The World Of The Enchanted

its a complete book...i only managed to finish a childrens book. i 've been trying for 20 years to finish a full novel, i may this year... so you have my respects for submitting a completed work.
i like your ideas, the theme and the imagination...
but story comes at you like a runaway train....description is good, but there's a lot when it doesn't need it.
and the english sentences you've worked hard to produce are in a style that doesn't look like literature.
i have some chinese friends, i was learning chinese at one time. and their english sentences are too long.
wheras the beautiful simplicity of the chinese language is in short forms.
you need to trim some of the dialogue and description. i can offer some help in this ...reading something similar to your choice, sci fi.....like the matrix perhaps? would help ...and i would dicuss use of language..how its spoken. regards, success, and luck....peter

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A gripping, sinister start. Rich imagery. Spiked with tension. Quick pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) ' ... slave drivers dumping their slaves at 4am in the morning for ... ' '4am' should be '4 a.m.' or, better yet, 'four a.m.' Also, 'a.m' and 'in the morning' are redundant. Use one or the other, but not both.
2) ' ... the smell is revolting.' When you mention smell, try to characterize it. Is the smell burnt? Rancid? Greasy? When you characterize smell, you draw the reader deeper into your scene.
3) 'The man hardly notices anything strange at all as he walking pass by.' 'As he walking pass by' should be 'as he walks by' or 'as he passes by.'

I hope these comments help you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for your support of "Savannah Oak."

Bless you.

Al

Dear Nutcracker, you are imaginative and courageous. You have also obviously worked hard on your writing. I like the story and characters, the plot and the scenes. But I think that there are too many language issues; I believe you should get an editor or someone you trust to be honest and firm with you (I have the feeling that you have a strong mind). I love your graphic work (book cover and website). All the best.

~The World of the Enchanted~

Firstly, I love the title! This is a very imaginative and gripping story that keeps the reader turning the pages!

I loved sentences like "a stray dog barks at him and follows his shadow into the dark alley" and "his own shadow was following him, like jet black blood bleeding into the dark night." Beautiful imagery!

Well done! 6 stars!

Iman xxx

Miss Manners: http://www.authonomy.com/books/39355/miss-manners

Just a couple of suggestions which, coming from a novice, you might wish to disregard and consign to the garbage bin.
I wondered from what perspective you were writing this - ' disgusting deeds'. This is a highly subjective viewpoint. Who says they are disgusting. Me ? You ? The man on the clapham omnibus ? The point is, by introducing your own view, you punctured the narrative. Similarily with ' damn business'.
Perhaps a little puffy - ' his own shadow'. Why not ' his shadow '. ' Shot right in the middle of the forehead'. What's wrong with 'shot in the forehead'.
The scene is one in which there is tension, and high jeopardy. I would keep descriptions tight and meaningful, and sentences short.
Good luck, Nutcracker.
PS - I hope, after this comment, you don't decide to implement your pseudonym

Hello Tingting Zhao--
Nutcracker-

book- The world of enchanted--

Read first three chapters- chapter 4 show error and not available-then i read chapter 17 to get a further insight into this book-

It is an original story and well told at that-As Leon sets out on this adventure from Luton, England in the year 2020, forward thinking indeed, that's what make it different.

Luton certainly comes in for a grilling here , as its described as ever so dirty. and every thing that one could say about it.
The chapter itself is stark, violent, and makes for gripping reading.
Story comes alight somewhat as the dragon mansion is described, and the indoor Chinese settings. Plenty of atmosphere created here and nicely done as it sets up the flavour of the read to come.

at 17 the book continues on to a higher level as Leon holds hands with the not so well Mr Lau's hand, thug of the heart stuff here and then Leon's opinion on women, as he states that most women have short visions and are self centred--certain to raise the hackles of some.

all in all the book is very good with the Chinese flavour in the writing coming to the fore, again making it different. It certainly grabbed my attention from the off, and the premise for this book, i feel is very good; and with more adventure and fantasy to come, i will read some more later to see if Leon saves the universe.

In the sci-fi genre it gets my six stars and best of Irish luck.

Tom Bye
-
Book- from hugs to kisses'

please read some of mine and oblige, it is full of Irish humour. thanks Tingting-

3rd chapter ' ain't nobody's business more of the same and again interesting reading.
moving on to five- the dialogue is good and brings the story along fine.

p s- I don't do crits. just don't feel qualified ?

You have a great idea here. Leon's lifestyle makes him an unlikely hero. It's strange that he's selected for this job and I'm interested to see how he will handle it.

That said, you need to clean up some style issues to make this ready for publication.

Typo: “His black, fake army boots are LEAVING a trail of dirty footprints on the snow.”

Why are you reading me the entire menu? That isn’t necessary.

Pay attention to the literary stylebook rules on using numbers, such as when to write them out and when to use digits.

I don’t think using Chinese characters for speech is a good idea. Just give the translation and mention that it was said in Chinese. Only use Chinese characters if you are interpreting written words.

Some parts get too heavy on dialog without interruption. Try to show more of the physical movements of the characters as they talk and what is happening around them, as well as their thoughts.

This is a promising start, so I will back it.

Good luck,

Brian Bandell
Mute

I read on another couple of chapters and the story is developing nicely. Love the chinese takeaway / temple idea and the whole story about his parents. There are some great concepts in this story ,I love the ideas around space and time and the black hole (Yin and Yang energy) very original. What I really love about this story is the way in which you mix the chinese and western mythology and bring it into a science fiction format, it is very unique.
A most engaging read
Well done
Rachael

I really enjoyed the opening chapters of this book. Chapter 1 is very well written and draws the reader in with great descriptions and mystery. Chapter 2 I found a little too much information about age, height and attire, some is good but it became a bit much in places. I love the characters and the world that we are introduced to and feel that this story is well timed with current global economic trends. Chapter 3 introduces a new, intriguing character and opens the story right out into something which promises to be magical, mystical, spiritual and exciting. I think you have a great story here with some great elements to it, a very unique idea, which I could easily see as a film. A little editing here and there but I thought some of the language and descriptions were wonderful, especially in chapter 1.
Best of luck with this, many stars for now and a backing as soon as I have space.
Rachael
Dreamscape

l like your tense and descriptive writing style. and the use of the present tense gives your story a 'live' feel. l will back your book and give six stars******
read SEASONS...

Finally made a start on your book tonight. It has a very atmospheric, cinematic opening, though I doubt the Luton tourist board will think so. :) I was trying to think how it could be improved upon, as the opening's the most important bit. You could maybe write from a particular character's point of view, ie someone observing rather than the authorial stance. Just an idea, of course. There's a few textual glitches that can easily be put right ('to' in 'preying to', 'are' in 'are leave' and the plural for 'red tapes'). But I've read two chapters so far and this really looks like it's going somewhere. Starred for now and hope to come back for more at some point.

Mark, The Devil's Fan Club

Hello, Nutcracker. I extend to you my sincere regards for taking on a book in a second language to your own native tongue. The idioms and grammar of the English language is daunting enough for the native speaker, but for a non-English speaker, the barriers must seem overwhelming.

You have a strong concept for a story and a seasoned editor/ghost writer would be able to make it come alive. So I will not dwell on grammar and punctuation.

Try to avoid past tense references and keep the story in the 'now', the present. Eliminating words such as 'was' and 'were' will keep the reader in the current action.

Try to eliminate instances of 'to be' such as 'are', 'is being' and so forth.

One thing I might suggest, purchase a good grammar program such as White Smoke or use Grammarly online. Although not 100% by any means, they will catch the majority of the grammar related issues. It will also help you to learn the nuances of the language - proper written English is complex.

Don't quit and don't get frustrated. All writers - all writers of English in particular - make mistakes. Mistakes even creep into published books, escaping the careful eyes of a host of editors. Not to worry. There are no summary executions for a misplaced comma.

Interesting story and characters. Keep at it. Ray

I guess what you are doing is testing the water to see if you can make it as a writer. My answer would be yes, but there's a way to go yet. What you have here is fine, bar the odd glitch that an editor could deal with. However it seems a shame that you are going down the science fiction/fantasy route when as a Chinese person with a great command of English you are in a unique position to offer us something contemporary and truthful. I'm not suggesting non-fiction, just something more grounded in reality. There's a lot of Indian stuff about, but I'm not aware of a lot of Chinese.You could corner the market...

I think you have a good story, and when describing a scene you do very well.

There is some vocab and grammar to sort out, which I noticed especially in chapter two, but you have great characters, a good plot, a vivid imagination - many of the ingredients needed for a great story.

We all have to edit. Sometimes I think we should be warned that writing is ten percent inspiration and 90 per cent perspiration. But take your time, and i see no reason why this should not do well.

All the best,

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped"

cool story. great read

I think it was very brave of you to write a story in another language that isn't your native tongue. The imagination is there and with a little help with the grammar I think you'll do well with The World of Enchanted.
I've given you 6 stars - for your hard effort. :)
Good Luck

Christina
Take a Sick Break

Zhao,

I have some more suggestions...
Your sentence "A stray is dog..." has two words the wrong way round, a simple mistake when you are constantly changing things, and should probably read "A stray dog is barking at him and following...."
Your sentence "...edges of snow flakes are cutting his face..." I don't think you need "are", try it as "...edges of snow flakes cutting his face..."
Your paragraph describing the car may read better as "...all the doors are shut but the steam on the windows indicate there are people inside."
I don't think you need to keep referring to "him" and "his" since we know you are referring to the man, and the smell of sick feels too much like an after thought. It might be better as "Suddenly, he falls on the pavement, shot in the head, blood dripping into the stinking gutter like the leftovers....of a restaurant."

Regards
Warrick

Nutcracker,

I read the first two chapters of your story. You should expect many comments on grammatical and other mistakes. Maybe if someone could help you correct it, it would give a better chance to the reader struggling to read through.

I do understand your anxiety over language matters, and I admire and applaude your courage to upload it on authonomy to get useful feedback. One of your concerns should be to find people that could -via email perhaps- help you correct it. If you think you are interested in such help, you can send me your opening chapter in the address on my profile page.

That said, I think you have a very interesting story to say -otherwise I wouldn't be offering to help you- and your short scenes, jumping from one incident to the other (in your 1st chapter) added to the thrill of your descriptions.

The second chapter is full of vivid images, smells and colors. I was put off, initially, by your choice to inform the reader of the full menu of the event, but I did get your point in the end. Again, very distinctive voice, which -to my understanding- after the correct use of language is the utmost tool of an author.

If one leaves aside the errors, this is an engaging beginning, and you get 5 stars from me, only to encourage you to hone your language skills and work on your manuscript further.

Yannis
The Book of the Forsaken

SF42

Hi Nutcracker

I've read two chapters. Obviously because you aren't a native speaker, writing a novel in English is going to be hard. But I think if you just do the best you can and then give it to an editor to fix up, all will be fine. My notes:

First off, you don't have the book tagged sci fi; you probably should, since it's sci fi.

'Everything in this town stinks(:)' - then from here use semi-colons instead of commas.

Paragraph 2 is in a different tense to paragraph 3. Present (walks, leaving) then past (flickered, was).

Who else would his shadow follow? And how many shadows does he have to necessitate plural?

Why 'pieces of snowflakes'? Why not whole snowflakes?

'A black car (parked)...'

By 'side way' do you mean pavement?

Garbage is really more of an American term.

'it was really insignificant at all' - doesn't make sense; remove the 'at all'

'(a) European style mansion...'

The menu is entirely unnecessary.

'gone way (past) that stage and nothing seem(s) to interest him...'

'Since Mr Wan (fell)...'

I won't comment any further, as most of the issues are with things like grammar and punctuation. Not being a native speaker then you have little chance of perfecting the novel on your own, and as I said, I'd recommend having an editor go over it once you've done as much as you can with it. I don't think in its current form, an agent would take it up, simply because it would be too much work for them to sort out all the punctuation, etc.

Otherwise, the story sounds promising, and for a non-native speaker, it is pretty well written really. Good luck with it :)

Opening line – there is a typo here. It should read “…is one of the worst places…”. There are also issues of punctuation, grammar, tense and syntax, but I guess that’s going to happen until you are able to come to terms with writing colloquial and literary English. I’m not going to comment on every typo, but I will highlight any really glaring ones. Otherwise I shall try to focus on plot and character.

Typos: “zips up” not “zipping up”; “It all happened so fast, within a second. It really wasn’t significant at all.”; “Asia” not “Aisa”; “the entire Asian, African and American continents, extending to Europe.” In chapter three “dusts to dusts” should read “dust to dust”.

Mr Wan serves an impressive spread, but I don’t think you need to list the entire menu. It distracts the reader from the story.

There is some imaginative writing here and some striking use of imagery, but it is let down by the use of English, which will be very distracting for any reader. Despite my best intentions of following character and plot, I kept getting side-tracked by the writing’s idiosyncrasies.

The work would benefit from tightening up, removing unnecessary text (like the dinner menu) and from a tight focus on the use of English, specifically punctuation, tense and grammar. Once those have been improved you will have space within the text to look at syntax and idiom.

Good luck with this.

J.S.Watts
Witchlight

Nutcracker,

I am very confused by your writing. I think you have some good ideas, and can clearly tell a story.
However, at this stage your story telling is held back by your use of English. You clearly know what you want to say, but it does not come across as best it might.

I would definitely not list the whole of the nine course menu, sufficient to say there were nine courses with however many different bottles of wine. You can go on to say that it was from the best farms and the best cuts, and the reader will know that these are sumptuous surroundings.

You need to improve your use of punctuation. If I might demonstrate with one of your sentences: "When a pretty chinese waitress with red hair named Sandy dressed in lemon yellow coloured traditional chinese dress passing him by with the serving tray,..." without punctuation it is not clear if her hair is named Sandy or she is named Sandy., so it should be "When a pretty chinese waitress with red hair, named Sandy, dressed in..." Also changing the sentence around would also help, so:
"When Sandy, a pretty chinese waitress with red hair, passed by..."
Also, the description of the dress is too wordy. If it is lemon yellow, you do not need to use the word "coloured".

Thus, your full sentence could be:
"When Sandy, a pretty Chinese waitress with red hair, wearing a lemon yellow traditional Chinese dress and carrying a serving tray, passed him by,..."

Obviously, writing in a second language is never going to be easy, but with good editing, and cutting out some of the unnecessary words, you will have a much better story.

Regards
Warrick

Nutcracker,

Morning, I just finished reading through chapter three of your book. The story in itself is very good. You start the reader out in a dumpy, forsaken part of London where a man is mysteriously murdered. Next we see just the opposite - an exclusive, posh birthday party. You move the story along quickly (which is really good) , showing that the rich and powerful, Leon is the chosen one to be the savior of the fallen world. Following this story line, I have no doubt that the rest of your story is well thought out and plotted.

You have some beautiful lines and have used some carefully chosen words. I really liked this sentence, “His own shadow was following him, like jet black blood bleeding into the dark night.” It’s very good.

You have done the fun part of writing - getting the story out of your head and set to print. Now comes the hard part - refining and polishing - making your writing a work of art. First apply the rules of grammar, spelling, and sentence structure to your writing. Read your work out loud and change it until it sounds natural, as if someone is talking or telling the story. I see that perhaps English is a second language to you. Maybe have an English, American, or Chinese friend (depending on whose viewpoint you happen to be writing in at the time) help you with making your words flow naturally.

Just take one paragraph at a time and before you know it, a whole chapter will be publisher ready and then before long your whole book will be ready!

Sincerely,

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

I sincerely thank everyone who cared enough to comment here and being truthful to my writing!

Sometimes I get very excited on recording my idea I lost track with the tenses. I am aware of it and I think I do need a bit of help with grammar and wording to make everything look consistent and readable if I were to publish anything. The most difficult part for me is I don't notice these mistakes myself that's why I put it here so I can improve.

Thank you everyone! :D

I have to stress what Caraid and Stella have already stated, the tense changes make it quite difficult to read and the wrong word choice can be really confusing. The example that sticks out the most is using zip instead of sip I had to reread that but once I understood what you were trying to say, I liked it.

The references to Lady Gaga - In a year she may not be popular and the reference could seem out-dated. Just a warning - don't remove it unless you want to... Actually as it is set in 2020 you could say something like 'reminded Leon of the singer that was popular 10 years ago, what was her name - yes Lady Gogo no Gaga dressed as Jesus' or something like that.

And don't let my (hopefully friendly) disagreement with Stella put you off.

Ok. I came because you mentioned English not being your first language. This is going to be hard for you. Here are some observations on your second paragraph -

You have mixed tenses. You switch from past tense to present tense all the time, eg:
'walks (present) on the sidewalk' (in England that should be pavement not sidewalk) then you say he 'shivered' - (past tense) then 'in his left hand there's a (present tense)..' then 'the street lamp flickered' (past tense)

You can switch tense of course, from one chapter/paragraph to another, but not in the same sentence or sequence of events. You can't have done something and be doing it at the same time.

Couple of words/spellings - It's 'pavement' not 'sideway'
'Bomber jacket' not bomber's jacket.
It must be either 'left A trail' (singular 0 or 'left trailS' (plural) not 'left a (s) trails (p)
ketchup

I hope this doesn't sound offensive - you did mentiont the language thing on the forum and that you invited comments. You may have a good story here, but the language thing is going to make it tricky for you.
Cariad.

I've just read a little bit of the opening. I'm unsure for which market you wrote it: the English or the American as you merrily mix the terms and dialogue attributes. Side walk is American, coloured is English spelling, then you have garbage again, which is American. You need to be consistent.

Also, in chapter 2 you have 'Happy birthday Leon!' The quotes are BE. AE uses double quotes. And you should use a comma after birthday. It should read: "Happy birthday, Leon!"

Best of luck with your book and don't let people discourage you to write in English, as far as I can tell, the story is readable -- it needs work, but one can understand what is happening and that's the main thing. Fix the story first, then concentrate on working with someone to help you with grammar and wording. :-)