Inhuman Desire

SF42

Hi Harlen

So far, I'd say this is more erotica than sci fi, and so there's not a lot I can say about it. If it was only sci fi, then I think I'd probably enjoy the story, as there are some interesting ideas. The hallmarks of erotica spill too much into the sci fi though, for me to read beyond chapter 2 or be able to really comment properly. The fact that nearly all of the characters so far are gay, and the only straight one has no problem with what happens to him is ludicrous in terms of reality and standard sci fi, but erotica makes it ok. So, in short, there's nothing I can really say about this. Good luck with it.

firstly i want to say how brave you are bringing m/m erotica on to any site! i had a vamp eroitic book, that never took off on here so i removed it. i must say i enjoied your work, and want to say how good this book is. i have W/L you and i will back you next month when i have free space. this is good, sexy and well writtern! keep it up, so to say lol 5 stars. i am going to read some more!

Very promising indeed. I am quite sure this will find a home with specialist publishers. It is raw at the moment, with errors of grammar and spelling, but the flow is good, and I read all that you have loaded. Backed. Marj.

Hey there. I do find the situations a little contrived, but heh, this is a erotica. I dunno how strong of a believable world your publishers want. However for entertainment value, your story delivers. Not only does it deliver, I like the plot. I wanted read more after chapter 6.

The opening could be more immediate. And it could use more description of the setting. You mention them dragging a body bag, but I felt you did not ground the scene enough for me.

They are surviving a plague of some sort. The happy mood in the beginning feels a little off. I am sure they are jaded with death but I don't quite feel their hopelessness even as they joke around.

I wondered about Juan who has much estrogen as women do. Doesn't that mean he would develop breasts as well? In the later chapters, you refer to male/female. I am not quite sure if he has breasts or not.

Referring to the Drulan as beautiful gets strained.

the opening of chapter 4 is a little jarring. I think you should give more context in the paragraph

"Golden eyes looked scared." the sentence doesn't quite work. It is telling. And 'golden color' detracts from the mood of dread.

There are some punctuation errors. before a 'then', usually there should be no comma. Also for the if then statement, there should be no comma before 'then'. The last sentence in chapter 3 needs a comma to separate the two clauses. Also be careful about commas before 'and'. "headed to the shower, and headed over...." The comma is not needed because 'and' connects two dependent clauses. If the clauses were both independent, you would need a comma.

Thanks for the read.

Well, this is a very commercial prospect. Although probably as an e-book. And you've got loads of tension going on there. I have some tiny niggles, but then this is a very early draft, I hear. At least it passed the most important test for me... Not what I'd normally read, but I'd probably load it onto my Kindle if it were cheap enough, and there are many millions of Kindles out there! Go figure! LOL I'm going to back this now. It's about time I put a "gay" book onto my shelf!

Harlen,

You really only just wrote this? This is more likethe finished article than a first draft. It's not perfect, but if you can do this so easily the finished article will be amazing.
It's not my kind of thing, butsince you said you needed advice etc, thought I'd take a look. Others will be far more critical than me.
I did find one thing that sounded wrong, I think you need an "in" in the following sentence "...losing himself the man's eyes."
Good luck
Warrick