The Six-Degree Conspiracy

Hi, there –this is an unforgivably late review from AudreyB. I recently audited my comments and discovered I owed TWENTY TWO reciprocal reviews. I am filled with shame. On the other hand, my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag, never feels shame. If I say anything you don’t like, it was probably her idea.

Love the quote at the start. Sobering thought. Is that a real quote or a fictional one??

In your first paragraph, you use a number of verbs of being. We could argue about this all day but having read through your first chapter, I find it’s a big, blustery, masculine romp. It seems to me that the verbs in your opening paragraph should stand as strong as the theme.

Tom enters the office and makes it feel cramped, yet he’s lank and gangly. Tall people don’t often make a room feel more cramped, but wide people do. Perhaps give him some broad shoulders?

Your writing has a cinematic quality—it’s easy for me to watch the movie of your opening scene unfold in my head. The dialog between Guild and “Tom” is thriller-familiar yet offers a few fresh descriptions (feebee rather than fibby, you can climb up my thumb)

Anais Willow…strange name. It seems like two different cultures fused together, with Anais being sort of a French perfume sort of name and Willow a sort of bohemian crunchy-granola name.

I wish I were more of a fan of the thriller (with a bomb) genre. I think I’d like your contribution very much!

Wishing you all the best with your ms, and I apologize again for taking so long to return your read.
~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

Hi, there –this is an unforgivably late review from AudreyB. I recently audited my comments and discovered I owed TWENTY TWO reciprocal reviews. I am filled with shame. On the other hand, my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag, never feels shame. If I say anything you don’t like, it was probably her idea.

Love the quote at the start. Sobering thought. Is that a real quote or a fictional one??

In your first paragraph, you use a number of verbs of being. We could argue about this all day but having read through your first chapter, I find it’s a big, blustery, masculine romp. It seems to me that the verbs in your opening paragraph should stand as strong as the theme.

Tom enters the office and makes it feel cramped, yet he’s lank and gangly. Tall people don’t often make a room feel more cramped, but wide people do. Perhaps give him some broad shoulders?

Your writing has a cinematic quality—it’s easy for me to watch the movie of your opening scene unfold in my head. The dialog between Guild and “Tom” is thriller-familiar yet offers a few fresh descriptions (feebee rather than fibby, you can climb up my thumb)

Anais Willow…strange name. It seems like two different cultures fused together, with Anais being sort of a French perfume sort of name and Willow a sort of bohemian crunchy-granola name.

I wish I were more of a fan of the thriller (with a bomb) genre. I think I’d like your contribution very much!

Wishing you all the best with your ms, and I apologize again for taking so long to return your read.
~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

hello - Ive popped you on my shelf - intriguing and compelling looks like an enjoyable read which I intend to continue asap ( what is a meggido ) :)

Others have picked up on a few glitches so I'll go for overall impression. I jumped in at chapter 7, just as I would in a shop, and was engrossed enough to read on. The story is easy to follow (good thing) and I liked the tone of it. Not having read any Spillane I can't comment on similarities but I found the narrator voice a strong one. The cultural references are strong too but I think a UK based person would cope OK. Thanks for sharing this, it made a good Saturday afternoon read.

Hi Jeff this is a BHCG review or your book from inspectorrick (Rick) - Jack, I Am. I do not have your credentials as far as writing is concerned but I do read a lot and Mickey Spillane was my favorite author a few years back. This reads like one of his novels (not the content just the style). I'm impressed with the story and the level of detail provided. The staccato style seems perfect for this kind of book. I believe in telling it like it is - receiving works the same way. Now for the other stuff.
Cover - this is an area that depends entirely on the publisher (research I've done) but it works here.
Pitches - the short pitch is ambiguous and the long pitch contains narration that should not be there.
Point of View - This is what makes the story work so well - in my opinion.
Characters/ Description - fully formed from the begining, I had no problems with either area. I've never been to Washington so details of the buildings and surroundings don't make that much difference to me.
Dialogue - Wow. Sometimes when I read a book the conversations seem unreal for the situation but these feel right.
Plot - seems possible...given the world situation. I only read the first 3 chapters so far but there is enough action and suspense to keep me coming back.
Publishability - depends on the market but if the pitches caught my attention I'd buy it.
I hope that doesn't sound too course or soppy because the nitty bits are next.

Ch 1 - the sentence with - 'his coffee cup as if her' - the her should be 'he'.
- 'I don't want sound threatening' - missing the word 'to'.
Ch 2 - the word 'of' is missing in the second paragraph near the end of the first sentence.
- the shift backward in time was only obvious from the date at the top of the page. Could be just an extra sentence needed.
Ch 3 - the first sentence read clumsy. The problem was the word 'had' - too many of them.
- the words 'Without quoting the letter' seemed jolting when I read it. I know it's first person but this didn't seem necessary - maybe some other way of letting the reader know they aren't getting the whole letter - 'Let me put it to you this way......'
- there were several "tense" related issues near the end of this chapter - 'had' was used when 'has' is correct or the word 'have' is required when 'had' was used.

If I sound mean it isn't sent that way. I just don't like taking up a whole lot of space to say something. The other part as I said before is that I don't like all the false praise from some people just so they can get you to read their work. Read my books or don't - tell me like it is or don't. My feeling is that if you can't take honest constructive criticism from other authors (or those that just think they are) then you really won't like what a publisher has to tell you. (I use the word 'you' in the generic sense and not directly toward Jeff Shear) Good luck with this book and I think it has a real future (that's no soppy bull either). From Rick - Jack, I Am and They.

Extra memo from the grassy knoll across the pond... I am up to ch.6, and looking over my shoulder as if I am in Deep-Throat's underground carpark. Continually wonderful insights from our Jackson Guild, as all hell breaks around him. A hell that's reverberating gradually, yet with explosive impact as each chapter unfolds. I am lying in wait for the odious Riley to reappear... perhaps he's on slimey Alex's radar...

The incident with *Alex* is scary enough, but the whole shebang at Jacko's house makes me want to laugh while I'd cry if it were me. Through it all, we grow closer to Jackson, see his environment, learn more of his workplace at the Senator's door, his needs and wants. Then we have the wonderful Ellen Dreyfuss and her dyed, fire-engine hair. The tension is building, what she knows, what Jackson has discovered in his inbox - dynamite. Now we have the Senator himself, perhaps a decent man, perhaps not - as Jackson aptly wonders, *...if the boss was looking out for me or covering his ass.*

DC, in all its glory and its underbelly threatening to flip upwards - to the top.

Brilliant.

Kay-Christina

Jeff, a hot potato, this story of yours. With a few *clandestine* hot potatoes buried in what passes for conversation on Capitol Hill... and very well done potatoes, too. It's also timely, and one could say it should be out on the shelves now, but I think perhaps the source code for this material will live on, just as there will always be a hunger emanating from such big news stories that affected so many.

A great voice from *Jacko* Guild. Chandleresque, yet in modern tones. A great start, too, and we just know this is the start of something big. That Fed - that *Feebee* of a young bug, as it were, who can crush his elders and betters just by showing his badge, and knows it, but perhaps he's met his match in Jackson Guild. Oh, how I wish Jack Nicholson was younger so he could play him in the inevitable movie of your story...

I have to read more, but I'm hoping we find out just where this Meggido has been for 20 years... and what the Intel is. But oh, what havoc men like your Manny Granov wreak on this world. I'm not sure, incidentally, if it's wise to mention Madoff in the pitch - I think what you say about Granov's dealings is enough for people to know what inspired this. Also, with the pitch, I hope you're not giving away too much of the ending! (HC advises us to treat these pitches as jacket blurbs.) It IS damn good, though, ending with *...waiting to be triggered.* One other minor nit... Riley going on and on about what this bomb can do - very well written, of course, but I think some of it could be shortened a bit. Especially as it buries some of Jacko's brilliantly voiced thoughts....

I cannot wait to meet the low-life characters who are lower than the Feebee... and see how Jacko Guild fares Perhaps, aside from this bomb we know is not alone in reality, he'll expose true-life dirty dealings that we hope and pray never happen again, and for himself, find redemption. One can only hope.

High stars for this gifted and knowledgeable author, Jeff Spear, and a backing for his brilliantly titled *The Six-Degree Conspiracy*.

From Kay-Christina on her grassy knoll...

THE SIX-DEGREE CONSPIRACY

a BHCG review

COVER: site generic...please feel free to contact me for something more suited.

TITLE: Feels solid/legitimate to the genre

SHORT PITCH: Not sure about the second line...a little awkward to me. It's the second half that gives me pause.

LONG PITCH: Not sure the name pronunciation is helping me gain interest...I might remove. These LP's work best when delivered in short punchy paragraphs. Certainly you've sewn in many attractive elements....

TEXT:
Nice, very nice. I like not liking bugeye feebee.
"I don't want [to?] sound threatening."
You lost me a bit with saying its aptly named Meggido but not explaining what Meggido is. A google search helped but a reader might not have that as an option? Maybe by the time this is published you'll be able to highlight it on your Kindle Fire and have a quick Wiki pop up. heh. if that isn'ta lready the case. ...obviously I don't own one.

I'm not a reader if thrillers. I probably have read one at some point, no doubt I have but I don't know enough to be able to comment...still I think I should give you my thoughts on it. I think the Madff clef is a good idea...I worry a bit about the "loose bomb" being the driving concern. It seems like it might be a...cliche of sorts in the thriller world...but again I'm talking out my ass because I don't have any info to back that up. IF that's not even close to the case then I'm surprised it hasn't been heheh. Still I think this reads solid/v good. I like not liking bugeye. I'm interested in Guild (even if I'm not crazy about a last name that has to be explained and thought about its pronunciation each time I look at it) and how he'll proceed --and his murky history delivered through bugeye was v smooth.
silly maybe to even mention but I'm not a fan of the name Anais Willow either...sorry...it has a cartoony ring to it that the rest of this opener doesnt.

the grizzlies...heeheh...nice
hm, hard to say...its well done but might be too long a linger on the gun info.
I'm glad he mentioned it making no sense because it didn't to me either heh.
maybe they'll be some point to the gun details later on!? I bet there will be...
yes...for me...too much time slowing things down with his name pronunciation and on this house break-in. I want to get to the real biz or why the lights by now but I'm still dealing with names and cops.
by the end of 2 I'm trying to think what I was left with...a house with lights left-on, gunguy, & Tina Fey (30 Rock fan here heh)
Again...what the hell do I know but the details of what happened in the house...do I need them for what's to come? If not I'd get rid of them to speed things up. I mean...I know...you don't want to rush to the Granov biz
You might remove the formatting from the email address but probably not a big deal to see a blue item here.
Wondering if I need the DSM IV definition? might instead give me an example of how its been cheapened??
Good sum at the end of 3.
I like the introduction of Ellen at this point and she seems like fun/interesting.
I like the confusion over the name but I'm somewhat wondering why you employ it? He didn't need it to call the office surely?
There's a memo...to yourself? in chp5...did you still want it there?
Personally...I hate footnotes in fiction heh.
Okay so at the end of chp5 - I'd again say this all feels solid, might need a little tightening but I enjoyed what I read. It's rings true of written by someone who's been there to some degree and I like that because it allows me a bit of trust that the story will pay off.
Best of luck with this Jeff.
Let me know about a cover.
-=B

your basic writing is very good. excellent narrative style enables to visualise events, and make this book an enjoyable read...
on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...