The Flag

A good story you raised awareness to a supressed topic here. Weldone.

I like the dramatic opening. This has the feel of an allegory, and sometimes of a dream, and yet the world of beggars feels very real as well, as do the hardships of this main character. There are many little turns of phrase that are simply lovely. You have a unique voice. The language is poetic, even with the occasional need of some editing, or fewer fragments. Please keep at this. People may turn their noses up at something not in standard prose, and certainly some of the English wants a sorting-out, but there are some very, very sweet aspects to this story. Keep going.
Best wishes from
Eileen Kardos
The Noodle Trail

Very scatty. yes an edit would help with tightening up loose bits.
you did very well to write in what is obviously not your first language. That is huge since English is so strange grammatically....
i would say keep at the tweaking and good luck
:)
diane

A vivid, powerful story, beautifully written. With a very small amount of editing (of the English) it would certainly be publishable.
For example, at the beginning of Chapter 1:

White print on the back of the red polo shirt...
He looked important as there were people following him...
Bokul was observing the beauty of the National Mausoleum with the kind of wonder that might have been experienced by a traveller lost in the Arabian desert who has just caught sight of a Mona Lisa...

best of luck with the book,
Rosemary

I've taken a look at all three of your books: The Flag, New World and Love in the Coffin. All are lyrical, profound, and thought-provoking. I encourage you to find someone to help go over the English. At the same time, the English should be "fixed" with a very light hand, since too much editing and focus on grammar could take away lyrical quality from the writing. I've backed all three.
Rosalind Barden
American Witch

Hi Hurefo
Thanks for your message - I have read the first two chapters and your writing style is effectve and creates a real picture of the setting of the story in terms of the people , the buildings , their culture as well as the different sights , sounds and smells. I liked the development of the characters and of the story - particularly Raton and Nadi - the only thing I would recommend would be to edit some of the sentence structures and grammar as it was a little awkard but on the whole it was a moving and thought provoking piece

Good luck
Steph

I liked the way you began this story: "UR WHAT U BELIEVE". It has a powerful message, but as I read further I ran into obstacles. Sentence structure, grammar, spelling, and punctuation need a close looking at. I generally do not comment on these issues as there are those here that are more qualified to that purpose. I comment on the quality of storytelling, style of writing, and, of course, the basis of the story.
I feel that there is a good story here, but I am afraid the storytelling is not painting the picture I think you intend, although, there are moments when I see brilliance, there are others when I was feeling in the dark for a purpose.
This work needs editing and some re-organization, but it is worth the effort. Keep at it - it will come.

Read others work here, like my novel: The Red Poppy.

P Alan Davis
The Red Poppy

The story has a strange feeling. Mainly brought about by the lack of understanding in the ehglish written word. There is a sort of ethereal quality about it. I think you should get some help with the grammar but try and retain this beautiful picture that you are painting. Good Luck-Carole

A bold, simple and visceral opening. A good hook to begin with.

There is a lyrical, other-worldly feel to this and a potentially strong story waiting to blossom.

The language used at present, however, can come across as somewhat stilted and clumsy and is likely to confuse someone used to reading modern, colloquial English. It really needs an edit to make the prose more accessible.

Noticed nits:
“He was managing him smartly” should be “”He was managing himself smartly”
Missing punctuation
Missing words such as “THE National Mausoleum…”

J.S.Watts
Witchlight

Chapter one 'managing him smartly with...' I would change to 'managing well'
What's Mujib bed? If Mujib is a person, it should read 'Mujib's bed.'

There was almost the same curiosity in their eyes - would be better if put as the last sentence of the previous paragraph. The rest of the paragraph you originally started with 'There was...' needs some re-arranging. It is not clear whether 'he' refers to the beggar or the young man. 'black pant' should read 'black pants' [although it is one garment - one of the peculiarities of the English language.]

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I have rearanged the paragraph, trying to keep as close to the original. I have kept the word 'stinge' although I don't know what it means . If it is an Indian word, then a foot-note might help.

He was a very handsome young man. His eyes..... smile. Looking at..... fair skinned...
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[I would then start a new paragraph about his clothing}

The strange thing about the young man was his dress sense. A loose check shirt and black pants, that were both un-ironed. He wore .... sandals. Hanging from one shoulder was a small, old torn school bag.
[I have deleted also, as it suggests some of his clothing was ragged too - but you do not say this.]

Someone like..... a sheep . [in this paragraph wouldwalk should read 'would walk' and server should read 'serve'

Zabir and Naza intimate as friends - might sound like they were homo-sexual to an English reader. I would say 'close' friends. There should also be 'the' before Prime Minister. The fish 'carf' should be carp. [I quieried this with my husband, who used to be an angler.]

OTHERWISE, I would leave the first chapter as it is.
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CHAPTER TWO - You seem to have trouble with combined words, writing them as 2 separate words. Here is a list I have found, and rewritten.: afternoon , housewife , bookworm , bedroom. butterfly , grandson , grandfather.

Mis-spellings I have found are and give correct spelling here, - already embarrassed , Kalkota.

***
I would also delete the line, 'It served as the snack corner as well' . You have just said that in the previous sentence. I think in the next sentence, you need crowded rather than crowdy.
*********
BITS I LIKE, ESPECIALLY. Her son was her jewel - [I was told there is an Indian saying, 'My mothers pearls are her boys and girls, no other treasures has she.'
The couple making love, rolling on the bed, and knocking the vase over. ;-)

Hurefo: I read the first two chapters of The Flag and think you have a good story. I believe some editing would help. If you are able to run spell check for sentance structure and use of plural and tence, I feel you will have a good book.
Rich-Cool1

You have an interesting style of voice with a good idea behind it. I do want to note that I feel like you could expand the texture of your writing a little by maybe adding a few longer sentences throughout. It does make a rhythm for what you have now, but it did get a little hard to read the farther in I got. Great start though and I wish you the best of luck.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

Your writing is lyrical, almost poetic in narration. A soft and fluent flow of the plot.
It feels like a long beautiful song, but in a good way.
Captivating hooks at end of chapters, again, these pull you in and you are compelled to read more.
Your voice can also be staccato and the short sentences set a strong overall scene.
Well done.

i like your writing style. the short sentences feel very dramatic and pull readers farther into your story. at times though, your sentence structure feels... odd. you have some awkward phrasing and a few mistakes here and there. nothing that an edit wont be able to fix. keep at it and i wish you the very best of luck with this!

hoping to hear your feedback on Gut Instincts,
melissa :)

Hurefo Reama - The Flag

This seems to be a book about a man's spiritual journey. Your voice is distinct, though at times hard to follow. You leave out words which leaves the reader to unnecessarily 'fill in the blanks'.

I hate to say, 'it is because you're not a first-language English speaker' because, I too am not a native English speaker, but I feel, here that it is quite clear. My advice is to ask someone with a high proficiency to read through it with you and assist you in fixing the sentence-level errors.

You're storytelling seems good. You start with a new scenario, and with a message: U R WHAT U BELIEVE U R, that appeals to everyone. Your use of short sentences are quite effective, but can become too much.

I hope I didn't sound mean or harsh. I only want to give my honest opinion and offer you some advice.

Starred.

Good luck, Hurefo.
Michelle
The Gypsy's Daughter.

Kia ora Hurefo,

I agree with Tammy -your book does have a real The Alchemist feel to it -it seems very spiritual and you have a way of choosing images and symbols that have powerful resonance for the reader. I love your use of short sentences. Your writing almost takes on a lyrical, poetic, haiku type rhythm when you use this style. I must also compliment you on your ability to describe setting and weather - so many writers do this in a cliched or overwritten way but again you chose images eg. "leaves and twigs were scattered here and there" -that are beautiful in their simplicity and yet unique. There are a few things to polish in terms of language structure, but this is overwhelmingly high quality, unique writing.

Highly starred

Kaal Kaczmarek
Cousin Felicity and the Eels of Misty Point

The Flag.
By Hurefo Reama.


You really need to edit what you have, reading carefully as you go through it.
I’ve put these below to help but there are many more errors as you go along.
The story itself has a lot of potential and could finish up an excellent read.
It will be well worth it to go through it at this stage of your m/s.

…This was (only his) valuable treasure in the whole. He would never let go.world. It seemed even in his sleep he would hold it close….
Looks like cut and paste errors here, it should read:-
This was his only valuable treasure in the whole world. It seemed even in his sleep he would hold it close. He would never let go.
…Very handsome looking (youngman…) young man.
…You broken heart or victorious but would come back… (With a broken heart or victorious, you would come back).
…Some one like the old man home meant something different… (To someone like the old man home meant something different).

Best wishes,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

I have read the first chapter. It's very good, interesting to read with good imagery and leaves a desire to keep reading.
Sometimes the writing is a little hard to follow, I had to read the same thing a couple of times to understand what was being said.

An interesting, evocative read with some startling insights and passages that shine. There is much here to be pleased about. I applaud your success with language, the sympathetic way you convey meaning.

Your writing would benefit so much from added continuity, if you could have help to smooth out the narrative line. Apart from that, your writing is full of interest and arresting imagery, so it would be well worth your while to find someone who could help you.

Please do, so that we may all read and enjoy your original and interesting story at its best.

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped"

Read the first chapter and loved it! You are a good writer and write fairly well in English, which I can tell, is not your native tongue. There is a charm about your writing. Many emotions come through in your choice of words, I liked the part about the kite, reminding your MC of a woman that was raped, I assume this takes place in Pakastan. I question the change in POV from Bokul to Moba. I wonder if that could be handled differently...maybe tell more story from Bokul's point of view, then start a new chapter with Moka's point of view. I loved the character of the beggar as well! After reading the pitch, I wonder, who IS your main character? Is it the beggar man with the bone cane, or Bokul?
Good Luck!
Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

There is a lot of beautiful writing here. I particularly liked the passages that were from Bokul's perspective. Some of the meanings were getting garbled, like the phrase, "he walked on his cane", which makes it sound like he put his cane on the ground and walked on it rather than what you were trying to say, which was, "He walked with his cane" or even "he walked, using his cane for balance."

It did feel a little weird to be pulled away from Bokul's story after getting to know him. In the end we run into him again, but I'm wondering if a chapter break at the transition would be appropriate. The last thing I will mention is that there seems to be a little too much "telling" of the story and not enough "showing" for my taste. This is really a style issue and a matter of personal preference. I wouldn't suggest that you change anything unless others feel the same way. It's important to maintain your own personal style.

Thanks for the read.

Hi Hurefo,
Your long pitch and the first chapter remind me of the Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, which is such a wonderful book. With yours, I also feel like I’m reading something with a deeper message about life, which always interests me. Is this already published? The cover picture you have looks like a book cover. If so, congratulations. Have star rated this :-)
Tammy Robinson
Charlie and Pearl