The Emerald of Burgos

EMERALD OF THE BURGOS
This is a story with a dramatic beginning: a young girl killing a man by her doorstep then having to escape the law. Both Lucia and Maria are likable characters; their plight is very sympathetic as they combine their resources to begin their new life. A few small things: Maria checks the man’s pulse to see if he’s dead. I don’t think the circulatory system wasn’t identified until the 1700s so I don’t think people checked pulses in the 1500s. I’m also not sure people talked about “screwing” back then. Were screws invented yet? Either way, it’s a good read. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter

Dear Gordon,

I normally avoid historical fiction.
I’ve read a few and found them extremely difficult to digest, mostly on account of the complex use of language.

But your book is refreshingly different.
And that’s partly due to the dramatic opening sequence. It drew me in right away. The writing flows well and is easy to follow. The sense of urgency was palpable. I noticed a few typos / odd word usages but they aren’t worth mentioning, nothing that a round of careful editing won’t be able to fix. You've developed Maria's character with great skill. I won't say more but I believe this will turn out to be a very crucial plot point.
On the whole, it was a thoroughly enjoyable read.

My rating: 6 stars

A few minor suggestions:

Para 2: A gaping skull wound is normally associated with a bullet of a sharp instrument like a sword or an axe. Instead, ‘His skull had caved in…’ sounds better.
Since, the man is already dead, it’s better not to use the word ‘breath’.
It’ll also be interesting if you mention the type of time-keeping device worn / used by Maria, as it’ll give readers a nice feel of the times.

The short pitch is more like a set of statements. It doesn’t do much to incite the reader’s interest. The long pitch is much better, but the second last line will need to be clarified; ‘… when another dies’ – who dies?
My alternate short pitch would be something like this:

‘From the back street brothels of 17th century Madrid to the Spanish conquest of Ostende, two young girls grapple with love, friendship and death.’

So, that’s it for now. But remember, I’m just a novice who’s trying to perfect his own game. So please take my comments on board only if they’re relevant.

Best regards,
AGC

Hi Gordon

My reaction to the first chapter is that it's quite a rollicking, pacy narrative. No hanging about here. I personally prefer a much slower pace, but I can't really fault you on anything narratively, except to say that the reader might want a bit more of the background to the lead-up to the killing, i.e. more about the hidalgo, but that might be something you intend to add later or can easily expand on. Otherwise, there are a few small language details, and they are very small. I just wonder if this particular narrator would keep talking about the 'north transept'. It may be the right term but it jars a bit for me. Maybe at the time it was common parlance. I don't know, but it may be worth checking. I definitely don't like the use of the word 'screw', simply because it sounds so modern and jerks you out of the time, but, again, it might be part and parcel of your whole approach. Small omission here: 'her wish to accompany [me] in' and 'warn carpet' (warm or worn?). There's every reason for the reader to go on reading with this, so that's what I'll do, and hope to have more to say later. Best, Brian.

Excellent story. I love the flow of your writing from the very opening. I wish it had a little more emotion though. We fully understand what she is doing but I'm not sure I fully understand why she is doing it or how she is feeling. However, all in all your writing is very captivating. I don't usually read historical fiction but this is definately one I will be watching. If you get the chance I would love any comments you could provide on my book Matosuka: Saving Toby. Good luck to you. I have no doubt you will have this book published soon as well.

This is really great writing. I loved the opening, the first couple paragraphs were a great way to start it! Was not expecting that. I will admit I don't read much historical fiction but after that I had to keep going. I think you've paced it well too, Some HF tends to lag, or maybe that's just me, but this doesn't. I enjoyed the first few chapters. Great characters and I'm learning some things too! I'll support this as soon as I can. You're a great writing, I knew that already ;)

Missy

Good stuff, Gordon. Shelved. The prose is simple and direct but never lacking in colour or stylistic flourishes. The sense of time and place is clearly but subtly evoked. Accessible and purposeful dialogue that helps drive the scenes. Good sense of an involving, multi-layered story taking shape. Structurally, the chapters work well. Information is drip-fed to keep the reader on their toes. Nicely judged ending to the chapters to encourage the reader to read on.

In short, an engaging, surefooted opening. Thanks and best of luck. A


Observations on Ch1:

‘It hit him on the head…’ – this feels like a bit of an anti-climax after the very intense, atmospheric writing of the moments leading up to the killing??

I’m assuming this if C15th Spain?? Did they have paving slabs? Whether or not they did, it does feel very modern??

‘with not a blink’ – given that his skull is cracked open this did feel a little redundant?? Maybe rephrase so Maria half expects him to blink or something similar?? Just a thought.

‘he slid on his own… water’ – do you mean urine here or has it rained?

‘felt scared’ – POV-wise this feels too distant??

‘felt my way… fumbling way’ – rep of ‘way’

‘urgent and bad’ – feels a bit modern??

‘the moon was in one of its quarters’ – not sure what this means?? Maybe just say ‘the moon was full’ or something similar??

I like the way you preserve the identity of the victim until halfway thru the chapter. Makes the reader read on. Cleverly done.

‘Bit from what he’s done…’ Does Lucia’s voice trail off or is it interrupted?? Use a dash if interrupted.

‘journey into the unknown’ – bit of a cliché??

‘Lucia hurried back…etc’ I like this para but there is quite a lot of info-dumping going on. Maybe think about rephrasing??

‘barely audibly’ – POV-wise this jars.

‘You are not me, Lucia…etc’ – more info-dumping going on here??

Is it dark at six am?? Maybe have them set off earlier to avoid any misgivings on reader’s behalf??

Great title , I'm always interested in novels set in Spain - its a very dramatic country. I think you have vividly created a very exciting situation . Watchlisted and starred. Would you be able to look at the first chapter of my novel 'A Buccaneer' which is set amongst Pirates in the 17th century , with best wishes , Strachan Gordon

must read more before l decide to back; good so far...
read SEASONS...

Ok, so I'm no mathematician but isn't 1,563 men divided by two women A LOT?
Dios mio!!

You know what would have been really funny? If Esmeralda had aimed Juan's 'gun' at Antonio when he was ready to shoot.
:p

Another great chapter... now I must go and smoke a cigarette.

Christina
;-)

Dear Lord!
What can I say about chapter 10?
The priest did his service in less than 20 minutes and didn't expect his collection box filled as he filled another box instead.
Now, say 10 "Hail Mary's" for what you just wrote!!

Another brilliantly written story by Gordon L. Thomas
I'm a fan!!!
6 stars :-)

Christina
Take a Sick Break