plus The Mummy in the best possible way. However, I think you should leave out any mentions of the "Antichrist" because, contrary to popular belief, the "Antichrist" does not actually exist in the Bible. The term "Antichrist" is mentioned four times in the entire Book, and each time he is referred to the same way:

"Many deceivers, who do not acknowledge Jesus Christ as coming in the flesh, have gone out into the world. Any such person is the deceiver and the Antichrist." (2 John 1:7)

Basically, according to the Bible, the Antichrist is anyone who doesn't believe in Christ, kind of like anti-war is used to refer to anyone who doesn't believe in war. However, the Bible does mention "The Beast" that will help usher in the Apocalypse in the Book of Revelation, which sounds more like your villain. Anyhow - this is just me being picky with biblical references. Of course, this is your work, and you are free to do with it as you please :-)

You've got a very intriguing story here, and I think the story itself is solid. The combination of political intrigue, the Apocalypse, and ancient mysteries is amazing. It's very enjoyable to read, and I've given it a very high star rating.

Cheers,
M.
Astral Sea: The Pandora Project

What an interesting pitch! and first chapter....

I typically don't post errors in grammar or punctuation because I'm no expert, not even close. But I noticed your post for help. Here goes.

Earthquakes are rare in this part of Israel. But, we are on the right track... --(But,) not necessarily wrong but the comma isn't needed unless you really want a pause there.

Doc, you're the...what do you call it? Sarge asked.--What (do) you call it? Of course this is dialogue, so it could just be Sarge's manner of speaking.

Everybody, check your lights.--This was a command. The comma after everybody would indicate a pause. I imagine Sarge would bark the order as Everybody check your lights. No pauses.

This is Sarge, come in. --Separate those two complete sentences with a period. This is Sarge. Come in.

But, for me and my men to get paid--Again the comma after But isn't necessary. But not necessarily wrong either.

dropped Hanson's lifeless body, then... --dropped Hanson's lifeless body, (and) then...

When the boulder crashed, it caused a tremor...--not an error but a smoother sentence to indicate their past actions could go something like--The crashing boulder had caused a tremor...

But, one look into Godfrey's intense brown eyes--The comma after But could go away and not be missed :)


Hope that was some semblance of what you were looking for!

Eden Ashley
The Siren's Heart

I NEED YOUR HELP. I have been told that there are typos in the first chapter. I have combed it five times and still can't find them. If you see what I missed, please let me know. Thank You.

At first I only skimmed briefly over ther first few paragraphs. I was so drawn in that I started a fresh and read the whole chapter. I started to picture the characters and that can only be a good sign, as for the overall discription I was at ease with it from the first. I thought that it may be a little "Raiders of the lost Arkish" but I was wrong and thoroughly enjoyed what I read. As I am new to Authonomy I now have my first novel to place on my bookshelf and will come back regularly to continue reading and if I may, commenting. There are a few typo's but nothing that took me away from the overall enjoyment of the read.

Battle Against the Beast read like a combination of different genres, it almost read like a Halo type video game with very nice nods to the Omen and Predator. Immensely enjoyable!

Right away, I’m a little torn over your beginning. I love your first line, “Someone is going to die today,” but I’m not crazy about the second. To me it includes unnecessary information that interferes with the imagery. How about, “Jonathan Stephenson rubbed his hand across his forehead, sweat dampening his skin.” Or something along those lines. Just a thought.

From there, the description reads much smoother. In fact, there are several lines that created a very vivid image in my mind. There are still some opportunities for polish, though. For example, I’d avoid specifics (i.e. eight foot entrance) and cut unnecessary words (i.e. “that was” which falls in the same sentence).

There were a few typos along the way. “What do you suppose caused the hillside…”

The dialogue felt authentic, but I wonder if you could do anything to set it apart from other movies and books that are already in existence? As I read the bit about “All who enter here lose their soul,” I felt like I’d seen this movie and read this book before. I like the concept, but it doesn’t seem original. Could you consider ways to make this unique?

I loved, “this is not a tomb, it’s a prison.” I think this was the moment I was hooked. On a side note, wasn’t this line, or something similar, used in one of The Mummy movies? You might check that out and make sure yours is original.

Doesn’t everyone know what holding up your fist means? Since you’re targeting adult audiences, is it necessary to explain why he held up his fist?

All three of them threw up? That’s… weird. I didn’t like this sentence. It just… didn’t sound right. “Promptly emptied their stomachs” doesn’t work for me. It makes it sound like they threw up in unison. Like synchronized barfing. There’s an opportunity here for some unsettling imagery. Maybe take advantage of that?

Can we get into the head of one of your characters? Right now, I’m not really attached to any of your characters. This would be even more effective if you brought your reader into the thoughts of your MC.

The last line of the opening chapter is perfect. Definitely makes me want to read on. This felt like a James Rollins novel. I LOVE his work and would quickly snatch this book up at the bookstore. I’m not, however, fond of the title. It doesn’t make me want to pick it up. I also think you could use an original cover to make this book stand out. Consider contacting Bradley Wind about making you a cover.

Despite my nitpicks, this is an outstanding opening. With a bit more polish, this is publishable, and I can’t say that about many of the books on this website. I really enjoyed this and will read on when I have the opportunity. Great work!

I finally have a chance to comment on your book . It was action packed from the beginning. I think you do well for a writer. I read the first 3 chapters, I must say they were well written. And that is why I backed your story. If there was anything negative I would have to point out, and this is just my opinion along with my son's, I would say your title doesn't draw the attention it deserves. But I do recognize the fact that we writers are artists, And that you may love the tile you have picked for your novel. And I believe you should stick with it, ( I'm getting told the same about angel being a boring title but I like it and I'm sticking with it). I gave you 6 stars on this won't be a storyline is very unique and it's pretty solid. Wish you the best.

You have a good story here. My only suggestions would be to improve character development, as one commentator has already suggested, and tauten the prose up a bit, especially in action sequences. And, you need a good cover! I do mine in photoshop.

I've backed it.

Please have a look at my City of Dead. I'd be interested to hear whether you think the idea works.

A roller coaster thrill ride! had to skip over the part about the rats,can't bear thinking about those things.
If I'd known this was a horror i might not have read it, i hate horror, but it's a credit to your writing that I managed to read two chapters. I'll not sleep tonight now!
Stuff like this always sells well, you should do alright with it.
You've said mask three times in one sentence in the second chapter! It's all I can find to point out.
Other than that little nit pick, i'd say you've got a bloody good horror on your hands there.
All the best and good luck. orma

I like the novel. I noticed you used foreshadowing effectively. For example, you used it very well at the beginning of Chapter One when you wrote that someone was going to die. You did it again in Chapter Three when the beast told Jonathan that they would met again.

Some additional comments and criticisms:

At the beginning of Chapter One, you wrote that Jonathan rubbed his forehead to get rid of the thought but you never described what thought he was having.

I like the detailed description of sand engulfing the entrance of the tomb. Very effective.

When you wrote that everyone fell in line behind Cunningham, that was the first time you mentioned him. I didn’t know who he was and whether he was one of the mercenaries. I would find out later in Chapter Two that he is a corporal and my guess is that he worked for Sarge. Can the description be sooner?

I would put more detail into Hanson's death. For example, how did he die? You wrote he was struck in the chest by the shaft. You have me visualizing the shaft, but something is missing. Was the shaft big and heavy? Did it protrude his chest? Did the blow crush his chest when his body hit the ceiling? How high was the ceiling? When did his body gets crushed?

I also wonder whether there would not be fear in these doctors and even argument by at least one, afraid to go forward due to these deaths. You describe that they vomited at the ghastly scene. That’s the only emotion or reaction they had to these deaths. Should there be more?

Show that Davidson was terrified at reading the warning sign as opposed to telling us.

You wrote that the rats forced him to the floor. That does not sound too believable to me. Did you mean that he fell to the ground? Also, you wrote that the rats dragged his body? Do rats drag their victims like ants do, or was it done supernaturally?

Jonathan would not simply say, "Take off you shirts". Because of the noise due to the machine gun being fired at the rats, and the adrenaline, he would yell the order, if he wanted the order to be heard and obeyed quickly.

Chapter Two and Three

You use the term: “drained his life force” and “stole his life force” on two occasions for two separate individuals. I didn't understand what you mean, since you didn't describe how the tentacles were doing it. Was it by puncturing their skin and sucking their blood, or was it in a supernatural kind of way?

Avoid repeating the same phrase or description. You did that a few times. For example, as you describe the humanoid, you wrote "the entity stood before them," twice.

I could not get a total description of the humanoid in my head. Did he have legs? How many? face? mouth, nose? teeth? Expression (angry, evil, etc.)

“shoved him out the chamber entrance.” (You forgot "of" or “to”)

I like the way you end Chapter Two.

Nice surprise. I didn't expect the humanoid to change shape.

The description of the mirage is cliché.

The description of the thirty-six hours walk was too fast. For example, how was he walking? fast, slow? his lips parched? feet swollen? Sand hot under his feet? Body shaking from cold at night? Did he get any rest at night? Did he encounter any poisonous snake or scorpion? Was he bare-chested? I remember you said they had to remove their shirts to make a fire to chase the rats away. If so, how about his skin under the sun? Burned and painful? Red?

Overall, great suspenseful novel. Very difficult to write since you are describing items that people have never seen before. But you did it effectively. Lot of action and suspense, which will take the reader on a great ride. Congrats.

Hi Jsault2003,

Thanks for these great comments and criticisms. They were more detailed than I expected. I owe you one. As promised, I will read yours and I hope that my comments will be equally helpful.

Kind Regards,

Oliver

Wow very strong pitch. I started reading it right after, it pulled me in. Seems like it could be a screen play or a novel. either way its amazing.

I've just read your pitch! I'm very intrigued at the end paragraph, it's tempting me in and I want to read more now!
But I've too much on today, so I'll leave it til tomorrow, or I might get to it later tonight. I too am real and improving my writing is first priority! See you later.

Hi jsault2003,

I promise that I will review yours as well. Due to time constraints, I won't be able to do it right away. But I will do it.

By the way, I was not offended by anything you wrote regarding my bio and will not be regarding any criticism you might level at my work. Like you, I can handle it. :)

Kind Regards,

Oliver

Hi jsault2003,

I promise that I will review yours as well. Due to time constraints, I won't be able to do it right away. But I will do it.

By the way, I was not offended by anything you wrote regarding my bio and will not be regarding any criticism you might level at my work. Like you, I can handle it. :)

Kind Regards,

Oliver

Hi jsault2003, this is Oliver Sands, author of The Kappa File. If I offended you with what I said on my Bio, I apologize. I was just simply saying that I welcome meaningful comments to improve my writing. I will welcome yours as well.

Kind Regards,

Oliver

Jsault2003

Wow! Your book is action-packed! Toward the end of chapter one I found myself sitting on the edge of my seat. You are obviously a very talented and knowledgeable writer. It comes through by the difficult subject you have chosen to write about. I am really impressed. Your writing is really clean, nothing to trip me up.

I did find all the characters, plus their nicknames, a bit overwhelming. I had a hard time keeping everybody straight so I had to tell myself to not sweat it and just keep reading. I found when I did this I couldn’t invest myself in any one character, and I really wanted to - especially when they started dying.

The senses are well utilized in this terrible underground tomb: you engage the reader with sights, sounds, smells and feelings.

Nice hook at the end of chapter one.


Chapter two - Okay this is really gross! A good gross though…

When the red, seven foot horned beast reached out to Cunningham and Jonathan, I found it hard to believe that Cunningham merely “asked” Jonathan what it was. Wouldn’t he have croaked or rasped or at least swallowed hard.

Oh no! The helicopter’s gone! Way to make me turn the page!

Chapter three -

“He scoured the area for the beast , but it was nowhere in sight. That was not Jonathan’s primary problem.” This would not really be a problem would it? I would think this would be a very good thing.

I like how the headache or lack of it directed Jonathan.

Chapter four -

I am completely committed now. I need to know what the mark on Jonathan’s forehead is and what the beast is up too and why does the nomad think Jonathan is so special.

Chapter five -
“David and Sheikh al-Hakim assisted their guest out of the SUV…” Should this be David and Sheikh al Hakim assisted him out the of the SUV? The other way sounds like you writing in their point of view and not Jonathans.

“David and Margaret helped the man into the back of the ambulance….” You’re doing a little head hopping between David’s and Jonathans point of view in and around this paragraph.

“The look on his face told Margaret she had thrown his mind into chaos” A little more hopping into Margaret’s point of view.

The intimacy between Margaret and Jonathan came as a surprise and a bit fast. And really, what is David up to? Is he on the up and up. He wants Jonathan to colonize a deserted Island? I don’t know… something sounds sketchy.

Well Jsault2003, it is very late so I have to end this review. You have developed this book into a quite a thriller and a mystery. You have done a very good job in capturing my imagination, I'll definitely return to read more. For now, I’ll give you five stars too.

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Hello:

When I first saw your book and the pitch, my first reaction was not the most positive. In many ways, I have become burned out on End Times books because of their tendency to glorify the kingdom of darkness through fear and sensationalism, forgetting that the enemy has already been defeated by Christ.

That being said, I began to read your manuscript and was quite impressed by your creative ability to weave a story which immediately draws the reader in. Your story stands on its own merit and, having now read a portion of it, I can see why it is already being so highly rated. It really does begin with an Indiana Jones feel to it.

Bless you as you use your writing gift to draw people into the Kingdom of light.

James

Initial thoughts:

While some commenters offer platitudes, I want to make 100% honest comments that will help you hone your manuscript.

Overall, the mechanics of this story are correct. The punctuation & grammar are pretty spot-on. So, I don't have any feedback on that aspect. Now, when it comes to content...

The whole reads more like a screenplay than a novel. There is way too much "telling", and hardly any "showing". There are many extraneous details included, yet I can't get a feel for even one of the characters. They really need to be rounded out--made whole. As it is, they seem 2-dimensional at best.

Hopefully, you will receive this as an honest opinion from one fellow author to another. If others have pointed out a similar disconnect, then maybe we're on to something... If so, now comes the hard part--a massive rewrite to amp up the visuals, flesh out the characters, and weed out the distractions.

Editing time!

~Lucas
http://www.authonomy.com/books/41102/capritare-the-cycles-begin/

I love the way you set up the chapter with your opening line, followed shortly after about the deaths of those by booby trap. It was as they were walking down the dusty corridor that I remembered the opening sentence to the book, and the "anticipation" that something bad was going to happen. Great set up! .....okay, the scene where the man is punched by a shaft and driven into the ceiling.....by your description it reads "the shaft dropped the lifeless body". I imagined it actually dropped him on the floor, but then you go on to describe him impressed into the stone ceiling. You'll want to clarify this scene better so as not to confuse the reader......when they find the torches, you may want to describe them a little more so the reader knows they aren't burning, and they hadn't been burning for however many years...you dust, dirt, etc. because when they first saw the torches, I imagined them to be lit, and wondering why the men weren't commenting on lit torches.

This is a great book. Your writing is clear and concise. It has an element of Indiana Jones, which is good. This should go to Editor's Row. Great job! Six stars and on my WL.

Sincerely,
D. S. Jones
Jessup and the Teleporter

Hi JSault - Im here for our read swap
First off - I loved it - it's right up my street with the team of crack mercs - reminded me a bit of the interpay between Arnie's squad in Predator. The writing is smooth and no cluinky sections slowing the pace.
It has an epic feel to it and I felt it very cinematic - def a movie in this one I reckon. I like your voice - very good for action and Dialogue is believable for me although certain lines didnt ring true - e.g. at start Jonathon tells Hanson "Dr Godfrey's discovery team pulled out after two people were killed by booby traps at the entrance" This felt more like exposition for the reader than true dialogue - I would expect Hanson top know that already long before they are landing at the site. Im not saying dont give us this info - just get it in some other way. The bit about the stone from the temple for a prison - the logic behind that didnt make sense to me - I just think it would be stronger without it. You could hint at the structure or design of the place being more akin to a prison than e.g. a temple or whatever without placing that conclusion on the shoulders of this type of stone? The army ranger Thompson - I think their motto is "never leave a fallen man behind" if the other mercs are also rangers or even if they're not - I would expect them to want to check out the condition of their buddy for themselves and straight away - dont see them just leaving him without having eyes on themselves.
The MS is very tight and well manicured and Im usually pretty discerning on that front - so good job. I already like the sarge and am on side with him and his team. A good premise and can see it having a large readership.
Overall - I was really impressed and glad you pointed it out to me. I dont often give 6 stars but despite the points above I feel it deserves it cos I never looked up from the page once and that's key for me. I have watchlisted and will def find space on my shelf for this as it's deserving and right up my street.
Derek
The Angel Chord

I am absolutely enthralled with your work and in love with this genre. Your writing is gripping and exciting. I look forward to watching your book rise to the top! :)

Blessings and best wishes,
Laura A. Diaz
"They Call Me Blanca"

Just finished reading chapter 1 and it had me gripped. Somehow it put me in mind of "Stargate" - the TV series and the film, which weave classical mythologies into a modern-age, science fiction yarn - and the bit at the end about the antichrist was reminiscent of the Doctor Who episodes "The Impossible Planet" and "The Satan Pit", which I recommend you see, if you like that kind of sci-fi. Feels like a great script for a Hollywood action film and I have rated this six stars, added to my WL as well. Hope you find the time to check out "Tamria."

James

Just finished reading chapter 1 and it had me gripped. Somehow it put me in mind of "Stargate" - the TV series and the film, which weave classical mythologies into a modern-age, science fiction yarn - and the bit at the end about the antichrist was reminiscent of the Doctor Who episodes "The Impossible Planet" and "The Satan Pit", which I recommend you see, if you like that kind of sci-fi. Feels like a great script for a Hollywood action film and I have rated this six stars, added to my WL as well. Hope you find the time to check out "Tamria."

James

I just read chapter one. This has the start of a great story. I like the way you dive right in and get to the action. You do a great job of putting the reader into your book. I would keep an eye on using too many dialogue descriptors (he said, she said). That part did get a bit distracting, but other than that the conversation seemed natural and flowed well between narration. Nice work and Thank you for the read. This is definitely a 5 star.

C.G. Harris - The Revealing

Just finished the first chapter and I am hooked by to story. It reads like a smart, detailed action movie. I'll give a more detailed review when I get into a little more but I'm really curious about how you handle the subject matter involved.

ok good yarn, shades of Indiana Jones, a bit more apocalyptic though, i like fast moving adventure stories of epic proportions, didn't get bogged down in details, even though there were plenty of them, didn't bog down in someone's need to analyze, i am sure points will be made about significant things, but glad it wasn't in the first chapters, sometimes you need to escape, this is good stuff for that, it is a page turner, i like the writing, it is active, keeps moving, i am sure someone will point out problems, i always feel if i want to read on and know pretty much what is going on then the writing is good, i am going to give it a bunch of stars, it deserves them, best wishes

Your intriguing and very imaginative pitch drew me straight into your story. Your narrartive is brisk, your characteristation is excellent using dialogue that builds pace and interst and your ability to transport the reader is masterly. Backed with pleasure.
Laurence Howard, The Cross of Goa.,

Hello Nathan:
Thank you for your observations. I will certainly consider them. Lets make it a great day.

Hi James,

I'm here to read and comment as promised. This first chapter pulled me in with the intrigue. I was reminded of Clive Cussler or Indian Jones. That being said, I think there's definite room for improvement as well. Some things were unnecessary at the point they're mentioned, like the modifications to the Huey that allow them to overhear conversation for instance. Why is that needed in the first paragraph? Also, you mention glib comments, but don't let us hear them. That'd be important for introducing characters. I was also unsure at that point whether it was Sarge and 3 soldiers, plus the 3 doctors, or if the doctors were also soldiers. The advance team seemed to come up suddenly as well without much intro.

I think the dialogue could be smoothed out and made more natural sounding. It would be especially good to show more actions and interactions between the speakers, as well as expressive adverbs to tell us not only what they said but how they said it.

I think there's several illogical jumps in the flow, such as them identifying this building as a prison just off a block of stone, which was mined from the same quarry as that for the Temple. That in itself is a jump, but then considering that the Temple was built at a different time than Christ it would seem strange that this prison made supposedly for the Antichrist at the time of Christ would be made from the same stones. Another example is when they're discussing the third member of the advance team and they just figure that he's dead in the third tunnel and they shouldn't bother looking for him. And how did the one survivor of the advance team avoid the trap of the log in the ceiling? And if he survived that why wouldn't he have backtracked to the entrance to warn the others when the came? There are just a LOT of unanswered questions.

I'm not sure whether you intend to market this as a Christian novel per se or if it just has elements of Christianity and myth all mingled together like a lot of other exploration/archeology adventures do. I'm assuming the latter, because such things as a freaky threesome don't play well with a Christian audience, and the interpretation of the Antichrist living at the time of Christ and them having a showdown is certainly not Bible-based. Perhaps you mean this to be allegorical though, otherwise it doesn't really fit as a "Christian-genre" book.

I think you've got talent in the writing of this, it just needs some editing to smooth some areas. As they say, writing is re-writing. :) I'm still happy to give this six stars because it certainly drew me in and kept me reading and intrigued! Well done.

All the best,

Nathan Maki
- A War Within

Hi jsault,

I’m here for our read swap. So sorry it’s taken me so long to get here. Below are my findings/comments. They are, of course, my humblest opinions, so take them for whatever they’re worth.

I think that first line in the long pitch needs a couple words to make it clearer, such as: “Jonathan Stephenson survives the release of the antichrist, this time assuming the form of a beast, from its prison in Israel’s Negev Desert.” My other question is what’s the antichrist? That’s kind of a general term. Is it specifically a demon or something else?

The premise is awesome, but I think this pitch can be whittled down to the hook-ish parts, while shedding some backstory and nuances that aren’t as relevant in luring the reader to turn the page.

Chapter 1

“Someone is going to die today.” Great first line, though I’d connect it with the second paragraph, as it’s part of the same continued context.

“some of the most barren terrain known to man.” This is kind of weak. I’d just say to the barren terrain below.
The dialogue itself is good, but I think more imagery can be attached to that dialogue. Remember, communication is in more than just words. Expression, gestures, etc. are just as critical in painting the picture.
Some parts get a bit choppy and tedious. I don’t think this is a big problem, but it did make following the POV a bit tricky at times. Also, breaking up longer sentences and making them into shorter ones can sometimes be affective for writing action.

Love the action. You do a great job of pacing, which is crucial in such an action-packed scene.

Good stuff. My biggest suggestion is to amp up the imagery to enrich the dialogue and bring more depth to the characters. That said, I love the story, the pacing and your writing voice. I can see this doing well here.

Best of luck!
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

This has a great, fast pace and a gritty writing style, which is perfect for the genre. I especially liked the description of Hanson's demise, and the way you paint the emergence of the beast is very good, especially the wings. It upsets me that that thing is loose in your world.

I also think you did an excellent job describing Jonathan's awful experience in the desert. It was truly wretched, and it made me appreciate my access to water.

My writing style is vastly different, so I'm not sure if this will be helpful to you or not, but I would have liked to have been more drawn in, maybe more scared. What if you were to get into one of the characters' heads, maybe even share some of their thoughts and fears, how exposed they were feeling, stuff like that? Like, it might be kind of neat if you follow Sarge's eyes only, which would makes what happens to him in Chapter 2 a surprise. An author typically doesn't follow a redshirt, and I love it when they do. Again, I'm sure that kind of thing isn't fitting for an action-adventure, but I love it when an author acknowledges even the most minor characters. It gives their deaths that much more of an impact, especially since a lot of these guys had known each other for a long time and might have been close. Saving Private Ryan proves that tough guys have feelings, too. Just a thought!

I wasn't sure sometimes whose POV I was sharing...not always, but sometimes it felt a little jumpy, like I had to adjust to a new set of eyes. Like I humbly suggest above, maybe pick a guy and follow just that one.

Also, sometimes it seems like maybe your paragraphs could be broken up a bit? Some of them contain more than one topic/focus, so it can be a little hard to follow at times. And fear not the humble pronoun. There won't be pronoun confusion if you're only referring to one guy for a paragraph or two.

I read through chapter 3 today, and I've already rated it four stars. Overall, excellent work! This stuff isn't easy!

Hana Bathir

There's quite a bit of information expressed in the first paragraph. I would simplify it a bit and split some of these sentences up.
"Jonathan Stephenson rubbed his hand across his forehead, attempting to rid himself of the thought. Glancing down at the airspeed indicator, a grin crossed his face; their helo was moving two hundred miles an hour. The modified Huey II was providing them with exceptional speed. He tapped Steve Hanson on the shoulder, pointing his thumb behind them. The conversation would have been impossible to hear without the modifications.
"Seargeant Frank Jennings..." After the first paragraph, I expected to hear a conversation taking place. It somehow got skipped, instead bouncing back to the pilot. Also, I would introduce these three characters during the said conversation, instead of doing a lump introduction.
The next part could be broken down as well.
"Minutes later, Jonathan set the Huey down at the base of a hill. The downdrafts whipped the sand into a frenzy that nearly obscured the blue flag. Beneath them lay an ancient tomb."
Generally I try to express one thought per sentence, two if it's a compound sentence.
"The leveled ground..." was also a bit on the long side. I was having trouble picturing it.
"Jagged slabs of smooth stone lay crumpled beneath the entrance. The entrance had eight feet of clearance, just wide enough for a Humvee." I would probably leave out the part about the Humvee, unless they have a Humvee on hand.
"What do you suppose..." Hidden in his question is a narrative, making it sound somewhat fake in nature. I would lead into the question with something like. "Jonathan examined the surroundings. The hillside appeared as though it had collapsed, exposing the entrance." Maybe if he asked it like... "Dr. Godfrey, what caused this?"
Also, for a pilot, Jonathan seems to have the vast majority of the questions and dialogue. They also like handling the equipment. If they're that talented, why bring the scientists along? Wouldn't the scientists like to be asking scientific questions?
"But, we are..." I'm not sure what symbols would have to do with the previous question. I would split that off into dialogue elsewhere.
"...and other safety devices. They advanced into the eerie structure." Don't need to say "to satisfy Sarge," that's slightly redundant to read.
"They inhaled musty air, their boots disturbing centuries old dust."
"Forty yards in, the tunnel split into three separate channels. The scouting team failed to leave directional beacons."
I thought Davidson was with them. Is this a different Davidson that they're calling?
"Godfrey examined a wall, rubbing his hands up and down the smooth stone."
I'm not really buying Sarge's dialogue. He just doesn't sound right. I can't place my tongue on it.
"Cunningham continued down..." could be split up a couple of times.
I would cut "as" and "and" from some of the sentence structures. It could make the sentence flow a little better without feeling clunky.
"Cunningham eased foward, using his flashlight to examine something concealed by the opening."
"The wooden shaft emerged from the ceiling cavity, swinging like a pendulum as it struck Hanson's chest."
Did they all have to vomit? I don't think Weston has even gotten lines yet. Maybe if one of them vomitted. One of them could cry out "Oh God!" or something like that. The characters could use better development, separation of personalities.
This dialogue also seems kind of cheesy.
Didn't realize Sarge was armed until just now. That info could be stated earlier on.
I'm pretty sure that it was Davidson's fault. If he was sent to flag boobytraps, he should have planted some kind of flag.
In summary. This chapter could be split into at least two chapters. The character development is sketchy to non-existant. The dialogue is kind of cheesy, almost too scripted in its nature. It doesn't feel natural. I don't see any real emotions being expressed. The characters kind of have this flat feel to them. I'm not sure why the pilot is following them in there. If he dies, wouldn't they all be screwed? They're kind of out in the middle of nowhere.
Also, the sentences are trying to express too much in one outing. They could be split up and built up.

I hope that helps
All the best,
DAwGi

There's a ton of great action here. It's a fun adventure with a fast pace. The plot is pretty cool and sets up an epic battle.

I'd like some more descriptions of the Negev. Since I've been there, I know how amazing it looks so try to add some detail. I'd also like to see more personality and depth from the characters, even some of those who die. Because losing likable characters makes the loss hit harder.

Good job here. I'll back it.

Brian Bandell
Mute

A few more comments as I proceed:

The end of chapter 2 is great: after all the horrors, the helicopter is gone! Good page-turner strategy!

This is an action chapter pretty much from start to finish. To strengthen that sense of pulse-pounding action and suspense, watch for places where you telegraph what should come as a shock. For example, the first appearance of the tentacles. I advise that you not even mention tentacles until the characters experience them. They're focused on the mask, and then something grabs Davidson's foot. It would make a nice "jump" moment for the reader.

Another way to increase the sense of action is to tighten the prose: short, punchy sentences, active verbs, limited use of adjectives and adverbs. In particular, be careful with words like "caused," "decided," and "realized." Save "decided" for momentous, life-or-death moments. Instead of having characters realize things, just let them experience whatever it is and react however they do. For example, when Sarge realizes tentacles are on him. They grabbed him in the previous paragraph, so I'm guessing he already knows. Instead, how about: Sarge dropped everything and began to tear at the rope-like invaders. There were too many; their spread was too fast. As soon as he ripped free of one, another took its place. (I'm not sure you need the line about him fighting a losing battle -- you've shown it already).

"Cause" leads to awkward, passive constructions. For example: The corporal opened fire with both weapons causing the beast to raise a hand. Instead, how about: The corporal opened fire with both weapons. The beast raised a hand. Bullets slowed and then stopped. They hung stationary in midair as they gathered en masse in front of him. Cunningham's mouth dropped open, and he stopped his effort. His double-barreled barrage had no effect. The beast turned its hand toward its chest. Every bullet flipped back in the direction from which it had come.

There's also a bit of logistical issue in this sentence: Movement behind them caused Jonathan and Cunningham to turn around a second later. If it's behind them, they wouldn't notice it. How about: A second later, (POV character) turned toward a scrabbling noise behind him. (Or caught movement in his peripheral vision and turned to investigate).

One typo a spellchecker wouldn't catch: Tentacles began to spread pass Davidson's boots . . . You want "past."

This is gross, scary stuff -- not my usual thing, but well done and true to the genre.

Karen

I'm not a big fan of apocalyptic novels, but I have to hand it to you -- that's one "hell" of an opening! You start with a chilling statement, then move into an adventure scene worthy of Indiana Jones where we encounter a number of characters in action. The interplay between the researchers and the military types was nicely done -- they have different ways of speaking and different priorities. You sketch in enough about the characters to reveal just enough for this scene, while leaving more to be revealed as you go on. The rats were creepy and scary.

In the booby trap scene, don't reveal that Hanson has stepped on a hidden plate until something actually happens. Hanson moves around for a better view and as he sets his foot down, Cunningham sees the dust fall into a crack and shouts, but it's too late. The pendulum thing is truly horrifying, and then the bits being absorbed into the rock are even worse.

Late in chapter 1, you summarize what the researchers tell Sarge. It's probably good not to give a whole lecture, but those paragraphs felt underbaked compared to the rest of the chapter. This is key information for the story, so it has to be there, but it would be nice if it were a little more active or a little more "shown." Maybe start with a character actually talking, then summarize some, then return to dialogue? Or, what if Davidson translates the inscription first, then gives the explanation later -- in the next chapter perhaps? Or else have somebody talking about some of this earlier, but not fully so there's still a secret to be revealed. Maybe it's something overheard and incomplete that Sarge dismisses at the time because it doesn't make sense to him.

The torches become useful, but I couldn't figure out why they were using torches when they probably had high-tech flashlights. A quick comment about saving batteries or something like that would go a long way toward making the torches plausible.

Not much to complain about, editing-wise. I noted a couple of corrections:

indention should be indentation
clinched teeth should be clenched

Good luck with this!

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY
ENDURANCE
TIME SQUARED

P.S. Your comments on Endurance have proved very helpful as I get it in shape to print out for an important reader -- my sister!

I feel like Indiana Jones right now running through the booby traps with sarge. I love it! You do so well with your descriptions of the dunes and the interior dig. Loved the pendulum bit, I could see the guy being smashed ans swung. Ew. The dialogue flows great, just enough without being too wordy. I mean, most of them are military guys so it goes without saying. I can see and hear everything into your story with clarity. I"ve read to chapter 4 and I find myself going, ahhhggg, what's gonna happen?! Good stuff.

Just a few things that I saw,
"Doc, this out of this world crap" maybe should read: "Doc, this 'out of this world' crap.
and "I can't appreciate what I don't know nuthin' about, Doc" should maybe read "I can't appreciate what I know nuthin' about, Doc" I get it though, he's not speaking high english or anything here. I only mentioned it because I stumbled a bit on it. Not a big deal at all, though.

And chapter three-last paragraph, the spacing changes all of a sudden. Not sure if that was intentional? Seemed a bit weird.

Like it, want to read more of it, will set it on my watchlist right now. If you feel like swapping a read, you could check out War of the Wastelands if you'd like. I'd appreciate any comments/critiques you may have. Thanks!

Sara

Ha haha...I loved the whole "forces of evil do not want you to read this book" bit...I"m smiling and wanting to read your book right now...

I'll comment again when I've gotten into it. I just had to say that.

Sara

Dear jsault,

It was a pleasure reading ‘Battle against the Beast’.

I’ve read the first three chapters and here’s my detailed critique. But first, I must tell you that I’m quite the wannabe writer myself and an expert by no means. So, please take my suggestions on board only if you find them relevant.

There are obvious shades of Indiana Jones and The Mummy (rats instead of red beetles, beetles was fine, btw). But I guess, in any genre, there are bound to be clichés that are unavoidable. In fact, avoiding them purposely may rob the story of its very essence. So, good job there.

What’s interesting is how the story takes off from there and develops into something genuinely engrossing and scary. As mentioned earlier, the dialogue’s very authentic, definitely one of the high points of the narrative.

Too many characters have been introduced at once. This creates some confusion. It may not be necessary to name all of them. Who is Cunningham? Is he one of the mercs? Reading on, we find that he’s a major character. So you might as well mention in the beginning as to who he is.

The part where the tentacles attack the group needs to be tightened, e.g. you can simply lose this paragraph – ‘Once their prize was snatched... eyes looked up towards its temple.’

Check this paragraph – ‘Sarge’s screams added a sense of finality... Scarab beetles (?) gathered... ‘

The antichrist’s description needs some work, especially that part about wings sprouting from his back. You must avoid sounding explanatory and functional at this point. You’re telling this story from the observers’ POV and they’re clearly too terrified to make sense of things.

The imploding helicopter scene was very well conceived. The narrative makes it very easy to visualise the scenes as they unfold. It’s not hard to imagine what a great movie this will make.

6 bright stars from me; Hope you find my comments relevant and useful.

Regards,
AGC

Consider me a great fan of yours! Love the action, imagination, and cliff-hanging chapters. This is what thrillers are all about. Can see this as a movie. Bravo! 6 stars.
Dina

I can see from comments left before me that I'm not the only one getting Indiana Jones.The Mummy vibes from this story. I too am a fan of religious thrillers and really like how you've incorporated a few elements form Revelation in here. I would be interested to read how many more scriptural snippets you include. I've read up to chapter three and like it a lot. One suggestion I do have is to try and bring some of the thoughts out as dialogue--there were a number of instances were I thought you could have done so. A great concept. Backed and starred.

Helen

Amidst the action, the philosophical battle between Sarge and Johnson culminates brilliantly at the end of ch1 with, “I know all about Easter,” Sarge replied. “Just explain these opposite temperatures.”

But the fantastically bonkers-sounding Johnson isn’t going to give up, and the build up to the startling end of chapter 1 is very good. There’s friction and a dynamic going in these two.

I like that Davidson gives the apparently-deluded and rambling Johnson scientific back-up to his well-documented theories, and it’s fun to believe that they might well be true for a moment. That’s the power of fiction. It’s as though the knowing Sarge actually said, “Tell him, Davidson. Explain what’s going on here.”

I’m hooked. It’s a very good idea.

Read the first chapter and this STAYS on the shelf! Love the action-reminded me of an Indiana Jones movie. Your pitch is outstanding-a bit LaHaye/Jenkins-ish. I am a big fan of religious horror, adventure, thriller, etc. Love learning something new while being entertained. You set up your story well. The cliff-hanging ending of the crew finding the antichrist's lair is a fascinating premise. Criticisms: Not many. Your phrasing and punctuation are either perfect or so irrelevant that I didn't notice. I do think you used way too many characters in the first chapter which added some confusion. Maybe they are all useful later on, but they tend to weigh down the story. Will keep reading and commenting.
Dina Rae

I just finished chapter 1. Great edge of your seat Indiana Jones adventure story with a biblical twist!
I liked the stone absorbing the blood and bone fragments of Hanson. I liked the Character of Sarge.
I can't really tell who your main character is at this point, but maybe you meant it that way. Things get confusing when people are in a life or death situation. Is it Jonathan?
Just one typo:
I think you want to use, "were" instead of "was" in the first paragraph.
Love your last sentence! Highly starred! Good luck!
Blessings!
Georgia Peck
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

Dear Jsault,

Now this is a great story, and told so very well. I am happy to back this one. I also need to come back and finish it. The first chapter was gripping, and you managed to create great character development in a very short period of time. This is my kind of book. Well done, backed with 6 stars.

Rebecca
~Askival
http://www.authonomy.com/books/38264/askival/
Over eleven thousand teens vanish in one day. This is the story of where they went.

I've read through the first chapter. I like this type action in an opening chapter and the premise is definitely my type of story. The dialogue for Sarge is the best part so far. He's a no nonsense, action-oriented soldier who seems bothered by the scientists with him on this mission. This produces a small level of conflict. What holds his snappy dialogue back is the use of so many characters with so many names thrown at the reader all at once. I think several of the least essential characters can be lumped as a squad and their names fed in later. Sometimes dialogue gets in the way of the action and I think this may be the case here. Too many characters to keep track of all at once.

The setting of the temple feels a lot like an Indiana Jones movie or The Mummy. That produces one issue that bothered me though. The idea of the scarab beetles attacking seemed familiar. I remember strikingly similar scenes in The Mummy, maybe too similar. This should probably be changed up in some way. Indy had snakes (also rats). The Mummy had beetles. What hoard of ravenous creatures will your book have?

Although the temple setting resembles movies like these, there is plenty of room for more works of this type. The way you describe the action scenes and the use of booby traps, etc. is well done but these elements have to be unique. Or at least some aspect of their use has to be different from other movies or books.

The chapter ending poses a great hook that sets this plot apart from those stories and has great potential as a unique tale. Much of the writing here shows that the writer can deliver an action punch. With a little tightening of the narrative and more economic use of characters and dialogue, the hook can be set more effectively.

Good luck on your way to the Editor's Desk!

Ken

What a fast paced story! The length of the chapter is good and I think this will appeal to your target audience. I'm thnking that Christian readers that like stories about the apocalypse are really going to enjoy this. Nice hook at the end. I'm giving you five stars for such an intriguing read. Keep it up!

Best,

Ashley