The Wise Man Says ...

Puja - I have given your story 6 stars. Although only five chapters are available here, each is a story in itself. So much living, sorrow, hardship, hopes, colour, scents, disappointment, desperation, rictual and vibrancy! It is one of the very best stories I have read on site. I got to know a Hindu family well in the UK and your story has added immensely to my knowledge of the culture. You must finish it for it deserves to be published! But Puja, I echo what other reviewers have said - change your pitch. There is nothing in the first paragraph, nothing at all, to hook the reader.

Camac Johnson
Untouchable

I can feel that you have a message within your story. That we are all children of the same God. However you choose to worship, the confines of caste freeing your country people to live more meaningful lives. I love your style of writing, which is intriguing and captivating, albiet slightly confusing because the complex nature of your culture. I wish you the greatest success with your book. It is the type of book we should all read. Wisdom is the key word in these troubled times.
Backed with pleasure.
Laurence Howard,
The Cross of Goa.

Great narrative voice, Puja. The descriptions are vivid and the pacing is perfect and flows smoothly, making this an enjoyable read. It's also very polished; I didn't notice a single typo. You've done a great job with this and I can see it going far. Highly rated, well done.

You have created a sweet read, full of mysticism and belief; it is rare to have a cold caller who actually brings warmth. Congratulations you have my backing

Puja - I have given your story 6 stars. Although only five chapters are available here, each is a story in itself. So much living, sorrow, hardship, hopes, colour, scents, disappointment, desperation, rictual and vibrancy! It is one of the very best stories I have read on site. I got to know a Hindu family well in the UK and your story has added immensely to my knowledge of the culture. You must finish it for it deserves to be published! But Puja, I echo what other reviewers have said - change your pitch. There is nothing in the first paragraph, nothing at all, to hook the reader.

Camac Johnson
Untouchable

I can feel that you have a message within your story. That we are all children of the same God. However you choose to worship, the confines of caste freeing your country people to live more meaningful lives. I love your style of writing, which is intriguing and captivating, albiet slightly confusing because the complex nature of your culture. I wish you the greatest success with your book. It is the type of book we should all read. Wisdom is the key word in these troubled times.
Backed with pleasure.
Laurence Howard,
The Cross of Goa.

This is a interesting story but it could be even more interesting if you hadn't dilute parts. For example, when Baba say, "Leave the rest to God" That's English but you said he said it Hundi. I wanted to know the Hindu version. That's one of the reasons I read books to learn learn new languagues/dialect. It good to challenge reader. I like rawness.

this book is thoughtful. the long pitch, though, is overtelling and fails to hook me. there are some comas out of place in the long pitch, too.
j

The Wise Man Says. Your pitches promise an intriguing read.

I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert.

Ch.1. A gentle, thoughtful beginning, in keeping with the theme of your story.
Do you want nits? Unnecessary words stem the flow of a story. If you removed 'only' from ;the first paragraph, it would read better, and lose nothing. Other unnecessary words to search out: just, almost, around, mostly, still, always.
Dont you mean mythical beings?
And youprobably need at least a comma after 'word' in that rather rather long, cumbersome sentence.
There are some repetitions which could be searched and remedied, too: re3collect, group, milk, and was.
I think you mean to say 'believing the world belonged to me...'

A very interesting chapter - I havent been to India, but can imagine the world of the narrator clearly, through your words.

Ch.2. Tidbits of information on Indian customs are scattered seamlessly through the pages, and your style flows smoothly, capturing the essence of the country and its customs.
The description of the death, the mourning women and the funeral pyre are very moving.

Ch.3. The train ... like a pot full of boiling rice, dispersing grains one after another.' An expressive simile!

Ch.4. I can imagine Ma holding the boys close and screaming stridently for Suraj Bhaia. And the voice of the obese man, that was completely in disagreement with his physique...
And the little pearls of wisdom from the mouth of Ravi.

This is a special book, beautifully written, with a true feel for the country.

Multi-starred, and I look forward to your comments on mine.

Jane (Breath of Africa).

Ypu have love for your village and tradition that clearly shown. Deepali bhai seem to appear a lot equal to ma.
Godd work.

Great narrative voice, Puja. The descriptions are vivid and the pacing is perfect and flows smoothly, making this an enjoyable read. It's also very polished; I didn't notice a single typo. You've done a great job with this and I can see it going far. Highly rated, well done.

You have created a sweet read, full of mysticism and belief; it is rare to have a cold caller who actually brings warmth. Congratulations you have my backing

Puja
I read all 5 chapters posted of The Wise Man Says..and thoroughly enjoyed it. You have a capacity to draw in the reader, the art of the storyteller. Loved the atmosphere of RamNagri and the authenticity of family life. Favourite line was Kari's thoughts on the spider: 'I never thought such small creatures had souls too' . It reminded me of one the Upanishad passages - 'As the spider issues forth with thread...so too from this self are issued forth all living energies'. Delicately written with some requirement to chop up your sentences although I would not want you to lose the lyrical flavour of your writing. Most enjoyable read and highly starred.
Paul
DEAD MOON RISING

I was drawn into the story immediately and read to Chapter 5. I think this is a great example of being "transported" while reading. Is this a true story? I can't tell. Ma is well characterized - tough while being scared for her family and future. I like the intermixing of Indian words although some of them aren't explained. I spent some time trying to figure them out in context, which is fine, but I was pulled out of the narrative. Overall, a compelling read, and highly starred! I hope you are successful with this!
Kate M.

This is a nicely written picture of your life in India and although I didn't read a great deal, I enjoy what I did read and am happy to give this a good star rating.

THE WISE MAN
I like books that take me to places I will probably never visit and this book does that well. I like your descriptions a lot like the cow dung on the walls. . . descriptions that leave a reader knowing what is going on, yet not so detailed you bog down your story. The sprinkling of India words is also well done. Makes this a good read. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

This is an engaging story and some of the writing is quite lovely.
My only comment would be to perhaps break up your sentences a little. Your first paragraph, for example is one very long sentence. Although this is an introduction to your writing style, I stumbled a bit. Personally, I'd break it up and give your first sentence a bit more impact.
Just an opinion though - feel free to ignore.

I'm starring now and will pop this on my shelf when there's room.
Good luck!
Diana
Pascual's Birthday

3 chapters read. Very impressive, expressive writing style, with some nice touches and flourishes. Highly evocative of the culture and village life. I felt the first chapter, though nicely written, could have had a bit more of an immediate catch, i'm not certain i would have read past the 4th paragraph was i not returning a read, but thereafter i felt it picked up nicely. High stars.

Excellent and well written story. Highly starred and w/l for now until later.

Beautifully descriptive, well written and polished. To be backed. Marj.

Hello, Puja-

Not only did you paint a fine portrait, but you had gone through it with a fine tooth comb. I saw no typos, nor any other editorial blemishes in chapter one, a chapter that brought the reader into the dream world of growing up in a remote Indian village, so remote that it didn’t get electricity until the late ’70’s. It was very picturesque- children playing, cow’s milk, and so much more.

I particularly liked the technique used in how the first-person narrator describes herself. “I inherited Ma’s features,” the narrator says, and then goes on to describe those features. This gets away from the too-often-used, looking-in-the-mirror method, which a first-person narrator many times gets trapped into. Well done.

You put a tremendous amount of work into this seeming-memoir (as Wussyboy pointed out). Six stars and a place on my bookshelf when room becomes available.

Dan Carroll
SlumAuthor

This is a lovely story, Puja, your affection for your country - and in particular its village life - shines through on every page. I had the pleasure of staying in a village like Ram Nagri once - courtesy of my camel-man Ram (yes, he finally got me there) - and the simple life: cooking rotis, chatting over the open fire at night, listening to the crickets, and going to bed under the stars on charpoys (yes, without TV or radio!) really opened my eyes. Your book reminded me of that happy time, and I thank you for that. There are some who might find your pace slow, and the 'plot' too measured, but that is just the impatience of our times. I for one found it delightful, and I wish you all the best with it.

Six stars for now, have put it on my list for shelving (see my profile)

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Millionaires

(are you sure this is fiction? It reads so "real", it could be a memoir! And a very well-edited one at that. My eye only stuck in one place - para 4 of chap 5, where I don't think you need 'Ravi asked'. He's already interrupted, lol!)

Dear Puja,

This is a very well written story. It flows smoothly and is refreshingly devoid of typos or misspellings. The italicised words are a nice touch as they impart a very strong ‘Indian-ness’ to the narrative. I think many readers will be immensely benefited if there’re also footnotes containing explanations for these words. It will further enrich the beautiful reading experience.

You have a way with words. You’ve captured the nuances of a traditional Hindu household in a way that is admirable and unique. Baba’s blessings to his two sons and his particular reference to ego was very authentic. Masterji’s escapades as a little boy were endearing and nostalgic. And the practices involving cow milk and dung were both charming and amusing.

You’ve told rather than shown this story as part of an old man’s reminiscing. The language is almost poetic and the visual descriptions can easily convey the reader in mind and soul to the beautiful village of Ram Nagri.

My rating: 6 stars

A few suggestions:

· Long pitch: ‘Teacher’ instead of ‘Master’
· ‘Gory looking demons’ sounds odd. ‘Grotesque looking demons’ maybe?
· ‘Rising and setting of the Sun’ – paragraph 10, line 3
· ‘Mind game of India’ is fine. But, how about ‘lifeblood and war-cry of independent India’?

Please note that the above points are subjective and should be taken on board only if they’re relevant.

Best regards,
AGC

A beautifully descriptive opening chapter and an equally descriptive and very moving second chapter.

It seems churlish to criticise such lyrical and intensely colourful writing, but I would have liked a slightly stronger sense of the narrator. As it is, he comes across as a camera, recording in detail everything he sees, but the occasions when he reflects on what he thought or felt seem limited. He is retelling his story, rather than reliving his life and so, to me, this reads like an extended semi-traditional story (like the tales his Baba tells) rather than a reader-immersive novel. This of course, maybe your intention, but it hindered me from becoming as involved as I would have liked or I think the writing deserved. Also, you might want to do a bit of a punctuation edit. In some cases, lack of punctuation made reading a bit complicated.

There is much to admire here. Good luck with it.

J.S.Watts
Witchlight

I like the use of language in telling an interesting story. Backed.

It's beautiful, colorful writing. You do an incredible job of crafting word pictures. I felt engaged in the reading thanks to the detailed descriptions. I felt well introduced to a world and cultural that is new to me and so different from my own as I read. This is deserving of a piece. I love the soul searching concept, and the way you set a scene in the village, the build up of the character through his reflection. All very effective. I want this on my shelf. It's rated highly and will be up there shortly :)

This has a true storyteller feel to it. It flows and I can almost imagine exactly what the voice sounds like in my head. I love reading about this culture and you've delievered it in a lyrical way. It's beautiful writing. Hari is a wonderful character and I immediately sympathized with him. I'd love to know how his journey continues. I enjoyed this very much. Will back it soon!

Missy

Effective and descriptive narrative adds to this very credible book; fascinating setting, too; an all round brilliant novel...
backed...
read SEASONS...

Hello |Puja--

book- The wise man says...

I read the five chapters posted and found this book to be a very interesting and informative.
Written in a very flowing manner and most enjoyable; so descriptive. i got socked into the atmosphere almost from the first line. the people, the culture, ways of thinking and lots more.

Life in Ram Negri well presented to the minds eye, and lingers on as i read through the pages.
Always wondered as to why people travelled on the roof tops of the trains- now i know- !!!

the premise of further revelations of a different culture and way of thinking to follow, looking forward to reading more later.
recommended

tom bye Dublin Ireland.

book- from hugs to kisses;
please read some of mine, Irish culture as it was in the 40s, thanks

Hi Puja,
This is a return read :-)
“Wait till I complaint about you to Baba” – should be ‘complain’
The words in italics suddenly got larger in chapter two.
Beautifully descriptive. It is hard of course as an English reader to fully understand the story with the italic native words however on the whole it is relatively easy to figure out their meaning with what is happening in that sentence.
I really felt for the family with the death of Baba, and then to become homeless on top of that, tragic. I would have liked the first chapter to be a bit more of a hook, something to really grab the readers interest and draw them into the story.
All in all though, this is a lovely story and very well written that I have given 5 stars :-)
Tammy Robinson.

HI Puja,
Wise Man Say's is a great title for a book that depicts a family saga and the story of a young boy (Hari) who loses his father, then his mother is forced to move to Southern India due to financial difficulties. It becomes later a tale of Hari's search for truth and meaning in life after becoming an adult - if I got it right.
I think you need to explain that clearer in the pitch and synopsis. It seemed a little vague and rambly, so it was hard to understand the feel for why I want to start reading chapter one.
Nevertheless the writing and story-telling skills are wonderful. You depict India in a beautiful way. It's interesting how you use various Indian words and phrases. Sometimes I didn't understand some of them and was hoping for clarification in the text, but sometimes you didn't. explain - I wish you would, or at least prepare a glossary of the Indian words you use for us "Western" readers. The pacing and characters are great and I am enjoying this story as it unfolds.
Had to back it and wish you the best
Kirk

I read your first two chapters.

General comments: A promising start. Hari is a sympathetic, complex main character. I care what will beome of him. Thought-provoking, heartfelt narrative. Rich descriptions that transport me into a foreign culture. A vivid sense of place. Not much tension in the first chapter. Baba's death provided significant tension to Chapter Two. The leisurely pacing seems appropriate.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) ' ... inquiring to reassure myself of it's reality.' It's (contraction for it is) should be its (possessive pronoun).
2) 'This is a real man's pride my son ... ' Comma after 'pride.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma.
3) ' ... stopping by at our parent's shop to greet them, ... ' Parent's (singular possessive) should be parents' (plural possessive).
4) 'That's how mother always remembered our village, ... ' Capitalize 'mother.' When a kinship term is used as a name, it become a proper noun and should be capitalized.

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) 'Ravi took me along with him so that mother could spend time tending to Baba.' Capitalize 'mother.' As mentioned above, when a kinship term is used as a name it becomes a proper noun and should be capitalized.
2) "Take him with you Ravi ... ' Comma after 'you.' As mentioned above, when you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma.
3) I had to look up the meaning of 'athwart.' Consider using a more universal word in place of it.
4) 'All the women, dressed in pakka colours like darkbrown and maroon, ... ' Put a space between 'dark' and 'brown.'
5) 'Ravi's efforts to coax her were futile' Put a period after 'futile.'
6) ' ... and pray for the dead so that the soul finds solace in afterlife' he explained. Comma after 'afterlife.'
7) ' ... and the fire will pave the way to the heavens." The pundit explained to Ravi. Comma after 'heavens' and 'The' should be lowercase. 'The pundit explained' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma and the first word of the dialogue tag is lowercase. There is another case of this type of problem in this chapter.
8) 'I have children .... please empathize ..... I need some time.' When using ellipses ( ... ) only use three dots. Using more is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to figure out what you mean to imply with four or five dots. You don't want that.

I hope these comments help you to further polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Have a marvelous day.

Al

Puja,

I have only read the first chapter, but I found this to be truly enjoyable. What a wonderful picture of village life you have painted here. You do not explain all of your indian words, but I believe that Chai is tea?

I did not spot any mistakes, beautifully written. so far, a lovely story.

Regards
Warrick

Puja,

What a real, well written and transportative work you have here! As I read your words I am taken away to the world you have created, a foreign place from my own, and find myself drawn into the culture of these people and the ways of their minds. As Georgia commented before me I loved the description of the mustache! The way you related it to Arjuna's bow was fantastic and something I would never have thought to do. It gives me such respect for the mustache the father has.
And my favorite section of chapter 1 was when you wrote of the game where one group throws sticks at a pile of rocks and the other group focusses on rebuilding the rocks. What an interesting game and beautiful analogy! This is a work well worth revisiting and I could see myself purchasing it in a bookstore. I could also see this as a good educational read, from what I've read so far.

I've rated "The Wise Man Says..." 6 out of 6 stars. Thank you so much for this enjoyable book!

Have a wonderful day!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

P.s. Thanks so much also for your support of The Ark of Humanity and for taking the time to read it and comment.

Read chapter 2. This manuscript is polished, and deeply moving. Still wish for a sentence leading the reader on to the next chapter.
The description of Baba's death and funeral was so well done, I thought I was there! I am glad I kept reading. Georgia

Thanks for teaching me about RamNagri. I enjoyed reading this. My favorite part:
Baba's moustache shaped like Arjuna's bow! I loved the imagery. I like the thought of losing one's ego and being overwhelmed with the truth.
The one thing I would change:
It lacks a sentence at the end, a sentence to make the reader want to turn the page and read chapter 2....just my opinion.
Very well written! Good luck!
Georgia
http://www.authonomy.com/books/38389/the-woman-from-e-a-r-l-/