Enchanted Trap

Elizabeth,

I found your book on the Fantasy read Swaps thread and I'm so glad I did.
The story you pitch is an interesting twist on Arthurian tales (as so many have said before me). I was, however a little hesitant on how you were going to pull it off.

I got drawn in almost instantly. Like some others I found there were bits that were confusing, not quite enough detail for me. The first mention of the 'Terran Outcast', the psi-rating (I'm an engineer, psi is a pressure unit but not sure what it means here), Ashira's premonition - I read it three times and wasn't sure what I was supposed to be seeing. I didn't understand the conversation with the Outcast and I'm assuming Outcast's can't be trusted but are often used???

Despite all that I had not trouble getting through the first two chapters and want to know more (when I have time to read more than 2 chapters...next millenium possibly :))

Personally I would like it slowed down a bit. At the moment it's like I'm blinking rapidly, I get snippets of the scenery but then the story moves on and I'm not sure I understood the relevance of what you were telling me. I don't really get to know Ashira and the relationship she has with her father - she must have some thoughts on why he hates her so much?? - before she's sold off and then I'm thrown a load of ritual stuff between Uther and Ashira and I'm not sure why she's hiding her fighting ability (what is a war maid?). So many questions.

You're writing is brilliant despite all that, when you describe you do it well and despite my confusion I want to read more.

I hope that helps in some way, I am aware it's probably a bit confusing.

Danielle

Elizabeth,

Here is my BHCG review of Enchanted Trap

Plot – opening, narrative flow/momentum - I had to read the opening first paragraphs in Chapter 1 several times to figure out what was going on. It may be too descriptive. I would recommend a quicker identification of the setting for idiots like me who don't read the pitch first :).

The years threw me off a bit. The earth years were only about 25 years apart, yet the technology seemed 2500 years apart.


Pacing – For me the start was slow, but it picked up through the 1st chapter and became an enjoyable read through the first five. For me it became a page turner during the Uther and Ashira parts.

Characters/Characterization - I like Arthur's struggle for independence in that difficult world.

Point of View/Voice – Great! Voice was mostly active. Any passive voice was not distracting.

Style – I liked how you switched back and forth between past and present. I was enjoying the Uther and Ashira story a lot, so anyone who enjoyed the other story

Sentence level – This was very well written. I only had one change:

Chapter 5 halfway through,

“He couldn’t accept his my mother as a war maid, a dislike that included me.” I would recommend changing that slightly because I had to read it a couple of times.

Dialogue – easy flow and natural.

Originality- Very original. I have never read a futuristic Arthurian tale. I liked your mix of past and present.

Publishability – I think so. You could self-publish and this would be a great read without a lot of needed editing. The first chapter was the slowest part for me. I will add this to my watchlist and continue reading when I’m done with writing my book.

You have done a nice job so far! Good luck and good writing!

John

Hi Elizabeth. I started my BHCG review tonight, but I was only able to read one chapter. I plan to read several more tomorrow and will submit a review as soon as possible.

John

BHCG review:

Commenting on this particular genre is way above my head, but I will share my thoughts with you. To start off I must say - brilliant writing. Period. You're amazing.

PLOT - you have a good plot that unfolds nicely, with good flow through each chapter (your use of language amazed me); and except for my own inability to keep up, I thought you maintained the momentum

PACING - didn't feel swamped with too much back story

CHARACTER/CHARACTERIZATION - I liked the introduction and distinguished them, and your descriptions are truly perfected

POINT OF VIEW/VOICE - didn't spot any sudden POV jumps or switches; maintained a good voice throughout

STYLE - except for my not being a sci-fi reader, your narrative is beautiful, descriptions are fabulous, the language rhythm helped with creating the intensity of the moments and mysteriousness of the characters' interractions

SENTENCE LEVEL - this piece seems impeccable when it comes to grammar; there were no unneded phrases or repetitive word usage

DIALOGUE - excellent

ORIGINALITY/PUBLISHABILITY - I have to defer to your research due to my unfamiliarity with this genre.

Well-deserved 6 stars from me. It reads very well!
Donna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

SF42

Chapter 1
- I’m a little lost. Your writing is so dense, and although there’s so much detail, there’s not much there.
- I’m not overly pulled in. The idea is interesting, and the writing is well done, but I feel as though I’m just gliding on the surface and right now I can either take it or leave it.

Chapter 2
- This chapter is MUCH better than the first! Little dialogue, but now I’ve been pulled down from the surface into the depths of the waters which is your book. Lovely description, but maybe a bit more? Different descriptions, perhaps? You describe appearances, superficial ones, but perhaps go a bit deeper, as you do in the line “one brown boot…a fierce light kindled in the deep-set eyes.” Do that more often, because you’re quite good at it.
- The wristband thing is quite interesting. I wonder if people would ever steal a gold one and pretend to be in the high caste? I suppose I’ll have to keep reading to find out, but it’s something that’s in my mind. I can see criminals having a tattooed wristband to forever mark them.
- You’ve pulled me so far into this book. I wish you had done this in the first chapter. I feel as though I’m reading a completely different book.
- I like how even though it’s quite far into the future, it’s in the past.

Chapter 3
- ….I want him, whoever this Duke is, I want him….
- No more comments for this chapter. I didn’t even realise I got to the end of the chapter!

Okay, so overall, my first impression of this book was terrible. Sorry. But I wanted to give you more comments, so I continued to read. I’m so glad that I did. As I said, it’s as if reading a completely different book. Going to the extreme, I would say ditch the first chapter or completely re-write it. I will definitely continue reading as soon as I finish writing this. I may not comment again, but read more, I shall! Highly starred! I noticed you’re also in Mayhem, so good luck there too!

- Nichole

BHCG review: Enchanted Trap:

Plot, narrative flow etc: Great pitches. Enticing, just the right amount of intrigue. I was hooked straight away. A good premise too. You have reeled me in with the promise of Arthur – one of my all time favourite myths/legends, whatever … I love the story of King Arthur and the grail quest especially. And the hint in the pitch of a battle between Merlin and Arthur, who once were allies, really stirs my imagination. So, good start! Not enamoured with the title but the cover’s very cool :)
C1 – Wow! Only word I can think of, other than, pretty damn good. :D
C2 – Well, I’m well and truly hooked. Just one bit that jarred (but only slightly) ‘metal hissed on leather’ I found this difficult to imagine – ‘thudded’ maybe – hissing would be more metal-on-metal.
C3 – Okay, I stopped at three chapters because I have my own stuff to write (:P) and, I have to say, reading this gave me encouragement – to write better! I liked the ending of this chapter.
- Good narrative flow. No awkward sentences etc to hold me up. Just an exciting, enjoyable read.

Pacing: C1 really, to me, should set the scene for the rest of the story ... I liked all the sci-fi stuff and I thought the scene in the Archive was pretty good writing. I see from some comments you've had this chapter jars with a few - maybe I have a brain that manages to take in lots of information because I was totally taken up with everything in C1. But I guess it's all very subjective - :)

Characters/characterization: Completely with Arthur in the first chapter. Really like the way you introduce him and the wise seer ‘Evegena’. And Circe. Ashira and Uther are strong characters. There’s sympathy for Ashira at play here and respect for Uther. Yep, excellent.

POV/Voice: Very strong. From Arthur through to Ashira … the voice changes to match the character – that’s no easy feat and is deserving of my homage :D

Sentence level etc: Nothing stood out. A nice, easy, flowing read. Well polished.

Dialogue: Superb. Enough said.

Originality: Not really. Well, yeah, okay, it’s original in its telling of Arthur etc. So, I stand corrected.

Publishability: One question: why isn’t it? Deserves to be and should be imho.

Can’t fault this, at all. Just a cracking good read. I’ll be back. One thing, can I read the rest?

Mick

Btw - I'm astonished this isn't higher in the charts ... starred and shelf pending ... there's a bit of a wait but it'll get there :)

Oo, if only this weren't an Arthurian. Lovely premise, great writing, fabulous character interaction and development. Great, great, great. If only it wasn't an Arthurian ;-) (that said, for an Arthurian, it's pretty damn good)

Elizabeth,
Okay I've only gotten into the first couple of chapters but just wanted to write a quick note to say I'm loving it and can't wait to read further. Your MS is very clean, your prose is evocative, the story line is amazing. This book has a ton of potential and I'm so glad I started reading it! Great, great work and I wish you the best of luck with it! 6 stars.

Bre
Memoria

Hi Elizabeth, just a quick comment for now for BHCG. I started reading your book this afternoon and will be going through it over the next couple of days. I think it will take me a little bit longer to get a feel for it only because it's sci fi. But I thought you had a great start. I want to be thorough, so I'll be back commenting based on the BHCG guidelines.I may give you ch by ch feedback, since I found that very helpful myself.
TDonna :)
(No Kiss Good-bye)

Hi Elizabeth,

A return read for the BHCG.

I really want to like this, especially as I get further into the lovely relationship between Uther and Ashira. You've developed their characters beautifully and I'd read everything you wrote about them. However, I'd skip over the stuff with Avalon and Arthur entirely, and my overall impression after 5 chapters is one of confusion.

Sci-fi and fantasy are not genres I read generally, but I WILL read them if the characterisation is good and I can grasp the setting and circumstances. Your characterisation of Ashira and Uther is brilliant, but I'm totally at sea with what's happening to Arthur. I read your pitches first, as I always do, and your LP confused me. You have a typo in there, by the way (you'll spot it instantly, I'm sure). I was roughly following things until the abrupt mention of the Archive.

I was utterly confused by the end of C1 and didn't really want to read on, but that wouldn't have been a fair return. I know, from your own reviews, that you're an intelligent and observant reader so I think the problem is that you've become too close to the writing. You can clearly see how everything fits together; what Arthur is, what the Archive is, what it means to be a Seer etc. But it's not getting conveyed to the reader. I think you need to strip this chapter back to its bare bones (which I've only been able to work out by re-reading the pitch and looking at other peoples' comments). Arthur has been bred specifically for his psychic powers, which he tries to hide from authority because he doesn't want to be a Seer, but a warrior on land. He's obsessed with the war, breaking rules to find out all he can (that's what I take his motivation to be). The main conflict of C1 is that he wants to go on land, but the government want him to be a Seer - correct? If so, concentrate on making that crystal clear, so when he breaks into the Archive, we understand his motivation. Lose as many of the minor details around that conflict as possible and keep it nice and simple. Likewise, when we meet Circe, a clear explanation somehow that she's been picked to be his breeding partner but he's deliberately holding out on her (why? that's not very clear to me).

I was also confused by what Outcasts were, and who this Outcast was who spoke to Ashira. I couldn't work out if he was with a party of traders, a party of raiders or what. Once Ashira was with Uther, I started to enjoy the story more and it was an easier ride for me. Then we jumped back to Arthur and I was at sea again (pardon the pun)! It's only through reading the other comments that I worked out Arthur is "re-living" Ashira's story through the Archive mind-link thingy. I think, perhaps, because you start Ashira's story from Uther's POV, as he watches her galloping past (at least, that's how I remember it starting). If Ashira's story is being fed to Arthur through the Archive, wouldn't it all have to be from Ashira's POV? That's where the sci-fi/tech side of things bamboozles me, because how could the Archive have ANY of that information anyway! But if, as your LP suggests, the Archive gives him the chance to "live" through Ashira, then I'd say it needs to be written entirely through Ashira's eyes....so that might be a bit of a problem.

So - I'm in a quandry. I love the bits with Ashira and Uther, but am totally confused by the thing overall. i love the idea of Merlin as a computer programme/virus/thingy, tempting Arthur with dreams and visions to encourage him to plug his brain into the Archive....why Merlin needs him to do that, however, I haven't the faintest idea. And that's where the problem with the book lies. Too much information and not enough of it at the same time. But I have every confidence in your abilities as a writer to fix this. Best of luck.

SF42

Elizabeth,

Nearly brilliant. That's what I think about your novel. I read the first four chapters and found myself enjoying the developing relationship between Ashira & the Duke much more than Arthur's story. I was quite surprised by my own reaction.....I'm more of a Sci-Fi bod and the psi and tekno stuff in Arthur's development should have hooked me more. So, now I've got to work out what my problem is with that opening chapter. I think I might have been overwhelmed with all the ideas - outcasts, alien wars, deeps, dreams - and I don't have the capacity to file everything in my tiny brain. The 3rd section of ch.1 is particularly daunting and the conversation with the Archive is a bit hard to follow. Personally I'd like ch.1 to be simpler and clearer. I got the gist of everything but detail made me stutter.

By contrast ch.2 is superb and I galloped along with Ashira very happily. The story is a lot simpler and flowing here. I love the descriptions of heathland activities. Is this a bronze age culture or is it medieval? Your writing is excellent and it seems clear of mistakes. In the first section of ch. 2 I wasn't sure whether the duke had really seen the War Maid because he notes that his warriors didn't notice anything and he talks about a premonition.

Anyway, ch.3 & 4 continue the high standard although the first section of ch. 4 takes me back to Arthur and I'm still having problems engaging with his story. I'm delighted when you take me back to Ashira. Perhaps the conversation at the end of ch. 4 could be shortened a bit without losing the impact.

I've not looked at any of your reviews yet because I find I'm too easily influenced by other people's thoughts. I'll have a look after I've finished.

Just a couple more things before I go. Your long pitch may put people off a bit. I'm convinced that a solid block of text is visually off putting. Perhaps cut back on the plot description and break it into a few paragraphs. I spotted a mistake in there 'Merlin needs a host.......and only one (will) do.'

The pitch tells me I've barely scratched the surface of the story and there's lot to come. For me, a bit of simplification at the start and I think this would be brilliant.

Gareth

SF42 review

Your story has a strong fantasy feel to it. I didn’t read the long pitch until afterwards (force of habit - I don’t read the blurb on bought books either), and I was a bit surprised when I did - it makes it sound much more like SF - I guess that comes later.
What I thought was particularly well done was how you controlled the revealing of information, letting it out through the flow of the story and not giving away too much all at once. For example, I got an inkling (but no more) that the Ch. 1 scene was underwater just from the hints you dropped.
The only exception to this was the first half of Ch. 2. Partly it was a case of too much description. It wasn’t the quality of the writing, rather that when starting on a new character and setting I want to get a sense of the characters and place as quickly as possible. Extensive descriptions that would be just fine once the story is up and running just get in the way at this point. I suspect you could improve it considerably by tightening up the writing and aiming for greater clarity - for example, I was never quite sure if the “duke of Tadgell” (should be “Duke”), the “Outcast”, and the traders were the same people or different. (I worked it out later) The second half of the chapter was much better with action that flowed much more crisply.
Ch. 3 and 4 had no problems and read smoothly.

Overall, I thought it was very assured, well-paced and with believable characters and plot. I hope it goes well for you

A couple of minor points I noticed:
“She wasn’t liked by any” - Maybe this is idiom - but it felt wrong to me. Better, “by anyone’?
“Acolytes don’t get permission to visit that primitive desolation” - “primitive desolation” felt a bit high falluting for normal conversation.
“never seen a likeness of her before or been allowed outside” -> “never seen a likeness of her before nor been allowed outside”
“no home, no family, or even a name” -> “no home, no family, nor even a name” (or better, “…, not even an identity” - ‘name’ is used again in next sentence)

Cheers
Maurice

Hello Elizabeth,

I was referred to your book by another writer here on Authonomy, Edwin P. Magezi. He told me your story is about King Arthur and Merlin. He thought since my book is also about those characters that we might enjoy the reads. Here is the link to mine. I have yours on my watch list and after reading your pitch, will get to it very soon. It looks like a winner.

Regards,

Mary Enck

http://www.authonomy.com/books/16956/a-king-in-time/

SF 42 --
Did my in-depth critting via email, so this is just a big-picture view. There are many intriguing elements to this sci-fi/fantasy mixture. We begin with a futuristic underwater city, where Arthur is a man with a high level of psi powers who feels trapped into training to become an Initiate when he would rather be a warrior and fight on the world's surface. Many elements of this opening chapter were interesting, making me want to learn more. The opening paragraph needs work, and I wonder if a different starting point may help. I feel too many new elements are introduced to the reader too quickly, so starting at a different point may allow the author to introduce these elements at a better pace. I like that the author isn't explaining all the new elements, but in order to skip exposition it is important to ensure the reader can understand everything from context.

The second chapter brings us to the surface, where whatever cataclysm destroyed the old world has for the most part been overgrown by a new world that has evolved into something resembling a feudal society. The first half of this second chapter feels a tad rushed in places, but then it settles down once the warrior maiden is given away to Uther, the mysterious lord.

Rather than take us back underwater, the third chapter continues from where the second left off. The relationship between Ashira the warrior maid and Uther grows, and we get some nice action with an attack by flying reptiles. I'm a little concerned that by spending too much time with one MC, the reader may begin to forget about Arthur.

Elizabeth (or CN)
This is a really excellent science fiction, romance, fantasy read. I've read up to chapter 6 so far, and I'm very much gripped. 
I think that your universe is compelling; if not unique, at least enough of a variant to be interesting. I think Ashira is a very compelling protagonist and heroine, while Uther is a good love interest. On the other side, Arthur is intreaguing as a sci fi character. 
Hook and plot- While I appreciated the sting woman nemesis at the beginning of the story, I found the emphasis in "seed" in the first chapter an in appealing hook. However, you quickly make up for it with the hint of Arthur's abilities and his resistance. The hook comes more strongly for me in chapter two where you bring in Ashira. I also liked the philosophical computer.
Your plot hooks are subtle at this point, as the relationship with her new husband seems stable and Arthur's quest to learn about his roots seems just curiosity. But there is a feeling of urgency and lose ends in both stories which drive me on. The net effect is a coming, but subtle hook. 
Character development. I very much like Ashira, and your foreshadow  of her as a catalyst to a war makes her very rich. Gentle but strong, smart and reserved, she is a great  heroine for not only the Sci-fi fantasy, but also the romance novel aspect. 
I think Uther is also well developed. You managed to surprise me with his mix of ruthlessness and gentleness. 
Arthur is also very compelling in his frustration, and a bit of an enigma. I am a bit bothered by the forced union and forced sexuality, but you ease it with the gentleness of his treatment of his consort. 
The supporting characters are also well developed, with the possible exception of her father, who seems a bit exaggerated in his cruelty.  However, I am sure there is more to his than this. 
Ambiance- you have good, compelling descriptions of both worlds. Although at times I felt I was a bit unsure about the rules in the futuristic world, it was in keeping with the ambiance.  In the medieval like world the Descriptions are rich and engaging. I like your dragons (forgot what you call them), and the cast system with the bracelets. 
Internal consistency- I have a bit of an issue with a futuristic society not being able to simply extract what they need from Arthur. I also found it hard to believe that he would be able to evade security as he went to the archives. Other than this, I had little trouble swallowing the premise. As regards the medieval like world, I had little issues, save the aforementioned extreme punishment rendered by her father. 
I did not take notes on mechanics,  except in ch 5 where you need a carriage return after the year and ch 6, "Had the archive had"

My only other comment  is that I'm not clear of the need to refer to the Arthurian myth at all in the pitch. It was almost a turn off for me, because it's such a crowded space. I might even recommend a name change for Arthur- maybe something more subtle. This is a minor point, though. 
All In all, a great success. Six stars and on the waiting list for my shelf. 
Best of luck with it,
Maeve. 

SF42

I read the first three chapters of your book, and I think it's very well-written. The narrative really comes to life with its wonderful descriptions, and the dialogue is archaic enough to bring to mind a fantastical world without being alienating. You do a great job of transporting the reader into this world you've created.

I was a little confused as to what exactly is going on, and I ended up having to re-read the long pitch for an explanation. I get the idea that Arthur is the product of a eugenics program who is psychic, and that he wants out of this life, and then you abruptly switch to Ashira's story. From the long pitch, you say that this is what Arthur's seeing in his mind, but that's not made clear in the narrative, so the sudden change is rather perplexing. I think you've got a lot of great ideas, and that you've created a very intricate world, so I think there needs to be a bit more of an explanation as to what's going on and how things are connected.

Anyhow, other than that, I don't have much to say! You've got a wonderful blend of sci-fi and fantasy here, and your characters really come to life. I wish you the best of luck with it.

Cheers,
M.
Astral Sea: The Pandora Project

SF42

Hi C/Elizabeth

I've finally got round to trying again. Your update has fixed most of what I'd picked up the first time round, so there's next to nothing in the first chapter this time. My notes:

The first paragraph feels like it should be three.

It seems like it would work quite well to have a brief flashback paragraph here and there as he's being taken in to see Evengena - to show us how he was caught.

You call it 'sentient', but other than that, the change to it being curious and perhaps having a personality is quite abrupt.

'...he'd had another vision(,) for no ruler...'

'Another premonition' doesn't seem to fit with 'the first in five years'.

'ensured Mehill (was) impregnable', surely?

'A patrol approached(,) heading out...'

"Agreed(,)" the dark man's voice grated.'

I'm confused as to what a War Maid is. I assumed it meant she was some kind of warrior, and yet she just lies there to let him kill her without any thought of fighting back. She had such thoughts earlier, but not for some reason they have disappeared, and she's just a frightened, helpless girl.

'she might have learned to love'? Really? Just because he's handsome? That's a very odd, non-sensical thought to have.

'battle skills' - there it is again. So she can fight, and yet when faced with sudden execution, it doesn't occur to her to do so?

I still don't really know what's going on, which I'm not sure is a good thing after three long chapters. It is very well written, and the premise is good. There's very little I can say about it. Good luck with it :)

I read your first three chapters.

General comments: A convincing, high octane start. Arthur and Ashira are wonderful characters. I want them to succeed. Thought-provoking dialogue and narrative. Thorough world building. Artful descrptions that bring important added dimension to your scenes. Excellent sense of place. Well-crafted tension. Edgy pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) Excellent opening sentence. I'm hooked.
2) ' ... her hand over her waving blonde hair.' Should 'waving' be 'wavy?'
3) ' ... to give the unbilicus easy access to the comm. link implanted in his skull.' Try to avoid using abbreviations. They interrupt the story flow.
4) 'Curling blond hair outlined her face like a helmet.' Blond = male. Blonde = female.
5) Excellent end of chapter hook.

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) 'The two narrow entrances to this valley ensured Menhill an easy place to, deterring even the flying lizards where ... ' 'An easy place to' do what?
2) 'The untidy blond curls, windswept from her ride, needed braiding.' Blond = male. Blonde = female.
3) "The cattle of this region yield high quality milk." A deep voice answered from behind Ashira. Comma after 'milk' and 'A' should be lowercase. 'A deep voice answered' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question or exclamation) and the first word of the dialogue tag is lowercase (unless it's a person's name).

Specific comments on the third chapter:
1) 'Warmth seeped from him, making her feel safe in his arms.' Try to avoid using the verb 'feel.' Just describe the warmth she feels so realistically the reader will experience it along with Ashira. By doing this, the reader will be plunged deeper into the scene.
2) "What is amiss?" The duke whispered in her ear. 'The' should be lowercase. 'The duke whispered' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the first word of the dialogue tag is lowercase (unless it's a person's name).
3) "Is Hald planning a night raid? Put a closing quote mark after 'raid.'
4) "Loosen up girl, you're as stiff as a post," he said. Comma after 'up.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas.
5) 'Cool water felt so pleasant, so relaxing.' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe her reactions to the water so vividly the reader will experience them along with Ashira. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into the scene.

I hope these comments help you further polish you all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for judging in the bracket game and for your very thorough review of "Savannah Oak."

Bless you.

Al

Elizabeth, you have created a really great story here. I read both Sci-Fi and Fantasy, and have also read quite a bit of Arthurian literature. I enjoyed the melding of the two genres – an original premise. I was intrigued by the two worlds within worlds: Avalon beneath the waves, inhabited by Seers and Initiates, and the primitive, mediaeval-style world above, with its banded castes, Kings and Outcasts: Ashira’s cultural background is well evoked. In Avalon, I loved the description of the submariners – ordinary people – going about their lives, like a shoal of tiny darting fishes.

Your world-building creates two unique settings simultaneously, and draws the reader in as the connections between Ashira’s past and Arthur’s present become apparent. This plot development works well. Arthur is searching for clues about his ancestry, and desperate to escape life as an Initiate (and from the breeding programme!) despite his feelings for Circe. At the same time, Ashira finds herself thrust into a new life with Uther – a man completely unlike any other she has known, compassionate and honourable and yet darkly mysterious.

My only criticism is that sometimes I felt the prose could do with sharpening. It’s something I am also dealing with in my own writing… I occasionally found myself reading a sentence twice, especially in the prologue. There was a great deal of information to take in, which I felt could perhaps be reserved for later in the story. This tended to detract from Arthur’s story. However, it also strongly evoked a credible sci-fi world, so my suggestion would be to more evenly space this detail throughout.

THE ENCHANTED TRAP has an intricate plot, a fascinating blend of genres, tantalising worlds, and intriguing characters. Well done :-)

There’s a lot to like here, Elizabeth. I don’t read a lot of sci-fi or fantasy (to be honest, I’m not sure why?? I am, after all, a big fan of these genres in film??) but I really enjoyed your opening chapters. The prose is generally very smooth with a good blend of simple, direct storytelling and more elaborate, evocative descriptive passages (I particularly liked the opening paras to chapter 2 – beautifully written and very visual) to set the scene/allow the reader to empathise with a character’s thoughts, emotions etc.

I did, however, find the opening chapter much less fluent than the rest of the book. To be honest, I’m not 100% sure why. I think part of it might be a slight feeling of disorientation on my part as I try and come to grips with this strange new world you’ve conjured (there is an awful lot going on in the chapter and I did feel rather overwhelmed by the detail) but there’s also a distinct stiffness, almost awkwardness to some of the phrasing (eg ‘compelling his steps to the inner sanctum’, ‘Evegena ceased her task on the interface’) which makes for a rather uninvolving read. Oddly, the rest of the book has a much more naturalistic, less self-conscious feel and flows beautifully. There’s just something about the phrasing in the opening chapter which distanced me from the narrative??

The sense of ‘place’ and ‘time’ is subtly but very persuasively evoked – the detail is just enough to set the scene and offer a flavour of this strange, fantastical world without ever getting in the way of the narrative. Nicely done. I also like the way you occasionally introduce detail which will be familiar to the reader (eg the cockroaches). Strangely, these odd moments of familiarity make this magical, alien world feel much more real and fully formed. Clever stuff.

The dialogue seems real and purposeful and the various ‘voices’ feel both consistent and distinct. I particularly like the way you leave much of the conversational exchanges freestanding (without dialogue tags) – good way to keep the pace of the novel ticking over and lend an immediate, almost filmic quality to the scenes. As I say, I don’t read a lot of sci-fi/fantasy so I can’t really offer an opinion on the originality of the plot but it certainly feels well thought out and multi-faceted with plenty of scope for adventure, intrigue, drama, pathos etc

In short, a very well written, stylishly conceived opening. Highly starred. Thanks and best of luck. P

Hi, there – this is your BHCG review from AudreyB. As you may know, I am accompanied on my reviews by my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag. Whatever you don’t agree with was likely her doing.

I am way outside my wheelhouse reading your fantasy book. I seldom read any fantasy so I won’t have a good idea of how your work compares to other fantasy books. But I can comment on all kinds of other stuff.

Plot – opening, narrative flow/momentum
Immediately I’m introduced to a Hag. This is a first! The Hag meets a Hag. Now she’s all excited.

I like the way you’ve introduced a character we know, or think we know, and given him qualities and characteristics unlike those we’ve come to associate with him.

I laughed out loud when a cockroach skittered across the floor. Those things show up everywhere! They’re in fantasy, too?

I do feel I’m getting an awful lot of information in this first chapter. That must be maddening to hear. You’re trying to tell me a story and naturally need to provide details. But this chapter, for whatever reason, feels jam-packed.

Consider which information is essential to the plot, and give us that and only that. Give us a little time to absorb the world in which Arthur lives, see how he functions within it.

Characters/Characterization
And having read a bit further, my Hag admires your Hag. She’s feisty.

I am not getting enough of a feel for the sort of person this Arthur is. I realize world-building has to take up some time, but as the story is focused on him, I want to get to know him better.

Point of View/Voice
Third person, with the focus on Arthur, which seems to work for the story.

Style – very subjective but good to know if it works or not for the reader
You have a straightforward style but the vocabulary for your world is intense. I encounter a new word in every paragraph. That’s a lot of vocab.

Sentence level – grammar, repetitive structure, wordiness, unneeded phrases etc
You write very economically and well. Your word chose and usage are excellent. No worries here.

Dialogue
I’m a little baffled by the conversation Arthur has with Circe, which may be because I’m not adept at following your world building.

Originality
I’m afraid I can’t be much help here. I have noticed that the idea of a fantasy novel peopled with Arthurian characters is a common subject here on Authonomy.

Publishability
So far, this strikes me as interesting and fresh. I think the pacing could be fixed with a few tweaks.

All the best to you,
~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

Hey C.N I am not a sci-fi fan, but I must give credit where it is due. First of all it is a well written story. Secondly , you set the scenes up superbly.Excellent decriptions. I am always in awe with people such as yourself who's imagination can concoct such a unique story . Great job added to my w/l list

So glad I finally got around to checking out your excellent book. I’m not a sci fi fan unfortunately so I don’t have anything to compare it with – therefore I’m not exactly the best qualified to comment. I do think it is very well written. Strong spare writing with interesting imagery. Internal monolgue is also good and characters are clear and crisp.
I think it might work also very well as a film script – but then we wouldn’t see the depth of writing that we see here of course.
I do agree that your long pitch could be simplified and even broken into two paras. Its too much information in one block and could be off-putting.
High stars from me – I wish I loved the genre more, as I think it deserves more praise than I’m giving it here! I’m putting it on my W/L and reading more over the next week for now.
Best wishes and hope to comment further soon.

Victoria

Dear Elizabeth

I have read to the end of chapter four of "Enchanted Trap" this morning.

Your writing here feels incredibly ambitious, especially in those passages dealing with Arthur and his private battle to make up his mind. There is a lot of detail to take in, yet rarely does your writing feel forced. Your descriptive passages are vivid and beautifully wrought. So much colour! I feel that you have done a lot of research, to make your plot sound so plausible and convincing.

If I have any suggestions, these are, firstly to take another look at your long pitch, which could perhaps be simplified.

Also, there are occasions when your use of vernacular feels out of place. "Busted" jars in the setting of sparse beauty that you work hard to convey.

It might help to occasionally have a little more backstory, so that you do not have to cram so much information into each sentence. A place you might add some backstory could be at the point where Ashira is returning from her ride, before she goes to tidy herself and meet her father. There is a natural pause, where you could certainly expand on the background. While I certainly appreciate that you limit backstory to keep the pace moving forward, occasionally I am slowed down by the denseness of your writing.

Having said all that, I want to reassure you, you have a wonderful story here, set in an eerie but convincing otherworld. I am very happy to sprinkle lots of stars on writing of this quality.

All the best

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-))

BHCG Review:

I've only read the first chapter, but the world you have created seems to be very indepth and expansive. This world where people are assigned to breed with women and must have certain roles. It reminds me, in a sense, of the book The Giver.

The only issue i am having so far that has halted me from reading farther is that I feel like I have had to digest a lot of information in only the single chapter. There are a lot of terms and positions and technology that I don't understand. I couldn't truly get into the story because of that. In my opinion, I think the story could do with a small prologue. Something maybe two or three paragraph that explains how Earth became like this and a small description of the system of administration (think beginning of Star Wars without the music and scrolling text). Nothing lengthy, just something to let the reader know where and when they are.

Kat
The Darkness of Gold

This is a Women's Only Review
Hi there, I've only read the first chapter so far but I have put it on my watchlist. I enjoyed what I have read so far.
I found your use of language both literary and evocative, some of your images were particularly effective for example the "cold water escaping inside him". One that I couldn't understand however was "Arthur stared a hole in her" not sure whether this was a typo??. To some extent I agree with Nightdream in that you have introduced a lot of terms and concepts in this first chapter which take a bit of rereading to absorb fully, however it won't put me off reading more!
lots of luck,
Vera

ENCHANTED TRAP by C.N. Lesley

CHAPTER 1
First off let me tell you that you are the first writer to not write the chapter heading. I know I shouldn’t be telling you this because it has nothing to do about your writing but it stood out for me. :)

Not a bad opening paragraph. Like the image of a man, Arthur, giving in and letting himself be taken.

When I read that Arthur entered into the presence of the skeletal hag, I wasn’t sure if the hag was Evegena. I assume she is after reading it for a second time. Also, watch out for giving us too much vocab without explaining what it is. You already got a lot coming at us and it’s just the beginning. You got the Initiates and the Seers and Sanctuary. Remember we are hearing about this for the first time so make sure we get to know them. We don’t want to get lost and not know things. We want to learn about your world and then be taken into it after understanding it. I know it’s just the beginning but I just wanted to tell you this now.

‘permission and I see from’ . . . ‘permission, and I see from’

‘ . . . mistress with viable seem. Explain yourself.’ lol. It’s this dialogue that just pulled me into your story. You have me intrigued by this assigned breeding that he declined and it was written funny.

‘Maybe I’m not fertile.” :)

‘She swung the monitor back . . ‘ . . . ‘Evegena swung the monitor back . . ‘ then change ‘Evegena at the beginning of the next sentence to ‘She’.

Again, you are throwing in a lot your world’s vocab in: Hakara chamber. Do you really have to say ‘Hakara’? Might be better with only chamber. I don’t know what it is that’s bugging me about the TINY problem, but something is making say it’s unnecessary at least for right now. Remember at the beginning of your story you don’t want to lose your reader to anything. It’s very important you draw them in and not draw them away from things like this or grammar or other small things that can easily be fixed. But don’t get me wrong, I like your story right now. You have pulled me in. Just want to make sure you get all of the potential you can get out of this first chapter.

Not a fan of the dream sequence. It’s very great writing though but did little to me. What I want right now is to learn about this breeding. No going elsewhere. I want to know more about it. I think you should explain right of the bat who and what Circe is. I’m reading about her yet I don’t know what she looks like. She seems to be playing a big role so far so I would like to know a little about her. Even Arthur needs some description. I don’t know what both of these people look like.

When you tell us the meaning of the Hakara chamber THEN it’s okay to have Hakara because we no know what it is: a pain amplifier known for breaking the spirits of its victims. So here it works well.

What I would focus on this chapter is don’t give us TOO much info about the world. It’s doesn’t seem like a lot but there’s much to understand and it slows down the read. Sure I can pick up on it but I really have to take my time with it when all I want to do is zoom through it because I’m so interested in this breeding idea. It just works for me. Because of your strong writing and this immense pull I got with the breeding idea it get’s 6 stars. I would, however, thinking about splitting the chapter in two. It’s up to you because in print it’s not that long, just as an online read that it appears long.

Dear Elizabeth,

I just loved "Enchanted Trap". You have done a very good job of splicing the two different POVs together, keeping us interested in both because one is interested in the other. I suspect the reason for this success is the great empathy we have for both characters.

One point that does bother me is the fact that the duke is just too good a person. He is just so understanding and wonderful to her. He is such a complete contrast to the weird scene where her father trades her for a sack of copper ore. That whole scenario seemed so unreal. The only explanation that would take it out of the realm of the bad Romance novel is if it were completely from her narrow POV. This would make her father unreally bad, and the duke unreally (if there is such a word) good. However, we know this story is coming from a computer. I hope this dichotomy is solved in the ensuing chapters.

Highly recommended. I think you're going to zoom up the Authonomy ladder.

Gordon Long
"Out of Mischief"

You have done a great job with that ever important first line. Not only am I intrigued by it, but it tells me a lot about the world you’re developing. It gives me just what I need to situate myself in the story. From there, the story continues to drag me forward with active, polished writing. Instead of opening with an infodump like so many fantasy and science fiction stories, you effortlessly create the setting, characters, and mood through the opening conflict. This works incredibly well.

I love the world you’ve built. While I have read and seen movies with controlling societies like the one you have created, I have never read one quite like yours. You take the familiar and make it your own, and it is outstanding. Eugenics, forced breeding, no freedom. I’m hooked, and I’m not even halfway through chapter one.

The short scenes create a fast, easy-to-read pace. There’s never a dull moment in these opening pages. The conversation with the Archive was by far my favorite part; the exchange was well done and compelling. And how dare you leave me hanging at the end of chapter one. Outstanding hook!

This is one of the best, if not the best, sci-fi/fantasy novels I’ve come across on authonomy. If I had opened this at the book store, I would have purchased this. Let me know when it is published. Fantastic work!

A BHCG Review

From your pitch I was intrigued and also sceptical. My immediate thought was that recreating the Arthur/Merlin legend into this post-apocalyptic, sci-fi genre could be risky.
I’m not a big reader of sci-fi and so I did feel a little out of my depth from the outset, maybe could have done with a bit more to set the scene, but the style was beautiful and meticulously crafted. You really know your genre and the writing style is perfect for it. It’s a very visual narrative, almost cinematic. I think the plot is very compelling and flows well, definitely suspenseful, only problem was there was not enough of it! Definitely intrigued to see how the story will develop. The characters are engaging, Arthur is a protagonist the reader can get behind, and the dialogue is very realistic. I do think it could work well as a standalone story, maybe even develop into a series of books, without playing on the popularity of Arthur, but I think this will bear some interest for other readers.
I think it would appeal to the YA readership in particular, but as with all YA could be some cross over, I don’t know if there would be some trouble of the Arthur thing to do with publishing though. Overall a very engaging and literary piece of writing, perhaps more for the sci-fi fan but the writing skill and narrative can be appreciated by any reader.

Faina

I be Yerwun's friend. Really liked this and it's going on the shelf. The tension between Ashira and Uther was great.

I want to read more :-(
This book really has something, I think. I love the idea of Arthurian legend in a futuristic setting, and I love the mixture of the advanced and the primitive. Though I've only seen one chapter of him so far, Arthur seems like a great character, and Ashira and Uther's interactions have been very interesting.

As far as criticism goes...there were a few places where I thought sentences needed to be broken up more with commas or were a bit unclear, and for some reason I don't care as much about Ashira yet as I did about Arthur immediately. Her character is a little vague so far.

But I still found this to be a great mix of action, plot and character interaction. I'd put it on my shelf straight away except there's really nothing I can bump off it atm. I'll ask my friend to take a look at it; it seems like her kinda thing. And if she doesn't shelve it, then I'll come back and back it when I do have space. Might even do that anyway :-)

Hi, this is a BHCG crit.

I'm no expert.

Pitch – I found the pitch interesting.

Merlin needs a host body capable of containing his power and only one with do. ----- I think that ‘with’ might need to be ‘will’

Plot – opening, narrative flow/momentum

My first thought of your opening chapter were mixed. I don’t read a great deal of fantasy stories but what I feel make them stand out from the crowd is the world built that comes from the imagination of the writer. It all appears here, although we are introduced to a variety of concepts, I did wonder how clear they all are. For example I have no idea what a ‘mind-grip’ is, or any idea of what an Initiate is or looks like. Same with sanctum of Sanctuary – and also we have no idea where we are who the observers are or what the skeletal hag is or looks like, or for that matter what a work interface is or looks like. Same with ‘His psi factor’ we really need to know what all this means. Same as digits exciting him…what’s a digit?

I think fantasy is one genre where the writer really needs to introduced the reader to the world by visually and vividly describing the world. The world needs to be built up in a manner that the reader is clear from the outset of where they are and what all the objects are. It is in the fantasy world that I feel a slow build up or prologue assists greatly in having that world made clear to a reader.

I went and read some crits already received after I typed my initial thoughts and noticed that a few readers have compared this to the Arthurian legend. I think this is where you need to be careful, not to assume that readers are familiar with this legend or those in it or if you are using words from another fantasy story, again not to assume a fantasy reader will be familiar with concepts from particular stories. Yours need to be unique and very clear to a new reader to your story.

Pacing – too much backstory or too little

I didn’t have any issue with the pacing

Characters/Characterization

This again is mixed in with my comment regarding plot – although I think you dialogue is fine, I really had no idea of what anyone in this world looks like. What makes them different, than anything in this world.

Point of View/Voice

We appear to be in Arthur’s throughout and as this appears his story I think that is fine.

Style – very subjective but good to know if it works or not for the reader

The style of writing works fine. There isn’t a great deal of technical issues in this that a more edits won’t fix.

Sentence level – grammar, repetitive structure, wordiness, unneeded phrases etc
Generally good.

Dialogue

I thought your dialogue is good.

Some nit picks below for you to consider when you do your next edit.

Dismissed, Arthur bowed from the waist, -----I don’t think you need ‘from the waist’ a bow is a bow

Within the hidden depths of a cowl were eyes so black they reflected none of the flames, a predator's hypnotic link with cornered prey. -----what or who is the prey – show us what he can see.

By the deeps, she shared his nightmare. -----what are the deeps?

Circe lay curled, her hands over her waving blonde hair.----- do you mean wavy blond hair?

Good luck with this.

Hi Elizabeth
I enjoyed reading this first chapter - a nice bit of world-building and an original one too. I found your writing very smooth and definately manicured - no clunky sections or grammaticals that I found and I'm usually quite discerning on that score. I am intrigued re the surface world and Arthur's lineage and will definately read on with this and let you know how I go. Starred and on my w/l. There's definately enough hook to keep me turning.
Derek - The Angel Chord

Thanks so much for your comments on my chapters. Like your book, the action swings between past and present and it is nice that you would go on reading. I am also happy Arthur is coming over as I intended.

Hi Elizabeth, just read the three chapters currently uploaded. Your pitch promises a very new and refreshing take on the Arthurian legend and one that intrigued me.

You have clearly put a great deal of time and thought into the future Earth. The first chapter shows Arthur as conflicted and wanting to break free from the control he is experiencing. His actions show a rebellious side to his character which has potential for plenty of antagonism. I'm not sure yet why the other two chapters switch to Ashira and Uther as nothing in the pitch about them but I'm interested in their characters and situation so want to keep reading.

Your writing feels strong and polished to me.

Hi Elizabeth, just read the three chapters currently uploaded. Your pitch promises a very new and refreshing take on the Arthurian legend and one that intrigued me.

You have clearly put a great deal of time and thought into the future Earth. The first chapter shows Arthur as conflicted and wanting to break free from the control he is experiencing. His actions show a rebellious side to his character which has potential for plenty of antagonism. I'm not sure yet why the other two chapters switch to Ashira and Uther as nothing in the pitch about them but I'm interested in their characters and situation so want to keep reading.

Your writing feels strong and polished to me.

Hi Lindsay,

Thanks so much for looking at my stuff and for the comment on Arthur. I am trying to get him more sympathetic but I haven't hit the right note yet by the looks of it. I'll wade back in at some point and try to get him more people friendly. LOL.

Sorry, but I won't be loading any more chapters here. Authonmy is an open site and more than three online in such a place counts as self-publishing and the loss of first rights for a traditional publisher. So it is not going to happen unless I exhaust all my options and decide to go the indie route. Thanks for the interest, though. It made my day!

Elizabeth.

Hi Elizabeth I enjoyed this.
While I confess I didn't warm to Arthur; Ashira was well drawn, as is her slow warming to Uther, which is a difficult path to describe convincingly.
I didn't spot any typos - which means either you've already carefully edited, or wrote so well I didn't notice!

Let me know when you've uploaded some more, I wouldn't mind reading on.

Lindsay
A Priest's Tale

Hi Elizabeth I enjoyed this.
While I confess I didn't warm to Arthur; Ashira was well drawn, as is her slow warming to Uther, which is a difficult path to describe convincingly.
I didn't spot any typos - which means either you've already carefully edited, or wrote so well I didn't notice!

Let me know when you've uploaded some more, I wouldn't mind reading on.

Lindsay
A Priest's Tale

I found this very intriguing and unique in the genre of fantasy.
I don't know how you fantasy writers do it. You must have exceptional imaginations!
I would second the comment from Mary, it is amazing how you've invented an entire world.
At first I thought, not another Autherain legend, but this is very different and I loved the first chapter on the Acolytes and the Archive.
This has awakened my own imagination!
Highly starred.
Best of luck with this, from Orma

Thanks so much for your comments and kind remarks. You are right. I am not blindly following the Mallory version. It is my intention to be different from anyone else so I am thrilled I am hitting the mark.

I found this very intriguing and unique in the genre of fantasy.
I don't know how you fantasy writers do it. You must have exceptional imaginations!
I would second the comment from Mary, it is amazing how you've invented an entire world.
At first I thought, not another Autherain legend, but this is very different and I loved the first chapter on the Acolytes and the Archive.
This has awakened my own imagination!
Highly starred.
Best of luck with this, from Orma

Some of the best writing I have come across on this site, or in any recent books I have read. I really admire your imagination, too. Amazing to be able to invent a whole world, people it with believable characters and situations, and to keep it so the the reader can relate to it, emotionally, as well. backing this with pleasure. Mary

Thanks so much, Mary. You made my day! I am especially grateful as I know how busy you are.

Some of the best writing I have come across on this site, or in any recent books I have read. I really admire your imagination, too. Amazing to be able to invent a whole world, people it with believable characters and situations, and to keep it so the the reader can relate to it, emotionally, as well. backing this with pleasure. Mary