Book Jacket

 

rank 5457
word count 18966
date submitted 25.11.2008
date updated 10.02.2009
genres: Fiction, Popular Culture, Comedy
classification: universal
incomplete

PAYDOCKED PARK

Patrick

A series of comedy scripts set in sporting venues.

 

The setting for these scripts will be various sporting venues including fictional racecourse ‘Paydocked Park’. The racecourse executive board has given a contract to local events company, Smooth Run Events who are responsible for Car-Parking or Traffic Management as they like to call it and Ticket Selling or the more technical term, admission control.

The events company will be responsible for co-coordinating these activities for the 3-day ‘Paydocked Park’ festival. The idea is to have three half hour comedy shows covering the whole festival culminating in the last day and episode which will feature the big race, ‘The Docked Donkey Derby’.

The overview of the comedy will be the complete incompetence of all members of staff in the running of the event. The comedy will feature the manager’s struggle against certain members of the staff who have absolutely no motivation to work and who are only turning up for a handy weeks pay.

The comedy will alternate between the company’s main office, the ticket selling office and the car parking area.

The comic heart of the play will feature the characters Billy and Paddy who will often be cracking jokes and getting up the backsides of the management.

 
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tags

comedy, fiction, popular culture

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11 comments

 

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Pierre Van Rooyen wrote 1182 days ago



Dear Patrick,


I have read through your script and can see the skill involved and that you know what you’re doing. It looks very professional.

Paydocked Park is on my bookshelf.

I must apologize however that I don’t know how to critique it, except that I recognize good dialogue when I see it.

So if there is anything wrong in there, boy, you gonna hafta fix it yourself.

I take it you are submitting to literary agents who specialize in TV scripts.

Go well with your script-writing.

And have fun,


Pierre.

ChrisX wrote 1202 days ago

Paddy
I picked up on your book browsing other comments. I have a natural-conversation style, so important for scripts. I read Paydocked and could imagine this on the TV. Some little typos that need a thorough re-read, but apart from that, as a script you have something here. There's some advice on the forum about wriiting scripts that might be worth checking out - frmo a successful script writer on the site. Unfortunately I can't recall his screen name!
Good luck with this. On my shelf!
ChrisX
I DARE YOU

RoseRed wrote 1202 days ago

Hi Patrick
Have at last got round to returning reads! Was interested in yours as I have written scripts myself. I like the title & the setting - don't think a racecourse has been done before. Should be a rich mine of quirky characters.
However, the first thing I 'd say is that you need to format your script properly. It is difficult to make head or tail of the characters, dialogue and action as it is, and if it's not professionally set out, no comedy editor will read it. If you are thinking of sending it off, you can download ScriptSmart from the BBC Writersroom website - it's a really excellent tool, and they have hints and tips on scriptwriting, too. Some good pointers from those, which I think you need to bear in mind - there needs to be a definite plot with a problem & a resolution, not just a situation - there should be really good differentiation between characters - and at least two laughs per page. (Not contrived, not overworked, just people being naturally funny, by missing the point etc.) Hope this helps - let me know if you do any editing or if you want me to send a sample page of script to see how it looks -

Cheers

Frankie

tiggertoo wrote 1205 days ago

Hi Patrick
Not sure how I ended up here, but intrigued I read Paydocked. You have a tallent for conversation (I guess that explains the script syle rather than novel). The characters are rich and come alive. Good job! It's always hard to read the humour in a script (well I find it tough), but you managed to amuse me (hey it's very early morning so that's pretty good).
Some things I would question:
* There's a "were" somewhere that I thought should be "where" but it could be the accent!
* "spot on big land." - should this be "lad"?
* Lots of words capitalised (may be a script thing, but it's not consistent. E.g. I one line it's "Pleasant tone" and in the next it's "Anne's Tone"
* Michael: "Did I" - ? missing
* "The howls of the horses..." - "howls"?
* and then "...can vaguely be heard..." - split infinitive. Should be "..can be vaguely heard."
Hey these are minor nit picks. This is interesting stuff and you could be a real tallent in the making. I'll watch out for your name on TV!
Murray: (In West Country accent) "There you go, moi luver. Up on that shelf you go."
Please take a look at The Jin Deception. Not very amusing but (hopefully) a damn good thriller.
Murray

maza wrote 1227 days ago

Patrick if you get a chance have a look at Daddy's Little Spy.

maza wrote 1234 days ago

Hi Patrick,

How are you?

Derds wrote 1242 days ago

Great scripts!!! We need more writers like you!!!!

maza wrote 1268 days ago

Hey Paddy,

How's it going?

Elijah Enyereibe Iwuji wrote 1269 days ago

Hi Paddy,
I have read chapter 1 of your book otherwise known as episode 1 and the script sound interesting and funny. This is actually my kind of stuff and it interest me alot as read and enjoy the story. Are you suppose to use the term Act 1 scene 1, or Episode 1 scene 1? Does the camera movement follow the script along with the actions, or written seperate and handed over to the Director of the drama? Anyway Paddy, you have a good work here but remember to check some typos and put punctuations at the end of statements. To be honest, its a well written script and worth looking at. Will come back to continue.

maza wrote 1274 days ago

Patrick,

you need to advertise more.

maza wrote 1275 days ago

Hi Patrick,

Glad you got your scripts on. Have a look at I laughed the Day I Died and The Last Summer.
Good Luck.

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