The Pioneer

An excellent, well written book with good narrative and engaging story. The pitch is well constructed with fascinating description. Really an interesting and hooking book. Highly starred.

The Pioneer has one of the best pitches I've read on Authonomy. I like the description of "an unequal friendship," and of Oliver, "but he too has a history, and his mind is unquiet." The book does not disappoint, from the discussion about "psychology of crowds," to the surreal experiment in Pompeii. I'm speculating the other chapters may explore whether Thomas is Oliver's schizophrenic illusion, and more details about the experiment. Readers expecting a fast-paced psychological/paranormal thriller may feel bogged down by the intellectual discussion in the beginning chapter, but it worked for me. Backed.
Rosalind Barden
American Witch

THE PIONEER
Wow. This is a powerful book. I visited Rome and Naples and Pompeii last summer so opened this to share the excitement of those cities. And found myself enjoying the project between Thomas and Oliver just as much. Using Pompeii as a setting for the shooting was inspired. The whole idea makes this a good read. I’m adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Okay, I have read four chapters and you have definitely whetted my appetite. There is no doubt you write very well. I'm not a fan of Lit/Fic but I have indulged a fair few on here and yours certainly lives up there with the best of them. It's a shame HC doesn't have a genre for Psychological Thriller because this work SCREAMS Psycho thriller and I think it would fit nicely into that category.

Just in passing - you commented that my book is graphic and sadistic - but to me, what you have here is much more frightening .. it invades my fears of such things as schizophrenia, which has been lavishly and baldly portrayed in the written word - used and distorted to bring the imagination to a place where no-one (well I don't) really wants to be. Which do you prefer - 'In your face' as opposed to 'leave it to your imagination'? I guess the jury's out on that one :)

Just a few things:

C1 - the first bit of dialogue lost me ... wondered where 'George' came from and had to read over - still not sure if he was the other 'boy' but common sense says he has to be.
- Liked the conversation re: telepathy - something, which has always interested me and the main reason that has kept me reading ... I think Chris (below) has some valid points but I like the premise so far.

C2 - Er ... you lost me here but I'm still reading :)

C3 - I jotted down some typos etc .. if you want them I'll send them in a message, let me know. The line re: 'strangled the cat' - scary and left me wondering 'did he actually strangle the cat?'
- 'Susurrus' - great word, had to look it up :D

C4 - Back to Sonya. I do like the writing it flows well, kept my attention but I'm not sure where it's going and when I opened up on C5 you're giving me more characters. And here I am wanting to know what Oliver's up to and where Thomas is now.

You certainly have my attention, Philip, so I'll continue. Heavy going though so a few more chapters tomorrow.

Happy Christmas, Mate.

Mick

Thanks Chris, I may need to explain the experiment a bit more...it does seem OTT so I have to convince readers there was no other option. Appreciate your comment, and will work on clarity...a few people have brought that up.

Phil

Right, I don't know what to make of this. To begin with I was going to bin it for its lack of action but then there was something about the writing that kept me with it. Poetic in places, great description/imagery and certaintly the reflection of a good English education.

Your ordinary reader might not like it though, too many words with more that two syllables in and most readers like it kept basic. Not my view, I like your writing. Had to get a dictionary at times but so what, it's educational. I don't know why he had 'no one to talk to' on a ferry full of people. Do you mean he was fearful to talk to any one.

I don't get this shoot me stuff to try and prove a theory. He could have been shot in the heart or lung and died and for what? One person doing one thing does not prove a theory, a thousand people doing it with the same results does not prove a theory. For every psychologist telling you one thing, you have others telling you another. Unless of course it means something else. I'm not from university so there's loads of stuff I don't get. The first rule of shoot club... No?

I will back your story Philip because you are one class writer. If you can keep a reader entertained when there's not much happening, you'll be dynamite with explosive dramas. Thanks for looking at my story and your comments. Like a world apart in terms of culture but I really enjoyed The Pioneer.

Philip check out your book cover page write up thingy. 'As Thomas ages permaturely wasted by 'is' talent..'

Good luck Philip, what a great writer you are.

And by the way, if you read books you're qualified to give criticism as far as I'm concerned!

All points well taken Stacey. The pitch needs clarification, plus some POV issues. Appreciate your attention and understand your reservations.

Phil

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Philip - a return read, and I apologise for the time it’s taken me.

Pitches: a little confusing, if I’m honest, mostly due to the character simply being referred to as the narrator. Ah - I get my problem. You talk about the narrator but then you write from Thomas’ POV and it’s Thomas who’s narrating your pitch, not your narrator. I hope that makes sense…

Having read through a chapter, it’s clear I’m not qualified to review this type of work. It’s absolutely literary fiction and not something I find easy to read or understand. I’m intrigued because you let slip enough in the pitch for me to anticipate the gun experiment, but I think you could do with explaining things just a little more clearly in your opening chapter. I’m sure I’m not the only person to skim read chunks of dialogue about obtuse theories, so it needs to be clear that Thomas is talking about mind over matter and that emotions in one person can lead to an opposite emotion in someone else. It was only with the end paragraph that I understood it, and then it felt as though you’d tacked it on purely to explain to the dumb reader (i.e. me!) what had happened. I think it would work if you could explain the theory more clearly in their discussion, and then the reader would know what had happened for themselves.

I’m sorry I can’t give more of a review, but this just isn’t my type of book. I need instantly recognisable characters I can identify with. I was hoping to identify with your narrator (having experience with mental ill-health) but even your description of his schizophrenia was confusing to me.
Best of luck with this.

Philip - a return read, and I apologise for the time it’s taken me.

Pitches: a little confusing, if I’m honest, mostly due to the character simply being referred to as the narrator. Ah - I get my problem. You talk about the narrator but then you write from Thomas’ POV and it’s Thomas who’s narrating your pitch, not your narrator. I hope that makes sense…

Having read through a chapter, it’s clear I’m not qualified to review this type of work. It’s absolutely literary fiction and not something I find easy to read or understand. I’m intrigued because you let slip enough in the pitch for me to anticipate the gun experiment, but I think you could do with explaining things just a little more clearly in your opening chapter. I’m sure I’m not the only person to skim read chunks of dialogue about obtuse theories, so it needs to be clear that Thomas is talking about mind over matter and that emotions in one person can lead to an opposite emotion in someone else. It was only with the end paragraph that I understood it, and then it felt as though you’d tacked it on purely to explain to the dumb reader (i.e. me!) what had happened. I think it would work if you could explain the theory more clearly in their discussion, and then the reader would know what had happened for themselves.

I’m sorry I can’t give more of a review, but this just isn’t my type of book. I need instantly recognisable characters I can identify with. I was hoping to identify with your narrator (having experience with mental ill-health) but even your description of his schizophrenia was confusing to me.
Best of luck with this.

Philip - a return read, and I apologise for the time it’s taken me.

Pitches: a little confusing, if I’m honest, mostly due to the character simply being referred to as the narrator. Ah - I get my problem. You talk about the narrator but then you write from Thomas’ POV and it’s Thomas who’s narrating your pitch, not your narrator. I hope that makes sense…

Having read through a chapter, it’s clear I’m not qualified to review this type of work. It’s absolutely literary fiction and not something I find easy to read or understand. I’m intrigued because you let slip enough in the pitch for me to anticipate the gun experiment, but I think you could do with explaining things just a little more clearly in your opening chapter. I’m sure I’m not the only person to skim read chunks of dialogue about obtuse theories, so it needs to be clear that Thomas is talking about mind over matter and that emotions in one person can lead to an opposite emotion in someone else. It was only with the end paragraph that I understood it, and then it felt as though you’d tacked it on purely to explain to the dumb reader (i.e. me!) what had happened. I think it would work if you could explain the theory more clearly in their discussion, and then the reader would know what had happened for themselves.

I’m sorry I can’t give more of a review, but this just isn’t my type of book. I need instantly recognisable characters I can identify with. I was hoping to identify with your narrator (having experience with mental ill-health) but even your description of his schizophrenia was confusing to me.
Best of luck with this.

I would agree with the commenter below. This is definitely literary fiction.
It's deep, with a lot of emotional involvement.
It also sounds quite unique to me. Your voice in the story that is.
There were a few sentences I found hard to understand, but I'm sure they'd be easily fixed upon editing.
For now I've concentrated on the story itself which is a very interesting theme.
You've told this in such a way I have no idea where you are going with it, but that's a plus.
Predictibility is boring in a story.
I wish you good luck with your book.

Your writing is terrific, especially for a literary fiction style. I know you listed this as a thriller, but it's should be packaged as literary. You have a great depth in your characters and interesting conversations. I'm interested to see how these characters grow.

Your writing is mostly clean, but I found a few small things.

Use hyphenation: “…hold the ten-inch pony tail together.”

Add comma: “You found one then,” I said.

When you say, “The gun, in his hand, was rendered unpredictable.” It’s hard to understand what you mean. A guy is predictable in that, one squeezes the trigger and then it fires. I think you need another word here.

When he discovers Thomas all of as sudden standing beside him, why doesn't he immediately ask where he has been? That would seem to be the normal reaction, instead of asking him out for a coffee. Was there a reason he didn't ask him right away?

You've done a great job. I'm happy to back it.

Brian Bandell
Mute

Chapter 1 draws the reader in with its complexity and staging for what is to come. This is heady writing and there are sufficient questions and intrigue to push the reader to keep gong. I loved the ending line of the first section..."I am safe now, and choose not to stir the poisonous contents of the cauldron that is my mind, barely settled since Pamphyllia's exit " (I am not sure about the reference to Pamphylia as being an ancient province of Asia Minor).
The description of mingling..."with the guests of a wedding in Rome's Piazza Campodigliano " is well-crafted and gives the reader a feeling of the setting and the people, then the patch of grass by the Castel San Angelo and dozing off. "A presence awoke me" is another signal to the depth of the action which is to come at the hostel dining hall.
Although the description of Naples was again well constructed and enjoyable to read, it was gone and I had to ask myself why we went there other than for color. Then the meeting of Thomas in Pompeii and the shooting draws the reader to go forward.
Sonya enters the story and I was mesmerized by your use of language. I very much enjoyed how you described her, her situation, and her temporary profession (I hope) without crude descriptions, almost in passing, but not misunderstood.
I pickup up what seemed to be an uncompleted thought about 2/3 through Chapter 1: "We until eight o'clock."
This is well written and forces the reader to participate at a high level of understanding, which is something I aspire to. I am backing this work Phillip as I believe it deserves much attention, and I will continue to read all you have posted.

A small group of young people bond over their super-powers and face shared dangers is a good premise that has been at the heart of many successful stories. I had the sense that the relationship between Thomas and the narrator in Chapter One had a romantic undercurrent. The juxtaposition between the young men in Europe and the girl, Sonya, in India is a very good one, and makes me curious how they will come together. If you've made the reader curious what will happen next, then you've done a very important part of the writer's job.

Chapter One could use a little tightening up, I think.

The pitch really drew me in and your writing was just as good. Definitely backed!

Philip,

I really enjoyed reading the opening chapter from 'The Pioneer.' Here are my thoughts. I found this to be a very stylish and accomplished piece of writing. You've struck a good balance between dropping background information to the reader - intriguing hooks about your protagonist's condition prior to his trip - without detracting from the natural pace and development of the story. You have a sharp observational touch and attention to detail, and do a fine job of evoking scene, especially in Italy. The meeting with Thomas and subsequent conversation, culminating in the experiement with the gun in Naples, makes the reader want to read on.

On the strength of this first chapter (and your pitches - long and short - which are both excellent) 'The Pioneer' looks to be a highly original and engaging novel. Your writing is polished throughout. I only picked up one typo 'Christ, your (you're) a bit sharp...' and I think, when writing in the first person 'mother' should be 'Mother'. That said, a first rate opening. Happy to give you my backing.

Best of luck with your writing.

NA 'The Butterfly and the Wheel'