Leverage

Douglas

Before I start, none of what I will put is in any way written in order to get feedback or a reciprocal read from you. I don’t comment to get comments and I always put what I really think – it’s important for me that you know that.

Short Pitch – Good, it conveys the story and gives a sense of impending disaster. It acts well as an initial hook.

Long Pitch – Also very good, it fleshes out the story, gives some background and sets up the antagonist/protagonist conflicts within the book – two minor nits, first sentence should be “tracks” him down not “tracked” him down and second paragraph, drop the “his” from the family life sentence, it’s superfluous.

The story itself starts in grand old detective fashion and this feels like a thriller from the off – you have a good sense of character and the scene sets are neat and concise. I must confess, the Now and Then bit confused me at first but I like a story that asks questions of the reader. Be careful with hyphens, if you are going to use a phrase like “gusto blur” which is great, it needs hyphenating so as to deliver the melded impact of the words “gusto-blur” this is not a grammatical thing, but a stylistic one – there are a few examples throughout.

The dialogue when it comes is well constructed and tag free, it delivers plot but most importantly for me, it sounds as I imagine the characters to sound in my head – that is to say it is realistic and in thrillers especially, dialogue is key as it is an essential way of delivering action and feeling – it bodes well then that you seem to have a good and clear grasp of its function and construction.

Your writing style is identifiable throughout that which I read – a voice I can relate both to you and your characters, you have a great turn of phrase and you use contraction well as you also use effective punctuation, breaking up parts with triple dots to indicate pauses in flow etc – a few punctuation errors but nothing that can’t be tidied up on a line edit.

All in all a very confident start and I will be watching for further chapters. In recap, you have a a great premise, a clear and well reasoned voice that matches the persona o your characters, great use of dialogue and structure and some very witty phrasing.

I like this a lot Douglas and when my shelf gets changed – witch I admit is a slow process, you will have some time on it – on the up side once you are on it, you will find yourself there for quite some time.

Well done – 5 stars.

Hello, Douglas!

My apologies for taking so long to get to you. Normally, crime thrillers aren't my thing, but I found myself at the end of chapter 7 before I knew it. Your writing style and your approach to storytelling are engaging, and I like your method of then and now, weaving the complete story. I almost forgot I was reading about a politician, and that's a good thing!

Rated high stars, and best of luck!
Hana Bathir
Sea of Jasmine

Hi Douglas, Sorry for the slight delay in making a start on Leverage. I really liked the pitch and the title is great too - sort of buzzword-zeitgeisty. Also, you've definitely got that mysterious thing that writers have either got or haven't - voice. The cadence of some of the sentences is brilliant, and I especially liked 'I could never convert my langorous plod to compete with her dynamic footfall'. There's even laugh-out-loud moments, too, like the first mention of Members of Parliament. I've only read a couple of chapters so far but I'll be back for more and I'm going to give you max stars to try and get this noticed and will keep you on my watchlist to give you some backing as soon as I can free up some space. All the very best,

Mark, The Devil's Fan Club

Wow! I wish I could write like this. You have a very confident, literary voice. I loved such things as "encouraged Regret to saunter heavily from my subconscious and sit squat on my chest" beautifully descriptive, vivid and so emotionally true.

You have a true talent and I wish you the very best with your writing in the future. Don't whatever you do ever give up.

Belle

Some great writing here. Don't know why it's not higher up the chart. WL and starred for when a space becomes available. I don't change my shelf too often, it's of no benefit to the writer.
Good luck with it, Doug.

I read your first four chapters (Authonomy 2-5) three months ago. I read your next three chapters today.

General comments: An impressive story. John is a finely drawn, conflicted central character. Artful descriptions. Well-measured tension. Edgy pacing that propelled me forward.

Specific comments on the fifth chapter:
1) '3am' should be '3 a.m.' or, better yet, 'three a.m.' This same issue occurs at the beginning of the other two chapters I read.
2) You used 'John' so much in these two paragraphs that it became noticable.

Specific comments on the sixth chapter:
1) ' ... John felt glad.' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe his gladness so vividly the reader will experience it along with John. When you do this, the reader will be pulled deeper into your scene. There is another case in this chapter where you use 'felt.'
2) ' ... one tense encounter where his Mum had really let rip.' 'Mum' should be lowercase. When a kinship term is modified (usually with a possessive pronoun) it becomes a common noun and is lowercase.
3) 'I don't see the big deal' he had argued. Comma after 'deal.' 'He had argued' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma. There are more cases in this chapter where you have not punctuated dialogue and should have.
4) Good end of chapter hook.

Specific comments on the seventh chapter:
1) 'John felt a little self-conscious ... ' As mentioned above, try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe his discomfort so realistically the reader will experience it along with John. By doing this, you'll pull the reader further into your scene. There is another case in this chapter where you use 'felt.'
2) ' ... and with that let's open the floor to any questions you have for our candidates' finished the penguin shaped chairman. Comma after 'candidates.' 'Finished the penguin shaped chairman' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma. Also, hyphenate 'penguin shaped.'
3) 'Yes, you sir' Geofnry pointed to a man in the third row, ... Comma after 'you.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. Period after 'sir.' Also, is 'Geofnry' the way you intend to spell the man's name?

I hope these comments will help you further polish these chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Oak" and let me know how I might improve it?

Have a marvelous day, Douglas.

Al

glad to have read this. apart from being an interesting premise at first glance, the build up within feels properly paced and the style of john's narration doesn't have me thinking you're working off someone else's blueprints.

the method of punctuation was a welcome deviation to what i'm used to, and i think you were effective in keeping the structure understandable. it was no trouble at all to stay on track with john's story right up to 16.

i think this very easily meets the standards for a digestible crime thriller, and i've applied my rating to reflect as much. well done.

Hi Douglas,

I read up through Autho chapter 8, and I think you have the beginnings of a fascinating political thriller here. The first autho chapter was somewhat confusing - is it meant to indicate John's age during certain periods of time? I think you should make its significance more obvious. Anyhow, I like how you jump back and forth between John's present and his past, especially given the teaser in Autho chapter 2, where it is implied that his past will be coming back to haunt him in some way.

It seems to me that you're building a very complete character in John by showing who he is and who he used to be, and then tying it all together. So far, he comes across as a very well-rounded character with plenty of depth, one who is interesting to read about and easy to sympathize with. You also do a good job of creating suspense by shifting back and forth between then and now, making the reader wonder where all this is going and how the events of "then" will affect John's current situation.

Your writing style is very professional and neat, and something about the way you describe things makes it feel suspenseful even when there isn't any clear reason to be nervous. Perhaps it's because of the set-up you have with the second Autho chapter, in which case, great job in creating a hook whose effects really last! I think it's interesting how you really take the time to set up your story, but it doesn't feel slow or cumbersome.

The dialogue feels very natural, and I think the descriptions of John's internal thoughts are very well-constructed. They certainly add to his character, giving him a very clear voice and really showing who he is. Especially the chapters that are mostly reflection, before the more political chapter 8 - I think it's great how you show his motivations and reflections.

I feel as though I should say more, but really, I don't have anything to critique! There are a handful of small punctuation errors, but those can easily be tidied up and aren't really an issue. Overall, your book is a very well-crafted work, and it seems ready for the bookshelves already. Highly starred, and best of luck with this!

Cheers,
M.
Astral Sea: The Pandora Project

I love that line about John's life ready to be vacuum sealed! In fact there are lots of great lines and phrases here and the dialogue is excellent. I like the three time period structure and you are making it clear which is which so no reader confusion! The descriptions are good too, especially of the night out in Glasgow.
I've read the first two chapters so far and will read more. For me the second chapter was slightly stronger. I thought John's thoughts interrupted the flow of the comic exchange between him and his campaign manager just a bit - verging on telling, rather than showing their relationship/characters. Love the card though. It's a great hook and should have all your readers turning the page to find out what has gone on in the past.
Very glad to have found this one,
Kate
The Licenser

Impressive writing Douglas. I love the original set-up, it's unusual and refreshing. I read to chapter 5 and get the sense that this has the markings of a great thriller. Lots of stars!
Melissa
Lessons in the Dark

Very thrilling plot with an interesting story and excellent description. On my WL and high stars.

great characterization, lots of conflict

LEVERAGE
Introducing this story with the threatening odd note makes a good beginning. Kept me reading to see what someone had on John and where this was going. I didn’t quite understand the first page (before, after, now) and wondered as I read it if you needed that (later on it’s clear what the page referred to so I think you should keep it. I like the way John’s campaign manager advises him to tell the crowd what they want to hear. There seems to be a lot of that kind of advice going around these days. John makes a good main character. The way he describes a portion of his life as a snow globe waiting to be shaken is a great metaphor. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Very strong opening and like the mysterious card. Way to keep the reader turning the page! The first chapter, where you describe time zones, etc. needs to be replaced. It's very confusing to the reader. My suggestion would be to insert a 'time stamp' above each chapter you are writing about with the appropriate time if you are skipping around. Really like your book and hope my comment was helpful. Dina Rae

I read your first four chapters (Authonomy 2-5).

General comments: A clever start. John is a credible main character. Excellent use of deep point of view to add dimension to your main character. Realistic descriptions. Edgy tension. Effective pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter (Authonomy 2):
1) '10am 2010-07-02' '10am' should be '10 a.m.' There are more cases of this problem in your manuscript.
2) 'A comically moustached Detective held a huge magnifying glass up to one narrowed eye.' Detective' should be lowercase. In this context it's a common noun.
3) ... before his secretary announced 'Mr Simpson is here to see you.' Comma after 'announced.' 'Secretary announced' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag precedes dialogue, the dialogue tag is punctuated with a comma.
4) ... and tasteful but powerful aftershave. When you mention an aromatic product, try to characterize it. Is the dominate scent in the aftershave musk? Pine? Lemon? Sandlewood? By characterizing the scent you'll pull the reader deeper into your scene.
5) 'Grant' Period after 'Grant.' There are many sentences in this chapter (and perhaps the entire manuscript) that end without punctuation when punctuation is required.
6) 'Your stock is high my friend, ... ' Comma after 'high.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas. There are more cases where you address someone but didn't offset their name or title with commas.
7) 'You can't ... I mean ... I'm not sure' stammered John. Comma after 'sure.' 'Stammered John' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question or exclamation).
8) Excellent end of chapter hook. Who wouldn't turn the page after reading that line?

Specific comments on the second chapter (Authonomy 3):
1) ... that would be outright disguested by the thought of two boys out together.' 'That' should be 'who.'
2) 'Uhm ... ' Consider replacing the ellipsis ( ... ) with an em-dash. Ellipsis=hesitation. Em-dash=interruption. Since Euan interrupts John, an em-dash is appropriate.
3) 'Fuck off' the other two crowed in unison. Comma after 'off.' 'The other two crowed' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question or exclamation). There are more cases of this type of problem.
4) Hyphenate 'twenty four.'

Specific comment on the third chapter (Authonomy 4):
1) 'No, this is something I have to deal with myself' thought John. Comma after 'myself.'

Specific comments on the fourth chapter (Authonomy 5):
1) 'Thirty five quid, sheesh' he explained to the third taxi driver ... Hyphenate 'thirty five.' Also, comma after 'sheesh.' 'He explained' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question or exlamation). There are more cases of this type of problem.
2) Hyphenate 'cringe filled.'
3) ' ... he was informed by a friend of a friend that lived in the area ... ' 'That' should be 'who.'
4) 'Where you been tonight boys?' Comma after 'tonight.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma.
5) Excellent end of chapter hook.

I hope these comments help you to further polish your all important first chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Have a marvelous day.

Al

Crime/Thriller and sub genre review group
Title: Leverage
Author: Douglas Cairns

Wow Factor (Read Speed/Enjoyment)
[4] Speed
[6] Enjoyment
[6] Interest

Literacy (Editing/Proofing/Structure)
[4] Free of (obvious) Spelling Errors
[4] Free of (obvious) Contextual Grammar Errors
[5] Free of Distracting Dialog

Story
[5] Coherent / Order
[8] Character/Subject Development

Marketing
[8] Cover Design
[6] Pitch

TOTAL
[56/100]

Comments: I read your first four chapters (Authonomy 2-5). A clever start. John is a credible main character. Excellent use of deep point of view to add dimension to your main character. Interesting secondary characters. Realistic descriptions. Edgy tension. Effective pacing.

Star rating:4

My grading criteria are 1=not publishable, 5=publishable, 10=extrordinarily publishable

Hi Douglas, this is a review from the Thriller Review Group. If my notes at the bottom seem harsh, I appologize but I was trying to just point out the errors. Am I an expert? Hell no! Everything I know about writing has been learned in the last year, mostly from this site. I don't gush over anything I read so don't take it personally. I do like the story idea, but something is missing in the first few chapters (at least for me). I'm not saying there has to be some action, just maybe more detail about who John is or why is he running for office, his beliefs. Whatever it is, once you have that in place, this is going to be a winner.

Sorry, it isn't letting me cut and paste here so I'll give you the score in a different message.
Rick - Jack, I Am.

Crime thrillers are not my usual genre but this is a good one. I was sucked in right away and wanted to read on after the first three chapters. I like the way you laid your story out in the Before, Then, Now. You imagery is fantastic and you’re dialogue is smooth and natural. Your pitch is great as well. It made me curious and took me into the story. Thanks for the read. I will be giving this one high stars for sure.

Okay. I've read the first three chapters. Love this Douglas. You set up the story so well; this is a real page-turner. The writing, like the plot, is very tight. Love the way it's broken into Now, Then, Before sections. Believable dialogue, great characterisation - what's not to like?
Oh, I did spot another typo - last line of Ch2 (your first proper chaper - 'that that').
Fabulous stuff. Shelved
Sheila

Leverage

The cover design and both short and long pitches accurately reflect the intriguing tone.

I know there’s going to be more to this than first meets the eye as John’s past threatens to catch up with him when he receives a menacing note from old acquaintance Danny. Grant reminds me of every other Australian estate agent I had dealings with – trotting out their management cliché speak at every opportunity. In Oz, they like to, get their ducks in a row…..

Now this might be me and it might become obvious later on in the book but I found myself asking why we were shifting from John and Danny to John then musing over his personality clash with his guilt-tripping mother. It didn’t really seem to me to be the memory that would trigger the flashback to a seemingly unrelated incident, ‘that fateful night.’

Just a tiny nit-pick but do you really need to flag up the before, then and now sections up front? They seem quite logical time shifts and we should be able to work it out by the dates at start of each of the chapters.

You are a fine writer and your characterisation of John, in particular is extremely well done. It’s hard to write, credible, colloquial dialogue but you make it look easy.

I felt that Chapter 4 should start with the 2nd para, “How much?” This is of course, subjective but that first paragraph, to me, is redundant as we can probably figure out his problem with stereotypes from his dealings with his mates and the taxi driver.

I read up until the end of your Chapter 5 to the introduction of the Danny character. I’m hooked by this point and I want to yell out to John, no, bad idea, go and find someone better to hang out with, but I can see now that he’s being drawn into Danny’s small, sinister world, like it or not….. and so am I…..

Highly starred.
Lambert Nagle - Revolution Earth

Can I make a minor suggestion before I get stuck in? Your pitch would read so much better if you added a comma after 'As his profile grows'

Loved the opening plot. Very exciting and interesting. Hope to read more later on!

A really nice turn of phrase now and then, and good writing. I always prefer a straightforward time-line than one that ducks back and forward, but that's just personal preference. Some excellent description, that really evokes an atmosphere. Well done, and to be backed.

Hi Shiny,

I finally had a chance to read your book after the week from hell. I really like your style -real flair and control of language. Some beautiful moments too with the MC's observation that noone stared at gay couples being interrupted by "What are you staring at?" -great moment! For me, I think this could be tightened up and streamlined a bit. I found myself drifting a bit as some of your observations got a bit wordy and didn't seem to be about anything too significant to the action. It was a bit Woody Allen - entertaining yes -but a touch annoying after a while. I'm not sure if it is a style thing - but if you slim it down a bit,ramp up the action while retaining your very resonant, witty and mature style (for me) you'll be onto something special.

Best,
Kaal Kaczmarek
PS: happy to read on or reread.

Douglas

Before I start, none of what I will put is in any way written in order to get feedback or a reciprocal read from you. I don’t comment to get comments and I always put what I really think – it’s important for me that you know that.

Short Pitch – Good, it conveys the story and gives a sense of impending disaster. It acts well as an initial hook.

Long Pitch – Also very good, it fleshes out the story, gives some background and sets up the antagonist/protagonist conflicts within the book – two minor nits, first sentence should be “tracks” him down not “tracked” him down and second paragraph, drop the “his” from the family life sentence, it’s superfluous.

The story itself starts in grand old detective fashion and this feels like a thriller from the off – you have a good sense of character and the scene sets are neat and concise. I must confess, the Now and Then bit confused me at first but I like a story that asks questions of the reader. Be careful with hyphens, if you are going to use a phrase like “gusto blur” which is great, it needs hyphenating so as to deliver the melded impact of the words “gusto-blur” this is not a grammatical thing, but a stylistic one – there are a few examples throughout.

The dialogue when it comes is well constructed and tag free, it delivers plot but most importantly for me, it sounds as I imagine the characters to sound in my head – that is to say it is realistic and in thrillers especially, dialogue is key as it is an essential way of delivering action and feeling – it bodes well then that you seem to have a good and clear grasp of its function and construction.

Your writing style is identifiable throughout that which I read – a voice I can relate both to you and your characters, you have a great turn of phrase and you use contraction well as you also use effective punctuation, breaking up parts with triple dots to indicate pauses in flow etc – a few punctuation errors but nothing that can’t be tidied up on a line edit.

All in all a very confident start and I will be watching for further chapters. In recap, you have a a great premise, a clear and well reasoned voice that matches the persona o your characters, great use of dialogue and structure and some very witty phrasing.

I like this a lot Douglas and when my shelf gets changed – witch I admit is a slow process, you will have some time on it – on the up side once you are on it, you will find yourself there for quite some time.

Well done – 5 stars.

Hello, Douglas!

My apologies for taking so long to get to you. Normally, crime thrillers aren't my thing, but I found myself at the end of chapter 7 before I knew it. Your writing style and your approach to storytelling are engaging, and I like your method of then and now, weaving the complete story. I almost forgot I was reading about a politician, and that's a good thing!

Rated high stars, and best of luck!
Hana Bathir
Sea of Jasmine

I read what you have up of this a few days ago. I don't read a lot of thrillers. I confess some confusion between the "now" and "then" and "before" stuff. I failed to keep track of them almost every time, and then I got lost and had to go back.

I made a few notes on punctuation; they boil down to mostly semi-colon problems.

The writing itself, I enjoyed. You had some brilliant lines. The story looks like an interesting one. I think you may need to regroup a little bit regarding the three timelines with a view toward offering some cues within the text (outside of the chapter header) that help the reader switch between the three. I don't usually slow down to read chapter headers, so they just went right by me and then I had to go back. Having to stop and concentrate on a time change so frequently jerked me out of the story somewhat.

Hi Shiny,

I find the story of Leverage very captivating and starting the book with this mysterious card from Lonny surely catches the reader’s attention.
I also enjoyed reading about the three boys’ night out in Glasgow (Chapter Two). It felt so real and so ‘typically’ Scottish? ;-)

I like the way you use John’s inner dialogue to enrich the story and I like your writing style very much. I think you have a gift.

With regard to the first chapter, I find it not very clear or there is some information that makes it hard to read. Maybe you did it on purpose and will be explaining details later on in the book. As a reader, I would like to know who Grant is and what relationship he has with John. I would like to know a bit more about John’s work.

I am sure your book will do well. Six stars from me.

Carolina
See the world through my eyes

A very different piece to what I'm used to reading, interesting to read despite the few punctuation errors I noticed. Some sentances are choppy and fragmented, but that might just be the style or genre, which I'm very unused to.

Good points: I like the dialogue, I like the artistic flair, I like the avant garde style. It's a very good piece of writing, just not a genre I would usually go for.

Starred for the charisma and style.

RK Summers
The Albion Pages

You had me at the second sentence. The cadence, the rhythm, the truth of it.
If this was on the shelf in my local bookshop, I'd likely pick it up - I love political fiction and I'm looking for more of it to read. But I don't read just anything - if the voice doesn't grab me, if I don't find it well written, it goes straight back on the shelf. Well, that isn't the case with yours! Those first few sentences are great.
Is his mother going to play a big part in the story? If so it makes sense to introduce her so early. If not, then I'm not sure she warrants as much ink. Also, I'm not sure about starting with so much interior monologue - these days we are told to start with action straight away. And watch your dialogue: our society is awash with different mindsets... goodbye to the isms... I can't imagine anyone really speaking like this except for the most intellectual, academic types, it sounds more like something the narrator should have said.
I hope that helps - if not, feel free to ditch it, I'm just an unpublished writer after all!

You had me at the second sentence. The cadence, the rhythm, the truth of it.
If this was on the shelf in my local bookshop, I'd likely pick it up - I love political fiction and I'm looking for more of it to read. But I don't read just anything - if the voice doesn't grab me, if I don't find it well written, it goes straight back on the shelf. Well, that isn't the case with yours! Those first few sentences are great.
Is his mother going to play a big part in the story? If so it makes sense to introduce her so early. If not, then I'm not sure she warrants as much ink. Also, I'm not sure about starting with so much interior monologue - these days we are told to start with action straight away. And watch your dialogue: our society is awash with different mindsets... goodbye to the isms... I can't imagine anyone really speaking like this except for the most intellectual, academic types, it sounds more like something the narrator should have said.
I hope that helps - if not, feel free to ditch it, I'm just an unpublished writer after all!

As with any review I give, please take my comments with a pinch of salt. I never mean to hurt, merely help. If I come across as harsh, that’s my inner perfectionistic editor and I do apologise for her behaviour. My brain works in black&white terms and I can’t help it (it’s called BPD).

Pitches: a few punctuation errors that would put me off if I were a professional.

C1: First paragraph - didn’t like the long and fragmented sentence describing how the character would describe his mother if she’d behaved differently to how she’d behaved. Seriously - that’s how it reads. Why do I need to know, in the first paragraph, how an unknown character would describe his mother if she behaved differently to normal?

Overall impression of C1 - not great, I’m afraid. Poor punctuation and convoluted sentences. I know it’s how someone from Cumbernauld would speak and think, but I’m struggling to follow it and I’m Scottish. I appreciate this is a WIP but this needs some serious editing. There are some nice phrases in there, but it’s a struggle for me to read the gumf surrounding them. My main advice - read it out loud, break up the big paragraphs and improve your punctuation. I’m also having to guess that this is the MC, and I would like to know his name before being introduced to random names of family and friends.

C2: I wouldn’t have read this had I picked this book off a shelf, but I like to review as much as possible.
Again, I’m struggling to follow the first paragraph due to poor punctuation. I also had to skip back to C1 to work out if this came before or after. There’s some nice dialogue between the trio but I’m wondering how much of this scene is absolutely necessary. It has nothing to do with the plot outlined in your pitches and I’m still trying to get a grasp of John, let alone his best mates.
I
read the very short C3 and was incredibly confused by that point. The jumping from first person to third person and back again, but both describing John’s POV was a lot to get my head around.

Quick skim into C4: I think you’d do well to start your story here. This is what the pitch promised me and it’s the best way of establishing John. You can cut the best bits from the other chapters and paste them in at points further into the story.

Sorry if I’m coming across as negative, but when I’m promised a thriller concerning a budding politician, I don’t want the first 3 chapters to be rambling, fragmented, badly punctuated paragraphs about…well, I’m still not sure what they were about and what purpose they served.

There is promise in this storyline, but it’s going to need a lot of editing to reach its full potential. Good luck with it.
Stacey Matheson
Hospital Corners

Unlike some of the previous posters, I feltthis book does work. I only read 4 chapters, but i instantly felt drawn to the characters, i felt the flips between different times was pretty seamless, and the dialogue was goos.
I was suprised, having read the pitch, by how likeable the characters instanlty were. There is huge temptation these days with anything non-mainstream to make the characters, particularly male characters, unlikeable or bastards, then challenge the reader to like them (nothing wrong with that, I doit myself) but your characters were a fairly nice normal bunch of lads. Cleary there is going to be something coming later that will make John a more conflicted character, possibly something he's done in hid past. This is instantly intriguiing and will keep readersd attention.
Like most other books on here, there is probavbly room for improvement, but I enjoyed it, and have given it high stars. WIll also try to back at some point.

Nathan

Sadly, much as I like the idea, I agree with Dedalus about Leverage. Something doesn’t work at the moment. It needs some tweaking to iron out a few problems. Here are the points raised as I read through to the end of ch4.

The main character in Ch1 needs a name and something to identify him, his wife, for example. He must be John Cook, but I wasn’t sure. Some dialogue with his wife would clear up doubts.

“God, Graeme hates that phrase.” This comes in too suddenly. Who is Graeme? What relationship to the main character is Graeme? He seems to be referring to Graeme as though he’s in a relationship with him. It sounds like an intimate observation about someone he’s living with.

So I wasn’t sure. Is ch1 a negative portrayal of a corrupt politician leading some kind of double life? If so, it’s damned good. The constant, almost obsessive, references to his mother are quite disturbing. On the other hand, if he’s supposed to be likeable, and I’m not clear whether he is or not, it really doesn’t work because he’s distant and judgemental.

I don’t understand the sentence, “This particular night of sleeplessness had emerged from the shadows with its companions ‘Regret’ and ‘Speedy’ totally out of the blue.” Are Regret and Speedy capitalized because they’re nicknames of his drinking buddies? Regret I can understand, but not Speedy.

Ultimately, in ch1, I’m not convinced about what’s eating John.

Ch2 switches to third person and describes the tormented John ten years earlier. Not sure why the switch to third person. Graeme is referred to again, but nothing else relates to the character in the opening chapter and it really has to. Wouldn’t he still have his mother fixation ten years earlier? Instead he’s setting out on an “adventure of monogamy” and it isn’t convincing.

In ch 3, “Should I tell Grant about the card?” made me wonder whether authonomy had missed a chapter out. Who’s Grant?

Anyway, sorry to be such a misery about this but I hope it helps in some way. All the best - Ian

Hi Douglas,

I've come through my thread offering swap reads. I've read chapters 1-4 and have slightly mixed feelings over this piece. Overall I liked it, but I found it very fragmentary and as such difficult to really get into. There are of course aspects of it which you can't change, but certainly in the first chapter where you break up the hypocrisy side I found very distracting and immediately distanced me from your MC. I also don't think the date at the start of each chapter is enough to show the distance in space and time and would perhaps be better directly telling your reader as it slips out of one's mind quite quickly.

However, the writing was of a very high standard. The pace of each chapter was nice and quick and each little episode was intriguing. The characters all speak in a different way making them seem more real and producing some great turns of dialogue. I particularly enjoyed Grant.

Certainly from your pitches this sounds like a very good plot - I could really get a great taste for it in the four chapters I read, but combined with the layout ou have it could easily develop into a gripping read. But the start is too broken and fragmentary for me and really should be letting me into the characters mind.

That said, it isn't bad. Its good and I'm sure you'll get some really strong reviews and loyal backers, as your writing is excellent and the story original.

Yours,
Joe

On my WL.

Some great writing here. Don't know why it's not higher up the chart. WL and starred for when a space becomes available. I don't change my shelf too often, it's of no benefit to the writer.
Good luck with it, Doug.

I'm so glad you made me read to chapter 4, Douglas - because that's where your story should begin! You've read mine, so you can see where I'm coming from: a dangerous card from a dangerous loony is just the kind of 'hook' you need to reel the reader in. And the ensuing storyline is both witty and compelling. Yes, you may want to dripfeed some of the stuff of the earlier 3 chaps in at some point, but I'd stick with this 3rd person narrative throughout.

I'm quite excited by this book. Giving you 6 stars for now, will hopefully shelve after your next edit.

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Millionaires

Wow! I wish I could write like this. You have a very confident, literary voice. I loved such things as "encouraged Regret to saunter heavily from my subconscious and sit squat on my chest" beautifully descriptive, vivid and so emotionally true.

You have a true talent and I wish you the very best with your writing in the future. Don't whatever you do ever give up.

Belle

Here come the promised comments... you might not like all of them, but I hope you like some!

Like the layout of the story from the synopsis and it was from the synopsis I knew who was talking to me in the opening chapter.

The voice is well developed and John is there on the page, but he could be better yet. He's still a bit too wordy, editing will help later on when you've got everything off pat. One thing which takes time and practice is minimising the I's. The less you have - the more he'll emerge.

This chapter is about what he's all about and what's going on in his head. There's always the exception to the rule, but most of us don't think in plan I mode. Try something like – Regrets, their logic escapes me. The same with worry, what's the point?

Getting further into John won't be too difficult for you. It's just a case of stepping back and thinking about how the words lay on the page. In his minds eye, he wouldn't think I'd describe her. He might think – what a terrier-like woman she was etc. It's just a case of finding your own way and your own style. It comes with time and about twenty edits!!

It took me ages to understand what everyone was on about when they talked about a hook and even longer to be able to find the right one for my book. Yep, that thing that draws people in and makes them want to keep reading. It's been changed too many times and it wasn't until I came on this site Andrew pointed me in the right direction. Changed it again and it worked better than before. The hook needs to be in the first few paras or your reader will likely lose interest. I don't think this will be your final opening chapter, but not to worry, it gave a good introduction to your character.

Question... Who was Graham? His name was dropped in as if a reader should be in the know, we or rather I wasn't. To be honest there were several in there who I wanted to know more about. In a short summary of this chapter, I would say it was you, not just a reader who was getting to know the characters.

Forget the comment you wrote in the forum about descriptions. Those last three paragraphs of the first chapter were an absolute delight to read.

Chapter Two.

Now we're talking!!

I liked the opening paragraphs of this second chapter. I was there, in the pub with them and enjoying every minute of it. From your comments in the forum, you know the difference between telling and showing, so the balls in your court to edit out the bits you know don't belong. Yes there were plenty of them... he understood it was dark, he was reasonably sure, he was pleased, he was proud. I won't go on... though I do sometimes!

Loved the man comment... you'd always have someone to watch the football with. Brilliant!

The last line of the chapter was... in a girly word... beautiful.

Okay.. you did it again in chapter three. A character appeared I wasn't privy too. Grant? Who is he?

It could be me, being female, but I want to know about the person before he starts thinking about them. Fine Grant appears quite promptly at the beginning of four, but too late, my brain was already asking questions before. Then when he appeared, cute! Only talks in clichés... excellent characterization.

I'll be honest Doug and say, for a wip, this is pretty good. Things might not be in the right order yet or how they'll end up eventually.

Never doubt the fact you can write, because you can and well. Novels aren't born overnight. Wish they were. You just need to add some blood, sweat and tears and you'll have a bestseller this time next year. So get on with it. Your characters are good, believe me, I'd tell you if they weren't. Your dialogue is good and so are the descriptions. No they're not up to fantasy level, but then this isn't a fantasy book and so it's around about perfect.

Before I forget. Loved the drunken taxi scene in chapter six. Euan's line was perfect and cracked me up.

Believe you me, Shiney, it's a very promising story which I won't be taking my eyes off. Good Luck and hope you get it finished soon.

Thanks for your kind comments, Mark.

Hi Douglas, Sorry for the slight delay in making a start on Leverage. I really liked the pitch and the title is great too - sort of buzzword-zeitgeisty. Also, you've definitely got that mysterious thing that writers have either got or haven't - voice. The cadence of some of the sentences is brilliant, and I especially liked 'I could never convert my langorous plod to compete with her dynamic footfall'. There's even laugh-out-loud moments, too, like the first mention of Members of Parliament. I've only read a couple of chapters so far but I'll be back for more and I'm going to give you max stars to try and get this noticed and will keep you on my watchlist to give you some backing as soon as I can free up some space. All the very best,

Mark, The Devil's Fan Club