The List

It's nice to read a story with humor for a change. I enjoyed it and will give it four stars. If you put the rest of it up, I'll read more.

vivid characters. In a short space you describe them spot on. Writing is amusing and engaging. WIsh there was more to read. Best of luck.
If you have some space on your wl, would appreciate feedback on SERVED COLD>
M Cirillo

I have only read chapter 1 because I have to go out in 2 minutes. I've watchlisted so I can finish it tonight.
It's very good, well written and easy to follow. I didn't think I would like it this much, just going on the pitch, but you changed my mind in the first paragraph.
The only thing I would say is the coffee bit is over explained. You could go from '...I don't of course mean real coffee' to 'Unfortunately...'

This was great! Humorous, realistic, punctual, thoughtful...It flowed so nicely, practically coerced me into reading it! The emotions felt very authentic and the dialogue was perfect. You present your readers with some awesome suspense, and you give just enough information to keep us reading. Great job!

Kerrin Krainis (Alaska)

An amusing, descriptive and well written book. Your writing style is very impressive, dialogue are realistic with vivid charachters and narrative is at great pace. Highly rated.

Com Lit Review-The List by David Baron The best feature of this work in my opinion is the dialogue. The realism of description is over the top excellent. I think the RAIN MAN reference might confuse those who had not seen the movie. It is very funny and so believable. Excellent. :) :) :) :) :) :)

Com Lit Review- The List by David Baron

Prologue

I found the prologue full of action but lacking humor.

Chapter One

The funny starts and I really liked the bit about coffee and its other meaning, fummy stuff. Some of the jokes were a little dry for my taste but I found others well thought out situations like the whole inability to perform .

Chapter Two

The story picks up and I luaghed a bit more. I think the scene in the casino was good and the one in the room after better. I do believe I'll read more to see if it keeps pulling me along.

I found the whole of the two chapters to be paced and written well.

Great Job :) :) :) :)

Shain

Hi David, had this on my list for so long but finally got time to start reading. This is a very easy story to get pulled into. It flows well, the prologue gives that impending sense of doom but leaves you wondering if he'll do a James Bond and get out of danger at the last second, as well as wanting to know how he got to that point. I can clearly see the Bateman influence. When Isabella recounts her moment with Jeremy, reducing Luke to tears and then instigates make-up sex she comes across as so manipulative. She seems very in control of the situation so be interesting to see what game she is playing.

I am up to chapter four and very much enjoying! The prologue was a great hook and I liked the way the first chapter went straight into the main story, with the back story then filled in in chapter two. The dialogue was very realistic and I thought both Izzy and Luke were well developed and I wanted to read on to find what happens to them. Most of all, I though your writing was excellent. Well crafted, smooth, great pace and no jarring lines that I have found so far. 6 stars from me and backed!

Best of luck with it.

Oktober

Really liked this! It immediately caught my eye, the humour is brilliant, and the writing style is very fluid and readable. The inner dialogue is really amusing. Good luck!

Backed The List. The first chapter draws the reader in with the MC helpless, beaten, and tied to a chair. Chapter 2 is great with the dialogue between Isabella and the MC. I plan to read further. Your book was recommended by CC Brown, author of Dark Side. Read, liked, star rated, and backed. Hope you will find a place on your shelf for their book.
Rog50

This book has gone straight onto my bookshelf.
I didn't like the subject matter.
I didn't like all the swearing.
I didn't like the violence.
I think the humour and the references are very British-specific.
There is no way I would ever even consider buying this book.
But ... your writing is superb. It is intelligent, it flows, it is readable and extremely well constructed.
This is Authonomy, and just because someone's work doesn't fit into my ideal world doesn't mean it isn't a great book and worth publishing.
I wish you all the best with this (and how about a nice, gentle, pastoral romance next time? ;) )

I only read about two paragraphs of chapter one but laughed so much I have to back it immediately.
That's what they call impulse buying.
I liked the pitch, the humour and it looks like fun
Just read this quote from Patricia Highsmith - 'Writing fiction is a game, and one must be amused all the time to do it.'
Looking forward to the rest. If you get time, mine's called Fool's Paradise. It's also about celebrity and death.

I REALLY like you first few chapters! It drew me in even though this is not normally my type of genre. I like the way you describe Izzy and can almost picture this beautiful girl with pouting lips trying to wind up her boyfriend with her latest shenanigans.. Already on my WL and now highly rated. Well done!

After reading chapter one, I have to say I really like this. The prologue was great, as is the MC himself. He kind of reminds me of that guy Westly from the movie Wanted, if you ever saw it, lol. I do agree with one reviewer below, that some of the vocabulary seems a little formal and unnecessarily complicated, but I guess that's a personal choice. Loved the MC's voice, loved how you played out the tension between the two of them throughout chapter 1. I also loved the inner dialogue. Great job. Highly starred and will back.

Dyane
The Purple Morrow
The Eagle's Gift

I've only read the four three chapters, but I do feel a need to praise your work. This is normally not the kind of book you'd find on my shelf but for some reason I find myself clicking my way to the next chapter (I'm guessing it's because of the way you end every chapter with a tiny hook that just forces you to continue).

I love the way of which you itnroduce your characters. The pacing is really good and the descriptions very vivid. I can't say that I like the characters, but maybe that's not really the point either. Every story can't have those perfect protagonists and their unconditional love and I for some reason like it (although I could've sworn I hated it up to now). I also love all the tiny references to pop culture that keeps poping up.

In short: really interesting idea! I'll be looking forward to reading the next five chapters!

Good hook at the end if I wasn’t so put off by the word choices I would read more. Emotion and academia don’t always mix well.
It is well written and the pace is sometimes artful, but revenge is not my cup of tea.
Good luck

Written well on one note, but I personally think your choice of wording in many places is somewhat pretentious. Some area's you use a few references that don't make sense to me... I am sure it is a cultural problem on my part... but I don't want to read something I need a dictionary at hand. Good luck with it... JF Stead

Hi David

Will definitively have a nose through this as I have a few spaces on my book shelf and WL. Would you be so kind as to have a quick look at my book - Entwined. Feel free to leave a comment.
ta very much.

Rodney Jonez (Yes - one of the many)

Com Lit review -The List

Prologue

Not a bit prologue fan to be honest - they seem designed for cheats who can't wait for the exciting bit. In this case, I found the prologue a touch wordy and overexplained.

Chapter One

This chapter had some nice moments -I liked the "Where was Italian Vogue when you needed it?" line. I think the chapter needs a bit more rhythm -I know 1st chapters are tricky but the comedy seemed showcased rather than landing in my lap for the most part.

Chapter Two.

In this chapter I really started smiling. You really find the characters voice and the humour is much more subtle and it really suits your style. I think going for wry little laughs might be the way to go - little ascerbic asides. You've got a really nice style when you find that rhythm but I'd say keep it simple and dry...slim down the wordiness and you'll be onto a winner:)

4 :) :) :) :) from me

Kaal Kaczmarek

Com Lit review - The List

Prologue
I don't have strong views on prologues one way or the other, but I thought in this instance it detracted from a great opening to chapter one. I also thought it was very gloomy, with no hint of the comedy to follow.

Chapter one.
I thought Isabella's opening line was terrific, a great hook to draw the reader in. Instantly I'm on Luke's side. I did lose some of my warmth for him as I read on. Some of his views come across as a tad sexist to me. Isabella comes across as a right cow, bitchy and cruel. The exchange between Isabella and Luke felt authentic to me. I like the little touches, hands jangling coins, hand gestures etc.

Chapter two.
The Biarritz holiday is well described. Isabella's reaction to the campsite, and general lack of grace and empathy reinforce the view that she is a bitch. By now we have a good idea of Isabella's stunning appearance and the effect she has on blokes, but a bit more background might have added depth to her character. How old is she? Where does she come from? How does she earn a living? Similarly, some background and a physical description of Luke would have helped me build a picture of him. I appreciate this probably comes in following chapters.

Chapter Three.
I thought this was the pick of the opening three chapters and as a reader I do want to go further. The story is unfolding, though I am wondering why Luke is bothering with such an unpleasant woman. Love is blind.

Overall I thought The List starts well with some delightful touches of humour. Menage a twat and coffee keeps you up all night are great examples. I do think a good edit would help polish the writing, as at times I found it a bit wordy for my taste. Lots of potential and four smiley faces from me.

This was fun. I’m immediately taken by the interplay between the MC and his girlfriend. There’s a line from an old song, “When you’re in love with a beautiful woman, it’s hard.” That seems pretty clear here. I also felt that the two characters were established with assurance and quick precision. I like him; I don’t like her. So far at least, he’s a lovesick dweeb and she’s a manipulator who likes pushing the MC’s buttons. The relationship described here is complex and interesting, oh so poignant, modern, and relevant. I wish it weren’t so. I am a romantic, and I would love to see simpler, “I love you forever” relationships in life. Just not the way it works, though. Sigh.

There have been a couple of comments about prologues on this site. I personally have no problem with prologues, but in this case I don’t know that it’s necessary. I’d have to see the complete book to be sure, but if David is looking for a hook, he can’t do much better than “Guess who I fucked last night?” That certainly got MY attention, and it really establishes the core conflict, at least that which plays out in the first two chapters.

In a post yesterday, I talked about humor, comedy, amusement and laughter. I find this more of an amusing tale, and less one that goes for the laugh, though there are places where I did chuckle out loud. These were:

Chapter 1

“I’m not a fan of domestic violence, opting instead for passive aggressive mind games of hostile defiance and conrition.”

“But fate and destiny are uncomfortable bedfellows; the two have no idea who’s in charge and weave about each other like a double helix, altering their protagonist subtly, at a genetic level.” I think it’s the “the two have no idea who’s in charge” that got me laughing. Comedy, many people say, is about cruelty. But some of it is simply being out of control, and about confusion. This confusion of the two, fate and destiny, is I think what makes this line funny.

Second chucke: “Well you know what they say; what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, which by definition means you are at your very strongest the moment just before you die.” I don’t know if that makes complete logical sense, but it made me laugh.

Third chuckle: “When I say coffee, I don’t of course mean real coffee. Nor do I mean cafetiere coffee or that stuff George Clooney endorses. The word ‘coffee' in this particular circumstances was actually meant as code for something quite different. I hadn’t actually wanted a coffee, nor was I offering one, not at that time of the evening—everyone knows coffee will keep you up all nigh. It was in fact an oblique reference to potential impeding [impending?] sexual activity. Unfortunately, by the time the esoteric offer of coffee had been deciphered for its true meaning, I was having trouble keeping it up at all.” Why did I find this funny? First, it’s sort of a riff, a bit of a shaggy dog story—which by definition are digressive—and then there’s the double-entendre of coffee keeping you “up all night” and then now he was “having trouble keeping it up at all.” Yuck, yuck.

Chapter 2

“Some men got so excited they woud develop tourettic ticks [tics?], barking strange things out loud and then just stand there looking puzzled, wondering what had come over them…perfectly respectable men, out with their families, suddenly drop what they were doing to howl at her like a Tex Avery cartoon wolf.” Hey, I’m a guy, so I completely relate to this. Also, as a guy, I love any reference to Tex Avery, and the wolf with the tongue that roles 20 feet out of his mouth when he spots a hot chick immediately came to mind.

“He’d be black and white though….” “Don’t be such a racist…” Nice interplay.

Two other bits of the MS which are less comedic than they are amusing and are just well done:

”Isabella would often tell me that sarcasm was the lowest form of humour, and I would often counter than racist jokes were probably a bit worse. I located some coins in one of my pockets and started to organize them into size order—hand thrust deep, palms sweaty, brow furrowed with concentration. I do this when I’m nervous.” A nice detail.

And

“…L Grande Plage, teeming with bronzed posers in luminous g-strings, muscular life guards flexing their sharply defined biceps and German tourists in floral shirts, hiding bleached mullets under their leather cowoy hats.” Great description.

Again, this is a fun read, engaging, well-written. I put this in the amusing camp more than the laugh-out-loud camp, but that doesn’t make it any less enjoyable. If I were rating it on both factors, I’d give it 5 for amusing and 4 for laugh-out-loud. Since I can only give one score, I’ll err on the high side with a five yuck rating.


:d:d:d:d:d

Hello David,
Read chaps 1-2.
A very enjoyable read with some cracking lines - my favourite the gypsified long-term memory.
This may say more about me than the story but before long Danny Dyer and Russel Brand have taken over the narrative. The MCs voice began to sound like the voice-over of the film.
Great beginning with action and pathos.
Within two chapters everything is set-up for the reader with the main hook being 'how did it all go tits-up and will our boy survive?'
Smooth well-balanced prose that never strays into over-wordiness. Highly enjoyable style.
Being supercritical I would only say one thing: on the MC scale between sympathetic and unsympathetic he is closer to the former. It would be interesting to see how you maintain the readers interest in him. I would say that the MC, whilst well-drawn, is a little on the shallow side and wonder if the reader will pick up the book again on another day?
Highly starred and on my WL.
Good luck with it!
John
Dropping Babies.

ComLit Review


ComLit review

‘The List’ by David J Baron

Lots of good lines and observations here, and I don’t mind the combination of selfish humour and ridiculous violence. I’d certainly be tempted to read further. But the flow is broken by coping with what feels like a very early draft. There are a number of ‘stoppers’ which break your concentration – some typos, some slightly awkward phrasing, some potentially misjudged tone. All of these can be dealt with, and no doubt will be on the next draft, but it makes it hard to get into a rhythm as a reader. Instead I’ve been jolted repeatedly into the role of text editor rather than being immersed in the world of the book.

I don’t mind the prologue, but reckon it could give less plot away and be more intriguing. Overall I feel we’re being given so much information on the plot that (whether we’re correct or not) we feel we know what’s coming. (And it’s Isabella more often than Luke.) The prologue tells us he’s managed to get a Bond girl beaten up, so that removes some of the will he?/won’t he? get the one on his list.

Chapter 1 tells us that she’s fucked some star, before we’ve really heard about the wager – but of course we’ve already read the blurb, so we know what’s coming. Then we learn about how Luke and Isabella’s relationship came about, knowing already that it’s doomed. In the first two chapters I’ve rarely felt that I didn’t know what was about to happen. You seem to tell us what’s going to occur, then tell us and hope we will be interested in how or why it happened. I would much rather feel that I’m living the experience with the protagonist rather than turning up ages after it’s all taken place. It feels very ‘past tense’, and perhaps the prologue makes it really clear that the story is history.

Again, this may sound harsh, but I do think it’s fixable!

There’s a tricky balancing act in making the protagonist a bit of a dolt (which I like) and making it plausible that she would spend any time with him at all. Now if he’d made up some lie about an inheritance or a disputed dukedom then I might believe in the relationship. And if he’s that much of a dolt he would probably convince himself that she knew he was joking and really liked him for himself, or his sense of humour, or his performance in bed. And then if he insisted it had all been a joke, she might be even more convinced he was trying to keep it secret. Lots of comic potential there…

Anyway – onto the detail. I haven’t mentioned every typo other reviewers have spotted many of them. But here goes:

Prologue

…to avoid the over elaborate condemnation.
I don’t understand. What are you trying to say? I don’t think the words mean what you want them to mean!

Chapter 1

…idiosyncratic of her unwillingness to acquiesce
Ouch. Keep it simple. The big words are getting in the way of the story.

I was trying to get into her knickers, I would have said anything.
Two sentences separated by a comma, you do this often.

…but I had no idea she could be so Machiavellian when I started my obsession with her just over a year ago.
When did you have no idea? Could she only be Machiavellian just over a year ago? Would you be better saying: …but when I started my obsession with her just over a year ago I had no idea she could be so Machiavellian.


This moment, for all its crudeness and immaturity was to somehow become poignant and prophetic – a marred milestone in my life.
This is all over the place! The moment isn’t crude and immature – the people are. …was to somehow become… There are lots of times when a split infinitive is far more natural than the gramatically ‘correct’ useage, but in this case it would be just as natural to say …was somehow to become… and you wouldn’t upset the purists. And is the milestone really ‘marred’? This sentence just feels like it needs a polish and rethink.

Chapter 2

…carefully applied veil of makeup
Sounds like it hung in front of her face rather than being applied to it like a veneer or a coat of paint.

…not a blown up photo of a pebble in sight.
Excellent – a decent insightful observation. Fab – let’s have more of this.

It was large enough to go jogging in if you moved the furniture around strategically, we had to shout at each other if at opposite ends to be heard.
Again two sentences separated by a comma, and the ‘if at’ is too clumsy.

It was such a perfect setting for my proposal etc
– another two sentences joined by a comma.

…betting black and red alternatively…
I think you mean ‘alternately’ – one after the other, not one instead of the other.

But instead of the imaginary aficionados I had conjured in my mind, I turned around to see Isabella sat on a high stool…
Instead of them I turned round. It’s Isabella instead of them, but this isn’t what your sentence indicates.

My girlfriend’s pussy was a dead end.
Very funny. I’d be horrified if it wasn’t.

I knew this was normal behaviour for a barman…
Excellent. Really funny misdirection – clever use of language and playing with our thinking. Verging on the surrealism which I love in comedy.

…as the alcohol vied a position of supremacy…
I presume this should be ‘vied for’

…and a huge moustache and glasses.
Great twist again. Nice one!

Look forward to seeing a new draft. I’m sure you can polish the words, and I do believe it would help if you could let the story unfold as we witness it rather than flagging up that it’s recollected from such a distance. Perhaps drop the prologue, or make it a present tense stream of semi-consciousness – then tell the story in a past tense which feels much closer in its perspective.

Good luck!

:) :) :) :)

ComLit Review.
First off, i disagree with the anti-prologue folks-it certainly hooked me in! But as I was looking for a comedy, I didn't find it in the first bit. A good set up for a Bond-like story.
Writing about relationships is hard, and I found some points where I skipped past another description of the villainous girlfriend, and how attractive she is/was. Maybe a bit of editing would help that. I enjoy how well your dialogue flows and lead the reader forward. By Chapter (3/4?) when he is bailing out his brother, the paragraphs get a bit long.

Some notes:

Small, antique, wooden chair -too many adjectives, I felt.

Anti-psychotics (missing the hyphen)

I stared him down with my most menacing look (you know the rest…) it struck me as unlikely that he would be able to self-identify that look.

Great line! Thousands of pounds of therapy were being washed down the drain as I stood there-(I don’t think you need to add that he’s getting angrier.)

I shall return to the rest later...
s.a. devlin

High stars and on my watchlist. So far your book is a work of actual genius. I intend to add "The List" to my bookshelf as soon as I have a space.
Regards Bea

ComLit review

I read all that you have posted simply because I loved it so much and wanted more (and still do). It was a joy to read. Super, witty, entertaining writing. Great comedy.

I laughed out loud many times. I loved the part about taking absolutely bloody ages to finish her off, etc. And the line about the barman in Ch.2. And the joke about Madonna (although I’d swap “old” and “vacuous”).

The Isabella-Luke relationship was great. I laughed at the ‘someone like you’ exchange in Ch.4, and the sandwich. Lots of other funny lines, like the self discharged one. The Isabella book-throwing episode was terrific, and the “followed swiftly by Gulliver’s Travels” line made me groan (in a good way). I love Mad Dan, although I definitely wouldn’t like him coming round to my house/gaff. The revelation about him in Ch.9 came as quite a surprise! And I liked the description of living with Sam in Luke’s flat.

I have one complaint: you mentioned Russ Abbott’s Atmosphere. This not only reminded me of this song (a bad enough crime in itself), but also had me involuntarily humming it for the rest of the day. I’m not sure I can forgive you for this. :-)

And I have one comment. It’s something others have mentioned. The Prologue. I’m not anti prologues like some on this site, but I don’t think yours is necessary. The start of the first chapter is engaging enough. It made me laugh and, had I read it while browsing in a bookstore, would have moved me to buy the book. The prologue probably wouldn’t; it’s a little too graphically violent for the start of such a cheery, light read. (Obviously Luke’s life degenerates as things go pear shaped, but we don’t need to see so far into the future).

Anyway, a great read and now one of my faves on this site. Six stars (and six smileys), and I wish you lots of luck getting it published.

ComLit review 
The List

I have read four and a half chapters of this so far. 
Parts of what I read really cracked me up, and parts really made me angry, and other parts bothered me a bit. I think that you have a really great voice and a smashing sense of humor. I do find that it is lagging a bit where I am reading just now (chapter five, when Mad Dan comes to visit) and I wish you would drop a few more one-liners. 
So far, this is a four-happy faces for me. 
Hook and plot- I am on an anti-prologue kick. I feel that many books use a prologue if their first chapters are too slow. In your case, I don't think you need it- you have a great hook in your first chapter with your tone and humour. You are clever in the way you present the story, starting with Izzy's confession and going back. The hook, wanting to find out how he got into this mess, is compelling. 
The plot works really well for me until Izzy leaves him. I do get a bit angry at times, because she really not very nice, but the plot holds together well and entertainingly. After Izzy leaves him, he starts to wonder about aimlessly, and the plot lags. I understand that this was the point of the prologue, but I think I need more of a plot hook at this point. Maybe you can have Luke nest a plan a bit sooner. His self pity did get a bit long and directionless. On the other hand, if you made some more funny things happen to him during this time I may be moved along better. 
Character development. You develop Luke very successfully in his manic compulsiveness. It is, indeed, hard to believe that he gets a girl like Izzy. I think you could expand this by putting him in a few more situations. For instance, you do not show him at work or with anyone besides Izzy until she dumps him. This is not mayor, though. 
Humor- I think you have a great sense of comedic timing and great one-liners, but your use of humor is uneven. At times this book got a bit depressing, like when Izzy cheated on Luke. His crying "Isabella" while watching a depressing movie hung over on a drug binge is pretty heavy stuff, and I feel it could use a bit of the fantastic humor you show earlier. 
Some of my favs were:
 
I closed my eyes and cast my mind back, but it was pretty murky in there. I couldn’t find anything of any value – it was like the last table at a cognitive car-boot sale of my frontal lobe

Where was Italian Vogue when you needed it? 

I knew this was normal behaviour for a barman but I was out of control.

I also loved the description of the bad kid school


My comments as I read:
a funk, unfamiliar, yet setting my olfactory senses on edge.
?
The 007 thing was annoying at first, and then funny with repetitions. 
Where was Italian Vogue when you needed it? 
:)

"I located some coins in one of my pockets and started to organise them into size order – hand thrust deep, palms sweaty, brow furrowed with concentration."
Good desc of nervous twitch.  

I closed my eyes and cast my mind back, but it was pretty murky in there. I couldn’t find anything of any value – it was like the last table at a cognitive car-boot sale of my frontal lobe
:)

 Anxiety, vodka and prescription anti psychotics for my nervous disposition
Good char dev bit. 
2
presumably, straight to beach.
To the beach?
 I knew this was normal behaviour for a barman but I was out of control.
:)

I shot the Adonis’s the finger as we
the Adonises, I think. 
3
Definitely not a funny chapter. I feel a bit bitter

4 
Good desc of the average guy.

"held on to both her hands and look down at them trying to look like a guilty schoolboy"
Looked. 

They were bordered by a permanent moat of saliva with cigarette butts bobbing up and down in it
:)

and my nose was too big my face.
For my face. 
I was getting sick of all the ellipses.
:)
It's a bit of a long story, but I like it. 

5 
You are loosing me here. it is getting a bit sad and pathetic, and the plot line is missing. 


More as I read further. 
Best luck with it,
Maeve

This is class, pure classy writing. Not exactly high class, mind you, but enjoyable class. Not like Ian Fleming, but like Bond without all the spy stuff. According to the prologue though, the tough stuff comes later. The first two chapters kind of concentrate on the sexy parts, or at least the potential for such. The hero's narrative reminds me of “Guy Noir, Private Eye,” if public radio were to reduce its censorship standards. I love that narrative voice.
It's not easy to make me laugh, but some lines certainly made me chuckle! I like the writing, I really do. Best of luck with this book! Regards, Jed Oliver (French Roast and Lingerie)
ComLit Review

David, Your cover and short pitch makes up for a seemingly Dull title. I say seemingly, as I think your book has hidden depths,[of depravity? ;)] The long pitch warns off those who might be offended, makes some think its a must have and others think hmm I wonder .
The prologue seems to have rather a violent start for a comedy book. But a lot of comedy would not be funny if it was real life. I liked your hero's comparison with James Bond and 'A bond villian would give a sporting chance.'Another gem is, 'It was very much my own loose morals and lack of empathy that had led me here.

I laughed all the way through chapter one. The book is looking better than I thought! GEMS - Coffee as a code - keeps you up all night./ 'I'm told I'm quite good usually. That was't strictly true, bu I doubted she would ask for references.'

Chapter Two - I enjoyed the description of the holiday resort and hotel. It felt as if I was there. The effect Isabelle had on men, causing them yo walk into lampposts was funny to read.
GEM - 'I'm her boyfriend, arsehole.'
'Hello Arsehole, how do you do? [ 'arsehole' in the 1st sentence should be spelt , 'Arsehole' as it is being used as a name. ] MY CONCLUSION - This book should be handed out instead of prozac!
I hadn't been intending to add to this comment, but have just got to chapter 3 and Jeremy Bangs.
"He was a bastard. I wish I thought of it." lol ;-)

Gillian Bergh - [ Com-lit]

David, this has a lot going for it. Your pitch alone is hilarious, and having started to read, I find I am bound to continue. My tastes are broad and this fits right in for a 'lighter' read. I'll read on and try to give you a fuller comment at a later date. Keeping you on the WL until I have a shelf space free.

Eve (Writer of the 'raunchy' stuff)

After reading only a little of this I am impressed. If the rest of the story is as superbly written I'd say you have a winner here. I already see the characters, and anticipate their story. Best of luck with it. I give you 6 stars.

Have changed font size now. Thanks for the note.

David,

You obviously write well, and it seems you have an interesting story to tell. But I did not get very far, as your font size is way too small and very hard to read! I think you need to address this issue without delay, as it can be quite off-putting, particularly for older eyes.

David

David, first of all, thanks for increasing the font size - a vast improvement!

And while I'm not normally a fiction fan, you had me hooked - a rare achievement! Your personal insights are beautifully expressed, and often hilarious! Your protagonist is such an honest, engaging and vulnerable character that I can't help but feel for him.

One very minor thing: re your back rubs (in chapter 2) don't you mean 'They were famous for giving the recipients back problems' not 'It was famous...'

I have really enjoyed the first two chapters and look forward to reading more. Definitely one for my bookshelf as soon as a spot becomes available.

David

It was hard to get into with all the other stuff going on. What is good is how the approach is---strong and direct indeed. I do not feel any attachment to your characters. They turn me off. But, good news is there are plenty of people who'll read this and think it's the greatest thing in the world. Best of luck!

Penny
The Glass Serpent

Your standard of writing and use of words is exceptional - you have a strong direct approach which seems to know what it wants and knows how to set about getting it, or so it would seem. The only problem for myself is that I'm just finding it difficult to feel any real involvement or sympathy with what's going on. I'm not a love story person. Yes I understand it's not a love story in the true sense of the word, but all the fucking and all the mind games just doesn't do it for me. However, I do wish you well - Mick

David,

Not my usual pick in reading material, and my picks are quite varied. I got through Chapter 2. Well written, though found the use of profanity a bit much. I personally feel the English language is so large and varied that there is no need to use a lot of swearing to make a point [my personal opinion]. Characterisation is good, but setting was thin at times which resulted in my losing my train of thought. I will leave it on my watch list for now and have star ranked. Best of luck.

Chrysta Mane

Well what can I say. I dont do reviews and have decided it was about time I do, your my test tube and I have one mission statement. Would I continue to read after the first chapter. In this case Yes!!! A few too many big words for my taste as if being different was trying too hard but thats just me. All in all its going on my bookself for a bit.

Dear David

I have just finished the prologue and chapter one, and though this is not my usual choice of reading, I have to say that I am very favourably impressed.

The characterisations are wonderful, the voice is spot on - is this you in another life? - and the writing sharp and filled with self deprecating wit. I liked the line, "Where was Italian Vogue when you needed it?" Clever, careful writing. I shall be reading more soon.

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped"

The writing is superb. A great idea for a story, and the last sentence in chapter 1 leads the reader to turn the page. Very well done! Highly starred and watchlisted.
There was one word in the prologue, "fuggy." Did you mean "foggy?"
Loved this line:
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, which by definition means you are at your very strongest the moment just before you die."
Good luck with this, although it's so good, luck isn't really required!
Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

THE LIST
This is a fast paced story. As well as an interesting one. I like all the internal thoughts your main character reveals; made me feel I was really under his skin. In contrast, Isabella seems a little shallow and dipsy; I wouldn’t feel badly if Luke dropped her for someone who has more his match. Either way, this is a good read. I’m adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

David,

The pitch is well thought out and written.
The cover is creative.
Title is unique.
You have done a good job writing your book here. It flows and has a drawing start.
However I have to be honest the swearing turns my interest off to read more of your book.
Yet you do write really well.
I wish you well with your book.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Interesting idea. It reminds me of a friend I know that made a similar type of list with her husband. Plus it is something that would grab someones attention. You have a great prologue. Your voice comes over clearly for the readers and it really helps them get into your book's ideas. You have a great way of making it realistic for the reader's and it has a great opening chapter. I think this will do well. Best of luck.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

David,

You obviously write well, and it seems you have an interesting story to tell. But I did not get very far, as your font size is way too small and very hard to read! I think you need to address this issue without delay, as it can be quite off-putting, particularly for older eyes.

David

The List.
By David J. Baron.


As soon as I started to read your book I knew I had read some of it before.
I hadn’t commented on it so don’t know what happened at the time.
Your book is very well written and has a certain pull to read on.
The dialogue is great once it gets going and I like your style of writing.
It has sensuality and humour which go together nicely with the storyline.
I wish you well with this and I’ve star rated it high.
On my list for shelving of course soon as I can.
Well done David!!

Kind regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

Well, not my type of thing but absolutely well-written! The first part was kind of Nick Hornby meets "shit my Dad says" (the list episode). Didn't go far in as 'tis not my thing, but if you've got a good plot going on there, IMHO you're gonna get published. A lot of readers out there for this type of stuff :-)
DJC
Man by a tree

Wow, what an opening for your novel! I don't like reading this kind of material, but your writing is superb, and you master the written word like a pulp fiction author should! Great job! Even tho I don't like this subject matter, I can discern good writing, and you are very good. I didn't see any errors, or problems that needed correcting. I am sure there are publishers looking for this kind of material, so don't give up. Keep pushing on, because you have the talent and the creativity to succeed.

Good luck with this! You may want to try the forums and try promoting your book so others see it. Once people start noticing it, it should take off!
Sincerely,
D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

Inreresting premise, amusing, well written

David,

Although this is not the type of book I would be interested in reading as far as the content, liberal use of "f", etc., you do seem to write well and I'm sure there is an audience out there for you. I wish you all the best!

Just a few other comments. In the prologue, should it be fuzzy haze instead of fuggy? I also agree with some of the other comments that it would be helpful for the font to be bigger and that some of the obscure words that you use might not be understood by some readers.

Patti

Hi David,
I've only read the prologue and the first chapter but your writing is so easy to read and enticing. I plan to read more, but I'd like to comment on the beginning first.
About three years ago an editor told me that prologues are out of fashion. I know they still happen, and I can see Sammy's comment below where he states how much he loves the prologue, so I hope you will use your own judgement on this, but...
the prologue doesn't entice me to read on, the first chapter does. The first line in the first chapter compells me to keep reading fo the answer to her question, and by the end of the chapter, I'm attached to Luke. I care about him and want to know what's going to happen to him.. The prologue gave me a lot of information about characters I didn't care about. Your characterisaion is top notch. I'd give this six stars if it wasn't for the prologue, but hopefully when I read on, I'll forget about that. I love the touch of humour, too. Excellent writing. You're on my watchlist.
Oh, and I agree with the below comment about the size of the font as well. Can you make it bigger, please..
Juli (Trusting Claude) .