The Color of Red (#1)

I read through the first two chapters and you have a wonderful gift for painting vivid pictures on the page. Your imagery is amazing. I am usually not a big fan of long drawn out description but I loved the way you put yours together. It read like poetry! Your dialogue is smooth and your narratives are spot on. This is truly a beautiful piece of writing. Thanks. High stars on this one.

Just finished reading 4 chapters - only meant to read 2! I loved it. I love all the red names, even the soldier is dressed in red! Its a fun read, and reminds me of an Agatha Christie. Very cool! I didn't find any errors, typos, even awkward sentences...nothing! Great job, great writing. I'll keep it on my WL and read more when I have time! I have six starred it! :-) And I love the cover. The black and white is inspired- I'm assuming- by the detective's vision but it also subtly alludes to the time period.
Good luck!

Currently editing and reviewing comments by readers. Getting ready for the re-print by a new publisher. I thank everyone who has taken time to help out. Once this is finished I will continue work on the sequel.

Here is a locked room mystery told in classic, turn-of-the-century manner, and well-told at that. The protagonist is Detective Inspector Danforth Rouge, and the colour red pops up repeatedly. If anyone ever doubted this author is visual, this story demonstrates Jules' descriptive style and sense of colour. Colours… Rouge, Redden, Rose, Scarlette… they're everywhere. And, ironically, the detective is colour blind.

The author categorises the story as YA, but I think it's potential audience is both broader and deeper than many a YA novel.

I'm happy to back this well-written story.

A study in scarlet, indeed. At first I was reminded of Nathaniel Hawthorne, particularly, of course, 'The Scarlet Letter', and I began to search for clues of character weakness or lack of a moral sense that would guide me to the murderer. Then I began to notice how subtly you introduce the colour red into your narrative - naming the main characters Redden, Rouge, Rose, Scarlette - and the final scene in the blood-soaked butcher's shop became filmic [I was reminded of Peter Greenaway's 'The Cook, the Thief, his Wife and her Lover' in which the same moral vaccuum seems to pervade the atmosphere. Finally, I came to your challenge - to construct my own conclusion. All seem equally plausible. I am no Sherlock Holmes, but this is a most diverting read. Thank you, yours, Pan.

Very descriptive. Happy to back your work. Hope you have a chance to look at Dark Side by CC Brown. Good Luck!
Sue50

Exciting Book!
You have a vivid imagination and you put a lot of thought into what you wanted to write. It is like moving through a movie. The camera panning from this object to that. The sounds coming alive.
You develop everything so very well.
You have a great gift of words and imagination.
Amazing work!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

So you're saying the FBI were involved all along and the old man was really married to a grizzly bear who was disguised as a priest?

Not sure where this came from. I found it amusing as it is unrelated to anything. Probably a sock but thank you nonetheless for that bit of humor. :)

So you're saying the FBI were involved all along and the old man was really married to a grizzly bear who was disguised as a priest?

A good book done in the classic noir style. Intriguing plot. Please review my book as well when you have time.
Damon Stentz

I enjoyed the cleverness of the story. The lengthy discriptions are wonderful, but distracted me here and there from the story. I will be back to read further into the story. I am intrigued by the Inspector and his abilities. Great charaterizations and overall a good read.

The like the Valentine theme you chose as title. But actual narrative far from it. That make reading interesting

I admire the effort you put into your description. Its clear you put your foot into the readers. that's good

cont.

I’d put a new line/start new para at ‘As he kicked a pebble’ → we go from ‘thought action’ to ‘physical action’, so I think needs to be visibly broken up on the page. Then I’d put a comma after ‘Instead’

I’d write; ‘A river flowed near the middle of the town, and small as it was, Rouge knew a little rain could turn it into a raging force. He passed over the old stone bridge, in that moment reminded of the afternoons spent with his father… The two of them, sitting on a wooden bench, gazing down the rocky stream, watching the sun set in the distance.’

New para for ‘Rouge stood still’ and I’d write as follows: ‘Rouge stood still, leaning on the railing and watching the water flow underneath the bridge. Its rippling swirls sucked him into their depths, and brought memories of his childhood swimming to the forefront of his mind.’

suggestions cont.

I’d perhaps insert more dialogue modifiers in Rouge’s interaction with Madame Scarlette. Also… I just noticed, is it correct to say Madame, because she is unmarried? What about Mademoiselle ??

I’d put ‘The madame scolded Rouge with a slap across his face.’ Or else, comma after ‘Rouge’ – to break up the two actions

I’d say ‘Frozen to the spot where he had met… Rouge watched her trot stylishly down the street, forcing anyone in her way to step off the sidewalk into the wet gutter so that she could pass.’

Chapter 3 suggestions :)

I’d say ‘No harm done,’ the young maiden said with a wink, acutely aware of the inspector staring at her. Eyes of endless pride echoed across her brow, whilst delicate dark hair cascaded down and framed the fair complexion of her face.
→ again, flow better? I think flow is important here, especially as you use the word ‘cascade’
THEN we can have some shorter sentences as you have in the rest of the para → just need to constantly make sure there is variation and rhythm, as opposed to 1) overload of short sentences or 2) overload of long, flowing sentences. Striking the balance is always important!

{The Colour of Red} – Jules Haigler
Chapter 3:

I’m casually back again, neglecting my duties of reviewing other books, because this is fabulous :P

Love the images in this opening para; ‘Its four impressive towers stood like mighty warriors protecting their king’ :) – I also like how this is linked with the woman being described as a ‘queen’s soldier’ at the end of the chapter. Marvellous! These subtle things, even if readers don’t notice, create depth and mystery to your writing

I’d just suggest a sentence merger here --- ‘Its four impressive towers stood like mighty warriors protecting their king; Dr Redden had been right, for the mansion clearly did resemble an ancient fortress.’ → more flow?

I like how in this chapter there is development of the character Rouge. Loved the portrayal of Madame Scarlette too, and her snobbishness making the people step off the pavement for her :P

Okay I have more suggestions but I'm getting an 'error' when trying to upload the full comment :S I'll try and split it :)

Cara

{The Colour of Red} – Jules Haigler
Chapter 3:

I’m casually back again, neglecting my duties of reviewing other books, because this is fabulous :P

Love the images in this opening para; ‘Its four impressive towers stood like mighty warriors protecting their king’ :) – I also like how this is linked with the woman being described as a ‘queen’s soldier’ at the end of the chapter. Marvellous! These subtle things, even if readers don’t notice, create depth and mystery to your writing

I’d just suggest a sentence merger here --- ‘Its four impressive towers stood like mighty warriors protecting their king; Dr Redden had been right, for the mansion clearly did resemble an ancient fortress.’ → more flow?

I like how in this chapter there is development of the character Rouge. Loved the portrayal of Madame Scarlette too, and her snobbishness making the people step off the pavement for her :P

Okay I have more suggestions but I'm getting an 'error' when trying to upload the full comment :S I'll try and split it :)

Cara

{The Colour of Red} – Jules Haigler
Chapter 2:

A great chapter, charged with emotion. I love the way you begin by having the narrator observe the guests at the party – how the tone is more clinical and detached. Then, we transit to the passionate Rose, and conflict is well introduced.

My detailed suggestions—hope these will be useful!

I’d suggest the following rewording; ‘Fancy-dressed folk filled the mansion, all dancing off the walls with wealth. The band played, people laughed, and I sat quietly on the couch with my brother and a group of friends.’ → eliminates the passive voice, especially in this opening para to the chapter. You have such a lively scene, I feel it needs to be active!

I’d just say ‘My nephew did not socialize with anyone and soon left, unnoticed.’ → eliminates the repetition of the second ‘anyone’ in the sentence

I’d say ‘The other guests included…’ instead of ‘amongst the other guests was’… Actually I think this para needs a bit of work to make it flow smoother. In one way you are listing the guests – but I don’t think that the narrative can read as a simple list, because you are also including details about the guests.

So what about something like: (for the beginning of the second para)
‘Only a few guests were of notable importance, in my view. One was the boy’s fiancé, Madame Scarlette, who spent the time chatting with her associates and dining on tea and hotcakes. Occasionally, she would get up to go to visit the powder room.
My nephew was also present, although he didn’t socialize and soon left, without anyone noticing. -→ somehow I feel we need more info about the nephew, in order for the transition to work better, perhaps?

Para ‘at 10.30’ there is slight ambiguity – because we go from men entering the parlour room, to women sealing themselves away, then back to the men. I’d reorder to eliminate confusion, as follows:
‘The women stayed seated in the den, while the men made for the parlour room carrying cigars and brandy. As we sealed ourselves away…’ → In this order, we don’t flip from men/women/men – it is a more progressive flow, as we follow the men and they seal themselves away

I’d reword as follows; ‘In curiosity, I leant against the door frame and tapped the door ajar. Through that crack I spotted my nephew, though he remained oblivious to my presence.’

Then ‘I watched as he paced swiftly across the room, biting his knuckles as he did so.’ → removes passive ‘was pacing’, and makes the action associated with your narrator, as he is the one observing!

A little bit of repetition in the para ‘A young girl entered the library’ → I’d reword as follows:
‘A young girl entered the library, her slender body and exquisite features drawing a gasp from between my lips. I knew she was not on the guest list, but if it were up to me I would have invited her in a heartbeat. The beautiful red curls bouncing over her shoulders reminded me of a rose, a rose that had…’

Then last sentence of the para; it is unclear who is smiling, so may need a comma/reword

I’d just say; ‘As their lips separated, the girl grabbed my nephew’s arm and pulled him towards the secret door. “Let’s…. tonight,” she murmured, her voice thick with passion.’
→ the bit ‘the girl asked’ doesn’t make sense because she’s not asking a question. Then I just got carried away with describing her voice :P

sentence ‘Forcing my body to not react…’ I’d change to this → ‘Forcing my body to remain rigid, I continued to listen.’ – or else change order to say ‘body not to react’, but for me it’s a little clumsy. Also ‘remain rigid’ has some nice alliteration, if you like it?

New line for ‘Rose turned around’ – the subject changes so we need a para break. I’d also put a dialogue modifier when Rose speaks → ‘What?’ she whispered in disbelief, before her voice rose with ferocity. ‘You promised that we would….

New line for ‘Rose reached out and struck…’(again, change of subject)

The scene with Dr Redden is very well written, couldn’t pick up any suggestions. I think you use the dialogue well, and there are just enough dialogue modifiers. Excellent pace and end to the chapter!

Have a fabulous day! :)
Cara
The Awakening: Dawn of Destruction

Firstly I do like the tale you tell and I feel it is a brave man who takes on such a read about this era as it is so well published. The story carries through and creates an interesting list of characters and dilemmas. I was initially put off by some of the wording
‘I must fix this someday’ ‘I must fix this’ is stronger. Why bother mentioning it if its unimportant and can be done someday but not immediately. It’s a redundant word that pokes you out of the story
As does
Found you, he internally announced. That is a very strange thing to describe – internally announced – Found you - he thought delighted - relieved –excitedly
Just my opinion

Best of luck with it

This is something special. Jules, you capture me as soon as you open the chapter. I found no major typos, errors. If this gets published, I want a copy!

Deliciously enjoyable!! I'm reading some more using wifi on my phone :) nothing better to finish off a day -- looking at some French chateaux, a few glasses of "red" wine, and a good book!!
I'll comment more in depth when I get back of course... Just thought I'd leave one now anyway! If there is one thing I'd suggest is to look up all the times you use 'was' or 'were' and try to eliminate that passive voice!! Michael Dale on Authonomy pointed that out to me for my book and a rewrite made it that touch better I think!
I do like how you have all those "red" references... in names etc :D quite nicely done! Also the scene with Rose in C2.. emotive and passionate dialogue, caputured it well. I was right there feeling their pain and love. Damn it makes me remember things... oh you have a good skill to bring the reader right in. Well done :)
Cara

good writing...and a good book....narrative and dialogue work well hear.
...and backed.
read SEASONS...

{The Colour of Red 1} – Jules Haigler
Chapter 1:
Wow, as I started to read this I was immediately captivated by the atmosphere you create; right from the beginning, some lovely imagery that truly makes the reader quiver and tremble! My favourite ‘Shrivelled leaves and withered petals curved with stems towards a burning candle hoping to catch alight.’ Only may I humbly suggest ‘their’ instead of ‘with’ and a comma after candle, to create more variation and pace?

There is a sense of mystery developed. Your writing is very smooth – I’d almost call it luxurious!

I like how the man is unnamed to begin – heightens the mood. Then, we only just get to know him… and bang! He is dead – the death scene is chilling. I also like how the candle is blown out… the light snuffed out, as the old man’s life is.

Great how we then transit from night to day, and once again there is a mysterious figure – a ‘stranger’.

Dialogue is well handled in this section, and a good way to lead into the story…!! :)

Overall, excellent. I also noticed in your profile you say that your books are ‘filled with hidden symbolism and meaning’. And I think this is so very true – this chapter is absolutely delicious! It is clear you do write with vivid descriptions, which you manage to pull off skilfully. I look forward to seeing where this leads, and trying to uncover all those little clues you leave!

Now I just got a few humble little suggestions for you, I hope they’ll be useful!

Opening para: sentence ‘From deep within the house’ to me feels a bit odd, because we go from ‘hearing’ the sound of the clock, to seeing the vase, and the two don’t seem to interlink. How about something like:
“From deep within the house, a clock chimed the late hour. The ringing sound pierced the stillness and made the dead flowers in a Chinese vase quiver slightly. Shrivelled leaves…”

Second para: how about
“Placing his hands on the doorknob and turning it gently, the elderly man gave a push. He breathed in deeply as he entered his dark study, a comforting feeling filling the crevices in his heart.” – the words ‘doorknob’ and ‘door’ close together give a repetitive feeling. As for the rest, just a suggestion to further build atmosphere ;)

Same again in next para, the word ‘key’ is repeated twice, and it has already been referred to twice in the prev. para – so maybe restructure?
You could say
“While twisting the key loosely in the lock, it slipped from his trembling hand…”
Then “Damn!” fussed the man as he stooped with difficulty to pick the key up.

Para ‘Removing a match…’ I’d reword sentence to read: “His bloodshot eyes and constricting pupils stared into the bright… …. last illumination they would ever see.” (we know you are referring to ‘eyes’ because this is the subject of the sentence- so can eliminate repetition of the word!

After the break:
I’d just say “Night ended” – more active
You also say ‘as a ray of sun’ and next sentence ‘as the sun rose’. Try eliminating repetition of ‘as’ – maybe just ‘The sun rose higher into the sky, and light broke through a barrier in the clouds. Like water breaking from a damn…’ (p.s. love this imagery here!) – also just using the word ‘light’ in second sentence eliminates repetition of the word ‘sunlight’

All the best, I look forward to reading more
Sincerely, Cara

Chapter Two,

I like the pace much better here - and the descriptions are just enough to feed the imagination, without overpowering the story.

A couple of typos I spotted - watch where it should be watched (third para from end) and contempt where it should be content (same section),

Only other suggestion would be to double check some of the terms - I'm no expert, as I said before, but it is one of my favourite periods in our history. What jumped out at me was that I've never heard the term Den used to describe where people would withdraw to after dinner. British society would have seen the Ladies retiring from dinner, usually to the drawing room, and the men staying at the table (which is cleared) to drink, talk, and smoke.

It is a minor point that doesn't affect your story, but worth double checking before some historian gets vitriolic on you for getting it wrong! They can be very unforgiving of very simple things.

Hope you are finding my comments useful - I will try to get to the next couple of chapters over the weekend if they are.

Hello Jules,

I promised a while ago that I would read and comment on The Color of Red, and I have finally got to you on my watchlist. This is only my personal opinion, feel free to ignore it as I am by no means an expert, just a reader giving my viewpoint.

Unfortunately as I write, you appear to be editing the book, as having read Chapter One, I cna't read any more as autho is telling me that the book is locked for editing :(

You set the scene well, and at the end of this Chapter you have caught my attention enough for me to want to continue reading, so it is a great start.

Although I am enjoying it, and will read more when autho lets me, I find that the scene setting is a little too detailed all at once. While the setting is beautiful, and the language very evoking, they fall into quite large chunks, which for me breaks the story up. I would like to see more of the story up front, with the descriptions scattered between so that it helps with the pace.

My only other comment at this stage would be that as the book is set in Great Britain, the use of American-English spellings jarred it for me - but as I am English that may be because they are not the way I would spell things.

A great start, and I will return to read more.

Rose

Hi Jules,
I read some of this about a month and half ago and decided to come back and read more. I wanted to see what you've done with it. I really like The Color of Red. Good mystery book with fantastic descriptions. You're one of those writers who creates vivid images that bring the setting, scenes, and characters to life. Well-done. I hope you'll add more chapters. I stopped reading where you said Under Construction.

Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

I loved the cover and the pitch immediately. I am also impressed with your writing style...very evocative and flowing. All I can say other than that is...in the first few paragraphs when the old man talks to himself, (and we know it's to himself) I'd specify that he's talking to himself.
The slightly formal tone is charming. I'm going to star highly, and will come back to read more soon.

I think you have the Victorian melodrama style off very well. I'm not sure about 1940s, I would say it reads as if from an earlier period than that. 1940s would be war time, a different sort of feel I think. It reminds me of Wilkie Collins, Conan Doyle etc. Very atmospheric and very visual. Should appeal to adult or any age. An exciting story. Watchlisted to read more.

Jules,
I was drawn to your book, the nuiances you give the lead (Rouge) are clever and well done. I like the mystery and suspense you build right from the get go. I'm impressed. Can't wait to see where else it goes. Great couple of first chapters, I will have to come back for more when I get an opportunity. I would say that, although you do a fantastic job of stimulating all of my senses, I feel at times there were too many descriptors. You write beautifully, I would just say it needs to tone down a little or else the reader gets slightly distracted from the plot by trudging through so many adjectives. Otherwise, I think this would be a read I'd grab from any shelf to settle in for some intrigue.

If you'd like to check out War of the Wastelands I'd appreciate anything you'd have to say. No worries if you are busy, just thought I'd put it out there.

Sara

This was a great read.
Your descriptive writing, in particular, is exceptional. Great job.

I just have a few little niggles with on of the lines in your pitch.


“Villains representing different evils in the human soul and unbelievably twisted mysteries fill story's interior.”
I would include commas after ‘soul’ and 'mysteries'. You’ve missed ‘the’ from between ‘fill’ and ‘story’s’. I would just say ‘fill the story’ at the end.

To nail this I think you now need to weed out wanton adjectives. The prose is just a little too exuberant, a little too excitable at times – I can talk! But some of your sentences are like a puppy sliding over a lino floor in its eagerness to communicate its vitality. I think you're kind of over imagining frames at times as if you want to bully us the reader into seeing every single detail you see. You need to trust the reader a little more. The architecture's there. The traction and suspension are great. There's lots of cleverness going on and the visuals are arrestingly imagined and depicted. The world you've created pulses with vitality. No doubt about that. Now I think editorially you have to become Scrooge. Hide some of those glittering adjectives under the floorboards.

G'day! Jules Haigler,

Congratulations in becoming a front runner this week.

Your novel has an outstanding novel approach which quickly catches the intest of the reader - and it is the sort of book that's hard to put down.

Well done.

Hang in their mate. Your big wave is a coming... much sooner than you may think...

Regards,
KEN BLOWERS
(For those who don't know: I'm the old English gent living in Australia for nearly 50 years.
I have written no novels, but I have put up six books of short stories and five books of plays.
Plus QUOTE ME : a book of 1,000 quotations, which is my most popular book so far! Here's the link:
http://www.authonomy.com/books/38541/quote-me/
And to see all the books, try this one too:
http://www.authonomy.com/managebookshelf.aspx

G'day! Jules Haigler,

Congratulations in becoming a front runner this week.

Your novel has an outstanding novel approach which quickly catches the intest of the reader - and it is the sort of book that's hard to put down.

Well done.

Hang in their mate. Your big wave is a coming... much sooner than you may think...

Regards,
KEN BLOWERS
(For those who don't know: I'm the old English gent living in Australia for nearly 50 years.
I have written no novels, but I have put up six books of short stories and five books of plays.
Plus QUOTE ME : a book of 1,000 quotations, which is my most popular book so far! Here's the link:
http://www.authonomy.com/books/38541/quote-me/
And to see all the books, try this one too:
http://www.authonomy.com/managebookshelf.aspx

Hi!

In the beginning paragraph, there is quite a lot of repetition of words and phrases ie. 'shadows' and 'from the blank'. I also think that the 'ghost made of shadows' is fairly redundant. If it's a ghost, then it's going to be transparent/ shadow-like/ wraith-like; the reader already has a sharp image in their heads and needs no further cues. "Stopping outside the door, he did not realise he was five feet away from Death" is a particularly clumsy sentence and I pick this out only because it's clearly the hook.

Lots of use of passive verbs. Be more direct because A. it's a pet peeve of pretty much any reader, publisher or agent and B. it really slows down the pace, which is clearly supposed to be tense here.

Is the repeated key dropping necessary? I also feel like this scene would be better without dialogue, as it alleviates the tension somewhat.

You don't need to describe the man halfway through the introduction because it decreases the tension and interrupts the narrative. There's also a lot of exposition here that is completely unnecessary. Focus on the here and now. Tension is so key in the mystery genre.

Right now, all of your sentences are fairly long. You might want to shorten them to speed up the pace.

I feel like the dialogue (or rather, monologue) should be internalised because right now, it's only interrupting the narrative.

I like your descriptions. They're vivid and detailed. The only thing I would suggest is to maybe integrate them better with the action in order to increase the pace of the novel.

I've only read the introduction, but I feel like there are several issues that need addressing, which is why I hesitate to go further. I like your descriptions and I like the premise - who doesn't like a good mystery? - but the pace does not match with the intended reader reaction (I'm assuming tension/ intense burning desire to read on). It seems like this is because there is a lot of passive voice, perhaps too much description (including the chunks of paragraph that pull the reader away from the immediate tension) and not enough sentence variation. I do think that this has promise, though, and I will watchlist it for now.

Hope this helps!
Georgia

I read through the first two chapters and you have a wonderful gift for painting vivid pictures on the page. Your imagery is amazing. I am usually not a big fan of long drawn out description but I loved the way you put yours together. It read like poetry! Your dialogue is smooth and your narratives are spot on. This is truly a beautiful piece of writing. Thanks. High stars on this one.

This feels like a classic, kind of like a Agatha Christie novel.

Section One of Part One:
“The old man did not realize he stood five feet from death”~I loved this line, and the counting down of how close he was to death. It really upped the tension and suspense.

The dialog tags distracting. “Vexed the man”, “fused the man,” “he cursed”
“Said” is a very invisible word that allows the dialog to speak for itself. Though these other words aren’t that bad, I’d think about employing “said” more.

The first section was very creepy and very atmospheric. I think making the murderer out as some sort of ghostly creature at the beginning was a genius idea.

Section Two of Part One
I like the description of the detective, but the last part of this bit:
“By his handsome and stern features, one could see intelligence and patience”
I don’t really like. I don’t like being told what I see in his features.

I love all the red references in the description at the pub.
I love how it’s layered the references. There’s all the things that red means, and then there’s the brandy, then there’s the Reddens, Rose, Scarlette.

“The room’s atmosphere felt as cold as death but as warm as its color.”
I think there needs to be a comma after “but”.

Here ““And what about your nephew made my journey here so urgent?” asked Rogue, feeling hesitant about drinking while on the job.”
I feel this could be made better by showing that Rogue is hesitant about drinking could work better. Such as maybe avoiding the drinking, Maybe making the first move to take a drink, but deciding against it.

““A secret entrance? Doesn’t sound too secretive to me,” puzzled Rogue…”
Loved this bit of dialog.

Chapter Two, section one:
I like that you made it like the story. It keeps it from being an info-dumpy, and goes back in time quite well without getting muddled. I like that you included Scarlette before you introduced Rose, it’s a great way of showing how complicated the situation is in just a sentence.

“Rose turned around, letting go of the boy’s arm. Her eyes filled with tears.”
That change in emotion was instant. Maybe show some hesitance in her, or post pone this until later.

““Rose,” cried the boy, “hear me out!””
(Double quotation marks, all the way.) I thought “hear me out” was a bit out of place with the rest of the dialog and the time period.

I think it’s great that you brought the story back to the uncle at the end. Nice loop effect and makes the reader ready to transition back to the pub.

Chapter Two Section Two:
“Rouge could see sweat forming on his forehead, a sign of uncomfortable position.”
I think the “…a sign of uncomfortable position” is unneeded. Most people know that it’s a sign of nervousness already and don’t need it explained.

I thought Rogue warning Redden that he was a suspect was a bit odd. I think a detective might drop a hint, maybe, but not come right out and say it. Though I don’t know Rogue well enough to say that.

““I would think not,” declared Dr. Redden, his sweat now dripping onto the table.” This is a great detail.

The quiet red-dressed soldier is such an interesting character, I think switching the attention to him was done very smoothly and that little hint about his intentions is awesome foreshadowing and creates some dramatic irony between the reader and Rogue and takes this mystery to another level.

“As Rogue paced down the street…”I thought pace was an odd verb to use and doesn’t really work. Unless Rogue is pacing, then it works.

Overall I really like this story, this style of writing is hard to pull off and you do it well.
And the whole idea of someone just seeing red is a great one. I’m a bit jealous that you came up with it. Highly starred and backed.

Really good book. I haven't read it all yet--only the first four chapters. But I can't wait to read more. Sorry my critique isn't very long. This is only my second critique.

Californiagirl

Just finished reading 4 chapters - only meant to read 2! I loved it. I love all the red names, even the soldier is dressed in red! Its a fun read, and reminds me of an Agatha Christie. Very cool! I didn't find any errors, typos, even awkward sentences...nothing! Great job, great writing. I'll keep it on my WL and read more when I have time! I have six starred it! :-) And I love the cover. The black and white is inspired- I'm assuming- by the detective's vision but it also subtly alludes to the time period.
Good luck!

I've just read the first three "chapters," and I think The Color Red is wonderfully well-written and does a great job of creating an eerie sense of mystery. One thing that confused me was what it is Rouge sees - is he colorblind but can see things that are the color red, meaning everythng but red objects are black and white, or does he see the world in shades of red? I think it would be helpful to clarify that. Also, I know I haven't gotten very far in the story, but I'm puzzled about the significance of the color red to the story. It seems to be everywhere and its presence can get heavy-handed at time (such as when Rose's hair is describe as being... a rose). Suspects, the victim, even the detective are all painted red, leading me to wonder whether there is real significance imbued in its presence or if it's just a gimmick. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that you've made the stylistic choice to make color a centerpiece of your novel, but be careful not to let it spread to far and become unfocused, because then it loses its meaning. On a more nitpicky note - "madame" usually denotes a married woman. Scarlette would be a "mademoiselle".

Of course, these are just my humblest of opinions, so feel free to ignore me completely. I have starred it for now and will continue reading.

Cheers,
M.

Thank you for reading as much as you did. The story is a study on the color red (a study in scarlet). It is meant to show the artistic and symbolic use of the color (red meaning blood, love, lust, evil, murder, etc...). As for the Inspector, I would want to tell you that he sees only red while everything is in black and white but why spoil the surprise in the sequel. It may work, it may not but I write everything for a reason to get people thinking. I am glad you pointed out that "madame" mistake. And don't worry so much about the red, it loosens up a bit after the first mystery. The color is simply put, an expression of a world of murder. No other color is ever mentioned or described for thematic reasons mainly. Inspector Rouge is a representation of a blind colorless world where only emotion is colorful. I find it fascinating how you can describe a tree without the use of color yet the mind while reading fills in the color. That is the beauty and study of my work, along with a psychological decision in the end.

I've just read the first three "chapters," and I think The Color Red is wonderfully well-written and does a great job of creating an eerie sense of mystery. One thing that confused me was what it is Rouge sees - is he colorblind but can see things that are the color red, meaning everythng but red objects are black and white, or does he see the world in shades of red? I think it would be helpful to clarify that. Also, I know I haven't gotten very far in the story, but I'm puzzled about the significance of the color red to the story. It seems to be everywhere and its presence can get heavy-handed at time (such as when Rose's hair is describe as being... a rose). Suspects, the victim, even the detective are all painted red, leading me to wonder whether there is real significance imbued in its presence or if it's just a gimmick. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that you've made the stylistic choice to make color a centerpiece of your novel, but be careful not to let it spread to far and become unfocused, because then it loses its meaning. On a more nitpicky note - "madame" usually denotes a married woman. Scarlette would be a "mademoiselle".

Of course, these are just my humblest of opinions, so feel free to ignore me completely. I have starred it for now and will continue reading.

Cheers,
M.

Currently editing and reviewing comments by readers. Getting ready for the re-print by a new publisher. I thank everyone who has taken time to help out. Once this is finished I will continue work on the sequel.

I love the depth of the narrative in the opening as it draws me onwards and takes me into the work. If a work does not have a start of this quality I find it difficult to continue. This is was gets me into a book and what I aspire to write. A good book.

Brondby Scott
Praying To Dead Gods & Kissing Like A Child

Erie start, with some very good description. Like the hammer horrors, that scared me when I was younger.
Excellent use of imagery and it uses all of the reader’s senses. Drawing them in like a fly in a web.
I started to feel dread, knowing death was close, and was wondering what would happen next.
There is tension, atmosphere, and this to your enticing style of writing, a good mixture that works well.
I love the use of the colour red and how you varied it. Like Blood-heat-pain, this shows you have a very good grasp of the written language.
This story has a lot of potential and you know your market and your readers well.
String scenes and devilish characters.
Well done.

Hi Jules,

A good intriguing read and I love the era and premise he sees only in red. This book show lots of promise and I'm high starring you.

A tweak: Your use of adverbs. Sometimes these can be overdone and not necessary if you're wanting to polish the work. And also, for me, too many adverbs are a form of lazy writing.

For instance - "The ghostly arm floated silently." If a ghost is floating, I would think it would be "silently" so that adverb is not needed and you can cut the fat.

"He breathed heavily." Instead, to leave out an adverb here and make it more interesting, you could say, "His labored breathing" "His asthmatic breathing" "His raspy breathing" "His breath was labored, like a two pack a day Camel smoker who'd tried jogging to the corner grocery for another pack." or "His breathing was so labored, anyone within a mile of hearing might think he was two steps from looking at the other side of the grass to see the promised land." You get the idea!

"...portly, wealthy looking businessman..." - Here you've used two adverbs back to back. In this case your adverbs are telling, not showing, which is the reason adverbs are lazy. Show your reader by giving a description. For example "The gentleman's pudgy fingers gripped a leather briefcase bulging with possible business contracts while his other hand wrestled with buttons threatening to pop from the coat of his Italian silk suit." This way, you know from the description he could be a business man and silk conveys the picture of wealth.

Using adverbs in dialogue is different. Characters can say anything they want to say and if they like to use lots of adverbs, that's how they talk.

But what I would do is go back through this manuscript and check every adverb that's not in dialogue. And if there's a way to reword most of them, I would do so.

I hope this helps. Use what you can of my critique and if you disagree throw out my suggestions. As we know, writing is subjective.

Love your artwork by the way and good luck with your projects. Thanks for the return read and Blessings! ~Kady Colter, Shakespeare's Pink Cadillac

I read your first three Authonomy chapters.

General comments: A gripping start. A suitably observant and wise central character. Fascinating secondary characters. Vivid imagery. Good sense of place and era. Well-executed tension. Effective pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) Good opening line. I'm hooked.
2) 'The man sighed, feeling exhausted.' Try to avoid using the word 'feeling.' Just describe his exhaustion so vividly the reader will experience it along with Master Redden. By doing this, you'll pull the reader deeper into the scene.
3) "Terrible, absolutely terrible news" Dr. Redden paused to take a sip of wine. Period after 'news.'
4) ' ... he could turn down the opportunity for a good mystery.' Do you mean 'couldn't?'
5) An excellent end of chapter hook. Who wouldn't turn the page after reading that line?

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) ' ... but I had no idea anyone else knew especially not the figure that crawled out.' 'That' should be 'who.'
2) 'The doctor looked up at Rouge who was tracing the gains in the wooden table with his fingers.' 'Gains' should be 'grains.'
3) 'Your nephew, I'm sure, has enough since than to risk such a perilous journey.' 'Since' should be 'sense.'
4) Another excellent end of chapter hook.

Specific comments on the third chapter:
1) No nits.
2) Yet another superb end of chapter hook.

I hope these comments help you further polish your all important opening pages. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Have a marvelous day.

Al

Crime/Thriller and Sub-genre Review Group
Title: The Color of Red
Author: Jules Haigier

Wow Factor (Read Speed/Enjoyment)
[06] Speed
[06] Enjoyment
[06] Interest

Literacy (Editing/Proofing/Structure)
[04] Free of (obvious) Spelling Errors
[05] Free of (obvious) Contextual Grammar Errors
[05] Free of Distracting Dialog

Story
[07] Coherent / Order
[08] Character/Subject Development

Marketing
[05] Cover Design
[08] Pitch

TOTAL
[60/100]

Comments: I read your first three Authonomy chapters. A gripping start. A suitably observant and wise central character. Fascinating secondary characters. Vivid imagery. Good sense of place and era. Well-executed tension. Effective pacing.

Star rating: 4

My grading criteria: 1=not publishable, 5=publishable, 10=exceptionally publishable

Here is a locked room mystery told in classic, turn-of-the-century manner, and well-told at that. The protagonist is Detective Inspector Danforth Rouge, and the colour red pops up repeatedly. If anyone ever doubted this author is visual, this story demonstrates Jules' descriptive style and sense of colour. Colours… Rouge, Redden, Rose, Scarlette… they're everywhere. And, ironically, the detective is colour blind.

The author categorises the story as YA, but I think it's potential audience is both broader and deeper than many a YA novel.

I'm happy to back this well-written story.

I like this.
The first part of the first chapter reads well and you have captured the tension. The 'three feet from death' etc, although prophetic, holds the reader well and urges you to read on. The descriptive prose, despite what you say in your bio is actually old-fashioned in its detail. The detail is however excellently done. The narrative prose is good and the pace entirely correct in the way you unfold the story. It surprised me a little you didn't use more detail in the description of what the bullet did to him.
Couple of points:
Your pupils constrict in a bright light, not dilate. They dilate when you are in dark - or when you die.
Maybe it should be 'flaming teardrop' as opposed to tear and the use of the word 'tear' felt ambiguous.
'Fell forwards across the desk' - otherwise it implies the whole of his body landed on the desk.
'ankle sprain caused by a deformity' - I didn't understand that one. A sprain is an acute injury, the latter is congenital.
Over all I enjoyed this, you have a great talent for writing.
Best of luck with it.

Hi Jules,

First, I'd like to say that your pitches are great. They enticed me to read your book. I've read the first three segments of The Color of Red. I'm enjoying it, and I think your writing is very good. I especially like your setting and descriptions. So very detailed that I can really see the place. Your characterizations are also wonderful, as are your dialogue and pacing.

My only criticism is about your speech tags. All of the books on writing say to limit your speech tags to 'said' or 'asked' because they are almost invisible and don't distract from the dialogue. When I read all of the less common tags used in The Color of Red, they really jumped out at me-- 'fussed the man', 'he cursed', ''answered the doctor', 'he smirked', etc. I used to use some of these too, but a literary agent friend pointed them out to me, saying that some of them were downright impossible ways to speak--'coughed Rouge', 'exhaled the master', 'This is the sign? he laughed'. You can use the simple said/asked, or even leave out the tag altogether if it's obvious who the speaker is.

If it's a thought, the same thing applies. I hope this helps. I'll be back to read more. I think you have a great book here.

Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

nice pitch. really makes those browsing for a good tale really want to read...
j
what every woman should know

Crime/Thriller and sub genre review group
Title: The Color of Red
Author: Jules Haigler
Wow Factor (Read Speed/Enjoyment)
[7] Speed (Easy/Fast)
[7] Enjoyment
[7] Interest – effective evocation of a particular milieu.

Literacy (Editing/Proofing/Structure)
[09] Free of (obvious) Spelling Errors (easy fix)
[09] Free of (obvious) Contextual Grammar Errors (easy edit)
[10] Free of Distracting Dialog

Story
[9] Coherent / Order
(7) Character/Subject Development

Marketing
[10] Cover Design
[09] Pitch
(TOTAL
[86/100]

Comments. Reminds me of G.K Chesterton. It’s a narrative you have to ‘go with’ i.e overlook the silly things like the names (and the slightly patronizing explanation of what Rouge means) and the speaking to yourself out load parts. I’m not sure if Insp Rouge is sufficiently intriguing to carry the interest of the reader. The personal side of him seems to be restricted to a rather two-dimensional description of his relationship with his father. You use ‘slight’ repeatedly in your description of him which does have a negating effect I think.
But as I said it is effective in recreating a particular social setting and there is a warmth to the narrative that makes you fond of it – just like Chesteron.
Good Luck with it Jules!
Star rating 4

The Color of Red:

Colour?


This has lots of potential and I’m sure will be a hit with your target audience. Writing is good, and it’s an interesting story, but I think it would benefit from a bit of tightening.

I normally take notes as I read so I’ve popped a few here for your consideration. After I’d read the chapter I read some of the comments, and your reply to them, so you may very well want to ignore some, if not all of what I suggested. But I’m no pro so that’s okay with me. ;->

For what they’re worth, here they are.

~ Five feet from his imminent death ~ I’d prefer not to know this. Bit of a spoiler, at least for me it is, knowing what’s going to happen. But it’s your book.

stepped into the comfort of a [seemingly] empty room. Using 'seemingly' hints that it's not empty. Try: ...stepped into the comfort of his (front) room?

~ Reeking of alcohol, he struggled to close the door ~ The stench of alcohol filled his nostrils when he gave out a loud belch, and for a moment he shuddered. “Damn door!” he said, as he struggled to close it.

yelled the master to himself.~ Don’t think you need this?

“Damn it, this key!” [Reaching down,] Master Redden… ~ No need to tell us this as it’s obvious that he’d reach down?

“Damn it, this key!” he scowled, and scooped the key off the carpet…?

might fall if he ~ Is the ‘he’ here, Master Redden or the son?

He now stood four feet from death.~ Again, I’d rather not know this. It gives too much away.

and began to walk ~ and walked forward?

his waist was jabbed by a corner of wood ~ passive… Try, a corner of wood jabbed his waist. Or: A few steps later he jabbed his waist on a corner of wood?

, he internally announced ~ not needed as italics already show us this?

Pulling from his pockets a match, the master struck the red tip against the wood.~ Multi-tasking here, he couldn’t strike the match at the same time as he pulls it from his pocket? What wood is he striking the match on?

Little did the master know that this illumination would be the last his eyes would ever see as he now stood three feet from death. ~ Again you’re telling the reader what’s going to happen. More interesting if you surprise the reader. Keep us wondering.

“Just rats,” exhaled the master as he walked around the desk.~ Try: “Just rats.” The master exhaled as he walked around the desk…

desk [suddenly] popped open… Omit suddenly.

, the murderer blew out the candles and slipped behind a secret passage into the darkness. ~ I think this would be a good place to end the chapter then make a new one with the rest of it?

As you may not agree with the above suggestions, from here on, I’m going to finish the rest of the first chapter, just for the pleasure of reading it. But if you think my notes are helpful, and if you’d like more, let me know and I will send them to you.

All the best, and I am interested in reading more of this so I have high-starred it and will keep it on my watchlist.

The pitch and title are very drawing for the reader.
The first chapter really grabs a person's interest to read and see what will happen.
Your Descriptions are very well created to spark even more interest.
Super Work!

*Reader*

Great chapter with a great start. You brought me here with your forum thread :) It worked, see? This has the promise of a great mystery. You created the suspense with the first line..."five feet from his imminent death." A few paragraphs down, "...now stood four feet from death," then "...three feet..." You succeeded to create a sense of setting and the emotional hook with an aged controlling father who didn't get along with his son. I've added it to my WL and will be reading some more.
T. Donna Robison
No Kiss Good-bye

Good premise and strong characters & scene setting - though I'd expect nothing less of someone keenly interested in theatre.

Where you're letting the story down, imo, is with repetition. Silly stuff, really. (am paraphrasing here, btw): "he picked up the key. He put the key into the lock..." - second time round, and subsequent times, that "key" should become "it", the "master" become "he" etc. etc. Read through those first paras again and see how many times you repeat stuff that hinders rather than helps the reader progress.

Secondly, check rhythm overall. Whilst your visuals are excellent, the rhythm of the narrative comes and goes. Read it aloud - get someone else to read it aloud. Long sentences are absolutely fine, flowery expression is fine... all of this adds to the atmosphere of the period... but Rhythm is King, no matter what imagery we're conjuring, and it has to be there.

e.g. "As the sun rose higher into the sky, sunlight broke through a barrier of clouds; and like water breaking from a dam, the sunlight surged down city streets, around corners, lighting windows and stopping suddenly at a solitary individual walking along a vacant avenue." - that's bliss. Imagery is perfect, punctuation spot on and rhythm sublime. But then consider what follows:

"A shadowy head of a man lifted, allowing the morning light to drape over his face. By his handsome and stern features, one could see intelligence and patience. This stranger was dressed in an inspector's attire complete with a hat, a coat, and a chain leading into his vest pocket. Not a tall man but slightly average with arms that swayed as he walked. A slight limp could be seen in his step, like you would see in someone with an ankle sprain caused by a deformity of one leg being slightly shorter than the other."

Again the visuals are perfect, but the rhythm here is totally out. Partly through missing punctuation, partly because the sentences haven't been *read out loud*, I suspect (they sound so very different in the head).

Consider the slight tweaks of: "A shadowy head of a man lifted, allowing the morning light to drape over his face. By his handsome and stern features, one could see intelligence and patience. He was dressed in an inspector's attire, complete with hat, coat, and a chain leading into his vest pocket. Not a tall man, but slightly average, with arms that swayed as he walked and a slight limp, born of one leg being slightly shorter than the other."

Sorry if this seems nitpicking, but it was what grabbed me during those first chapters. Also I'd consider (purely for this site) splitting your chapters into smaller segments - i.e. break 'em off at the point where you introduce a new heading... it's awful reading long chapters on screen, most of us have to use shorter ones here, no matter what the final book itself would actually look like.

I'll come back and read more another time. Your imagery is wonderful and I'm intrigued by the concept...