Flittergrace Enchantment

The very first chapter brings you right into the story. The best part about a book like this is that's even though it's a fantasy, it's easy to read and relatable. Sure its about Faeries, but the characters are well drawn and over all I loved it!
In every chapter is something interesting and keeps me reading. This world is so intriguing that I hope you post more!
I'll give you six stars since I haven't read anything else like this story. Original!!

-Courtney
The Echoes

Hi Kirsty!

Kestrellian, Swapping for Flittergrace Enchantment

This story is exciting form the very beginning. I love the setting, and the names for the places - Flittergrace, Willow Walk, Chestnut Pond - nice nature names that really create the faery fantasy feel. Your descriptions of the environment are also beautiful, a good length and great worldbuilding imagery.

You begin your synopsis by saying that a mystery and the prophecy is revealed to a teenage Ryleigh, but at least the first four chapters take place while she is only an infant. I like that. It's very rare in prophecy fantasies that you see the events leading up to the chosen's life and adventures firsthand.

Arihanna really makes the first chapter intriguing. I felt her fear myself, and wondered what she meant when she "covered for a witch". I followed the story and understood there are three worlds: the faerie world, the witch world, and the human world, and the inhabitants from each one can travel to the others (well, perhaps humans can't, don't know yet), and the Black Wing are made of witches. I'm interested to see how the human world plays in, and what the relationship is between the faeries and witches. They seem to be similar creatures.

Questions I still have are: Why did Arihanna's blood poison Devril? Why do the witches hate the faeires, and what are their and Devril's goals?

The other comments have already covered the grammatical aspects I'd have pointed out. I find it easier to proofread a work after the entire first version is completed. One thing in particular stood out for me, though - in Chapter One, when Devril speaks to Arihanna after she asks what he needs faery blood for, he answers, "if I told you that, I'd have to kill you." Since he kills her right then, the threat is sort of redundant. He might want to threaten her with someone else's life, or humiliation, or something like that. It was clear she already didn't expect to survive.

So Faithstorn used the separation crystal after all. Great ending to the fourth chapter, not revealing whether he survived or not. I can't wait for the beginning of Ryleigh's story. You lay out clues to the plot well. Just keep track of all the mysteries you've created, you've got a great setup here.

Kestrellian

I really like the pitch for this book. It asks a question that automatically draws the reader into the story.

‘Will fear force Ryleigh to return to England or will she confront her destiny in time to save Flittergrace?’

I myself have used this technique.

There is some wonderful imagery in chapter one; I have highlighted two of my favourite passages below.

‘She could hear the beating of her heart, as loud as the ticking clock that stood in the hallway of Adrienne’s and Magnite’s tree house. The sound of cracking branches started her, interrupting the rhythmic beat, as a tall, dark mysterious figure appeared from the mist’

‘The tall, muscular figure walked briskly, until he was stood only inches away from Arihanna. She could see his face now; his sun-kissed skin; his long black hair. Yes without a doubt it was Brogan Gallow.’

For me good character development is key to a successful story. Something I have to admit is a work in progress for me. However, you have developed this element of your writing really well.

This is clearly an enchanting and spellbinding story that has me won over. I will add; Flittergrace Enchantment to my bookshelf as soon as a space becomes available.

6 Stars.

I have really enjoyed reading this book, I can't wait to find out what happens next to hirvana and ryleigh, I love that there are loose ends that can continue to draw me into this story like who is ryleighs father and why was it kept secret. This book took my full attention which is not easy to do and I can't wait to read more.

Diezer x

Hi Kirsty,

I like how you start up the action and mysteries right from the very first chapter. What happened to that poor fairy really shows us how bad the villians are. I woud almost say it is too quick, but I think you maintained the right balance.

Your writing - I think - is pretty good for the age group that you've attempted to write for (middle graders I'm guessing?). There are cute descriptions, and things move along quickly. I would cut down some of those really long paragraphs in chapter 2 though, or at least break them up. When I see a really long paragraph, I tend to skim it, to get to the action, and I think a lot of young people are like that.

I think this book would really appeal to young girls. Also, the names of the faeries are so appropriate, and so unique!

Liz

Read swap, as promised (Worlds Apart:Leah). Please remember this is only my opinion, I am neither a publisher nor an editor, just simply a reader.

I enjoyed this, as the first chapter drew me in well, and painted a good picture of the faery world. However, one line jarred me - the raw-emotions followed by a tennis match. I can see what you're trying to portray here, but the imagery of a tennis match didn't work for me with the rest of the passage.

In a couple of places your descriptions are heavy. By that I mean that you put so much description into one passage, it drowns the action. Might be worth separating them out slightly, because you do have some good ideas here, and the makings of a great story, so the last thing you want is for a young reader to lose interest because they've lost the story.

As I see has already been mentioned, the pitch will need working, or alternatively, simply call this first section "the beginning", something to make the reader realise that the story is yet to come, and this is just, in essence, backstory.

Kirsty, I did really enjoy this, and look forward to seeing more. Hope you find my comments useful.

Rose

This book has the right title, it is certainly enchanting! The beginning draws you right in straight away, as something is going to happen but you're not quite sure what. I love the names you have, they are fantastical but you make them sound perfectly normal which is brilliant. Excellent writing that has a brilliant flow.

I'm not usually one for tales about faery-folk, but I really enjoyed this. The characters were three-dimensional and I could relate to them easily. I did note a plethora of -ly adverbs which could be pared down, but the story was enthralling. Please return the read and leave any constructive criticism you feel warranted.
Gao Zuojia
Kailai and the Dragon Prince

Ch1 - We all fall down

This is good writing so far, I hadn't expected the fairie to actually die! One issue I do have is that I feel as if I've been dropped into this story a couple of chapters in. I do like starting a book with the action, it grabs the reader, but I'd also like a bit more explanation as to who these characters are and why they don't know if they should trust eachother. Also as mentioned below there's a quick jump to Devril's scene that might throw people.

'Devril would never let her go she had been stupid to trust Galloway' - needs some extra puncuation.

Kirsty,

An action packed first chapter which definitely makes the reader want to keep going and learn more. Also, the names you have chosen for your characters are perfect and really add to the drama of the story. I think you have the makings of a great fantasy here.

The only problem is that I felt there were far too many grammatical issues and this really disrupted my reading. Others have mentioned it below as well, and I think you really need to put in some time to edit the grammar. The use of commas in wrong places, or the absence of commas in others made it a little difficult for me to read. Here are a few grammatical errors that popped out at me (apologies if others have already pointed them out).

“…if her luck had finally ran out.” Delete "had", or change “ran” to “run”
“…his (piecing) green eyes” should be “piercing”.
“ ‘Well, let’s get to it then.’ She said, purposely avoiding his previous statement." After 'let’s get to it then', there should be a comma and a small 's' not a full-stop.
I felt that throughout the text there were many instances where commas could be used more effectively but there are too many for me to list here. Unless it is a style thing which I don't fully understand in which case this comment is irrelevant.

Aside from this, here are some other suggestions which may (or may not) be helpful to you in improving the text:

"Trust. To trust or not to trust..." I think the first "Trust" is redundant and can be deleted.

“The rich aroma of her sister...” - Sounds like her sister smells, not the cooking. Maybe, “The rich aroma of her sister Adrienne’s cooking caught her nose…" would work better.

“dark mysterious figure..” But she knew it was Galloway, so shouldn’t be too mysterious. And in the next couple of paragraphs we understand that this was a planned meeting, so the use of “mysterious” feels a little out of place.

"She didn’t want him to know that she had been battling with the decision or at the fact that she was indeed terrified of being alone with him.”
- “decision” – what decision? To come to the meeting? Then it should be “the decision to show up” or “the decision to come”.
- “at the fact” is not necessary and probably should be removed as it doesn’t flow with the sentence – so it becomes, “…battling with the decision (to come), or that she was indeed…”

After Ahrianna is hit in the head, it should either be the end of the chapter, or you should insert a *****, or insert a few extra line spaces to break up the chapter, since all of a sudden the scene has changed and Devril has been introduced. I think you have put in one extra line space but it is probably not enough as it is not clear at first glance. I read on as if it was the continuation of the same scene and I did not understand what I was all of a sudden doing with Devril in another room.

I hope this is of some help to you. I guess you should take or leave what you will from these comments, but I do think it is important you review the grammar, especially the placement of your punctuation. Personally, I struggled to keep with the flow of the prose. You have the great beginnings of a story here and the action captivates the reader, so if you do your novel justice by perfecting the grammar, you will be well on the way to having created a great fantasy. Best of luck with it all,

Raf
'J-Town'

Comments for Flittergrace Enchantment

Cover – Please, sort one out, Kirsty!

Short pitch – Yes. I think the first line of the long pitch works better as the SP.

Long pitch – You’ve got all the elements in there but you need to re-write it. Break it down and start again. Do we need to know she’s British?

‘Headstrong teenager, Ryleigh, inadvertently stumbles upon a sixteen year old secret. She is part of a prophecy, a child of the fairy realm - Flittergrace.’

You then mention her training to defeat a ruthless witch, but I had no idea she was under threat. Maybe, ‘Finding her life threatened by a ruthless witch named, Devril, Ryleigh starts her training. Her faith is tested. Her dreams are invaded by Devril’s mysterious right-hand man, Galloway.’ (Do you mean right-wing or right-hand? Right-wing denotes his political sensibilities.

‘Struggling to come to term with her new identity, Ryleigh, wonders whether the pressure is driving her insane, or whether Galloway is controlling her mind. Will she return home to England, or will she help save Flittergrace and fulfil the prophecy?’

I’m not very good at writing pitches myself, but I’m just trying to arrange this so it’s clearer and more enticing for the reader.

C1:

Trust or not to trust? We know what that sounds like. I’d change that if I were you.

Does a wave creep? They normally crash over you.

‘The rich aroma of her sister, Adrienne’s cooking caught her nose and made her heart ache.’ You need to rearrange this sentence, I know what you mean, but it doesn’t read as you intend it to. ‘The rich aroma of her Adrienne’s cooking, caught her nose and made her heart ache. Her sister would be devastated . . .’

. . . ‘what if she would not be around to see them grow up.’ Missing question mark.

Your prose flows nicely once you hit your stride. Just be careful of the odd sentence that might not be interpreted as you want it.

Best Wishes

Iso

This is an incredible, captivating opening entree of a book. The first chapter starts off very well and it just keeps getting better with each preceding chapter. I can't wait to see how the rest of this book ends up coming together. A definite new entry into my Watch List. Which by the way...thank you for putting my book onto your WL.

Remarkable introduction to the story in the first chapter. It pulls the reader straight in. The title and pitch throw you off as to what you are about to read, normally I don't like that, but I found myself held in place to read this book. It called me to continue. You have a well-thought-out intro and I can tell that this is one of those books that will probably have mystery surrounding every corner and turn the story will take the reader on. I look forward to continuing the journey with your book. Thank you so very much for the invitation to read your book!

~Bethanie

Kirsty, when I saw your title, I thought it sounded enchanting and fitted the pitch so well. When I started to read the uploaded chapters I soon discovered there was a much darker tone to the story, the slitting of Arihanna's throat and drinking of her blood and the battles all portray the evil of Dervil so effectively.

You have some lovely imagery, great names and a good concept in this story. There are many who would have had a prologue dealing with the departure through the porthole, but I much prefer your use of these first four chapters to get to that point. You still got me launched straight into the story but have also set-up the background for family and friendship, enemies and schemes, with plenty of tension and a sense of scene.

There was one thing I found contradictory in chapter 3, when Thaddeus suggests the division crystal he says that he'll break it on the line, he'll die and then the world's will separate. Later, when he insists it has to be him who uses the crystal, as the most powerful, he says that if the faery who broke the crystal was not strong enough, they would die and the separation would not hold.

I'm far from your target market for this book, but based on what I've been able to read so far, I would continue with this.

I really like the pitch for this book. It asks a question that automatically draws the reader into the story.

‘Will fear force Ryleigh to return to England or will she confront her destiny in time to save Flittergrace?’

I myself have used this technique.

There is some wonderful imagery in chapter one; I have highlighted two of my favourite passages below.

‘She could hear the beating of her heart, as loud as the ticking clock that stood in the hallway of Adrienne’s and Magnite’s tree house. The sound of cracking branches started her, interrupting the rhythmic beat, as a tall, dark mysterious figure appeared from the mist’

‘The tall, muscular figure walked briskly, until he was stood only inches away from Arihanna. She could see his face now; his sun-kissed skin; his long black hair. Yes without a doubt it was Brogan Gallow.’

For me good character development is key to a successful story. Something I have to admit is a work in progress for me. However, you have developed this element of your writing really well.

This is clearly an enchanting and spellbinding story that has me won over. I will add; Flittergrace Enchantment to my bookshelf as soon as a space becomes available.

6 Stars.

Hi Kirsty!

Kestrellian, Swapping for Flittergrace Enchantment

This story is exciting form the very beginning. I love the setting, and the names for the places - Flittergrace, Willow Walk, Chestnut Pond - nice nature names that really create the faery fantasy feel. Your descriptions of the environment are also beautiful, a good length and great worldbuilding imagery.

You begin your synopsis by saying that a mystery and the prophecy is revealed to a teenage Ryleigh, but at least the first four chapters take place while she is only an infant. I like that. It's very rare in prophecy fantasies that you see the events leading up to the chosen's life and adventures firsthand.

Arihanna really makes the first chapter intriguing. I felt her fear myself, and wondered what she meant when she "covered for a witch". I followed the story and understood there are three worlds: the faerie world, the witch world, and the human world, and the inhabitants from each one can travel to the others (well, perhaps humans can't, don't know yet), and the Black Wing are made of witches. I'm interested to see how the human world plays in, and what the relationship is between the faeries and witches. They seem to be similar creatures.

Questions I still have are: Why did Arihanna's blood poison Devril? Why do the witches hate the faeires, and what are their and Devril's goals?

The other comments have already covered the grammatical aspects I'd have pointed out. I find it easier to proofread a work after the entire first version is completed. One thing in particular stood out for me, though - in Chapter One, when Devril speaks to Arihanna after she asks what he needs faery blood for, he answers, "if I told you that, I'd have to kill you." Since he kills her right then, the threat is sort of redundant. He might want to threaten her with someone else's life, or humiliation, or something like that. It was clear she already didn't expect to survive.

So Faithstorn used the separation crystal after all. Great ending to the fourth chapter, not revealing whether he survived or not. I can't wait for the beginning of Ryleigh's story. You lay out clues to the plot well. Just keep track of all the mysteries you've created, you've got a great setup here.

Kestrellian

I was entranced right from the beginning and I love the fast pace of the first chapter.
I think it would benefit from you reading this aloud to yourself though to pick up on a couple of things that dont flow very well. eg "what do you think my people with think..."
Also, you use the characters names excessively at times when a he, her, his or hers would suffice.
Other than these small nitty gritty points, I have to say that I love this and I am interested to see where you go next.
Cheryl x

Hi Kirsty,

I've just read some of your book, and it has a really good beginning! It's very intriguing and draws the reader in. There are a couple of grammar errors, e.g.:
'...what if she would not be around to see them grow up.' - should be a question mark at the end, and the sentence seems a bit clunky.
'she watched herself fly over the line...' - she couldn't have watched herself, it would read better if it was something like 'she saw the line separating the two worlds, and felt a small vibration as she she passed over into the other realm'....or something like that lol.
Other than a few minor grammar errors, (such as full stops where there should be commas etc) the story seems to flow nicely and I wish you well with the rest of your writing :)!
Rachel

Hi Kirsty,

I liked your beginning, the betrayal and the mysterious incident at the end made it very intriguing. I love how it leaves the fate the antagonist hanging. While I know the bad guy wont die at the beginning of the story, it doesn't stop me from thinking, "In your face, Devril" even when I have no idea what really happened.
It's a good start and you tell the story well, taking us nicely into the mind of the character.
Little has been revealed of your world but it's only the start so I'll hope for that in the next chapters.

**************

- she watched herself fly over the line (She couldn't have "watched" herself unless she was dreaming or watching a video of it-- "Her heart thumped as she flew over the line that separated the two worlds.)
• "Thank you, for coming. I have to be honest I didn't think you'd show." (Thank you for coming. To be honest, I didn't think you'd show.")
• Commas at the closing end of the quotes except for question, exclamation and a few others. But if your sentence is gonna end with "he said" or something similar, that shouldn't be a sentence of its own.

"Well, let's get to it then," she said.
• "He'll do what vermin?" (He'll do what, vermin?)
• That my dear is a secret, if I told you I would have to kill you (That, my dear, is a secret. If I told you, I would have to kill you)
• He raised the glass vial into the air at the two men, who were now sat on a dusty old sofa, (who now sat on a dusty old sofa,) reads better.

Looked at some of the comments below and it seems I'm repeating what others have said already.
Anyway, Will read more.

Edwin (The First Oath)

The very first chapter brings you right into the story. The best part about a book like this is that's even though it's a fantasy, it's easy to read and relatable. Sure its about Faeries, but the characters are well drawn and over all I loved it!
In every chapter is something interesting and keeps me reading. This world is so intriguing that I hope you post more!
I'll give you six stars since I haven't read anything else like this story. Original!!

-Courtney
The Echoes

The very first chapter brings you right into the story. The best part about a book like this is that's even though it's a fantasy, it's easy to read and relatable. Sure its about Faeries, but the characters are well drawn and over all I loved it!
In every chapter is something interesting and keeps me reading. This world is so intriguing that I hope you post more!
I'll give you six stars since I haven't read anything else like this story. Original!!

-Courtney
The Echoes

This book has got me inthralled it is magical and mysterious and I am anxious to know what happens next!! Who will survive? what will happen to ryleigh ? will caspian survive ? there are so many things i want to know. An exciting read! Cant wait for more...My congratulations to the author.

Hi Kirsty,

I’m here for our read swap. Sorry it’s taken me so long. Below are my findings/comments. They are, of course, my humblest opinions, so take them for whatever they’re worth.

“sixteen year old” in this case needs to be hyphenated.

Quick question: Does Ryleigh know she is from Flittergrace? If not, that should be mentioned. If she knows, that should be worked in too, as it’s a pretty prominent component of this character I’d imagine.

Otherwise, I love the pitch.

Chapter One: We All Fall Down

I think that first line can be tighter and stronger. I’m not sure the single word followed by a question is all that impactful. Might just be me, though. I think you beat around the bush of things in that first paragraph, and the more you do, the more the impact lessens and the more tedious it becomes for the reader. Something to consider is all. Again, it might just be me.

“The rich aroma of her sister, Adrienne’s cooking…” This is awkward. It reads like she’s smelling her sister, not her cooking. I might suggest, “The rich aroma of Adrienne’s cooking caught her nose and made her heart ache. Her sister was fantastic in the kitchen.” (or something like that). There are other ways to massage this, I’m sure.
Be careful about posing too many direct questions to the reader. It starts feeling a little overdone.

The wind whipped around her face? It didn’t whip her face, but missed it entirely?

Her heart thumped? Don’t hearts always thump? I think this description needs to be more distinctive. Skipped a beat? Sped up? Fluttered?

“…I didn’t think you’d show.” He said. – This should be written as “…I didn’t think you’d know,” he said.

Your description around the dialogue and dialogue itself is wonderful. It’s really your strength, which is commendable, since well-written dialogue can really make a story and its characters pop.

This is a great first chapter. You do a great job of pulling the reader in. I think the start of it’s a bit choppy, though, especially since it seems to be a bit faster paced and action packed later. That first part doesn’t fit with the flow and just seems to weigh the reader down. Great characters and strong dialogue make this a worthy read.
Best of luck with this! I anticipate it will do well here.

Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

This is an action-packed story that really hits the ground running! I feel very invested as a reader after just four chapters. There's a good balance of action and dialogue, and the story becomes more and more intriguing with each chapter. I demand the rest of the book! Publish! Publish! Publish!

This is incredible. I recommend this book to everyone. The descriptions of emotions and scenery are amazing... you actually feel like your there in Flittergrace. Hurry up and get this book on the shelf!!!! Every chapter ends with a cliff hanger that leaves you bursting for more. What a fabulous read!

This is incredible. I recommend this book to everyone. The descriptions of emotions and scenery are amazing... you actually feel like your there in Flittergrace. Hurry up and get this book on the shelf!!!! Every chapter ends with a cliff hanger that leaves you bursting for more. What a fabulous read!

Absolutely Fantastic!,
An amazing tale of magic, mystery, and enchantment
Can,t wait for this to arrive on the shelves to purchase! It is a fabulous read ,
Well done!!

What an enchanting start!! Can't wait for the rest!

Absolutely fabulous!
Sitting down to read even this relatively minuscule amount of the book was such a pleasure, and I can't wait for more. Within four chapters, one easily gets lost in the charming world of Flittergrace with such amazing description and a plot line that hooks you from the start! The very end of Chapter Four leaves one mystified and full of questions. I'd give this book an 11 out of 10 any day.

This is well worth the read, all the public need to know now is when we will be able to purchase the full book. Reading the first 4 chapters gives you a real feel for the world and the environment where this book takes you, I got really lost in it, a great read. I can even see the adaptation from book to film, maybe Disney should look at this for a competitor to the great "Harry Potter" movies that have taken over the world in the last few years. A great start to what I imagine will get even better in the rest of the book. When will I be able to purchase the full book??? Highly recommend, I am hooked after four chapters, brilliant, well done!!!

Amazing! Love. Love. Love.

What a fantastic beginning to this book, I desparately want to read the rest, I want to know why Devril drank Arihanna's blood? Why did it make him ill? Who is Releigh's father? What will happen now to Releigh (the prophecy child) and her mother. The descroptions by the author made me feel like I was the in Flittergrace flying with the other fearies flying over the pond. I' really enjoyed these 4 chapters can't wait to read the rest.