Firelord's Heir

This is the best type of Fantasy, swordplay, great characters and most importantly great names. action - great, storyline great. I felt I was living in this other world.
Well done, although am miffed with only 4 chapters.

The torture continues! Pleeeease put some more up! Better still, pub it on kindle or something so I can read the lot!

Hi Jim

This is a very fine piece of fantasy writing. Strong characters and a sense of foreboding and mystery within the first few paragraphs. The genre is very popular at the moment, though this has a classic feel to it, like a piece of long lost Tolkien manuscript; I hope that you consider that a compliment.

I have backed and starred and will now read on.

Perhaps you would care to take a look at Marking Time? A satire on the English Education system, which you may find amusing.

All the best Crispy

Hi Jim:

Although this isn't really my kind of read (as I mentioned to you before) I can honestly say it is so well written from the very start that I found myself drawn into the story. You are obviously an extremely confident weaver of tales, and I can see Firelord's Heir finding a home in the near future. You refer to what you've uploaded here as a "taster," and I would add a very tasty morsel at that.

Best of luck with it.

Rob

You're welcome, I enjoyed the read.

You're welcome, I enjoyed the read.

So glad to see you made the top 100! :D

So glad to see you made the top 100! :D

Still checking :)

Just popping back to check if you have added anymore!

Well written and entertaining fantasy with plenty to grab the reader's attention and keep it.

Stirring stuff. Fantasy at its best :)

A stirring fantasy tale with lots to recommend it. Characterisation is good with little touches that lend a 3-d cast to them and avoids stereotypes.

Still checking to see if you have uploaded any more ;)

Jim, so pleased to see this doing well. Just wanted to say that I am waiting for you to add some more chapters...

Truly amazing, this is an amazing read totally absorbed and enjoyed the first 4 chapters, 6* from me. All the best, Karen. Faking it in France.

oops!

This is a very good fantasy read and I am pleased to see it doing so well.

This is a very good fantasy read and I am pleased to see it doing so well.

This is a very good fantasy read and I am pleased to see it doing so well.

This is avery good fantasy read and I am pleased to see it doing so well.

This is avery good fantasy read and I am pleased to see it doing so well.

This is avery good fantasy read and I am pleased to see it doing so well.

This is a well written story with well-developed characters that inhabit a believable world. Background and history are constructed in a logical way that comes across as authentic, quite historical.

Just checking to see if you have uploaded any more. Do most writers on here only have a few sample chapters?

Did I mention that I enjoyed this a lot?

Superior fantasy tale with believable characters and a well-developed world setting. Pity there's not more up :)

Hi Jim,

I’ve just had a look at the four chapters of Firelord’s Heir. Actually, three chapters, as the first chapter is from Book 1, so I haven’t made any comments on it. Your writing is excellent; detailed and rich and immersing the reader in your world instantly. It is well-paced and holds the reader’s attention to the very end – not that it is the end. Another few chapters would be nice. Below are just a few things I noted, mainly typos.

Ch 2

1) ‘malisons’
I love learning new words!

2) ‘left it behind it’
remove the second ‘it’

3) ‘over wearied’
hyphen

4) ‘last eaten, he presumed’
full-stop after ‘eaten’

Ch 3

1) ‘damp of the ait’
‘ait’ should be ‘air’

2) ‘ “I could actually sense when you used your power what and how you did what you did!’
This is a difficult sentence to follow. Maybe say something like; ‘When you used your power, I could actually sense what you did, and how you did it.’

Ch 4

1) ‘his mind nolonger’
should be ‘no longer’

2) When reading the first few paragraphs after the italics, I thought the person described in the italics (Rollo presumably) must have regained consciousness and was listening. Maybe you could add the description at this point as well, to save that confusion.

eg ‘The voice was thin, reedy, not yet mature. The young man’s tall, thin body matched his voice.’

This immediately provides a visual sense and overcomes the feeling that we’re only sensing our surroundings through our ears.

3) ‘strips of bandage’
might be better as ‘strips ‘for’ bandage’

4) ‘coup’
I’m not sure if this is exactly the word you’re wanting here.

5) ‘his subject’s uneven breathing’
‘subject’ makes it sound as though Jessal is a king and Rollo his vassal. Maybe ‘patient’ would be a better word?

6) ‘will of adamant’
I don’t think you can have a ‘will of adamant’. That’s like saying he had a ‘will of obstinate’. He can have an ‘adamant will’ though.

This was a wonderful story and a great read. You have a very sound knowledge of your craft, wielding words with admirable skill. I can see why you made it to the ed’s desk.

This as an excellent beginning to your second book, Jim. Keep it coming.

Sue

Impressive stuff. I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that this is the best fantasy title I have seen yet on this site. The quality of the writing is exceptional, and there is very little for me to critique, except that perhaps you use some complex phrases where simpler ones might be better. However, that's a matter of personal taste, and audience - my book is for younger readers, and I like simpler writing. Reading this, I kept thinking of George R.R. Martin's "Game of Thrones", which I'm reading at the moment - and that is not a bad comparison! I also see that it's the second book in a series - how big is the series, and has the first one been published yet? I am going to back this just as soon as I can work out how to get around this bloody error telling me I can't!

James

Rated 6 stars, very well done! I'll be surprised if this doesn't get a good review!

Sorry it's taken me a few days to get to this. I haven't read your first book and I have to say that fantasy is not a genre I normally enjoy reading. Having said that I can see why your first book reached the ED. You write fluently and extremely well. It would not be difficult to imagine this as a published book on the shelves of my local bookshop. I think you could build up quite a fan base. Good luck with your books. I wish you every success. Many stars to you.
Julia
Shadow Jumper

Hi Jim. I propositioned you for a read swap, so here I am.

I think it has to be said that I feel like an idiot, reviewing the writing of someone who was good enough to make it to the Editors Desk. Also I should point out that I don't often read fantasy novels -- maybe it's my own lack of brillance, but I always end up getting confused. I'm sure you expect many people who review your second novel without reading the first to be confused, so I wasn't really worried about that, just the writing.

I immediately was drawn in from the very first sentence, but in that first paragraph I felt that 'time-dimmed' eyes read sort of awkwardly -- maybe it's just me.

You have some great imagery going on, a few lines I specifically remember being something to do with corpses bobbing up to shore at spring, and a line of dialogue that said '....a child with his father's battleblade..'. Great. You had a good mix of dialogue and description -- something I always like since too much dialogue tends to read like a list.

I don't know why, but I always tend to remember whenever I read the word 'regarded' in books. Something about it feels odd to me. Anyway, that's why I remembered you used it a couple times in the second chapter. I'm probably over-analyzing this, but it kept jumping out at me.

I'm not familiar with old English (hope that's what it's called) language, but you seem to be going about it the right way, in both the descriptions and dialogue. That's great because occasionally people try to do that sort of thing with dialogue and end up lapsing into normal English in description, which makes the entire work seem tacky -- you pulled it off well.

Overall, it flowed well, the way I expected it to, since your last novel did well on this site -- I enjoyed the writing even though I didn't fully understand the storyline, which is about as good as you can ask for from someone who is generally a fantasy hater! Haha.

Melissa

Excellently written, creative writing, which is so imaginative, just the way fantasy should be.
It has great storyline. The pitch is good, and the missing piece of the crown is a great idea. (I will say that because I have a similar idea myself, but mine is a missing corner piece of stone.)
Highly starred
Junetee(Four Corners)

Hi Jim. Not really into fantasy to be honest, but your tale is powerfully written with beautiful language.
Should do very well on this site given the speed you have attained sucha good ranking. Plenty of stars and just waiting now for a space on my bookshelf.Best of luck with kit Eric

Hi Jim,
here's my return read.
I'm not a 'natural' fantasy reader, but there's a lot here to like. You deftly create a world I can believe and visualise. I like the wine glasses, the 'spicy stew simmering' and the rustling skirts, they all serve to create a multi-sensory space which is very alluring. You write smoothly and fluently with assurance and style.
The language and dialogue feels authentic yet not laboured. It is easy to read and to understand but pleasurable also. Well done.
I'm sure you'll do well with this. 5 stars from me!
All the best,
Sharda.

I am in agreement with many of your reviewers, please put up a little more as I am interested in where this is all leading.

This is the best type of Fantasy, swordplay, great characters and most importantly great names. action - great, storyline great. I felt I was living in this other world.
Well done, although am miffed with only 4 chapters.

Very good writing. The plot moves along nicely and the characters are brought to life in a way that makes the reader care about them and root for their success (and survival!)

Hi Jim,

As a fellow fantasy fan I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed your opening chapter. It revealed a world full of mystery and fleshed out characters. I can see why this ms has such a high rating. I shall add it to my wishlist and work my way through it.
Good work :)

Charlie

Dear Jim

This is very good. I have enjoyed reading your first chapter, and have nothing but praise for the quality and richness of your writing. Your scenes are very well observed, your characters fit exactly and with enough detail to be interesting. The pace is just about perfect. There is nothing missing here.

If I have one comment to make, it might be that you could take a look at one or two of your more introspective passages, in which your meaning occasionally feels a little too obscure. One such is the paragraph beginning, "A sigh bubbled on to the healer's lips" in chapter 1. I felt that the second half of that para could be teased out and trimmed just slightly for clarity. It felt slightly ambiguous.

All in all, a wonderful, rich read, very rewarding and worthwhile.

All the best

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :)

Finally found the time to read on. This is a really excellent story. The characters are quite intriguing and the world-building is excellent.
I think “I can’t always help him but where possible I do so” needs a comma after “him” and then a colon after “so” instead of a semi-colon.
“Alistan subjected her mentor to sharp analysis.” It seems like she analyzes her own reaction more than his decision, why he did it, etc.
“on a further root.” Maybe “on another root”? Further doesn’t make that much sense to me, unless there’s another meaning to the word that I’m not familiar with.
“Almost disappointed Airen put the pot” should have a comma after “disappointed”
I like all the names you came up with for both the characters and the places; they work really well.
“if the ice can be stopped” what ice, where? And why would ice make a difference? This might have been explained in the earlier book, but at this point I’m a little confused. You put in a lot of info about who’s doing what and why and I had to go back and re-read a few sentences to see if I had the names straight. That might just be me, though; I always have trouble following that kind of description.
Other than that, this is a very enjoyable read and I’m wishing you had several more chapters posted.

This book is well written, has strong characters, it is atmospheric and people are begging to read it, as seen in the comments. No doubt this will do exceptionally well. The author certainly deserves it. Rated 6 stars and backed.

Jim
Not my kind of read at first glance but I was drawn to continue. More please.
One niggle. You mention an ulcer which was supporating.Should this not be suppurating ?
Will be watching with interest

James.

Hi Jim,

You are adept at world-building; creating a unique world that immediately draws you in and carries you away to another reality. Your characterisation is good, quickly giving the reader a good understanding of who each one is. I realise this is a second book in a series, but for me, I felt a little lost reading the first chapter. I felt the second was clearer and easier to follow.
The atmosphere is there from the word go with a tenseness in the air that is almost palpable.
Great work; highly starred and keeping it on my WL!
All the best.

Tania Johansson
Book of Remembrance

This is a well written piece that sets up the story very well and pulls the reader in. I agree with some of the comments below but if this is mostly unedited then it shows a lot of promise.

Just checked in to see how my favourite fantasy book is doing! Glad to see it moving up the chart though I know you are not after making the ED's desk a second time :)

Dear Jim,
These chapters you have uploaded have been a pleasure to read. With your words, you grab hold of your reader and immediately pull them on a journey of which there is no going back.
Great beginning; the first paragraph is mysterious, exciting… makes me want to read more. I liked the way you used the age of the slender man and compared it to the even older map – a wonderful opening. As a stylistic point, I would put a comma after ‘slender man who regarded it’ so the reader pauses, and this gives added emphasis to the ‘and he was deemed ancient in the world’s eyes’.
The scene is set for adventure in this opening; however, I would develop it a bit more. Maybe you could make this scene at the beginning with Tamilin and Alistan a separate chapter, more distinct from the next part of your story? Because I think you could maybe expand more on how Alistan feels ‘as her goblet took on a life of its own’. You could use a lot of powerful imagery here. It would also make it clearer for the reader, just at the beginning. But that’s just an idea!!
However, from then on, I love the action and adventure you plunge straight into. The other transitions between the focus being on Tamilin and the focus being on Airen are great in creating variation in mood and holding interest.
All the best as you do your edits!
Cara

Jim,

Return read.
I am basing this on chapter 1, I wish I could get through more but I am in the slow readers class and my time is limited.

I understand this is a sequel and haven't looked at the last one but you introduced the characters well. I am assuming the situation Falath and Airen are discussing has happened in the previous one but I feel you cover enough in this to give me an overview as someone who hasn't read it. There are a couple of un-answered questions but that's to be expected.

There were only two things I picked up that didn't really spoil my enjoyment:
You quite nicely flip between character perspectives until the paragraph that starts 'Falath stumbled and clipped a rock shard.' Then it gets confusing whos perspective I'm in and who's refering to who...almost as confusing as this sentence. :) It irons out a couple of paragraphs later but that middle bit is a little woolly.

You alternate between refering to Airen as 'the outlander' and 'the alaran'. In my opinion (humble as it is), normally we label people in our heads in one way. So Falath would label him one or the other, I wouldn't expect him to use both.

Strong description, easy to read, enticing. I'm enjoying it.

Danielle

Jim this is great writing. It reminds me so much of Robert Howard and H. P. Lovecraft. You have created a great world and memorable characters. I'll read on but it's going on my watch list.

You asked for more specifics, so…
“It seemed tonight was going to be no different to countless others after all.” Did you mean “It seemed tonight was going to be no different from countless others after all.” If not, who is it going to be no different to?
“Falath wandered in and out of some dark mental netherworld and he, despite his powers of maisterie, felt the intense cold eating away at his extremities.” This sentence made me unsure whose viewpoint the story was in. The beginning of the paragraph, and the paragraphs that follow, seem to be from Airen’s viewpoint. Maybe if you clarify that “Arien knew that despite Falath’s powers of maisterie, he felt the intense cold…” Something like that maybe?
“they would not survive another night out in this forsaken hell-hole.” Why? It seems they’ve survived for several weeks. What’s changed? The weather? No food?
““I need to stop for a while, Airen,” he pleaded and turned lack-lustre eyes upon the healer. Airen nodded; here was a good a place as any. The outlander eased his arms out of his pack” I think you need a new paragraph after “healer.” Besides being more grammatically accurate, I think this would help clarify for those of us who haven’t read the first book that “The outlander” refers to Airen and not Falath.
The word “fiasco” seemed a little jarring and out of place, more modern-sounding than the rest of the writing.
“He peered under his arm” Where is his arm that he can peer under it?
The section that describes the effects of Falath putting on the ring seemed a little vague. It tries to suck him dry of what? He fights back how?
“He had not known that Airen was capable of such a thing” What thing? Not noticing? It seems an odd thing to not be capable of.
“Don’t do that too often!” seems an odd thing to say. Airen doesn’t seem to know what the ring is or what happened to Falath, so why should he assume Falath caused it or would do it again?
“a grin like a loon.” Like “fiasco” it seems out of place for this story.
“Airen ceased his ministrations.” It seems more like he’s examining the tree than ministering to it.
“He could not remember when he had last eaten, he presumed” should probably have a semi-colon instead of a comma after “eaten”
“He gathered up some blankets and wrapped them around before casting himself down on one of the shelves.” Should that be “wrapped them around himself”?
That’s all I could find. If this is unedited writing then I am very impressed—I have to rewrite and rewrite before I can make my writing half-way understandable.
Best of luck with the novel.

Firelord's Heir

Because of where I live, books are not always as easy to get hold of as in other places. I quite often find myself reading the second book in a series without ever having seen the first. So I was straight into this one without even a glance at Firelord's Crown. Really liked the opening paragraph, though I would have prefered not to have waited until the third paragraph to find out the name of the character you'd introduced me to.

Two things which seemed a touch out of place in the opening scene were the exclamation mark after enter and the words - he commanded. For some reason, they didn't suit the mood or pace of the piece or the character at that particular moment.

What I really liked was the way you made the transition from one scene to the next. They way you've linked each scene together was so smooth and so beautifully done, I read the starts and endings of each three times.Brilliant. That took the skill of a master word-smith. Take my hat off to you. The shelf space is yours for the next week! Thanks for the writing lesson.

I’ve read the first chapter and wow this is a very accomplished piece of storytelling. There are a few awkward word choices here and there, but other than that the story is very enjoyable. I would read as many chapters as you cared to post.

Well, I'm not done reading through chapter one yet, but I just wanted to say I really love this genre of story.

Jim,

Returning the read :)
I don't have much to say other than this is incredibly well written with an absorbing storyline. After devouring everything you've posted her I'm trying to rush this comment so I can check out the first book and get more insight to all the characters and how they got to where they are now. This ticks every box when it comes to a book that's marketable in my opinion.
Gripping dialouge, rich plot and smooth writing. Brilliant ! What more could a reader ask for ? Maybe more uploaded chapters ;)
I'm humbled I made it onto such a talented authors bookshelf. Cannot thank you enough, although I would love to hear your thoughts more thoroughly if you get a chance. Would mean a lot.
Thanks for such a great read,
Karlee
I intend to place this on my bookshelf asap.

This is a very good sequel. I really enjoyed book 1 and this does not disappoint, as so many sequels can. I agree with the comment about adding a prologue or something but I can understand why you might not. Keep up the good work :)