Dolorelamia

Hi Rachel,

I read chapters 7,8,9, and 10 like you asked, and I think you've got a very enjoyable story here. Even though I was jumping in and was slightly disoriented at first (although the summary you gave me was very helpful), it was easy to slide right into the universe you created. You have a great imagination, and the detail with which you describe your world is fantastic.

In fact, I think one of the strongest parts of your narrative are the bits where Elliet breaks off from the action to describe some little detail that happens to be flitting through his mind, like the bit about Aionese architecture. I know a lot of readers will probably disagree with me here and say that action scenes should be fast-paced and suspenseful, but because you write in your character's voice in the past tense, I think it actually works really well. Too many action scenes rely on fear and tension alone, so your use of quirky details really color the scene and make it stand out. It reminds me a bit of Douglas Adams for some reason (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy). If anything, I think it would be interesting to hear more internal commentary from Elliet. Since he's presumably telling the story from the future, when he's looking back on the events of the book, it would make sense for him to insert a few thoughts here and there.

There are a handful of nitpicks, although I lost track of most of them. Here are the two I remember:

"not something I really wanted to think about, it was too depressing" should have a semicolon instead of a comma (I think this was in chapter 8)

"was entirely illogical; based on a myth" should have a comma instead of a semicolon (same chapter as the above)

There were a few more instances of minor typos, but overall your sentence structure and grammar are very good. You do a good job with characterization as well. Lizzie really springs from the page during her scenes, and Parsman comes off as thoroughly unlikable, which I'm guessing was your goal. He's the kind of villain that the reader would love to see the hero defeat, which is great whether Elliet ends up beating him up or having to work with him. I find that even though the plot is what "sells" a book, the character dynamics are really what keep a story going once you're actually reading it, so kudos on having both.

One thing I noticed was that you mentioned in your summary that Elliet can feel the emotions of others, but I didn't see very much of that in these four chapters. Again, it could be because I'm jumping in at chapter 7 and that at this point, it's already been established and doesn't need to be mentioned. Just an aside.

Anyway, I think you have a very impressive story here. The "voice" you write with is very unique, as is the alternate universe your story is set in. Highly starred, and I wish you the best of luck!

Cheers,
M.
Astral Sea: The Pandora Project

This is a very enjoyable read.
You've created a full and interesting world, complete with a vividly-imagined culture and history, which makes for a brilliant fantasy tale. Your characters are also colourful and interesting.

I loved your pitch. You have a great first line too, the importance of which should not be underestimated. Fantastic writing continues through the first few chapters.
This is great work, and I am happy to back it.

David Southam
Author of The Keeper of the Sightless Eye

Hey Rachel,

I just finished reading "Dolorelamia", and it's getting more exciting as it goes on. I like this adventure, beginning with the family meeting over wealth and business (kind of reminds me of Umineko no naku koro ni), though different, but the same feel. Then Elliet's adventures as a paleontologist and assassin (the crossdressing was hard to notice) and the encounters with the ghosts - those were spooky. I started to really get a feel for the world after about halfway through. A very cool story and I'll add it to my watch list.

Oh and one other thing - the pitch comes across as somewhat clunky. Aim for shorter, and more expressive, sentences. Pitches are hell to write - I know this for a fact, and they ought to be crafted carefully and with the best possible words in as little space as possible. Minds may wander if the sentences are too long. That's my only criticism - and only because I fear it may put some browsers off from exploring further.

Oh, and nice to see some British spellings in effect, also. :)

Now, this *is* interesting. The names are intriguing and sense of otherworldly atmosphere, and setting, is invoked very well. I'm not noticing any genre cliches here, which is good. It comes across to me that you have a pretty firm grasp of how your world is constructed. I'll be coming back for more. Rated.

Best wishes,

CW

Recommended to me by AEsop as I write illustrated steampunk fantasy novels myself.

Look forward to getting into this one.

-CW

Hi Rachel

Will definitively have a nose through this as I have a few spaces on my book shelf and WL. Would you be so kind as to have a quick look at my book - The List. Feel free to leave a comment.
ta very much.

David J Baron

It is rather a complex web of intrigue and chaotic goings on with all characters very well drawn. I think if I have any criticism it would be the complexities of the many relationships, particularly of those sitting around the table at the meeting of the family. (I just couldn't follow it) I'm sure it would be difficult to resolve this situation because of course it would mean a complete re-write, and I'm certain that would not be undertaken because of one person's struggle to understand. But the thought did cross my mind, and if you don't mind me mentioning it, are they all needed in order for the story to go forward? And also, just a thought, if this is another universe then why are all the traits of the persons involved so far, very similar to those of the English aristocracy, i.e. mansions, butlers, language, eccentric aunts, manners, etc.
You were spot on when you mentioned that our books were completely different :) regards Mick

Very good example of the genre.

l love your style, it's original and works very well for this story...l like the way you made 'deadpan' into a verb;- six stars******
BACKED
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
READ 'SEASONS'

I wasn’t sure about this until I reached Ch.2 where the story became really interesting with the meeting with the police inspector. I thought the encounter was great, and held out the promise of a battle of wits in chapters to come. The meeting with Lizelba was curious and fascinating, too. The writing is very smooth and readable and the world has been very carefully thought out, with plenty of background detail that one can immerse oneself in. The more one reads, the stranger and more compelling it becomes.

While the first chapter is interesting, it is just an account of a meeting. It doesn’t provide much in the way of story or indicate the direction the story may be heading. Perhaps it could be cut a little to speed things along.

For me, the most interesting parts of the first chapter were the mention of ‘body-counts’ and the fact that Elliet is an assassin and has already polished off a number of targets. I thought both aspects could be brought out more. There were many people around the table, and I felt it difficult to keep track of them, and much back-story was related which I forgot fairly quickly.

I spotted a few typos. Ch.2: “loathe to part” should be “loath to part”; “Dore” should be “Doré”. Ch.3: “would have unwelcome” should be “would have been unwelcome”; “body ration” should be “body ratio”; “Paleontology” should be “Palaeontology”.

I think this shows good promise. Despite its slow start, once the story gets going it gets better and better. And the plot promised by the pitch sounds very intriguing. Good stuff.

This is delightfully offbeat and intriguing.

What a strange but fantastic story :) I really enjoyed reading this, it's quirky and the characters are so unsual. Sci-fi isn't my strongest point, but I like steampunk fashion and this reminded me a little of Phillip Pullman and that sort of genre. Like an alternate 20th century, if you will.

I'll admit, I found the pacing in chapter 1 a little slow to start, but that just may be my opinion. Aside from that, I found nothing wong :)

Great plot, funny and very different, immensely enjoyable. Highly starred!

RK Summers
The Albion Pages

Well I've now read the first four chapters, and have found them very entertaining.

Favourite aspects: A cross-dressing assasin isn't something you come across very often in books (or real life, as far as I know) but I never realised what a shame that was until now. The first-person narrative really makes this story, I think; Elliet's observations on things are just great. There's some good tongue-in-cheek humour in there that really works. I also love that they're a mob family who are actually kinda mob-y. Too often in fiction criminal families are portrayed as being way too close and affectionate to be believable, imo.

Criticisms: My only actual criticism would be that there's a tendency towards run on sentences. I know that starting sentences with ands and buts is often called grammatically suspect, but most writers do it and it can really help to break things up. Also, I know that first-person can make verb tense a bit of a mare at times, and there's one or two places where there's a bit of tense iffiness, but only one or two.

Random observations:
I really feel like I'm being kept in suspense about Elliet as a person; I'd love some more detail about his feelings and motivations. This isn't a criticism - the fact that I'm interested is a good sign about the writing.
What time period is this, exactly? I kept changing my mind as I read; eventually I settled on 1910s/20's.
Ghosts? Hmm...this threw me a bit in a sci-fi story, but I don't know where you're going with it so I'll reserve comment.
The pace seemed quite slow, but I didn't mind because the writing was interesting and entertaining. Still, just judging by your style, it wouldn't surprise me if there were a few scenes you could take out or summarise/condense, if you really needed to speed up the plot or cut down the wordage.

Hope you find this useful, and don't be surprised if you see another comment from me in a week or two, once I've finished what's posted.

Hello!

Here are some comments from chapter 1:

I will save all of the ego boosting fluff, except to say: I enjoyed it.

Regarding things that could possibly be improved I noticed two things, neither of which are terribly important, that could possibly help you.

First, Elliot is bored, Elliot has trouble listening, Elliot's mind wanders, Elliot doesn't want to be there, etc, etc, etc. All of these are saying the same thing, I think this could be cut down a little. We get it.

Second, when Elliot pulls out the gold and we suddenly find out he is a murderer for hire, I think you really ought to add a bit of information about who he murders, or for what reasons he does so. Personally I am really hoping that they were thugs and murderers themselves and people generally deserving of it. I think explaining this a little would go a long way towards creating a likable killer character.

Adding you to my shelf, will try to read more later.

Rachel,

here for the promised read.

A gathering of a mob family with antennae! Haven't seen much of it around...:D So, although this is a sci-fi setting, you put in some realistic dialogue and real-life concerns (of mobs nevertheless). I enjoyed the first chapter, but not as much as I would have liked it if your prose were to be cleaned up. More on this later.

Elliet grew on my eyes as I read on, from a youngun pestered by his older brother to a skilled assassin. An excellent characterisation within a chapter's length. The same goes for Eldran and the mother. Aunt Dore was a fine -and intelligent- addition through whom we glanced at the past of the family.

In the short encounter of Elliet with Elzen -I think, but I'm not sure- is the first time we read about antennae... Even if that is not the first spot in the text where we find out about the unique outer characteristic of your characters, we certainly didn't get much information on it. When you mention that someone has antennae, you should know that at the same time you doubt every other normal attribute we possess... The same way you show us they are empathic you should confirm -somehow- whether they have two limbs for example. Or if their eyes are larger and bee-like. As a reader, I wondered if the antennae were the only thing "Extra", that's all.

On your prose. I'll give you an example of what you do many a times:
Chapter 2: "I don't think much else of any interest happened though, and when Mum announced that we could all congratulate ourselves on another productive meeting I was the first to stand up and try not to sigh with relief too loudly. Eldian returned to giving me a dirty look, so I may not have succeeded as well as I'd hoped there. Ah, well."

Here I would cut the part with Eldian as well as "Ah,well". You delay your story's flow with extra details that are supposed to sharpen the reader's experience, whereas they simply delay and soften it.
Also, in the above paragraph, there are minor errors. In capitals as it should be:
"...I was the first to stand up and TRIED not to.."
"Eldian returned AND GAVE me a..."
Also, the punctuation is a bit messy here and there (here for example the first comma should go after "and" and another is needed after "meeting")

I realize it is probably a first (unedited) draft and that you plan on working on it. In that context I strive to be as detailed as possible, in order to draw your attention to the things you should tend to. If I were you, I would read through the story with an eye for unnecessary information (like the one above). Trimming those will fasten the pace and make it smoother for the reader...

Of course, the above is only my take on the matter... and your take is much more important. Also, I want to say that "steampunk" is a valid term, describing a subgenre of the sci-fi fiction. Contrary to what Philthy commented on below.

All the best :)

Yannis

Hi Rachel,

I’m here for our read swap. Sorry it’s taken me so long. Below are my findings/comments. They are, of course, my humble opinions, so take them for whatever they’re worth.

Might just be me, but what is a “steampunk?”

Not a bad short pitch, though it reads more like a synopsis. Still, intriguing and caught my interest.

Might be a British thing, so ignore me if that’s the case, but in America, it’s spelled paleontology.

So far I like the pitch, but it reads a bit like a light-hearted story or something comedic. Was that the intent?
I always hesitate to start a new paragraph with “But” or “However.”

Don’t need to say “they live on”

“soldiers operating aircraft far in advance of anything either of them has ever seen…” This is wordy, clunky and confusing. “far in advance” suggests they’re doing something early, not that the aircrafts are an advanced technology.

All of paragraph two needs scrubbing. It gets tedious to read.

Two consecutive paragraphs starting with “but”

I absolutely love the premise, but if I’m being honest, I think the pitches need some heavy scrubs. Not atypical of pitches on Authonomy. They’re tough to write, and believe me, I don’t think mine is wonderful. Though I think (hope) it’s improved with the help of several insightful reviewers.

Chapter one

Do many tales of terror begin with a family reunion? Or are you being ironic?

Careful not to overthink names of places or people. If the reader has to do a double-take in order to pronounce it correctly, it might be worth reconsidering the name.

“They weren’t, of course, said city in all likelihood had never…” Is there an extra word or two in there? I can’t follow this.

Again, the premise is wonderful, and I LOVE your voice. The dialogue is strong, too. My biggest advice is to read this aloud, maybe even record yourself, because the readability gets tedious at times. There seems to be a lot crammed into some sentences. Not a tough fix, but something to look at. Also, be careful about beginning your story by dumping back story rather than taking the opportunity to pull the reader in and filling in the gaps in the story as you move onward with the scene.

Just some suggestions. There really is a lot of great stuff here and I anticipate that, with a bit of cleanup (as we all have to do), this will do well on Authonomy. As I said, the story is great! Haven’t read much out there like it (if anything), and I love your voice.

Best of luck!

Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Read the first 1.5 chapters (didn't stop out of boredom; in a bit of a rush). Liked it enough that I think I'll back it, and I'll leave a proper comment when I have time.

SF42 sci fi critique

Hi Rachel

I like the premise of this. I just read the first chapter as I'm standing up and my feet hurt too much to concentrate! I'll just get straight to my notes:

'They weren't, of course(;) said city (had,) in all likelihood(,) never existed(,) as the Rainbow King....' - just the way I would write it. I'd then probably rearrange it again. But the semi-colon and the comma before 'Rainbow King' need to be there, I think.

'religious connotations(),'

'All of which had...' or 'has'?

'members of my large and(,) for the most part, unpleasant family...' or 'members of my large, and for the most part unpleasant, family...'

The room being dimly lite with candles - the order of this sentence needs to be looked at, since it is a touch confusing. The wondering about the elecricity is a run on from the first part of the sentence, yet it comes third, as though it runs on from the curtains being closed.

'...SET in stone and the SET expression...'

'...wonder idly if(,) perhaps, being...'

There are a few issues with missing or misplaced commas - I won't list them all.

There are a lot of names thrown in there. Are they all necessary?

I dont think something can BE absconded.

'I'd thought that that apartment' - the two that's are unnecessary. 'I thought that apartment' is fine

'motto of spending as much time away from Elora...' - that's not a motto

Lastly, a girl in Rix - until then I thought Elliet was a girl. I thought Elliot was usually the boy's name.

Although I like the premise, and the feel of the world so far - even though we've not yet left that one dark room - I have a hard time believing Elliet as an assassin. His highly...flamboyant behavior, the way he is treated, and the way he seems, so far, to think; none of it seems to support his being an assassin. Overall, though, I like what I've read. Although you've classified it as adult (something which will make some readers turn away immediately, so make sure it's for a very good reason) it reads to me like YA. I don't think it really needs too much editing; just a bit to get commas right, and perhaps things like too many unneeded names and information.

One last thing, which has nothing to do with the book, but which the other comment made me think of - he/she said he/she watchlisted your book, and you said you watchlisted mine. The watchlist is for nothing more than to remind you to read it - it does not help the book in any way whatsoever; just makes the author think that there are still people waiting to read and comment, when in fact they have already done so. I just thought I'd note that since you're fairly new :) And it seems others are thinking the same with yours.

Anyway, good luck with it :)

First impression ... I love the *feel* of this story and the characters created. You write in a style that made me enjoy a genre I’m not big on—but for a few exceptions over the years.

That said, your biggest stumbling block, I can’t help but feel, is the tendency to overwrite in a way that takes impact from sentences or scenes—your story in general, actually.

I found your core style of writing totally enjoyable. It largely doesn’t need restructuring. What it needs is deletions due to overwriting. Hone your style, make it cleaner, so it’s less distracting, and you could have a great story here. That’s based on the three chapters I read.

I’ve watchlisted this and would *love* to see it edited to where I can shelve it.