Amgalant

I have seen this book on the Jotiffy site, it is a truly magnificent read. Historical fiction does NOT come much better.

Jack Hughes

Ooh, this is a labour of love, isn't it! It's hard going - the names, the customs, the anachronisms but every so often the writing catches fire and it sings. 'Epic' is a term bandied about very loosely these days - usually with respect to rather dull and very long fantasy trilogies - but this is the real thing. MG

Wow. Talk about magic in the storytelling. I sense that if i stay with it, i will be engulfed. I dont want that now, so i retreat. This magic is very strong, very present. I have always been fascinated by the Mongols and Dzhengiz. Something feels very much like "home" to me.
I have starred you high
Leelah saachi

Hi, Bryn, I've read a lot further and am getting used to and hooked on your style; you're inside the characters and looking out through their eyes, rather than being an omniscient observer, so the reader lives in the era.

The story became clearer once Temujin appeared as a newborn, earlier I kept confusing Hoelun with Borte and confusing their stories. Would it work best with two separate works w. each of these as central characters?

I still feel the same about anachronisms, but found many fewer (can one say that?) after the first couple of chaps. With a sprinkling of anachronistic words or thoughts throughout there's a universal, immediate, effect, but with just one or two they bring the reader up short, like those movies where every period detail is perfect except for the heroine's ultra-modern hairstyle.
I may have to wait to read the rest when you're in print.

Re.your comment: 'like the Iliad' is a compliment isn't it???
emotional involvement can (should?) build up slowly, not necessarily with TV- like immediacy.
perhaps too many different styles in the first chap or two is too confusing for the reader.
congratulations on moving up.

Bryn here.
This comment set-up needs to be a discussion page. I need to discuss with you. So I'll go ahead and convert this into talk.

A couple of things have puzzled me, and I'm going to ask questions, of past or future commenters.
More than one person has said the early parts are 'like the Iliad' in antiquity of style. Or, It's Greek to me. I thought the 1st chapter ('Yesugei Seizes a Wife') had a range, from straight translation, briefly, out of the 13th C, to rather a modern technique for Yesugei's thoughts. Comment?
My other puzzle. 'Hasn't the emotional involvement of a modern novel.' It's certainly meant to have, and straight away. Is this a style-thing? More comment.
In the 1st chapter, I tried to suggest the gamut of styles-to-be-used. Sort of, this is what you get: very old to very new. In the 1st and 2nd I tried to give a gamut of the subject matter, too (1. Yesugei and Hoelun – personal; 2. the Mongols – political). The idea is, you have to like both or you'll be bored by half the book.

On Kevin's comment: It used to be in verse, and I want to re-tell - even in a pretty up-to-date way (witness my anachronistic slang). I have left the verse in, fairly often.

Different chapters have different styles. Feel free to read a later chap, instead of the 1st, and comment on the style (we get sick of the 1st).

As per complaints, the description of my source is now at the end, with a short note at the front. Makes it more obviously up to you, when if ever to consult the factual information, as I always meant.

This is a very difficult book upon which to comment, simply because it is pretty unique, at least as far as books on Authonomy. It reminds me of the Iliad or perhaps one of the lesser-known Tolkien volumes. I sometimes find those Tolkien volumes, such as the Silmarilion, difficult to follow, because so many facts come at us so quickly, and the facts are about people we really don't know or have any emotional attachment to. I think this work has some of that same problem.

Some people have mentioned the issue with the prefatory material being too much, and I think they are right. Because it is a topic with which most people are not familiar, I think a very short preface could be helpful, but perhaps no more than three or four paragraphs. The extent of what you have now more loses the reader than informs, and really in now way draws the reader in makes the reader want to continue.

I am wondering as well what the market for this is. It seems almost like something that should be put into verse, such as the Ballad of the White Horse or Song of Roland. I'm not sure how an agent would be able to fit this into the current publishing world. It might be something that would do well on Kindle, though, as it's a good example of the historical ballad. I think that market might be small, but Kindle allows for works in niche markets.

Wish I could be of more help.

Kevin Clark
(Will of God)

Very negative.

e. apanda

I enjoyed reading your book, so I backed it. Have a look at mine, Penrose - Princess of Penrith and if you like it, will you return the favour and back it? If you do, many thanks. Best wishes, John

I’m not convinced by the notes in Chapter Two. There is a lot to read before one starts the story proper. How many people are going to read it? If it’s there to convince the reader that what follows is a true story, then I’m not sure it does that because in places it reads in too chatty a style to come across like an academic prologue. In other places, I found the turns of phrase a little strange or even strained.

Chapter Three – a very interesting read. I enjoyed the origin myths, but it convinces me even more that I didn’t like chapter two. There are a lot of words being put between the reader and the story.

Chapter Four – this reads to me like a cross between a traditional tale and a commentary on a history book. A distinctive approach.

There is much to admire here – a wonderful amount of research and background information. As noted above, the style is distinctive. This doesn’t read like a novel so much as historical story telling. I guess because of that, because for me it doesn’t have the draw-the-reader-in and engage-their-emotions approach of a modern novel, I didn’t really enter into its world. That may also be one of the problems of Authonomy – you end up looking for a quick read so that you can evaluate and comment, rather than a slow and thoughtful progression. So, sorry I have not managed to become fully engaged here.

J.S.Watts
Witchlight

i think this is a difficult read, but perhaps more so at first, i read the first three chapters, which is my usual, and found after the first one and a half to be getting things, though i think a very plain explanatory note on style and sources could be used, i am a little confused on your sources, what is translation,etc.. but perhaps this is the clever author's desire ..., but i got past that to enjoy the work, the language i get must weave in different apects of the day to day with tribal myth and fact, not only in substance but in style, and it does that, , the odd stucture and wording i think rightfully reflects a different time, where even if you were reading a translation from your native tongue the lanquage would be full of arhaic words and phrasing, reflecting the way these peoples becoming a people saw the world, and I do think iit interesting how the personal oddly enough is the focus for this group of people who are busy conquering their known world (as the author conveys),, the way a kidnapped woman uses myth and art around to see her situatio does give me the sense how these people brought humaness and nobility to bear upon issues, i am going to back this for its uniqueness and the language

HF20 Review;

Hi Bryn,

Overall I found this to be quite hard to read. I've read three chapters and a lot of the time it felt to me like a literal translation of Greek. It was various ways of phrasing, "For father he had..." and it did make it quite hard going. It was very dense reading, a lot of information in each paragraph and while for the most part it worked well, some paragraphs felt as though they were poorly constructed in terms of how the information was set out.

The most enjoyable part for me was the preface. I found that very interesting and it educated me as well on certain aspects I knew nothing of, but it didn't open well. A more gentle opening would certainly make it easier.

While I was able to follow your preface without any problems, I found it very hard to know what was going on once I started reading the story. I had no idea who these people were and what was the point of what they were doing. I just couldn't fathom where it was going and what was the importance of this or that - even trying to bridge the gap between the end of the first chapter and the start of the second chapter was difficult.

Not to mention again the phrasing which I felt had to make me think more in terms of figuring out what the sentence was saying - the syntax was very unpredictable - but also the names were difficult to remember.

There were times however that I found this so interesting and seemingly true, and with the feeling of it being a translation, I had to check a number of times to make sure you actually hadn't translated this!

But from the reading the preface it sounds like you have struck upon a wonderful idea. The way you deliver it also stands it apart from everything else I've read, but its just the syntax thats the real problem and prevents me from fully realising whats going on.

Yours,
Joe

AMGALANT
I enjoy reading books about places I have never been and probably never will be and this book certainly fulfills that qualification. A big plus for the book is your writing style; it’s clear and easy to read (altho your introduction seemed a little long; I was anxious to get into the actual story). Either way, a good story. I’m adding this to my shelf. Wannabeawriter. Who Killed the President?

Big fan of historical fiction which means: I like this one A LOT. However, I did breeze over your preamble, so that may suggest it is toooooooo long and could use some condensing, or dat I am just a nitwit---you decide!

Shelving it now and will read on. Best of luck with this handsome novel,
E.R.

This looks intriguing. It's on my watchlist for a proper perusal before Christmas, but in the meantime you might want to think about tightening about the two pitches, making them the sort of blurb you'd find on the back of a book jacket and which will attract passing readers/browsers.

J.S.Watts
Witchlight

I have seen this book on the Jotiffy site, it is a truly magnificent read. Historical fiction does NOT come much better.

Jack Hughes

I enjoyed the first couple of chapters. Your writing is intelligent and your style evocative of the times about which you talk. I enjoy this genre and will therefore carry on reading, Please tell me if you want me to add comments on vocab and grammar. Good luck, this work shows great promise.

regards

Cyrus