The Tooth

Yatta! You have been ambushed by the Crit Ninja!
Read the prologue and first two chapters, and here are my thoughts.

Pitch: Good. Fills the reader in on the plot and makes it sound interesting.

Plot: Can't think of anything negative to say about it. Homeless boy, evil plot, intelligent dragon; good stuff. Not sure yet why Brian would go looking for the dragon exactly, but I'm sure that will become clear in later chapters.

Characters: Well I've only read one chapter of Brian so far, but I like him. The scene of him playing was very cute, and it was heartbreaking to see him feel guilty about the destruction of his village. One thing I would say though is mention his age earlier - I was very confused about why a fourteen-year-old was acting so childish, and then at the end I discovered he was ten. I saw someone say in a review that they thought Vincent seemed cartoon-ish, but I don't agree. He's a bad guy consumed by jealousy; unfortunately people like that do exist. Some readers will have a taste for more 'complex' villains, though; I'm just not one of them.

Writing style: Almost flawless except for one thing: punctuation. I'm not saying this in a nit-picky way - it really effected the readability of an otherwise great story. There were a lot of sentences that needed commas to create pauses that didn't have them. I also noticed that you used absolutely no semi-colons, and then I saw a review saying you used too many. I assume you took them all out or something? If that's the case, then let me tell you I really think you need to put some back in - some sentences read completely weird without them. Besides that, I very much enjoyed the flow of your writing and the way you described things. It was easy to read without being simplistic. Minor thing: it might be good to show at least a little of the conversation between Vincent and the dragon.

Overall, I thought this was very enjoyable and spot-on for your target market.

A link to your book will be posted in the Crit Ninja thread:
http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/88310/crit-ninja-/

What an opening chapter! I love the way it builds up to this intense climax, the descriptions are fantastic, I could visualise every little detail of this world you've created.

Tense and thrilling and utterly brilliant, this is definitely one for the desk :)

RK Summers
The Albion Pages

Hi Alastair, seems that we are neighbours, I live in Totton. Nice writing, I could clearly see the pictures you were painting. The plot is pacey and the style bright (what age group is this aimed at? though it would suit adult readers just as well as children.
I could not fault your grammar and if I have one niggle it's with your choice of name for the 'hero'. For some of us Brian is kind of evocative of Monty Python - but please don't take that as a criticism, just a personal note.

apologies, could not spend much time on my lunch break, i will pick this up later. Well done!

Cyrus - Hellion 2

THE TOOTH
Books about dragons are always good reads and this one is no exception. I like the beginning with the cow disappearing; sets a mysterious tone from the start. You have a good character in Brian because his whole family is wiped out by the dragon. I didn’t understand why 4 years passed before he learned the world was bigger than he thought and started north. Seems like an unnecessary lag in the story. Also, I’m wondering if you don’t want to introduce Vincent and his plot with the dragon before Brian finds the tooth. Either way, this is a good story. Like the way the sword “owns” Brian rather than the other way around. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

You create a very compelling word that I think both you and the writer can get lost in (careful - you may find yourself in multiple books). One thing be careful about repeating words. You mention grass quite a few times at the beginning of Chapt. 4. We get the point. But overall a great start.

Yarg review
Great opening chapter, that builds up into a crescendo.

Strong, believable characters, like Brian.
You keep the reader interested with a good fluent plot.
Very colourful descriptions that add dimension to the narrative, you have an interesting imagination.
A natural storyteller and a promising story.
Well done.

Review//The Tooth by Alastair Ingason

I enjoyed the fresh writing style and grace of the opening chapter. It was more than enough to keep me interested and begging for more. There is one drawback in the text and it is the overuse of “was” and “that.” There are times when you haven’t a choice, but go through and find places where you can remove those crutch words and witness how much tighter your MS will get.

Great start. Five Stars.

Thank you so much for the advise and great review! I'm really pleased you enjoyed reading The Tooth! :D

Review//The Tooth by Alastair Ingason

I enjoyed the fresh writing style and grace of the opening chapter. It was more than enough to keep me interested and begging for more. There is one drawback in the text and it is the overuse of “was” and “that.” There are times when you haven’t a choice, but go through and find places where you can remove those crutch words and witness how much tighter your MS will get.

Great start. Five Stars.

Very eloquent! I loved the style of writing, it kept me reading. Great story, too. I agree that it could be one for the desk. The only minor issue I had was that there was virtually no dialogue. I find that dialogue moves the story forward and helps us get a handle on the characters (but hey, that's only 1 opinion among millions). Backed and starred!

Crit Ninja review.
You have a very promising story, that yet needs work. I would suggest you listen to all criticisms, but not to be too hasty in implementing them. In the end, it's your own judgement that counts. Don't take too much notice of artificial rules that we're occasionally regaled with here, simply make your writing flow smoothly, and you won't go too wrong. I think this story will go far - just that it needs some work yet. Backed, Marj.

I'm reading Chapter 2. In pg 1 next to the last sentence there is a very long run on sentence that could either be made into several seperate sentences or separated by semicolons. I love the name Trula. It is unique. I like the way you describe Vincents vindetta against his family; the jealousy within him sure caused some evil thoughts. The story line is interesting, but its hard to follow sometimes because you struggle with punctuation and grammar rules. The paragraph that begins: "Back at the castle the king..." I had such a hard time understanding what you were trying to say that after reading it the third time I just read on hoping I could continue to follow the story line. It was because of misplaced modifiers. The last sentence in that paragraph might be better like this: "Doubling his efforts, he continued deeper into the forest, testing out the new route. As he walked, he could feel his head throb under the strain of the task." Now your dependent clauses modify a subject instead of dangling with nowhere to go. Does that make sense?In the second one, it was an independent clause, so it could become its own sentence. I hope this helps. I really do like the story.

Tina Burton
Tears in Heaven

I see a lot of positive things I like in this first chapter. You have a great imagination. Your use of adjectives to portray the image you want is amazing. Keep up the good work. I also noticed some areas where you are weaker as we all are. You seem to struggle with punctuation. I noticed a lot of run on sentences--commas, when there should have been periods. For example "notice the cow until the next morning...confusion and anger..." Also, watch your use of adverbs. You might consider changing luckily to lucky in the second paragraph of ch 1.

I hope you will find my book battle of love and tell me what you think. I will continue reading yours. You are doing a great job. It is a good book.

one more observation. What is a hovel? what age group are you writing for?

I hope I have not offended you in any way. I am new at this. I am not quite certain how this works.

Tina Burton

Yatta! You have been ambushed by the Crit Ninja!
Read the prologue and first two chapters, and here are my thoughts.

Pitch: Good. Fills the reader in on the plot and makes it sound interesting.

Plot: Can't think of anything negative to say about it. Homeless boy, evil plot, intelligent dragon; good stuff. Not sure yet why Brian would go looking for the dragon exactly, but I'm sure that will become clear in later chapters.

Characters: Well I've only read one chapter of Brian so far, but I like him. The scene of him playing was very cute, and it was heartbreaking to see him feel guilty about the destruction of his village. One thing I would say though is mention his age earlier - I was very confused about why a fourteen-year-old was acting so childish, and then at the end I discovered he was ten. I saw someone say in a review that they thought Vincent seemed cartoon-ish, but I don't agree. He's a bad guy consumed by jealousy; unfortunately people like that do exist. Some readers will have a taste for more 'complex' villains, though; I'm just not one of them.

Writing style: Almost flawless except for one thing: punctuation. I'm not saying this in a nit-picky way - it really effected the readability of an otherwise great story. There were a lot of sentences that needed commas to create pauses that didn't have them. I also noticed that you used absolutely no semi-colons, and then I saw a review saying you used too many. I assume you took them all out or something? If that's the case, then let me tell you I really think you need to put some back in - some sentences read completely weird without them. Besides that, I very much enjoyed the flow of your writing and the way you described things. It was easy to read without being simplistic. Minor thing: it might be good to show at least a little of the conversation between Vincent and the dragon.

Overall, I thought this was very enjoyable and spot-on for your target market.

A link to your book will be posted in the Crit Ninja thread:
http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/88310/crit-ninja-/

Alastair,

I came by your book when I saw it on a shelf of a person I share similar reading taste with. I read up to the end of the second chapter and I've made a few notes of pros and cons. I don't read pitches and I'm not concerned with covers 'cause ...well, I'm not your publisher :) so, I'll just jump right in the text.

Your opening chapter is a good one, pretty polished from where I sat too. Both scenes were fast paced and intriguingly mysterious enough for me to keep reading. One thing struck me as inconsistent: the fact that Brian, at the end of the chapter, assumed it was his fault. It may just be me here, but I think even for a young boy it should be clear that the dragon wouldn't have the time to avenge the stolen tooth, even if this had been the case... I understand this is the very center of your plot, so you may want to reconsider the premise (or not...as you see fit.)

The second chapter, written as smoothly as the first, with minor slip-ups here and there, brought me quick to the encounter of Vincent with the dragon. Two things put me off in this chapter.

1) Your characterisation of Vincent, although thorough and informing without being tiring, brought your villain to the borderline of being a cartoon. "Kicking leaves and mumbling alone" "Scheming behind the back" = being the Calph in the place of the Caliph sort of thing :D ...

2) I think you consciously made the choice of not presenting the discussion that took place between Vincent and the dragon. I would strongly suggest you reconsider this part. It's all-important.

I will take it a bit further here and suggest a solution for both 1 and 2. By giving your villains scheming IN the discussion with the dragon , you avoid "telling" about his scheming and proving how mischievous he can be by a) convincing a dragon that Vincent can help him (you "told" us that Vincent ordered the dragon to destroy villages, that was a big change from one paragraph to the next, when he was about to die he ends up giving orders), b) presenting a master plan (more specific than "let's kill the daughter" or "destroy the villages over there") which will both win the attention/respect of the dragon and the reader...

Other than these notes concerning the plot and your character-building, I think you write well and that you have a plot that is unique in the YA genre. I hope I could be of help and that I didn't dishearten you in any way.

5 stars from me. All the best and a Happy New Year :)

Yannis

P.S. In case you wish to return the read, you could take a look at my second upload "The Abyss Wars". It's dark, epic fantasy of the magic realism subgenre...

YARG REVIEW: THE TOOTH

I saw you were a newer member to the YARG group and decided to come over and take a peek at your first chapter and prologue. As I tell everyone, take whatever rings true, and pitch any advice that you don’t agree with that I might mention. Only you know what will work best for the story. That being said, below are my thoughts:

CH1/ Prologue

“She smirked and called out to him.” I personally would like to know who the “she” is before you start using a personal pronoun. This might just be a matter of personal taste, so take that for what you will, but I think it would read stronger if you identified who this person is for the reader. The main reason for this, for me anyway, is that this is the first character we are encountering in the story. I automatically think that this person will be a major player or have a significant role in the first chapter and prologue.

Is Clayton the farmer? I think you are trying to imply this here, and it may become apparent as I continue to read on. However, the phrasing could be a little stronger.

Nice imagery with the dandelion seeds flying around. That brought a smile to my face. You also work well with description, talking about Brian’s blonde hair being ruffled by the wind. You seem to incorporate this effortlessly. I see this as one of your strengths. Good job!

I’m wondering about Brian ... in your long pitch you mention that he is 14. I find it a little odd that Brian is battling an ogre with his toy sword. This seems like something that someone younger would do. Perhaps this is just a personality trait, the whole young at heart attribute? If so, I would like to see this explained to the reader, so that we know this is just who he is as a character. Otherwise, I would consider making him younger. Once again, just a thought.

I think you could make an “obscure smell” stronger. What makes the smell obscure? Is he smelling rotten eggs, something acidic, etc? You say that the smell reminds him of blacksmiths? Why is this? Is there a metallic odor, etc?

Ah, now I see that Brian is 10. This makes fighting the “invisible ogre” more age appropriate. I would have liked to know this sooner, but I see how you want to leave an impact with the reader. Incorporating his age sooner, is something that I would consider if I were you. But once again, only you know what is best.

Also, when he first learns that his village is on fire. I would like to see a really simple line, in the thoughts of a child, of “My village is gone... My home is burning! ... etc.” Once again, just a thought. A nice story and I look forward to were this can go! Good luck! You get 5 stars from me!


Ashley
"Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket"

The Tooth

Hello Alastair,

A wonderful piece of epic fantasy here, vivid pictures of pastoral life painted with the whiff of the fantasical and magical. The opening scenes provoke intrigue and we are introduced early on to our apprentice hero, cluxy and ridiculous as they so often are in this genre, at least to start with. A narrative to settle down with in front of an open fire and wile away the hours. That said, it still needs considerable editing to take out the repetition and redundancy so that the strong narrative comes to the fore and draws the reader in much more quickly. The prologue signature scene of the dragon lifting off a cow could be shortened considerably, to still capture the scene, but to reduce the repeating notions you have in this draft. The shadow painted on the grass out of a clear sky is a strong motif, quite filmic, this is weakened by repetition of the cud-chewers returning to lush grass and the double description of a cloudless sky. I reckon you could cut the prologue in half, still hold onto the pastoral motif and charm and the dark compulsion of the dragon, but speed up the narrative generally.

The same is true for the themes of chapter 1, our hero is over-described, the charm of such epic fantasy is that we know some of the steps and that is why we return to them again and again. The bits that set such epic fantasies apart isn't the similarities, we like those, they are like comfort food, it is the speed with which we are engaged in the particular epicness of this tale, the quest, the challenge for our hapless hero. I loved the title, I think the characterisation works well and the epic fantasy backdrop is well played, now, just like the rest of us, the editing and re-writing to say more with less.

Best wishes, I did enjoy this and will invite others to come and have a read.
Andrew W
(Benevolence)

YARG Review

Good start for your novel! There were a few places I noticed that might need a little tweaking. The knife had an "obscure" smell. Not sure obscure is the correct word. Nor should you have "orpahn to his parents", but just "orphan".

I like the way the chapter ends where the boy blames himself, children do that. But, when you end the chapter the way you did, there is no drive to read further. What could possibly follow? It is always good to end the chapter on a cliff hanger so the reader (the YA) wants to keep reading. Our audience is HARD TO KEEP ENTERTAINED. What, with video games and movies and cell phones, etc. We have to trick them to keep reading, and turning the pages.

Great start, tho! Sounds like it will be a very good read.

Sincerely,

D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

the use of descriptive narrative works very well in helping us visualise the events and enjoy this story...
l shall back...
read SEASONS...

Hi Alastair,

I owe you a read. So sorry it’s taken me so long to get here. Below are my findings. They are, of course, my humblest opinions, so take them for whatever they’re worth.

Love the first sentence of your short pitch. Nice hook.

“dark-dragon” should not be hyphened

Embroiled is kind of an odd word choice, in my opinion. It might work, but it’s strange for readability. Might just be me.

Regarding your long pitch, you might consider just jumping into it rather than telling us “The story revolves around…” For instance, I think, “Brian seeks revenge after losing his family” works better than what’s there.
“lost his family” is in the first sentence, and “loss of his family” is in the second. Kind of redundant.
What do you mean by “dark dragon?” Is the dragon a dark color, or is it evil?

“Yet he finds more than he bargained for…” I’m not sure this part is needed.

The premise is great, but I think these pitches could be condensed for more impact. For instance, “In a fantasy world unlike his own, Brian seeks out a dragon to avenge his lost family. With an unlikely ally by his side, Brian unwittingly stumbles into a plot to overthrow the throne.” (I don’t think you need to go so far as to say the King’s brother is involved. Not here, at least. Careful not to dump too much back story into the pitch). Anyway, that’s just a suggestion. Something to stew on.

“14 year old vagrant” 14-year-old needs to be hyphenated in this case.

Prologue and 1

I’d delete “temporarily” in the first line. It weakens the sentence/hook and it doesn’t really matter that it’s temporary. You’re focusing the reader on the habits of the livestock, when the emphasis should be placed on the dark shadow. It’s good that you mention they’re distracted—really good, as it shows that it’s noticeable and distracting in an obvious way through use of clever literary design. However, (to make a long suggestion short :P), the temporarily part weakens it.

Be careful about the order of events. “The blue expanse above was completely clear.” You just said there was a shadow looming, so it can’t be completely clear.

Again, not sure why you’re focusing so much on the livestock. Who cares that they go back to eating grass?
There’s a lot being said in this first paragraph. I strongly urge you to resist telling us too much about the landscape too soon. That stuff is important, but you haven’t fully grabbed the reader’s attention yet. You have a great first-line hook, which is crucial, but then you start losing the reader by diverting from that. We start thinking the shadow is nothing special, maybe nothing more than a single cloud (though you say the sky is clear). Paint a clearer picture of what’s happening here, or at least what sort of sensation we should be feeling about this shadow before moving on to the description of the town and land. One possible way to do this is to have the second line introduce the farmer looking at the shadow. Then it would make sense to have the livestock look up as well, and then describe the land (once the farmer reveals his feelings about the shadow…as in “The farmer studied the shadow with worry” or “concern” or “curiosity” or whatever).

“To shelter from the heat” I could be wrong, but I think it needs to be “to take shelter from the heat.” I’ve never heard it said the way you use it here, but like I said, it might be fine.

Mind run-ons. “The farmer ignored the brief noise from outside, he was thinking about the evening in the ale house” First, alehouse is one word. Second, these are two independent clauses, so they need to be separated by a period, or a semicolon (ew :P).

Add comma after “In his right hand”

Should be a period after “toy wooden sword.” The next line should be its own sentence.

I read the rest of the chapter for story development and readability. This really is a great start. You have a knack for storytelling and really paint a vivid picture. Your MC is likeable, which is most important, and the storyline seems tight so far. My biggest suggestion is to continue with the edit scrubbing, as I found some grammatical and punctuation issues. Nothing major, though. Also, careful not to overuse semicolons. They’re often deemed distracting by publishers from what I hear (though I don’t claim to be an expert).

High stars from me! I can see this doing well here. Best of luck!

Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Hi Alastair, here returning a read!

I've read the first chapter and I do think you have a cracking opening idea. Brian feels like a natural main character, and I like the idea of the dragon's tooth as a central part of the story. The build-up and the climax of Brian realising his whole village has been destroyed were very good, and I definitely felt that I could have read on from there!

Some of the description where Brian is introduced feels repetitive - once you've established that he's playing with imaginary creatures then I don't think you need to keep mentioning that only he can see them, and the same occurs with how hot he is. Some of those details, I would just mention and move on - your first paragraph with Brian could be a lot tighter in regards to describing what he's up to. The most interesting part is where the action begins with the tooth appearing, so I wouldn't dawdle too much getting there!

I hope this was helpful, I think you have a lovely idea here :)

KT

A YARG review-
I love dragon stories. I liked the fact you're using a 14 year old boy--there just aren't enough YA books about younger teens! :)
Chapter 1- The destruction of a 10 year old's village.
Chapter 2- A dangerous alliance is made and a plot begun.
Chapter 3- A quest begins.I like it!
You might try shortening your sentences. I say that to a lot of people, but I'm normally more inclined to read if the sentences aren't too long. Just a thought.
Nice job!
Noelle J. Alabaster

What an opening chapter! I love the way it builds up to this intense climax, the descriptions are fantastic, I could visualise every little detail of this world you've created.

Tense and thrilling and utterly brilliant, this is definitely one for the desk :)

RK Summers
The Albion Pages

YARG

Others have pointed out typos and so on, so I decided to read it purely for the story and how I thought it read.
I'll just mention one - a tense change near the end of chapter 3 - 'If this dragon was not the creature he sought (past tense) he would find some way to force it to tell him the location of the one he does (does - present tense.) and it then carries on in present tense, then goes back to past - 'Brian headed north...)

Pitch: I thought the pitch was attractive - it lets us know exactly what we're in for, and an attractive proposition it will be to your target audience.

It began well, I thought. It introduces us the the place and the people who live there - the farmer with his cows all looing up was amusing but also foreshadowed something obviously wrong. I liked how you didn't go full out with the dragon, but had that missing cow at the end of the chapter - again, make 'em wait, good tension building.

I liked the kid with the weird thing falling and impaling itself in his shield - dragon's tooth" A magical thing smelling faintly of smoke.... and then disaster strikes. We then meet the 'overthrowing the throne' element of the story, and that was good, too. Sometimes switching from one character/situation to another loses something, but not in this case. More good set up for future action.

In chapter three, poor old Brian is suffering after four years wandering. He is ready to go out there and slay a dragon, so your set up is accomplished and off we go.

Altogether, with a little edit, such as we all need to do, a thoroughly enjoyable read and one which should appeal to your intended readers with all its elements. Shall read the rest.
Cariad.

Hi
A YARG review.
I've read through your first chapter, and I like the beginning you've set up here. Some nice imagery mixed in with an interesting premise for a story.
I've just listed some editing nitpicks to tighten the writing more. Perhaps cropping some unnecessary prose will make this flow better for the reader.
Dragons and young boys are a winning mix, to make a great story for your target audience, I'm sure with some editing you will do well with this.
I've only offered edits on the first chapter, as you may not be after this kind of feedback. If you find it useful and want me to look at any additional chapters, just let me know. These are just my own suggestions, if they don't ring true with you, feel free to ignore.
Best of luck with your writing.
Cheers Jacoba

...one farmer, all with their heads back...( punctuation)

...with those animals, Clayton. You're beginning...( punctuation)

...about the evening in the ale house. An opportunity...( punctuation)

Brian played under the shade of the great oak, through the rich summer meadow, just over the hill from his village.( re arrange the order of this sentence, as I've suggested)

..he spent the morning ( take out had)

In his right hand he gripped his toy wooden sword, in his left he brandished a good looking, but weak shield. ( to tighten)

...his sword low--decapitating an unlucky few---it was like...( I'd use an em dash here)

..barrier from the falling object. ( I'd say from not for)

...grass face down, eyes shut tight, waiting...( punctuation)

...was quite slimy, and hot to touch ( to tighten)

He realised the heat... ( I remove 'that' where possible. It clogs the prose)

...make out the hill between his the meadow and his village. ( to tighten)

Suggested change to this paragraph:
No longer proud about the discovery of the tooth, or excited to hear his friends cheer in expected amazement, Brian ran as fast as possible toward the crest of the hill. He had never wanted to see what was on the other side, but now he couldnt' stop himself. He had to know. But Brian could never prepare himself for what he was about to see as the village came into view. Every fibre in his body tensed, as he looked down distraught, there was not much of a village left to see.

On my watchlist. I adore dragons.

Sharahzade

woops. Meant to add I've starred this and will add to my shelf as soon as I can make space
Sheila

Hi Alastair
Just starting this now. Love the premise and the pitch is well-written. There's a typo in your short pitch, though. You refer to 'dark-dragon'. I think that should be 'dark dragon' without the hyphen? You also say, later, 'an powerful, evil man' - should be 'a powerful, evil man'.
I don't think king should be 'King' unless you're saying the name (as in, King George).
Prologue: 'mere moment' - don't think 'mere' is necessary. A moment is mere - we know this already!
'Will you be at the ale house tonight?' He asked. Should be 'he asked'
Thought the ending to your prologue was excellent - a real cliffhanger.
Chapter One:
'tightly gripped' - delete tightly. Can you grip something any other way? I don't think so. In general, I'd go back through this and watch out for the amount of adverbs you use - gently, tightly, hopefully, sharpfully, playfully, etc - there are too many and they distract from your story rather than add to it.
I didn't go beyond Ch1 for time reasons but I hope this feedback helps? I think you've got a really strong concept here and with a bit of tight editing, this will be a cracking story.
Best of luck with it!
Sheila

Hi Chris,

Thank you so much, this is infinitely helpful! I'm amazed I haven't spotted these errors, I fear the rest of my book will be riddled with them :)

I was using a capital K for king only when referring to the true king, and lower case for references to being a king. I was always unsure about this, but I can go through and rectify this error.

I'm extremely grateful and will get on to fixing these errors, I'll also upload Chapter 3 again in case there's an error there. Also, I'm so pleased to hear that you like the story and the hook, this means a great deal to me.

Thank you once again.

OK, so I read the first two chapters. For some reason, an error keeps ocurring when I try to acess the third chapter (probably due to my computer). The story has a good hook. The only thing I'd say is be careful about how often you jump from one character to another. The reader needs to get to know the character before we are ready to loathe Vincent.

There were some problems with punctuation. I suggest you take a look particularly at the second chapter where you have long sentences and little punctuation in the way of commas. The story is good. As I said, there's an interesting hook with the the tooth and then the dragon. It's a pity I didn't get to read the third chapter. I would suggest that if you haven't already done so, do some market research so you know what you're competing with before you send your manuscript out to publishers.

There were a few mistakes and I'll square bracket the corrections.

- Chapter 1, Paragraph 1: "He had his toy sword... only he could see." The sentence was a bit long and I, personally, felt that it should be rephrased in a way that would work with and not against the fluidity of the nararative. This is merely a personal opinion though.

- Chapter 1: "... over the hill where his family await [awaited] his return from his morning adventures."

- Chapter 2, Paragraph 4: "... disappearance of the Princess he would be trialled [tried]..."

- Chapter 2, Paragraph 4: "focussed [focused]"

- Chapter 2, Paragraph 5: "... which did not involved [involve] Trula..."

- Chapter 2, Paragraph 6: "... which were directly [directed] towards them."

- Chapter 2: "... his normal, well worn [well-worn] path..."

- Chapter 2, Paragraph 11: "... he can't [couldn't] let her take..."

- Chapter 2, Paragraph 16: "He watched frozen in abject terror... Unable to move, paralysed by fear..." These sentences were back-to-back and you repeat the same thing twice. You need to deliver new information to the reader as opposed to repeating things twice.

- Chapter 2, Paragraph 20: "... inform the King about the attacks horrific [horrific attacks]..."

- Chapter 2, Last Paragraph: You say "king" when all along you have been using a capital "k" ["King"]. If you choose to use the capital "k" version, you need to be consistent throughout the book.

I really enjoyed your prologue. It drew me in and set up the events to come. The spellings put me off a bit but I'm still going to give you a solid four stars. I hope the criticism has helped.

All the best,

Chris

Hi everyone, first time author here, and this is my first complete book. It's come in at just over 48,000 words! I've uploaded the first 6 chapters to see what everyone thinks, and if it leads you interested in reading more!

I'm so pleased with the plot and characters I can't wait to share them with you. :) Please do let me know, I'd love to see what people outside of my family think of my work.