The Albion Pages

This book is full of surprises, it has a quick pace and great descriptions.
I love the start of the story and was so mesmerised by its plot. I had to continue reading.
You finish each chapter with a tempting hook, that begs you to read more.
You have fleshed out some interesting characters, and they are very 3 dimensional.
This book is enchanting, spellbinding and hypnotic. Well done.

Spectacular! From the first scenes with Riaghan, Bram and Thissy to Chapter 4's re- introduction of Thistledown (Thissy?) you keep the reader entertained and delighted. I cannot say how it goes beyond that because it's 5:15 AM and I need some sleep tonight. This is a book I will continue reading until I finish all of what you've posted. There was not one instance where I was bored or felt that the flow stopped. In four chapters, I only noticed one missing apostrophe. One! And with an enchanting story to boot! If this is how well you write when you are 21, I can't begin to imagine how you will write when you are 42 or 63, because what you have here is utterly masterful. Six stars and backed!

A YARG review:

Good gracious! This is enchanting, spellbinding, well-told and has an effortless style and wonderful characters.
I only read the first two chapters (prologue and 1), but I was blown away.

The idea of the Queen of the Seelie Court, has always appealed to me and this seems to take a new spin on the faerie kingdom. 'Seelie' and 'Unseelie' are used and one is urged to read on to find out about the family chased down ion the woods and to learn of the connection between humans and faeries in you world and how the father was able to use magic.

Thomas' cuteness and adventurous spirit is well portrayed and by looking ahead at ch. 2, it seems his adventurous personality is followed through.

I wondered what the faerie whispered in his ear and how the family is connected to his story.

Well done on a well-polished gem. This will do very well on here for sure!
Highly starred and will back next month until it reaches the desk.

Michelle
The Gypsy's Daughter

Wow. Read all the way to chapter fifteen in one go, will probably read the rest another time. Brilliant story, great pace (a little fast for me, but then it's meant for younger readers) great descriptions and fantastic imagination. seven out of six stars... or there would be if I could find a way to give them ;) Apart from one misplaced apostrophe in chapter eight, ("One of the naga's has escaped) I don't think I can find a single thing to complain about, except maybe that... well... I'm rooting for Erlik. And I have a strange feeling he's not going to win... :(

But I can see from some of your posts on the forums that maybe, just maybe... you're rooting for Erlik too x).

Because I can't seem to think of anything that will help your story from a writer's perspective, I will instead ask this: Have you ever read any middle English texts involving fairies or elves and such? The romance 'Sir Orfeo' comes to mind particularly when I read this, and also 'Sir Degare' and 'Sir Launfal', all available on the TEAMS website alongside many other ripping good yarns. I just finished my degree in medieval studies, and medieval romances comprised a large part of my final year--the language is a little difficult if you've never read Middle English, but you get used to it soon enough. I also came across a great article explaining the myth behind the origin of the name 'Albion', though I'm not sure if I could find it now, and if you already know all this stuff then I apologise for acting like a n00b, it's just the sort of thing that interests me as a medievalist. Speaking of, out of curiosity, when and where abouts is the story set--the place where Thomas and Gwen come from, I mean?

I hope you enjoy my own story, thank you for inviting me to read yours, I like to keep books on my shelf for at least a few weeks, and some of them I'm keeping there longer, but when a space opens up, you're in!

Rachel

R K Summers was kind grace me with the privilege of pretending that I was an editor as I went over her book.

There were a number of things that I liked about the story and how the author went about telling it. In many places there were just enough details to leave me feeling as though I were there, riding with them.

About half-way through reading I came to the decision that I needed to set up a book shelf in my room and reserve it for Authonomy authors who I have lent a hand to. When this book comes out in print, I know where I'll put it.

Due to the nature of what I did, I can't really distil all the notes in the MS down to a simple comment to leave here but I will say this: I enjoyed the read. I greatly enjoyed the read.

Near the end of the book, we learn that words have power. Three simple words, part of no incantation, can destroy.

Darth Vader took six.

R K Summers took three.

Wow. I knew from your pitch that I would like this book and the first couple of chapters didn't disappoint my curiosity. This is exactly the sort of book that I would pick up in the bookstore and your cover is lovely.
I love it when authors write about the fae and write about them in a way that is not disneyesque.
You have a very developed voice and a great command of language. Your pacing is just right and you create tension from the very first sentence. I love the opening of Ch 2 btw.
I'm adding this book to my watch list and will come back and read more soon.
Frith,
Kayla Shaw
PHILOSOPHIA

Hi, I've read through the first chapter. I think you have an exciting start to your story, and think that with this you will go far. Fifty-one chapters! Your book is only 10,000 words longer than mine, but it has twice the number of chapters. Shorter chapters are better, though.

There are some things you might do to improve your writing. Over-use of adverbs is my main criticism. Just read through and see how many words ending "ly" crop up - it's a lot. The word "tight" (in various forms) appears a lot too. But these are minor complaints. I've made a list of suggestions, which isn't comprehensive, but I hope you'll find them useful.

Hope you'll find the time to take a look at my offering, "Tamria." Also a fantasy, more for children.

James

******

"like a knife to Riaghan's heart" - metaphors are more powerful than similes. "Thissy's scream was a knife to Riaghan's heart."

"he spun round" - "spun around' sounds better. How about "spun on his heel" ?

"The boughs squeezed the rider tightly" - I notice you had the word "tightly" a few lines before. Try to avoid word repetition. Just "The boughs squeezed the rider until he went limp, then dropped him to the ground"

"exhausted from both carrying his daughter and the use of magic" - for that sentence to flow "the use of" should be replaced by a verb, so it fits with "carrying." "exhausted from both carrying his daughter and using magic." But that doesn't sound better. So maybe the verb "carrying" should be changed to a noun, to fit with "the use of." "exhausted from the weight of his daughter and the use of magic." Is that better?

"clutching Thissy tighter" - again, it's the word "tight". A different word, I think. Like "harder"

"Thissy broke away from him reluctantly... Bram laid her hands gently on the wound... she whispered anxiously..." - you have adverbs pop up in three consecutive sentences. Avoid using too many adverbs! If you were to cut all those adverbs out, I think you might find the sentences were a lot stronger. "'Papa!' Thissy broke away from him as Bran kneeled beside him. Riaghan trembled with the pain, but Bram laid her hands on the wound. 'Keep still, my love,' she whispered, her face pinched, anxious." - There, is that an improvement?
"her eyes drinking in his face" - I like this phrase!

"rushed forwards" - should be "rushed forward"

"He held her tightly" - again, the word "tight"! That makes four occurrences of this word so far.

"he said painfully" - another adverb. Nothing wrong with using these occasionally, but you use them quite often. "'G-go with Mama, Thissy,' he said, his voice wracked with pain, clutching his left arm."

"He wanted to pull the arrow from his shoulder, but he found he couldn't move his arm" - also, try to avoid repetition of personal pronouns in sentences where they're not absolutely needed. You have three "he"s in this sentence - one of them can go. "He wanted to pull the arrow from his shoulder, but found he couldn't move his arm." - Is that better? "... but his arm was stiff, cold from loss of blood-flow, and he knew pulling the arrow out would cause even more damage." There's a possible alternative phrasing.

"The other huntsmen laughed loudly. Riaghan looked up slowly and threw a cold glare at the finely dressed man, but kept his tongue still" - more adverbs! "The other huntsmen laughed. Riaghan looked up, and threw a cold glare at the finely dressed man, but kept his tongue." You don't need "kept his tongue still" - "kept his tongue" is more effective. Or else "held his tongue."

"'Find her!' he said angrily" -

"Hidden in the foliage" - "Hiding in the foliage," to make this passage active. "Hidden" is passive.

"The land of Albion" - great name for a fantasy world, but do you know there's a video game series called Fable set in a world called Albion? Never mind, it's a good name. I have a similar problem - the world in my story is called "Tamria" (inspired by "Narnia"), and it was only after writing it, when I played one of the Elder Scrolls games, that I discovered that it was set in a world called "Tamriel." Hope nobody notices. :-)

"This was the beginning of a war." - that's a good sentence to end a chapter, but I think losing one word - "This was the beginning of war" - makes it so much better

ALBION PAGES
My grandmother believed in fairies so the pitch for your book pulled me in. You’ve created a wonderful fantasy world for your characters to live in. That and your writing style are the mark of the book. You know to give just enough description a reader can picture what things in this different than usual world look like; not so much your lose track of your story. Makes this a good read. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Had a short amount of time and read your prologue, I actually cried... silly as it is to admit it, somehow you got me, I was right there. I didn't even fully understand what was happening, why they were being chased, but I was fearing for their lives.

Very much enjoyed and I will be back for more!

Hello :) I have read the first few chapters of your book and love it so far.

The beginning is excellent, I also like the presence of the child with her mother – the little girl’s innocence and youth makes the attack all the more terrible – I love contrasts! You manage to hook the reader, especially with that last line of the prologue. I’m a fan of short sentences, filled with ominous tidings…

I really like the transition that follows into the first chapter, where to my delight I find another young character – making contrast yet again. Not sure if that was deliberate, but I think it’s very powerful to have portrayals of youths alongside portrayals of harsh realities (war/murder/gruesome images etc).

You have a nice way with words; this is a polished piece and I look forward to reading more. 6 stars, and definitely on my watch list.

I hope you will be able to take a look at my novel, the first in a fantasy series of nine – The Awakening: Dawn of Destruction

All the best
Cara

This is just the sort of book I love sitting down with and will definitely purchase when it goes to print.
The characters, story and writing style are brilliant.
I haven't finished reading yet... I'm going to run out of tea and biscuits... I'll certainly be coming back for more.

Jo Thwaites
Twilight of the Anunnaki

I've just read the first few chapters so far, but I like what I've read! Your writing is quite a bit more formal in tone than what I usually read (not a bad thing) which took me a bit to get used to. I really like how you end each chapter with a hook to pull the reader forward. That's something I haven't been able to perfect in my own writing.

I enjoy the pictures you paint with your words. I've put you on my bookshelf--good luck!
~AJ

Fantasy and magic books are a great favourite of mine, and this is a very good one, compulsive reading in this case well deserved. Sadly had to break away at chapter 11, made promises to read three other authors books in the next day, promises I always keep. This book will make it I am sure to the front, thank you for a great read.

Portraits Of A Small Peasant.

Hi again - just discovered how to rate books, have given you 4 stars :-) Good luck with rising even higher!

Oh, one last thing - I plan to rate the book as well as keep it on my shelf, but can't seem to make it work - grrr, will do so later :-)

Hi Kate - I’ve read through to the end of Chapter 6 in one go and have to stop for today, but would love to read more if you find my comments helpful.

First of all, well done on what you’ve accomplished – a great story with a fast-paced plot.

You’ve had some great feedback already from other authonomites – from NMott, Joshua Jacobs, RossClark and AudreyB – who have given you some excellent advice on honing your talents (you are very talented).

I think for me, I was also surprised to find that Thomas was 21. Given your style of prose, which is clearly aimed at YA/teenagers, perhaps a younger Thomas (mid-teens) might appeal to a younger fantasy audience.

BTW, I am a total novice on authonomy and only recently started writing fiction. But as a journal editor, I’m used to going through text in Word docs and providing much more detailed comments – so if you’d like to email me any chapters you particularly feel you would like a fresh pair of eyes on (I realise I’m guilty of only reading up to Chapter 6 so far) please message me and I’ll give you my email address.

OK, so here comes some (I hope) constructive critique. I sometimes feel you have a tendency to overstate things (I do EXACTLY the same, trust me).

For example, in Chapter 2, ‘Thomas could hear his heart hammering painfully beneath his ribs.’

This suggests that Thomas is terribly afraid – would he usually feel like this when hunting? If it’s an unexpected and unusual sensation, maybe qualify that – e.g. ‘Thomas felt a sudden, unexpected apprehension and his heart began to hammer.’ (I’d take out painfully beneath his ribs – hammering is descriptive enough).

Likewise, there are some other instances when you could consider condensing the text. When Jonelle gives Thomas his father’s cloak, she does so ‘… sounding like she had a bad cold.’ I think it would be more effective if you lose that line – we already know she has been crying. Consider just:

‘This belonged to your father,’ Jonelle said softly. ‘It’ll keep you warm.’ Motherly tenderness happily conveyed.

Some v. minor points to consider also:

When Thomas returns to Gwen, he has the rabbits – but she asks him why he has no bounty?

Mr Kellogg – I would consider changing this. Instantly jerked me out of the story, to imagine him butchering corn flakes…

‘..felt fear for the faerie woman’s life.’ I think if Thomas has made an assumption that she is a faery, then get him to think it first (in his world, would he recognise a faery at first sight?). A slight niggle, but I thought Thomas had already seen a faery that was 2 inches high, and not the size of a real woman?

Chapter 4 – ‘the doctor’s’ – I would suggest changing to ‘physician’ – minor point! Just seems to fit better with the world setting you have.

Jonelle’s rosary – are the family Catholic? You then go on to describe Mad Izzy, and the role of religion in the story becomes clearer. Perhaps you could have Thomas walk past e.g. a small altar and his mother's rosary in the house earlier in the book – and mention it just in passing. It would give the reader a sense that the mother, at least, is deeply religious. I felt the appearance of the rosary and sudden mention of his mother’s faith was a little abrupt.

‘Then with, one pitifully protesting whinny, the horse set off one last time.’ I’m not sure what this is trying to convey – why is the horse protesting? And why one last time? I suggest maybe changing this to e.g. ‘Protesting at the extra weight, the horse gave a whinny as they set off.’

Just a personal thing, but I’m not a fan of exclamation marks in dialogue – I prefer the words themselves to convey the urgency, rather than the punctuation. ‘We haven’t much time,’ is quite ominous as it is!!!!! (visual pun intended :-)

The issue about the sword and the poker. Swords are made from steel, which is iron – so perhaps Izzy can say that iron in its most natural state is more effective than steel?

I think it would only be natural for Isabella to nod at Thomas once more as he leaves – perhaps he can instead wonder whether he sees in her expression e.g. apprehension?

Chapter 5 (in which Thomas gains a new ally)

‘The sky had darkened some time ago, whether because of weather or the density of the forest, Thomas couldn’t tell.’ Something doesn’t quite sit right here for me. If it’s misty, then Thomas wouldn’t be able to tell – he can’t see the sky. Perhaps you could consider revising to:

‘The sky had darkened some time ago, but whether it was due to the pervasive fog or the density of the forest, Thomas couldn’t tell.’

‘… deliciously tantalising…’ could the meat not just smell tantalising? It conveys the same sensation.

I love the description ‘…as though Thomas had just blown out a candle’ – really conveys a sense of dramatic tension.

The scene with the drunken elves is fantastic. Reminds me of some rather feisty morris dancers I met in Malvern many years ago – a completely atypical, bawdy bunch of drunken miscreants, and no white hankies in sight.

Cheers, and well done! Hol
‘The Mad Faun’ by Holly Jones (AKA Holly Ashley)
http://www.authonomy.com/books/41906/the-mad-faun/

Great plot with a nice description. Love to read it. On my watch list now and highly starred.

This is a joyous tale perfect for the targeted audience. I appreciated the diverse sentence structure, simple clean descriptions, and fast pace. The story itself was fascinating and surprising, the characters diverse and well thought out. The only thing that bothered me as an adult reader was the overuse of adverbs in the dialogue tags. I suppose if JK Rowling can get away with it, what right do I have to scoff.

I have a feeling this will only get better (I only read four chapters) as I go along.

I started in the middle: chapter 31-33 (your chapter 30-32). I never read the pitch to stories because if I am not interested, I won't give it the attention it deserves. At first I was a bit skeptical, but then I found I was so deeply into it, waiting to see what would happen next, that I realized I hadn't put my kids to bed 30 minutes passed their bedtime lol

I think you are good at description. This is very well written and I found myself anxious to see, or read, the war. Queen Mab is brave, not nervous or scared for a second.

-Aliah
Her Demise

Kate, this is a beautiful legend, woven with Celtic myth and magic. The description of the faerie fluttering is as wonderful and captivating (and real!) as anything I've read.

The tale is exciting for me and must be even more so for children. I love and and have been pleased to back it. So well done!

Brilliant start. Exciting from the off and grabs you straight away. I am looking forward to reading more!!

Hi, I spotted your thread on the forums and came to take a look.

It's an interesting pitch, and a good opening chapter, but reading on I'm getting mixed messages about what sort of book this is.

Firstly it's tagged as YA which is the genre sitting between Childrens 9-12/Middle Grade age band, and 17+ Adult fiction, so, as far as agents & publishers are concerned the target readership is 13-16yr olds. This means picking a main protagonist who the teen reader can empathise with, and normally that would be someone within their own age group, ie, 15-16yrs old. Your protagonist, however, is 21, which would move it into Adult Fiction.

Secondly, the 'voice' and content (faeries, goblins, elves - especially fairies named Thistledown) is more suited to Childrens Fiction (9-12 age band). There are Fantasy writers like Susanna Clarke (The Ladies of Grace Adieu; Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell) who've pushed this genre into Adult Fiction, by making faeries far darker, but that's not the impression I'm getting from the prose and pitch of your novel. I loved the opening chapter where Thomas is a little boy, and was hoping it would continue in this vein, so I was disappointed to turn the page and discover he'd grown into a 21 yr old which would be more suited to the Romance genre. I think Childrens Fantasy fiction may be where your talents lie.

Lastly, the novel is listed as complete at almost 120K. That is pushing the size limits for Adult Fantasy Fiction for debut novels - authors like JK Rowling, who've had a few bestselling novels under their belt, are allowed to publish large tomes, but agents will expect unpublished writers to keep their mss around 100K when submitting, but that's for adult fiction. For YA it's almost half that, ie, 40-60K words. And for Childrens Fiction it's less again - around 40K.

So you need to decide who is your target readership - pre-teen, teen or adult - and what is the main plot thread and reduce the word count accordingly. The pitch implies there are two main plot threads - the kidnap of Thomas' sister and the quest to set free the fairy Queen. Pick one.
If you are planning a series then each novel - especially the first - should work as a 'stand alone', with a satisfactory ending. I suggest rescuing Gwen should be Thomas's main priority in book one, and rescuing the Queen saved for Book two.
Only pitch one book at a time to agents & publishers. The decision whether or not to publish a series rests with the publisher, and they will base it on sales figures for book one.

Your writing shows a lot of talent. All the best with it,

Naomi

Hi, there – this is yourYARG review from AudreyB. I am often accompanied on my reviews by my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag. If I say anything you don’t like, it was probably her idea. And I’m so jealous that you have a review from Ross that I might let her do all the talking. You also have a nicer shelf to comment ratio than I do. Jealous, jealous, jealous.

In general I fail to ‘get’ fantasy books. I can review with competence, but I won’t know how original or fresh your ideas are, and I’ll have no idea how this work compares to others in the genre. On the other hand, I loved “Stardust” and liked those Potter books.

Your pitches are excellent. I’ve been reading the archives at QueryShark and you have followed the model to a T. I would definitely read this book. If I read such things.

I’m happy after reading your first paragraph. Lots of nice action verbs, good nouns. I feel a writerly kinship. Well. I’ve read the whole first chapter without a stop. I think there was a wee bit of deadwood that could be cut. At one point our hero doesn’t raise his head because he knows who is there. Too many words at that spot. “The shout from behind them was a voice…” Just say “The shout from behind them drove…” I think it would be worthwhile to go through the whole thing asking, “Can I remove any words here?”

I’m a fan of having a bit of mystery at the end of the prologue, to keep the reader engaged, and you have offered me exactly the right amount.

Alright should be all right. I know there are books that say it’s OK in informal usage. This isn’t informal usage.

You have the gift of storytelling. Your characters jump off the page, and the story itself kept me spellbound as I read, wondering what might happen next. Your images allowed me to ‘watch’ the Albion Pages unfold in my mind’s eye as a colorful, vivid movie.

I do think you’re letting in more verbs of being after the prologue and Chapter 1. In many cases, you could offer a more succinct image by deleting the is/are/was/were/be/being/been verb and inserting something stronger. This is an action story, after all.

Your book is very good. It’s imaginative. It’s risen rapidly in the ranks. Ross gave you a review. I think you are in pretty good shape.

All the best,
~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

- The Albion Pages -

(chapters one to three)

First up, sorry it’s taken a while longer than I anticipated to make a comment. Had a few things come up on my plate.

As I mentioned to you before, I very much enjoyed your writing and the story itself. What I think I appreciated most was that you were able to conjure up a poetic feel and imagery without going into purple prose. The writing itself is relatively simple but the whole thing has an inherent feel of….beauty to it (I was trying to find a better, more descriptive word there but my vocab fails me at this late hour).

I was particularly impressed by the opening. We have this idyllic feel and setting which is quickly ripped apart. The pace and tension are great throughout here.

In terms of structure, the only thing I wondered about is that we begin with a prologue and then the short chapter one also feels like something of a prologue too. I wondered whether you could in some way integrate that, perhaps in one of the dream sequences for example, into what is now chapter two, rather than having it as a stand alone chapter. As I say, it felt a little like there were two prologues to me so I had a slight feeling of delay in getting into the story proper. I should mention though that I’m a complete novice as a writer so there’s every chance I could be talking complete nonsense so feel free to ignore this and any other claptrap I may spout in the course of this here comment.




Some nitpicks….


Prologue

-‘stared at her husband for a long time’. You could cut the ‘for a long time’ since the verb ‘stared’ already convey that, particularly in the situation, where time is of the essence. It also isn’t really technically a long time, rather it just seems like it because of the context. Presumably at least….

-I had the feeling there could be a slightly less unwieldy way of referring to the bad guy than ‘the finely dressed man’ etc. It would be possible to avoid tagging him altogether, if the context is made clear enough.


Chapter one

-Bear with me here. I have a note but I wrote it some time ago and I can no longer remember what I meant with it. I’ll include it in any case, just in case it’s of some use/interest. What I have written down quotes your line ‘He recalled how he had stumbled’ then notes below this ‘Could cut – superfluous as goes on to do next.’ Hope that makes some semblance of sense to you….


Chapter two

-‘the most beautiful woman he had ever seen’ could run the risk of sounding a bit clichéd.

-I have a personal pet hate of the verb ‘seem’ as it weakens verbs and I’m always trying to cut it out of my own writing. Here you have two occasions (‘She seemed to look straight at Thomas’, ‘that seemed to suffocate her’) where I think the image for the reader would be much more powerful if you were to omit it (‘She looked straight at Thomas’, ‘that suffocated her’).

-I don’t think there’s a need to distinguish ‘the beautiful woman’/’the elfin woman’ with those tags as, from what I read, it was clear which character was referred to anyway and we already had a sense of her appearance.

-Perhaps a bit of a structural issue with there being two dreams in one chapter?

Chapter three
-Didn’t feel the need to make any notes here.

As I say, I am no expert so I make no claims to being right in anything I’ve said. In any case, I enjoyed the writing even though I’m not customarily a reader of the genre and that tells me there’s merit and quality here.

Best of luck with it,

Ross


P.S. In case you’re interested, here is an article that discusses the connection between the Lermonts of Scotland and the Lermontovs of Russia, and in doing so the connection between Thomas the Rhymer and Mikhail Lermontov:

http://www.scotsman.com/news/scottish-news/edinburgh-east-fife/scot_to_bring_dna_from_russia_with_lermontov_1_1426206

Convincing cast, well told and paced, and enthralling. I can't wait till I have more time to keep reading it! 6 stars.

The prologue is effective in gripping the reader’s attention immediately. I was instantly drawn into the action of the story. The touching moment w/ the father works well in making the reader feel early. In many ways this is a well-done prologue.

As I read I had a few suggestions that might make this even stronger.

Careful with repetition. I felt “child in terror” and “drove terror deep” were too close together to work.

At times, this reads just a tad overwritten. It almost seemed like you were trying to force the reader to feel how you want them to feel. I felt like your writing was strong enough without some of the added words (adjectives, adverbs, etc). In your next read through, maybe consider tightening this? Less is oftentimes more.

As I mentioned, the scene with the father works, but I wonder if you could make it even stronger? As is, we don’t know your characters well enough to really care what happens to them. I wonder if there is a way you could create a connection between your characters and your reader sooner so this scene is even more effective?

My comments for chapter one are few. To put it simply: It’s phenomenal. The writing is tighter, and it reads much smoother. To me, this is where your story should have started. It’s simple, to-the-point and masterfully written. If I had picked this up at the bookstore, this one I would continue reading. I’m not 100% sure I can say the same for the prologue. Have you considered cutting the prologue and starting with this first chapter?

All-in-all, this is a great novel so far. You are a talented writer and have a way with words. I’m very impressed, and I’m positive you’ll continue to perfect this and make it even stronger.

Read through chapter 4 of this enchanting story. Your ability to write faerie thought and anger and angst is wonderful! Your faerie in these beginning chapters reminds me of Tinker Bell, all emotions, and her aura is like a mood ring! I love the characters of Izzy and Jonelle.
The prologue is exciting and page turning. You might want to change a few things. I don't think the forest would be quiet and still if seconds later there were horses galloping to kill the family. I don't think Bram would look at her husband for a long time. A long time would have given her time to cure him, wouldn't it? Maybe you should write, "a full minute" or something along those lines.
Of course the last line in chapter 4 makes me want to go on to chapter 5. Expertly done! I have to admire writers who make up whole worlds filled with made-up creatures! (Only your made-up creatures are very real).
A touch of Disney with a bit of Tolkien thrown in, and lots of R K Summers to make it all original.
I am glad I took the time to re-visit your excellent story!
Blessings! Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

Greetings,

I have started reading this, and I am up to chapter 4. This is an interesting read, and I will be backing this book. There are a few things that bothered me about it, but the story was interesting enough that I ignored the things that I didn't necessarily like.

The biggest of the issues I had was there seemed to be a few places where you did some head-hopping or I just didn't feel as close to Thomas as I could. This was especially noted when you have groups of people in a room. (I have problems with this too.)

Over all, though, this is a really, really good start and I think if you manage to get the POV a bit tighter to Thomas, this will really be a stellar read. It is already good enough for a book store imho, but I think that with more immediate and a little more active writing, this will really stand out as a great read. (I did notice there were sections that just felt more passive than others,)

Good luck. If you wouldn't mind giving Ascension a read when you can, it would be appreciated.

Some good potential here with some linguistic polishing, I think.

The first chapter was okay but it didn't grab me. it's main drawbacks are linguistic. You over use adjectives/adverbs there. One paragraph had 4 -ly's. Sometimes instead of modifying a verb or a noun, lconsider letting it stand on its own. Sometimes simplicity and crispness are more powerful than extra words. Although this is admittedly not always the case.

Also, the characters could use a tiny bit more fleshing out. You don't have much space to do that here, so I assume you will in later chapters, but Erlik, felt very one-dimensional to me. He was all intimidation and no style. But perhaps that's his character. Regardless there could be more subtle ways to explore this. I recommend exploring with us through small actions, expressions, subtler dialogue how this might be accomplished.

The second chapter, I felt, was much better than the first. I was more able to relax into it and it did a good job of building a sense of wonder with the boy and the faerie. In a short amount of words you built curiosity and expectation. This is good.

All in all you've got something decent and readable on your hands, but it could be even more so with a little editorial work.

Keep it up. It's worth it.

Some good potential here with some linguistic polishing, I think.

The first chapter was okay but it didn't grab me. it's main drawbacks are linguistic. You over use adjectives/adverbs there. One paragraph had 4 -ly's. Sometimes instead of modifying a verb or a noun, lconsider letting it stand on its own. Sometimes simplicity and crispness are more powerful than extra words. Although this is admittedly not always the case.

Also, the characters could use a tiny bit more fleshing out. You don't have much space to do that here, so I assume you will in later chapters, but Erlik, felt very one-dimensional to me. He was all intimidation and no style. But perhaps that's his character. Regardless there could be more subtle ways to explore this. I recommend exploring with us through small actions, expressions, subtler dialogue how this might be accomplished.

The second chapter, I felt, was much better than the first. I was more able to relax into it and it did a good job of building a sense of wonder with the boy and the faerie. In a short amount of words you built curiosity and expectation. This is good.

All in all you've got something decent and readable on your hands, but it could be even more so with a little editorial work.

Keep it up. It's worth it.

Dear R K

I have read the first seven chapters - eight uploaded - of "The Albion Pages". I am pleased with this warm, vibrant tale and spellbound. Your writing is confident, assured, beautiful, careful, magical and altogether wonderful. I usually pass by YA fantasy fiction. Why YA? This masterful tale warms me, and I am not a YA, though I thank you for the implied compliment.

I am reading more of this as soon as I can. This is a book to read by the fire on a cold day. Six stars! :-)

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-))

YARG! It's a pirates review.

I've always loved a good Faerie tale and this is more than a good one, it's a great one. Well done to you. I got so into this story, that I read all the way through to chapter 14 before I had to pull myself away.

You have a great way of describing things that makes me feel like I'm watching this story unfold inside my head.

... can't wait to see what happens next... I'll be back later for more.

Karen

I have to stop beginning comments by saying that fantasy is not my genre. It is true but it feels like a total cop out and I must learn to open my mind. I have to say I prefer contemporary stuff but I was quickly drawn in by your opening chapter. Thrilling action that is well described without getting bogged down in descriptive detail.

One small niggle I would change "braced himself as the first one who spoke dismounted" to "the first one that had spoken."

The next chapter continues to build the intrigue and the descriptive detail is still impressive - which fits the genre conventions. I would have made to "began" rather than "begun" but I could be wrong; I frequently am.

I think the jump forward in the next chapter is a little jarring to be honest. It might just be but the jump from that touching childhood encounter to an almost grown young man made me a little sad to have missed so much of Thomas' development. Not sure how you could tackle this - maybe an almost montage of his childhood chapter - could that work? Maybe. My novel jumps all around the place so I'm one to talk.

I think you have a real talent. There are areas to work on and some editing to do but I think you have an interesting story developing in those chapter - even though the subject matter/setting isn't particularly a favourite of mine. You will definitely find fans and a committed audience.

Best of luck,
Douglas Cairns
Leverage

I've only read until Chapter 5 at this point, but I thought I'd drop a comment. Overall the story and characters are good and well-developed. My main recommendation is that you perhaps watch how easily Thomas acquires what he needs. For example: he needs to find his sister, someone recommends the pagan, he goes to her and gets answers to begin his journey. You could add some tension there by making the discovery of his sister's plight more challenging. And another example: the Elves and Epona. There was some tension, and I admittedly don't yet know Epona's role in the story, but it seems maybe a little too convenient that Thomas received Epona and that she can help him if needed.

And with that, back to reading. :)

Recommended by Sammy Smith, and I see why. I love the way you are using English folklore with the Seelies, Queen Mab - and Albion, of course. In fact, I would be inlcined to say there should be more!

You have real talent. I haven't read it all here, but would like to. If you want to contact, Sammy can give you my email address. I'd be happy to give more feedback.

YARG REVIEW: A short one as I'm under the weather but will definitely come back to this. Wow - what a beginning - fast, good imagery. Really frustrated that the could call the words out to the Oak tree at the end - which is good - builds up tension. I gather their group is 'Seelie.' Good ending to the first chapter and as most agents only like to read the first ten pages - this will certainly grab their attention. Highly starred so far. Apologies again, but I'm flagging.

Really good beginning. I've read the prologue and the first four chapters and find it spellbinding. Great descriptions, interesting characters. I'll come back and read more when I have time.

Very well written with interesting, engaging characters and action from the first page. I really like it! I've only read a few chapters so far, but I will definitely go on reading it. And I've put it on my bookshelf ;o)
Ingrid
aka Jack1761

Sorry it took me so long to get to this! I wish I'd gotten to it sooner now I've read it. It's well written and it definitely deserves the rank it's reached. I think you're a talented writer, who knows how to draw the reader along, tempting them to continue. Great characters too. I love reading about the fairy courts and this really put me in there with them. It feels polished and it really impressed me.

I'll back this very soon!
Missy

You have restored my faith in faeries ... 'now I'm a believer' ... :D

Prologue
The forest was quiet and still. DO WE NEED BOTH QUIET AND STILL? AND IS THERE A POINT OF VIEW AT WORK HERE? The first buds of spring were opening to welcome the cool dew of morning, and a herd of deer stood like sentinels among the white bodies of birch trees. HERD OF DEER? I BELIEVE YOU CAN USE THE TERM. BUT WOULDN'T A PAIR SERVE THE QUIET MORNING MOOD BETTER The chill mist was broken by a shrill, brazen scream of a child in terror. CAN THE MIST BE BROKEN BY A SOUND? THE QUIET MAYBE?
    The little girl gripped her mother’s hand {tightly HOW ELSE WOULD YOU GRIP..CUT} as she stumbled through the bracken, too slow on her short legs to keep up. BIT TELL-ISH, MAYBE SCRAMBLING OR RUNNING Her father burst through the foliage with thick dark blood reddening his teeth. He spat the blood onto the ground, swept his daughter up into his arms, took his wife by the hand and turned to run. WE NEED A POINT OF VIEW URGENTLY. YOU ARE JUST TELLING US STUFF WE DON'T CARE ABOUT.
    The little girl buried her head into her father’s neck, fighting back her tears. OKAY. HER POINT OF VIEW THEN. She could hear his uneven breath YES and feel his heart thumping in his chest. The family dashed between the trees as fast as they could, scattering the deer that blocked the path ahead. NOT HER POINT OF VIEW But the thundering of hooves was fast approaching. HER EARS HEARING IT?
    ‘Papa!’
The girl’s scream was like a knife to her father’s heart, HEAD HOPPED TO HIS POINT OF VIEW OR STRAIGHT “TELL” and he spun round, clutching his daughter tightly SEE GRIPPED ABOVE to his chest with one arm. Thrusting his other arm out before him, and shouting a word that only his kin knew, the black-clad rider that had raised an obsidian sword was lifted from his horse by the branch of a tree. The boughs squeezed the rider tightly until he fell limp, then dropped him to the ground with a heavy thud. I HAD TO REREAD THAT TWICE TO MAKE SENSE OF IT. WHO UTTERED THE WORD AND WHERE DID THE BLACKCLAD GEEZER COME FROM? YOU ARE STILL IN TELL AND THERE IS NO SENSE OF SHARING THE SCENE, YOU ARE JUST TELLING ME ABOUT IT.
    ‘My thanks,’ the father nodded to the oak tree gratefully, with a slight smile, then turned back to his wife and fled again.
    ‘Cut them off! Don’t let them leave the forest!’ The shout from behind them was a voice that drove terror deep into the family. TELL The little girl clung desperately to her father, weeping into his shoulder-length hair.
    ‘P-papa…’ she whimpered, but her father was too busy protecting her to give her words of comfort. TELL Her mother stumbled, but her father dragged her to her feet again and pulled her forwards. Time was running out for the family, and the horses were closing in fast. I'M SURE YOU ARE RIGHT, IT'S YOUR STORY, BUT WHY NOT GET INTO THE DAUGHTER'S HEAD AND LET US LIVE THIS?
    The little girl dared TELL to look up from her father’s shoulder and stole a glance TELL at what was pursuing them. The thick trunks of trees blocked her vision, but she was grateful for them TELL , for they also blocked the riders from catching them up. She almost laughed with joy, knowing her Papa had saved them.
NAH NOT GOOD. LET'S SEE THE DIALOGUE.
    An arrow shot out of the trees, whistling through the shivering leaves, and struck her father square in the shoulder. He screamed in pain and dropped to his knees, clutching his daughter protectively.
    ‘Papa!’ The girl broke away from her father reluctantly as her mother kneeled beside him. Her father trembled with the pain, but her mother laid her hands gently on the wound.
    ‘Keep still, my love, keep still,’ she whispered anxiously. In the distance, the gleeful shouts of victory crept closer.
    ‘N… No… There’s no time… Take Thissy… Run… Hide… Bram… Bram, go… Now…’
    ‘But I can heal you, Riaghán—!’
    ‘Go!’
    Bram stared at her husband for a long time, her eyes drinking in his face, wanting to take in every last detail about him. She pulled him close and kissed him deeply, her tears turning her kisses to salt. The little girl, Thissy, burst into tears and rushed forwards to embrace her father. He held her tightly and kissed her head, perhaps a little too hard, but she didn’t care.
    ‘P…Papa…’ she whimpered, but her father shushed her.
    ‘Go… Go with Mama, Thissy…’ he said painfully, clutching his left arm. ‘Bram… Find the Court… Tell them… Make sure they know… The queen is not safe… He is hunting her…’
    Bram wept as she blew Riaghán a final kiss, took her daughter by the hand, and fled into the sanctuary of the trees.
    Riaghán knelt in the mulch of the forest floor, his breathing laboured. He wanted to pull the arrow from his shoulder, but he found he couldn’t move his arm. The sound of hooves was soon accompanied by the jeers of their riders. Riaghán didn’t raise his head. He didn’t need to; he knew who the hunters were.
    ‘Well, well, well,’ laughed the voice nearest to him. ‘You certainly know how to give our horses exercise…’
    The other huntsmen laughed loudly. Riaghán looked up slowly and threw a cold glare at the finely dressed man, but kept his tongue still. He prayed Bram and Thissy were safely out of the woods.
    ‘A fine shot, brother,’ said another voice nearby. ‘But I want my best arrow back.’ The hunters sniggered, and Riaghán braced himself as the first one who spoke dismounted and approached with a cold smirk.
    ‘Please forgive my brother his impatience,’ he said, with no apologetic tone in his voice at all. He bent down and wrenched the arrow from Riaghán’s shoulder with a sickening squelch. He groaned in agony as a torrent of blood followed it.
    ‘I’ll wager that feels so much better, hmm?’ The first one sneered, and handed the bloody arrow back to his brother. ‘You’re welcome, Corvus. Shall we tell Father this one was yours? He might show you a shred of respect if he thinks you’ve taken down a Seelie dog—’
    ‘B… Bastards…’ Riaghán rasped.
    ‘You watch your tongue, Seelie!’ The hunter snarled and unsheathed his sword.
    ‘Malik! Calm your temper…’ Corvus said sternly. Malik scowled and sheathed his sword again. His eyes travelled past his brother for a moment, and he seemed to straighten up as another horse approached, a horse bearing the rider Riaghán never hoped to meet.
    ‘P… Prince Erlik…’ Riaghán mumbled, hiding his fear well. The prince was decked out in his finest, with the black bear of his house sewn onto the chest of his surcoat.
    ‘Where is she?’ Prince Erlik asked coldly. His black-gloved hands tightened on the reins of his horse. Riaghán stayed silent. He narrowed his eyes and spat a bloody mess at the ground near Erlik. The prince scowled.
    ‘Filthy Seelie scum…’ he hissed. ‘I’ll ask you again… Where is she?’ Erlik dismounted his horse and approached Riaghán slowly.
    ‘You’ll never take our city, Unseelie wretch!’ Riaghán shouted, clutching his arm. He wanted to stand, to defy him openly, even to lock blades with him, but he knew it was fruitless. He was too tired and too wounded to even get to his feet, let alone pick up a sword.
    Erlik narrowed his eyes at the wounded Seelie, and slowly pulled his sword from the scabbard at his belt. He gave it an expert swing as though to test the weight.
    ‘This sword is newly forged. It needs to be baptised. You will have that honour, unless you tell me where she is. Your queen for your life. Make your choice,’ Erlik said quietly and pressed the tip of his sword into the flesh of Riaghán’s throat.
    Riaghán stayed silent for a long time. His eyes flickered up and down the blade, realising his fate, and decided to take it into his own hands.
    ‘Long live Queen Mab!’ he bellowed, and staggered to his feet. He thrust his hand towards the nearest oak trees, but before he could utter the words that brought them to life, Erlik drove the sword deep into his chest.
    Riaghán fell. With his dying gaze, he could just make out the flaxen hair of his wife and daughter, hidden well among the foliage, watching with despair as he took his final breath. Bram held Thissy tightly as they both wept silently. No Unseelie knew they were there. They were safe.
    ‘Clean this,’ Erlik handed his sword to Malik and glared at the body of the dead Seelie. ‘A less than perfect shot, Malik. And Corvus, don’t ever take credit for your brother again. Both of you have failed me.’
    Malik and Corvus sighed huffily. Erlik mounted his horse again and pulled on the reins.
    ‘Continue the search. I want her found and taken alive. Send word when you find the city. Torture every Seelie you find if you have to, just find her!’ He spat angrily, and turned his horse away.
    Hidden in the foliage, Bram and Thissy trembled at the wrath of Prince Erlik. The land of Albion was going to suffer in a way it had never known. This was the beginning of a war.

HMMM. HAVE YOU READ THE ILL-MADE MUTE? I THINK YOU NEED TO WORK ON BOTH POINT OF VIEW AND NAILING CHARACTER IN DIALOGUE. I LOVE FANTASY, BUT YOU NEED TO WORK HARD ON THIS.

This is great. Very descriptive writing, it feels as if i'm actually in story. I will add to my WL
kelly
The Rise of The New Bloods

Hi,

had a read of chapters 1-4, really solid and articulate writing. Easy to read and fast paced the reader is hooked immediately.
Thanks

Hi RK

Will definitively have a nose through this as I have a few spaces on my book shelf and WL. Would you be so kind as to have a quick look at my book - The List. Feel free to leave a comment.
ta very much.

David J Baron

i think the world youve created here is really amazing. its easy to get lost in it. i found both of your pitches to be really well done too. the only crit i really have for you is in your long pitch, i would be wary of mentioning terms that people arent exactly aware of. some of them threw me off but that didnt really matter because you had already hooked me with your short pitch.

starred highly.

hoping to hear your feedback on Gut Instincts,
melissa :)

Enchanting! Kate, this is really good. I love Thissy, I could almost paint a picture of her, you describe her so well. This story is going to be exciting, I'm on chapter 6 and I just know that the tension is mounting and a great battle is going to ensue. Maybe it isn't important, but I feel as though I don't lknow Jonelle enough. I think as the mother of the MCs, perhaps you could flesh her out a bit, so that I feel more connected to her. She's bound to be devastated about both her daughter and son, but I didn't know her well enough to feel her pain. (I hope this doesn't offend you, Kate) I don't usually read this genre, so perhaps I'm wrong, but I would have also liked a bit more description about the time and place they all live in. (Like you do in the prologue, the descriptions are brilliant there, and put me right in the action) I'm no editor or book reviewer, I can only honestly say what I 'feel' about it, and your book truly is a wonderful story of this type, it really is. Only pay attention to suggestions of change if lots of people say the same thing. I will read more and perhaps comment again, but well done, Kate. Six stars from me. xx

Hey there. You've been plugging your book quite a bit in the forums, so I came to check it out. I've read the first chapter, or rather the 'prologue', and I'm impressed with your writing style. It flows smoothly and is descriptive without being overbearing. You manage to convey a keen sense of danger, and your characters, even the minor minions, appear well developed.

There are a few points I'd like to bring up:

1) In your opening paragraph, you describe the deer standing between the 'wide bodies' of the birch trees. Birch trees don't have wide bodies. They're quite skinny, as you can see here: http://ohscience.tumblr.com/post/9729630966/white-birch-trees-stand-tall-in-riding-mountain

2) When Riaghan is shot, I get the impression that it's just a shoulder wound, yet he acts as if he is mortally injured. I know that it has to hurt like hell, but it didn't seem like a grievous enough wound to make a man fleeing for the safety of his family to stop-- the fear and adrenaline would be enough to help him keep going.

Plus, his wife, Bran, mentions that he can heal him, but he tells her to not bother and run, and I assume that this is because they don't have enough time. Yet Bran takes a long moment to stare at him, then kisses him, then Riaghan kisses his daughter. Seems to me that during that time she could have healed him. Just another inconsistency-- it reads sort of like you're manufacturing a reason for Riaghan to die rather than him dying was the only way for his family to go free.

3) This is not actually a prologue, but the beginning of your story. A lot of writers misuse prologues, mainly because they don't understand the true purpose of them. A prologue is used to introduce backstory that the reader needs to know in order to read the rest of the story-- meaning that if they don't know this information, the reader will miss out on plot points and his reading experience would suffer.

Two main ways that prologues are abused:

1. The information in the prologue is not actually backstory, but is the beginning of the story, and therefore should actually serve as chapter one.

2. The backstory provided by the prologue isn't necessary for the reader to know beforehand and could have been worked into the meat of the story itself.

I see here that your prologue falls into the first category. It's really not so much 'backstory' as it is where your story starts; as Erlik says, it's the 'beginning of a war', and hence your story.

I'll probably come back and read more later, simply because this is intriguing-- you've taken a new spin on the Fae, and I'm gathering that Riaghan's daughter has an important part to play. Hopefully I've been of some help to you. :)
xx Jasmine

~The Albion Pages~

Hi Kate - as promised!

I had a look into the mythology or background of this and though it was of necessity rather superficial, I think I got an inkling of where you are heading. I will repeat what I said before - this is way out of my comfort zone so please disregard my amateur efforts if I got it all wrong.

These are just my initial thoughts without reading more. As a story beginning it's fairly solid but:

1. there are some things that need to be made clear to the reader either in this chapter if they are important (such as the fact Mab is missing, and where the seelie family is running to).

2. there are some things that need to be made clear very soon after this chapter if they can't be fitted into it, such as why Mab can't be found in her castle which even the unseelie know the location of, why the unseelie can't access the land of fairy in order to get to the castle, why the fairy family are living in Albion and not in fairy land, why a common family would know the location of their queen even if she had gone missing and so forth.

3. there are some grammatical and word-flow issues that should be addressed. Addressing them early means they are not continued through the story meaning a major rewrite later to get rid of them.

4. I would also make it very clear in the first couple of paragraphs that this family is seelie and not human - that came as a bit of a surprise and it shouldn't be.

5. Finally, if the family is already in the land of fairy and is fleeing to the human world so that the girl can grow up there, possibly in ignorance of her powers, this should also be made clear. It reads as though they are in the human lands already.

Having said all that, the beginning can carry the reader forward but the thing that didn't ring true and almost pulled me out was the fact that, after running away at the father's instructions, the mother and child were close enough to see him die. That part has two major problems:

- 1. a mother of this archetype will do all she can to protect her child, even when her heart is breaking over her husband's potential and imminent death; it is unlikely she'd bring that same child back to where the people that are trying to kill them are just so she could watch him die.

- 2. the family were running TO somewhere; it is more logical for the mother to try to get her child TO that place, and not come back into the danger they are fleeing from. If she does want to return to help her man, then she might hide the child and return, but it stretches believability to breaking point that she'd waste her husband's sacrifice in this way.

- 3. Why they weren't seen when they were being looked for, and why the prince didn't continue his pursuit of the women (or send his men in pursuit of them) even after capturing the husband?

- 4. Why was the unseelie prince himself in personal pursuit of what appear to be a family of commoners when he has soldiers to do that for him although that reason could easily come a chapter or so later in the story?

And, lastly, this is a prologue, so I assume the main character is going to be the young girl when she has grown up probably after losing both her parents. If that is so, then you need to consider the following:

1. Is the unseelie prince the current ruler of the unseelie court? If not, then what he is doing has serious political implications that could affect the unseelie as well as the seelie and there may be other factions of the unseelie court who want to stop or banish him.

2. How is the prince powerful enough to go hunting openly for the seelie queen? Won't she just order her considerable forces into the field against him for his insult? Mab is a powerful, capricious, often spiteful and cruel figure in her own right. Her people love her, but are wary of her in most of the folklore I've read. She would retaliate with force against someone attacking her people so openly - Albion or no, and so it's hard to believe that the prince could hunt the seelie with impunity for long (certainly not long enough for a child to grow to her teens). It's also difficult to believe that the prince would be able to take power even if Mab can't be found as she is surrounded by competent and powerful fey of her own.

I was a bit puzzled as to why the seelie couldn't escape 'underhill' or through a portal into fairyland - and if that's where they were heading, why it wasn't mentioned and why the wife and child hid instead of heading for it while the husband bought them time with his life. I was also puzzled as to why the unseelie weren't looking for a portal into the land of fairy to get to Mab, as that is where she usually is, or, for that matter, why they didn't already know where one was. If she were hiding, then the reader should have learned that from the fleeing seelie family very early in the piece.

If these questions can be answered with strong, logical plotting, then this story will work just fine.

On another issue - I think you should use Kate Summers not RK Summers for your author name. (Smacks too much of the famous JK.) And I'm not absolutely wrapped in the title - it's not "faerie" enough. (Funnily enough my grandmothers maiden name was Albion)

I hope this is of some help to you, Kate but I may be blithering!

Tonia

This book is full of surprises, it has a quick pace and great descriptions.
I love the start of the story and was so mesmerised by its plot. I had to continue reading.
You finish each chapter with a tempting hook, that begs you to read more.
You have fleshed out some interesting characters, and they are very 3 dimensional.
This book is enchanting, spellbinding and hypnotic. Well done.

Cool, have you been watching Merlin? One of my favourate tv programmes!

Bonsoir Kate!

Ok, I didn't have to spend long looking at the Albion Pages, you see ... over the last few days I've been dipping in and out of the story when I've had a spare moment or two.
Your book has risen through the ranks at a tremendous rate - it's not difficult to see why. You've clearly spent a lot of time crafting this story and editing it so that it reaches it's full potential. Your love of fairies, mythology and all things magical is obvious, the passion you put into your writing is clear and overall this is a great story.
I've read 13 chapters so far and specifically looked at the pace and tone of the book. I do notice that your paragraphs are very short, I think in some descriptive places where the paragraphs have been split - you could actually have them as one. Having the contrast then tends to help with the flow.
This is a fast moving story, there isn't a lot of purple prose and the descriptions you've crafted lend themselves well to the genre you write in.
I wasn't going to comment on grammar but when you use ellipses in speech, you words that follow don't need to be capitalised eg: Oh ... Erm ... Well should be Oh ... erm ... well - I know Microsoft word auto-corrects this to capitals because it views the ellipses as a full stop! (I had to go through my MS and change it all by hand - pain!)

What I always say is this - these reviews aren't by professionals, we are not publishers, editors, agents or masters of the English language. If there is anything you don't agree with - don't change it.

I'd like to see this get to the editor's desk, it has potential to be a great story; I intend to get through it all. It's just my style of book.

6 stars, and on the watch list for backing. I rotate every 2/3 weeks and think this will be a winner.
Now ... if I back - will Erlik cut me some slack and let me keep my head? :D

The characters in your book are so convincing. Excellent, merited plot – the story pulls you in from the beginning – the first chapter is ‘first rate’. The pace and structure is well-presented, along with the use of language. OMG the narrative voice and dialogue is so wonderful – not long before this is published I think. The themes and ideas are well thought out LOVE IT! So I've shelved it,

Hi RK. The beginning of your story is well written and captures the reader's interest from the outset. It has excitement and tension. The prologue draws you straight into the scene - something that a lot of novels on this site fail to achieve. May I suggest that near the end of your prologue you tell us that Riaghan's wife and daughter are hidden well amongst the foliage, far enough away to be safe. But, perhaps, only near enough to 'hear' the final dying groans of their loved one. I think for them to be close enough to see each other whilst he is being attacked and still be safe is somewhat implausible.
This next point is a small observation, but I think these details are important when it comes to the unforgiving eyes of our friends, the publishers. Chap 1, 2nd paragraph: 'Bumblebees drifted from flower to flower, trailing pollen in their wake and flowers swayed gently .....'. The word flower has appeared three times in one sentence and doesn't flow well. And would a four year old pay particular attention to swaying flowers? May I suggest the following: 'Bumblebees drifted from flower to flower, trailing pollen in their wake, but Thomas paid them no attention. He lay among the tall grasses that swayed gently in the soft breeze around him, as he fought against the stinging pain in his knee.'
As I say small details.
This is shaping up to be an enchanting little story, well done.
I have w/l'd you and will get back later with more feedback. Hope you're enjoying Reasonable Force.
Good luck, Sully.

Spectacular! From the first scenes with Riaghan, Bram and Thissy to Chapter 4's re- introduction of Thistledown (Thissy?) you keep the reader entertained and delighted. I cannot say how it goes beyond that because it's 5:15 AM and I need some sleep tonight. This is a book I will continue reading until I finish all of what you've posted. There was not one instance where I was bored or felt that the flow stopped. In four chapters, I only noticed one missing apostrophe. One! And with an enchanting story to boot! If this is how well you write when you are 21, I can't begin to imagine how you will write when you are 42 or 63, because what you have here is utterly masterful. Six stars and backed!

The prose is descriptive in terms of presenting wonderful scenes. Good luck with the work. It' really good.