Blessed and Betrayed

Sandy, just finished reading your book. I was so intrigued with the whole plot of the story, I couldn't put it down. Every chapter grabbed your interest a little more. Bit by bit you could feel the suspense building. The chapters weren't too long, so it didn't drag out. Sometimes people want to skip a few chapters cause they just want to know what happens, but not with this book as you would miss some of the best parts. Near the end when Carmen gives Victoria the locket with the picture inside, I got goosebumps and guess what, you made me cry. What a touching ending you gave it. I thoroughly enjoyed this book. Please continue writing. You are very talented with a great imagination. Bravo Sandy

Sandy, from the outset you weave intrigue into your story with much for the reader to think about; the strained relationship between Victoria and her mother - and of course the mystery surrounding Karen the nanny. At the end of chapter 3 we learn that Karen and Shirley's mum were neighbours and my mind is already on a course as to why Victoria's mother hated Karen. You also suppy alot of information in dialogue eg the conversation between Victoria and her sister in chapter 2.
An enjoyable read. Good luck. Maria :)

Sandy

I know this is the second version of your book, "Blessed and Betrayed" and all I can say is - well done, you made it work. This is such an improvement on the original, as to be unrecognizable. I hope that you keep writing, because you have a nice touch: realistic portraits, great ideas and a confident, down to earth style. Rated!

All the best

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-))

Enjoyable read, full of colour and prose.
Dramatic and strong, pithy narrative, well-written dialogue.
The dialogue is very believable, just like the characters.
Pitch, pace and powerful.
Pov add to the plot.
Full of emotion and tension, yet not too much to make reading tedious.
Good read.
Well done

BLESSED AND BETRAYED (OWED)
This is an interesting story. Your narrator is a person to whom it’s easy to relate. She’s obviously independent yet caring because of the job she’s chosen. She also has some mysteries about her because of the nanny story. Dialogue is a strength of your writing; it’s brief and sounds real. If I had a suggestion it would be to leave some of the background info (what each of the siblings work at, a shorter version of finding the dog) so this moves a little faster – get us to the hospital because from the pitch we know that’s where the heart of the story takes place. Even so, this is very well written. I’m adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Blessed and Betrayed.
By Sandy Appleyard.


A pleasure to read your book pitches, Sandy. They are precise and offer a good insight into what your story is about—enough to grab a possible buyer, perusing in a bookshop.
Let’s not forget the reason we are all writers at the end of the day ...to sell books!
Your writing is very good and the voice comes over quite clearly, in fact I do like it.
Victoria’s settling in nicely to her nursing job, I do like the talk between her and her sister as she explains some of her patients.
“Uh, not unless you count the one who asked me to change his bedpan.”
“Nope, it’s difficult to find eligible bachelors where I work. You can’t tell if they’re bald from age or chemo”.
You have a sense of humour, Sandy, I can see it in your book, it lightens the story somewhat.
There’s tension between Victoria and her mum—I don’t know how she will take the new pet, ‘Lady’.
I’ll have to find out later as I have to stop here, but will be back for more.
I’ve noted a couple of things below, hope you don’t mind, only you did ask for any help.
All in all, your book is written well and near to publication, slight polishing’s all that’s required and I know you’ll get there.
Will be back to read more and see if there’s anything else I notice.
I’ve well starred it for now though—It’s worth it.

...My hand reached for the knob (to my radio)... (on my radio).
...Every moment available to me was spent with her(In the end) (In her final days)?
...My mother nearly ( had a stroke) when I told her... (nearly threw a fit)?
...My (coworkers) don’t think too highly... (co-workers).
...When the veterinary hospital was just across the street... (As we approached the veterinary hospital).
...”I’m not aware of any dogs of this description” the vet offered.... Comma required after ‘description’ and within the quotes because it’s followed by a speech tag.

Kind regards, Sandy,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

Hi, well written though it is like a long thesis, reads a lot and less happening.
It is like a real life daily thuings, we hear, encounter and happens in the society.

Blessed and Betrayed. Yours sounds a very interesting story - but the pitches need to flow better! Pitches are the bane of my life, but they are so important to draw readers in. The last bit of your long pitch is great, but it is a bit muddled and vague before that. The short pitch could be more succinct?
I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert.

Ch.1. Editors love the maxim 'less is more.' Perhaps 'I cursed under my breath' would be better?
Watch out for repetitions, like: up, clothes, weird, dog. (Ch.2) actually, (Ch.3) kids.
And although profanities may slip out naturally in real life, they dont go so well on the printed page.
That's an unexpected, lovely scene with the dog, ending the chapter. I just have to click on.

Ch.2. There are some unnecessary/vague words, which could be searched and deleted, thus improving the flow of your story. Such as just, suddenly, still.
Your dialogue could sometimes flow more naturally. Try and use it to progress the plot more, and introduce the bits of back-story in a more subtle manner. You dont need to include the meaningless preambles and endings.

Ch.3. The lovely scene with the dog is so natural, but the way you introduce Shirley's backstory is a bit contrived.
I love the paragraph where she looked down at her lap, then said in a soft voice 'sometimes life gives us challenges, and we have to do the best we can with what we are given.'

Sorry I've taken so long to get to you. I look forward to reading your comments on mine.

Jane (Breath of Africa).

Hi Sandy. You’re book is great so far – read the first 5 chapters. I did notice that sometimes your periods are outside at the end of a quote and they should be inside the quote.

In the second Chapter when she’s talking to Carmen. In the quote that says “No luck, huh.” There should be a question mark not a period after huh.

In Chapter 5 where you say She looked back at me with her glassy eyes and asked “hey, you want another drink?” It should be and asked, “Hey! You want another drink?”

The relationship with Shirley tears me up. Gonna read more later.

Extraordinary!

Regards,
Rian Torr
New London Masquerade

The plot and story both are intriguing. The main strength of the book are its dialogues. The book is no doubt thoughtful, stong and well written. I wish u the best of luck with this enthralling work and give it 6 stars and putting it to my WL for future backing.

Romance crit group review

1) Pitch short pitch ok, long pitch sounds very good but the tenses seem to change? Victoria is 32 - starting with this makes her precise age sound very important, but it isn't really.


2) Plot. . Chapter three is where I feel your writing skills really show. The dog description and anecdotes flow better in this chapter than the first two and I am starting to invest in your story.

3) Pacing. I quite like the short chapters and quick pace, this works well for me

.4)spelling grammar-Dialogue grammar, you are missing punctuation before the closing speech marks - easy to rectify but will be quite time consuming.
So "Bye." instead of "Bye". Full stop inside the speech marks.
5) Dialogue Some of the conversations are really witty, and help develop the characters too.

6) Voice/Style It took me a little while to get used to your style of writing. I personally think the first chapter is not as strong as the later ones, but iis the most important to get right for the reader to make them read on!

7) Characterization
Good characters and banter illustrating the relationships. Her mum and the dog was particularly well demonstated.
I will be back to read the later chapters based on the pitch. Good luck with this!

Jo

Ch. 10 para starting, "Arrangements were made..." you write: "Lady liked everybody except for my mom and Olivia was no exception." This phrasing pulled me up short at first as I wondered if "my mom and Olivia" were the two Lady didn't like. I know your phrasing is perfectly proper but it DID give me a "bump".
Para starting: "The waitress approached us ..." you write: "...both my hands into his; were so soft..." maybe add a "they" or "which"?
I'm really not into sex scenes and I hope this is the only one. Is it?
Joyce

Ch. 9 Para starting, "My shift started ..." you write: "I walked and realized ..." think you need "in" (I walked in...)

Ch. 8 first para: "...there a small amount of hair ..." (was?)

Ch. 7 Para starting, "You would think I had been driving hours ..." the phrase "maybe somewhat bought the stuff off ebay" is totally unclear and confusing. I can't even make a suggestion because I have no idea what you're trying to say.
Para starting, "Just as my favorite ..." you write: "...there was only two blocks ..." should be "were" only two blocks.
Para starting, "Mr. Webber's chart said that he was transported by ambulance here ..." you've split your phrase and it makes it "bumpy" ... try switching it around "...transported here by ambulance."

A well written and enthralling text.
read it and back it

I read chapter 12.

Let me say that I LOVE LOVE the dialogue between brother and sister.
It was a very realistic conversation and showed the bond between the two. You captured that extremely well in this chapter.

There were a couple errors here and there, maybe missing a comma or two. Basic nit-picking. This was well writtena dn I am a bit intrigued. I'm leaving it on my watchlist and will pick it up again and read from the beginning.

-Aliah
Her Demise

RCG review of 'Blessed and Betrayed'

Pitch: They are a little confusing as they seem to say different things.. It says 'a family secret is revealed' but the long pitch says 'they could reveal her family secret'. There is a lot of changing of tenses. Victoria wasn't looking for love; love finds her. Should it be ...looking for love; love found her or .. isn't looking for love; love finds her

In the long pitch, you have used 'family' twice in the same sentence. Maybe you could say 'if they follow the doctor's orders they could reveal a family secret that has laid buried for year...' However, it has a good hook and made me want to read more

Plot: Ingtriguing plot that definitely makes me want to continue reading. Intringuing plot. You managed to convey subtly how Victoria's relationship with her mother has undermined her self-confidence T

Pacing: I think you've got the pacing just right. In each chapter you reveal a little bit more about the characters and it moves the story along.

Spelling/Grammar: I didn't notice any particular typos but there are parts where the grammar could use a bit of tightening up. I noticed quite a few missing commas in the dialogue but then who hasn't got them. I know I have! A good tip I was given was to read it out loud to see where the punctuation should fall. I noticed a couple of missing words, eg: 'as was a large dog' - 'she' is missing.

In chapter 2, para 1, the sentence structure has gone a bit awry. 'I couldn't bear the thought of putting her through that and in any case there was no reason why I couldn't keep her...' might read better. In the sentence starting 'Charlie and Carmen' you've changed the POV. Should it be '..comfortable with me'?

Voice/style: Felt a bit formal at times eg 'it would be somewhat inappropriate...' , every moment available to me...'My selection of appropriate dog food bowls was lacking' but generally well suited to the story

Dialogue: the dialogue was all fine and read well

Characterisation: Victoria is developing well. I have a strong mental picture of her. Likewise her mother. We've had some lovely glimpses of her.

I've also made some specific comments about some of the chapters I've read.

Chapter 1: imagery of bread in a toaster doesn't work for me. Does anyone think about how toast feels and does it 'wake up'?

Take out 'to me' as her thought can only relate to her

'closet door' sentence infers that the closet door has taken a shower

Love the 'mom-approved' line. It speaks volumes of Victoria's relationship with her mother

Line with the radio seems to say that the radio peeked out from the sleeve of her scrubs.

Chap 3: 'she lied there' should be 'lay'

Chap 4: many secrets that she would go to the grave with - many secrets she would take to the grave might read better.

There is a lot of telling rather than showing in the book. A few months ago I wouldn't have had a clue what this was but it's something that I got a lot of comments about with my first draft of my book. Once I started telling the story through the characters rather than in my words it definitely read better so maybe something worth considering.

There are a lot of good things about your book Sandy and I look forward to seeing how you progress with it.

Best wishes
Melanie
La Vie en Rosé

Hi there,
So far, I like the voice you have given your MC. Thoughtful, reflective and still very relatable. I enjoyed following her as she went about her day, and I also appreciated the little hints of a mystery yet to unfold (family secrets?)

Nice job; good start to your story.

Dyane aka Charlotte12

Ch. 6 para starting, "It's just that I miss her I guess ..." you've got Victoria holding a coffee mug when two or three paras before this, she turns down coffee because she's having trouble sleeping.
Para starting: "The tears were ..." you switch back and forth between present and past tense in this para ..."The tears WERE ... I can't bear it ... I grabbed ..." Tenses should agree within the para unless it contains a quote or suchlike.
Para starting: "I awoke with a start ..." you write: " ... It was still dark in my room and I forgot that Tabitha was still there, and she was standing at my bedroom door." This is a run on sentence that loses a lot of punch with this delivery. Try something like: "It was still dark in my room. I had forgotten that Tabitha was still there and suddenly there she was, standing in my bedroom door. I'm sure she heard my sleep-dazed gasp."
The next two paras should be one, "Shit. Sorry, Vic ... you have a(nother) bad dream?"

Ch. 5 Para starting: "Tabitha and I are opposites ..." you write: "I am taller than her..." should be "she" you can tell by adding "is" to the phrase: (I am taller than she is -or- I am taller than her is)
Para starting: "Fortunately this type of personality..." you write: "...nobody berating me with ..." I think you mean bombarding me. To berate is to belittle or rebuke.

Ch. 4 first para: If you are designating the Judeo-Christian God "god" should be capitalized unless you are making a point about Victoria's spiritual state.

Ch. 3 First para: " ... my heavy blanket was still kept ..." this is a very passive voice ... should be changed to something like: "I still kept my heavy blanket ..." Same para: Past tense of lie (to recline) is lay: "...she lay there for over ..."

Ch. 2 Para starting: "Charlie and Carmen divorced shorty ..." you switch to third person right in the middle ... Last sentence, "...didn't normally discuss it with anyone, but it was comfortable with Victoria." And then keep it up thorugh the final paras : "...Victoria could picture her ... Victoria heard another ..."

Hate it when I get to POV changes ... they're always so difficult.

Joyce

A RCG review


Pitch: I think the SP and LP are conflicting at the moment. The SP says the family secret is revealed and the challenge is in how Victoria deals with it; the LP's hook is whether her mother will sacrifice her daughter to keep her secret.

Plot: I like the idea of family secrets, what they are, why they are hidden and how they are exposed so I've been looking forward to this read. The twist is often in whether the secrets are something a family can survive so interested to see where that element goes and how the romantic relationship affects the MC's ability to deal with it.

Pacing: Good start with the alarm clock - everyone can relate to those mornings. The story felt like it was picking up the pace in chapter nine and that was reinforced by the second half of chapter ten. If Dr Green is the romantic interest that relationship is introduced and starts with a passionate moment but there's concern about his marital status that throws doubt on his character.

Voice/Style: the story is written in first person from Victoria's POV, which gets the reader into her head and allows the dreams and hints given by Shirley to be exposed. You switches from first person to third person in chapter two with 'but it was comfortable with Victoria,' 'Victoria could picture her rolling her eyes,' and 'Victoria heard another call coming in for Carmen.'

A few other notes I made whilst reading the first ten chapters:

'Working in an office wasn't my style. My brother is an accountant, so he could relate.' - not sure if this is saying the brother hates his job so can understand she wouldn't enjoy it or working in an office he would know what it's like and that she wouldn't enjoy it.

'mom approved' outfits - says so much in a few words.

typo in chapter one, 'balancing hand was no use as was a large dog...' - missing 'she'.
'had a long tail, and the face of a Lab except for her snout and tail.' - tail description repeated and the 'and tail' reads like it's connected to the Lab face - perhaps something like, Her coat was blonde, she had the long shaggy tail of a Retriever but the face of a Labrador, except for the snout which was (how is it different).

The 'had' could be removed from 'the spectacle I had created.'

Might just be me but I picture a bun as requiring long hair to twist and pull into a bun but Shirley is described as having short hair.

I initially read, 'It was a tough time in my life when I found out that Karen had retired,' as Shirley finding it hard to discover Karen had retired but as I read on I think this meant she was going through a tough time, found out Karen had retired and was glad of the job opportunity.

The description of Shirley in the park worked well to show her fun side and sat in good contrast to Victoria's mother. I do understand by the end of chapter three how much closer Victoria was to Shirley than her mother.

There are a couple of references to the age gap in Victoria and Carmen but I don't know how big that gap is or why there is such a gap. If it's important to the story I'd like to know how this mother, who seems very in control, ended up with a younger child. I'm wondering if it's connected to the family secret.

Really like the end to chapter four, 'dogs can smell evil.'

God is given a small g on the occasions I spotted it so far. Unless you are expressing an opinion, it should have a capital G.

The pitch says that Victoria is thirty-two but in chapter five Victoria says that she and Tabitha are both thirty.

The dreams portray the depth of grief Victoria feels at Shirley's death, emphasising their bond and I can see that they are being used to hint at the secret.

I think you could cut the 'what one would presume was,' from chapter eight when describing the ring on Dr Green's finger. If she says it's a wedding ring we will all make the presumption that it is. Would she find a man attractive who wore so much hair gel it looked like it would drip when he turned corners? Maybe she likes him despite that aspect.

The first half of chapter ten is the same as chapter nine.

I wasn't sure why Victoria would feel that it was odd for Shirley to leave everything to her, the paragraph that followed emphasised to me that Shirley's life was empty but for Victoria. I'd already felt they had a close bond so it feels natural that Shirley would leave her belongings to Victoria.

I think I've worked out the secret and why an accident would threaten to reveal it so will be interested to read on and find out if I'm right.

Sandy, just finished reading your book. I was so intrigued with the whole plot of the story, I couldn't put it down. Every chapter grabbed your interest a little more. Bit by bit you could feel the suspense building. The chapters weren't too long, so it didn't drag out. Sometimes people want to skip a few chapters cause they just want to know what happens, but not with this book as you would miss some of the best parts. Near the end when Carmen gives Victoria the locket with the picture inside, I got goosebumps and guess what, you made me cry. What a touching ending you gave it. I thoroughly enjoyed this book. Please continue writing. You are very talented with a great imagination. Bravo Sandy

Hi, Sandy! You will find my comments a little different from most. I'm a trained proofreader so most of what I suggest will be in the way of punctuation, grammar, spelling etc. These little "nit-pickies" can get very annoying but believe me it can be the nits that keep our books from getting picked! Let us begin!

Ch. 1 second para: "thank god" capitalize God? Unless you're trying to portray an attitude.
Para starting: "After showering, my closet door ..." the subordinate clause "after showering" has to refer to the first noun in the sentence so, this sentence says the closet door took a shower. Try: "After showering, I opened my creaking closet door ..."
Last para you write: "...as was a large ..." dropped a "she"

Hi Sandy
I read 7 chapters of your book today and enjoyed it thoroughly. I know that you have gone through some major editing and I noticed a couple of missed words but was so engrossed reading I didn't write them down and now I can't find them ... arrgh.... Anyway on to my book comments. I can see your getting close to the editor's desk and congratulations for that. I think you have a wonderful descriptive way of revealing your characters through dialogue rather than completely by exposition. This is great. The more show the better my writer instructor always told me. There are a few tidbits I might point out that I learned along my way.

I started Jewels 20 years ago. I had just suffered through the trauma of brain surgery which was caused from an illness when my daughter was born 20 years prior. It took me 10 years to write Jewels as it was a healing for me. Needless to say I wrote and re-wrote for almost 10 years after that to get it to the place it is now and it still needs tightening. So you're thinking --- why is she telling me all this. Well, don't find yourself being discouraged about having to re-write. Any good writer will tell you it's part ot the job. You can always make something better. That is why I have a couple of suggestions that may or may not help. Well, here goes:

First off in chapter 1 you have a phrase that begins: after showering, my closet door opened with a creak. This says the closet door was showering ..... Instead you may try After taking a long shower, I opened the creaky closet door etc etc. Just a thought. When I took my first wriring course I phrased a sentence: stroking his beard, his eyes wandered the room :) this says his eyes were stroking his beard (if one wants to be technical)
After my teacher pointed it out to me, I never wrote anything in that manner again. I had a good laugh over it and learned from the experience. Secondly, I see that often you could tighten various verbage such as instead of saying the house is a bunalow, you could say the bunaglow sat on the corner. Most people know a bungalow is a house. You can save words that way and could add something descriptive about the bunalow i.e. color, age etc. I noticed you always clearly spell out a description of your character, sometimes using more words than necessary. When firsrt mentioning Shirley, instead of stating on one line that she was your nanny and then going forward to describe her you could instead say, Shirley was always more than a nanny to me, she was my closet friend, etc etc. I loved chapter 3 where you told about "melting" ha -- that was a great way to show us her personality without having to say anything more. You could do the same for your mother as you have in some degree but a scene early in the book actually with your bother would show us more about her than any amount of exposition could do.

The only thing I was disappointed in was the fact that I read up to chapter 7 and was surprised that nothing had happened yet to lead into the pitch on the book. Perhaps a earlier mention or scene following with flash back might do it. In any case, if your book starts out too slow and doesn't urge the reader to keep reading --- they won't. I speak from great experience on that count. I've made the mistake many times. For instance, my other book on the site is called "God's Gracious Gift" I had originally started the book in my childhood intending to work towards the trauma I experienced as an adult. I didn't get into the meat of the story until about 7 chapters in and most comments about the book stated it was a great story of the 1950's. I knew I had made grevious error as the book isn't about the 50's --- I changed the booked to start out with a flashback and then went forward with the main story. That gave the reader more of an idea what the book was really about.
I hope my comments were not taken wrong as I feel you have a trememdous story here and tell it well. It just needs more tightening. You will find the right way to go about it. Keep writing and you will make it to the top without a problem. Fran is the greatest writer and she will always give you good advice. I see she already commented on the book. You are in good hands.
Blessings Joy --- gave you 4 stars!

RCG critique

Sandy - I want to spend more time reading Blessed and Betrayed - I enjoyed your story and have added it to my watch list.

I read the first five chapters then skipped ahead to chapter 29.
I won't comment on typos or grammar - minor nitpicks.
- Short Pitch - just wondering about the wording - does the family secret question her future or does it cause her to question her future?
- Long Pitch - interested me - but then the accident doesn't happen until late in the book. Chapter 29.I would try to fit in the air of mystery always surrounding her, the recent nightmares - are they a tell tale sign of something foreboding? I think this is the majority of your story and then the accident happens.
- Voice/Style - I enjoy reading first person POV, realizing that it is very hard to write. Your switching to the third person and back again.. It didn't work for me.
- Characters - I liked your characters immediately - finding them realistic and entertaining. Although I knew the references to the tv shows and songs mentioned - I'm wondering if they may be a stumbling block to a younger audience. I love dogs, especially ones that have an immediate dislike to one of the characters. Priceless.
- Dialogue - good and realistic conversation.
- Plot - I like the story - it's just getting there - so the pace could be improved.
Good luck with this. I think you'll do well. - Deb

I've read a few chapters and was intriqued right from the very start, you build a relationship with your characters that the reader can almost picture in their heads.. Rated and looking forward to reading more!

I enjoy your writing and can clearly see into your character. I was distracted by the word 'my' being used so many times. In the first sentence you use 'my' alarm clock. The alarm clock is assumed to be yours and you could subsitute 'the' instead of 'my'. There are many instances were 'my' can be replaced by another word or even eliminated. . I don't know why 'my' stuck out so much in my mind but every time I saw it I came out of the story. I had to same problem with my first drafts except I used the word 'then' way to often. This is a minor thing and may only bother me. The rest of your writing is excellent and the story compelling. I have given you a high rating. Thanks for sharing your story.
Roy Belletete -In Search of a Memory-

I usually prefer to read about characters my age but thirty two year old Victoria is pretty legit. She goes to school, she's not really a morning person, plays loud music in the morning, and has pretty cool dialogue. I'm not sure if thisis suppose to be a sequel or a continuation of another one of your books but you've managed to do a great job in making the audience feel like they're not lost just because they haven't read the previous novel.

I like this, highly starred for sure :)

Hey Sandy, I feel like this version is much stronger than your original. Good job. I did see quite a few mistakes with grammer and with wrong tenses and awkward sentence structures. If you would like a critique on your first few chapter, message me and I can send you my email so you can forward me your m.s. in word and I can show you the areas that I am referring to.

Hey Sandy, I feel like this version is much stronger than your original. Good job. I did see quite a few mistakes with grammer and with wrong tenses and awkward sentence structures. If you would like a critique on your first few chapter, message me and I can send you my email so you can forward me your m.s. in word and I can show you the areas that I am referring to.

Hey Sandy,

Sandy

I know this is the second version of your book, "Blessed and Betrayed" and all I can say is - well done, you made it work. This is such an improvement on the original, as to be unrecognizable. I hope that you keep writing, because you have a nice touch: realistic portraits, great ideas and a confident, down to earth style. Rated!

All the best

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-))

Enjoyable read, full of colour and prose.
Dramatic and strong, pithy narrative, well-written dialogue.
The dialogue is very believable, just like the characters.
Pitch, pace and powerful.
Pov add to the plot.
Full of emotion and tension, yet not too much to make reading tedious.
Good read.
Well done

Sandy, from the outset you weave intrigue into your story with much for the reader to think about; the strained relationship between Victoria and her mother - and of course the mystery surrounding Karen the nanny. At the end of chapter 3 we learn that Karen and Shirley's mum were neighbours and my mind is already on a course as to why Victoria's mother hated Karen. You also suppy alot of information in dialogue eg the conversation between Victoria and her sister in chapter 2.
An enjoyable read. Good luck. Maria :)

Dun-dun-dun "Dogs can smell evil" - I totally agree! I love your writing style. I just joined this website today and it took me a while to find someone who writes in Chick Lit & First Person POV. I mean sure there are a few out there but they didn't connect to me the way your characters do. They are easy to relate to. Keep up the good work and I will check out your other works as well :)

BLESSED AND BETRAYED (OWED)
This is an interesting story. Your narrator is a person to whom it’s easy to relate. She’s obviously independent yet caring because of the job she’s chosen. She also has some mysteries about her because of the nanny story. Dialogue is a strength of your writing; it’s brief and sounds real. If I had a suggestion it would be to leave some of the background info (what each of the siblings work at, a shorter version of finding the dog) so this moves a little faster – get us to the hospital because from the pitch we know that’s where the heart of the story takes place. Even so, this is very well written. I’m adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Hi Sandy,
I’m so sorry; I thought I had read some of this before! I’ve read the first 5 chapters.
Ha! The bit about the girl following and what she said to her mum was hilarious! Had me laughing out loud
The POV switch at the end of chapter two was a little confusing, you need to re write it a little and get rid of the Victoria’s and change it to ‘I’
I love Lady, and I like that she growled at the mum.
Ladies man is normally used to describe a man who dates a lot of ladies so I was a bit confused you used it to describe Tabitha.
You’re building up nicely. Good chapter length.
5 stars :-)
Tammy Robinson

Ch. 1 Para starting, "Charlie and Carmen divorced shortly after her law practice ..." You forgot to change it to first person. Your final sentence is, "But it was comfortable with Victoria". And for the rest of the chapter, it's the same.
Other than that, you're off to a great start.
I've got you on my bookshelf and will be "looking in" on chapter two soon.

Joyce ~ Slave to Grace

Your teasers are pretty good but, like many folks you have a problem (right off the bat) with part of your short teaser. You say, "Surrounded with love, the people she thought ..." the phrase 'surrounded with love' should modify 'she' ... instead, because of your word order it modifies 'the people'. The noun or pronoun which is modified by a phrase always need to follow that phrase. It's the difference between, "Round and sweet and oozing raspberry filling, she ate the doughnut quickly" and "Round and sweet and oozing raspberry filling, the doughnut was rapidly consumed by her." SHE is not round and sweet and oozing raspberry filling ... unless she's eaten more than her share!
Try, instead something like: "She thought she was surrounded with love, but the people she relied on ..." or to maintain the beginning you have you might say: "Surrounded with love, she found that the people she ..." (feel free to use one of these or whatever). I really like the first suggestion better, because obviously you're going to say she wasn't surrounded by love at all ... so beginning by saying she was is confusing. I always try to be constructive.

Joyce ~ Slave to Grace
Now I begin Ch. 1. I hope you take a look at mine.

You're a talented writer and you've developed a deep, sympathetic character in Victoria. It is worth putting in some extra effort to get this ready for publication.

I like where you are going with the description of her family in chapter 1. Yet, I would like to see you “show” instead of just “tell.” It’s more effective to show or recall certain instances of her parents disapproving of her instead of stating that they do as fact. Recount exactly what they said to her and how they said it.

Typo (not possessive): “DOGS have a sixth sense with me…
”
Typo: “I couldn’t think of A reason why I couldn’t keep her."

The bedpan line is funny.

The flashback to her conversation with her nanny is well done.

I feel that there’s a big missed opportunity between chapters 4 and 5. You’ve played up the mother as a major protagonist in the book and I was really looking forward to seeing her interact with Victoria and the dog. But you move through that very quickly. That’s an opportunity to let your characters shine.

When you say Tabitha is a “ladies man”, what do you mean? A “lady’s man” is a guy who is good with the ladies so I’m not sure why you would use that description for a woman.

You list a handful of genres here. For me, this fits more into chick lit and romance. The pace is too slow for a thriller as this plot takes a while to develop. Plus, what is driving this is relationships, not life, death and crime, so that makes it fit into the former categories better.

Your writing is strong so I will back this.

Good luck,

Brian Bandell
Mute

The premise and intrigue of your story are good. What I had trouble with was your story is very telling and not showing. I can't visualize what is taking place. In the first chapter, for example, describe what mother approved outfits are versus Victoria's weekend wear, so the reader gets an idea of who she sees herself as against who she is for her mother's sake. Splash in some metaphors and similes on occasion. Air thick with humidity, crunchy grass, wilted rosebushes can all be described fuller, as can your cast of characters. I get no sense of who they are or what makes them tick. When Victoria states it is obvious she and Carmen are sisters, you list the similarities and differences rather than reveal them. (and describe - what color are their eyes, is their hair? ) What you, as the writer, see in your mind's eye, you need to describe so we the readers may see it too.

Keep up the good work, you have a really good story here.
Karyn

I like the promise of your book, though I think it could be better. I'm sure it will get much better. I'm placing it on my shelf for now. Will send you a more detailed review later.

As requested here's my thoughts.
I like the angle of the story and I can see where you're going with it. The one thing i would eliminate is the prologue, it is far too telling...maybe there is a way to not give the plot, but highlight a different time in her life that will draw the readers.

I took the time to read through several chapters and have sent you an email with the little things that you need to sort out like tense, tags, back story etc...but all in all i see that the story is solid and with a little tweaking here and there, you can roll this into a mystery page turner. There is alot going on in Victoria's journey, she grew up confused and questioning and each chapter could leave the reader wondering what's coming next. Family turmoil and secrets are the perfect suspense to lead the reader along.

I have starred your work and will back it for a bit when i get some shelf space. I see a talent in your writing, with a little more show not tell, i'm sure it will do well.

All my best,
Wendy
And When

Sandy,

I really liked the first three chapters of Blessed and Betrayed that I read. You said you updated chapter one. Were you trying out writing in first person? Because the rest is in third? I liked reading in first person, it made Victoria seem more tangible. But I think you did a good job writing in second person too. I did notice in the second chapter, paragraph beginning, “Just as she closed the door… I think the sentence would be more logical to say “Carmen and their brother…” because aren’t they all siblings? And the next paragraph, “Their brother Sean..” And then in the last chapter in paragraph three you changed person. Maybe just drop the “hers“ “So Victoria very proudly looked up at her, with eyes welling up and chin trembling…”

I find writing in third person so difficult to begin, but once you get in the rhythm of the viewpoint of your character, then it’s fun. It’s kind of like one of those 3-D pictures where you have to barely cross you eyes in order to see the 3-D image. I really struggle to get into that third person mindset in the first chapter of my book. Every time I read it, I know it’s not right, but I just can’t seem to get it to sound like the later chapters…

Anyway, if you decided to stick with the first person way, I think you might want to change the prologue too. Your story is interesting and for whatever reason, I have a feeling that Shirley is more than a nanny. Am I right? Good job and good luck.

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Well written and engaging - i have read the first 3 chapters and look forward to the rest.

I enjoyed the first few chapters but I felt disconnected to Victoria. I think the first few chapters is overloaded with history and your telling me more than you are showing me. Also, I suggest thinking about making this novel into first person so you can really show Victoria's emotion. I need to connect with the main character in order to want to read more. The wedding vow scene was good, I could feel the emotion between them.

First of all, your long pitch needs work, the use of the phrase "the plot thickens" in particular needs to be thought about. Also, "the plot thickens resulting from" doesn't really make sense.
Chapterone was well writen but too long for me, and chapter two likewise. In the early chapters there is too much explaining, too much family history. This slows things right down and a publiher or agent wont get past this point. I skipped ahead a few chapters and it's much better at this point, as the story gets going more. The stuff about the family and her history can be explained through plot points or simply inserted at a later date.
Sit down with it, and read it, not as a writer, but as a reader, and think what you would want to see as a reader.

Blessed and betrayed

These are just my thoughts, use, and disregard as you will, they are just one opinion in many!

Cover – Eye catching def makes me want to look further
Short pitch – good
Long pitch – not convinced – didn’t put me off reading but it doesn’t make me think wow.

Prologue – Little bit passive in places and a little bit repetitive but I get what you are trying to do here. Try adding in their surroundings, little touches, to give us more of the action of them marrying and not just his feelings – we get it honestly we do... but feels like ur hitting the reader over the head at the moment. It’s not badly written just a little repetitive

Part 1 – This feels like an info dump that should be woven into your actual story along the way

Chapter 2 – Ok am confused...how can Shirley have died a few months before Victoria graduated nursing school. In part 1 you tell us when Shirley dies that’s when she decides to be a nurse. Nursing courses are yrs long, time line seems off to me in the bit.

Again the chapter is a little passive in places which is slowing it down, but the pace improves when you inject the phone conversation with Carmen and the teasing

Chapter 3 – Seems to be more of a background chapter than moving the story forward.

I enjoyed what I read but I do think it could be much better. I’m not trying to bum you out etc, just you have a great idea that you could make better. Maybe it’s my taste in books but there is a little too much background and narrative in these first few chapters. I will however read more later and see how the story pans out.

For now I’ve given a healthy dose of stars and even thought there are a few issues I will back this, because I believe there is a lot of promise in your writing.

Hi,

your first chapter intrigued me and made me think about how this will connect to the story outlined in your pitch. easy to read and flowed well! I will definitely continue reading.

i would love to hear your comments on my book - Above us the stars.

thanks
sarah