Iris - A Starcity Mystery

This made for an entertaining coffee break read. Iris quickly grabs the reader's sympathy and Preebot is suitably hissable. Writing is sharp and punchy, description is enough to ground rather than swamp the reader.

nb slight text upload problem at the bottom of chapter 1 :)

I've only read the first four chapters so far and it seems you have me hooked! From the dark and ominous prison to the colorful Heartwell Place I find myself intrigued with the world you've created. Iris is not as fleshed out as I would normally like in the first part of a story, but it hasn't stopped me from wanting to read more. Preebot is intense - great chapter and overall, I look forward to reading more.

Starred and soon to be backed,
Arlene
The Treasure Kings

Hi Fellow YA writer.

This is good. Likeable characters, good dialogue, believable setting, good plot. On my watchlist, reading on.
Cariad.

Dear C.A.,

I enjoyed the first three chapters immensely. This was a great story line, and I found myself easily connected to Iris. I really wanted to keep reading. Two small things in chapter three:

"We are exercising our legal right.".... change to we're (conjunctions for natural dialogue)
The policeman's words only served to encourage the protestors, as they chanted even louder....sounds awkward. I would remove the words "only" and "even" and then reword the sentence.

From what I have read, you have created a good hook for the reader. I see this book incredibly marketable. Highly marketable. Let me know when you're on the shelves and B&N. Six stars.

Rebecca
~Askival
http://www.authonomy.com/books/38264/askival/
Over eleven thousand teens vanish in one day. This is the story of where they went.

Hi
I read the first five chapters of this and enjoyed it very much. I loved the darkness of Preebot and the impending threat that you build.

You are a good story teller and drew me in very quickly.
Tracey

Opening line – I wanted to know the colour of the hair the girl flicked back.

There are a few issues regarding punctuation in relation to the use of “but” (and in subsequent chapters “and”). Other than that, I found it to be a fine opening chapter. Chapter two was a bit of a change, but I was pleased to get back to Iris in chapter three.

You might want to have a look at some of the descriptions in chapter three and the images they create: a High Street of revolving doors, for example. I also wasn’t convinced by Iris’s knowledge that Heartwell Wood lay immediately beyond the town if she hadn’t been there before.

The prose flows smoothly, but given the age-range of your readership you might want to think about getting into the drama of the story sooner rather than later. You also might want to think about showing things from Iris's perspective in greater depth. I read until the end of chapter four and the story hadn’t started to emerge clearly by then, as far as I could see.

Nevertheless, there is some polished writing here.

J.S.Watts
Witchlight

Dana - you're a star! Thank you for taking the time to read. I see you're in the top 5 children's books. Well done and much deserved.

Hi C.A,
I enjoyed reading the first few chapters of IRIS. I was highly impressed with your apparent talent for storytelling and writing, it flows nicely. IRIS is both original and intriguing! Not many can make me love a character as I did Iris so early in the book, Or... make me curse one under my breath. lolol That is excellent writing. I wish you the best of luck with IRIS - A Starcity Mystery.

Dana P. Finding Xanadu and The Journey Home

Hi C.A,
I enjoyed reading the first few chapters of IRIS. I was highly impressed with your apparent talent for storytelling and writing, it flows nicely. IRIS is both original and intriguing! Not many can make me love a character as I did Iris so early in the book, Or... make me curse one under my breath. lolol That is excellent writing. I wish you the best of luck with IRIS - A Starcity Mystery.

Dana P. Finding Xanadu and The Journey Home

I must admit upfront that I am out of my comfort zone by commenting on this type of story as the YA market is not one I normally read. However, I do have some thoughts.

Your writing flows well which makes for an enjoyable experience.

I do have some concerns and a couple of questions that may need to be addressed. It’s my opinion that you’re doing too much telling instead of showing. Also, you’re not evoking any emotional attachment to Iris just because she is a run-a-way. Perhaps it is necessary to present more backstory concerning the conditions that caused her to be a chronic run-a-way.

Does she even like John and Sophie, because when she is parting company with John in Chapter four, she seems somewhat regretful of the problems she caused them.

After reading about six chapters, I’m not sure how relevant the protest Iris encountered is to the story. If your audience is YA, knowing how short the attention span of the younger generation is, I would be concerned with any element of the story that might prove to be a distraction.

It would help the reader to have some information as to why Iris is leaving John and Sophie and going to Heartwell Place.

Also, I think the connection between Iris and Preebot should be developed a litter earlier in the story. That might develop an element of suspense that could help draw the reader in a little more.

You’re addressing a topic that is very much in need of discussion, that of children who are run-a-ways. I graduate you for tackling this complex issue. The story is easy to read
and that should help you with the audience you’re seeking.

Thanks Bethanie,

You got it :) The stars are in fact the eyes of cats. And Preebot's gross action are fundamental to this story line.

Apologies if you found the cat killing scene in poor taste/inappropriate. I agree with you, his hideous actions are abhorrent and not entertaining - they're not supposed to be.

In terms of acceptable levels of violence or threat, I figured Preebot is not half as bad as a character who kills people - as feature in so many top ten titles for this age range. My view, is if your going to do death, then be honest, rather than glossing over in some swash buckling, troll slaughtering, vampire slaying, zombie blood bath :) C.A.

Well, you lost me. If this book is for 9-11 year olds then I would suggest you get rid of the cat killing chapter. There are not many 9-11 year olds that want to read about someone killing cats. If you choose to leave this in, then I would suggest bumping up the age. Best of Luck with this and might I also suggest that if this is a book about killing stars--unless the stars are cats, you might want to find a way to bring that in sooner. Again best of luck!

~Bethanie

Well, you lost me. If this book is for 9-11 year olds then I would suggest you get rid of the cat killing chapter. There are not many 9-11 year olds that want to read about someone killing cats. If you choose to leave this in, then I would suggest bumping up the age. Best of Luck with this and might I also suggest that if this is a book about killing stars--unless the stars are cats, you might want to find a way to bring that in sooner. Again best of luck!

~Bethanie

I've read the first three chapters and they really drew me in! I enjoy your well rounded characters and the foreshadowing that leaves me wondering what will happen next. I like the premise and backed it with pleasure.

Hailey Graham and the Secrets of the Cobalt Eye

Jenny Micka

Dear Billie,

Fantastically constructive comments! - which I now need to absorb. And thank you for taking the time to express yourself so eloquently.

My first book - so I'm still finding my feet. It's crazy how when one reads another's writing the errors seem so apparent. After four years development I'm still missing the obvious!
Onwards and upwards. How's things going with you?
Best regards
Clive

Hello, Clive
You know, having considered this, a couple of opener suggestions, (Iris' stole along the lane ) her glistening brown eyes, were alert to every movement; her slender body moving, or iris' glistening eyes, etc.
I feel this is where the soul of the thing is, the pounding heart of a young frightened girl, running from her tormentors.
Am often accused of boiling the cabbage twice, as it were, and here is the same prob, I think. Sometimes writers empathise with their characters to the extent they want to champion their cause so mcuh, and fear the plight of their inventions so acutely, they worry it won't be registered, so they repeat, like i've just done!
Less is more. A stark line to give us the situation, and we can carry on the imagining ourselves.
I sense this has a hearbreaking kernal, but a defiant lass, who will survive.
There are some vivid descriptions, and the atmosphere of bullying and lack of care is palpable. I really dislike the foster parents, and can see this as being a good hook for those of a certain generation, or of those children who feel lost in a family that is not their own, and, of course, the wicked step-parents have eternal appeal. It also reminded me a lot of the stories coming from evacuees sent to Austalia during WWII, fostered by folks, who had no real interest in the care of someone else's child, and it does make you wonder what remuneration made them consider taking on the role in the first place. Cheap labour?
I would shorten the first chap to make it more pithy, in fact, I reckon you could cull quite a bit from it, and reduce it to a couple of paras. I'll take a look later if you like.
In summary, I think, thinned down and with some sentences, merged it would grab the attention and keep it. Action and fear are best in short burst, and description, no matter how lyrical, can retard the impact. Your opener, is of a 12 year old (good choice of age) on the run - do we need ambience, other than her terror and determination not to be caught? You could begin with the setting and then let her have the stage, so to speak farther along.
(Guilty of all I have said myself, by the way, Clive!)

Returned in my break. Looking at chap 2 & 3. Like the imagery and the colours in Preebot's name. Very good, at last I feel more comfortable, and know I am with a story teller. the writing is stronger and am interested in juxtaposition and timeline twixt Iris and the lag. Hear Dickens in this, vaguely mawkish, but countered by a gentle hand. Then return to Iris and am confused by the volte-face with the foster dad, and Sophie. Ambivalent sentiments, which found a wee bit conflicting, as I really wanted to dislike these two.
The slushy noises made by the car wheels on Iris' journey, were very well described, but impression was of a more detached, objective mind discerning this kind of almost surreal setting. Children do that, absorb all manner of ambient shifts, but the passage placed an other view that didn't quite concord for me.
Through the 3 chaps I read, intrigue was mounting, however, still maintain that a few tweaks and pulling back on the metaphor would benefit the piece. Have you ever read The Dark is Rising by Susan Cooper?
Also, one other point, you say target 9-11 year-olds, yet Iris is 12, is that okay.
Finally, Iris, for all her difficulties. seems to be a catalyst, rather than an form herself, I can't hear her voice as clearly as those who she antagonises.
The ex-con introduces an atavistic element; curious how you'll mesh it all together. Nice smells and textures in that part.
Sorry for delivery, rushed.
Billie

Liked it, will star w/l and save for later.

Hello, Clive
You know, having considered this, a couple of opener suggestions: Iris' stole along the lane, her glistening brown eyes, were alert to every movement; her slender body moving..... or, iris' glistening eyes, etc.
I feel this is where the soul of the thing is, the pounding heart of a young frightened girl running from her tormentors.
Am often accused of boiling the cabbage twice, as it were, and here is the same prob, I think. Sometimes writers empathise with their characters to the extent they want to champion their cause so much, and fear the plight of their inventions so acutely, they worry it won't be registered, so they repeat.
Less is more. A stark line to give us the situation, and we can carry on the imagining ourselves.
I sense this has a heartbreaking kernel, but a defiant lass, who will survive.
There are some vivid descriptions, and the atmosphere of bullying and lack of care is palpable. I really dislike the foster parents, and can see this as being a good hook for those of a certain generation, or of those children who feel lost in a family that is not their own, and, of course, the wicked step-parents have eternal appeal. It also reminded me a lot of the stories coming from evacuees sent to Australia during WWII, fostered by folks, who had no real interest in the care of someone else's child, and it does make you wonder what remuneration made them consider taking on the role in the first place. Cheap labour?
I would shorten the first chap to make it more pithy, in fact, I reckon you could cull quite a bit from it, and reduce it to a couple of paras. I'll take a look later if you like.
In summary, I think, thinned down and with some sentences, merged it would grab the attention and keep it. Action and fear are best in short burst, and description, no matter how lyrical, can retard the impact. Your opener, is of a 12 year old (good choice of age) on the run - do we need ambience, other than her terror and determination not to be caught? You could begin with the setting and then let her have the stage, so to speak farther along.
(Guilty of all I have said myself, by the way, Clive!)

Returned in my break. Looking at chap 2 & 3. Like the imagery and the colours in Preebot's name. Very good, at last I feel more comfortable, and know I am with a story teller. the writing is stronger and am interested in juxtaposition and time line twixt Iris and the lag. Hear Dickens in this, vaguely mawkish, but countered by a gentle hand. Then return to Iris and am confused by the volte-face with the foster dad, and Sophie. Ambivalent sentiments, which found a wee bit conflicting, as I really wanted to dislike these two.
The onomatopoeic slushy noises made by the car wheels on Iris' journey, were very well described, but impression was of a more detached, objective mind discerning this kind of almost surreal setting. Children do that, absorb all manner of ambient shifts, but the passage placed another view that didn't quite concord.
Through the 3 chaps I read, intrigue was mounting, however, still maintain that a few tweaks and pulling back on the metaphor would benefit the piece. Have you ever read The Dark is Rising by Susan Cooper?
Also, one other point, you say target 9-11 year-olds, yet Iris is 12, is that okay?
Finally, Iris, for all her difficulties. seems to be a catalyst, rather than an form herself, I can't hear her voice as clearly as those who she antagonises.
The ex-con introduces an atavistic element; curious how you'll mesh it all together. Nice smells and textures in that part.
Sorry for delivery, rushed.
Billie

Liked it, will star w/l and save for later.

Dear Lisa, Thank you for taking the time to read. Have a restful weekend. CA :)

Hi, Clive,
I read three chapters and enjoyed them. Somehow, John and Sophia reminded me of Harry Potter's uncle and aunt, and if you were to put a fat horrible little boy in that household, I think that would have rounded off that family, and Iris' situation, very well (just a suggestion, but one I hope you consider).
Your characters are well-rounded and their dialogue feels just right.
Best of luck, Clive.

Lisa. x

Hi, Clive,
I read three chapters and enjoyed them. Somehow, John and Sophia reminded me of Harry Potter's uncle and aunt, and if you were to put a fat horrible little boy in that household, I think that would have rounded off that family, and Iris' situation, very well (just a suggestion, but one I hope you consider).
Your characters are well-rounded and their dialogue feels just right.
Best of luck, Clive.

Lisa. x

Dear Caroline
Thank you very much for taking the time to comment.
Regarding luxury homes - apparently in Britian we have the smallest houses in the world - almost. I think in the U.S. the have 3 times the sq m as us :( per household. Wow!
Kind regards
C.A.

Hello Clive,
I read four chapters and will read more. Your characters have developed beautifully. I feel for Iris and detest John and Sophia. Your plot, also, is blossoming. I do like Iris. I'm not sure how you've done that, but I like her a lot. Perhaps, because she has proven to be a survivor. I didn't see a nit, but I did wonder about 10 luxury houses on 4 acres. That would be awfully tight, don't you think? See if anyone else mentions that. It may be something American. Best of luck Clive. I see great potential here. I'll come back and read more.
Caroline

This story is both original and intriguing. You are a skillful writer. I have awarded you six stars and Iris is on my watchlist awaitiung promotion. Yours Bea

Returning the read, Clive, I think and hope this will become the *revenge of the world's cats*. With Iris their famous Saviour. Highly imaginative, with a cracking start that still touches the sympathy of a reader for this girl's plight. You weave that plight, her life with foster parents and on to her aunt's in Ryeford, with the machinations of the odious Preebot very well indeed.

Characterizations are fully rounded - even those foster parents who have so little to say to this unfortunate girl, can be visualized fully. Ryeford is a character all its own.

I am not sure, though, it's right to show how Preebot deals with cats in such detail, even though very well written - but for this target age-group. I feel the collars on his arm could be enough. And that's completely aside from my personal feline side!

I do think you have a cracking plot with an equally cracking heroine in Iris, all very visually realized. I have starred this story highly, and wish you every success with it.

Kay-Christina
(*Annacara*)

I've read the first eight chapters of this book and found myself highly impressed. Your descriptions are creative and set the scene well. I liked Iris as a character, I sympathised with her and was instantly on her side. Your readers will adore her.
Preebot made an excellent bad guy, he'd sadistic but compelling in a way that makes you want to read on. At first I couldn't see how the two characters could possibly be connected but you dealt with that easily and made it seem effortless. Brilliant.
This story had a very unique concept and I think you have something very special here. I wish you all the best of luck with it :)
Yasmin xxx

Hello Clive,
I read four chapters and will read more. Your characters have developed beautifully. I feel for Iris and detest John and Sophia. Your plot, also, is blossoming. I do like Iris. I'm not sure how you've done that, but I like her a lot. Perhaps, because she has proven to be a survivor. I didn't see a nit, but I did wonder about 10 luxury houses on 4 acres. That would be awfully tight, don't you think? See if anyone else mentions that. It may be something American. Best of luck Clive. I see great potential here. I'll come back and read more.
Caroline

C.A.,

I truly enjoyed the first seven chapters of Iris. I’m sure this is a book my eleven and eight year would really get into. I did. Your characters and setting are easily envisioned. You make the reader care for and feel pity toward Iris. And Mr. Preebot is so ominous, the reader can’t help but continue. The colorful Heartwell Park housing estate will capture the imagination of children and so will the peculiar occupants of 88 Heartwell place, Mick and Rene. The pace and plot of your story is excellent, drawing the reader in without them realizing they are caught - just like Mr. Preebot’s cat. Something is going to happen in the Heartwell woods. I just know it. And what is with the black cloud and the woman’s prophetic voice? There’s a lot of mystery here. Surely, the reader and Iris will discover what happened to her mom… In seven short chapters you have packed in so much excitement and intrigue. I will definitely return to finish this up. Highly starred. This book is a winner! You will have my backing very soon.

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Fine writing so far (I'm on chapter four now). Not much to even nitpick, except that in chapter one you have - 'John and Sophie were okay, they had never actually beaten her.' I'd put a semicolon instead of a comma between those two clauses since they can both stand independently. Nice job, and I'll try to give it some time on my shelf when I get a chance.

Ok, I'm hooked. Love the first chapter! That's as far as I've come, but a promise to read more. Thank you for telling me about it!

~Bethanie

This book has a fantastic premise and is written well for its intended audience. It's also filled with vivid descriptions to capture the reader's mind. I can see this going far. You've got a 6 out of 6 stars rating from me. Have a fantastic day!

- Scott J. Toney, The Ark of Humanity

Dear Ashley, as a teacher of year 2 children (age 6 and 7) some have a reading age 11 + and read, often with understanding, such books as Harry Potter. The problem I find is finding books whose language is appealing/challenging to young readers, whilst having plots which are age appropriate. I would agree some words in Iris are challenging, but heck, I would argue all the more reason for children to start using dictionaries :) Have you read Alice in Wonderland or Wind in the Willows?

My only concern is that this book may be a little too sophisticated for the average nine year old. Also, at times the language seemed a little too much for the age range you are shooting for. I am VERY guilty of this myself and hope to catch these things when I go through and edit. I recommend checking out Penguin Publishing's website. They have a link where they describe the "level" of language for the target reader(Specifically children). I posted a link under the Forums under a thread called Penguin Publishing. I hope you will find it useful. The site also talks about plot, POV, etc. Good luck with this!

Best,

Ashley

My only concern is that this book may be a little too sophisticated for the average nine year old. Also, at times the language seemed a little too much for the age range you are shooting for. I am VERY guilty of this myself and hope to catch these things when I go through and edit. I recommend checking out Penguin Publishing's website. They have a link where they describe the "level" of language for the target reader(Specifically children). I posted a link under the Forums under a thread called Penguin Publishing. I hope you will find it useful. The site also talks about plot, POV, etc. Good luck with this!

Best,

Ashley

Cool. Very easy to read. Highly enjoyable and original. I particularly enjoyed the character Iris. Best of luck JB, Minnesota.

Hi,

I was encouraged to read your first two chapters, and I have to saythey flew by. What wonderful descriptions!

I did not have time to look for errors, it was incredibly easy to read.

You say you tried this out on children - I wonder what age, as this starts with quite a dark mood in both the first two chapters.

I've put this on my watchlist. If I get a space on my shelf, then I will back it, but I have some other promises to fulfill first.

Regards
Warrick