Book Jacket

 

rank 1114
word count 13916
date submitted 01.12.2011
date updated 07.12.2011
genres: Literary Fiction, Romance, Historic...
classification: universal
incomplete

Above us the stars

Sarah Forbes

1910 - a boy arrives at the old home of his mysterious magical mother, secrets unravel as the world is thrown into chaos and war.

 

1910- Hana feels alone in Summermeadow where she lives with her family but one day a boy called Edward arrives with a silver faerie charm in his pocket. He is the son of the legendary and notorious Lily Sutherton, who ran away from Summermeadow after the sudden death of her mother sixteen years before.

Hana falls increasingly under the spell of Edward and his stories of running with his mother across turn of the century Europe. However, as time goes on it becomes clear that Lily and her mother were hiding dark secrets that inevitably led to heartbreak and despair.

With the outbreak of war, horror and reality blur for Hana and Edward. Both must face dilemmas of conscience and survival. As their destinies enclose around them, one of them must make a terrible sacrifice.

 
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tags

1900s, adventure, destinies colliding, epic, faeries, history, love, loyalty, magic, mystery, paris, world war one

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20 comments

 

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J.L.McMahon wrote 50 days ago

I’ve only just begun reading the first chapter and so far I am interested in your characters and I liked how you opened with the little boy wondering about Homes and blaming his mother for why he didn’t have one but I felt like you dropped the topic of the boy and shifted into narrative summary about the mother, which is fine but I felt like it disrupted the flow. I think you should either start with the summary about the mother and her family or write more on the boy before shifting onto the mother’s history. Will read more later :)

orma wrote 125 days ago

Women Only thread
I'm not fond of historical fiction and don't usually read it, but as it's listed on WO thread I decided to give it a go.
I'm pleasently surprised as the story has much potential.
Although I do find there's a little too many adjectives. The description of Lily for instance goes on a bit.
I think the reader would 'get her' in less words.
I'd aim more for the plot of the story as this is very interesting and emotionally fueled.
This is what your audience will love about your writing, in my humble opinion of course.
Emotionally charged writing is a best seller.
Best of luck to you.

Peter Sidebotham wrote 146 days ago

I'm afraid the style doesn't really grip me. Which is a shame because I suspect this is actually a very good story. You have some real gems in your description (e.g. 'walk endlessly into nature's summer'), but there is just too much of this, so the whole comes across, to me, as over the top, rather full of cliche and dragging.

There are quite a few sentences which I think you could tidy up, with some coming across as clumsy, or using the wrong tense:
'He knew this place would not be like the countless apartments... and various other accomodation he had laid his head in the thirteen and a half years of his life.'
'And this was exactly which no-one could adequately explain there was something exceptional...'
'the one person's whose opinion she cared for...'
'the three of them in their separate and overlapping spheres passed Lily's childhood...'
'Lily would relive this day a million times in her dreams. Trying to reclaim what she had lost, but it is always too late.'
The repetition of 'a million times in her' in the next paragraph is overdoing it.

There are also a few tautologies:
'quickly followed soon after'
'changes that happen slowly over time'

I think you could improve it by cutting back on some of the description; but then again, others seem to like it, so it may just be me!

Anyway best wishes and good luck with the book.

Peter

CaileD wrote 154 days ago

Hi, this is a BHCG review...a short one...dunno if it'll help...
Plot – very descriptive, not too much, rather feels like an old style, as others have mentioned, Jane Austen, etc.
Pacing – as in the style, which is good, it moves along as you'd expect :-)
Characters/Characterization - nice Dickenish/Austen character build-up.
Point of View/Voice - like it, the style again rules the POV, sometimes quite distant, sometimes closer
Style – a time piece, really, I'm sure there are many readers who'd love to get their hands on this
Sentence level – typical of 3rd person, use of a wide range of descriptive lexicon
Dialogue - saw the 1st real dialogue in the 3rd part, except for some italics beforehand. What dialogue was there for me was a little strange, but maybe it suits this genre, i dunno.
Originality - well, not really, but this is a set genre, difficult to be original
Publishability - probably, there's a big market for this out there :-)
extras - pt4 - "Boat docks 11am Exeter...", perhaps soften the font, put it in handwriting rather than blocks
pt5 - "a man in a red tail coat" - Is this a sentence? And after it, is this dialogue?
pt6 - the last paragraphs, capitals...
Overall - I think it's a nice read of the genre, though a better mix of dialogue and description wouldn't go amiss.
Best
DJC

L_MC wrote 161 days ago

Hi Sarah, I've now read the six chapters currently uploaded.

You do seem to have a voice for this story, the language and way you write does make it feel like the period in which the story is set. You have created interesting characters and family dynamics that can work effectively as hooks to get the reader interested and keep them reading.

There are some sentences that feel a little clunky and could be tightened and some minor typos, like guess instead of guests, that can easily be corrected (and that are very easy to make).

Whilst I do like the backstory of Lily's childhood and I can appreciate the thought and work that has gone in to writing the first two chapters, I found that, for me, the story really started with chapter four and the introduction of Hana. The story came to life in that chapter. Edward and Hana are the focus of the pitches and are the characters I was expecting to meet.

I found the shift, in chapter five, from third to first person a bit disconcerting and I can only guess the narrator of that chapter is Edward. Whilst chapter three does show the transient and unsettled nature of Edward and Lily's lives, it left me wondering where and when this scene occurred, Edward seemed very young.

Overall, I found the pitches and characters intriguing. I'd like to see more of Edward and Hana and find out what their meeting means for both of them.

Sue50 wrote 161 days ago

Awesome descriptions! Happy to BACK your work. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown. Good Luck!
Sue50

Wanttobeawriter wrote 167 days ago

ABOVE US THE STARS Historical Fiction Group Review
Chapter 2. Interesting chapter. I like the comparison between Mary and Caitlin. I was a little confused as to whether Lilly was living at home because you write, “when Mary saw her in town, she studied her green eyes”. If Lilly lived with the family, why would Mary only wonder about her eyes when she saw her in town? At the end of this chapter you go back to Edward’s arrival at Summermeadow. Because in the next chapter, he’s with his mother, I wonder if you need that here. It seems out of order.
Chapter 3. Edward as very young with Lily. Good chapter. I would have liked to know how old Edward is here. I liked the way Lily seems to be a good mother despite the bitterness in her heart. Also I would have liked an explanation of what happened to his father.
Chapter 4. Beginning this chapter with Hana and James is a little disorienting as you never explain who are these children (I’m assuming they are Mariette’s). Also, and this sounds like a small thing, but I confused Heather and Hana at one point (thought Hana was a nickname for Heather). Would you think of changing one of their names so they don’t seem so much alike?
Should “Lily bit her lip” be “Hana bit her lip”?
And I don’t mean to pick at things, but I’m still not sure in what year this story takes place. I’ve been thinking it was the 1800s because life seems so simple and no one listens to Ipods but then you describe Mary as wearing slacks so that made me think it’s at least the 1940s. Is there a way to orient your reader as to the date all this is happening?
Chapter 5. An unknown narrator is going to see a knife thrower. At first I didn’t like the way I didn’t know who was the narrator of this chapter, but then quickly realized it was Edward, so okay.
Small things: I don’t understand what “winning at he coconut shy” means, Also, “he stood upon a little . . .” doesn’t feel like a finished sentence.
Chapter 6. Edward arrives at Summermeadow. I like the way you reveal more about Mariette’s background here (I was wondering if these children had a father) and also what happened to Gabriel (altho I’m not sure what “he returned for good” means).
Small things: should “receiving guess” be “receiving guests”? Also, you have a problem with names again. In earlier chapters, Mary’s daughter was named Mariette. Here her name is Marie. Which gives you both a Mary and a Marie. Any special reason you chose two names so much alike? It’s much easier for a reader when names don’t sound so much alike.
Cover and pitches: My computer is a laptop so it’s hard to make out exactly what your cover shows (a dark sky with stars?). In any event, it’s not the sort of cover I would be drawn to in a bookstore as it makes me think this is going to be a gloomy read. Your pitch is good (and I see you do say it’s 1910 here. But to help out a reader who doesn’t read this blurb, you need to refer to that time line in the story as well).
Pace: This is not the fastest moving story in the world but at the same time, that is its charm so okay.
Point of View: No problem. It shifts from chapter to chapter but works well.
Authenticity (Historical accuracy). I didn’t have any problems except when Mary was described as wearing slacks.
Characters: You have a wealth of interesting characters. I liked Lily a lot so was sad to learn she must be dead. It’s obvious Edward has some of her magic in him. I didn’t expect Mary to be such a nice character (thought she was going to be a wicked stepmother) so that was a nice surprise.
Descriptions: Your descriptions are beautifully written; some people will tell you these are overdone and that is what slows the story, but I enjoyed reading them.
Dialogue: You do dialogue well. In contrast to your descriptions, it’s always brief and to the point.
Plot: I’m not sure where the story is going next but I like what I’ve read this far. The subtle hints that Edward has some sort of fairy genes in him is intriguing.
Publishability: I have no idea why publishers choose to publish what that do but I would think you could find a home for this with a historical fiction house. It’s the type of book to buy to read on vacation when a person has the time to delve all the way into it.
Style: Your style is very laid back, but, again, that’s what I enjoyed about this.
Technicalities (grammar, repetitions, typos, etc.): Your last two chapters need some editing for small things, but overall, no big problems.
OVERALL: I enjoyed reading this. I’ll add it to my shelf when I change that this week. Wannabeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Wanttobeawriter wrote 168 days ago

ABOVE US THE STARS Historical Fiction Group Review
Chapter 1. I like the way this story begins with a young boy, then flashbacks to his mother’s life. Made me keep reading to learn how Lily, this young defiant girl, became his mother.
The way you portray Mr. Sutherland as changing as the years go by is well done. It was no surprise to find he was the person standing at the head of the stairs. I liked Mrs. Sutherland a lot and didn’t miss, despite her ability to remain anonymous, there was something unusual and magical about her. Lily is also very likable (a surprise because her son implied she was less than a good mother so at first I had a bad impression of her).
I like your writing style; the way you’re able to include little facts like the way Mrs. Sutherland always served crust less sandwiches is well done. That would have felt cumbersome in some writer’s hands but not in yours. I’ll be back tomorrow to read more. Wannabeawriter

KClark64 wrote 169 days ago

This reminds me of Jane Austen, or other writers of that time period. Oftentimes, your turn of a phrase is very good. Your descriptions are thought-provoking and imaginative. On the other hand, many of your sentences are very long complex-compound sentences that are difficult to follow. By the time one reaches the end of the sentence, one has already forgotten the beginning. If you are going to have very long sentences, proper punctuation becomes very important. You especially might want to make more use the semi-colon; however, even the semi-colon cannot save all run-on sentences.

I wonder whether, at this point in the publishing industry, you can get away with 1) almost all narration without any dialog, and 2) not really getting quickly to the heart of the plot. The first paragraph starts with Edward, but then switches entirely to Lily. I don't think this book is actually about Lily, so I am wondering why so much space is immediately devoted to her. It might be better to let us get to know Edward first, then drop in the Lily backstory later, when it might hold more meaning for us.

I realize this seems generally negative, but I'm trying to be as helpful as I can be. I think that you have quite a bit here that is very worthwhile, and could benefit from some substantial editing.

Here are some specific possible edits you might consider:

"return to something he never even knew he had left, a yearning ..." seems a little awkward, requiring a couple of read-throughs; might rephrase.
"was as sure of this as he had been unsure" might keep the same tense "was as sure of this has was unsure about everything else"
"His mother, Lily Sutheron was in Edward's mind, wholly..." grammatically should be "His mother, Lily Sutherton, was, in Edward's mind, wholly..."
"She had the confidence of those who know...drawn to them." Since she is only one person, shouldn't this be singular? "She had the confidence one who knows...drawn to her."
"And this was exactly which..." either a word or punctuation is missing in this sentence.
"Indeed, everyone agreed..." this is basically saying the same thing as the previous sentence.
"At these times it felt as though you were everything you had hoped you were..." seems a little awkward, perhaps change to "She made you feel you were everything you hoped to be..."
I do generally like these two juxtaposed paragraph descriptions.
"My Smythe, the schoolmaster..." run-on sentence
"could be curbed and correct, opinions" should probably be "could be curbed and corrected--opinions"
"every visitor left feeling as though they..." should probably be "All the visitors left feeling as thought they..."
"understood truth, like the grass" should probably be "understood truth; like the grass"
"when Gabriel finally arrived... He did so" this should be one sentence with a comma in between.

Hope this helps,
Kevin Clark
Will of God

JPK wrote 169 days ago

Sarah,

I am very impressed with "Above us the Stars". This is beautifully written .... I love the colours you use and the smells and the simmering intensity of Summer Meadow. Full of atmosphere as the story unfolds. What I like also is that it is easy to read, the sign of good writing. As a melodrama it has the kind of Tennessee Williams about it (really .... I am not kidding). The book is so visually descriptive and this is truly under those stars ... your light out the darkness. For me it has a wow factor and 6 stars. I hope it does well and I feel you have a lot more stories that you may wish to share.

All the best: John - Paul (In Violet)

Scott Toney wrote 169 days ago

Sarah,

*****Above us the stars: an unseen caller*****

You write so beautifully, with such beautiful description that I am swept up in your world as I read! Chapter three was short but done perfectly. The voices... were dark and eerie and this bond between mother and son has such connection to it that I'm eager to see where it leads. I'll be back soon! This is always a pleasure to read!

Have a fantastic day!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

Su Dan wrote 170 days ago

you have written a well crafted, thoughout book. brilliant structure and story...still a little editing needed. but that's the same for all of us...
on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

Scott Toney wrote 171 days ago

Sarah,

*****Above us the stars: Chapter 2*****

I loved going deeper into your story. It's disturbing to see the new Mrs. Sutherton coming in so quickly with her daughter but it is well written and a good read. I was wondering how Lily would handle that and when she ran into the woods I knew something important was coming soon. Her experience with Benjamin was an intriguing read and great way to end the chapter and you had me rapt in your world once Edward arrived to Summermeadow. I look forward to returning soon and seeing what happens next. Thank you for the enjoyable read!

Have a fantastic day!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

P.s. Thank you for your time with The Ark of Humanity as well and your support for the book!

earthlover wrote 172 days ago

Read the first chapter. The characters of Lily, her mother and father, and the maid Heather, are intriguing. I want to know if her father indeed did push her mother down the stairs, and what will her life be like, now that I turn to chapter 2. From now on, she has no mother, and a father who might have been the cause of her mother's death.
I loved this line:
"...light reflected in the streams into itself again and again, twinkling as though fireflies were caught in a net of water."
So magical, so full of faith in an unknown that your MC loses soon afterwards.
I like the innocence portrayed of being 15 and wearing a white dress. I like the moment you describe where Lily and her mother are in bed, sharing a faerie story. (of course!)
The "dark suit scratchy against her skin." forshadowings of suffering to come?
Highly starred!
Good luck!
Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

Warrick Mayes wrote 172 days ago

Sarah,

I read some of your first chapter, but decided that this is not really my genre. I am not really a lover of the classics, and your book has all the feel of such as classic. It's my problem, not yours!
This is very well writen, but I did struggle with one sentence. "And this was exactly which no-one could quite adequately explain there was something exceptional about Lily." I think I know what your trying to say, but I just can't fathom out exactly how it is saying it - if you know what I mean.

Best regards
Warrick

writerwithacause wrote 172 days ago

Hello Sarah,
You have a very strong premise for a book. I like it. In my opinion you are a very detail oriented writer. My writing style is similar and different from yours. Similar in the direct approach. Different because your sentences are very long. I'm not saying it's wrong but in my opinion it disrupts the flow of the story. Your details are vivid and good but I thought Lilly was an adult until I get to the part about the school. I had to reread the first sentence of the book several times to understand what you are saying. Even if it is me there probably are other people out there like me and this is a distraction to your story. I would switch the very first sentence with one of the other sentences within that paragraph. Edward knew what? You obviously write well so I hope these comments are helpful and not hurtful. i have watchlisted and I will continue to monitor your progress as I think you have a very good story to tell. Lisa

Dilettante wrote 173 days ago

Only a brief sampling, but this seems very promising.

toussaint wrote 173 days ago

I like this. The manuscript has been recently uploaded and needs further work, but I think it will fare well on authonomy. The narration is very old-fashioned, and oddly appropriate for historical fiction. Pacing is slow, yet you get your story in and include loads of detail. Crucially, you have that faerie charm in Michael's pocket at the end of chapter two, which retains my interest in your main storyline. And I like the repetition of the opening paragraph later on when Michael arrives in Summermeadow. Not sure of the one or two places where you address the reader directly, a dangerous strategy, but I think it works here. An evocative story, told with care. All the backstory helps create tension in a way, when Michael arrives in Summermeadow. He's there, with all of this history, and unaware of it. It does actually work. I'm backing this (and my TSR is 4 today).

Lisa A Powell wrote 173 days ago

Nice start..

Scott Toney wrote 174 days ago

Sarah,

First I just want to say that it's an honor to be the first person to comment on your work. I've just finished chapter 1 of "Above us the stars" and am thuroughly enjoying the read. You write percisely, which is a nice change from what I usually see on the site, and I like that. I also love the vivid descriptions you use while writing. I feel a part of your world and can see your characters clearly as well as experience their emotions.

Chapter 1 is a great introduction to Lily and I really enjoyed the descriptions of her relationship with her mother before her mother died. I loved when you said that the two of them would run through the woods barefoot at night and that her mother's heart was just like hers! To see her mother die hurt my heart and sparked an interest in me at the same time. Did the father kill her or was it a faerie or some other mystic creature? The change in Lily is also fascinating! I've rated "Above us the stars" six out of six stars and will return soon to read more. This is a great read and well worth shelving!

Have a fantastic day!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

P.s. If you get the chance I'd love to hear what you think of The Ark of Humanity as well!

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