Revolution Earth

Hi, there – this is your BHCG review from AudreyB. As you may know, I am accompanied on my reviews by my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag. Whatever you don’t agree with was likely her doing.

Plot – opening, narrative flow/momentum
I love the imagery of the prologue, and appreciate how it has me looking for further signs of how we humans have left our mark on the earth—how far we’ve walked. Interesting device.

The scene with Tariq—a man from a relatively primitive background who has been damaged in the city—further emphasizes the question asked in the prologue. People are desperate to reach civilization, yet those living in it become damaged. His very real pain at hearing one of his riders is down links these ideas effectively.

I’m struggling at the start of ch. 3. I can’t seem to connect the woman’s daydreaming and the dialog and the man’s presentation. It helped me tremendously when I realized that Richard and Palmer were two men, not one. (I don’t have the benefit of automatically knowing what all the school ties signify, though I have a pretty good idea.) I am suitably shocked when he strikes the traffic warden, though it seems odd that he has an unpracticed swing. I would have thought he’d strike with more precision, and of course now I know he’s going to run Jonie down. I hope the complexity of the accident (him punching the woman, then Jonie gouging his paint job, then him finding her and hitting her) will prove to have some purpose, otherwise it’s too darn involved.

Characters/Characterization
I’m a middle-aged conservative Christian woman who adores food, so Cara comes across as a bit comical to me, munching her food as mere fuel and spouting naïve pronouncements on those who earn a living. The cigarette was the icing on the cake for me, as it fits with my experience of the holier-than-thou. When Stephen considers her accent I also get the impression there’s something artificial about her beliefs. OK! Enough politics from me; that’s not what you’re here for. Unless you intended me to find her naïve or artificial, in which case, way to go!!

On the other hand, Cara’s concern for the earth does connect the reader to the prologue, particularly with the focus on petroleum products.

Tariq intrigues me and comes across as far more authentic than Cara. He clearly wants to help his family but isn’t sure coming to London is the best way to help. He cares for his workers to the point that he feeds them lentils—I wondered how long we humans have been eating lentils, and sure enough my research tells me it was one of the earliest domesticated crops. An elegant and meaningful touch.

Point of View/Voice
Worked for me. If you are headed where I think you are headed, the multiple points of view will help craft a much more meaningful story.

Style – very subjective but good to know if it works or not for the reader
Your style is quite literary which definitely works for me; your writing is dense enough to slow me down so that I can savor the words, the characters, and the setting.

Sentence level – grammar, repetitive structure, wordiness, unneeded phrases etc
It’s not often that I read a manuscript whose writer appears to have carefully chosen his words. Your diction is marvelous. Using tungsten for the color of the sky suggests not only how hot the day, but how far this culture is from melting tungsten.

Your writing also has cadence and rhythm (stolen from your own words) that makes this book a pleasure to read.

A phrase that didn’t work for me: “…gluing her tawny hair to the ground of which, scant seconds ago, she was the speeding queen.” What about, “..gluing her tawny hair to the ground which, scant seconds ago, she sped across so confidently.” Though you would choose a better word. What about, “she sped across with confidence.” But it may well be me.

I like the way you link the filthy window with Tariq’s inability to use a more earth-friendly bulb.

You’ve got peddling where you want pedaling.

Dialogue
Very well done. I believe the conversation Cara has with Stephen and fully believe their growing curiosity about one another.

Other reviewers have already noted your tendency to have Stephen talk and then move directly to Cara’s thought/actions or vice/versa. I’m imagine that’s already repaired in the copy on your computer.

The dialog at the top of Chapter 3 is a bit muddled for me.

Originality
I have no idea how original this is. On the other hand, I can say with confidence that it is timely, which is probably more important.

Publishability
I think yes.

All the best to you,
~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

Hi, this is a BHCG review.

You pull off a really fine trick in the first chapter, lulling me with some really pretty writing and then, just as I was starting to wonder where it was going, waking me up with a car accident. Perfectly timed, in my opinion. The second chapter is just as confident, introducing characters that appear strongly formed without the need of lots of detail and description that would detract from the overall feel. The writing kind of marches on and just sweeps the reader along with it. It takes no effort to read. Very polished, very professional.

This is a very polished manuscript. The writing is of a very high standard. I found no hiccups, clumsy phrases of poorly constructed sentences. It doesn't read like a collaboration, it feels like a solid and consistent whole, which seems to me like it would take some real effort on behalf the authors, so well done for that.

I have nothing negative to say about this book at all. Strong, confident and really, really good. The only criticism I have of the overall package is the use of 'or is it?' in the strap-line. Seems a bit weaker than everything else, and not quite in flavour with the rest of the writing. But that is a pretty minor criticism.

I've always wondered what kind of black magic goes into a successful collaboration, and I think you've discovered the formula.

I've read Chapter 1 and 2. Wonderful stuff. I agree with another reviewer who commented on how "purposeful" the writing is. Just like the character stamping his foot in the prelude--the writing is strong, deliberate, and meaningful.

You have an enviable ability in portraying high action, and I was right there in the biking scenes, taken back almost 30 years to my first viewing of the movie "Quicksilver". The eventual hit and run similarly blindsides the reader. Excellent job there.

Loved several descriptions, among them:

"tendon-taught memories"
"the joyless munching of people for whom food is fuel"
the church "ruddy with summer health"

You take bold control of the omniscient POV, which can be hard to do. I did wonder why after so many eye witness accounts to the accident, so little was conveyed about the Mercedes that hit Jonie? Could be that the car sped off too quick, but the reader doesn't witness much curiosity in those that have witnessed the "accident".

All in all, I read these chapters with a frown of begrudging approval. When you're good, you're good. Made me re-look at your profile. Highly starred and will back it soon.

I’m up to CH 5, and I’m enjoying it. The dense description/narration is perhaps unusual for a thriller, but unusual doesn’t mean wrong. Reading would become tedious if everyone’s style was the same.

I’ve noticed that some reviewers don’t relate to the Prelude. I love it. For me, it says that this situation is a core element of the story, and I’m wondering whether it’s suffering from the fact that it’s hard to assess when we only read a very small section of the whole. (Or maybe it’s an Australian thing!) To a certain extent, perhaps the same thing applies to the description of the accident. The fact that it’s ‘told’ (extremely well) rather than ‘shown’ works for me. This is the catalyst for the story, not the story itself.

Multiple POVs also work for me (mine’s the same) but it’s worth checking that the POV is crystal clear throughout. There were also a couple of places where it’s not clear who’s speaking. The first is the earliest conversation between Cara and Stephen, and second is in the presentation in CH 3. You need a para break after ‘Call the help desk Rich,’ she said quietly.’ The mix of characters – corporate vs streetwise, you might say – promises to give the future conflict an extra level.

Picked up a few small things at sentence level:
CH 2 – ‘His thighs tensed in turn in identification’. I know what it means, but it seems clumsy.
‘The phantom of muscular exertion still exerted...’
CH 3 – ‘It didn’t matter much what an oil painting was of, or even if it was any good, that mattered in the end’
‘Richard looked round the room in disarray’ Is the room in disarray?
‘Palmer’s eyebrows raised.’ Rose not raised?
‘Or could she?’ I assume this refers back to ‘Later Ginny would...’, so probably should be ‘Or would she?’

You obviously have an impressive master of style, language and technique. Good luck with the book. Highly rated.

Helen Meikle
Six Weeks in Summer.

I can appreciate the eco feel of the prelude, how in opposition it is to the bustling streets of London that you then switch to. If the story is about the Big Oil company and Cara taking up Jonie's fight to save the planet, I can see the reason for the contrast and why the man in the prelude notices the change in the land he knows so well. If the story is more about Cara and her personal desire to see Greg brought to justice for causing Jonie's death then I'm not as convinced about why it's there, perhaps the endless friction of the world is telling me Cara's struggle will be fruitless and nothing we do leaves a permanent mark.

I like the backwards roll in time through the first three chapters, the crash viewed through different perspectives., building the picture.

I've only read four chapters, so far, but as I progressed through them I found the story took on more grit, it became less about the prose and the imagery and more about the events.

The POV doesn't seem to settle, I'm not sure if that is because you intended a type of omniscient perspective, it does work but I'll be interested to see if, as the story progresses, it concentrates more, bringing the reader in to closer connection with one of the characters. That seemed to be happening more in chapter four, drawing me further into Cara.

You have talent and skill, that is obvious from what I've read. The pitch promises hooks that would get me into the story and keep me reading. I see hints of it so far. The countries that will provide the backdrops promise a mix of exotic, urban and raw settings so I'd like to see how the plot develops against them and how the tension of a thriller competes against the creation of those settings.

BHCG. Revolution Earth. By Lambert Nagle. 17/05/2012.

For me, the technical aspects of the writing plus the opening chapter led me to reach chapter 2 without any comments; which is unusual. So I started again. I enjoyed the enforced slow reading pace, easy and interrupted. Good background knowledge of places, people and mechanics. Obviously your vocabulary is greater than mine; I had to hit the dictionary a few times.
SP. Okay for me.
LP.
1). After noting your style/prose I think the word 'Rookie' is out of place here.
2). Two 'him' words close together. 'When Cara catches him/to confront him.
3). A little overstated that our 'Rookie Detective' is attempting to solve a murder. Isn't he part of (low level part) a team?
4). Sentence. 'As a publicity stunt at a major oil refinery goes wrong.' You may want to rewrite the sentence, especially with some explanation as to ' The Target.'

Chapter 1.
1). Jouncing? Had to look that up.
2). I couldn't work out what you were implying regarding the movie extra threading through the jungle. (Concrete jungle?).
3). Had to look up 'bodhishatta.' Didn't help much. (That's my problem – not yours).
4). The sudden switch from Jonie's death to the introduction of characters is okay as long as they and their traits feature later, advance the story and/or are related in some way. Those three paras (prior to Tuesday 2.40) give me slight problems because I don't know whether I should remember the details.
5). Gamine?
6). Not sure about the inclusion of Heather Mills and the Scouse guy. Seems unnecessarily intrusive. What are you trying to convey.
(Maybe I'm missing things here due to my lack of understanding. If so, I apologise.).
7). When you mention Ireland, is this the Republic or Northern Ireland?
8). The PC's 'pointed helmet' comes way below the hairline (I think).
9). I'm not too attracted to someone who lives on lentils and 'baccy.' (Just a personal view.).

General. Had to go back to LP to check out the MC. Seems as if Stephen is MC followed closely by Cara.


Chapter 2.
1). I'm not going to check your time-lines as I am sure you have done this.
2). 'That room.' As the room has not been mentioned before maybe, 'The Room.'
3). Maybe, The single, unwashed window...'
4). 'Sometime back about then. (Doesn't flow too well.).
5). 'Dusty filing cabinets, etc, etc (maybe too many objects) made the small space claustrophobic (or something like that.)
6). I didn't think 'chapatis ' were greasy. Naans are. Lentils again. Maybe this office would be a little smelly. 'Old discarded...(Old is redundant.).
7). 'In this traffic.' (Maybe, city traffic.).
8).If Tariq is Muslim he would not say 'My God.'
9). Do you need to mention the VOIP connection? It doesn't relate to hopeful & wheedling.
10). Emporia? (Quaint word.).
11). Maybe try a word count on the complete MS for 'was.'
12). Robobank?
13). I don't think you would be allocated a Psychiatrist following an accident. Maybe a Clinical Psychologist.
14). I getting a distinct impression that you are a 'bike person.' If so, don't overplay it.
15). Peloton?
16). APB?

Chapter 3.
1). Hail-fellow-well-met. Awful cliché.
2). Threateningly lengthy. (Maybe, long, threatening silence.).
3). If you are aiming at International readership be careful of referring to local celebrities and English custom.
4). If there is an oval rosewood table feature, why is the Victorian sideboard incongruous?
5). 'Call the help desk rich.' This completely threw me as I thought you had made a mistake by naming Palmer next.
6). Richard Sloan speak?
7). 'Flip-chart.' ('pad' is redundant.
8). 'hard earned folding.' Language seems out of place.
9). 'Believing he was unobserved...' (Maybe, unaware of being observed.).
10). African. (maybe Afro-Caribbean).
11). Meter maid – a bit derogative – or Parking Warden. One or the other, not both.
12). Hitting the woman. Hard to believe.
13). Ginny saw lots of things at once; The whites of her eyes (from at least first floor level), both hands at same time operating brakes, description of Parking Warden's bruised face.
14). An GL500. (A GL500).
15). 'I have the number two...' If the window is up how can Joni hear him?
16). Afternoon rush hour. (2.45?).

Quite a few bits and pieces there guys. However, you seem to have a sound MS and have some really good feedback from others on site. And I did like the first Chapter as it gave me an initial good read. The fact that I read Chapter 1 and forgot to comment indicates (to me) that this book has been edited, proofed and rewritten. This requires lots of hard work, something I respect. So really, you have everything going for you. I suppose it is a matter of 'Keep going and one day...

Chris. Different Victims

BHCG review
Plot: got as far as Ch4. I admit to being a bit confused by the title of the work - it made me pay more attention to Cara and her eco-warrior commentary but it didn't seem to relate to the plot to date, which appears to be about a ruthless man murdering a girl. I'm guessing there may be the kind of literary overtone where this is a metaphor for the way big oil and so forth act against the environment, but to ch4 at least I wasn't sure what I was reading and I was getting worried that I was going to be treated to a polemic where all the climate deniers are ruthless nasty evil people and the eco-warriors are good. I'd have to read more to find out how this all pans out, but I wasn't feeling overly comfortable with the narrative voice.
Mostly the flow was good, in the sense of description and action, dialogue etc - I felt some scenes were perhaps overly long, some a lot shorter but just as important and cutting between viewpoints was a bit confusing, particularly where we go back in time to Jonie prior to the accident - took me a few moments after reading that section to put it all together.

characters - on the whole Cara is well realised, if you intended the reader to follow Steve's impression of her as middle class reading the eco stuff from a script. Palmer is a baddie cliche so far with nothing at all positive about him - totally one-dimensional, which is probably what got me worried about the possibility of a polemic. i suppose there are people like that in the world but I don't find him particularly believable - his lack of remorse, no relief that he got off lightly, very little obvious emotion. He didn't convince me.
Tariq has a lot of potential, he has a past, he has a family, a small business, he cares - he is easily the most believable of your characters.
Stephen hasn't really seen enough action yet for me to get a sense of him. If he's a major character, perhaps some more from his pov in the early chapters would be good.

POV. Nowadays this seems to be a taste thing. Dan Brown does what you do and he's a bestseller. Personally, however, I don't like writing that jumps POV in the middle of a paragraph, that gets inside someone's head and then jumps to someone else's POV instantly. I like the multiple POVs fine, but personally would prefer to see one POV per section.

style. perhaps because of the POV thing I'm not completely convinced. I think you could shorten some sections. I do like your descriptive passages. Some telling rather than showing, especially when you suddenly gave us brief backstories for Cara and Jonie - that felt very contrived to me.

grammar - mostly fine. Others have picked up odds and ends.

dialogue. Some good stuff here, between Stephen and Cara early on. Believable mostly, though the whole scene in the boardroom felt like it came out of a movie rather than real life - again, Palmer just seemed too nasty to be believable, and Richard too naive to be there.

Originality - don't know, mostly because reading to ch4 hasn't given me enough to see what this is. Crime/thriller with eco overtones perhaps?

Publishability - I think it has potential and would be worth polishing.

Chris.

seven stars for this, i have rated it.

Isoje David

Animals in Paradise

I am awfully afraid, as I commence this review that I may not be the best for that task as so much of the book deals with locales and terminology with which I am not familiar. Even everyday expressions are utterly foreign as I navigate and yet as I see Palmer, who is less upset having caused Jonie's death as he is with his own loss of mobility, I recognize an almost universal type of person who has still not learned that it is better to impress clients with yourself than to rely on the impression offered by your car.

I do believe that here you have artfully cast Cara, Jonie, Tariq, (interesting name that I know only as Egyptian) and Palmer to the point in chapter 6 where I am reading now, although I have not felt that same accuracy in the tension surrounding this seemingly 'random' death of Jonie. I think that you have to let us into Palmer's head earlier. Oblique shifts in POV are startling until the reader get into the chapters.

On the whole, I believe that 'Revolution Earth' may do better with readers familiar with British and British Empire readers as the action shifts to the southern hemisphere from the streets of Britain.

So, why am I backing the book. Well...it is well written and the story intricately crafted. I also see that you are listed as incomplete, with the 15 chapters posted. 100,000 words? That is just inside where I would expect this story to fall in length given the complexity of the pitch and so the finished work will encompass 300+ pages. I am thinking that another 100 pages or so wouldn't kill me and might give you an opportunity to 'paint in' more of the scenery. This is something that you have already started and that works but we need more. (What does the street smell like to Jonie just before the freight train of her life's memories recedes into the darkness? Tell me about Palmer's Benz. Is it waxed? Is there 'Armor All' on the wheel making it slippery? etc.) I personally, like that background feeling as though I am present as a voyeur as the action takes place, feeling the tactile chthonic shifts just as the characters do. So. put me in these scenes, Lambert. Make me a part of the story as you breathe life into this plot and these people.

Thanks for letting me read. 5 stars for now.

G’day, dear friend.

On 27/APR/12, I opened a new Forum top: DOWN-UNDER WRITERS OF DISTINCTION.

I said in the very first posting:

“I've so far found one other Australian writer here in Anthonomy (and living in Brisbane like me too).
No doubt there a lot more of them; and if they would like to say: "G'day! Howyergoin.." They will be most welcome here.

I am pleased to say that this topic was very well received from Day 1. Since then, with the help of some keen members, we have been able to produce a list (Including Aussies and Kiwis) of 25 DOWN UNDER writers. And to date we have clocked 6,366 views and 350 replies.

Now that’s an excellent start. But just getting to know one-another is but the beginning.

What I’m really aiming for, is for all us DOWN-UNDER members to do what we can to help each other – knowing, that from beginners to existing successful authors, we all need a bit of support, a bit help, a bit of encouragement, now-and-again.

May I ask you please to do something for me?

First, I’d like you to confirm that you are happy (or not – shudder...)to be listed in DOWN-UNDER MEMBERS OF DISTINCTION.

Second, I’d like you to tell us if you think we are moving in the right direction?

Third: Should you happen to have a space on your book shelf, to take at look at our DOWN-UNDER writers first, before going elsewhere.

Thank you, mate!

I shall be most pleased to see your reply.

Cheers!

KEN BLOWERS

Oh... And may I invite you, and your readers
and supporters, to take a look at my books:
6 books of short stories, and 5 books of one-act plays.
Plus QUOTE ME - a book of 1,000 daily quotations
ttp://www.authonomy.com/writing-community/profile/me/
Plus my hot topic: DOWN-UNDER WRITERS OF DISTINCTION
http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/92659/downunder-writers-of-distinction-/
PS
The difference between a writer and a successful writer
is an ample tonic of support plus a good dose of publicity...

Chapter 6...What a beautiful picture you paint with your words. I would point out the ones I am talking about, but that would take a page! Time and again I will read a paragraph and think how lovely it is that you can so skillfully knit simple words into such vivid scenes. It's certainly a gift.

I am not a good reviewer - all I know is I can read something and get a feeling that makes me think - yes, this is a home-run. I think you've got a winner on your hands here.:) Ruby (p.s. I need a George in my life) xoxo

Hi, this is a (short, sorry) BHG crit.

Pitches - Good pitches, well written and very tempting.

Plot – A good one. Moves around the world, promising lots of action.

Writing (sentence level) – Very accomplished writing. Spare, not a wasted or unnecessary word. Completed to a high standard which is obvious from the first paragraph onward.

I liked the start – I’m a bit of a sucker for reflective prose, but.. it had something lurking behind it. Then we start with a speedy ride through Soho, and then the sickening accident. This typifies the book for me – that switch and combnation of the poetic and the gritty. I like that. The one highlights the other, and it also shows the ‘two sides of a coin’ that life often is.

I liked the fact the sections didn’t go on forever. Liked the terse headings of location and the immnediate dive in to the new situation. It’s a full on read that you need your attention for, but that’s ok, because it’s a pleasure.

Characterisation – From ‘pencil sketch’ to long standing character, these are well drawn and individual.

Dialogue – unstudied, natural, conveying character and story with no info-dump or self-consciousness.

Chapter 4 I’m up to now, and the writing here is excellent, as was the one before in fact. So much happening, a lot of subtext, but all handled so well, nothing overdone. The accident, just a tap on the accelerator and….. the grief of Cara in the next chapter.

I don’t have anything particular to pull out of this crit. No sage advice, no list of typos or errors to highlight. I think it’s a very impressive read, surely as close to being ready for submission as anything. So now I shall just star it, watchlist it and shelve it when a space comes up.

Can’t say fairer than that.

Cariad.

Hi, there – this is your BHCG review from AudreyB. As you may know, I am accompanied on my reviews by my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag. Whatever you don’t agree with was likely her doing.

Plot – opening, narrative flow/momentum
I love the imagery of the prologue, and appreciate how it has me looking for further signs of how we humans have left our mark on the earth—how far we’ve walked. Interesting device.

The scene with Tariq—a man from a relatively primitive background who has been damaged in the city—further emphasizes the question asked in the prologue. People are desperate to reach civilization, yet those living in it become damaged. His very real pain at hearing one of his riders is down links these ideas effectively.

I’m struggling at the start of ch. 3. I can’t seem to connect the woman’s daydreaming and the dialog and the man’s presentation. It helped me tremendously when I realized that Richard and Palmer were two men, not one. (I don’t have the benefit of automatically knowing what all the school ties signify, though I have a pretty good idea.) I am suitably shocked when he strikes the traffic warden, though it seems odd that he has an unpracticed swing. I would have thought he’d strike with more precision, and of course now I know he’s going to run Jonie down. I hope the complexity of the accident (him punching the woman, then Jonie gouging his paint job, then him finding her and hitting her) will prove to have some purpose, otherwise it’s too darn involved.

Characters/Characterization
I’m a middle-aged conservative Christian woman who adores food, so Cara comes across as a bit comical to me, munching her food as mere fuel and spouting naïve pronouncements on those who earn a living. The cigarette was the icing on the cake for me, as it fits with my experience of the holier-than-thou. When Stephen considers her accent I also get the impression there’s something artificial about her beliefs. OK! Enough politics from me; that’s not what you’re here for. Unless you intended me to find her naïve or artificial, in which case, way to go!!

On the other hand, Cara’s concern for the earth does connect the reader to the prologue, particularly with the focus on petroleum products.

Tariq intrigues me and comes across as far more authentic than Cara. He clearly wants to help his family but isn’t sure coming to London is the best way to help. He cares for his workers to the point that he feeds them lentils—I wondered how long we humans have been eating lentils, and sure enough my research tells me it was one of the earliest domesticated crops. An elegant and meaningful touch.

Point of View/Voice
Worked for me. If you are headed where I think you are headed, the multiple points of view will help craft a much more meaningful story.

Style – very subjective but good to know if it works or not for the reader
Your style is quite literary which definitely works for me; your writing is dense enough to slow me down so that I can savor the words, the characters, and the setting.

Sentence level – grammar, repetitive structure, wordiness, unneeded phrases etc
It’s not often that I read a manuscript whose writer appears to have carefully chosen his words. Your diction is marvelous. Using tungsten for the color of the sky suggests not only how hot the day, but how far this culture is from melting tungsten.

Your writing also has cadence and rhythm (stolen from your own words) that makes this book a pleasure to read.

A phrase that didn’t work for me: “…gluing her tawny hair to the ground of which, scant seconds ago, she was the speeding queen.” What about, “..gluing her tawny hair to the ground which, scant seconds ago, she sped across so confidently.” Though you would choose a better word. What about, “she sped across with confidence.” But it may well be me.

I like the way you link the filthy window with Tariq’s inability to use a more earth-friendly bulb.

You’ve got peddling where you want pedaling.

Dialogue
Very well done. I believe the conversation Cara has with Stephen and fully believe their growing curiosity about one another.

Other reviewers have already noted your tendency to have Stephen talk and then move directly to Cara’s thought/actions or vice/versa. I’m imagine that’s already repaired in the copy on your computer.

The dialog at the top of Chapter 3 is a bit muddled for me.

Originality
I have no idea how original this is. On the other hand, I can say with confidence that it is timely, which is probably more important.

Publishability
I think yes.

All the best to you,
~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

REVOLUTION EARTH

I’ve read the complete upload and would definitely have wanted to read on, had there been more.
What this book seems to be about is in the title; everything done in one part of the world will have an effect on another.

I like the way you’ve painted the characters of Jonie (what we learn about her after her death) and Carla, what they stand for and the dismissive way other people feel about their viewpoints. I’m with Carla in her need to ‘find’ Jonie by going to the places she went to; discovering her through her past. I thought it really poignant that just before she was killed, Jonie was thinking about her red dress – it seemed to symbolise the potential for life, for fun, that was being snuffed out by one selfish man’s act of petulant revenge.

Also, the last of her energy keeping the wheel turning, which Carla then seems to take up in her own quest to bring the revolution full-turn.

Stephen and Tariq are a pair of interesting characters. We learn a bit about Tariq’s background and motivation, but Stephen seems to be a blank slate. We don’t really know anything about him apart from the fact he fancies Carla. But from the brief sketching of any interaction between Stephen and Carla, I never really got a sense of them, whereas I get a real sense of the genuine feelings between Tariq and Carla.

There are lots of characters and motivations to digest: the ‘hippies’ – what’s going on there? I was intrigued by the fact they seemed to have gone out and ‘found’ Jonie, whereas Carla came to them voluntarily. Horrible Greg Palmer and Ginny. Richard. A great big melting pot of a plot.

I would never have known this was written by two different writers, cleverly done. The only thing I found a bit jarring from time to time was the ‘in chapter’ jumps in POV without any defined separation.

There are so many threads going on up to the point the upload on autho. ends, I would really like to read more to find out how it all ties together. Thanks for a great read.

Tracey

Another BHCG review. Alison, this is a book with a theme dear to my heart, so if these criticisms seem harsh it's because I truly want to see this book taken up by an editor and promoted internationally. However, at the moment, it just does not have that unique sparkle it needs to get there.
Your writing is uneven - in places, observant and fresh, but too often uninspired and 'worthy', not gripping. Your characters come to life in random sentences but also struggle with stereotyping, especially Cara.
Here are some notes:
Sorry - the prologue put me right off. It was too generic and portentous in tone. Made me feel I was being preached at, rather than let into a deep secret. Does not link to cha 1-15 at all.

ch 1: Jonie weaves through traffic like a movie extra threads through jungle' - had to stop and think about this. Is 'threads' a misprint for 'treads'? How does a movie extra tread or thread through a jungle? Is that a literal jungle or the jungle of Hollywood? And isn't Jonie rather an expert cyclist? A movie extra would probably be stumbling and looking terrified, unlike her? This simile completely threw me; I stopped concentrating on the story and character.
Similar effect of the bodhishattva metaphor - too distracting to be helpful, I had to stop and have a think about how this oxymoron applied to her, meanwhile forgot what she was doing.
The sentence that begins 'Sinuous tracks....' does not work for me, it's too convoluted when it should pack a punch. It might be better to say 'The sinuous tracks...' so we know for sure they are the subject of the verb 'disappear'.
I like 'The last of her energy spins the wheel'
The three paragraphs with the snapshots of the observers give us too much information. At this moment of crisis, we don't need to know all these superfluous facts about all these strangers. The focus needs to be on Jonie, who we've only just met - is she dead? Is she conscious of the observers? Their reactions might be better revealed in some shocked, fragmented dialogue. We just can't follow all these other stories right now.
Stephen - do we need to know all about his Irish roots, his mother and her synchronised swimming at this stage? I want to know what the story is - I've lost Jonie, so am looking for someone else to get interested in. Do you want me to follow Stephen now? Or Cara, who is so ideologically correct she is a turn-off, in spite of her perky body etc. At this point I am wondering, if this was a film, how could all this be done in just a couple of lines of dialogue, not a lecture?
'spiky' not 'spikey'
If Stephen is wearing a helmet, would she really be able to see his red gold hair with the Celtic heritage?
'A promo on ecological righteousness' - exactly, and irritating as hell. Why do we need this ,when even she admits it's a lecture?
like 'the joyless munching of people for whom food is fuel' - are we supposed to think Cara is joyless?
ch 5: 'Cara was self-righteously pleased that he rolled his own' - are we really meant to dislike her as heartily as the omniscient narrator seems to? This could be a chance to give us one of her engaging weaknesses - 'Cara gave him a cheeky wink as he got out his tobacco to roll a fag - tobacco was, after all , a gift of nature' - might make me feel she has a sense of humour and is only human.
Ch 6: like your descriptions of the North Island landscapes, the whales breaching 'with a spray like miniature galaxies'
Ch 7: 'cripples don't want to pee too often - nice observation. Uncomfortable with the dialogue in this scene - it creaks the plot along, just about, but never comes to life.
Ch 8: watch out for a few dropped quotation marks at end of speech.
ch 12: the raid on the battery farm - the story needs more hard-hitting detail like this to lift it above the 'usual green banter' - specifics, not generic environmental vagueness.:
Your central idea is great - an envronmental thriller, with romantic interest - but it needs wittier, sparer dialogue, deeper insight into the main characters, more humour, and more hard-hitting detail. A lot to ask! But hope this criticism will enable you to get to better and better drafts. It took me fifteen years to write 'Dollywagglers' and I am still rewriting. Best of luck - Frances.

YARG REVIEW

I think what you've attempted is ambitious. I like the opening. It feels literary and this is welcome when the reader knows a thriller is what is in store. I also like the next section with a variety of characters lending breadth and atmosphere to the background scene. You pick up pace in later chapters and the dilemmas are well drawn. I was not sure about the change in pov between Palmer and Jonie, I am not sure now that it works. However, it's a good dramatic set of events and the characters are mainly convincing in their reactions.
Overall, well written and with confidence. Just be careful with pov so that the reader stays really where you want him. Lara
A RELATIVE LOSS

REVOLUTION EARTH
This is a story with a dramatic beginning: a girl on a bicycle killed by a Mercedes. I like the way you then switch to a light hearted chapter to introduce Carey. She’s very likable because of her many opinions. Then we’re back again to the accident and realize Jonie was Cara’s friend. Nice contrast in tone. You have a second good character in Stephen. He’s a good contrast to Carey; much more stable. I also like the way you freeze scenes in time so you can describe small details about them; a less talented writer would bog down his story with those; you use the technique to make the street and the shops and everything going on seem real. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

REVOLUTION EARTH
This is a story with a dramatic beginning: a girl on a bicycle killed by a Mercedes. I like the way you then switch to a light hearted chapter to introduce Carey. She’s very likable because of her many opinions. Then we’re back again to the accident and realize Jonie was Cara’s friend. Nice contrast in tone. You have a second good character in Stephen. He’s a good contrast to Carey; much more stable. I also like the way you freeze scenes in time so you can describe small details about them; a less talented writer would bog down his story with those; you use the technique to make the street and the shops and everything going on seem real. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

REVOLUTION EARTH
This is a story with a dramatic beginning: a girl on a bicycle killed by a Mercedes. I like the way you then switch to a light hearted chapter to introduce Carey. She’s very likable because of her many opinions. Then we’re back again to the accident and realize Jonie was Cara’s friend. Nice contrast in tone. You have a second good character in Stephen. He’s a good contrast to Carey; much more stable. I also like the way you freeze scenes in time so you can describe small details about them; a less talented writer would bog down his story with those; you use the technique to make the street and the shops and everything going on seem real. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Revolution Earth - A Phoenix Literary Club review

I have read the first five chapters and this is a summary of my thoughts up to this point.

The prologue is well written and serves its purpose as a "teaser" but once I'd got well into the main narrative I found I'd forgotten it completely. I only remembered it when I went back to the beginning to check something, which makes me wonder if it serves any purpose.

I'm afraid I belong to the "choose a point of view and stick with it" school; so I tend to come down hard on "head hopping". In the scene in Chapter 1 with Cara and Stephen, I would prefer to stick with one PoV rather than comstantly jump back and forth between them like a tennis match. In the other chapters you mostly remain with one POV, only briefly going on an excursion to another character's head when the plot requires it, which is probably okay; but in the Cara-Stephen scene I found it particularly off putting.

I like the fact that some of the scenes are not in chronological order, especially that we go back to pick up Jonie before her accident: this is quite a daring thing to do and IMO you pull it off perfectly.

The characterisation: So far (five chapters in), Greg Palmer comes over as little more than a two-dimensional villain. You might get away with that in a straight-forward thriller, but in a novel labelled "Literary Fiction" even the villains need a redeeming side, or at least something that makes them three-dimensional. I am afraid that to me, Stephen appears to lack any real personality, too; he just kind of drifts in, says something pertinent to what's going on at that moment, and then drifts out again. I might have missed something, but considering (from reading your pitch) he is supposed to play a central role in the story, I think we need to get him a bit better established from the start. All the other characters are excellent.

Also, you clearly have an ecological message that you want to get over. Which is a fine and honourable thing to want to do, but please don't let it get in the way of the story. Most of your readers will be well aware that bicycles are better for the environment that gas-guzzling SUVs, so in a sense you are preaching to the converted and they might get iritated by being reminded about it all the time. People read a novel to be taken out of themselves, not for a lecture on the environment. There is a place for didactic literature, sure, but I think you have to be subtle. Having a character say "think of the greenhouse emissions from twenty two hours of 747 flight time" isn't realistic dialogue, to my mind.

Finally, I've only just discovered (from reading at your profile) that there are two of you. Believe me, I would never have guessed, because the authorial voice is so clear and consistent I was convinced that this novel had just a single author. So well done for that.

I hope you don't find my comments too negative. These are just the thoughts of one reader on a wet Saturday afternoon, and someone else would probably come to completely different conclusions. On the whole, I have to say I found more to like about "Revolution Earth" than to dislike. Good luck with it.

Best wishes and good writing, John.

Revolution Earth. A Phoenix LC continued read.

Ch.11. New Zealand again - goody!
That sentence 'he seemed to be keen to find out where he was going.' Would help if you said where Stephen was going.
Have I gone to sleep without realising it, or have you missed something out? I thought Waleed was merely a cab driver. Yet Stephen has a meal at his home, and ends up sleeping in the children's bedroom.
But the watcher in the street is an excellent hook.

Ch.12. 'The night wrapped itself round them ... scraps of starlight flickering in and out of existence.' Your descriptions are superb.
You're good at creating atmosphere and suspense, too. That scene with the chickens is vivid and dramatic. There's a moral in it somewhere.

Ch.13. I can see I should have read this book non-stop in one go. Ginny is confusing me again. But your green theme is coming through nice and clear, which is all that matters.

Ch.14. The threads are beginning to converge now, and in retrospect, I have a glimmer of understanding about the previous chapter. Forgive me. This is a congoluted plot, but well-constructed. It's just my brain which has gone to sleep.

Ch.15. Love that bit about Cara spotting Short Man Sundrome.
If anything, I think your scenes and chapters could do with being longer. The reader is just beginning to warm to and identify with a person and scene, when we're whisked off to somewhere else. But I know you have many threads to weave together.
The different boats sitting on, or in the water - I hadnt thought about it that way. Brilliant. I'm with Cara, exhilarated in the wind, but I prefer a sailing dinghy.
That's a very strong ending. More brilliance!

I want to read more! There are amny layers to your story, and you write well. Perhaps a bit more filling out, and slowing of the pace to accomodate slow-minded readers such as I?

Thankyou for your support of mine.

Jane (Breath of Africa).

The collaboration works. This is a beautifully written book. I imagine that collaborating produces a better product, but thinking about how difficult it might be baffles me. I did collaborate on a history book once, but found working with the other writer to be trying. Well, no matter. This is a good one. If you wouldn't mind sending me the manuscript, I would love to read all of it. Michael Arkin. markin2500 at aol dot com

Hi, this is a BHCG review.

You pull off a really fine trick in the first chapter, lulling me with some really pretty writing and then, just as I was starting to wonder where it was going, waking me up with a car accident. Perfectly timed, in my opinion. The second chapter is just as confident, introducing characters that appear strongly formed without the need of lots of detail and description that would detract from the overall feel. The writing kind of marches on and just sweeps the reader along with it. It takes no effort to read. Very polished, very professional.

This is a very polished manuscript. The writing is of a very high standard. I found no hiccups, clumsy phrases of poorly constructed sentences. It doesn't read like a collaboration, it feels like a solid and consistent whole, which seems to me like it would take some real effort on behalf the authors, so well done for that.

I have nothing negative to say about this book at all. Strong, confident and really, really good. The only criticism I have of the overall package is the use of 'or is it?' in the strap-line. Seems a bit weaker than everything else, and not quite in flavour with the rest of the writing. But that is a pretty minor criticism.

Hi,
This is a PLC review of Chapter One. From the beginning, it is obvious you are a very talented writer. I usually don't care for a lot of detail, but your pace moves at such a nice clip that it did not seem to bog me down too much. I didn't see the meaning behind the Prelude - perhaps this comes into play later?

As I read this first chapter, I was a bit confused as to who the narration was referring to, wondering if it might be a good idea to identify the rider a litle bit earlier? I think that would aid in increasing the reader's emotional interest in the character. The sentence that described her death seemed to be missing a word (possibly after open) or change 'flattens' to 'flattening'. Your writing is a thing of beauty. It is a little-drawn out in some areas, and imo, is slowed down by too much writing during the exchanges between the girl and policeman, but that is just my take on it. I wish I had your ability to flesh out a story so effortlessly. Please tell me you slaved over this for hours on end to produce such masterful sentences! Look forward to reading more, Ruby

Revolution Earth. A Phoenix LF read. I've been looking forward to coming back to your book, and will carry on where I left off over two months ago.

Ch.6. But first, I'll catch up from where I left off. You capture the New Zealand scene beautifully with your descriptive passages. 'A vast harbour dotted with islands ... another like a rough field snatched up by a giant from the South Downs and dropped carelessly in the water ... another ... you could smell before you saw it ...'
Sorry, cant help picking nits. You want to search out and eliminate unnecessary / vague words to make your story flow even better: obviously, actually, began ot, just.
Barb sure lives up to her name. The icy disapproval, like a slap of freezing sleet, is well portrayed.
I dont know where Cara slept the night, and am confused - until the very end of the chapter, when I gather it was in a tent.

Ch.7. Another nit: " 'Cheers,' Stephen said, stalling for time. He licked away the foaming moustache..." would be less confusing for the reader.
You're slipping between Stephen's and Tariq's viewpoints, too, which makes it even more unsettling.
Your dialogue rattles along naturally, though, and I'm there evesdropping, too.

Ch.8. Ah! Back in New Zealand.
Her bare feet seeming to take root as she stood - what a wonderful portrait of the Maori woman.
The plot is not advanced here, but a bit more backstory is revealed in homely fashion, and the family cameraderie is well portrayed.

Ch.9. I discern an inkling of intrigued and movement in the plot - but then you repeat yourself about Cara having Jonie's old cabin, and onwards. This chapter needs sorting out!

Ch.10. The pace quickens as we return to Steve and Tariq in London, but viewpoints also rapidly change, and the mysterious Penny keeps creeping in. I cant remember her. I know it's ages since I started your book, but maybe a judicious hint about her could jog a poor reader's memory?

I'll be back...!
Jane (Breath of Africa).

PLC Review:

Pitch

I have no idea why target is mentioned – I don’t think it is clear what the line with it in implies.

Prelude

I like your prelude very much. I did wonder though if gods was the right word and not spirits?

I read up to chapter 4

--- I think you might need to break to a new paragraph after ‘jouncing’ – you’ve gone I think from present tense to second voice.

I find your choice of narrator interesting. Certainly omniscient, at times distant to the action, yet other times it pulls the reader close to the action especially in your opening scenes. I thought you captured and nicely contrasted NT to Soho. The narrative comes across to me as very natural as does the dialogue.

I don’t have anything negative to say about this. It is well written, although I did wonder about the pacing, which is slowed down by the different povs reflecting on the accident.

This is a great book, written well with great descriptions. My favourite being the bit about the veggie - sorry vegan sandwich , in chapter one, and then lighting the cigarette, it was very well written.
Enjoyable read. Highly starred.
Junetee(Four Corners)

You are such an accomplished writer - the book reads like a published novel.
I can picture every scene and love some of your descriptions. I find the multiple POV works well, though I know that some readers find it distracting. I think you manage it brilliantly, as only some writers can do.
I am intrigued enough to want to read more but thought I would write a review of what I feel so far.
Well done - I hope you do well on here.
Best,
Melissa,
Lessons in the Dark

I've always wondered what kind of black magic goes into a successful collaboration, and I think you've discovered the formula.

I've read Chapter 1 and 2. Wonderful stuff. I agree with another reviewer who commented on how "purposeful" the writing is. Just like the character stamping his foot in the prelude--the writing is strong, deliberate, and meaningful.

You have an enviable ability in portraying high action, and I was right there in the biking scenes, taken back almost 30 years to my first viewing of the movie "Quicksilver". The eventual hit and run similarly blindsides the reader. Excellent job there.

Loved several descriptions, among them:

"tendon-taught memories"
"the joyless munching of people for whom food is fuel"
the church "ruddy with summer health"

You take bold control of the omniscient POV, which can be hard to do. I did wonder why after so many eye witness accounts to the accident, so little was conveyed about the Mercedes that hit Jonie? Could be that the car sped off too quick, but the reader doesn't witness much curiosity in those that have witnessed the "accident".

All in all, I read these chapters with a frown of begrudging approval. When you're good, you're good. Made me re-look at your profile. Highly starred and will back it soon.

I couldn't sleep, so I thought I'd do something on the computer, tire myself out, then go back and get a good rest. But after reading your first chapter I've defeated my purpose, because that was one high octane read. Jonie's ride through Soho then the accident, the different perspectives and lastly the discovery of her death by her friends. You kept the story at a really good pace, not allowing for any boring moments, which I appreciated. I also liked how you did the multiple perspectives, with all the passerby's different reactions, and adding that after a week they will have moved on, forgotten. Well, maybe not for the guy who hit her, but I'll have to see about him in the following chapters. Another good thing was your sentences flowed nicely, with good description of the area, and I didn't notice any typos. A very good start. All the best, Marita.

I’m up to CH 5, and I’m enjoying it. The dense description/narration is perhaps unusual for a thriller, but unusual doesn’t mean wrong. Reading would become tedious if everyone’s style was the same.

I’ve noticed that some reviewers don’t relate to the Prelude. I love it. For me, it says that this situation is a core element of the story, and I’m wondering whether it’s suffering from the fact that it’s hard to assess when we only read a very small section of the whole. (Or maybe it’s an Australian thing!) To a certain extent, perhaps the same thing applies to the description of the accident. The fact that it’s ‘told’ (extremely well) rather than ‘shown’ works for me. This is the catalyst for the story, not the story itself.

Multiple POVs also work for me (mine’s the same) but it’s worth checking that the POV is crystal clear throughout. There were also a couple of places where it’s not clear who’s speaking. The first is the earliest conversation between Cara and Stephen, and second is in the presentation in CH 3. You need a para break after ‘Call the help desk Rich,’ she said quietly.’ The mix of characters – corporate vs streetwise, you might say – promises to give the future conflict an extra level.

Picked up a few small things at sentence level:
CH 2 – ‘His thighs tensed in turn in identification’. I know what it means, but it seems clumsy.
‘The phantom of muscular exertion still exerted...’
CH 3 – ‘It didn’t matter much what an oil painting was of, or even if it was any good, that mattered in the end’
‘Richard looked round the room in disarray’ Is the room in disarray?
‘Palmer’s eyebrows raised.’ Rose not raised?
‘Or could she?’ I assume this refers back to ‘Later Ginny would...’, so probably should be ‘Or would she?’

You obviously have an impressive master of style, language and technique. Good luck with the book. Highly rated.

Helen Meikle
Six Weeks in Summer.

"Revolution Earth" - Lambert Nagle. I read the 1st 2 chapters and scanned several comments. You have an interesting story line - revenge for a murder - presumably to stop delivery of some damaging information. Some thoughts: I agree with others - delete the prologue; I'm not sure the backwards time cycle works - it forces the reader to remember what happened before - you want the reader to keep reading not give him/her a reason to drop it; for action scenes you need short paragraphs and short sentences with action verbs - long descriptions dull the impact; you may be developing/describing secondary characters too soon or too much - ex: is Tariq a MC or MC helper or simply the boss of the delivery service? Hope this helps.

Gideon ("Thrill Writer's Remorse")

A return read: I looked at your first 7 chapters uploaded and I'm in two minds.
You can clearly write - there are some really great sections and descriptions. However, your omniscient POV is very off-putting. I think what happens is that you jump around from person to person too quickly and don't develop enough depth to the characters. The chapter where you're in the meeting with Rich, Ginny and Palmer is a prime example of where your writing goes wrong. I was totally confused as to who was saying what, who was thinking what, and what exactly was going on. I don't know if it's because you, personally, have such a clear idea of every character's thoughts and don't realise that you're darting around so much...whatever it is, it doesn't work. I experienced the same issue in chapter 7 where you dart from Tariq to Stephen to Ginny to Rich at dizzying speed. You're trying to give me 4 different POV and I end up with no clear idea as to what's going on.

In places, the descriptions are overwritten and I had to look up 2 words from your opening chapter alone. I'm well educated and I never have to look up words in novels. Do you really want to put off an average reader that quickly?

But, saying all that, I kept reading on beyond my usual 2 or 3 chapters so you must be doing something right. You have a great style; you just need to work on the execution a bit more to make the story clearer and the characters stand out as individuals. Best of luck with this.

I can appreciate the eco feel of the prelude, how in opposition it is to the bustling streets of London that you then switch to. If the story is about the Big Oil company and Cara taking up Jonie's fight to save the planet, I can see the reason for the contrast and why the man in the prelude notices the change in the land he knows so well. If the story is more about Cara and her personal desire to see Greg brought to justice for causing Jonie's death then I'm not as convinced about why it's there, perhaps the endless friction of the world is telling me Cara's struggle will be fruitless and nothing we do leaves a permanent mark.

I like the backwards roll in time through the first three chapters, the crash viewed through different perspectives., building the picture.

I've only read four chapters, so far, but as I progressed through them I found the story took on more grit, it became less about the prose and the imagery and more about the events.

The POV doesn't seem to settle, I'm not sure if that is because you intended a type of omniscient perspective, it does work but I'll be interested to see if, as the story progresses, it concentrates more, bringing the reader in to closer connection with one of the characters. That seemed to be happening more in chapter four, drawing me further into Cara.

You have talent and skill, that is obvious from what I've read. The pitch promises hooks that would get me into the story and keep me reading. I see hints of it so far. The countries that will provide the backdrops promise a mix of exotic, urban and raw settings so I'd like to see how the plot develops against them and how the tension of a thriller competes against the creation of those settings.

I too read the first chapter and agree with Mark. The description of the people around the biker is very well done. I was also confused in the long pitch. The dead girl's soulmate. Are they a couple?Perhaps it is just me but when I think of soulmate it generally refers to a man/woman. I really like the concept of the story and with some tweeking I believe this could gain popularity on the site.
Best of luck
RED

So far I've read two chapters. Overall, this seems like an exciting, unique story.

I'm not sure the prologue really added anything to the story, the writing style in it was overly superfluous and made my attention drift even though it was short. You might want to consider making it more relevant or leaving it out all together.

The first chapter was a little heavy in terms of descriptive passages so it didn't give the opening a sense of pace or immediacy, which from the synopsis I expected this story to have. Things pick up considerably in the second chapter and I like the addition of details such as what was playing on the television, it helps set the scene and give your story context.

I will definitely read more as I'm intrigued by the premise of this story, and as it is jointly written by two authors, expect great things. I will add to my Watch List and when I've more time, I'll come read more, will also add to bookshelf.

Hello
Ok as promised here are my thoughts. Take em or leave em- everyone else does.

Chapter 1. I loved the forward and back in time use of the two characters that is good for readers. It makes it enjoyable. The entry story line is good and engaging.

Typos. Not many and you are writing very well with a good use of vocab. Very refreshing on this site. Should mustachios be singular? Unless he had multiple moustaches.

Negatives. – Sorry. I hated this first chapter overall. The prologue was odd and unhelpful. The first sentence translates as a big-metallic-grey blue sky. Maybe, ‘immense, tungsten blue’; as in immense and tungsten blue. Over all there is a massive over use of adjectives that make no sense. Her blood was ruby (bright red) and dark red – which? Colourless oily dust – not possible. Poise of a Bidhisattva raised on adrenaline and rock and roll, - meaningless and contradictory.

Really hated the conversation with the PC which to me was totally unreal.

I would start the chapter at paragraph 3 and tone it down.

Chapter 2. Loved it! Great character development, really got me hooked and I totally have a picture of the office and him. Maybe merge with chapter one cut down? Maybe not.

Chapter 3. OK. Great Characters. However, too much tell and not enough show for my liking. The dialogue needs to back up the great long dumps made on the reader of what the narrator reads into tiny snippets of speech. It certainly was not there for the reader to deduce. Also the physical descriptions of the accident etc where confused – I still can’t picture it.

I really loved the story line.

Chapter 4. Confused POV ‘she loved me’ 3rd person has slipped into 1st person. Otherwise some good story development. Not sure about the flash back to a previous conversation.

I am really impressed with your use of vocab and grammatically flawless writing. This makes me want to read more.

Hello
Ok as promised here are my thoughts. Take em or leave em- everyone else does.

Chapter 1. I loved the forward and back in time use of the two characters that is good for readers. It makes it enjoyable. The entry story line is good and engaging.

Typos. Not many and you are writing very well with a good use of vocab. Very refreshing on this site. Should mustachios be singular? Unless he had multiple moustaches.

Negatives. – Sorry. I hated this first chapter overall. The prologue was odd and unhelpful. The first sentence translates as a big-metallic-grey blue sky. Maybe, ‘immense, tungsten blue’; as in immense and tungsten blue. Over all there is a massive over use of adjectives that make no sense. Her blood was ruby (bright red) and dark red – which? Colourless oily dust – not possible. Poise of a Budhisattva raised on adrenaline and rock and roll, - meaningless and contradictory.

Really hated the conversation with the PC, which to me was totally unreal.

I would start the chapter at paragraph 3 and tone it down.

Chapter 2. Loved it!

Great character development, really got me hooked and I totally have a picture of the office and him. Maybe merge with chapter one cut down? Maybe not.

Chapter 3. OK. Great Characters.

However, too much tell and not enough show for my liking. The dialogue needs to back up the great long dumps made on the reader of what the narrator reads into tiny snippets of speech. It certainly was not there for the reader to deduce. Also the physical descriptions of the accident etc where confused – I still can’t picture it.

I really loved the story line.

Chapter 4. Confused POV ‘she loved me’ 3rd person has slipped into 1st person. Otherwise some good story development. Not sure about the flash back to a previous conversation.

I am really impressed with your use of vocab and grammatically flawless writing. This makes me want to read more.

Hello
Ok as promised here are my thoughts. Take em or leave em- everyone else does.

Chapter 1. I loved the forward and back in time use of the two characters that is good for readers. It makes it enjoyable. The entry story line is good and engaging.

Typos. Not many and you are writing very well with a good use of vocab. Very refreshing on this site. Should mustachios be singular? Unless he had multiple moustaches.

Negatives. – Sorry. I hated this first chapter overall. The prologue was odd and unhelpful. The first sentence translates as a big-metallic-grey blue sky. Maybe, ‘immense, tungsten blue’; as in immense and tungsten blue. Over all there is a massive over use of adjectives that make no sense. Her blood was ruby (bright red) and dark red – which? Colourless oily dust – not possible. Poise of a Budhisattva raised on adrenaline and rock and roll, - meaningless and contradictory.

Really hated the conversation with the PC, which to me was totally unreal.

I would start the chapter at paragraph 3 and tone it down.

Chapter 2. Loved it!

Great character development, really got me hooked and I totally have a picture of the office and him. Maybe merge with chapter one cut down? Maybe not.

Chapter 3. OK. Great Characters.

However, too much tell and not enough show for my liking. The dialogue needs to back up the great long dumps made on the reader of what the narrator reads into tiny snippets of speech. It certainly was not there for the reader to deduce. Also the physical descriptions of the accident etc where confused – I still can’t picture it.

I really loved the story line.

Chapter 4. Confused POV ‘she loved me’ 3rd person has slipped into 1st person. Otherwise some good story development. Not sure about the flash back to a previous conversation.

I am really impressed with your use of vocab and grammatically flawless writing. This makes me want to read more.

Hi Alison
Revolution Earth -

As you already have a deal of detail relating to construct I shall endeavour to highlight a few observations upon the writng style.
Attention-grabing work coupled with enjoyable writing, containing real talent and concept. From a personal viewpoint I felt at times felt the surge of material and detail a little over-powering. I did find the repeated use of the sticcato sentences marginally hindered the smooth flow of the writing, and again this is a personal viewpoint.
Visually engaging.

Good luck with 'Revolution Earth'

best regards
Steve

A very modern thriller.

Hi Alison,
Got your note and I’ll try to help. Keep in mind that I’ll give it to you from the perspective of a reader. Okay?
Why do you have the “Prelude,” and what’s a prelude? Granted, it’s short but beside the string of adjectives it does nothing to me. First phrase, why use “immense”? Substitute anything for “sky” and see if you need it. Example, The “car” is “immense” tungsten blue. Doesn’t make sense. As for the rest, where you introduce your MC (or any character for that matter) it would give reader something to cheer for.
Ch 1. is all narrator’s voice but takes us into the POV of various people. Why?
Jonie starts as a narrator described character—but when you tell us about what she sees—it becomes her POV. Then back to narrator, as you describe what she doesn’t see. Easy to fix. Where you to say that she “probably” sees the VW, the Mazda…you solve that.
Once you have the nurse taking the pulse, even though she knows…you’re into her POV. To stay in narrator’s, you better say “even though she should know.” Same with the courier. “if he hears the mustache, it becomes his POV…but it’s alright to say “the only one who spears to hear him, or acts like he heard him,” and keep it in narrator’s POV.
Next. You into Cara, and once you say “it made her mad,” to took reader into her thought/feelings, and that’s a POV. “She acted upset,” keeps it neutral. Same with the copper, reader sees him through her eyes and in her head. Yet, you jump into Stephen’s POV when “for a moment he started to believe he wasn’t an ordinary PC.”
First page and you juggle between 3 POVs. Omniscient POV scared the bejeezus out of agents and publishers…as does the liberal use of adjectives. And, yes, I know it’s literary fiction.
So, I’ll stop calling these out and look at the story.
Overall, there is a good narrative flow, credible dialogue, and enough visuals. At times, you get into details “telling” reader what’s going through a character’s mind. I would try internal dialogue. Moves the story at a faster pace and let’s reader experience it from the character’s POV. For a first chapter, it moves too slow. It gives insight into Cara’s and Stephen’s characters , but what’s the plot? Reader picked up your “crime story” and expects something to happen, nut just idle romance.
Ch 2 does a good intro of Tariq, yet I’m still searching for the story/plot. I hope the last paragraph will materialize into something and the pace will pick up.
Ch 3. New characters.. At this point I don’t know who I’m supposed to follow, Cara, Stephen, Tariq, Ginny, Richard, Palmer, or the ones who’ll come next. As a reader I don’t have a grasp as to who is your MC.
At this point, I can’t draw a line between characters, I don’t know what I’m reading, and most important you’re losing my concentration. Were I to pick your book for the wordsmithing alone, I would probably go on—but I picked a crime novel and haven’t been hooked enough to go on. I’m sure there is a story in there, somewhere, but as a reader I don’t have the patience to go searching. In today’s overcrowded market you better hook the reader early and hold him captive, not with adjectives, but with a strong story line as well.
I’ve found beautifully written passages, detailed descriptions of mundane life, nicely drawn pictures, and correct dialogue, but after 3 chapters, not much of a story.
Sorry that I don’t give you more encouraging feedback. You have a talent for words, but you must decide to cut what doesn’t advances the story and give reader something beside words.

From your excellent pitch (and from the name of your detective...could he be a relative?) I have to admit - I was hooked by your novel. Its so hard to read a thriller nowadays without thinking, 'oh, thats just like...' but that wasn't the case with this read. What i've read so far is outstandingly original and totally gripping. I'll be back to finish this.

Well done.

Crime/Thriller and sub genre review group
Title: Revolution Earth
Author: Lambert Nagle

Wow Factor (Read Speed/Enjoyment)
[7] Speed
[9] Enjoyment
[8] Interest

Literacy (Editing/Proofing/Structure)
[9] Free of (obvious) Spelling Errors
[08] Free of (obvious) Contextual Grammar Errors (couple of missing commas)
[10] Free of Distracting Dialog

Story
[7] Coherent / Order
[8] Character/Subject Development

Marketing
[6] Cover Design
[7] Pitch – (I think you could sell this more)

TOTAL
[79/100]

There is some magnificent description in this opening chapter and you have chosen a really captivating narrative style. It seems like a form of third person omniscient narration but labels are not important – it works, that’s the important thing. One phrase that stood out ‘like a movie extra threads the jungle’ – this stood out because it didn’t seem to fit and work as an effective comparison; i get what you mean – a dispensable character in a film wary of the danger that only threatens them as they are not a main character – but I still think it doesn’t work. This opening chapter confirms you have a lot of talent but at times I think this talent has been allowed to roam a little too freely and a good editor will reign it in and hone it. This shouldn’t really concern you too much at the moment, in my opinion.
I like in the second chapter where you’ve used ‘green’ as a verb which momentarily confused me but the following sentence gives it context which shows you have a good feel for catering to the reader effectively.
The over-egging of your description and superfluous words seems to disappear in chapters two and three and the narrative benefits from this. This is really captivating stuff and I can see why it is ranked so highly. My only criticism would be that some readers might find the focus of the first two chapters – cycle couriers - doesn’t really tie in with the big idea of the title and the premise of the pitch. I wasn’t put off by this though. I was pulled in pretty quickly and I’m no bike fetishist.

Star rating: 5

Really good stuff, Lambert. Pacey and purposeful prose (the descriptive passages, when they come, have an engagingly restrained, subtle lyricism to them, just right for this type of novel) The dialogue feels real and adds tremendous energy to the scenes (good use of tag-free exchanges) The plot seems well thought-out and multi-faceted and, with its mix of intrigue, drama and social commentary, should appeal to a good cross section of readers. Best of luck with this. Thanks.

Lambert,
There are some seriously fine critiques here, below, so I will only add that I've picked up many books already in print by famous authors [!] that aren't as strong as this one. In the first couple of chapters you can tell if the book is going to hold up as a good read, and I'm pretty confident about this one.

I might suggest, however, that it's possible to overdo the writing features that are actually one of the strengths of the work. In the first chapter, as the bicyclist is wheeling along, there might be actually 'too many words,' i.e., too many images flying into the reader's face, a few of them a bit jarring. E.g., I don't think the bodhisattva metaphor works, for a fast tear through the city about to end in death.

But that's a small criticism for what is starting out as a strong book. If this were in print, I'd buy it. [Actually I should check Amazon in case it's there as a CreateSpace book].

Good luck going forward on Authonomy!
Carolyn
Mage at Midnight

Hello Lambert and Alison, this is an Official Thriller Group review. Unfortunately, I can't paste the score here so I'll send it in another message.
This is an excellant story. Full of description, action and emotion which moves along at an even pace. The characters are believable and so is the dialogue.
There were a few problems I found which might need changing - just my opinion.

In the pitches - the short pitch sounds more like a shot at Big Oil. I know the hit and run driver is from an oil company, but not all oil companies have hit and run drivers. Just saying. The long pitch wording is confusing - particularly the sentence - when the dead girls' lover Cara. It might be the title for the driver or something, but it made me stop and figure it out.

The other things I found was the word 'that'. It seems to be used too much. The other thing I noticed, and I don't have a problem with it sometimes, is the length of the sentences you used. They work well, but sometimes it feels like walking through Tesco's with a trolley full of groceries - without the trolley. Maybe as some one told me, just alternate the length of sentence once in a while. Anyway, these were the only nits I found. I'll post the score right away.
Rick - Jack, I Am.

Revolution Earth. As yet, I dont understand your title, but the pitches tell me that it is the type of book I like to read. They are to the point, and I have a feeling you're very practised in that field.
I tak notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert.

Ch.1. Prelude. Kakadu. That's a surprise, and an intriguing sense of mystery. Well written too.
I am no cyclist, but I can feel the pulse of her journey through Soho and if I werent past that age, I might be tempted to try - what is a bodhisattva? You need to check the grammar of the next sentence: I think you've left out a 'which'.
Perhaps you should check the paragraph breaks in the dialogue between Cara and Steve ... I'm getting lost as to who is doing the speaking.
'What's it to you anyway?'
Steve took a step back. God she was spikey!
Cara realised she'd been a bit harsh on the copper...'
You've switched POVs here, too, which might not be such a good idea.
What a fast-moving, well-written chapter. You have me hooked.

Ch.2. That second paragraph is one very long sentence.
A brilliant descritpion of Tariq's office, his way of working, and his passion for the bicycle. You certainly know your stuff.

Ch.3. A striking contrast in pace to the previous chapter, and a complete change of scene.
I had to read over the beginning bit to sort out who was who.
Then the pace quickens, and gallops ahead. Cleverly contrived. Two hits and runs in three chapters. Wow!

Ch.4. Aha - I've found a nit: 'We're even getting to the point where we can even feel sorry for you.'

Ch.5-6. I cant stop.
In Ch.6. first paragraph you confuse VPs slightly, drifting into authorial, which is disconcerting.
Then you capture the essence of the very different New Zealand setting.

I'm wondering where this story is going. But I cannot fault your style of writing and powers of description.

Thanks for the excellent read.
Watch listed and multi-starred.
Jane (Breath of Africa)

First chapter read. Seems like one hell of a puzzle is going to unfold. Ill be back for more!

Brilliant! Simply Brilliant!

Suspense, mystery and intrique are to be found beneath the flawless cover of this book! I felt very captivated througout, and would often find myself smiling to myself as I scrolled though.

There is no doubt a question of the realism, but it doesn't matter! People love star trek and thats about as realistic as an old sandwich! This is far more plausable, and I think treads the tightrope between ludicrous and rational very well, and this balance creates such a artfull and skilled tone to the entire piece.

I thought you structured discourse very well, and your use of adjectives was sublime and you constucted some rather poetic clauses! :)

Definitley one to watch, and will remember to comment when you post a new piece up!

Hi both,

Firstly, I thought it was going to be full on science fiction - I suppose an assumption from the title and cover.

I love the concept - I can see the reader is going to be looking for connections in seemingly unconnected scenarios and everyone loves figuring out a mystery.

I can also see what you're doing with your writing style. It's intelligent and rich. However, I would be careful of overdoing it. Sometimes less is more. I found myself re-reading sentences because they were so dense. And some words felt a little inaccessible. Anything that potentially disrupts the read is dangerous - no matter how good your story.

These are of course just my humble opinions, so feel free to ignore. I'm going to put you on my shelf - hopefully more people will read and comment and you can get a good judge of feelings.

Good luck!
Diana
Pascual's Birthday

Hello,
Chap 1-3.
The start feels like a deck of cards, held at an acute angle, slotting down onto a table with a satisfactory thunk.
I'm gald I'm reviewing this now instead of the crime/thriller forum (if it gets off the ground) so I can be more effusive. What a rollicking, sweeping narrative! Superb writing delivering detail and character at breakneck pace.
It manages to convey the energy of London, with its 'permanently greasy roads', and the characters at just the right pitch. Too often these stories are ruined by 2D characters that are introduced in a rush and come across sloppy.
The only thing I didn't like before readingthe story was the title. It sounds grandiose. But I can see the confidence in the narrative to carry such a sweeping idea.
Thank you for a fantastic read!
Highly starred and on WL.
John
Dropping Babies.

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A gripping start. Cara is a fiesty, unique character and I care about her. Lovely lyrical narrative. Evocative descriptions. Strong sense of place. Well-managed tension. Compelling pace.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) 'Soho, London, 2.45pm Tuesday' '2.45pm' should be '2.45 p.m.'
2) 'A kind of meditation undertaken at 25 miles per hour down the cluttered streets ... ' Spell out numbers 1-99. There is another case in this chapter where you should spell out the number.
3) Hyphenate 'white faced.'
4) ' ... and you're going to light up a cancer stick?,' Remove the comma at the end of this sentence.
5) ' ... the day I hear one Californian has given up petrol,' Replace the comma with a period.
6) 'Yeah I know, Carlton, on it mate.' Comma after 'it.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma.

I hope these comments help you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Oak" and let me know what you think?

Have a marvelous day.

Al

excellent. read more chapters today. Alison, this is a great read. A tight plot along with really well-written characters. Nothing to add, really, except that I love this.
Sheila