Not Responsible

Terrific stuff, Jake. On my shelf.

The prose is taut and punchy, almost hard boiled, just right for this type of novel. The narrator himself feels appropriately disturbed and menacing but also oddly appealing in terms of the simplicity of his world view and the honesty with which he submits to his sinister urges. Nicely done. (I’m reading Lawrence Sanders’ 1970s blockbuster ‘The First Deadly Sin’ at the moment and the killer in that is similarly convincing in terms of his reasoned certainty that what he is doing is instinctive and true)

The dialogue is particularly strong: real and direct and always purposeful. As far as I can tell, the plot feels well thought out with plenty of scope for tension and intrigue as well as unsettlingly dark comic moments.

I think this type of novel lives or dies on whether or not the reader is willing to spend their time in the company of such an ostensibly deranged, unsavoury lead character. I’m enjoying his company at the moment which, given what this man does for fun, is testament to your writing skills. Most impressive.

In short, a dark, very stylish, blackly comic opening. Thanks and best of luck.


Observations on Ch1:

Don’t ‘gloomy’ and ‘dingy’ mean the same thing? Maybe lose one?? Also, the narrator strikes me as the type of man who wouldn’t be bothered by his surroundings/ whether or not a place was ‘pleasant’?? Maybe have him cynically view it from the perspective of a ‘normal’ person??

Ditto his thoughts about seeing a dentist. Would he be bothered by his injuries??

I really like the confident, punchy prose (eg. ‘No bedding. No creature comforts. The walls were whitewashed brick…etc’) Seems to match the killer’s detached, coldly appraising mindset.

‘I could have used a blanket’ This line threw me on first read. I assumed he was naked and had briefly thought about covering himself up with a blanket. Maybe rephrase??

Fantastic exchange with the guard. The killer’s matter-of-fact line about how he killed the taxi driver provides a deft insight into how his mind works. Disturbing and very revealing.

‘…but stayed his ground.’ I may be wrong, but I always associate this phrase with not backing down/retreating (as opposed to ‘advancing’, as in this instance)??

‘Killing the doctor had annoyed them all’ – the use of ‘annoyed’ cleverly shows how twisted the killer’s mind/value system has become.

‘shouldn’t have mentioned my mother’ – not sure about this? maybe a little clichéd? made me think of Norman Bates, Psycho etc??

Again, the punchy, rhythmic prose seems to fit with the killer’s mindset. Very effective.

‘I was stuck on thirty seven…etc’ – his fixation with his tally of kills feels utterly believable and oddly endearing (!!) Nicely done.

‘The fat guard. He’ll be a squealer.’ – terrific line.

Excellent last line. Dark and unsettling and blackly comic.

Jake, here's a tardy look at your book. You are the master of writing pitches. I can't imagine anyone putting this one down in the bookshop.

The Hag won't have anything to do here, unless you've perhaps typed a stray key or two.

Just a short way in, I'm totally hooked. Why does he kill people? Will we find out? Will it matter? A remarkable first chapter. And I feel compelled to read the second, so this comment will end for now. If I have any further comments I'll send you a message.

Love the start of chapter two, where the guy's lips are like a razor slash. Perfect imagery for your MC.

~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

No doubt about it, Jake - you have the perfect voice for this - I raced though, only to find it ended far too soon! Excellent, fast paced thrill ride that I can't wait to read more of.

Well done, Jake. The creation and building-up of this character is a thing of dark beauty. I can sense the momentum, yet at the same time feel the structured pace, the methodical gait, as he bides his time. The singular voice of this piece will spur any fan of the genre on and on, until the last page is turned and they're pissed off that there isn't any more. I can honestly say I'm jealous.

Your descriptions fit with the story like a knife to a sheath - sparse, cold, taking up no more than is absolutely necessary.

I think you need to post a few more chapters.

Errors? Maybe - hell, I don't know. I was enjoying the ride too much to notice any pot holes in the road.

Gerry

Another great start to another great but chilling novel. I've been an admirer of earlier books by Jake. Where this dark side comes from with all its horrible but convincing detail ... just can't say. Backed
Lara
A RELATIVE LOSS

First things first:
I’m glad I stumbled across this book!!

The pitch was intriguing, and Chapter One did not disappoint. Your writing is very polished and I can tell there has been a lot of work done; it reads smoothly and effortlessly.

Perspective is excellent, and your writing style mimics thought, with the structuring of your sentences to be broken up by comments or else short.
Having said that, you are also good at longer descriptions (like that of the cell), and create mood well in this way too.

Perfect ending to Chapter One; you grip the reader and pull them forward. I like the use of single sentences in a paragraph on their own for emphasis. Another example of this excellent structuring is Chapter Two: where ‘Weakness’ is in a line of its own.

Favourite bits; in Chapter Two, I love this image; ‘So many possibilities from one single act on my part.’
This guy is a killer -> you think killer, you think death/destruction. But the word possibilities… that gives rise to thinking about creation. Not sure if this was consciously done, but it’s brilliant. It gives your work added depth, and makes it appealing to a wider audience. You have people who will just read because it’s a fun read, and a well-written work. You have people who will read because they feel something else there, beneath the surface, and it sparks certain thoughts in their mind.

I also like the paragraph beginning; ‘The door crashed back against the wall and I leapt forward…’ You do a good job of showing how your protagonist is, what we would call, animalistic and primitive. I wonder if you intend to provoke your readers to think about what we label as savage? It certainly does that for me, and maybe if you didn’t to do intend this but are interested, there’s a suggestion.

And in short, this is a book to read!!!

….
Cara
The Awakening: Dawn of Destruction
“I want to save the world. I want to conquer evil.
But evil is just a disease, in each and every one of our hearts…”
….

Jake,
Just got a few more comments on the first couple of chapters for you if you’re making edits, hope they’re useful!

Chapter 1:

Not sure about the dentist bit - and I see there is a comment on it below. I also think it slightly detracts from the mood. Think dentist, and reader thinks ‘clinical’ almost. Whereas, in this opening paragraph, you want reader to be engrossed in the scene and build tension so that they read on. For me, the image of the dentist slightly spoils that - but only slightly.

Chapter 2:

I’d put ‘had become a rich man…’ as a sentence on its own (in that sentence about fear) - write it as ‘. I had become a rich by understanding its power.’ Just a stylistic thing… to emphasise this fact. But, the sentence is fine as it is, and you’re the writer!


I also notice that people have commented on trying to develop your protagonist more, so that he almost is redeeming/etc… I didn’t really feel that way, but I can see that point of view. For me, the fact he loves killing doesn’t make me label him a villain and gruesome man; it just has me intrigued. Maybe not everyone is like me… but I think you have two possibilities to tackle this issue.
1. Do add some redemptive features for him
2. Somehow, subtly, weave in an exploration of this emotion and ‘madness’… for example, this man’s glee for killing and ‘cold-heartedness’ is frankly no different to some things going on in our world. There are so many people still be exploited, and heck, with the way things currently are financially… trying not to be too political here. But if you get what I’m saying?? What is so bad about what this murderer is doing, when there are ‘acceptable’ members of society actually causing worldwide strife.


That’s just my views,

All the best! Highly rated and on my watchlist while I read some more ;)
Cara

Comments for Not Responsible

This is a book for real men. I killed a cow with my bare hands, tore off one of its hind legs, and sat naked in front of my computer screen while stripping the flesh off the bone as I read this. I think I got a massive erection at some point as well. I intend to kidnap a city councillor and firebomb a local police station once I finish posting this comment.

You know damn well what market you’re gunning for, Jake. I don’t think I need to nit-pick. The prose tears along with all the poise and grace of a V8 engine with a supercharger. My only question is, does you character have any redeeming features? At what point do we begin to root for this leather skinned bastard? You know that HC (and every other published I guess) want a ‘sympathetic’ character. I read the first three chapters, and although it’s fun, I’m hoping you flesh this fella out and give him a suitable character arc – not so he turns into a pussy – but so he acquires a sense of nobility.

It’s no surprise that your books do well. It’s pure hardboiled fun.

Good stuff.

Iso

Paid On Return

Thanks for the message, Jake, Very kind. I seem to remember your comment was the first one I received after posting The Poet and to get such thoughtful and encouraging feedback right off the bat really meant a lot, especially from such a talented writer as yourself. And let's not forget that permanent fixture on your shelf!! Thanks again. A

(apologies for messaging you here. I'll drop by and delete it in a bit)

As promised just backed Not Responsible.
All the Best,
John

Dropping Babies.

I can only add to the superlatives here Jake. Chapter 4 is probably the best thing I've read in a long time. I came to it thinking it would be another flimsy middle-class, middle lane, attempt at psychopathy and the gutter but this breathes authenticity. The danger, which you have avoided, is that the supporting characters are too contrived so as to aid the plot - I'm thinking now about the Governor and the junior dr.
Only constructive things I can add, without meaning to sound like a picky git, concern chap 3 and the hospital scene. Maybe a chest X-ray ( and you mention the possibility of a broken rib) but more likely to endoscopy after that rather than an ultrasound. They'd need to have a look along the upper GI tract and stomach. I said juniour dr above as you have him making 'copious notes'. A student or very inexperienced dr would take notes during clerking but its doubtful someone at that level would be assigned this nutter.
Brilliant read, feel like I've drank some strong coffee. Highly starred and on WL to be backed when I can.
I'd be grateful if you had a look at mine which is based in the L'pool, wirral, chester area.
Regards,
John

hello Jake-

book- Not Responsible--

Came across this book whilst browsing- and then noted the high ranking after so short a time on the site.
all i can say to that is -well done- this book has something-
after reading all five chapters posted - i have to agree - it has-

It's a gripping and captivating read right from the first line - as a grim picture is painted of what the prison looks like from two floors under ground - so realistic it lingers in the mind eye for the rest of the read.

A killer if ever there was one- in there after killing 41 people and than after escaping appearing to kill or want to kill every person in sight-

It will certainly reach the editors desk within the next few week and good luck when it gets there Jake-

tom bye
book- from hugs to kisses-
oblige please and read some of my dark chapters -12-17-18-28-39-and oblige thanks

Hi Jake,

Finished through Chapter 5. You've nailed the description of a street fighter. A boxer or one who fights fair has no chance against a street fighter whose MO is to maim, disable, and/or kill. Well done. I'm wondering in chapter 5 when he's cleaning up if there wouldn't be more blood on his shoes and clothes, even face. All of the slashing, well, veins spurt. I saw the results from a cut artery once, a real mess.

Also, he's disguised himself with rounded shoulders, baggy jeans, but no mention of facial hair, glasses, or anything else about his face. Perhaps for a later chapter.

I'm feeling like this dude is a piece of work but will we like him in some redeeming way in the end?

If you post any more chapters, let me know and good luck with this manuscript. Well written. ~Kady Colter, Shakespeare's Pink Cadillac

Hi Jake,

I normally don't read this genre with its darkness. However, I'm going to be visiting a prison soon (I know, I'm such a contradiction) and your pitch reeled me in. Read the first chapter and I'm hooked. Will have to come back and read more when I have the time. You've mastered the lean/no fat cut-to-the-bone writing style. Putting you on my watchlist and starring for now ~ Kady Colter, Shakespeare's Pink Cadillac

Thanks for the message, Jake. Very kind. I can't believe TP is in the top ten either. It's been on the site three times before and hasn't made the top 100 so its rise this time has come as a huge surprise. I keep thinking the wheels are going to come off but I'm enjoying the ride while it lasts!! Terrific to see Not Responsible doing so well too. It really is a very stylish, impressively original piece of writing. Thanks again for the kind words, Jake. They really are most appreciated. All the best (and apologies for resorting to messaging you here!). Andrew.

Jake, here's a tardy look at your book. You are the master of writing pitches. I can't imagine anyone putting this one down in the bookshop.

The Hag won't have anything to do here, unless you've perhaps typed a stray key or two.

Just a short way in, I'm totally hooked. Why does he kill people? Will we find out? Will it matter? A remarkable first chapter. And I feel compelled to read the second, so this comment will end for now. If I have any further comments I'll send you a message.

Love the start of chapter two, where the guy's lips are like a razor slash. Perfect imagery for your MC.

~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

Like Ramblings of a Deluded Soul, this is dark, violent, and extremely well done.
There's not much i can say other than that you are a master of this. the tension is there right from the off, the threat of extreme violence ever present.
If i wanted to be nit-picky I'd say the line "the blood of battle in his veins" didn't seem right, but that's a tiny detail.
it's great stuff, and I have starred it accordingly.

Jake, this is a thriller-chiller-spiller-killer-diller par excellence. Well, you know that. but so will everyone who reads the pitch and reluctantly(like me) reads the first sentence and the last. And then the chapters in between! Yes, a griller-diller.
Can't miss. Top stars and backed,
David Grant,
"Pompey Chimes"

Terrific stuff, Jake. On my shelf.

The prose is taut and punchy, almost hard boiled, just right for this type of novel. The narrator himself feels appropriately disturbed and menacing but also oddly appealing in terms of the simplicity of his world view and the honesty with which he submits to his sinister urges. Nicely done. (I’m reading Lawrence Sanders’ 1970s blockbuster ‘The First Deadly Sin’ at the moment and the killer in that is similarly convincing in terms of his reasoned certainty that what he is doing is instinctive and true)

The dialogue is particularly strong: real and direct and always purposeful. As far as I can tell, the plot feels well thought out with plenty of scope for tension and intrigue as well as unsettlingly dark comic moments.

I think this type of novel lives or dies on whether or not the reader is willing to spend their time in the company of such an ostensibly deranged, unsavoury lead character. I’m enjoying his company at the moment which, given what this man does for fun, is testament to your writing skills. Most impressive.

In short, a dark, very stylish, blackly comic opening. Thanks and best of luck.


Observations on Ch1:

Don’t ‘gloomy’ and ‘dingy’ mean the same thing? Maybe lose one?? Also, the narrator strikes me as the type of man who wouldn’t be bothered by his surroundings/ whether or not a place was ‘pleasant’?? Maybe have him cynically view it from the perspective of a ‘normal’ person??

Ditto his thoughts about seeing a dentist. Would he be bothered by his injuries??

I really like the confident, punchy prose (eg. ‘No bedding. No creature comforts. The walls were whitewashed brick…etc’) Seems to match the killer’s detached, coldly appraising mindset.

‘I could have used a blanket’ This line threw me on first read. I assumed he was naked and had briefly thought about covering himself up with a blanket. Maybe rephrase??

Fantastic exchange with the guard. The killer’s matter-of-fact line about how he killed the taxi driver provides a deft insight into how his mind works. Disturbing and very revealing.

‘…but stayed his ground.’ I may be wrong, but I always associate this phrase with not backing down/retreating (as opposed to ‘advancing’, as in this instance)??

‘Killing the doctor had annoyed them all’ – the use of ‘annoyed’ cleverly shows how twisted the killer’s mind/value system has become.

‘shouldn’t have mentioned my mother’ – not sure about this? maybe a little clichéd? made me think of Norman Bates, Psycho etc??

Again, the punchy, rhythmic prose seems to fit with the killer’s mindset. Very effective.

‘I was stuck on thirty seven…etc’ – his fixation with his tally of kills feels utterly believable and oddly endearing (!!) Nicely done.

‘The fat guard. He’ll be a squealer.’ – terrific line.

Excellent last line. Dark and unsettling and blackly comic.

Hey I checked out your synopsis and I'm intrigued. I would love to read more...I was wondering if you'd be interested in checking out War of the Wastelands and exchanging notes? Let me know, if you are busy or its not really your type of book I understand.

Sara

Your writing style is superb. It reminds me of my own dark writings of my past. Very good writing! I can see this in the bookstores, and becoming a number one best seller because people like reading this kind of fiction. It's creepy. Scary, and makes a person lay awake at night and startle at every bump and sound.
I am adding you to my bookshelf. Great job, and keep it up! You will be published, don't give up.

D. S. Hale

Oof, now I like this one.

I'm not really a one for protracted literary criticism so its always a thrill to drop on a book here that doesn't require me to provide much. The best I can come up with is that there appears to be a missing comma after the word "necessary" (Ch1, third paragraph - pedantic, I know, but this is what you've reduced me to with your faultless, sparse prose) and that maybe the dialogue between the fat warder and the Governor at the end of Chapter 2 feels a bit overly expositional (a bit like the conversation between the copper and the psychiatrist at the end of "Psycho") but I can see how it might be needed.

Other than that, I thought this was just brilliant. I was up to Chapter 4 when my mate came round to go out to the pub and was a bit narked that I had to leave your work here. The temp barmaid in our local was quite mardy and told us she was going to close the bar at 10.30 as we were the only patrons. Ordinarily, I would have been affronted by that, but tonight I wasn't bothered as it meant I could get back and finish your uploaded chapters.

And now I have, and now I'm going to back it and microwave some lasagne. Good work.

I read your first three chapters.

General comments: Chilling premise. A sinister start. A well-woven central character. Edgy narrative. Excellent use of deep point of view. Realistic descriptions. Effective sense of place. Plenty of tension. Crisp pacing.

Specific comment on the first chapter:
1) No nits, but you mention 'cold' in the first, fifth and tenth paragraph.

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) 'Yes, quite so, Mister Boyce. Is he secure? Put a closing quote mark after 'secure.'
2) 'This is the same man who was responsible for the death of ... ' Consider replacing the ellipsis ( ... ) with an em-dash. Use an ellipsis for hesitation. Use an em-dash for interruption. Since the doctor is interrupted by Collins, an em-dash is appropriate.

Specific comments on the third chapter:
1) 'You ready for him yet?' The porter enquired. 'The' should be lowercase. 'The porter enquired' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the first word of the dialogue tag is lowercase.
2) 'Boyce saw the smirk on the porter's face and his anger grew.' You're writing this scene from the prisioner's point of view. He can't know what Boyce sees and that Boyce gets angry. Also, technically, 'his' refers to the porter.
3) Excellent end of chapter hook. Who wouldn't turn the page after reading that line?

I hope these comments help you further polish your all important first chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Oak" and let me know what you think.

Have a marvelous day.

Al

I can't message you, but I can leave you a comment :P
http://i788.photobucket.com/albums/yy164/wildgreenskittle/NR.jpg

No doubt about it, Jake - you have the perfect voice for this - I raced though, only to find it ended far too soon! Excellent, fast paced thrill ride that I can't wait to read more of.

I've read through all you have here, Jake. I can see why people love your books. Your writing is strong. Your voice, lethal and accurate (and not just because your character acts that way, but because you tell your story confidently.) I think that reading books like these requires a willing suspension of disbelief. We read about these types of characters because we find it hard to believe that they really exist but know that they must. We want to try to understand how anybody could act this way. We are horrified and curious at the same time. Still, I found myself questioning just how easy it was for him to kill. The corpse count is piling up, but I'm having a hard time believing he is so much muscle and lean precision machine. Nobody is that accurate - are they? Forget regret, that's not what I want from him, it just all seems a bit too easy for him. Like, why should I keep reading if I know he's just going to keep killing people every couple paragraphs? Which is just a reaction of mine and not a judgement at all because your tone and voice and characterization and all your descriptions come across as vivid, tactile and professional.

Happy to comment on more if you wish. Not sure what you are looking for...

Best,

Rena (Bunderful)

Oooh - dark stuff.
Not the sort of thing I'd usually read, but the writing is excellent and the pace really moves things along well.
Personally, I'd look at your first sentence again. So much rests on it, and I have to say I stumbled over it.
But I've rewritten my first sentence about a million times, so who am I to talk?
I'm starring this now and will pop it on my shelf when there's space.

Good luck.
Diana
Pascual's Birthday

Hi
Not being one for blood, guts or psychopaths I read with some misgivings. Found excellent writing - geat narrative voice with touches of macabre humour - shock horror - found myself laughing.
Best of all, sparse and economical writing - no melodrama, no messing around. Such a relief from the excesses one sees elsewhere ... (hark at 'er)
Backed
AliB

Well done, Jake. The creation and building-up of this character is a thing of dark beauty. I can sense the momentum, yet at the same time feel the structured pace, the methodical gait, as he bides his time. The singular voice of this piece will spur any fan of the genre on and on, until the last page is turned and they're pissed off that there isn't any more. I can honestly say I'm jealous.

Your descriptions fit with the story like a knife to a sheath - sparse, cold, taking up no more than is absolutely necessary.

I think you need to post a few more chapters.

Errors? Maybe - hell, I don't know. I was enjoying the ride too much to notice any pot holes in the road.

Gerry

Pitch commanded me to put you on my watchlist :)

You write in pictures. With thin lips clamped so tight they resemble a razor slash. (But that's just a hint of what's to come). Backed.

Barton has established a fan base. Read enough to satisfy myself it wasn't a spoof and bought it to read later. The pitch is enough to entice most normal (hahaha) people to read on.

I agree with Joanna - the pitch makes me want to read it - desperately!

Fantastic pitch. I'd buy it for that alone. Backed.

Backing this based on the pitch alone! Can't wait to get started with it. Back with comments soon. xx

Jake,

In my opinion, Not Responsible promises to be your best work to date. The pitches compelled me to want to read your chapters, particularly since you don’t mention the main character’s name in the pitches. Very creative!

The writing in the chapters is superb. Without wasting any words, you allow readers to delve right into the story and observe some tension early on. I can see, hear, and feel Boyce and the characters you’ve introduced as this thriller unfolds.

As far as nits, I’m sorry I couldn’t find any.

Rodney

Hi gorgeous,

Because it's by you I know it's going to be good. Look, I don't even have to read it to know that.

WL for now and will read asap.

I finished Ramblings in double quick time it was compulsive. A bit like my big fave, Lee Child (but Jack kills a lot more people).

As always

Tonia
xxx

Your first few paragraphs are a great hook to your first chapter and I found that I couldn't stop reading. And that doesn't happen often, so bravo. Your style of writing also kept my attention. When most people use those short sentences, it sounds choppy and not at all fluid, but you've got in down so it doesn't read like that at all. It also brings a spark to your narrator that most books lack. I'm definitely backing this one for a while.