The Red Poppy

I don’t read an awful lot of sci-fi, PA (I think the last ‘proper’ sci-fi novel I read was ‘Dune’ so you can see it’s been a while!!) but I have to say I really enjoyed your opening chapters. The prose is very smooth with a good blend of simple and direct storytelling and more involved and evocative descriptive passages/character introspection. I noticed a few typos (eg. ‘fourteen’ not ‘14’, ‘spring’ not ‘Spring’ etc) which you may want to look at and the punctuation before and after dialogue needs a bit of work but, overall, this feels like an extremely polished, reassuringly professional manuscript.

The dialogue comes across as real and purposeful and helps both to move the narrative along and flesh out the novel’s various characters. I particularly like the way you leave much of it freestanding (without dialogue tags) – clever way to instil energy into the scenes. Good use of italicised internal monologue inserts to allow the reader an immediate snapshot of a character’s mood/mindset etc.

The prologue works extremely well, establishing a very human and familiar backdrop for the more fantastical, alien goings on later in the novel. Really good idea to set the earth scenes in the 1930s. To a C21st reader, the 1930s feel like a much more innocent, simple age (pre WWII, pre the nuclear age, pre space travel etc) which makes the contrast with the extra terrestrial narrative thread all the more vivid and involving. A couple of the early paras in the prologue did, however, feel a little like a history lesson (I read American history at university and memories of FDR’s New Deal came flooding back!!) and I was wondering whether you might think about weaving some of the early detail into the later scenes with Henry and his mother to avoid any suspicion of info-dropping?? Just a thought. I also really liked the Huck Finn quotation at the start, although I was wondering whether a quotation actually dating from the 1930s (a Steinbeck extract, maybe) might be more effective??

The later, outer space chapters work very well. The sense of this strange, alien world is subtly but persuasively evoked with just enough detail to set the scene/immerse the reader in the moment without ever coming across as forced or intrusive. I particularly like the way you combine unequivocally alien detail with much more familiar elements. (eg Reis worrying about his insurance claim!!) Oddly, the occasional mention of simple, everyday goings on somehow makes the more fantastical alien aspects of the novel feel much more credible and real. Nicely done.

I have to say, though, that I did find all the strange names (Dbnatekian, Vand Grec, Perubium, Tonewie, Heedaley etc) a little distracting. To be honest, I ended up skimming much of them which does, I’m afraid, rather distance me from the narrative. Could you maybe tone down some of the more unusual names to make for a more fluid, less stop-start read. Then again, as mentioned above, I don’t read a lot of sci-fi so maybe your target readers won’t have a problem.

The chapters themselves feel well structured with nicely underplayed climactic plot hooks to encourage the reader to read on. The plot as a whole sounds complex and multi-layered and, with its blend of adventure, escapism, intrigue, drama, pathos etc, should appeal to a broad cross section of readers.

In short, a very accomplished, ambitious, stylishly rendered sci-fi adventure. Highly starred and on my watchlist for further reading.

Thanks and best of luck. P

Hi Alan, just read your first few chapters, really enjoyed them. Like Olive, I was struck by the unusual combo of sci-fi and lit fic, don't think I've come across this before. Some of your prose, esp in the prologue, is quite beautiful and it's edited to a high standard too which makes for a very easy read. I like the worlds you have created, and your characters are both well-rounded and credible, with dialogue a strength. If I have one suggestion to make, and please feel free to ignore, it would be to cut your chapter one off at "I saw something, Mom. I saw something that shouldn't be there..." High stars, and on my list for future shelving.

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Millionaires

I started reading this and soon found myself thinking "Where have you been all this time, wonderful book? I've been looking for you!" Unlike a lot of sci-fi, especially space-based ones, you introduce your world gradually and, while making it exotic enough to be fascinating, keep it familiar enough to be relatable - alien without being alienating. I especially love the prologue, which is very well-written and leaves a reader wondering just what's going on out there among the stars. Starred for now, and I will be coming back for more!

Cheers,
M.
Astral Sea: The Pandora Project

Red Poppy is an unusual book as it contains Sci-fi and literary fiction. The prologue is beautifully written, "like an infant child struggling to balance on two feet," great imagery.Sci-fi is not a genre I normally read but your writing is clear and moves at a fast pace in these chapters. I found I read at a slower pace when we return to Henry's world in chapters 4,8,12. which is as far as I have read. You have a wonderful talent to be able transport your readers between two worlds with great ease and no confusion.
High stars and as you know I have been backing you while reading your script.
All of my best wishes,
Olive.

A great read, with a strong and interesting story.
I think the story is the most important part of the book.
This shows you are a natural storyteller.
Your language is good and the story flows.
Enjoyed what I read and will recommend to others.
Well done.

Alan, just had a quick look a the beginning, and my editor's eye saw the possibility of turning the first two slightly long-winded sentences into one, e.g. "In December 1933, after much debate and politicking, the people of the nation ratified the twenty-first amendment to the constitution".

Hope this helps. Will read more when time permits,

David

RED POPPY
This is an interesting story. I like the way you lay a foundation for this by describing what was happening in 1933. You have good characters in Henry and Orville; they make a good couple to explore this strange earth invasion. Aside from creating good characters a big plus of this is the research you must have done to make this story feel real. I’m adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Oh, I just love a good suspense book. The way you described how suspenseful your book is made me want to read the whole thing, I can't wait to keep reading!

Hello Alan,

I started reading your book and was immediately taken with the tone of your writing. I love the Mark Twain quote at the beginning, it certainly set a stage for me as a reader. And of course the period during prohibition was pivotal for us as a country. Government interference ushered in an era of organized crime that, though lessoned, is still around. You did a good job with that.

You then went on to tell your story. I was captivated by Henry and his mom. Your story-telling is some simple and straightforward, not extra embellishments, but it still paints a clear picture. His mom twirling his hair around her finger, it was charming.

I have recommended your book to the Phoenix Literary book club here on Authonomy. Crit groups are a great way to get a book reviewed and noticed. I think your book would be a good fit for them.

I have a full shelf now, but plan on giving this a spin the next time I rotate.

All the best,

Sharon

Hi,
I finally got around to reading the first two chapters. Sorry it took so long.

For me, the thing I appreciated the most about your book, were the descriptions. They were very well written and always painted clear, visual images. I also enjoyed all of chapter 1. It's been a while since I have read sci-fi on this site, and I was pleased to have found something that was interesting as well as intriguing.
I admit I found the prologue very dense at the beginning and a little dry in the first part. I did enjoy the later sections, where we got to learn about Harry and the complex relationships between the family members. I found the mother a little hard to grasp: the first scene with her and Henry seemed a little forced. In the second scene, I couldn't understand why her behaviour seemed so bizarre. I couldn't tell if she was simply excited or if she were becoming hysterical. And then she just shut down at the end, speaking sternly and bringing the boy's stuff inside. But I figured that somewhere down the line, there is an explanation for this, possibly having to do with the uncle.
I liked the story. I think you have set up some interesting elements here and they are sure to play out well during the course of the story. I will find a place on my shelf for it.

Best regards,
Dyane aka Charlotte12

Hello, Alan-

Quoting from Mark Twain’s Huckleberry Finn was an auspicious beginning to your story, I thought, reflecting on Hemingway’s statement that all American literature comes from that one book.

Overall perspective of the era was nicely set up. The story became immediately interesting, but I stumbled over punctuation.

“world of speakeasy’s,” no apostrophe (not possession).

“a better day for all American’s,” again, no apostrophe.

After we met Henry, I wonded if model T-Fords were still chugging around in 1933. Don't think so. I figured this was an old jalopy they had.

“We might be the only one’s here.” Again, no apostrophy. “Ones,” is correct, although that sounds awkward. How about “intelligent beings?”

“How could we be alone in this huge universe?” As I was reading this and the following passages, a NY Times article from this past week flashed into my mind: most astronomers now believe that there are more planets than stars in the universe, that every star has one or more planets circling them. Your story has a definite immediacy!

“Having set the eyepiece on Mars Henry settled down...” Better to put a comma after “Mars.”

“Something unfamiliar caught his eye, his body stiffened…” Here and with what follows, the stakes are raised in the story. Nicely done.

You wrote: “’It’s time to go inside now young man; I’ll help you take it in.’ She said picking up his stool and turning toward the house.” -- how about this: “I’ll help you take it in,” she said, picking up his stool and turning...” Or: “I’ll help you take it in.” She picked up his stool and…”

Alan, I’m sure if you had gone over your story with a fine tooth comb I would not have picked up so many little errors. I am sure of that. Why? Because your writing style is beautiful, clear and lucid. The reader has no difficulty following what’s going on. I’m going to star it highly.

Best Regards,

Dan Carroll
SlumAuthor

Hi PA!
A few weeks ago, you gave me a very nice review and the promise of a backing! I’m embarrassed that it’s taken me this long to return read. Life’s been crazy lately, but no excuses. Here I am! Thanks for being patient with me.
Below are my findings/comments. They are of course my humblest opinions, so take them for whatever they’re worth.
In the long pitch, there should be a comma after “century”
One thing I’m confused about: Do you mean first contact between humans and aliens, or do you mean between two random alien civilizations (alien from us?), or two alien civilizations from each other, which might include us?
This is an intriguing premise, but I wonder if the pitch ought to be whittled down a bit. It starts reading more like a synopsis here. Try keeping it to the hooks.
Prologue
I’d replace the semicolon after “law-abiding citizens” with a comma.
“double hung” should be hyphenated. Also, maybe it’s a term I don’t know, but what is a double-hung window?
Her mother’s voice is clattering? Do you mean clamoring?
“’When is he going?’ Henry hunched his shoulders and winced before he responded.’ Be sure to get the order of things right. If he hunches his shoulders and winces before he responded, the reader should know this before the response. Or, is he not the one saying “When is he going?” Because as it’s written, he is.
Your writing is so smooth and polished. I’m enjoying this read. Love the insertion of a subtle hint of romance in the second chapter, and am even more fascinated by Henry’s interest in the stars, despite (or perhaps in spite of) the problems in his home.
I’m not sure why this story doesn’t have more backings, but I’ll gladly six-star it and give it shelf time when a spot becomes available.
Best of luck with this!
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Reading the prologue, it was a nice read, rather like watching an afternoon family movie, and then there's the 'catch' at the end, which took me to Chapter 1. Again, a nice read, sci-fi. I can see a lot of thought has gone into this, absolutely nothing wrong with the story. I didn't feel any "Omph", if you know what I mean.
Saying that, I think there's a big chance to get it published! There's a lot of demand for this genre, and this is well-written!
Best of luck!
DJC

Dear Alan,

‘The Red Poppy’ was an enjoyable read.
The otherworldly descriptions are vivid, the language is almost poetic and certain details bear testimony to meticulous research. Your passion for music is also refreshingly evident in some of the names (Percussion anti-matter engines) and concepts (Hisofeaian quartet) that you’ve used. :-) The promising storyline can lend itself to numerous wonderful possibilities, including a visually stunning cinematic adaptation.

My rating: 6 stars

You’ve got a fantastic story here. If I were to put it in a box and identify the genre, I’d brand it with the labels of space opera and high fantasy. Broadly speaking, I think its sci-fi fantasy with a generous sprinkling of literary fiction.
Mixing different genres is a difficult task, as certain settings and story elements will never mix well. The problem lies with the individual flavours, which tend to get lost in the mixture. That said, I believe its better if you start your story with Ch 1 as the prologue doesn’t add much to the core plot, and in fact, may even take away from the ambience of the fantastic space drama.
If Henry’s character is relevant (which I think it is), then it’s better if you introduce him later in the narrative along with an abridged version of the prologue.

Now, for a few words on the pitch.
The short pitch is rather bland. It merely states a fact but does little to excite the reader. The long pitch is somewhat confused. It begins with Earth and then suddenly shifts to another world. I believe you’ve tried to impartially highlight the conflict of interests and cultures from two different POVs, human and alien. I respect that, but suggest that you rewrite it in a manner that is more hard-hitting and consistent with the tone of the narrative.

My alternative short pitch would go something like this.

‘Two worlds. Light-years apart. So similar and yet so very different.
What happens when they come together?’

That’s all I have to offer at this point. But remember, these are just suggestions from a first time writer who’s still struggling to find his own bearings. So, please take them on board only if they’re relevant. Like I said before, this is a promising story with a lot of great potential. I've read 4 chapters and found that it's extremely well written as well.
So, best of luck with it.

Sincere regards,
AGC

I'm not really qualified to comment on this genre as I don't read it, but I can see the writing is very good.
It has a comfortable flow and the dialogue is entirely believable.

I'll star it now and pop it on my shelf when there's space.

Good luck.
Diana
Pascual's Birthday

Thanks Claire. I uploaded the entire manuscript because Henry does make some cameo appearances that are crucial to the story line. Thanks again for re-commenting.

The Red Poppy: The prologue is exceptional, detailing the end of the fourteen year prohibition. The last paragraph, beautifully written, lulls us into the Spring of 1933 with an ending that shocks. There is something out there amongst the stars, sinister and frightening.

Henry, an avid star gazer, is a likeable boy with a tendency to manipulate. He’s smart and does what all children do—dally, just long enough. But his telescope is the topic of the day and the reader waits with bated breath, just in case. This scene is well done in light of what we know from the prologue. Henry muses over life on other planets, clearly fascinated by the unknown. We see a character that enjoys a challenge, courageous and intelligent, setting the scene for what is to come later. Wonderful interaction between Henry and his mother as he shows her the stars and planets, crisp dialogue shooting the plot forward and we wait in suspense. Inspecting the surface of the red plant, Mars, through his telescope, Henry sees something that shouldn’t be there. Great opening, great hook.

Chapter 2 is fascinating, so much so, I didn’t want it to end. Here we meet Reis thinking of the girl he loves. This section is sensual and spellbinding, a romantic interlude before being thrust into the cockpit of an Urse’wian shuttle. Great names by the way, easy to pronounce with short forms to help with pronunciation. I like the description of the craft, its workings and the dialogue between Vand Grec and Reis. The writing is smooth, fast paced and frantic in parts, culminating into a sudden forward surge of the ship which is moving away from Valdi and out of control. The research alone is mind-blowing and I could see every detail clearly. The descriptions are not overdone, just right. We accelerate through these chapters (at warp speed) because we are dying to know what happens next. I think you have cleverly managed to do just the right amount of exposition so we know the characters and where they are from.

We don’t go back to Henry in these six uploaded chapters which I was hoping for but I suspect he returns in later chapters. The thought of a star-gazer capturing something odd in the sky is just too delicious to leave behind. Skilful writing gives this book a constellation of stars. It’s just that good! w/l for space on my shelf. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.