The sTash

'..if ever I do manage to piss myself off, I've two canaries to talk to' is pure poetry. Intending to read a couple of chapters, I raced through the lot. It's fast, funny and horrific. People like this do live like this. The voice of your disillusioned, soft-hearted narrator recounting the sad details of his family and their cheerless domestic landscape sounds the hollow knell of doom to any kind of happy resolution. Five stars from me. One thing - once the robbery is set up, the routine is interrupted , the pace of the story quickens - we need to revisit that threatened outing, keep us on our toes as Ali should be, braced for further terror. A fine read for all who love dark humour.

I very much enjoy the voice of your writing, and your attention to detail that gives it some depth.
If I were to mess with anything, I would split the many run-on sentences into smaller ones.
but overall I think it's excellent story telling and an interesting book.
Best of luck with this!
Cheers,
Tod Schneider
The Lost Wink

How's the form Chris,
This was tipped to me by Ian D Smith/Tiger Hugs and I'm glad I found it.
Taut pace which is hard to pull off when the MC is such a slacker. But this is assured writing, little hyperbole, with a smattering of great images-'her eyes photographed her own death'-always true to the idiom of the area. Authentic and pithy, with a rich seam of wry humour again true to this particular part of the world.
Negatives-not many. You are slightly over wordy, particularly with descriptions, for my tastes. Often two or thre adjectives are given when one would do.
The characters-particularly the MC-are a stróng point and sound totally 3D.
Ian said this was going down the rankings as you can't commit the time to 'networking' here. Shame that.
6. On WL and aim to back end of the month.
All the Best!
John
Dropping Babies-would appreciate a return read-think you'll recognise a fair bit.

Have had this bookmarked to read for ages. Only now got to it. The writing riveted me from the start. You have a wonderful style—all your own as far I can see. A superb voice in Rikki King. Hope you’re trying to get this published. Glad to rate and back. I especially loved Round 7!

I read your bio and it was hilarious. When I also spotted that one of your loved books was One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest I had to read The Stash as sad me has seen that film over twenty times. Your novel is really interesting and unusual. It seems to have a voice all of it's own. The only thing is I found it difficult to get all the character names in my head and in the end I wrote them down and who they were but that's probably more due to a memory like a sieve than your writing skills! There were some great lines. My favourite one was
If dead people could get ill, then that's what funeral costs would do to them. Priceless! Good luck with this.

Karen (Pain)

Chris, You didn't ask for my comments, but I was recommended to read this by Ian Smith, and sure enough it's fantastic. I've backed it and I can't stop reading. What a contrast with all the other crap on here. It's a genuinely powerful and original voice, with maybe a little reminder of Kelman, but funnier. Keep the faith, keep working on it and send it to a proper publisher - don't bother with Harper Collins.

Thank you Marc. Because you're Irish you'll understand it and laugh at it too. I'm from Liverpool but when you see my talent you'll know I'm Irish really.

This looks really interesting so I added it to my watchlist. Will definitely get a read of it soon. All the best.

This looks really interesting so I added it to my watchlist. Will definitely get a read of it soon. All the best.

Hi there,

This certainly has a voice of it's own. It's original and relevant and the parallels drawn between here and the US give it a great slant. I like the tricky title and would definitely pull this off the shelf in a shop to try. The language and the humour carried me along, and there are laugh out loud bits.

-'P*** juice.  Want some more?’  The energy out of that kid, she was still like a Bucking Bronco, still screaming birth to her tonsils and pins in my ears.  But then it softened, whimpered, murmured and eventually stopped.  I got off.' - brilliant/The rake thin supermodel who looks sandblasted or jogs behind a gritter - nice turn of phrase/'They were right about the phone box though, kids had knocked it over again but it was still working.  As I went by I looked down to see if I knew the man inside.  He was lying parallel to the pavement and chatting away like everything was normal.' - very funny image, combines decay and absurdity.

The writing verges on stream of consciousness in sections, and although some of the sentences are long and unpunctuated, it generally works. Sometimes there are digressions that don't necessarily move things forward though, eg. Sequences of 80's cultural references.

Potential criticisms are:

1) The narrative voice is literate, eloquent (has to be in order to make in readable) and colloquial, but now and again slips into sub-literate style. Are all the 'cos's' needed? That may be how the narrator talks but it doesn't seem to represent their writing skill.

2) Plot line. The long pitch is a bit confusing. Cuts across time and several inter-relationships. I had to read it several times to get the family tree structure straight in my head. And reading the chapters didn't help clarify soon enough. Another commentator highlighted this and I agree. Perhaps needs a longer set up or more explicit description of the family structure. Also, the pitch talks about the crisis that will occur if the dad finds the ashes in his wife's grave, but over six chapters we didn't seem to move in that plot direction (unless I missed it).

3) Social commentary: the US/UK parallels are one thing, and are signalled heavily in the book's title. The pollution is another - is this leading to some kind of Erin Brokovich territory? And the poverty and urban realism are another. I think this can all be achieved in the end, but it's ambitious.

So overall I think the voice will carry this, but the direction might need straightening out a bit. Although I was happy to be carried along on the ride, I felt I needed more help to get orientated.

All the best, and look forward to your next one on terrorism.

Thank you so much Georgia, I often find Americans struggle with my story as most do not understand the narrator and of course there are terms relevant to the Uk only. You however have dealt well with it and you've grasped it without any difficulty. Thank you so much for taking the time and effort. Chris

Just read the first three chapters;
You have some very creative elements here, for instance, the beginning of chapter 2 with the photographs telling the story...I am wondering if those ashes are really human remains or perhaps a stash of drugs! I wonder what the dark family secret is, as if they don't have enough trouble already!
In chapter 2 I knew immediately what "Wimoweh" was referring to!
I didn't know they sell Avon in Great Britain!
Growing up poor I can relate to, "I didn't open the water bill, it wasn't red."
Like Jagga, I was glad the dog was OK!
Last summer, at my High School reunion, there was a story about a fellow classmate whom they say died because he was drunk and "drowned in his own vomit"!
Lots of humor, family angst, excitement, drama, and pain.
You have an intriguing story unfolding here. Good Luck!
Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

Just read the first three chapters;
You have some very creative elements here, for instance, the beginning of chapter 2 with the photographs telling the story...I am wondering if those ashes are really human remains or perhaps a stash of drugs! I wonder what the dark family secret is, as if they don't have enough trouble already!
In chapter 2 I knew immediately what "Wimoweh" was referring to!
I didn't know they sell Avon in Great Britain!
Growing up poor I can relate to, "I didn't open the water bill, it wasn't red."
Like Jagga, I was glad the dog was OK!
Last summer, at my High School reunion, there was a story about a fellow classmate whom they say died because he was drunk and "drowned in his own vomit"!
Lots of humor, family angst, excitement, drama, and pain.
You have an intriguing story unfolding here. Good Luck!
Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

Ian, well deduced young man, yes it is based in Skelmersdale. My town is being used as a waste disposal site for the conurbations of Manchester and Liverpool, people who don't want their crap on their doorstep. I know Jim Friel from when I entered the WoW competition in Liverpool. I won a weekend in Criccieth with him and twelve others. I used to teach in Skelmersdale College but now I support students with English and maths. I'm glad someone at last can read subtext. I decided to call it New York because central character Rikki is anti-American and I needed to expose, in some way, the extent of American psychological imperialism. Throughout the story the reader, like Rikki, is bombarded with Nike, McDonalds, Coke etc. Thank you Ian, you are the first person on this site who has read beyond the surface. Thanks again mate, I appreciate your vision.
You have got a gem of a story yourself. Like a Pink Floyd album cover, I can still see Battersea Power Plant. Get off this site for a while and get working on it. Best wishes and the best of luck.

Ian, well deduced young man, yes it is based in Skelmersdale. My town is being used as a waste disposal site for the conurbations of Manchester and Liverpool, people who don't want their crap on their doorstep. I know Jim Friel from when I entered the WoW competition in Liverpool. I won a weekend in Criccieth with him and twelve others. I used to teach in Skelmersdale College but now I support students with English and maths. I'm glad someone at last can read subtext. I decided to call it New York because central character Rikki is anti-American and I needed to expose, in some way, the extent of American psychological imperialism. Throughout the story the reader, like Rikki, is bombarded with Nike, McDonalds, Coke etc. Thank you Ian, you are the first person on this site who has read beyond the surface. Thanks again mate, I appreciate your vision. You have got a gem of a story yourself. Like a Pink Floyd album cover, I can still see Battersea Power Plant. Get off this site for a while and get working on it. Best wishes and the best of luck.

Chris, that opening achieves many great things. It places Jagga in a cul-de-sac of “solutions”, the ones that come through letterboxes and appear to offer the earth. The repetition of the word, the way it fills Jagga’s life from house to garden, top to bottom. Everyone’s got a solution except Jagga. The second sentence, the use of “that poor kid” conveys the way she speaks so I can hear it.

I wasn’t sure about New York and the Twin Towers idea. In Lancashire? It won me over at the point in ch2 when I thought it must be Skelmersdale overspill. The whole thing hit me. I read on and on. It’s a f==== masterpiece. I haven’t seen writing as good as this for a long time.

PS Are you at John Moore’s uni with James Friel lecturing by any chance? Just wondering.

Hi Chris, well as recommended by Rob1966, I read all of this. He's good is Rob, he knew I was the right person to read it. Me and you have a very similar style, Chris, and I really admire the guts of this story. The difference between us is that you have an important issue going on within yours, whereas mine is really more about the social climate and the grim reality of estate life.

You probably already know about the punctuation errors and such, so I won't bore you with all that. It's the story that's important, and here you have all the aces. Great dialogue, believable characters, original humour and a realism that smacks you in the teeth. You have everything going on within these pages and I'm dying to find out more.

The twin 'T's in the title is brilliant, as are the comparisons to the states, peppered about the narrative. With a little bit of sorting out in places (when it's complete) this is going to be fantastic. Well done with tackling such an emotive subject, Chris, and I wish you every sucess with this.

Julie xx

Hello Chris--

book- The s Tash---

Read all six chapters posted of this book- A touching opening chapter, that sets the premise of the story to come-
as Jagga writes a letter to her Dad, only to have second thoughts and scrap it.

More interesting second chapter as Rikki tells us of the grim reality; of living in a Council flat- vivid description laid out for the mind's eye, that remains on- and necessary to get a feel for this gritty and somewhat sad book.It certainly dipicts the social conditions in areas like as described, very graphically.

Dialogue written in a jazzy street type of speech; in keeping with the characters and the place- touch of humour, grim and straight to the point-
touch of the Roddy Doyle's here- and that's in itself is good for the general target market; and that market is a big one.
Tags indicate lots more of life in this inner city block of flats to come; abuse- racism, a topical issue at the moment; and look forward to reading some of that when posted.

All in all, i found this book very realistic and engaging to read, and feel that it has hight potential to go to the top.

good luck Chris-

Tom Bye- Dublin-Ireland.
please read some of mine, about social conditions in the tenements, in Dublin in the; 40s- believe me it's true-
you might like chapter 9-11-29-and 28-39; dark one's here-

The sTash

Interesting. Like your writing style, thoroughly enjoyed being thrust up against the narrative as a reader and having to orientate myself and yet...

Here are my suggestions. First, your pitch needs tweaking, there's a few typos (alway) and you need more white space to make it easier on the eye to draw your reader in. The next bit you need to see through the lens of my previous comment; I do like your style, remember that. At present I think the single thing that would most improve your manuscript is a better introduction to the characters and there interrelationships, I get that Liverpudlians talk quick, like and they banter away in a manner that many of us might find incomprehensible, but for me at present some of your clever phraseology and witticisms are lost because I was confused in my head about who's who and what's what. Humble suggestion, not sure it would work, but you'll be the best judge of that. How about, before the letter at the beginning, where we currently have a three word description of her about to write it and some sense of motive, mostly derived from the pitch, you start with something like this.

Here we go.
Straight in.
But, so you can keep up, so you GET it - there's a lot to get here - I need to tell you who's who and what's what.

Or something like that, you could do that in the same quirky, wonderful way you write. I wasn't sure from which narrative stance (POV) this story was being told and genuinely what the interrelationships were between the characters. The gritty social realism is well penned, but at the moment it was like a smooth stone, pretty to look at and comfortable to read, but I couldn't get any traction with character and therefore I think that will become an increasing problem for your narrative. For the narrative to work we have to give a damn about them and knowing how they interrelate, a key facet of your story I imagine from the pitch, is going to be crucial. The early you do this, the easier it will be for us to absorb you very original and strongly flavoured writing style, a style I think has buckets of merit.

Just in case you feel too pummelled, some ointment of niceness to finish. Love the dark comedic tone, great observational eye, you bring the grey, depressing world into grey, depressing focus and the characters are three dimensional and gritty. Best of luck, will promote this in the forums, partly because I think the character interrelationship issue is one many of the excellent writers on here can help you with.

Best wishes and good luck
Andrew W
(Benevolence)

Hell's Bells Cait! Looks like it needs a rewrite. Many thanks for all the hard work and deep scrutiny but I'm not a conventional writer so I don't go in for too many comma as I think they slow down the reader. I do know what you mean but because the narrator is from Liverpool he speaks quickly and has little time for pauses. The title is intentional The sTash (capital TT) is the Twin Towers. In your story, the politics are right up front but I tend to write a lot of my stuff below the surface. If the reader wants to find it they will. Themes of TWINS and OPPOSITES thread their way through the story. Later on you find that Rikki has a connection with the Middle East and yes he is very antiAmerican and you can see America all around him in the place he lives and this signifies the extent of psychological American imperialism which he hates. I have a scumbag, drug-dealing character called JP Morgan (American investment bank) and many other references to characters of the Bush regime. For example the company poisoning residents from their waste tip and incinerator is American. Yes he wears his wife's knickers, that offers a little intrigue but is justified later on. I like to offer surpises rather than just spoonfeed. Just when you think Rikki is the central character, along comes his wife, and girl does she steal the show. Two central characters are in line with theme of twins. Anyway, I'll have a scan through what you've suggested and it's likely I'll spend the next year making the corrections? Thank you so much for devoting your precious time to it. You are truly a star!

The sTash: I’m assuming the small s in the title is intentional?

Finally got round to reading this. I had intended to read only a chapter or two but found it entertaining enough to read all you’ve posted. Your writing is good, but needs a bit of editing, mostly punctuation. Not a big deal, but I’ve made some notes. Remember, I'm no pro so see what you think...

Interested to know more about where Vinnie and Ronnie’s sister IS buried!

Have given you lots of stars and this will be on my shelf.

Cáit :o) ~ Reminiscing~

**********
Round 1

Armed with a mug of tea, a writing pad and pen, Jagga sat down at the table. She looked at the envelope, the name Gene Stone caused her left cheek to twitch. She took a deep breath then picked up the pen.

To avoid two sentences from starting with She, try ~ Armed with a mug of tea, a writing pad and pen, Jagga sat at the kitchen table and stared at the envelope. The name Gene Stone caused her left cheek to twitch. She took a deep breath then picked up the pen.?

~ To tell you the truth (comma needed here)Dad ~

Chapter 2
New York town ~ Capital T for town, here?

~This is me and Gail in the stairwell. God (comma needed here) look…
~ but this friggin(apostrophe needed?)episode…
~ I threw back the quilt, got gently out the bed, as I did in them days, and put on a clean pair of Gail’s knickers. He wears his wife’s knickers?

~ I wafted my shirt back…Wafted?
~ ‘Huh (comma) you think it’s you (comma) don’t yer?
~ ‘Know why the dole what me in?’ Do you mean, ~ Know why the dole wants me in?
‘Why ever not (comma) Rikki?’
****
~ There's no peace in this world ~ There’s no Peace in this World? use capitals for peace and world?
Round 3
~ She put her can of Diet Coke on the table and plonked herself down on a chair. I poured her drink down the sink, got her a proper one from the tap but she turned it down along with her head as she toyed with her split ends and I didn’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blew.

Three ‘downs’ in that paragraph. Try ~ She put her can of Diet Coke on the table and plonked herself on a chair. I poured her drink into the sink, got her a proper one from the tap but she turned it down along with her head…?

~ ‘Come on(comma) spit it out.’
~ I was reading it out aloud now,… ~ I read it out loud now?
~ …two brothers who took drugs enough to have their legs sawn off and still stay asleep (comma) and asleep was what they were…
~ Carol choked on her vomit – that’s a fact (comma) but was she a functioning alcoholic who didn’t take drugs, and that journey from her bedroom to the bathroom was made thousands of times.
~ Jagga was clicking a fingernail on her teeth ~ Jagga kept clicking a fingernail on her teeth?
~ ‘I’ll tell you what (comma) Jagga!
~ Go on show me (comma) but when you ~
‘What are you saying (comma) Rikki?’
~ but this was far from nothing (comma) the nightmares told me that
~ Oh (comma) it was far from nothing.
~ I said (comma)‘Sorry (comma)’ but I wasn’t.
~ found its way to her face as she saw the mut (mutt) bend its back legs and take a shit. Jagga was quick to remind me, ‘It didn’t take a shit, it left one.’
~‘You see that (comma)Jags, that’s called Human Ingenuity.
~ We’ll have to move him (comma) Rikki.’
~ She went berserk, really angry (comma) but seeing how
~ She did what she thought was right (comma) but like Hamlet, I needed time~
~ ‘We’re not taking the jam jar,’ she said (comma) as though that made a difference.
~ ‘Come on (comma)Rikki, he spent his life haunted by bailiffs, what difference will this make?’
~ cos what I want fella (comma) is the truth, and if I have to, I will get blood from a Stone.

Generally read first three chapters only, but read all of whats here, and really liked it. Funny, authentic, gritty and has the feel of a writer who knows what he's writing about. Some great dialogue with clever, precise and unshowy narrative, just what i like. Highly starred, and guaranteed a place on my shelf some time in the future.

Chris,

I read up to the end of chapter 3 and felt I wanted to stop at this point. I act as I would if I were a reader. I also do not read the pitches, so that I can get to the story without knowing things.

Here it goes.

It definitely is not something I would like to read in my spare time, and I felt that way right from the beginning. I thought you were trying to make a joke out of the situation you describe, but -for me- it didn't work. The only moment I smirked was within the encounter of Rikki with the gangster, with the joke about the name Paki Stan.

The whole atmosphere of decadence and the (very distinctive I must admit) voice of the narrator reminded me of the one in the feature film "Rock 'N' Rolla". The film didn't appeal to me as well, but hey... you can't win everyone's attention, right? It's probably because sometimes I'm not so much into Brittish humour (while other times, I am) , or because I have had too much violence around me since I was young.

Closing, I liked your writing's flow and the fast pace. The chapters, being separated in Rounds, give the sense of a fight going on, building up the tension right from the go.

That will be all from me. All the best!

Yannis

you build up well, taking us in with great descriptive narrative and honed characters. this is not my type of genre, but l cannot ignore your talent...6 stars and backed...
read SEASONS...

Thanks for your comments Warrick. Wish You Were Here takes on great significance. Rikki wishes his sister was still here but his wife Gail wishes she herself wasn't. She also rightly points out to Rikki that although he is here, most of the time he isn't. The song get's another airing towards the end but I'm not going to spoil it now,

Chris,

Excellent. I would dare to say faultless. Great story line, great writing. Nice reference to Wish You Were Here.

Warrick

Read the first chapter of Bot, really enjoyed it. A really comfortable read that has left my brain thinking a thousand things that might happen. I think it's great when a story does that, you know when it makes you think of all the possible outcomes. How long will the masses stay in their place before a rebellion is on the cards and the bounty hunter, who will he favour? The sure sign of a good writer that one that offers possibilities.
Well done young man.

Hey, I'm glad to see you joined up here--I'd found your book The Stash on some other site awhile ago and I loved it. (Featured it on me webbie too, so check that out if you haven't already. You'll find a link to it on my profile page) Shelving your terrific tome now and high-starring as well.

CHEERS, Chris, welcome to Authonomy, and very best of luck to you--
E.R.

The voice is as strong as Sallinger.
The pace of the writing is fast and the narrative prose excellent.
My only carp is that though the pace of the writing is fast, the story unfolds too slowly in some ways. Some kind of action might be advisable in the first chapter. We all try to set the scene and introduce the characters and it's always tempting to do that in new fiction - the blank page thing. I'm told (though I object to it myself) one has to start with a pacey, singular action sequence, then launch into the story. It's probably due to the impatience of modern life - screens instead of books, I guess.This seems to be why they use 'prologues' so much on this site. Not my preference, but it seems to be the trend.
Backed, because I think this is excellent and th epitch promises a really good story / screenplay (later).

You award stars by looking under my rating on the top right hand corner of your second (where your book is)page,SG

Hello Chris , welcome to Authonomy , I really understand your bewilderment , however , believe me, you will soon get the hang of it - it has the power to change your life! It has certainly changed mine. The first chapter of your book certainly pulls no punches and has a very strong impact , so you have obeyed the first law of an aspiring author , which is to seize the reader's attention. Watchlisted and starred. Would you be able to look at the first chapter of my novel 'A Buccaneer'which is set amongst Pirates in the 17th century , with best wishes , Strachan Gordon

Okay I'm starting to find my way around the site but how do you award stars to writers?

How do you award people stars?

I will look at Hearts and Lies but how do I obtain it. I'm truley a novice to this site

What a heart wrenching letter for someone to write. Although her father blames her I have a feeling Jagga blames her self. You have a very great start here and I did not find anything wrong with your first chapter althought I am terrible about picking out those things. Lots of luck and stars.

Jennie Lyne Hiott
P.S.
If you get a chance, could you take a look at Hearts and Lies.

I am looking for a publisher/agent for my first novel The Stash. It is a 75k family saga/crime thriller, rich in humour but deeply sad. I am currently 30k into my second novel called The Rent Boy, a story about terrorism on Britain's streets.