Wormholes Book One: The Abomination

Wormholes One. Jane Dougherty

Hi. This is a YARG review.

Pitches – These worked. They had a sort of Terry Pratchett feel to them and definitely attracted me to the read. Liked the ‘Supermarket at the end of the world’ and the creepy sounding characters due to turn up.

Beginning was also appealing. I like it when books start with perhaps not the main character or an explosion etc. I enjoyed the cat and its reactions. I liked watching events from her perspective, and the signs that something was amiss. (tiny irrelevant point – do mice have ‘muzzles’?) Both animals are frozen between their normal lives and the appearance of the black hole. I thought it worked really well as a beginning.

Characters – Tully and Cara are instantly likeable. You didn’t give exhaustive descriptions of them immediately either, which always seems clunky. I liked the mismatch of Benito and Stalin and thought you allowed us to get to know them and draw our own conclusions about them.

Some good description of place and atmosphere – nice smilies and comparisons and a knack for creating the feel of a place thereby.

Then chapter one takes right off with the rocks falling down among the students!

Chapter Two also kicks off with lots of action which kept me reading. I was a bit thrown by the comments about her mum, in the middle of all this happening. It was a great way to let us know about her, but it seemed a bit sudden where it was. On second reading, perhaps it’s ok, though I was more immersed in her thoughts and feeling about what she was looking at to think she might be thinking in such detail about her mum.

Was a bit thrown by the word ‘seism’ and wondered why you didn’t just say earthquake. You wouldn’t want readers stopping to look it up like I had to (ok, don’t say it – I’m just maybe dumb!) I’ve read up to chapter five. Not entirely sure why all this is happening yet, but you’ve created a very rounded world that is very believable and thick with events. Have stars for now.
Cariad.

Hi, there – this is your YARG review from AudreyB. I am often accompanied on my reviews by my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag. If I say anything you don’t like, it was probably her idea.

I really like your first paragraph. Nice strong, clear verbs and a cat. I didn’t much like the “she settled. No she didn’t” bit though I know what you meant. She settled, but she didn’t relax…or some other description might work better. I like the whole beginning bit. The hole seems more menacing than it would had you just told me about the black hole.

The first conversation between Carla and Tully strikes me as a lot of information about nothing. Also, as a teacher, I am surprised by the amount of information they share during class.

Your manuscript is very, very clean and well-edited. Props to you for your writing mechanics. The poor Hag has nothing to do.

I think—but am not quite certain—that when Carla shrugs and grins and then says “It’s traditional,” that the dialog should go in the same para as the shrug and grin.

In this segment I’m reading lots of verbs of being where you could easily avoid them…the quadrangle was dry and brown, the plane trees were struggling. It’s all the more noticeable when compared with the wonderful writing in the first segment.

When Tully and Carla talk over lunch I have the feeling I’m hearing insignificant information. The first chapter is valuable property; whatever we learn here should be vital. But it seems trivial. I get a glimpse of Tully’s father and see that Carla is pleasant and generous. Now that I’ve read more, I understand that you wanted to provide a look at their lives as they were. Perhaps their conversation could include some hints about the global chaos? An opinion from one parent or another? A hint that Carla’s father is attending the World whatever whatever. Some insights into their personalities, the strengths or weaknesses that might aid them or hinder them after the Apocalypse.

I wonder if their dialog is just a bit too wordy? I was in debate, so I knew plenty of kids who really did talk like this, but it’s contributing to the feeling that their words aren’t important.

Then we finally get a glimpse of the state of the world. So far, every single detail of the story could take place in today’s world. I think some hints earlier on would be appropriate.

I floundered a bit when Carla and Tully talk after their stay in the Communications Room. Yes, you want this writing to reflect the chaos of the scene, but you also need to help us follow along.

At the top of chapter 2 we find that Carla’s mother may have been in the rubble of a Buddhist temple. What? There was no mention of this earlier. The paragraph at the top of Ch 2 contains information we might have learned earlier, such as mom’s fascination with antiquities.

After the Indian brothers help Carla over the fence, Tully remarks that they’ve been waiting for that day. This seems like an awfully immature and inappropriate thing to say. Maybe he’d comment on how helpful they were, or something like that. But to imply that they are enjoying what appears to be a chaotic destruction of life as we know it seems just plain creepy.

It’s very effective that we see the crane fall after glimpsing it earlier.

Find some synonyms for the word grinned. Way too many grins, particularly for the circumstances.

You’ve got ‘freshly hovered’ where I imagine you wanted ‘freshly hoovered.’

I’m a little surprised she has an ivory monkey? You appear to be using the spectre of global warming as a premise for this destruction, yet you’re OK with an illegal ivory souvenir? It seems inconsistent, though on reflection it could be another antiquity. Might be worth noting that.

I think your ideas will be popular with the YA crowd, particularly because you feature a boy and girl together. We need lots more adventurous girls and tons more boys, period. I suspect if I read beyond Ch 3 I’d find more glimpses of the wonderful writing at the start of Ch 1, likely where the action really picks up.

Use all the feedback you receive to make your ms sparkle. I think this could be an amazing book.

~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

Hi Jane...yes threw my eyes over the first chapter. it appears that Carla likes to shrug and smile often. i dont really like "speech" within a paragraph. ie,"Looks like we're in for a hell of a storm," Tully murmured. everywhere students were bending over to collect...etc. i shall continue; however, slowly.
Pat

Your characters have good personalities and great conversational skills. I've skimmed the book quickly and now i'm reading it slowly in my down time. good mental distraction from my writing. I like it.

Jane,

Had a look at Wormholes (and then read your message properly! – I will put Dark Citadel on the reading list for another time :)). I will give you my two-penn’orth on Wormholes for now.

It has taken me a while to decide what I actually think of it. I am enjoying it (up to chapter 3 so far), it is a nice fast pace, it is an interesting and very current topic and your two main characters are instantly likeable. I also like that they are already in a relationship and this is not going to start out as a teen-romance will-he-won’t-she. This is about the action and plenty of it.

Where I come unstuck is that I find the prose a little disjointed. Whilst it appears to be written from character POVs it tends to flit from one to another without a clear break and for me this irritates – I hasten to add that I realise it is a personal preference. I like to know who’s head I’m in, with clearly defined change points.

An example of where it caught me was when they are climbing over the fence and we have been seeing things from Tully’s POV until now and then suddenly we get a glimpse of what Carla feels or knows (someone she knew vaguely by sight) and then we flip back to Tully as he sees the crane falling. What I would say is that it is irrelevant whether she knew the boys or not so it’s unnecessary to make the flip.

There are other places where this happens as well, and unnecessary description that can be tidied up in a few more edits – no doubt already underway.

Other than that I have some trouble believing ‘Monsieur Lalanne’ would say ‘Shut your bloody row’, I’m not even sure this translates into French :). I also think some of the swearing is unnecessary, though I am not of the opinion you should remove all swearing from YA fiction, especially these days. I’m just not so sure I believe Carla would say ‘buggared’, though I am not entirely sure what nationality either of them are yet.

But as I say, I enjoyed it, I wanted to know more. The pace is good, the characters likeable and there must be something good in the writing if I can get past my POV irritation to keep going. I'm hooked!

Hope that helps add another opinion to the pile! :)

Danielle

Hey, so far I have just read chapter one and wanted to say that the prologue was really interesting and well written. I liked that such an mundane event as a game of cat and mouse was used to describe the beginning of a bizarre event. One slight negative for me was the use of the word shadow twice in the opening sentence but that may just be my personal preference.
The opening paragraph of chapter one was very descriptive and I really liked the line, "...the metal monster was still, steel against pewter, pulsing in the dull heat.".
"Somebody or other Stalin." I was confused by this line.
I liked the the about her reading him as easily as one would read the cat in the hat.
I thought the description of the storm was really well done end of days type stuff.
The line, "...weird stuff dropping out the sky." Tully mused, half to himself..." was out of sync for me with what was going on around them. Didn't he just witness someone's head being slit open from a falling rock?
All said and done I thought this was a great opening and draws the reader in well. There is lots of good descriptions, the relationship of the protagonists is well established and your description of the weather conditions left no doubt about just how dire a situation they are in.
I will keep this on my wishlist and read more when I get a chance to see how the story develops. From your synopsis the story sounds fascinating and original.
All the best,
Charlie

This is a gripping story and is very well written. To be honest it takes great writing skill to make a scene between a cat and a mouse gripping which you did in your prologue. The pace of the story is good and it kept my interest. I liked your MC's, Tully and Carla and want to know what happens to them, so I'll read some more. High stars and on my watch list.
I wish you the very best.
Olive.

It was interesting to read. The prologue adds mystery, while chapter one is full of action. I cannot read any farther, unfortunately, but I fished out the few mistakes I saw:

The janitor's cat slunk silently... and down the corridor to the boiler room[, a darker shape among the shadows.]

...to the other side of the boiler[] and crouched, swaying slightly [and] preparing to spring.

She grinned[;] she was always grinning.

The were so many [of] what the news bulletins [laconically] referred to as 'trouble spots' that the...

(hailstones ARE chunks of ice...)

Other than that, not too much to comment on. I don't have anything against your story, I just don't absolutely love it at this point. I'm sorry; it is a good story, I just didn't see enough reaction in Tully and Carla when this happened. I also don't know what you mean when you refer to the "Mickey Mouse Club". Do you mean that they want to laugh at this? I know people whose first reaction to something tragic to laugh, but I don't know if that is exactly what you mean. Your story is one of those books that I might pick up off a library shelf if I saw it, but it doesn't stand out.

I hope I've helped.
Peace and snowflakes,
Nightskyfantasy

Hi. So far up to ch10. Wasn't sure about it to start with, but I've always been keen on the 'end of the world' scenario and wanted to see what this offered. So far, this is no slouch. The male-dominated imagery concerning the Flays is strong and believable, the strong survive and women become a commodity. Carla's reaction to this is understandable. I would like to have been given more description of the world they are led through by Rambo after he finds them, though. I feel that the reason humanity has become so savage needs to be expressed a little more fully and that might be accomplished by illustrating the shattered surroundings. Personally, I'd paint it as black and bleak as possible. Will keep going. I'd like to see what happens.

After each chapter,you make the reader want to know more. Exciting and frightful. Very well written. Highly starred.
Christine C. May
FSSWAT

Wow! I read the first five chapters and I'm hooked. Very scary, tons of action, suspenseful, and very well written. Tully and Carla are very likable characters, and I'm frightened for them. I'll keep reading to find out what happens. Highly starred.

Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

YARG Review

Jane,

I've read the first four chapters and I am completely hooked. This is my worst nightmare, yet I found that the language pulled me in without making me too scared. I had to know what happened next. It is the perfect combination of suspense and doom.

I'm definitely going to keep reading. Highly starred. Well written and great premise so far. And I love the name Tattoo for a cat. :)

Kat
The Darkness of Gold

Hello Jane
book -Wormholes ; the abomination.
not a book i usually read but then It's good to sample all,
really liked way the prologue is written- grabbed my interest-
read five chapters and you have got me hooked- this is one good read
and i like the way the tension builds up and the story moves along-
the chapters are nice and tight as well making it a page turner-
enjoyed it-
good luck
tom bye
book -from hugs to kisses-

I lked this, I liked it a lot. There's a solidity and substance about it and there is a 'voice', a style that marks it out. I've only read the first couple of chapters so I can't comment on plot development etc. but the dialogue, the humour and the forboding are really well built. I'll read a bit more over the next day or so. Even on the basis of those first few pages, though, I have to back this.

Hey! So, I read the first three chapters, and I actually didn't read the pitch, so I went into this without knowing what to expect. It only made things better. As the world crumbled around them, you had me on the edge of my seat. This is really, really well written. I mean, first of all. I love the fact that you don't do the "AFD" thing that so many people here do. (Adverb following dialogue) I don't mind adverbs, if you keep them in the narrative, like you do. But I hate seeing.

"What's that?" she asked hesitantly.
"I don't know," he said suddenly.
"Well?" she said questioningly.

The writing here was really well done, great third person work! There was one line I didn't understand:
"Somebody or other Stalin," Carla replied.

The only other thing I didn't quite get, was Tully's reaction when everything started. I don't know why he wasn't more afraid or surprised, it seemed like he was almost dispassionate about what was happening.

Other than that, this was a FANTASTIC start, and I'm going to need to set aside some time to read the rest. I've got so many more reviews to do, but I need to add this to my library so I can finish it.

I read through the Prologue and the first three chapters and so far it is a fantastic start! Once the action gets started it just doesn’t stop. This book grabs you and doesn’t let go. Your imagery is fantastic and you dialogue is smooth, believable and natural. I would suggest finding some cover art though. There is a gentleman in the forum that’s offering to design covers for free (sorry, I can’t remember his name). You definitely need to attract some attention to this great book. High stars and I wish you luck. Thanks so much for the read.

Jane, a nice pitch & summary.

I've read the first three chapters, and I think you've got it pitched right for a Young Adult read. I didn't pick up any typos.

I picked up a few bits in the text.

Prologue - it read to me as if the cat ate the pizza & drank the beers - maybe rearrange?

I think implacable violence is overkill - maybe more effective to say implacably?

Something was said to be still & then pulsing ( I think it was the crane). Not sure you can be both, as pulsing to me suggests movement.

I wasn't sure why she assumed the plane exploded - maybe they just got cut off?

Shouldn't there be a comma after "trouble spots"?

Not sure quadrangle is that exotic a name.

Is "buggared " a deliberate misspelling of buggered?

Any, some of this is nit picking, but some of the best feedback I've had is from these very nit picks!

You've got a solid story going, and it's clearly written.

Good luck!

YARG review,
I've read the pitches and they caught my attention immediately. Reading the first chapter, I was hooked and wanted to read more and so on. A very good told and woven story, very fitting read for 2012, in my opinion because of the whole last year on earth thing. The descirptions is very vivid and I was wondering if the main characters was going to make it. I believe that end of the world themes is very big this year or at least will be. I liked what I've read and so I'm backing the book.

This is fun! Tons of verve and spotless writing. I like your characters from the first time I meet them. I feel right at home in your universe, and certainly if I had thumbed through this in a book shop I would have been impressed enough to consider buying (as long as you had a sufficiently cool cover, of course).

I don't agree with some of the other critiques regarding your use of 'exotic' words. To me it's added value. Why do we have such a rich language if we're only to express it in the lowest common denominator.

I like it, the first two chapters were good. I'll give another comment when I'll have read the fourth chapter.

Jane,

I'm four chapters in and I can see this book is clearly going places. Your description of the end of the world is captured brilliantly in your writing, as is the mysteriousness of the wormholes. Carla’s emotional roller-coaster is also well described and I sensed her feelings. I felt like I was in the story and that is always a good sign for an author.

I did have an issue with the prologue, however. I felt that the sentences throughout the prologue were too long and made for some difficult reading. I had to read a few sentences twice to make sure I hadn’t missed anything. I personally have the same issue in my own writing so I am good at being critical about this. I spend a lot of my editing time cutting down sentence lengths. It just makes for easier reading at the end of the day. You can usually say the same thing with the same effect across two sentences. It is a stylistic thing and some authors prefer lengthy sentences with lots of punctuation. And sometimes it works better. I just thought I would point out that, as a reader, I struggled a bit with this in your prologue.

That aside, the storyline is definitely gripping and this is a page-turner. Will rate well and keep on my WL. Hopefully I'll read some more later.

Raf
‘J-Town’

Jane has a lovely twisted imagination, kind of a love child between Douglas Adams and Isaac Asimov. That said, this is no Beat Generation flow-of-consciousness nonsense, but a well-crafted story with points to make. The writing is smooth and confident and draws us into the story as the world starts coming apart. And in the midst of the apocalypse, they rescue a cat?

That's when the story really gets going.

I back it with pleasure.

Hello,

I've finished reading this now and I thought I'd post a few more thoughts. Turns out I've had quite a few so forgive me if this is a bit long and bear in mind that I'm only some woman on the internet and I don't mean any of it unkindly. I'm sure you know that though!

It's quite dark and sexual, which I wasn't expecting from the outset, particularly considering your two main characters' ages. I sometimes think that it veers from humour to disturbing themes without much warning and I've found that hard to get on with. It seems to turn from a fairly gentle story with a cat and mouse, and some kids at school to one with racism, terrible abuse and sexism and graphic sexual violence. That is quite a wormhole to fall down!

I wish Tully had done more to help Carla and the other women sooner and (personally) I would have liked a different type of dystopia rather than one which embodies and exaggerates everything which is terrible about the world we actually have. Although granted you've got some drax and that sort of thing.

I found it difficult to understand who is speaking sometimes. If you didn't separate the person's action from their speech (ie if you put them directly next to one another), it would help.

Some other thoughts I had while reading....Lots of children must have survived the killings, otherwise there wouldn't be any teenagers. Jef seems normal considering he wouldn't have remembered much about life before. Tully's cultural references would be a mystery to him, I think.
Jo is a woman's name! It's hardly any longer spelt Joe, and I found it difficult to remember he's a man.
If what the Holy Man says at the end of Chapter Eleven is almost an unintelligible jumble, then how is it possible for it to be written so coherently? I think this part is from Tully's point of view.
How is Tully, an ordinary teenage boy, such a capable, brave, smart-arsed fighter? He seems to come from a gentle, kind background but doesn't mind braking a man's wrist and is handy in a fight. The wormhole changes him in a way that it doesn't change Carla.
If I were Carla, I think I'd run off and join the drax rather than spend any more time listening to Tully boast and wisecrack his way round the world in which they find themselves. He's not as likeable as I think you intended.
What is the relevance of his middle name being Patrick? Is it because it's Irish or something? I didn't understand that at all.
Overall, I found it disturbing and graphic. I think in a novel which creates a dark new world, you'll agree that that isn't really a criticism at all. This is the first entire book I've read on here!
Lucy

Hi Jane

I've read the first two chapters of your book.

I loved the prologue you really got inside the mind of that cat. I think you have a wonderful command of language and the conversations between your characters are natural and very well written.

The only thing I would say is that I read the opening chapter twice because the first time I was a little confused so I enjoyed it much better the second time. I think it was because everything happened so quickly, I would have liked to have learned more about the characters before they were plunged into such catastrophic events. When I'm watching a disaster movie I prefer those that build up to a disaster such as Deep Impact or The Day After Tomorrow. That however might just be my personal view.

A few sentences I found a bit abrupt. For example when Tully and Carla leave the classroom and go outside . You start the next paragraph with 'They went outside." I might have said 'they gathered their things and went outside' and then began describing the outdoor scene but that could be just down to a style of writing and we are all different aren’t we?

“Now she ran, Tully close on her heels, before the doors behind them blocked and the first victims were trampled in the crush." I was confused by that. What did the doors block?

Up to now I've found Tully a bit too light hearted considering the world is ending and everyone is dying but you might be implying that this is his way of coping, but I'd prefer him to take things a little more seriously from time to time just to add to the drama unless the whole thing is 'tongue in cheek' which correct me if I'm wrong I don't think it is.

I'm sure like me you've read a lot of books. Some people will suggest you write them one way and someone else another. Take description for example, books such as 'The Lord of the Rings' and some of Anne Rice's books are packed with description yet those novels have done very well. The reason I'm saying this is that you can go on editing a book until your fed up with it and opinion can just be down to personal taste so treat my comments with a pinch of salt if you like. If you are happy and confident about you book as it is then leave it as it is. Also you often have to get further into a book before you can judge it entirely so I shall read more of your book as soon as I can although I know how important the first few chapters are in getting an agent's or publisher's attention.

You have a fantastic imagination and you can certainly write - no doubt about it and I've read very average books that have been published and your standard of writing is excellent at times. Describing a scene of this kind can't be easy and on the whole you've done a very good job. You're also writing in a popular genre right now which will help. I read recently that publishing is going through a bit of a crises at the moment and this genre is one of the few that is growing.

Keep up the good work. I'll leave you on my watch list and reward you stars if you need them although like we've said before most people seem to end up with four.

Annabelle
The Skull of Irving Cross

Hello, I've read the first ten chapters of this and I'm enjoying it. I think there are some similarities between our books, too.
I particularly enjoyed the prologue. It's a nice set-up for what follows. Very nicely written, nothing distracting or hard to understand.
I like your two main characters. I like their relationship and their protection of each other. You make me understand how familiar they are with each other without it being stilted. For example, their conversations about what they are eating for lunch.
I do worry that Tully might not be taking the situation seriously enough; his quips are great in the beginning but later on, in a world full of the threat of rape and starvation, I'd prefer him to be a bit less flippant. I hope Carla gets to be more than just a love interest.
I love the sentence about the litter limping around like injured pigeons. That's great.
I'd prefer to see a man's small stature (or lack of it) to be compared to something other than a midget. Do you mean a person with Dwarfism? When you have a choice to make a comparison like that, pick a kind one.
Don't let any of these minor criticisms put you off. What I've read is good and interesting, and I've enjoyed it.
Lucy
Jinger Barley and The Murkle Moon

The prologue was intriguing. You had me interested in a cat. At that point, I might have read an entire book from the cat’s perspective.

Your use of language is confusing to me at times. It may be a culture difference. I live in the U.S. But there are some things that read awkwardly. For instance, “revealing the sky that pulsed with a metallic sheen.” That’s the second remark about the sky pulsing. How does the sky pulse? I don’t know what that means. Shortly after, you say “Tricastin was the signal” several times. Why? Is that an expression? Signal for what? Why is this line so important that it needs to be repeated? Then you write “Now she ran, Tully close on her heels, before the doors behind them blocked and the first victims were trampled in the crush.” I have no clue what that means. The doors blocked something? What victims? What crush? I don’t understand. These were just a few examples but this sort of vague confusion kept happening to me.

How come there is instantly all this footage available of volcanoes and so forth as they are just happening? Were people expecting this? They already had the cameras and the video feeds set up? Or did the hail at the school's location start some time after the other disasters around the planet?

Why did Carla assume the plane blew up? Did she hear an explosion? Explosions happen in an instant and if it was an explosion, surly it would have destroyed the phone in that same instant before Carla could have heard anything. I know that the call suddenly ended but I find it hard to believe her first thought would be that the plane exploded. It would make more sense if she came to this conclusion after seeing the fighter jets systematically struck by lightning and destroyed. The realization after this visual image would make the impact stronger on Carla as well as the reader.

This is from Tully’s point of view, right? I ask because his narration seems to have remarkable insight as to what other characters, such as his father and Carla, are thinking. I would expect him to ponder these things but it’s written as fact rather than his personal observation.

Generally, in quoted dialogue, you should spell out numbers rather than have numeral digits.

Were those boys pinned threw the railing by the crane? Did the crane crush anyone? You never showed us what happened.

“slammed the door on sixteen years of memories.” ----good line

buggared ----so that’s a bad word over there?

The apartment scene has been, so far, the most enjoyable and least confusing to read. The end of this chapter, with the hole falling over them, has given me more incentive to continue to the next page than any of the previous chapter endings had. This kind of interesting, mysterious, action filled mini-cliffhanger is exactly the right thing to have at the end of a chapter.

I didn’t read your pitch. Or if I did, it was a while back and I don’t remember. I’m getting the feeling, as they look at the landscape of rubble, that they were sent into the future. That’s very intriguing.

Just a little note here, but…why does Tully keep comparing Carla to an animal? This is at least the second time I’ve seen him do that. It’s kind of messed up.

Tully is taking everything awfully well. The apocalypse, the nothing hole, the soldier with the rifle…I understand that his humor is a defense mechanism to hid his fear but has he ever dealt with a life-or-death situation before? He’s very level-headed. I would think he’d be pissing his pants.

By the time they get to the “supermarket,” I’m confused about Rambo. From the description you first provided, I thought he was a short adult. Maybe a dwarf. But then he starts behaving like a child and the other men make fun of him. So he’s ten?

The tribe guys didn’t think to frisk them for weapons or goods? I find that hard to believe.

Either the confusing sentence structure has diminished or I’ve become used to it so I don’t notice it as much.

I had assumed that they were flung much further into the future. Say, a few centuries. Then you tell us otherwise. How did those dog things mutate in five years? (Maybe that will be explained later.) If it was only five years, what’s all Ace’s talk about “warrior or sacrifice”? It’s only been five years and he seems to know there’s some level of science to the wormhole business. Why does he think they were sent from gods? A whole religion about the wormholes sprang up within five years? And Ace doesn’t understand that someone could have just walked through the wormhole?

Wait a minute. How did Tully know that there are other holes? Why did that thought even occur to him?

Okay. So radiation or something mutates the dogs into Drax? I can accept that.

I don’t understand why Flo chose not to send Carla to the men the first time. Carla was a new girl and she was a lot cleaner and healthier than any of the others. This might sound dark but it’s a matter of character motivation. It was in Flo’s best interest to send Carla. And even if Flo decided not to, I would think that Ace would demand that she be sent. She was clearly the most desirable. Obviously, I can understand that you don’t want the love interest of the story to be gang raped. But you need to come up with a plausible reason for this not to happen. In fact, it’s an opportunity for a tense scene where Carla has to figure out a way to avoid it. Maybe she can convince Flo that she has some pre-abomination disease. And if the men slept with her, they’d catch it, making Ace angry with Flo. Or maybe she could bribe Flo with her jacket or the knife in her boot. That would help your story later by adding another problem. Carla is suddenly without a weapon (or warm jacket or boots or whatever.)

the small crowd fell silent, cringing back almost perceptibly from the bloodshot gaze…
----‘almost perceptibly’? You mean their cringing was not perceptible? So it was not noticeable? If it wasn’t noticeable, why are you saying it?

It’s obvious that the man in the bank is Tully’s father from the moment he’s mentioned. How come Tully doesn’t realize this?

“Patrick isn’t my middle name for nothing you know!” ----what? What does this mean?

Sometimes you capitalize “Earth” and sometimes you don’t. You need to be consistent.

How come Tully hasn’t gotten the guy (I assume his father) from the lockup, yet? Once he declared himself general he just sort of forgot about him.

I read through the first 13 chapters. I’ll get to the other half and let you know what I think of it when I have the chance.

Some overall thoughts:

One of my main problems is that Tully thinks he’s in a comedy when he’s not. I know his snarky attitude is meant to provide comic relief and to make his character likable, but it goes too far. I don’t believe it. It doesn’t seem real. It’s like he’s an actor in a play he doesn’t want to be in so he’s playing the role in a silly way just to bother the director. It’s bothering me. As it is, I don’t think I’d get through the whole book if I found it in a store. He’s ruining an otherwise interesting story. If you adjust his character and his dialogue so that he behaves more believably with far fewer jokes, it would be a considerable improvement.

By now I know that the narration is omniscient. I don’t particularly like that type of narration but it’s your choice. However, you should make this more obvious from the beginning so the reader doesn’t have to work to figure it out.

You certainly have a few surprises in this book. I didn’t see the time travel coming and now I’m curious about this whole prophecy business. I also wonder if this is completely scientific or if there is a level of supernatural forces at work here.

You have a well stocked vocabulary and a knack for describing things in detail. That’s always good. But consider that at times, the lowest common denominator is the best choice. Many of your readers (erhm...like me) may be unfamiliar with more exotic words. That stops them as they read, making them have to figure out definitions through context. That’s not to say everything should be written simplistically, but limit it just a little.

I’m unsure of how much time has gone by since they arrived at the tribe’s camp. Days? Weeks? The other thing is I was confused by Carla thinking Tully changed. So much so, that she considers abandoning him. I haven’t noticed a change in him in the slightest. Her condemnation of his behavior seemed to happen very suddenly and from out of nowhere.

Despite my suggestions (which would make me feel dishonest were I not to share them with you), I think this book has a lot going for it. It’s an interesting story and you have a talent for writing. I’ll let you know when I finish it.


spd6of14
A Day Away

I do like a good end of the world scene, and this does it very well! The best book I've yet read on authonomy. OK, so far I've only read three books so far but it would take something very special to knock this off the bookshelf. Four chapters in so far and planning to carry on. Good work!

I was totally enthralled with the description of the cat and mouse in the basement, you captured the sense of menace perfectly. I have to say that I don’t really read this genre but that para alone had me hooked on your writing.

Nice natural believable dialogue. You have painted a sad and damaged world and there is a great sense of loss in this first part of the work.

I did think that the sense of panic at the hailstorm was a little too immediate. Yes it was a dreadful storm but for them to instantly imagine the end of the world seems a little extreme at this point. Please take anything I say with an enormous pinch of salt, I am simply a reader trying to make helpful comments as I read and hope that is okay.

Although I am wiling to accept that Armageddon would be as sudden as you describe I feel that it would take longer for the news of what was happening to become known. Hailstones – Armageddon and only a quick sprint from the quad in between – a bit more screaming and panic may make this more convincing in my very humble opinion. If you will forgive my audacity, I wonder if the wonderful scenes you have painted of panic in the playground – phones etc. could be intertwined with the rush to the communiciations room. Hail, some phones, some panic, the run to the room. Just an idea.

From what I have read of this I have to say that I think you are a very accomplished writer. The descriptive passages are vivid and clear and the emotion is palpable. I have absolutely no idea about the marketability of pieces such as this but if there is any justice the quality of writing alone should take this a long way. I will give you many stars and shelve this as soon as I have a space. I am fairly backed up but please do remind me if you think I have forgotten – Cheers – Diane

Dear Jane

Throughout the first two chapters that I have read of your book, your love of language is evident. You have a marvellous confidence with writing, with setting scenes and images. Your story moves at a cracking pace and there is little awkwardness. I was engrossed by what I read. The fact that your ms is so blissfully clean helped a lot.

There is room to comb your ms for unconscious repetition, (phrases such as "she knew vaguely by sight" come to mind). I am also not sure whether the MCs know as much as you think they do. Who remembers Gary Cooper these days, or "Champion the Wonderhorse"? Not your YA target group. I sense that with such references you are alluding to a nostalgia for a disappearing world....what other modern icons could you use which would mean more to your intended audience?

I wish you every success with your writing.

Fran :-))

Okay I've read the whole of chapter and I think this is outstanding writing. There are a few phrases and descriptions which I really liked, and I have listed these below. A few minor grammatical and spelling errors, I've pointed these out for you to amend as you wish. (I'm a nit-picker I know but I haven't met a writer yet who objected to having these recommendations made.) Also some clunky phrases for which I have suggested alternatives - feel free to use them or ignore them.

My only real question is whether jumping into the whole "doomsday scenario" so quickly (within the first few pages) and dramatically is a good idea, since you haven't given enough time to the characters and their relationships. Maybe a slower build-up to all this destruction and mayhem - rather than "OMG IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD ALL OF A SUDDEN!" - would be more effective, dramatically speaking. Think of all the great Hollywood disaster movies - "Day After Tomorrow" and "Independence Day" come first to mind. In most, the first quarter or fifth of the movie is spent establishing the characters, against a backdrop of impending catastrophe; and THEN the sh*t hits the fan.

Remember: character is everything. You can only care about what's happening in the story if you care about the plight of the characters. I would have spent more time developing the friendship/affection between Tully and Carla before anything else. Go watch "Day After Tomorrow", pay very close attention to the stories of the various characters (particularly Jake Gyllenhaal and his hot girlfriend), come back and tell me if I'm wrong.

James

Looking forward to your take on "Tamria"!

*****

REALLY LIKED:

"the sun beat down with an implacable violence from a pewter-coloured sky" - liked this description

"the rather pretentious name..." - liked this subtle humour

"helped attenuate the piquant city smells..." - good descriptive word use

"encumbered sky"

"that time and the developers forgot" - lol!

"Barn owls make lousy pastry cooks" - LOL!


ERRORS / SUGGESTIONS / ALTERATIONS:

"unable to shake off the sense of oppression" - I think "unable to shake the sense of suppression" flows better

"he realised that he hadn't got a clue..." - change to "he realised that he hadn't a clue"

"Gathering his wits together" - lose the "together"; "Gathering his wits" flows much better

"note taking" - shouldn't this be hyphenated, since you're presenting it as an activitiy? "note-taking"

"'Another second and he'd have got me!" - "he'd've got me" might flow better; "he'd've seen me" another alternative

You need a full stop after "full of gratitude", because the next sentence is the start of new dialogue

"life size reconstruction" - "life size" should be hyphenated, imo

"It was another minute or so before Tully could reply" - I think just "It was another minute before Tully could reply" or even better "It was a minute before Tully could reply" - more economical generally = faster-reading and more effective

"formed only a patchy canopy over his head" - how about "formed a patchy canopy above his head"

"from the bulldozers had been massacred by the Brazilian army" - looks like you need a "that" after "bulldozers": "bulldozers that had been massacred"

"There were so many, what the news bulletins referred to laconically as 'trouble spots'..." - I think a better phrasing would be: "There were so many - to borrow the news bulletins' laconic term, 'trouble spots' - that the holiday industry had more or less folded."

"'Jesus!' Tully whistled, 'Please don't say that dad was right!'" - "whistled" should be followed by a full-stop, not a comma

"For years the hairy, homespun friends of his fathers from the Community..." - here's a better phrasing: "For years his father's hairy, home-spun Commmunity friends..."

"'I don't think the local weather bulletin's going to be very helpful!'" - would "'gonna be very helpful'" run smoother, do you think?

"They watched in horrified silence a chain reaction of volcanic eruptions across the globe" - propose alternatives: "They watched in horrified silence a chain reaction of volcanic eruptions rip across the globe"; "In horrified silence, they watched a chain reaction of volcanic eruptions across the globe"; "In silence, they watched with horror a chain reaction of volcanic eruptions rip across the world"

"racing towards Norway and Scotland" - maybe "racing toward"

"swallowed cities in a cascade of flames" - I love this description but it should be plural: "swallowed cities in cascades of flames"

"plunged into a chaos of swirling floodwaters" - better words than "chaos" (just my opinion): "maelstrom" and "pandemonium." This is the end of the world so let's not skip on the dramatic vocabulary!

"Gone with the wind" - this is the name of a book & film so every word should be capitalized: "Gone With The Wind"

"hubbub of strident voices and isolated screaming" - "isolated screaming" should be "isolated screams" and I think either "tumult" or "turmoil" is more effective in this context than "hubbub"

"surging back to life" - "springing back to life" ?

"as the implications of what his father's whole food, freaky friends spent hours discussing, began to sink in" - reads a bit clumsy; this is better: as the implications of his father's whole-food, freaky philosophy began to sink in"

"Carla struggled with the twitching of her lip, holding back the tears" - a possible improvement: "Carla's lip was twitching; she was fighting back a flood of tears"

"lightening struck each one" - "lightening should be "lightning"

"scummy yellow glow marked the place where each had been" - I don't know, the word "scummy" just didn't work for me. Maybe the writer knows best in this instance, but maybe a simpler "dirty yellow glow" would work better

Oustanding writing, Jane. The world & characters are believable. The tiny touches such as feces & blood smeared on the wall, and Carla's memories with "...colors she couldn't quite recreate..." are excellent anchors for the world you've created.

[Note: Watch out for those pesky adverbs! I count 4 in the Prologue, and at least 15 with the "-ly" construct in Chapter 1. You seem to use them in clumps. To see what I mean, check out "...her green eyes sparkling maliciously" quickly followed by "...inspect his lunch suspiciously".]

One of the top 3 books out of the 35 I have previewed so far.

~Lucas
http://www.authonomy.com/books/41102/capritare-the-cycles-begin/

Great book. Five stars!!! Can't wait to read more.
Thanks,
Scott

I just read the first 7 chapters and I thought is was great. You start off with a lot of action and just don't stop. I read through it rather quickly and think this would be a great YA novel. I have a couple comments.

1) In the first chapter the world starts to "end" rather quickly. The earthquakes, volcanos, storms, etc seem to just happen. I don't think you need to spend chapter leading into it, but a little bit of a lead in would've been nice. Like Carla and Tully should maybe talk about all the weird environmental events happening over the last several weeks. The only lead in was the extremely hot weather, and when I read it I didn't think it was particularly significant just thought it was a warmer than usual May.

2) Chapter 5 towards the bottom you say "Tully whistled, 'Jesus' ". I don't think you can whistle Jesus. Maybe Tully whistled then said, "Jesus"

3) Also Chapter 5 you said you could hear someone grinning. You can't hear someone grinning.

That is all I have starred and I will read more.

ooh yes, as they say where i come from 'get up the yard!' I'm going to read this for sure. You had me hooked at the short pitch alone!

HI, I love the start to this book. I can just imagine the prologue as the start to a film. The cat having victory snatched away from him at the last minute made me laugh. I really can't see this book missing out on the ED, and it would be really easy to turn into a film with it being set ahead of time rather than behind. It seem's like it's filled with lot's of potential, and if a space clears up on my bookshelf then this will definitely be filling it. Thanks for recommending it.

Hi Jane, read the prologue and 1st chapter of Wormholes. This is good – frighteningly good – literally. The descriptions of the coming Armageddon were brilliantly done. The characterization is spot on and the dialogue, on the whole, excellent. There are a few minor issues with over description and over use of adverbs, but I stress they’re minor. This would appear to be a book that needs to be published and I wish you the best of luck with it. Backed.
Prologue.
The first paragraph sets the scene well. The reader’s not overwhelmed with description, there’s just enough detail to conjure up an image. One nitpick: The janitor’s cat slunk (silently)… I don’t think you need the bracketed word, the word “slunk” is enough to indicate the quietness of the animal’s movement.
The second paragraph is a little inclined towards wordiness. For example: a mouse skipped towards the table, hesitated, before dashing into the open, (ears moving, muzzle trembling.) I don’t think the bracketed words are necessary. The instant you use the word “mouse” the reader will “see” the creature. Constant movement of the nose and ears are a trait of this animal, so the description is unnecessary. Similarly with the cat: tail twitching (nervously)… “twitching” says it all.
Chapter 1.
Repetition: …and that this May 17th was set to be the hottest (May 17th) ever. Don’t need the bracketed words, they mar the flow of the narrative, just: …and that this May 17th was set to be the hottest ever.
Tully’s house, four stone walls and red tiled roof, that time and the developers forgot… This is overlong and wordy. Suggest rejigging along the lines of: Tully’s house had four stone walls and a red tiled roof. Forgotten both by time and developers, it sat in a patch of wasteland…
With Molly dead… Whose point of view is this paragraph from? It’s Tully’s back story, but it doesn’t appear to be from anyone’s point of view. It just hangs there. In the next paragraph you say: Tully could have made that last statement out loud. But it’s not a statement. A statement is something said out loud. I suggest you rejig the information about Tully’s parents as his internal dialogue, or actually turn it into dialogue: ‘Since mum died, all dad cares about is….’
The limp leaves (only) formed a patchy canopy… You don’t need the bracketed word.
…as they scored scorched tracks… One or the other, not both: as they scored tracks… as they scorched tracks…

Jane,
Wormholes is the  kind of book that makes me take a good, long look at my bookshelf and consider. I think that it is really successful as a dystopian YA title (!) and for that I give it six stars and will keep thinking about its potential place on my shelf.
Hook and Plot: "The world is falling apart" is not the kind of thing that hooks me. Ussually, I get turned off very quickly, as things in such books tend to go from bad to worse. Why keep reading? There will be nothing left by the end. But you manage to hook, first, with the endearing nature of your main characters, and then, when they are on the other side, by creating a glimmer of hope that they will get back and that in the meantime they can survive. I think that the wormhole was a good aparatus for this, as you can always have a world to go back to, messed up though it is.
I only read up to chapter 5, and so far the plot is very compelling. Tully is a good thriller hero, who seems unlikely to be a world class fighter, but when faced with the emaciated gang, he becomes a real contender. The fight scene was well written and exciting, and his masterful ceasing of possession afterwards flowed well and made me want to read more. Carla, of course, is endearing in her positivity, and kept me reading forward as well. She is a force of order that harkens back to the real world.
Character development- Showing characters in their comfortable setting and then shifting them to a very dangerous situation is a good way to get a lot of character development in quickly. You paint Tully and Carla really very well in quick strokes at the beginning of the book as they sit on the grass and eat their lunch. The figure of Tully's father lingers in the background through his awful cooking, and Carla's sunny disposition rings through. Then everything goes to  hell, and the characters are challenged in new ways. Tully's inherent fairness and strength of character shine through, as does Carla's reliability.
I was also impressed with your development of supporting characters. It is often the case in YA that supporting characters are barely developed, so much attention being given to the main character. Here the characters of Jef and Kat, as well as that of the chief of the tribe, are compelling in their own right. This makes the read much more compelling
Ambiance- Paris in the apocalypse is a bit rushed, but I cannot blame you- to dwell on it would have affected plot. I mentioned before how I felt that the timing at the communications center was a bit unclear for me. 
On the other side it is very richly described for the utter mess that it is. The bit where the cat gets eaten by rats is a horrifying and efficient way of getting this across. The scenes in the mall are carefully realistic. You have obviously thought a lot about this, and written carefully.
All in al, this is a special book. I think it should do well and I would really recommend it- although not to everybody.
Best of luck with it,
Maeve

This is really good, Jane. I love the start with the cat and mouse... it gives an on the edge mood. The middle calm and peaceful, perfect. And as for the rest ... look, I've just been onto the phone talking to a director in Hollywood. I gave him a link to the page and he said, "Why didn't you tell me about this book before, Bazza? This would have made so much more money than that 2012 movie I directed." LOL

YARG review.
Jane, this was fantastic. I read six chapters and got enthralled with the fast paced and bleak storyline. You hit the ground running, with the apocalypse starting in the first few chapters , dragging our heroes through despair and fear and bewilderment effortlessly. The banter between Tully and Carla is engaging and well written and displays their contrasting yet complimentary characters well.
My personal favourite was the description of passing through the wormhole- it was superbly written. The scenes in the post- apocalyptic world were harsh and disturbing and definitely push the content to YA (vs. MG) level, as does some of the language (bastard especially).
Anything to improve? Not really. Some of your prose is a little adjective/ adverb heavy, which can distract from the narrative. Might be worth a swift prune ('kill those darlings'). Minor typos which have probably been mentioned. Also there are bits where I thought 'how hard are these kids?' Loss the parents, world ends, and they seem a little detached from it, a little too cocky. Might be kids these days!!
Finally, loved reference to Champion the Wonderhorse and Rambo, but I'm not certain how many of your target audience would know who they are.
It's definitely one of the best pieces I've read on here.
Cheers, Ross.

Brrrrr...this gave me the shivers! It's like the Mayan prediction of the end of the world in 2012 coming true, isn't it? Though with that brilliant cat-and-mouse prologue, we sense a "way out", an escape to a different dimension. This is fab stuff, Jane - weird, wacky and wonderfully off-the-wall. I love the innocence of Tully and Carla's friendship ("he made her think of sitting in his father's favourite cinema watching old Gary Cooper movies") and 'Champion the Wonder Horse' made me laugh out loud - I used to torture my mum with that song! Sorry I only had time for one chapter tonight, but it was enough for me to award you six golden stars. This is on my list for shelving next month.

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Millionaires

(I knew I had to stop reading when I read Renaissance PIZZAS instead of piazzas, lol!)

Kia ora Jane -A YARG revisited,

Read through to chapter five and wow -this would make some movie! It's very, very cinematic - your scope of imagination is fantastic and you know when to throw in a surprise to keep the adrenalin surging. The imagery from both setting and action is very powerful - actually the part about the sea of rats was almost too much for me! ( mild rat phobia here) I think, perhaps the parts to work on a little are in characterisation and dialogue - Carla and Tully seem to have similar characters and voices -you might want to make them a little more distinct. The dialogue interspersed with the action is good but I think going over it again might give it more shape. You also use a lot of adverbs -mostly really well but perhaps a few ( eg. menacingly -could change to 'spat') could be changed to action verbs.

These very minor points aside -this is mightily impressive and powerful writing.
A spin on my shelf very soon

Kaal Kaczmarek

Jane, I am really enjoying this so far. I find that your main characters are compelling and interesting, and your end of the world scenario is humorous and readable. I do find that at times the sentences were a little bit chunky, for example the last sentence in the prologue. Perhaps breaking some of the sentences up will lead to a more fluid read. I also found the time lapse during the rock/hail shower confusinng I would like you to better explain how much time is passing. I've only gotten to chapter 1 and I will get back to you with more comments I read on.
All the best,
Maeve

Wormholes Book One: The Abomination--A YARG Review

Hi, Jane, I just spent some time with your book, and here are my thoughts:

I'm well into this now, and I'm really enjoying it. It has a nice tone for the Young Adult age group, dark and frightening, led by two teenage protagonists in peri-Apocalyptic (is that a word?) Paris, and sprinkled with moments of levity; Tully is a bit of a wise-a**. I predicted this would give him his fair share of trouble, and it does, later on.

One thing I noticed throughout is that this could use a bit of pruning, language-wise. There are lots of good turns of phrase here (Abandoned books and lunch refuse hopped jerkily like injured pigeons across the quadrangle,' for instance), but sometimes things get a bit wordy, or there is a phrase that would have an immature teen laughing hysterically ('masticating furiously' comes to mind).

Loved the introduction/prologue; it really sets a dark, foreboding tone before going to what starts as a typical day at school for Tully and Carla.

A word about adverbs: I like them, and I use them. But I also write a lot for a younger set than this book is aimed for. When I write for YA or older, I tend to prune a good deal of them out in favor of stronger verbs. Not only does this tighten the writing, it makes what you do write more streamlined and powerful. Some people will quote rules that say to never ever use adverbs, but really, do what's comfortable for you.

I noticed a few typos as I went along, mostly past the first few chapters; this is a bad forum for trying to point them out (what I wouldn't give for all the books here to have something like the 'track changes' function in Word) and a quick scroll through your comments below showed that most of what I saw was mentioned previously, so I won't bother to repeat them.

For being part of a YA crit group (Kaal encouraged me to join, and I'm happy to be a part, but my book really is more Middle Grade than YA) I know comparatively little about current conventions in YA writing, though I do understand that British YA runs older than American YA does. I was a little shocked by all the f-bombs thrown around by Ace, though I get that it is part of his character. Very surprised when Carla loosed one, though, even given her situation. It felt out of character to me. Because of language, you might want to consider changing your classification from 'universal' to 'moderate.'

Despite the fact that I feel this could use some editing and streamlining (and I think, though a lot of people here might not agree, just a bit more time spent in Tully and Carla's everyday life before things go to hell would be nice) I was riveted by this. Reading on the computer is annoying at the best of times, yet I felt pulled along by your narrative and was up to Chapter 8 before I thought I should probably stop and leave you a comment. I fully intend to come back and read more.

Highly star-rated for now, backed when I have a spot on my shelf (might be some time; my shelf rotates slowly!).

Best of luck!
Emily

YARG review!

I'm here to restore your faith! (That was my attempt at a dramatic entrance, but it's not quite the same over the computer.)

To be totally honest, what drew me into this story was something I read before I even started on your pitch or story. It was your tag words. They are as follows: apocalyptic, dark, dystopian, funny. There's not a word there I don't love!

I like the way this begins - totally normal. Kids sitting a classroom and then their banter back and forth as they go through their day, and then BOOM - apocalypse. And you describe it so well with mentions of things from all over the planet. It gives the reader a feeling for how serious this really is. And at the end of chapter one when Carla's father's plane blows up - it gave me chills. Tully is so gentle with her at that moment while all this chaos is happening - it's just a very sweet moment. Of course, you end it with some fighter jets blowing up from lightening, which I think is done well. You want the reader to want to turn the page, and you certainly did that job!

I have to say that my favorite part of this story so far was the dialogue between Tully and Carla. It was fun, believable, and by the end, a little chilling (with the whole "I'm cold" - nicely done!). I think it really helps the story flow and makes you care about what happens to these two characters.

Edits that I saw (Grammar teacher - sorry! - it's like my thing):
A sharp poke in the back jolted Tully out of his thoughts and he realised that he hadn’t got a clue what the physics teacher was talking about. [Edit: A sharp poke in the back jolted Tully out of his thoughts, and he realised he hadn't a clue what the Physics teacher was talking about.]

She grinned, she was always grinning. [Edit: She grinned; she was always grinning. OR She grinned. She was always grinning.]

I know you don’t like people poking fun at your dad, he’s a dear man, one of the best. But even you can’t pretend that he can cook! [I know you don't like people poking fun at your dad. He's a dear man - one of the best, but even you can't pretend that he can cook!]

Carla was now smiling beguilingly, her whole face, chestnut hair, golden skin, teeth and bright eyes glowed. [Edit: Carla was now smiling beguilingly. Her whole face, including her chestnut hair, golden skin, perfect teeth, and bright eyes glowed.]

Hope this helps! Great job. Highly starred and certainly on my WL until I have space on my bookshelf!

-Lexx (Mrs_Gresh)
Soothsayer

Finally got around to returning the favour and reading your 1st chap. Some technical points:

Before even the paw crushed down on its back (shouldn’t this be “even before the paw crushed down on its back”? Also, this sentence is rather long so maybe consider cutting it down a bit or splitting it.)
Tully’s voice was full of gratitude, “How did you know I wasn’t listening?” (comma should probably be a full stop)
“Somebody or other Stalin.” Carla replied (full stop should be a comma)
The pastry once it was damped by saliva (dampened?)
“looks like we’re in for one hell of a storm.” Tully murmured (full stop should be a comma)

General points: Where are all the teachers while all this chaos is going on? I’d expect some attempt to keep order, to calm people down. These screens in the communications room – where were the cameras they were linked to and why were they linked to them? I’m assuming it wasn’t simply the news as there was no commentary on the events mentioned. “Three hours after everybody else’s” So 3 hours have passed between all the phones going off and this? I didn’t get this impression from the text, and what has everyone been doing all this time?
Anyway, I liked your depiction of the world on the brink. The mentions of war, extreme pollution and people fighting to save the Amazonian rainforest take concerns that we have today and exaggerate them, to give us something futuristic yet frighteningly familiar and plausible. Very intriguing.

Good luck with this!

I love how you ended your pitch with "And it does." It adds a bit of a dramatic ending that hooks the reader and gets them to want to read your book. Your details right off the bat are great and make it intriguing for the reader. Starting with the cat and mouse is great in the prologue. And you have a great way of ending it "..and predator into its black, dead depths." It reminds me of the dramatic ending to your pitch. A great hook. Your voice comes off clean and does a great job of enticing the reader and showing them the story rather then just telling it. Great job. I wish you the best of luck on reaching the Editor's Desk.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

A very interesting apocalypse book.
With a very interesting plot, with good strong characters.
Your pitch pace and power are very good, and your dialogue adds the right amount of tension.
You have done your homework by checking the market at the moment, and working to this market.
I especially like your descriptive pieces that add good structure to your writing.
You seem to be a natural storyteller.
I would read on and enjoy this book.
Well done.

Hello Jane,

There's a strong tradition of books where the world is wiped out in the early chapters leaving the characters to fend for themselves in a world without rules and limited resources and I enjoyed reading this one - took me back to the catastrophe and post-apocalyptic fiction I read in my teens ('Z for Zachariah', 'A Rag, a Bone and a Hank of Hair', 'Empty World') and, in the tooth and claw savagery of the struggle for survival, more adult works such as 'The Death of Grass'. You've added a couple of extra twists all of your own - the sf trope of wormholes to move characters through time or space and a powerful supernatural thread.There are some very chilling moments - the death of Tattoo, Carla's realisation that she is nothing to Ace, and, I think, Tully's enjoyment of leadership and warcraft. The darkness and the violence seemed to me to be a realistic response to the situation - catastrophes should not be too cosy! Carla and Tully are fine characters, and Jack Keane is wonderful.I liked too the weaving together of ecological and theological end of the world scenarios - it worked very well in context because you got the balance right. And the end is both chilling and open (wanting to know why and how, given we now have who). If you post the sequel I will certainly read it. So, as a book, I think this one works because it kept my attention to the end. That is what matters more than any other thing.

What follows are my thoughts as a reader responding to your book. The plot is jolly good indeed and well worked through - it's a story with good bones. In its current state, it didn't quite work for me as a completed book and I'm going to go into a bit of detail as to why. Firstly, I thought it was too short for the plot. From the content, I'd think you are aiming at the upper end of young adult and so adding an extra 20,000 words or so would help balance things. By 'too short for the plot', I mean that the events leading up to the final battle scenes were rather rushed - I found it hard to keep track of the various members of the Flay gang, partly because, for a very good in-world reason, all had short, snappy names, but mostly because, apart from Ace, they weren't really developed as characters. There's a scene, right at the end (ch23), for example where Mat is concerned about Dee - very sweet and nice but came, I thought, out of nowhere - you could have built up the relationship. Likewise, Kat changes in a bit of a rush from a downtrodden, hopeless woman to one with a spark in her eye, a spear in her hand and an obvious interest in Jack Keane (the interest is quite understandable, by the way - I feel it myself: he's an excellent character and the book sparks when he's about). And the revelation that Jef is the real channel for the supernatural visions, rather than the nicely terrifying (and nicely written) Holy Man is again rather rushed, as is his relationship with Kat. In short, you've got the some very good characters here but you could take the time to develop them rather more.

As a related point, I think there's a missing scene - we learn (ch21) that Mat has been made - forcibly - to fight and kill one of the captured gang members. I think this would be far better shown not told (sorry to use such a dreadful creative writing type cliche!) - the images it creates are powerful, especially since later Mat proves himself a decent bloke because of his concern for Dee, but weakened because only reported. The battle with the Gouges, Stranglers etc is rather large scale and general - single combat, as when Tully fights the Tab creature, provides an opportunity for the reader to take vicarious part in the action by identifying strongly with the fighter.

I also thought that the jokey language at times fell flat - again, this is a matter of opinion because there's a place for gallows humour in such books - maybe it's just the wrong pitch for me; what have others said? And I think your film references - Audrey Hepburn, Gary Cooper, are rather likely to be lost on a modern YA audience, though perhaps I do the young an injustice. You're in a cleft stick with that one - more recent references, such as Scarlett Johansson, are going to date the book quicker than boiled asparagus!

Now, having said it's too short for the plot, I'm going to make an apparent contradiction and say sometimes it's too wordy. Mostly this is when you tell me what an character is thinking and why. For instance, again ch22, you tell me:

"Carla was crying quietly. Tully knew how much she detested violence, could never see any sense in it. She was crying for Mat because she understood how he must feel, violated, degraded, ugly."

This interrupts the flow of the story. Why not just tell me Carla is crying and let me work out why, given my knowledge of Carla and the situation? This particular example is only a couple of sentences but there are some much longer examples elsewhere. There's a time and place for telling a reader things, it's an economical way of getting important information across, but each time you find yourself doing it pause and consider whether it's the best way. Sometimes it is, sometimes it's not. My own opinion? Tell facts not emotions but like many 'rules' for writing that one can be bent or broken when required.

And place... One of the things I always enjoy about dystopian novels is that they are set in a recognisable but wrecked world - it's much scarier when people are miserable, terrified and trying to kill each other in a place I know. Think '1984' (London), 'The Handmaid's Tale' (Cambridge, Mass), 'Death of Grass' (London, Westmorland). Yours could take place anywhere in the western hemisphere. I think that the main action must be set in Paris since that is where the book opens. I must say I didn't get a feel for Paris about it: all the characters seemed very British/Irish and none of the goods in the devastated supermarket appeared French. Now a post-apocalyptic Euro-novel may well have a USP that serves you well in the current climate - I think you should play up the Frenchness a bit.

These last are all trivial points and didn't detract from my enjoyment in reading. Presentation-wise, you need to look at punctuation, especially around speech. Use a comma in tagged dialogue, not a full stop. Thus it's '"Because it might be somebody's granddad," Tully explained helpfully.' I spotted a few spelling errors (correct spellings are 'icy', 'fiery' and haemorrhage').

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh. Believe me, I enjoyed this a good deal and have starred highly.

Best wishes, Harriet

Hello Jane,
Thank you for the review of Dropping Babies and I'm glad to return the favour.
I am a coarse troll that wouyld normally skip over these stories so I began with some hestitation. But after 4 chapters I enjoyed the ride.
Plot would be the stongest card here. Great opening, pitched at the right audience level with graphic descriptions neatly embedded in the narrative - specifically the sweep through world events - is very well done and in no way half hearted.
Two things I would say are:
the prose is overweight. Too wordy and the result is a needless stickiness in the flow.
eg - end of chap 4
'Intrigued, Tully reached out a questing hand to the blackness. Carla shouted a warning, 'No!' and grabbed his other hand as the ground.....reaching out to close them both.'
Trust the reader more to fill in the blanks - not everything needs to be desribed, early commas are quite common in your sentences and cut down on the adjectives. Referring to more than one body part in the same sentence is tough wrt keeping the flow.
The other thing is that the characters are fine without excessive description/background. The reader, I think, wants more of the present at the beginning. Comparisons to Audrey Hepburn - bit dodgy i'd say - feel like unnnecesary weight. It could be alot tighter if you cut out 10-20%.

That's my pennies worth Jane. There's a great story in there but it needs to be leaner.
Thank you for the tip re SB and Child Pretending.
I'd gladly have another look if you want later.
All The Best!
John

Jane,

I've read eight chapters (which, to be honest, was more than I intended) because the story dragged me in (which has to be a good thing!) Post-apocalyptic survival stories could easily become cliched, but you have introduced enough original elements (like the wormholes and the drax animals) to keep this one fresh. I like Carla and Tully, especially Tully (though I'm worried that his back-chat is going to get him into trouble) and am genuinely concerned about what will happen to them.

I do wonder, however, if you are trying to pack in too much background about your two MCs at the begining of chapter one. There's an awful lot of information to digest there, and by the time the story proper had got established I was having difficulty remembering who's mother was preserving Buddhist art in the Himalayas and who's father was the pastry chef. My feeling is that a younger reader (especially) would prefer to just get on with the action; this rather older reader wanted to get on with the action, too!

Maybe the background can be drip-fed to the reader in smaller pieces a little later in the story. For instance, after Carla and Tully have passed through the wormhole and before they are captured by "Rambo", perhaps they could have a brief chat where they reminisce about the life they left behind. This could be where we find out a little more about their parents.

You repeat the line about "Doesn't anyone here speak in complete sentences?" twice in chapter 8 in the space of five or six paragraphs. The first time is funny, the second time feels like milking the joke a little. Perhaps the second time, Carla could say something like "So, you haven't mastered complete sentences, either, then?" Just a thought.

Anyway, these are really minor nit-picks that can easily be corrected. You have an engaging story here which deserves to have many avid readers. Good luck with it!

Best wishes and good writing,
John