An Object in Motion

Ronald S. Barrios

Rey is hired by actress Ruth Addems to find out who has been stalking her, but her stalker is bent on killing her.

Ruth Addems is a soap opera star on the rise, but when her house in the affluent neighborhood of Black Hawk is broken into it looks as if she has a stalker and she is reffered to Rey. But Rey quickly finds out that things aren't always as they appear. In the world of Hollywood everyone has secrets and most stories are the stuff that nightmares are made of. Rey learns that once an object is in motion, it remains in motion...

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tags

mystery, oakland california, private investigator, rey books, short story, thriller

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1 comments

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RonParker wrote 120 days ago

Hi Ronald, (Great Name),

I've only had time to look at the first couple of chapters of this story. Overall, I believe you have a good story going here, and the chapters are nice and short making them easy to read. I found no grammatical issues apart from the odd missing comma, though your heading iof chapter one is mis-spelt.

While it's a good story, you do need a stronger opening paragraph. Start in the middle of the action and revert back if necessary. Similarly, the ending of both the chapters I read do not have a 'hook' to make the reader want to read on. You don't necessarily need to have a cliff-hanger, but you do need something to tempt the reader into the next chapter.

Your opening paragraph contains the phrase 'sun in the sky'. As the sun couldn't be anywhere else, this is redundant, and is on the same par a 'a dark and stormy night'.

Later in the first chapter you use the words 'and but' together'. Choose one or the other, not both.

Good luck with this. Assuming you will make the corrections needed, I will back the book on that basis.

Ron

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