One Off, Sir!

This is a winner, Neville. It rings of Norman Stanley Fletcher, my favorite show. But Big-Ed's out, no longer doing porridge and this is no armchair 1970's TV show. Great dialogue, fast pace and high tension make this is a must read. I read to chapter 8 enthralled with the plot. Although there is a ton of language, it is realistic and jives well with each characters background. In some places, I would remove the names used in the dialogue. I got who was talking and thought it might read better without it.

Chapter 4 is laced with brutality and gloom. Ed must get his five grand and he will kill for it if he has to. We see a determined MC with a trace of compassion. His sister is being abused by her out-of-work, boozing husband and he won’t let Alf get away with it. Sounds like a busy day for a big guy. Chapter 5 reminisces about the ‘job’ from the inside. Guilty of breaking and entering, Ed must serve a term of five years corrective training. But who squealed? Chapter 6 reveals a distraught Mr. Miller and Ed, considerate to the end, feels inclined to help. At this point, I can’t help feeling a trickle of dread. Chapter 7 finds Alf with a job and Kate and her mum looking forward to Ed’s release. Ed has the usual ‘lookers’ syndrome as he finds himself on the outside eyeing young Debbie and overcome with lust. But there is a reason he sits by the window with a good cup of joe. His eyes hit the flower shop and its needy owner. Meanwhile, romance hits him full in the face and as for the sack of coal, I nearly hit the floor laughing! But Ed’s got other business to attend to and its ten past four. Fists flying and regurgitated chips makes Ed a happy man.

I think you have really livened up these chapters well. Its a very entertaining read, chapters are just the right length and the descriptions are first-rate. We know where we are, smelling the stench of the slop down to the rosy scent of a freshly showered Debbie.

I enjoyed the scene in the flower shop so much. Ed puts all to rights and asks nothing in return except a bunch of roses for a special girl. Nice touch!

Nits, very few. Just a few typos and missing words. I left some behind in the beginning chapters but here’s two in Chapter 7:

“Well if (it) aint our Kate,”

Its bloody murder today up there, crowds everywhere.(”)

Some commas might need to be revised.

I also think this would make a sensational screenplay. In the meantime, high stars. Just loved it! Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

Hi Neville,
As I thought I much prefer this to your kids book. It's gritty with a true sense of realism to it and an interesting plot that drags the reader in. The only thing that didn't quite sit right in the first four chapters was that in the fight scene you sat Ed had youth on his side, yet a couple of paragraphs later you tell us his sister is a couple if years younger than him at 38. If Ed's 40 using the word youth jars a bit, even if he was younger than his opponent.
If it weren't for a full watch list, and a second list on top of that, I'd read on, but as it is I'll just wish you well fit the future, with both your books.
Best wishes,
James

Only got to Ch 2 but enjoyed the read Big Ed- your descriptions and dialogue are great, I can actually visualize the man. My only qualm (small) is the sentence Ch1 day in day our week in...I felt day in day out was suffice.
Well done Neville. Highly starred!
Regards, Red
Illusions of Comfort

A great work deserves high appreciations. On my watch list now.

Hi Neville,
On the whole, well written with good narative passages. There are one ir two passages/word selection that may be improved upon but nothing that a good editor wouldn't clear out. Only one glaring one that I would suggest that you clear up straight away - Ch1 - you say that he has done four and a half years of his stretch then say the he has only three months left. But that is picky. Realistically portrayed and taughtly written.
Rob Lawrence

I really enjoy crime fiction, that's why I was drawn to this. Your great dialogue and narrative is what made me read more than I thought I would.

Roy Earle, "Bad Men and Bad Odds"

Good Luck!

This is a winner, Neville. It rings of Norman Stanley Fletcher, my favorite show. But Big-Ed's out, no longer doing porridge and this is no armchair 1970's TV show. Great dialogue, fast pace and high tension make this is a must read. I read to chapter 8 enthralled with the plot. Although there is a ton of language, it is realistic and jives well with each characters background. In some places, I would remove the names used in the dialogue. I got who was talking and thought it might read better without it.

Chapter 4 is laced with brutality and gloom. Ed must get his five grand and he will kill for it if he has to. We see a determined MC with a trace of compassion. His sister is being abused by her out-of-work, boozing husband and he won’t let Alf get away with it. Sounds like a busy day for a big guy. Chapter 5 reminisces about the ‘job’ from the inside. Guilty of breaking and entering, Ed must serve a term of five years corrective training. But who squealed? Chapter 6 reveals a distraught Mr. Miller and Ed, considerate to the end, feels inclined to help. At this point, I can’t help feeling a trickle of dread. Chapter 7 finds Alf with a job and Kate and her mum looking forward to Ed’s release. Ed has the usual ‘lookers’ syndrome as he finds himself on the outside eyeing young Debbie and overcome with lust. But there is a reason he sits by the window with a good cup of joe. His eyes hit the flower shop and its needy owner. Meanwhile, romance hits him full in the face and as for the sack of coal, I nearly hit the floor laughing! But Ed’s got other business to attend to and its ten past four. Fists flying and regurgitated chips makes Ed a happy man.

I think you have really livened up these chapters well. Its a very entertaining read, chapters are just the right length and the descriptions are first-rate. We know where we are, smelling the stench of the slop down to the rosy scent of a freshly showered Debbie.

I enjoyed the scene in the flower shop so much. Ed puts all to rights and asks nothing in return except a bunch of roses for a special girl. Nice touch!

Nits, very few. Just a few typos and missing words. I left some behind in the beginning chapters but here’s two in Chapter 7:

“Well if (it) aint our Kate,”

Its bloody murder today up there, crowds everywhere.(”)

Some commas might need to be revised.

I also think this would make a sensational screenplay. In the meantime, high stars. Just loved it! Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A well-woven, realistic storyline. Ed is a strong, complex central character. I want to see how things turn out for him. Your descriptions enrich and deepen your scenes. There's plenty of tension in this chapter. The pacing is edgy.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) 'He weighed 240lb of pure muscle ... ' Spell out 'lb' and make it plural.
2) Hyphenate 'twenty four.'
3) 'The bastard.' He said to himself, ... Comma after 'bastard' and 'he' should be lowercase. 'He said' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue/thought, the last sentence of the dialogue/thought is punctuated with a comma and the first word of the dialogue tag is lowercase.
4) ' ... told the dregs of society that it was six thirty am.' 'Six thirty am' should be 'six thirty a.m.'
5) 'SLOP OUT!' There's no need to write in all caps. Writing in all caps is unusual and it pulls the reader out of your story while they try to figure out what you mean to imply with all caps. You don't want that. Use italics and/or an exclamation mark to emphasize words. There are more cases where you write in all caps in this chapter.
6) 'The forlorn look on faces of the other three unfortunates stood out as ... ' Insert 'the' before 'faces.'
7) "You'll speak when you're spoken to from now on and NOT before, is that clear?" The same screw said. 'The' should be lowercase. 'The same screw said' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the first word of the dialogue tag is lowercase.
8) 'Won't be long now Mum, he thought, we're nearly there.' Comma after 'now.' When you address someone, offset their name or title with commas.

I hope these comments help you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Good luck with this book, Neville. I'm sure it will do well.

Bless you.

Al

great pace
great narrative, dialogue
briiliant idea told very well indeed making this a very good book
backed
read SEASONS...

I love crime fiction so was drawn to this. I will most certainly try to read it soon. Sounds good. If you get the chance to look at my upload........Terrible Tales from Ireland, I'd be happy to hear your thoughts!
Good luck with the site, I only joined yesterday. Sarah