Beer, Blood ....and the Irish. A sinister Little Comedy

on my shelf - good luck!

Hello Milo
I enjoyed your story (couldn't open ch 13)... the relationship between the lads is real and hilarious... Marco was my favorite, his wit and sense of thought was humorous ... After admitting that the lads friendships were too close, it changed the story for me... I kept wondering why!

Your plot is well setup, "show, don't tell" was perfectly executed... the back-stories were real and to the point of each character and the conversations with the dialogue were authentic and believable... I enjoyed your descriptive tone, each scene; the airport, the bars or the other characters created a nice picture...

I am not experienced enough to delve into your "writing" critique, but I am an avid reader and understand the writing process...

I really liked this, I was pleasantly surprised and you really hold a creative, humorous mind...

I could definitely see this book on the big screen, it has the full package...

Oh about the "Sopranos", I am guilty of being a follower, each Sunday evening we crowded round our TV's and just devoured that show... season after season, Tony Soprano, his family and their crazy antics was prime time for us...

Thanks for this real and humorous read
Highly starred!

Good Luck
FC

I REALLY like the new 00 chapter where the MC and this girl have known each other for awhile. But in a few places you have missed some editing and the "just met her three days ago" thing is still in there.

I see you took a lot of my comments about adding setting to the scene and not letting us know the friends are dead yet. I think it has definitely improved and is a workable and gripping first chapter.

I am humbled to have helped and a little scared, as I have very little knowledge of this writing stuff myself!

Let me know if you want me to look at any other specific chapters or anything else.

-Katy
The Promenade

I will ignore the grammar errors, as it seems they have been brought up before, and you're looking for comments on style, plot, characterisation, etc.

I would advise that the first chapter is not the best hook. First, the scene doesn't really make sense to me. Is he asking this girl to make love to him and then angry with her because she did? Why does she want him to act sad before she'll be intimate with him? Basically, I don't know or understand what's going on. Sometimes that is good and can build intrigue, but I'm not sure this chapter accomplishes that. You may want to drop the scene in somewhere else.

However, it may still be salvagable as a first chapter if you make a few alterations. I think you should make it clearer what is going on. Keep in mind that we don't know these characters yet, so we don't know if they are being ironic, sarcastic, genuine, etc. We also don't know if they just met or are lifelong lovers or simple friends. It leaves me feeling like I missed out on something in that scene because i haven't been given enough information yet.

I think chapter 3 and 4 are your strongest of the ones I read. I loved the desciptions of Italian culture and how sleezy women won't even sleep with men who are too drunk. I also loved the scene with the two men who shot the condemned man. When he talks of how his daughter will be proud and he'll tell her to move so he doesn't get ash on her, I got chills. There is some excellent imagery there.

I like the idea of really getting to know these three guys on a road trip of debauchery and then watching as they encounter these terrible people and frightening situations. This brings me back to the first chapter again, in which the man (presumably your MC) describes how his friends are dead. I hope that's not the two friends we just met, because that kind of feels like a momentum-killer for me. You shouldn't give that away right off, because now I'm not going to get as attached to them, knowing they are already sentenced to death.

Finally, I think you should clump your sentences into larger paragraphs. Reading the story one line at a time is cumbersome. Additionally, I wouldn't head your chapters with anything but the important information. Instead of setting the scene, adding a title, and giving us some description, I would just write "At the Airport" or something similar.

I hope you find some of this useful. I think this story has excellent potential and I love the premise. Good luck.

-Katy
The Promenade

It reminds me of The Restraint of Beasts, by Magnus Mills, but written in a very strong foreign accent. I can't see this ever being published in English unless you first get it published in your native language and your agent or publisher sell the foreign publication rights, at which point the novel will be professionally translated and then maybe the reader will fully understand what on earth is going on with these three characters.
All the best with it,
Naomi

I read all 28 chapters. First off, I'm not going to go on about the grammar as you've had a bucketful of that in your previous comments. Yes, it does need working on, but the good thing is, you're well aware of that. I've read stuff with worse grammar than yours where the writer can see no problem with it. You can and that will work to your advantage.

Your characters are well thought out and are believable. Their dialgoue is generally good and you have a real knack for adding splashes of comedy into your writing- some parts actually made me laugh out loud.

Your strong point is in your descriptions of your surroundings, particularly when you're describing outside: the sky, buildings, environment, etc. These parts are actually really well written and I could picture them clearly in my mind.

All in all, you do have real potential. You are obviously very passionate about writing and it's just a pity that you don't have more time to do it, as with more attention, this story would be promising. The only advice I can give is to try and avoid getting defensive and commenting back when people on here view their opinions on your book. It's hard when you think people are bad-mouthing your 'baby' but you just have to grow a thick skin, bite your tongue and see whether their opinions could be of help to you. You say that you don't have a lot of support in your private life with regards to your writing so let people on here advise you instead. True, some can be less than polite but most of us are here to help each other in our shared love of writing.

Rated and backed. Keep wriitng, I wish you all the best.

First, this novel is for the new adults. I like the tone and the narrative, but I think it would look better in a regulkarly flowing prose paragraph. It sometinmes looks like a beat poem and it won't stand up as a poem, but on the whole a good idea and a good voice telling the story. Go with the prose style but keep the words. There are some good new images here. Don't worry about the different points of view. Some writers have 4 or five pouints of view. Just make it clear who is talking. Good luck with this. I see a big market for it once you clean it up.

You have some very funny bits in this. I was laughing a lot. Great voice and excellent, humorous metaphors. After the first chapter, I'm confused as to what is going on, but I bet it's cleared up as the story progresses. Just make sure you aren't relying on the reader to read the synopsis in order to understand what's happening in the story. I've given this high marks!

Milo,

Here are my honest comments on the four pages you wanted me to critique. As instructed I have paid no heed to grammar and typos – concentrating instead on POV, style, delivery and that intangible je ne sais quoi that one hopes to find in a book.

I will say before I start Milo – that you have way less to worry about in terms of ability than you think you do – it’s time that you are short on as you have explained to me before. I can’t help you with that side of things but going forwards, if you do ever want some help with proof reading and cleaning up typo’s etc – just let me know my friend and I will do all I can to assist you.

Ok – Onto the four pages in question.

The first couple of observations are on page structure, simply in respect to the shape words make on the page and their contribution to the overall feel – this is not a grammar thing ok. Don’t write in block capitals – ever. Unless you are Hubert Selby or Jeff Noon or you have a very good reason – a name of something etc. Instead italicise the words so not FUCKING but fucking. Also, double indent each new paragraph – with two spaces.

Just helps with the shape of the text and believe it or not – that has a huge impact on a readers perceptions of style.

The opening few lines feel good – you have a nice style that with work can blossom into a good voice Milo – I trip at this bit **** skinny tall expressionless English chaps**** don’t use triple desrcriptives, it’s always too much – stick to singles or pairs so you don’t disrupt the lyricism – the flow of words. One killer descriptive or two in a complimentary pair.

You have some great phrases Milo - ***The porno version of snow white*** I liked a lot, I can follow the story and the images you are reaching for but sometimes you reach a bit too hard (See point above) Sometimes but not always.

***Against my nature, I was trying to figure out what she was thinking, my disobedient heart slipped out of my body, flew over promising her eternal love and devotion.**** Brilliant Milo – that’s your voice working well – your style, a style you can hone and perfect and again ***Nuts and bolts of my interior life crumbled to dust*** That’s you also – the voice you need to reach for. If you write it all like that you are home free friend.
The bit you highlighted in yellow I like a lot as the MC debates her vibes – the way should sleep with his best friend etc – it made me laugh in a good way.

I can follow the POV easily enough Milo – First person is great for this sort of thing but that’s not to say one should not flit from on POV to another if they wish. There are no hard or fast rules despite what people might have you believe – just so long as the POV you sue suits the tale you are telling and here the first person narrative works well. If you hear anyone trying to dissect narrative beyond first, second and third – if they start talking about close or near third or first person limited – shoot the fuckers in the head, they are full of shit – POV is as POV does, that’s all the explanation one needs. Everything else is just trying to sugar-coat things after the event.

The passage with the 12 year old listening to Motley Crew works really well – elements of humour and social commentary fleshing things out and I like the pace – easy going, no rush, I’m enjoying this and all we are doing thus far is waiting for Marco to come back from the toilet. That’s good – a novel should be like sex with a beautiful woman, a long slow build towards something mind blowing, not a quick wham-bam here’s the money shot folks. You pace things well Milo.

If this is your worst four pages Milo you will be fine – the sexual imagery with a bit of tidying up is really good – the switch phrase from “Ballerina’s to lust” is special as is the analogy of a young person seeing his aunt in a bikini – a bit risky and I like it, just needs a bit of tidying up but you asked me to stay away from grammar so I will (You can always ask me that later my friend)
*** 'Having 2 cells in a pocket is just as annoying as having 2 fingers up your ass. One is alright, two is too much**** Laughed my arse off when I read that bit Milo – again, very good.

Ok Milo – I read those four pages maybe eight times over – I read them out loud and in my head. They are not bad pages. It all works. POV, Characterisation. Plot flow. Pace. Delivery and most of all narrative style – you have great touches of humour and a lovely way with words that at times bellies your Italian roots and the precious little time you have to devote to writing.

I admire you Milo – and I like you and your book a lot.

All it needs is a good scrub up – a cleanup and a bit of refining. Seriously. It does have limitations Milo, you and I both know that, but they don’t lie in the realms of plot, story or narrative style. They lie in the realms of grammatical execution. There is no shame in that Milo – especially given your circumstances.

If I can help you in anyway way – any way at all then please just ask. It’s not like there are big things to fix Milo – it’s not that your English is poor – it’s just a few little bits and poom, it will fly off the page. I’m not one to interfere, Milo – I have way to much respect for you to do that. But as I said before – If you need me I’m here, all you got to do is ask.

Oh and another thing – you are probably one of the most widely read people on here as well so hats off to you for that as well – did I not read that you had ordered some Chekhov the other day??
I will close with this – there is nothing you can’t fix – had your grammar been perfect but your style banal and lifeless then you would be screwed but as it’s the other way around – with a bit of work, everything will come to right.

Good Luck and Best Wishes

Rob

on my shelf - good luck!

Milo, there is no denying that this needs work. You have plenty of comments about grammar and syntax and the whole nine yards. But I will say that yours is the first book I've read on here that I have found myself genuinely enjoying despite the myriad errors. And I don't even read stuff like this. So keep writing, and learn your craft. You've already got a great story, you've just got to brush it up a bit.

Jasmine

I'm impressed at your comments. I don't think in my 3 years on the site I've ever found a larger collective of people showing what useless know-it-alls they are. You have a few helpful tidbits here and there, but that's it.

That being said, here's my know-it-all-useless comment:
In my dealings with publishers, from small to the big 5, they didn't care about grammar. If you're self-pubbing, that's another story; you need to polish your manuscript. I'd suggest finding a crit partner who will edit it for you if that's what your publishing goals are. This doesn't mean you shouldn't try to fix your grammatical errors; it means that anyone who disregards a manuscript based on grammatical errors knows fuck-all about publishing and should be considered the village idiot (we have a flock of them on this site).

As far as wording/ language usage-- again; books that were only partially written in English have been considered for publication by HC. And-- for that matter, I'm American and have read many books by UK and Aussie authors that have language usage that confuses me. Have you ever read Trainspotting? Could you imagine the reception that book would get on this site? Still-- look how well it sold. I did not have trouble with your language usage/ wording at all. I noticed places where it would read more smoothly if a few words were changed, but this is an easy fix.

The positive attributes of your book are that the story is engaging, easy to read, written in a unique style, and it's quite reflective of a true-life road novel. Most trips that are worth writing about are pretty eventless until a certain point, so your pitch alone tells the reader there is more to come. I mean, I can drive to Florida and the entire trip there would be kind of bland, but the story's still worth writing about if it paves the path for the adventure that takes place once I get to my desitnation.

Your chapters are short (which is fine) and they're easy to read, so even at 18K words, you've not bored me into putting the book down, and this is still just the beginning. I think people are reading several of your chapters and thinking they've read a lot, but in all actuallity, they're not. The decent crits groups on this site request 10K be read, so unless people are reading up to Chapter 13, they aren't really getting a large enough sample to judge. I'd suggest joining a crit group and asking that they concentrate on content, style, and plot and ignore your grammar for now. That will weed out some of the know-it-alls.

I think your writing style reflects your book's content and despite it not being 'traditional' in form, there are no set rules for you to follow, so if you don't want to change the form as people are suggesting, then disregard the comments to do so.

Personally, i wasn't confused with the story split. If you decide to clear this up for the reader as some have suggested, the method in which I'd advise is a simple notation at the beginning of the chapter/ section. One of my books switched voices part way through, and i just wrote the character's name under the chapter. For time switches, I just wrote the year under the chapter. A simple change such as that is easy to do, and I'd consider doing it, despite feeling like it is a compromise. If you feel this disrupts your style/ intent, then disregard that advice.

Of course all books could be written in a more commercial manner so they could be sold to genre-fiction loving publishing houses. From what I've read, that wasn't your intent. In my understanding of your purpose in writing this, in this style, you're executing it in a way that makes sense to me. I think people are reading this as though it's typical genre-fiction and it's not.

This is my favorite voice to read in, and I enoyed the raw and honest facet of society that you are showing the reader. Books do not have to contain 'likable' characters-- that's bullshit. The world has lots of corners and wide open sunny spots with unlikable people living lives. If people want to read books with likable characters, they can wait until their mommies get home from work and take them to the children's book store. Your characters are realistic, so you've already accomplished one major hurdle many authors struggle with. I felt like the characterization fit the major characters so far. They're three guys interested in drinking and fucking; we don't need to know about how they cried like girls when their grandfathers died, or what their favorite colors are. You've shown us through their actions what their characterizations are, and I felt like the blanks you left were intentional. Up until the point I read, their behavior was believable, so I didn't need a psychological profile to analyze them, and I felt like it if you did so, you'd kill the pace and it wouldn't mesh well with the story.

In my opinion, you're trapped between retaining your unique writing style with some content that some readers aren't fond of (they aren't your intended audience anyway) and finding a balance within the gluttonous rules and formatting typical writers adhere to. If you're trying to get this traditionally published, you may have to bend to some of the suggestions people have made. I'd suggest approaching this in a method that preserves your style as much as possible. First, I agree with what Fred said about your first chapter. I'd say it again, but he said it well, so consider that bit of advice. Second, don't follow the advice of people who don't understand your work. It's a waste of your time. I'd suggest reading portions of books on this site until you find someone with a similar style, and ask them to swap critiques with you, or join one of the crit groups but explain your intention when you join so they focus on the parts that will help you the most. Best of luck with this.

This is a comment on the comments.
I want to say in public, I'm glad the writer has answered comments: one always has right of answer. I'd treat several of these comments with contempt. But then a couple of people have been useful - to salvage my faith in this site.

Hey Milo
I think you have a fantastically jaded narrative voice, really engaging. Love the frankness of your descriptions, very succinct and to the point. A shit load of typos and stuff but fuck it I feel your personality shining through and with a fair bit of work I think you could be onto something.

Sorry, Milorossi, I thank you for looking at my pitch, and I took a quick look at your book, but I won't be reading. You are on one watch/list and have 9 comments. That means to me that you need to read those comments and follow their advice. Maybe "then" I will take another look.
Good luck!
James W. Nelson aka SubRon2

Great another useless comment.

Sorry, Milorossi, I thank you for looking at my pitch, and I took a quick look at your book, but I won't be reading. You are on one watch/list and have 9 comments. That means to me that you need to read those comments and follow their advice. Maybe "then" I will take another look.
Good luck!
James W. Nelson aka SubRon2

Isn't it strange how some people denigrate other's efforts. perhaps they don't understand what you're doing.
Firstly the tale is choppy - up and down, round and round. It's OK but it head-fucks the reader.
Never in a novel have a long run-up. Modern readers need the first page to drag them into the plot.
Yes, they travel, yes they arrive but you don't need to say this in the way you are doing.
Start with an event, try to avoid talking directly with your reader and show them the scene.
A scene is - description of the place, sights, sounds, smells, characters. The make the characters do something which means something for the rest of the story. Then dialogue, then the results of the action.
Try re-writing the first chapter with this in mind.
I ike the MC's voice. It is sharp and clear, untidy and humourous, but it all cuts no ice in a place where they are all trying to be serious authors. Your story starts much later, is the bottom line.
Good luck with it!
Writing a book is damned hard work. I used to think you wrote it sent it to an agent and hey presto! It got published. Life, my friend isn't like that.

Ok Milo,

Here are my thoughts.
Before I start Milo, I would qualify my review by saying that unlike many others, I am very widely read – my tastes range from Proust to Agatha Christie and I have no preconceived ideas about what does or does not constitute a novel.

The thing is this. I read the first five chapters and there is potential here for sure. It is possible, contrary to what others might say to have a novel that is a collection of loosely related or even unrelated scenes – Hubert Selby did it William Burroughs did it – but it’s hard Milo. If you are going to break with the mainstream – you have to me a million times better than if you walk the feel trodden paths. Now that’s not to say you should change. But if you are going to pull this off you need to tighten it all up.

Fair play to you, English is not your first language – but that fact won’t cut you any favours in the cold hard world of publishing. You need to work on your grammar. You need to learn that whilst grammatical correctness is often a matter of stylistic interpretation, you can only achieve this style if you understand the rules in the first place. You need to develop your voice into a consistent delivery of plot, character and scene.

For me, there is potential here. I like books that challenge the norm – but it needs you to learn your craft a little better before you can do your ideas justice.

Join a creative writing class. Write shorter pieces and post them on here for review. Read, read and read and never give up on writing. Accept that every book needs to be re-written and this is but draft one.
I’m not down on you Milo and I am not down on your book. I care enough about both to be honest with you and say that in its current form, it is too rough to be reviewed in a balanced manner.

I think if you work on your English skills you will be able to do your ideas justice because for a story like this to work, your exposition and dialogue and style has to be first rate.

All of which is meant to be honest help.

Good Luck

Rob

Thanks alot!
Yes, I could tell alot of people who commented aren't that well read. (Which makes it even more humiliating)
I go see their favourite authors and it's like "Douglas Adams",'Chuck Palhunik". The types of authors I image a freshman high school teachers suggests the kids to read so they get into reading.
You're right about Buroughs. I remember, the first time I read Junky. His wife appears and dissappears out of nowhere. I was love it.
Let's not even talk about sarramago, how if you're not careful in some books, you'll never know who is saying what.
And FUCK. Bukalov devised stories, worst the mine. Or Salamov.
Or Irvine Welsh Porno which to mee starts at page 142. (I remember remembering that.. cause it was pissing me off)
Anyway, you're right, and I'll take your advice.
I think it was the second of La recherche..., that nothing happens for the whole dinner. (I don't like proust, too cerebral.)
Unfortunetly, Some things you say, I know already.
But can't help it. No real time. (The wife makes impossible).
Now, rather that looking the book over.
The time I have I'm trying to read tons of books to re-pick up tons of vocab.
Can you send me your book in PDF at rossipaddy@gmail.com as I can hang on the internet to long.
Lata
P.
Btw_O.T my favourite movie is BARFLY where nothing happens.(seen it 10000 times)
and AGAIN THANKS!

Ok Milo,

Here are my thoughts.
Before I start Milo, I would qualify my review by saying that unlike many others, I am very widely read – my tastes range from Proust to Agatha Christie and I have no preconceived ideas about what does or does not constitute a novel.

The thing is this. I read the first five chapters and there is potential here for sure. It is possible, contrary to what others might say to have a novel that is a collection of loosely related or even unrelated scenes – Hubert Selby did it William Burroughs did it – but it’s hard Milo. If you are going to break with the mainstream – you have to be a million times better than if you walk the well trodden paths. Now that’s not to say you should change. But if you are going to pull this off you need to tighten it all up.

Fair play to you, English is not your first language – but that fact won’t cut you any favours in the cold hard world of publishing. You need to work on your grammar. You need to learn that whilst grammatical correctness is often a matter of stylistic interpretation, you can only achieve this style if you understand the rules in the first place. You need to develop your voice into a consistent delivery of plot, character and scene.

For me, there is potential here. I like books that challenge the norm – but it needs you to learn your craft a little better before you can do your ideas justice.

Join a creative writing class. Write shorter pieces and post them on here for review. Read, read and read and never give up on writing. Accept that every book needs to be re-written and this is but draft one.
I’m not down on you Milo and I am not down on your book. I care enough about both to be honest with you and say that in its current form, it is too rough to be reviewed in a balanced manner.

I think if you work on your English skills you will be able to do your ideas justice because for a story like this to work, your exposition and dialogue and style has to be first rate.

All of which is meant to be honest help.

Good Luck

Rob

I'm sorry, Milo, but I cannot comment on this, except to say that it is very poorly written. You should not get up your hopes too highly for its progress on this site. I appreciate English is not your first language but, even making allowances for that, this collection of scenes will never amount to a novel. There seems to be no plot and the characterisation is very weak.

Your enthusiasm for writing, and dedication to writing at every possible moment, must be applauded, but you will need much more than that if you wish to be an author. You will need skills that you don't seem to have at present.

I suggest you join a creative writing group and really study the techniques of writing, and practise the craft in short stories, and smaller pieces, before you think about tackling a novel.

Good luck to you.

JESUS! I'm I THE ONLY ONE THAT READS ALL YOU GUYSES BOOKS. IT'S 2 parallel stories at the beginning.
THE CHARACTER DESCRIPTION AT THE BEGINNING IS A JOKE!!! IT's OBVIOUS THAT it's not meant to be a REAL description. You find out about our PROTAGONISTS LATER ON.
It's not to richard I'm talking too.
It seems all everybody just read the first 4 chapters and make up their minds.
ARRGH!!
The plot begins AFTER THE ROBBER-KILLING. THEN THE BALL ROLLS. NOT BEFORE. Before it's like a big introduction.
You know what? If you're gonna read it (not richard, anybody who reads this) READ IT ALL!
Obviously, I'm not crazy. I'm not a psycho, who, as a definite character description writes:
"Marco, well I caught him reading the hobbit, I' can't descibe him anymore"
"AND he claims to be cuckold"
NOW a reviewer said : Well, if he says he's cuckold why does he hit on a chick.
Well, I never said he's cuckold. I said HE CLAIMS to be CUCKOLD.
As you find out later on. He envies cuckolds, because they get a free ticket to drink all the whiskey they want, feel sorry for themselves, get attention and free beers from others.
I find some reviews superficial.
The master and the Margherita was split in two:)

I'm sorry, Milo, but I cannot comment on this, except to say that it is very poorly written. You should not get up your hopes too highly for its progress on this site. I appreciate English is not your first language but, even making allowances for that, this collection of scenes will never amount to a novel. There seems to be no plot and the characterisation is very weak.

Your enthusiasm for writing, and dedication to writing at every possible moment, must be applauded, but you will need much more than that if you wish to be an author. You will need skills that you don't seem to have at present.

I suggest you join a creative writing group and really study the techniques of writing, and practise the craft in short stories, and smaller pieces, before you think about tackling a novel.

Good luck to you.

Damm!
Poor Milo, the most misunderstood story...
If there were Minus stars, poor Milo would probably get them:

I see everybody hates the main character.

Truth was/is he is just the narrator. Like I said JUST

He and Marco are supposed to be THE emotionally inferior beasts.
Bradi is supposed to be the real star.
Second:
The two killers have nothing to do with Marco, Patrick and Bradi.
Well at in the beginning anyway.
Later on they meet...

So, it's two parrallel stories.
It's not like it REALLY jumps foward and backwards.
It's two different stories that collide, starting in chapter 34 till the end of the book.
The two killers remain without a name till they meet our heroes.

As for the spelling..Try writing on the train, when two people are fighting about who grandmother makes the best pesto and why..
seems simple!

I read through chapter 10. There are spelling and grammatical errors all along as I read, but I didn't get stuck on those. What I had the most difficulty with was when the chapters switched back and forth between the current reality of the airport and the trip that they embark upon and the apparent shooting that is going on and the Cliffs of Moher. I'm sure this is stylistic, but somehow I found that it confused me. Maybe consider putting those alternating chapters in italics or a different font? Also, I had trouble liking your main character. Especially when he says (I'm assuming its your main character speaking) that is two friends are dead but he is fingering a girl anyway and so he doesn't care? I found that a bit off. In order to care about a story and want to read more at least one of the characters needs to be likeable or at least very interesting. So far I did not find any of your characters terribly interesting and was disgusted by the idea that someone would do what he describes.

Anyhow those are my thoughts.

I wish you well with this,

Rena (Bunderful) author of Master of the Miracles

Limo,

I stopped reading at chapter 8 and here it goes.
1) The story is indeed funny and interesting, although plot- and character-wise it needs A LOT of tending to, as you repeat yourself over things that -to me- sounded trivial, and you ended up sounding as if you were forcing me to laugh.
2) Also, saying that Marco is a cuckold and then have him hit on Maylea was a bit odd. Don't know what you are (or even if you are) hiding something there in Marco's character, but you shouldn't confuse the reader for long. Marco's behaviour up to the 8th chapter (which is a lot more than people on here/agents read before they decide if they like something) is not one of a cuckold.
3) The chapters where you present the two mob guys killing people and making fun of the blood on the face of the short one: You are changing perspective there and going from 1st person limited to 3rd person omniscient. How did that happen? Who is watching these two? Different 3rd person omniscient POV's are allowed, but your MC , Patrick, is the one telling the story, and he is not there when the two mobsters shoot the guy, right? Or is Patrick there, too? Also, in these chapters you repeat how silver it all looks. Find something else.
4) Your language use is very poor. The chapters I read are full of grammatical errors, one of them stands out, as you use the word "taught" instead of "thought" ALL THE TIME. Missing words and extra words are flying all over the place. Plus, your punctuation is out of place most of the time, or doesn't exist at all. I can show you all these mistakes if you send me an email -use the one on my profle- with your 5-6 opening chapters.

You really shouldn't expect anyone to read a manuscript that is not polished to the best of one's ability. Minor errors and slip-ups are to be expected and are also forgiven. But the state of your upload is far from being ready to be read. I understand that you are a non-native speaker and, as such, mistakes are to be expected, but this here needs a lot of attention. Send me the chapters and I'll show you.
This is as honest as it gets. :)
Yannis
The Book of the Forsaken

I guess I am your first comment. I have read through chapter 3. I like how you have the tag that gets the reader interested at the end of the first chapter. I also think the story will be interesting to read. Here are some thoughts:

* First Chapter:
* Capitalize 'New York'
* The sentence where you start "The voice of reason..." I think the sentence after that is a fragment and it should read "The voice of reason, high standards, ..."

Ch 2:
"Like nobody drinks..." should be "Like anyone drinks"

* It seems like all of the chapters are just one sentence per line and not paragraphs. I think this gives the reader a feeling of a short choppy read. Try to blend some of the sentences together in paragraphs and I think it would make for a smoother read.

Again I think the plot is intriguing, but you need working out smoothing some of the rough spots to make it an easier read. I will be back to read and comment more. Keep up the good work!