Soldiers

Hi,
First, I would like to congratulate you for instilling an authenticity to this creative story. I was intrigued in the prologue and then I was cascaded to the back-stories of each character. You balanced the characters well, each one's lives interesting and believable without diminishing the core of your story.

The suspense was compelling, you certainly gripped and had me wondering, guessing and wanting more...

This book has a wide marketable demographic, the younger readers would be interested in the contemporary characters...

I could definitely see this on the big screen one day and there are concrete grounds for a follow-up.

I really enjoyed it...
Max stars from me

Good Luck and thanks
FC

A very good pitch.
Strong first paragraph, encrusted with great description.
Your prologue was just the right length to draw your readers in.
You immediately set your characters up and you create a lot of suspense throughout the narrative.
You tell a good story and have researched your market and readers.
A brilliant pace set and I was compelled to read on.
Engrossing story.
Well done.

This builds up very well into an engrossing read. I could see this as a TV series. Only comment would be that you use a lot of adverbs on the end of speech tags. I was told in my review that most of these can usually (ha!) be omitted without losing any sense of the situation just by relying on the verbs to do the job. Just IMO. Happy to read, star and comment.

Hi,
First, I would like to congratulate you for instilling an authenticity to this creative story. I was intrigued in the prologue and then I was cascaded to the back-stories of each character. You balanced the characters well, each one's lives interesting and believable without diminishing the core of your story.

The suspense was compelling, you certainly gripped and had me wondering, guessing and wanting more...

This book has a wide marketable demographic, the younger readers would be interested in the contemporary characters...

I could definitely see this on the big screen one day and there are concrete grounds for a follow-up.

I really enjoyed it...
Max stars from me

Good Luck and thanks
FC

A very good pitch.
Strong first paragraph, encrusted with great description.
Your prologue was just the right length to draw your readers in.
You immediately set your characters up and you create a lot of suspense throughout the narrative.
You tell a good story and have researched your market and readers.
A brilliant pace set and I was compelled to read on.
Engrossing story.
Well done.

Hello Aoife,
I saw that you were looking to swap fantasy reads, so here’s my contribution. I read the first 8 chapters and found the pace and the interest were sustained. I saw this very much as YA, perhaps because of all the characters only Lefu strikes me a adult, the other seem very much adolescent
The prologue worked well for me, just the right length, leaves the reader with a lot of questions. I just had a couple of thoughts about it. First, although I love the alliteration in the first line, can wagon wheels really wade? The second was why do you mention that the wheels were bronze? This, for me sets the story in the pre-Iron Age.

I liked the opening sequence of the first chapter, it has good clear dialogue and immediate character-building. I sense Erik is going to be more of an anti hero. I wondered where the story was set given the names and that they speak a very definite Americanese.
The dream sequence was confusing. Erik behaves and speaks like a rather crass high school student, and the ‘Medieval’ castle is very much a child’s idea of what a castle should look like – the knight in armour on the door, the flag on top, the drawbridge leading straight into a big room with a party going on, just like in your average American home. The princess switching from French to English/Finnish(?) and the dialogue with the ‘Tunic Man’ is also the kind of dialogue you’d expect in a dream. But is it really a dream? I couldn’t decide.

chapter 2
Elena isn’t such a definite character as Erik, in fact she rather takes second role after the old healer. I wasn’t convinced that she would be sent into the forest at night to look for a rare flower the healer didn’t actually need. This smacks of the dream sequence too, but I’m not sure it was.

‘a small blue flower that sometimes grew in the the moss at the feet of trees.’ the foot would be better.
The Amazon usually refers to the river; it might be better to say ‘into a rainforest.’

I wondered would Elena be able to pick out colours in the dark with a flashlight?


I liked the Lefu sections the best, maybe because he comes over as a very different character. Elena doesn’t really have much to say for herself in the opening chapters, Erika and Jing-Mai behave like spoilt brats, but Lefu is emotionally affected by what he has been through. As I said before, he is the most adult of all of them, with adult preoccupations. His thoughts are for his family, the guilt he feels when Anne tells him the killers were really after him not his family. Erik and Jing-Mai seem very wrapped up in themselves, real ados!

I must say I found the language a bit irritating sometimes. I don’t know how the Finns speak English, but Erik seems to replicate American teen speak, very much like Jing-Mai. In fact either of them could be American high school students. I would have preferred Erik to have a little more Finnish cultural definition.

I liked this idea, the four complete strangers being thrown together and expected to work as a team, whether they like it or not. The story has great potential, as I said, aimed at more of a teen readership. I think it could be improved by explaining a little more the way they are all transported to the tree house, which parts are dream and which are real. The time lapse between the dream encounter with Anna and the actual abduction isn’t altogether clear to me.
Highly starred.
Jane

I read all the chapters and was a tad disappointed when they ran out. What I found was a tendency to invent words here and there. Adverbs should be used with some caution as they tell and don't show. Fine in dialog as this is how people talk as long as the adverbs sound natural, which the invented ones don't.

Frex embarrassedly, puzzledly, bad-temperedly, confusedly, downheartedly, sinisterly, dispiritedly. Ok so they are not all invented, but all of them sound very clunky and shouldn't be in this book. Added to that list is annoyingness, which isn't a word, either. Perhaps go on a search and destroy mission for all of these and at least 70% of all other adverbs that are not inside quote marks.

There are minor techical glitches to an otherwise great story. I have backed it and given a decent rating.

The prologue ends on a high note and full of suspense. Just the way you want your prologue to end. However, there were some language hand-ups.

"wide bronze wheels... waded..muddy roads." The wheels don't wade, not even in a river or mud, they don't wade. Wade indicates a searching motions.

"Sending showers of droplet... in flurries" really awkward with the string of prepositions.

I think you reread the prologue for and think more about the precision of the descriptions. I found quite a bit to be convoluted.

That said, your prologue was effective.

no semicolons inside dialogue.
the first chapter, opens quite dramatically with the band practice. But immediately, I am wondering about pov. It seems you might be flirting with a omni-pov.Why so? I think is better if you remain in Erik's really.

I feel that you should consider your adverbs more critically. A lot of them is already implied in the dialogue and action.

The encounter with the girl fell flat for me. First she slaps him and then slides into a little girl act. That felt too unbelievable for me. You glossed over how they portal into medieval europe from his practice studio.

I enjoyed the Lefu chapter more than the Elena chapter. I think perhap it is because I like the brashness of Lefu more. The ending of that chapter could be stronger though. Notice, you end up telling. And oh in the Elena chapter, there was a paragraph on broken neck and bones that I found somewhat stilted.

In the end, I question for the somewhat omni-pov you are using. Since you have chapters dedicated to each character, I think perhaps, you should tighten pov to those of the main characters. At the very least, keep the narrator to comment on the main characters only. Be careful about telling and the adverbs. It makes the prose sloppy.

You have a good cast of characters. I wonder how it'll all turn out.

thanks for the read.

Overall, a strong prologue which had me asking questions and wanting to read on and find the answers. The jump in location and style to the first chapter brought me up sharp initially, but once I settled down into it I found it had its own polished flow and style.

One little nit with the prologue (and it is little): when on the scaffold the controlling group dragged the woman backwards and then forced her to kneel. To me, it would have seemed more logical to drag her forwards?

This is a strong and intriguing read. You might want to revisit some of the punctuation and sentence flow/structure to make sure things are always as clear as they can be, but otherwise this has a lot going for it, in my opinion.

J.S.Watts
Witchlight

Hi Aoife,

I’m here for our read swap. Sorry it’s take me so long. Below are my findings. They are, of course, my humblest opinions and should be taken for whatever they’re worth.

Regarding your short pitch, delete “very” (both times). It’s a very unnecessary word ;).

“…and must learn…” on doesn’t sit well for me as a pitch. Perhaps it can be a better tease with stronger verbage?

“Variously” is a weak word, especially to start a sentence with.

If they are abducted, saying they’re plucked from their lives is redundant.

“tree-house high” drop the hyphen. Otherwise, you’re saying that something is as high as a tree house.
Delete “who calls herself”

“setting them bizarre…” Setting? I think you need a different word there.

The premise of this is very intriguing, but there’s way too much back story and wordiness here for a pitch. Keep it to the hooks, and focus on whittling.

Prologue

The first couple lines, I wonder if it wouldn’t read better as “It was fitting that it was a grey day.” Otherwise, it’s not 100% clear that the second “it” refers to the grey day.

Need a comma after “wide”

“wheels of the wagon waded” careful about alliteration. It’s not your friend so much in novel prose writing.
“betrayed no hints of discomfort” betrayed isn’t the right word here. That makes no sense. Revealed? Displayed?
“Precisely how young” add “she was”

Need a comma after “Eventually”

No comma after thunder

“One of those watching the prisoner, a woman…” Not clear if the one watching the prisoner is a woman, or if the prisoner is a woman by this sentence

“trying” and “tale” are italicized. Why? Kind of distracting and I don’t get the underlining point. :P

“definitely” is a weak word

Whew, great action going on here, and wonderful suspense. You have a knack for pacing and a gift for storytelling. The biggest suggestion I have is that the writing is still a bit choppy…nothing a few good rewrites can’t fix. Careful about overusing adverbs, and be a bit more careful about your word choices. That said, the storytelling is good, and that’s the important part. This is an interesting start and one that’’s hard to stop reading once you’ve started.

Best of luck!
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Aoife,

I'm sorry this is far later than I said it would be in the thread, but I've been busy with real life. Now I've more time to spend on the site, yours was the first of my WL to look at. As promised, I looked at the first 5 chapters (that's not counting the prologue). Here are my thoughts.

I'll start with the prologue. I’m usually a bit put off by prologues, as a lot of folk who use them seem to think they should just be there as a matter of process. Yours, however, is very well done indeed. The descriptions are well paced and the reader is quickly brought into the event. There are questions aplenty thrown up – who is the woman? The man in the crowd? What did she do? Why? What has all this got to do with the upcoming story? These are the sorts of things I expect from fantasy, and you’ve really laid out an irresistible invitation. There’s no criticism I can offer on this opening part.

On to the story proper. I was a little thrown by the setting of the second chapter, after the modern feel of the first it was a bit of a readjustment, and I assumed wrongly it was in a fantasy, olde-world type place. This is more than likely my fault though, not yours, and I soon found it cleared itself up.
Each of the chapters that introduce a character are very well done, being intriguing little stories in themselves and doing a great job of lining the characters up for the main haul. I was really pulled in, particularly by Lefu, his chapter was the best in my opinion, though Elena’s came a close second. I admit to not really caring about Jing-Mai, but that is because of the high-school setting; again, nothing to do with your writing. Erik...well, I’m not decided whether I like him. I don’t dislike him...let’s say I’m neutral for the moment.

So, all these characters have been brought together from all over the world and thrown together in a tree-house. Their initial interactions are important, and I feel you handled it well. Now it’s a matter of how they adapt to the situations, and seeing where the story takes them.

Ok, those are my general thoughts. As you can tell, it’s pretty positive. I like to offer constructive thoughts too though, where I can, and for this work I think the best thing to offer is that I really think you should work on the ‘tags’ around dialogue. There are far, far too many adverbs and associated description splattered around, and it doesn’t need it. A lot of writers will put them in to make up for a lack of skill with creating the context, and though it’s necessary for them, it’s not solving their problem. Others, and this is where I’d place you, do it just out of habit of the old ways. You’ve gone past that landmark of writing, and your context is conveyed perfectly – your reader knows the meaning behind a sigh, or the tone of voice, because you’ve got the skill to show it through context. In short, the adverbs are utterly redundant, and removing them would really bring the quality of those sections up to the standard of the rest of your work.

I hope this has been of some use for you. I’m going to keep it on my WL and will find room to put it on my shelf soon, as I think it’s a good piece of work that deserves the backing.

D M Sharples.

This builds up very well into an engrossing read. I could see this as a TV series. Only comment would be that you use a lot of adverbs on the end of speech tags. I was told in my review that most of these can usually (ha!) be omitted without losing any sense of the situation just by relying on the verbs to do the job. Just IMO. Happy to read, star and comment.

Hi Yerwun. You did me the honour of commenting and backing my book, so I thought I would return the favour. I have to say I am very impressed by your writing style and the story itself is intriguing. If this was a book, I’d definitely buy it. I’ve left some comments below, which I hope prove useful and have no problem placing your work on my shelf.

Pitches.
The pitches are well done, doing their job of telling the reader what to expect.
Prologue.
The opening paragraph beginning: The wide bronze wheels of the wagon... and ending: She paid them no heed, draws the reader straight into the story. One immediately wants to know who this young woman is and why she’s chained to her seat.
Her dark hair (spun) in the breeze. The use of the bracketed word didn’t work for me, exactly how does hair spin? I would suggest replacing it with something like: Her dark hair wafted in the breeze, or was tossed about by the breeze; something along those lines.
‘Kneel,’ she commanded, in front of a thin stone slab. The structure of this sentence is a tad awkward. Would suggest rejigging along the lines of: She started to haul the prisoner backwards with the aid of the others who held her chains, until they reached a thin stone slab. ‘Kneel,’ she commanded.
Chapter 1.
Nitpick: Erik (honestly) considered this. I don’t think you need the bracketed word. It’s an adverb and doesn’t really add anything to the narrative. You’ve also used the adverbs: guiltily and actually in the preceding sentences and you need to watch you don’t fall into the trap of overusing adverbs. They have their place, but should be used sparingly.
In the next paragraph you again use unnecessary adverbs: They both (really) like you – this word in particular has been used a few times in close proximity. He was getting (irrationally) angry. But he’s not being irrational is he? He appears to be angry that his friend is using these two people and that he should make a choice between them or leave them alone.
Johan fumed (silently) for a few seconds... another adverb you don’t need. If he was fuming aloud, then you can insert dialogue, as it is it’s obvious, without the adverb, that he’s remained silent.
...until he (obviously)..,. just couldn’t... Again, not needed. Indicate his lack of control by his actions or body language – show not tell.
She smiled (benignly)... and continued to smile (benignly.) I don’t think the repetition works and it just adds to the list of unnecessary adverbs. Try to find alternatives. For example: Her smile was benign... She continued to smile benignly. This way you have only the one adverb.
In the latter part of this chapter, the dream sequence, you use fewer adverbs and the narrative flows better.

I put this on my watchlist after starting the prologue. Will come back to it later. For now, I just have one suggestion. I would take all or most instances of the word "it" and see if you can replace them. Much of the narrative in the prologue is very well done and the sentences/section using "it" word detracted a little. If you can make those sentences as strong as the rest then you have an even stronger opening. Great finish!

I read the first chapter. I respect the way you form a tense ambiance; though it can be a bit heavy at times. I really could visualize the scene with the wagon.

You have a good ability for descriptive and dialogue, which comes together well in spots and especially in the third chapter. I find that your descriptive in your prologue or your very first chapter carries on to where it is almost like purple prose and too much info that can just be cut to get on with the chapter.

Do not find offense in this, but I was having trouble reading on to the second chapter because of the first one's description alone. This might throw some of your readers off seeing as people on here tend to just read one chapter and jet it when they check out your book.

I kept to the second chapter and have read the third and fourth and fifth like you have asked me to and will be reading more, and even set this on my watch list.

I find sometimes you use words that seem to just be ones that are not normally used to describe something. They seem to be placed in there at odd places like, she gauged the patient...gauged? I am not really familiar with it, but seeing as my parents are both nurses and I know a variety of medical terms from them you could use something like check the patients vitals or just observed him, and began to treat him. Maybe this might help.

I really do like the second chapters dialogue, and the interaction between his “dream girl ” per say. I like that you have created this own little world within a world, it is fascinating as I read I am trying to connect their lives, and see where you place them all.

Lefu is an interesting enough character, his narrative alone is very well done. I think somewhere here these chapters seem to be written better as you go along and I as the reader can get a better taste for you style of writing. You might want to think of moving the chapters around and see how they place to catch readers. Unless it absolutely necessary for you to keep them in the same order.

Once again I am just giving a little hint as to a possibility, this is your book and you should find and change what is workable for you.

Your characterization is superb, now that I have been introduced to all of them.

Hope to read more,

-Elora

Another newbie here! I hope to write something constructive!

I think your strong suit is your characterisation, the four main characters all seem realistic and likeable, which is a major plus seeing how there are relatively few characters in the book. I also think your idea for your story is very interesting and you've explored it well so far, I like the magic powers and world building. I think the biggest problem for me is that I don't feel the writing is fleshed out quite enough, that the pace could be a little slower and new concepts could take a little more time to be put across, but them I'm a highly analytical person, and what I find reasonably paced others may find boring ;)