Rosaline- 'I love you, but don't tell your dad'

I've read your book to the seventh upload; i found it interesting and highly imaginative. Your humor kept me on my toes. Nice. . .

Ron, I have read most of your book, and found it to be a very enjoyable read. Anytime a book can take you to a new place, it has completed its job well. Yours did that for me. I backed it and put it on my bookshelf. Thank you for sharing it with me.

Likewise, if you have the time and the inclination, would you consider reading / backing my book of devotions? Thank you.

http://www.authonomy.com/books/38052/the-little-book-of-devotions/

Very interesting premise. I read your manuscript in its entirety ( or at least what you have uploaded here). :)
Your story is moved by narrative rather than dialogue and I can almost picture the scenes as you imagine them, so great are your narrative visuals.
The last chapter is very timely since Santa is our main character of interst there. :). Maybe temporarily( for the season) you could mention it in your synopsis as a little PR push. :)

Many blessings and best wishes for you,
Laura A. Diaz
"They Call Me Blanca"

I have laughed out loud, it is truly too funny. My first impression was that the author seriously needed a ghost writer who was fluent in English, but the more I read the more I liked the broken English and most of the misuse of the English language. It seemed to totally fit with the character of Charlie (I think), but I doubt that any editor will be acceptable of it in this form. More's the pity. I think it is clever and brilliant, and with just the right amount (a wee bit) of editing, it would go on my shelf as the cutest comedy I have read. Delightful.

A charming story that would make many friends with such engaging characters - I can see the merchandise already. You do need an edit eg prologue end, 9 sentences up, hell needs a capital and i needs a capital etc. Also, to me at least, the last line doesn't quite make sense? Anyway, well worth persevering with this :)

A very simply written opening chapter – so simple that it read like a children’s story (which I admit I found a little off-putting).The chapter contained a number of typos, including: “Some clouds hung about the mansion smaller angels called cupids…”which is missing punctuation. Maybe a full stop or a semi-colon after “mansion”. Later there were lower case letters that needed to be capitals, “Cupid face” should be “Cupid’s face” and the final sentence reads very strangely and ungrammatically.

Chapter two continues in the same simple style, which to me seems more suitable for young children than young adults. It too, would benefit from an edit. For example, I noticed some tense confusion.

The book has a distinctive setting and story not found in any other YA books (as far as I know) but to my mind some basic editing is needed before the reader can really appreciate the story being told.

J.S.Watts
Witchlight

Hi, these are just my opnions - along with everybody else here who is trying to improve their storytelling skills etc etc etc...

I would start your book with "Charlie" in Chapter 2. All the other information you are telling us before this part of chapter 2 can be included in fragments as the story gets going. If you tell me everything I need to know then you are not giving me room to guess and take part in your interesting story. String me along and feed me tidbits as you feel I need to know. Try it and see if it doesn't add more excitement and interest to your work.

Best of luck with "Rosaline" and I hope you keep writing more! You have a creative imagination.

Cheers,
Quenntis

PS Have you thought of other titles for your work in progress? I feel it's a little awkward... (again, just my opinion).

Just one catchy idea:

"Stupid Cupid"

I'm not sure about the age level you are aiming for here. The style is easy to comprehend, but it is overly simplistic. It doesn't feel like a young adult novel. It feels like a children's novel but with a subject that might but more suited for young adults. If you want to go the YA route, study some of the popular novels in that genre to get a feel for the level of sophistication needed in the prose.

I'll put this on my watch list.

Brian Bandell
Mute

I've read your book to the seventh upload; i found it interesting and highly imaginative. Your humor kept me on my toes. Nice. . .

Ron, I have read most of your book, and found it to be a very enjoyable read. Anytime a book can take you to a new place, it has completed its job well. Yours did that for me. I backed it and put it on my bookshelf. Thank you for sharing it with me.

Likewise, if you have the time and the inclination, would you consider reading / backing my book of devotions? Thank you.

http://www.authonomy.com/books/38052/the-little-book-of-devotions/

this is an interesting and easy-to-read story. told very well using all the tools- narrative, dialogue, style, pace and skill...
l shall back...
read SEASONS...

I enjoyed your Prologue about the angels. Your descriptions were visual and charming. From chapter 1, I began to lose sight of what your story is about. Your narrative, though described vividly, jumps around and does not flow as a story should. Have you thought about writing this in your native language and then computer translating it? That might would help you with your grammar issues and fluidity. Sorry, I was a proofreader for many years, and all the little things jump out at me. You have a wonderful topic, but you should give more of a hint about it in your first chapter.

Best of luck,
Debbie Martin
IN THE FAMILY WAY

I have laughed out loud, it is truly too funny. My first impression was that the author seriously needed a ghost writer who was fluent in English, but the more I read the more I liked the broken English and most of the misuse of the English language. It seemed to totally fit with the character of Charlie (I think), but I doubt that any editor will be acceptable of it in this form. More's the pity. I think it is clever and brilliant, and with just the right amount (a wee bit) of editing, it would go on my shelf as the cutest comedy I have read. Delightful.

Very interesting premise. I read your manuscript in its entirety ( or at least what you have uploaded here). :)
Your story is moved by narrative rather than dialogue and I can almost picture the scenes as you imagine them, so great are your narrative visuals.
The last chapter is very timely since Santa is our main character of interst there. :). Maybe temporarily( for the season) you could mention it in your synopsis as a little PR push. :)

Many blessings and best wishes for you,
Laura A. Diaz
"They Call Me Blanca"

The Prologue is smart, utterly refreshing and captivated me immediately. Angels, cupid a demon? What a start.

The love story of Charlie and Rosaline is enticing. I love the history as I am a fan of historic fiction anyway.
It is a book that explores ideals and dreams contrasting with the pragmatics of mundane life. His search of a writing career is a must for any author to read and enjoy.

The prose is so readable, flashbacks deepen and colour the storyline, giving credence. Nice paced plot with highly visual characters and engaging plot. .

Thoroughly enjoyed this and will be back for more.

Backed and starred with pleasure.

A charming story that would make many friends with such engaging characters - I can see the merchandise already. You do need an edit eg prologue end, 9 sentences up, hell needs a capital and i needs a capital etc. Also, to me at least, the last line doesn't quite make sense? Anyway, well worth persevering with this :)

Hi D. R.,
You've got an intersting idea ehre. A middle class, Christian boy goes to college in India and meets a special girl.
I'd suggest giving your book a stronger opening. Something that will really grab the reader's attention, like Charlie meeting Rosaline for the very first time. Try getting more dialogue and action into your chapters, and slowly add bits and pieces of history throughout the chapters. I've seen many other authors do the same thing--too much background in the first chapters can easily lose a reader's attention. For example, a major part of my main character's history is not revealed until halfway through the book.
This is only my opinion, of course. I hope it doesn't seem too harsh, and this helps you out! :)
Noelle J. Alabaster "Dark Origins"

Thank you Jack. I will back your book and comment within few days. Take Care. Ron.

I like this story. From what I've read of it so far, Charlie comes across as a real character with a life and a purpose, not just a stock character going through the motions. I love the juxtaposition of his own ideals and expectations with the reality of what he finds, how following his dreams outweighs practicality (of which I can relate to perfectly after leaving a dead-end job in 1999 to set out in search of a writing career). This is a fun and amusing story, similar in context to Gilbert's Eat,Pray, Love (although I actually prefer this one because it has a more humourous side, doesn't take itself so seriously).

Backed when I can, good luck.

Jack

Thank you for your comment, really appreciate it. Yes, I will look into the basic editing. I will read your book this weekend. Thank you.

Hi D. R., The prologue with characters out of Christian mythology surprises after the synopsis. I guess it sets the tone however I felt the second chapter was a stronger beginning. There's already the cementing of Charlie's background there. Nice narrative with his aims, almost as if he isn't in India. That's what's interesting here, Charlie and his family's way of life before Charlie enters the Indian college.
You'll need to read over the chapters for basic editing, punctuation and capitalization. It's jarring to come across these little issues when the writing itself is sound and the style comes across.
I like how the narrator doesn't blanch in affirming his background before he meets Rosaline. It gives a kind of suspense, especially after Charlie's reaction concerning the girl who wants his brother. I'll want to read more while this is on my w/l. Will shelve when space opens - Katherine