Raindancer

I read the four chapters you have posted, and I think this is wonderfully written and fascinating to read. The world you've set up reminds me of a combination of an epic fantasy (in the vain of Game of Thrones) and the kind of out-of-this-world space opera that all sci-fi fans know and love. The ideas behind the story are intriguing - interstellar politics, oh my! - and I think it's really interesting how you weave it in with Earth's history. I think it's really interesting how you introduce your universe and its dynamics, although the long paragraphs can get a little tiring to read at times, and there are a lot of foreign terms thrown into the first couple paragraphs that are somewhat hard to keep track of. But all in all, an enjoyable read. Good luck with the rest of it!

Cheers,
M.
Astral Sea: The Pandora Project

I would drop the Alice reference in your pitch as it does not need it. Also, not everyone likes the Alice books. Yours is a well written and entertaining tale however. Only advice would be to check how many sentences start with 'ing' words which, apparantly, agents do not like much. Something to do with tense consistency. Jusy IMO. :)

Hi,


Short Pitch - I don't think this should refer to another work: sell on its own merits
Long pitch- again, to most readers lacking a classical education, reference to another work will ring no bells. To a SF fan there is enough about the story to intrigue. I quite like the rest of the pitch. The weird names and the epic inter stellar set up tell me exactly what I'm getting.

Chapter 1 - Good points
Great description of the Betheban night and the town on the plain. Carefully chosen words.
I like the geeky science bits about orbit duration and day/night progressions; appeals to SF fans
Overall the chapter builds momentum, beginning slowly (too slowly in might say) and ending with the appealing episode with the well drawn barbarian. Which brings me too...

Criticisms
I think there is too much preamble: could some of this background information be imparted inter alia along the way.

Attention to detail in the first para eg.
From the moment she began her enduring search four days earlier - enduring already, after 4 days?
... forbidding moment ...foreboding parched...repetition
pleasantly uneventful, boring at best - the meaning of this is not clear
After arriving in the Amilib System and now at Betheba...- clumsy

Not too sure about the italicised reflections, but this is a style issue. "Oh Talen, your tormenting drove our faire sister away and now I fear she is lost for all time" Do people really think in such a hyperbolic manner?

Overall, from chapter 1 (I did jump forward and was intrigued to see a section on 16 century earth) I think the world that you have imagined is well described, vivid even...but the reader needs to be drawn in at a faster pace. Why not start with the confrontation between Xan and the barbarian, then work back? The back stories will come out as characters develop. As others have noted, shorter paras and a closer look at some of the longer sentences will help.

It's always easier to criticise than praise!

All the best,

Phil

Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. From what I have read, you are trying to express a bit too much in some of these sentences and paragraphs. It's creating a kind of information overload when I try to read it. It's kind of like trying to multiply 99x99. It can be done, but trying to do it in my head without breaking it up is a daunting task.
When I see long stretches of text without paragraph separations, it kind of bounces my eyeballs off of the text like a forcefield of some sorts.
So from the first two lines, I think you could leave out the words "enduring" and "forbidding". Their placements feel awkward and forced.
The sentence starting with "After arriving in the Amilib system..." was a bit long. It could be broken down to make it easier to digest.
"After arriving in the Amilib System, she boarded a small shuttle. Along with 25 other passengers, she was transported to the remote planet Betheba."
Maybe move the bit about the mammoth star vessel in orbit further up in the paragraph to describe the mode of how she got there.
In the next paragraph, "...pulled the custom-crafted garment tightly over her chest, affording her extra protection."
Kilometers seems like an odd metric to measure space distance. Maybe a larger metric unit or light-years would fit a little better.
Some early dialogue in the first few chapters could help bring it to life. It starts off with a bunch of extremely descriptive narrative. Maybe you could fit something about the plot in there somewhere.
These are all just suggestions. I'm not an editor by a long-shot.

Thanks Pete. A good analysis and I will take a close look at all the issues you brought forth as I continue to work through this story. Thanks again.

Raindancer

Usual disclaimer: all opinions which should be seen as one person’s view.

Short pitch: should be a concise selling statement. Yours repeats the motif, and the words. Try and simplify it into one hard hitting grabby sentence.

Long pitch: several problems for me here. It will have to be re-written I think. Don’t worry there are plenty of people here who can help. Mine was a mess at first. I find them difficult. Remember that the pitch is merely there to grab the reader and sell the idea. So, I’m pretty sure there’s a problem with referencing classics in this way. It puts off a lot of people. If your tale is a re-working that would be apparent to aficionados but won’t help others. I should drop all that, all the stuff from ‘With a science…. And just go with ‘Talen loves his sister…

Main text: The first thing I notice is purely visual – all those large paragraphs. This kind of read seems to demand shorter passages of text – or so I’m told by readers here. Then I notice those all-important opening words. If she has just started her ‘search’ how can it be ‘enduring’? She may feel it will become such, but she can’t know that at this stage can she? Our MS are judged (fairly or not) on the very first impression that they give. You repeat ‘moment’ in the same (first) sentence. Then we have ‘knew…. she knew’ within two sentences. And I think you mean ‘forbidding’, not ‘foreboding’.

I read on for more general things but noticed that you need a proof read. For example, you have ‘trying to inconspicuously to see’. OK you finish this first chapter with a snatch of action. In dealing with it you demonstrate rather different language and sensibility than in the foregoing section. I would say you are happier dealing with such as this and would encourage you to get into any action sooner. I felt you really took far too long establishing the scene, especially with your MC being on the transport and, effectively, not doing anything. In the end, this action is just a device to demonstrate the reality of the dangers that you have described but, really, it works well enough for you to rely more on it as a means of progressing your plot. I think you are stronger with this stuff and it shows. Think about playing to that strength more.

Raindancer

Usual disclaimer: all opinions which should be seen as one person’s view.

Short pitch: should be a concise selling statement. Yours repeats the motif, and the words. Try and simplify it into one hard hitting grabby sentence.

Long pitch: several problems for me here. It will have to be re-written I think. Don’t worry there are plenty of people here who can help. Mine was a mess at first. I find them difficult. Remember that the pitch is merely there to grab the reader and sell the idea. So, I’m pretty sure there’s a problem with referencing classics in this way. It puts off a lot of people. If your tale is a re-working that would be apparent to aficionados but won’t help others. I should drop all that, all the stuff from ‘With a science…. And just go with ‘Talen loves his sister…

Main text: The first thing I notice is purely visual – all those large paragraphs. This kind of read seems to demand shorter passages of text – or so I’m told by readers here. Then I notice those all-important opening words. If she has just started her ‘search’ how can it be ‘enduring’? She may feel it will become such, but she can’t know that at this stage can she? Our MS are judged (fairly or not) on the very first impression that they give. You repeat ‘moment’ in the same (first) sentence. Then we have ‘knew…. she knew’ within two sentences. And I think you mean ‘forbidding’, not ‘foreboding’.

I read on for more general things but noticed that you need a proof read. For example, you have ‘trying to inconspicuously to see’. OK you finish this first chapter with a snatch of action. In dealing with it you demonstrate rather different language and sensibility than in the foregoing section. I would say you are happier dealing with such as this and would encourage you to get into any action sooner. I felt you really took far too long establishing the scene, especially with your MC being on the transport and, effectively, not doing anything. In the end, this action is just a device to demonstrate the reality of the dangers that you have described but, really, it works well enough for you to rely more on it as a means of progressing your plot. I think you are stronger with this stuff and it shows. Think about playing to that strength more.

Raindancer is a work in progress.