The Purple Morrow-Book 1

Dyane,
Here for our read swap. I was only going to read a few chapters, but got pulled in and am now through chapter 7. This is well written, with artful descriptions and characterization. The world you have built with the different clans is very interesting.

I'm not sure if I can offer much in the way of constructive criticism. One thing I noticed is that sometimes you use the same word twice in one sentence, reiterating a description or action in a way that isn't necessary. This is an easy fix while editing, so not a huge issue.

When Jeru is in the tavern and the boy comes in with the news that there is a message brought by falcon, one of the men goes into great detail about why the falcon means that the Rovers have returned. This portion of dialogue seems a little stiff, like it is there to give the reader information rather than something this guy would actually say. He could say less and still get the information across, so he doesn't sound like he's giving a history lesson.

In the chapter with Liana going to the market, the word you use for the market stalls is 'kiosk', which threw me out of the fantasy realm a lot. To me, a kiosk is found at a mall, selling watches or cell phone covers or cheap hair accessories, not in a fantasy realm where the clan has carved caves and terraces into the cliff walls at the edge of the sea. The word is too modern.

I like the shifting POV from chapter to chapter. You use it well to pull the reader along. I'm left wondering Liana's fate at this point, and I'll be back for more.
Kate

Hey Dyane,
So, so sooo very sorry for taking forever to get to the read swap I suggested. I'm almost certain you've forgotten. Was swamped...

Anyway, I've read the first two chapters and I'm sure to be back for more given the depth and intrigue I found in them. The first chapter made for a sad premise for the protagonist, and the second nailed the message right in with the portrayal of his lonely, tortured life. Your writing is smoothly narrative and vividly descriptive. I followed Jeru through his happy times right into the river like a kid who'd just bought his favourite flavour of ice-cream only to drop it in the mud. It's wonderful.
It reminded me of J.V Jones' Sword of Shadows series.

On another note, you shift between POVs mid-narrative, which I wouldn't advise. One second we are following Aliyah, the next it's Jeru. The same happened in chapter 2, with no clear separation of one character's view from the other. It gets confusing and that's why one usually sticks to one POV and describes the actions of the others based on his/her perspective. Where a shift is intentionally set, a clear demarcation is use to separate them.
Also fewer adverbs perhaps, since they go to tell rather than show. It always makes for better writing if you avoid them where you can, but it's tough if you're glued to their use.

I noticed a few simple errors and noted them down, but besides that, it's a really clean read.

Chapter 1
-> hey eyes glittered at him like gems.
Chapter 2
-> forgotten to put on his his shoes and
-> seemed to have a calming affect on the -- (effect)
-> neither to the left or to the right -- (nor to the right)
-> People would talked and --

Will keep on my w/l for a deeper read. Highly rated for now.
Sorry again for the lateness... & hope you get time to read mine :)

Edwin
The First Oath

A lots happening, Started with lover's kiss, laughing talking, introduction to a new charrecter, well introduced.
explaine the walk on the stones 'feels smoothe' too much to comment on.
finally, He picked up his wooden box and it was treasure. Well planned story.
Read ache in my heart.

Not my normal genre of choice (interesting as it is) I'm sure that demographically it should appeal to most folk...just not me sorry.
Looking at the comments below I can only agree with most...I would also add that you should perhaps refrain from saying 'she said' "he said' in mid sentence by substituting an implication of who and how they said it...if that makes sense.
Good luck with this.
Star rated anyway.
David

Have read up to chapter 10...planning on reading more... :D

Plot--Good. Well-paced. I like that you didn't overload us with information in the beginning, but instead are gradually revealing things about Clan culture and history. (Btw, LOVE the detail of the different cultures of the Clans--it's a sign of a well-planned story). Two things: beginning the story with a dream is slightly cliche, but it seems to be working for you, so you may be alright in starting with Jeru's vision. Second, If I were you (caution: opinion alert, feel free to disregard!), I would put Kelen's segment a little earlier in the story, perhaps right after Liana is recaptured? For my part, I always like to see the villain/antagonist as early in the story as possible in order to see what the hero/protagonist has to put up with for the rest of the story.

Characterization--Also good. I read the first 10 chapters in two sessions...and I came back for the second mainly because I wanted to see how Liana's predicament was going to turn out. The fact that I was interested enough in your characters to care about their welfare is a sign that you're doing characterization right. The only thing I would say is that it seems uncharacteristic of the Northmen to just leave Liana...it seems that they would have just killed her (but that's just a personal opinion, feel free to disregard).

Good job! I'll try to come back and read some more later.

Bek Mars--author of DarkStar, The Pearl of Aireland, and The Homeworld.

Have read up to chapter 10...planning on reading more... :D

Plot--Good. Well-paced. I like that you didn't overload us with information in the beginning, but instead are gradually revealing things about Clan culture and history. (Btw, LOVE the detail of the different cultures of the Clans--it's a sign of a well-planned story). Two things: beginning the story with a dream is slightly cliche, but it seems to be working for you, so you may be alright in starting with Jeru's vision. Second, If I were you (caution: opinion alert, feel free to disregard!), I would put Kelen's segment a little earlier in the story, perhaps right after Liana is recaptured? For my part, I always like to see the villain/antagonist as early in the story as possible in order to see what the hero/protagonist has to put up with for the rest of the story.

Characterization--Also good. I read the first 10 chapters in two sessions...and I came back for the second mainly because I wanted to see how Liana's predicament was going to turn out. The fact that I was interested enough in your characters to care about their welfare is a sign that you're doing characterization right. The only thing I would say is that it seems uncharacteristic of the Northmen to just leave Liana...it seems that they would have just killed her (but that's just a personal opinion, feel free to disregard).

Good job! I'll try to come back and read some more later.

Bek Mars--author of DarkStar, The Pearl of Aireland, and The Homeworld.

I've posted my feedback for your book in a separate e-mail, but I wanted to give my overall impressions here in case others might be on the fence about checking this out. It's fantastic. I enjoyed your other book, The Eagle's Gift, but I think this has a wider demographic and is much more polished (an indication of how much you're growing as a writer). Brilliant characterization, beautiful descriptions and a captivating plot lure the reader in.

This is definitely one to check out.
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Hi Dyane!
I've only read the first chapter but I couldn't wait to comment! I love this whole fantasy world you've created. You make the reader feel like they're actually there with Jeru and Alyah. The one thing I envy about your writing is your vivid descriptions. It comes almost naturally to you, it doesn't feel like you described things with superfluous details, but gave just enough for the reader to imagine it. Your dialogue flows well too. Obviously you're a better writer than me so I'm not able to give you "constructive criticism" but you can definitely count on another fan.

Highly starred, can't wait to keep reading! Good luck :)

I enjoyed reading this very much. I liked the way you put me into another world that I could see so clearly, but created a mystery surrounding it and Jeru. I'm giving it a high ranking. I hope you can come over and read some of my Christian book for young teens, Stopped Cold. I'd love to have a comment, ranking, or backing.

I've read "Eagle's Gift" in the past, but found it a little slow-paced for my taste, thus not commenting. As this one moves a bit faster, I feel I'm more able to give useful feedback. Like with your previous book, I quite enjoyed the grammatically sound writing, I'm guilty, myself, of writing faster than I think and it's nice to fing a person who has the spelling under control. Reading the first two chapters, I've enjoyed the lyrical flow of your writing, it reads very smoothly and I like how you cram as much informaiton as possible into the sentences, avoiding the common mistake of describing too heavily. One critique that I have for you is that the smoothness of your sentences also carries the danger of the writing being monotonous, you should try using shorter sentences to balance out your long ones, so the writing doesn't come off long-winded. This is especially true for the scene with the bats (which was very clever, for sure) - if you use shorter beats your writing will be more dramatic, making the reader more worried. The same, I feel, is true for you pitch - the information is very interesting, I see that you have quite a story planned, but the way it's delivered is a bit too smooth - try more drama, more risk-taking, this will improve your potential to get the readers attention without taking away from your style. The ending to your chapters could use a little work as in making the reader want to read one - the trick is to end each one with a little cliffer, to rouse interest for the next chapter. Try reading the chapter endings in the books that you enjoy, almost all writers employ this strategy to make the reader read on, you can also check the tools they're using to amp the drama in the action scenes. As the second chapter didn't carry many plot points, you should definitely see if you can tweak it to make the end more interesting. Overall, your writing is more than sound, you're obviously talented and I don't have a doubt in my mind that if you stick to this craft you'll find success.

Best of luck to you,

Elena - "Oko"

You have very good imagination. My only disappointment is that you have not posted all the chapters but I will be waiting. Good luck. "TO KILL A MAN TWICE"

Wow. That might be the best first line I have ever read. I loved the first sentence. I think I read it three times! Everything that comes after does not disappoint either. You have a gift for making the reader fall in love with your characters within a very short time, making the tragedy that befalls them all the more heart wrenching. You have an amazing gift for imagery and your smooth style and genuine dialogue makes this story a great read. Thanks so much for the opportunity to take a look at it. High stars and the best of luck with this one.

Have started to read a few chapters and can see why your receiving such positive comments. You have a really nice writing style and the descriptions and introducing of characters is spot on. Your on my WL and I'm looking forward to reading more. Highly starred!

I love the rhythm in your writing - phrases such as 'frothing falls filled,' 'graceful as gazelles,' and ' tapering trees stretched into the sky' are all very descriptive and fun to read.
I also love the way you introduce Jeru, he undergoes a traumatic experience that leads the reader to instantly empathise with him - a great way to start a story. And then perhaps Aliyah didn't die after all? Must keep reading.
Well done. Highly rated.

Chapter 3
Ooo! The plot thickens... Liana in love with Jeru and waiting for him to stop grieving for her dead sister...nice touch :)

A few mentions--
"(Onliest) the most important clan rituals were performed in it." --Did you mean only?

"People entered and exited the settlement by the tunnels leading from the (settlement) through the mountain to the forest beyond or to the sea." --you could take out the redundant second use of "settlement," it's not really needed since the entering and exiting bit makes it clear where the tunnels come from

"Now she understood the cause of the (sense of dread). The first time she had experienced a (sense of dread) this acutely, was the day Aliyah died." --perhaps a rewording of the second occurrence to something like ...experienced that kind of feeling/sensation/ill-feeling...could eliminate reusing the exact same phrase

Anyway, enough nit-picking! You're a good writer, really hitting your stride in 3. "She squeezed his calloused fingers as though they were the only thing anchoring her to the world"--love your prose!

"the wind stirred up the waves so that the sound of his broken heart was swallowed up by the roar of the sea"--oh that's great!

Eden Ashley
The Siren's Heart

Hi Dyane,

I read the first two chapters. I was very impressed with the quality of the writing and the pacing of the story.

I’ve always found dreams to be a tricky thing to write well, but the language you use to describe the opening has a lovely dream-like quality. There’s a great sense of foreboding about Aliyah’s fate on the slippery rocks.

Towards the end of the dream the narration is more like a concrete memory – does a dreamer feel the sting of icy water, muscles knotted in pain, etc…? I tend to associate dreams more with a numbness and inability to move, perhaps Jeru jumps in, but can’t catch up to Aliyah no matter how hard he swims. As I said, dreams are always tricky!

I like the details you use to show where Jeru wakes up, the type of bedding, walls, lighting the lamp with a flint, etc. The introduction of the raven haired woman is intriguing.

The scene in the inn is rendered really well. You have a great eye for details that make the world seem authentic; the dialogue is very credible. It’s a personal preference of mine, but I’m not a fan of when characters laugh and smile a lot through conversations and exchanges (that probably says more about me!) I sympathised with Jeru’s attempts to find oblivion in drink and herbs.

The intrusion of Lottie is well described, adding urgency to the narrative. I’m not sure Deni should have explained the purpose of the falcons – it struck me that was something everyone in the village would know. Perhaps the narrator could just explain it.

Again, Jeru’s pang watching Lark enter his warm family home is very effective in garnering sympathy, as is his loneliness and discomfort in his own home.

Sorry to only comment on the first few chapters. Hope to read more soon. Highly starred, I think it’s an excellent start.

Best of luck with it,
Andrew.
The Morning Drop

What a fantastic read!
I love the world of clans that you have created. Your characters and dialogue are fantastic. The apprehension you build around the coming of the Rovers is commendable, and I found myself unable to stop reading (until I realised the time!).
Also, I cannot flaw your grammar and punctuation, which makes a very welcome change.
Your description of action and violence is understated, but vivid and extremely effective.

In summary, I have to say that this may be the best fantasy submission that I've come across on this site, and one of the best submissions of any genre.

I am happy to back the story and give it six stars.


I only have one tiny niggle with your pitch:

“Consumed by nagging questions, guilt from the past, yet still daring to hope for the future”
I would use ‘and’ in place of a comma between ‘questions’ and ‘guilt’, as they are the only two things in the sentence that he is consumed by. Using a comma here makes us think the list of things he is consumed by will continue, disrupting the flow.

Thanks for sharing!

David Southam
Author of The Keeper of the Sightless Eye

Your use of imagery is great. I could easily imagine the newly Joined couple stepping over the rocks into the falls. And I felt the chemistry between them.
In the opening chapter, I know you're trying to communicate their love and attraction but the eye action seemed to get a bit overused--Her eyes glowed at him as she asked. Knowing his eyes twinkled at her in the way she liked. He gazed into her almond eyes. She flashed her eyes at him.
In chapter 2, Jeru has the thought--Drink might not take them away but it might take the edge off a little.--Since he obviously has a habit of drinking too much as stated in chapter one, it'd make more sense if he acknowledged that he drinks to take the edge off, by thinking--Drink might not take them away but it took the edge off--or something like that.
And that's as far as I got because Authonomy started acting glitchy. I'll be back for more (hopefully helpful) comments. Overall, poetic writing! and interesting read :)

Eden

The Purple Morrow - Dyane Forde
This story opens beautifully! Lovely imagery...magical...haunting...dreamy...and mysterious! I've read the first two chapters and enjoy both. The writing is almost flawless, imo. Below are the few things that seemed to need addressing. I look forward to reading more of this story and also, seeing this book move quickly up the ranks!

Chapter one: I only found two little things that stood out. Otherwise, this is a great opening to the story, vivid and surreal at the same time as it introduces the MC in a clever way.
**************
- Silver Falls. The lush forest....filled the air with crystal-like water droplets....while the cascading water....(Suggest removing the first use of water here as it's used in the next sentence and will be fine as: "filled the air with crystal-like droplets.)
- Aliyah paused not far from the....the Water clan to which she had belonged...("had" is used later in the sentence, but either way, I'd recommend removing the first "had", IE: to which she belonged. IMO, it will read smoother.)

Chapter two: Enter into the local scene and discover only a bit of information which only leads to more questions... Well done!
***************
- The rush of words seemed to animate....Nothing he had tried to stop the dreams had helped. (This sentence is slightly problematic imo, and need rearranging, something like: Nothing he had tried so far, had helped to stop the dreams.... Or something like this...)
- Jeru continued down the road, his eyes trained....To him, though it had four walls and a roof his was not a home, not a proper abode. (In this last sentence, I think at least a comma is needed here: ...and a roof (,) his was not a home.... See what you think.)

The Purple Morrow. A more atmospheric title than the first, and full of mystery.
Dyane - I've reviewed this before, but I see you have changed it, so will start again.

Ch.1. The Dream. So atmospheric and vivid, and the beautiful name Aliyah. (It's a pity she dies in the very first chapter!). Your writing has improved, and I have only noticed a couple of nits this time.
'The shot hurt...' That stopped me. I thought you meant a gunshot, until I read the paragraph again. Perhaps you should change it to 'blow' or something like that?
I dont think you need 'When he saw she followed easily behind' after he turned back to look at her.
Nor do you need 'on either of their parts', where the river surges at their feet.
It is always best to refine away the repetitions in meaning, showing what has happened ismuch better.
His skin leaking anxiety from his pores. A great metaphor.
This is an excellent chapter. Very dramatic, with a strong hook to make the reader click onwards.

Ch.2. We are allowed a glimpse of backstory, through the easy-flowing dialogue, but the growing mystery of the dream remains, and a new problem emerges. Your writing has matured considerably.

Ch.3. Perhaps you should break up those first three paragraphs. It's easier on the eye.
The mystery of the dream is being unveiled in an imaginative fashion - great technique. And I can feel the pathos as the sound of Quentin's broken heart is swallowed by the roar of the sea.

Dyane, you have a very promising book here, and what a changefrom before! Isnt authonomy a great find!

More stars this time, and I hope you enjoy the change in mine.

Jane (Breath of Africa)

Dyane:

I have gladly put this on my bookshelf. I am still in awe of this work. THIS is literature!

My sister Faith highly recommended your book, The Purple Morrow. I'm happy to put it on my shelf.

Wow Dyane!!!!

What an amazing, amazing gift you have for evocative description! This book is the perfect marriage of poetry and prose!

Blessings and may this book fine explosive success!

James

Dear Dyane,

Wow! This is beautifully written! My only regret here is that I haven't read your work sooner. You have a lovely way with words...a truly beautiful style.

I was hooked after the first chapter and continued to read through chapter three. The opening was filled with such wonderful descriptions, yet it was not overly bogged down with them. Your sensory images have completely constructed this story into a fine piece of literature (ie: "raven-haired, walnut-eyed," the waterfalls "silvery contents").

Your attention to structural detail caught my eye as well. Although it may seem like a small thing to some, I absolutely love your chapter titles. I scanned all of them, and I must say, they are perfectly inviting!

I am not usually the biggest fan of fantasy, but I think you may have changed my mind. I am starring this highly today and holding The Purple Morrow on my WL for further reading. A beautiful piece.

All the very best,
Faith Rose
Now To Him

The Purple Morrow – Book One.
By Dyane Ford.


‘The dream stole into Jeru’s mind with the sweetness of a lover’s kiss’.
‘The veil of darkness faded as sunlight effaced it with a wash of gold’.
Two lovely lines of writing here, in the first paragraph of the first chapter.
I could read lines like this all day, they’re so descriptive, with a touch of poetry...I love it!
You give excellent description throughout which makes your book an exciting and interesting read.
I’ve read the first chapter and dipped into others, I’m taken in by your writing style which I like very much. You are a good writer in my opinion and will go far.
I did notice a couple of errors, nothing much and I hope you will accept them as trying to be helpful:-

...Her eyes glowed at him as she asked, “Well, are you going to carry me across?”...Lower case (well).
...When they broke apart, she said, ”Alright! You’ve had your head start...Lower case (alright).
I was confused when Jeru woke up. His pallet was wet from tears...I find out shortly later that you are referring to a wooden pallet used for sleeping on.
I think this needs to be explained more – just my thoughts, sorry.

Lots of stars and on my list for backing shortly. Nicely done, Dyane!!

Kind regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

I've just finished speed reading the whole story, and I must say I could have carried on reading if there was more!

I did notice one or two typo's or other grammatical or narrative errors, but I can't remember where they all are, the only one I can think of now is when you use 'southerns' instead of 'southerners'. Some of your sentence construction leaves a lot to be desired too, you just need to read it all through aloud to yourself & I'm sure you'll pick up on these things.

I'm not really into romantic stories, & I'm afraid I thought your over emphasis on this aspect of the story spoilt it a bit for me. You have a good solid plot line, & you take the reader along with you nicely, I just think it needs a little more depth to the story. Keep working on it though & I wish you well.

Best Wishes
Pam Balsdon
The King's Blessing

I normally only have time to read the first chapter when I read books. This book caught me by surprise and I got to chapter five which is a good thing because I am busy writing my first novel. I am new at this but this book is beautifully written and I love all the characters in it. I will read more and gladly back your book. thanks for sending me the friendly message and I will continue to read and let you know what I Think :)!

I've read the first three chapters and can see an intriguing story starting to take root. Your writing is beautifully descriptive, creating a vivid and colourful atmosphere. Good enough for my bookshelf.

Ronald J Barber

From reading Chapter 1, I must say that I'm impressed with your ability to describe both the setting and the situation. Your writing was elegant yet simple and easy to follow, which seems, to me, to give it a wider audience. I didn't find any particular grammar or spelling mistakes in your writing, which is a huge plus while I'm reading a book. Mistakes like that can be incredibly distracting and take away from the story, but in the Purple Morrow, I was able to concentrate on the story itself. :)

Overall, I think this is a wonderful read, and I'm glad to have come upon it by chance. I look forward to see where it goes.

Happy writing!
~H. D. Hunter

I've read chapter 9 and 18 and wow. Wow wow.

Chapter 9 is a thousand times better. It really fills out their relationship so much more. It makes his fear that is expressed again in 18 so much more real to the reader. It was poetic and beautifully written.

Chapter 18 was very interesting. I understand a lot more of who Jeru is and is role in this universe you have created. I understand the political dynamics between the two lands. I don't want to say I was confused, but I did finish the chapter feeling like I needed to reread it to make sure I understood everything, but that isn't necessarily bad. There was just a lot of info. But, in order for the Hero to go on the Quest, he needs to understand what his role is and who he is. I don't know if you've read the Sword of Truth series, but I would suggest reading at least the beginning of Wizards First Rule. It has a few chapter in which the main character learns his role and what his quest is and why. It could help and give you some inspiration. (They are amazing books too, so you could just try them for fun, lol).

Overall, though, I love the additions and I love where this is going. Jeru is finally free, or freeish, to be with Liana (yay!).

Typoes:
Chapter 9-
Cover his mouth with her hand= I assume you meant her mouth with her hand
Sounds of childlren playing... sounded around them =redundant
Became more clearer= delete more
Chapter 18-
to conquered= i think its that conquered (i can't find where I saw that)
Relishing to coolness= the coolness
Twice you bring up that Jeru is lying down and jumping to his feet, but we never see him go down.

I really love the new additions. You should be proud! The story is getting better and better the more you work on it. Well done!

Kat

Good title, and perfectly drawing pitch for your book.
It is a very interesting read. Your descriptions are well formed. The dream becomes real to the reader and draws people on to read what is going on. The dialog is nicely created with reality in it.
I didn't see any mistakes, so that is really good.
Grand work on your book.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

This is a pretty good read. I am going to keep it on my WL so I can keep reading.
I love how you captured his loneliness. I felt really sorry for him and pictured fog blowing from his slightly parted lips when Jeru got home in Chapter 2. Part of me wished his friend, Lark and Wendry would invite him to stay with them. Poor Jeru is both metaphorically an physically.

I like how you discuss Erne. I was able to picture everything clearly in my head. I don't think everyone is a Viking in this story, but for some reason, that's how I see them. You didn't leave much to question as far as setting. I am questioning what will happen with Liana, will she get over hoping for Jeru.

Looking forward to continuing the read.

-Aliah
Her Demise

Read though 8 chapters of your story. It's well written with a few twists and turns. I found the order of the first and second chapters made sense to me.
.
Chapter 7 : The paragraphs where Liana is first found by Jehu….would she really notice the sun and his muscles and want him after being raped by Rovers and watching her family die before her eyes? Right before Jehu found her, she's laying in the mud and doesn't even have the strength to crawl to the water, which she can see from where she's lying. He has to unfold her limbs.... I just don’t think that wanting Jehu, or anything for that matter, would happen. I think it would take a while before she would hide a smile because his arms were around her. Maybe that could be put into another part of the story

I am wondering what their adventure will hold. I hope Liana gets to kill the Rover who raped her. I like your descriptions of Rovers. They remind me of what the Vikings must have seemed like to the Britians. I like Mara, the old wise woman and the legend of the butterfly, which I wonder,,,,is it Aliyah?
Highly starred and watchlisted! Blessings! Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

(SPOILERS: for people reading reviews, there are spoilers in this comment)
Book swap review:

Alright, so I’ll be reading chapter 1 and 5 as we discussed. Now, I make notes as I read, and I make the notes as a reader. I’m not an editor, or an agent. I react very quickly to things, so if there’s something that makes me go “huh?” or “hm….” you’ll hear about it. Hopefully you find something useful out of this review. I’ll try not to comment too much on continuity since I’m skipping a few chapters, so if there are points I make about chapter 5 that are resolved in earlier chapters, feel free to disregard those notes. Feel free to ignore all of them, if you wish. Okay, here goes!

Chapter 1
- I like the first paragraph, that isn’t really a dream, but is. However, I don’t really like the last two lines rhyming. For me it takes away from the seriousness and the nostalgic atmosphere of the moment.
- I don’t think both “graceful’ and ‘agile’ are needed. One of them is good enough, or even neither since the metaphor of a gazelle usually invokes both of those qualities.
- I love your writing so far, so it really, really pains me to say this: Ugh, are you kidding me? I’m sorry, but that memory was so painfully cliché. Newlyweds about to consummate their marriage. Of course she dies! I knew it was going to happen as soon as the dream began, but I had hoped that you would surprise me and go against the grain. You make it much too obvious that she’s going to die. Take out the part where Jeru tells her how to cross the stones. Like she said, she doesn’t need instruction. Don’t foreshadow further by saying how people had fallen in at that point. That pretty much confirmed it for me, rather than hinted at it.
- He just woke up….of course he didn’t know he had been crying.
- “He noticed that his skin had stopped leaking his anxiety through his pores.” I love that. What a wonderful way to say that he had stopped sweating. Beautiful.
- At last, he rose from his bed. But….he’s already been out of bed. Did he fall back asleep between this paragraph and the one before?

Chapter 5
- Well, I’m glad to see that your style hasn’t changed since the first chapter. I absolutely love your style of writing with the careful and flowing description. Wonderful.
- The second sentence of the second paragraph: holy crap, what a monster! Definitely chop it up.
- Why would it be unusual for his house to not have a feminine touch? If people knew him, they would know there isn’t a woman around. You could, instead, say that it was unusual for a house within the clan to not have a feminine touch, which you do somewhat. But you can’t say it’s unusual for his house since it is, actually, quite usual for him.
- I had to go back and figure out who Shama was, because you kept referring to him as Elder for the most part.
- To be honest, with how this chapter is unfolding, I’m wondering what actually happened in the chapters I skipped. I’m not lost whatsoever. I’m not so sure that’s a good thing.
- I wonder though, were they truly ‘Joined’ if they never had the chance to consummate the ‘marriage’? Could Leader and Elder not argue that?

I have to say that I absolutely love your style of writing. It flows so smoothly and delicately that I hardly notice myself being swept along. I really regret that the first chapter I reviewed was so cliché, though. As much as I love your book, I really have to wonder where this is going. I read Chapter 5, and it honestly feels as though I haven’t missed anything. I skimmed through the chapters I skipped and obviously there’s more of the plot in there as well as the introduction to more characters.

I think that perhaps you could bring a bit more depth into chapter 5. Your chapters are a good length (which is refreshing to see on this site. Most chapters are dreadfully short) but there was quite a bit which could have been condensed in this chapter. With your style of writing, you can weave so much more into it.

I hope you find something useful from my comments.
- Nichole

Ok I've read Chapter 1 and I can say I enjoyed it. I found Jeru's loneliness interesting, especially as he is "the most handsome of the Clan" (and not lacking in female interest) - I guess this must be the foundation of the tale, why he has chosen to live alone. From reading the comments I gather that this piece is a work-in-progress, so I have listed a number of my recommendations below. Feel free to use them or ignore as you choose.

You write well but sometimes you need to consider the alternatives for a word and consider whether your choice is right in that situation - not just the meaning, but whether or not it works well with the rest of the words in the sentence. And of course there are a few minor grammatical errors in there too, which are easily remedied. I'm giving this 5 stars based on what I've seen so far and added to my WL; will read some more. I hope you'll find the time to check out "Tamria."

James


Don't think you need the "Lark asked" at the start. How about: "'You had the dream again, didn't you?' Lark took a long swig of ale..."

"sat across the table from him" - lose the "from him" and this sentence flows better. Also "best friend" doesn't need to be hyphenated. "Jeru eyed his best friend, who sat across the table with his beefy hands folded in his lap." I think that's an improvement

"drawing away his attention" - how about "drawing his attention"; not sure how attention can be "drawn away"

"and on seeing..." - I think "upon seeing" is technically accurate

"...almost shouting to make himself heard" - I think a better phrasing would be: "Lark said, shouting to be heard above the background din" (or something like that)

"he had to strain to hear him" - how about "he had to strain to catch his words"

"toasted each others health" - apostrophe needed in "others

"Lark gestured with his chin at the two men" - is this better? "Lark flicked his chin at the two men" - that's more economical IMO

"... barley spoke" - Barley is a person so his name needs a capital

"vigorously nod his agreement" - "vigorously nod agreement" works better, I think

"When will they give up and just accept..." - Surely this is your character's thought so it needs to be italicised?

"Jeru amended" - I think you mean "apologised". "Amended" is when you accept correction

"amusement gleamed in his green eyes" - I like this! Good use of alliteration

"his friend was trying to decided" - should be "trying to decide"

"He watched as Lark drummed his fingers on the table before reading for the refill Millie had brought him and downing the contents with gusto" - insert a comma after "brought him", take out the "and", you'll see the sentence flows better. Also, I think "drink with gusto" is a bit over-used, maybe something different?

"indicating his desired for another" - should be "desire for another"

"the inspiration soon fizzled from his thoughts" - you don't need the "soon", you've already said it fizzles before he puts the mug back on the table

"not the rigorous exercises..." - I think "nor" is more appropriate

"Sighing his relief" - maybe either "Sighing relief" or "Sighing in relief"

"so that almost immediately the room quieted" - reads a bit clumsy; a better phrasing: "so that the room fell silent almost at once"

"The cold outside air that breezed into the place" - my proposed alternative: "The cold waft of the breeze from outside provoked the fire..."

"the flames settled down" - how about "the flames retreated" or better yet "the tongues shrank back"

"Millie cried on exiting the kitchen" - 1, you used "exited" not long ago; use a different word. "left" is more conventional. 2, in this context "upon" is better than "on", 3, rather than using this structure, I recommend the simpler: "Miller cried, as she left the kitchen." Simplicity is usually beauty. (I admit I don't always follow this rule myself - I have a penchant for flowery sentence structure, but only occasionally.)

"Jeru could understand her reaction" - maybe "understood her reaction"

"bleary eyed" - hyphenate: "bleary-eyed"

"wore no shoes" - "forgotten his shoes" ?

"The atmosphere in the tavern immediately changed" - what's wrong with using "suddenly"?

"Jeru's answer was swift, definitive" - either "swift, definite" or (in my opinion) le mot juste, "swift, decisive"

"As this proved useless in getting the crowd's attention" - this is more economical and better: "As this failed to grab the crowd's attention"

"verbalized their assents" - this is a case of using two big words when smaller ones would serve just as well: "voiced their agreements" sounds so much better

"'But there is also the chance the message might be about something else'" - I would say: "'But it is entirely possible the message may be about something else'"

"'So I will go and make sure'" - how about: "'So I will go and try to ascertain the truth'", or something similar

"Several hands rose in the air" - lose the "in the air": "Several hands rose." Or maybe "Several hands crept up", to imply uncertainty, indecision

"'Leader will have better news to bring us'" - "'better news for us'" ?

"Though Lark's words were meant to encourage, Jeru could plainly see he did not believe his own words" - better: "Though Lark's words were meant to sound encouraging, Jeru could tell he plainly didn't believe them."

"walked the road to their homes" - "trudged the road to their homes" ?

"It felt to him as he drew his home..." - better: "It seemed to him"

"A testimony revealing his loneliness to all" - tautology; how about: "A testament to his loneliness"

"A constant reminder of what had been so cruelly denied him" - maybe "A constant reminder of that which had been cruelly denied him"

"No light waited to welcome him back" - "No light shone out to welcome him back"

"It'd been five years since he'd been coming home to an empty hut, the only man of age in the clan to do so..." - here's a better phrasing: "For five years his life had been like this. He was only man of age in the Clan who chose to alone. That was how he lived. That was how he worked. That was how he expected to die."

"The hoot of an owl sounded from the woods" - how about: "The hoot of an owl rang shrill from the woods..."

"Jeru swallowed back the rush of sadness" - I think just "swallowed the rush of sadness"

"Darkness opened its arms to him" - I like this phrase but in this case I think a more simple "Darkness enveloped him" would be more effective

"like a man devoid of hope" - change this simile to a metaphor, that's more powerful: "he threw himself into it, a man devoid of hope" - possible alternative: "bereft of hope". Think that sounds even ebtter

"lay himself down on it" - you don't need the "on it"; this is unnecessary verbal baggage (which, I admit, I am also prone to at times) - just cut to a pithy: "lay himself down"

"conflicted sleep" - I like this combination of words but it they don't seem right for the end of the chapter. Probably because "conflicted" contains three syllables, and it draws attention to itself. Something more conventional like "troubled sleep", maybe? Or even "worried sleep." And instead of "fell" how about "sank." That produces an alliterative effect, the repetitiion of the "s" sound: "sank into a troubled sleep"

Dyane,

I have reread chapter 7 and I do like it a lot better. I think there is a lot more emotion and it has filled out the characters a bit more. I loved the paragraph where Jeru thinks back on Liana as a child. I think that creates a great base for their relationship. I also thought it interesting that he realizes, after seeing her as an adult, that it is her in his dream!Idont remember if that is new or not, but I like it!

I do have one suggestion. I think you should do a page break after "he was here and all she wanted to do was die" then pick up in Jeru's POV. That will add even more depth. Most of the chapters are in Jeru's POV, so actually seeing and feeling his reaction first hand instead of through Liana's eyes would really bring the reader deeper into Jeru's feelings and might add more clarity to his feelings later on in the story.

Just a thought! But I love the rewrites. I also LOVE the first paragraph of the chapter. It's beautiful and really vivid. It brings the reader in and makes the reader feel her despair and pain.

Kat

I just finished 3 chapiers and I must say this is a well written, easy to read.enjoyable story. It not only earned high ratings from me , but a spot on my shelve. GREAT JOB.I already have your autograph. LOL

I LOVE your pitch. It captured my attention full force. I will surely read your book, and if its as good as your pitch, i'll probably back it.
Alexandra
"Saint's Quest"

PURPLE MORROW
This is a good story. Jeru is a good main character because the love of his life has been taken from him. I like the way you don’t take the time to describe the tavern in the first chapter, just infuse aspects of it such as the heavy oak door, the type of plate, etc, as you go. Lets a reader know what things look like yet doesn’t slow down your story. If I had a problem it was that I didn’t know if the falcon who delivered the message was a real falcon, or is that the name of a neighboring tribe? Either way, this is a good read. I’m adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

THE PURPLE MORROW by Dyane Forde

CHAPTER 1
Not a bad first paragraph. I do, however, really like how you start off with that dream line. I would consider thinking about introducing Jeru. You just go right in there and say his name in the second sentence without telling us anything about him. The second I read his name I was like wait a minute, stop reading, who is this and why aren’t you describing who this person. It’s like this is a sequel so you figure you don’t have to explain everyone. i know you say Jeru is Lark’s friend and you tell us a little about these two down below but it comes off at first as though Lark is the main character AND for those first two sentences you need to make it clear who is who. You do not want to confuse the reader at all in the very beginning. That’s very important. ex. you can start off by saying: Jeru’s best friend, Lark, set his mug of ale . . . Not saying you should write this unless it works for you and you get what I mean and you can probably come up other ways of showing the reader who is the MC and describing the two guys.

If the brief scene with Milie is not important (though I see that Millie is used later on), then I would get rid of it. The main focus of chapter one is to get the reader pulled in and what’s pulling me is the dream. Even while I was reading the small talk I was thinking okay let’s go back to the dream. I guess that’s good and bad. So it’s up to you if you want to keep it.

I wouldn’t use italics on ‘be’.

I LOVE the paragraph: ‘It’d been five years since he’d been coming home . . ‘

What I would work on in this chapter is to trim down things you think aren’t the main focus of the chapter or story. But great ending to the chapter.

CHAPTER 2
A very good chapter, much better than the first. It flows and reads how I would like your story to read. Sure sometimes your great description is a bit much but it’s not too the point where I want to tell you to tone it down, and because I’m getting into your story I like the description. If I didn’t, then I would have said trim down the chapter.

I almost think you should either REALLY shorten chapter 1 or start with chapter 2 and delete chapter 1 completely. I just think this chapter is so much better and pulls you in right away. I know you would hate me for saying that though it’s just a thought. Because of this chapter you get 6 stars. No doubt. It’s just so good that it confuses me why the first chapter has a FEW bumps when this was is almost perfect.

Sorry I didn’t have much to say but sometimes some stories it’s hard for me to comment on while others it’s easier. And it has nothing to do with how good or bad it is. But this is a good one. Just work on the first chapter a bit because the second one is near perfection.

Hey There,


Thought I would read the revised 17 before I went to bed. I have to be up at 545 for the AM shift at work (which is why i haven done much reading or commenting on the weekends. I'm too tired!) and I wanted to wind down.

Anyway! I really like the revisions. It reads smoother than before. The beginning was still a little clunky, but much more vivid and poignant than before. I liked this revision a lot. I still think it is a great end to the book if you want to end it here. I found a couple of typos but didnt write them down since I didnt have any paper by my bed and I was too into the chapter by then to get up and get some. :)

I liked the additions to the beginning, though I do think you could still slim it down a little, maybe cut out some sentences here or there. but that is simply my opinion! Do what feels true to you!

Kat

P.S. all the chapters have been revised, so whenever your read on, everything will be up to date! Though im sure there will still be copious typos. lol

Hey Dyane!!

I just read chapters 16 and 17.

I really enjoyed 16 a lot more. I think you added some more depth to the story and to Lianna. We saw got another glimpse from inside her mind. There was more confusion added by her reactions, which makes the triangle of looovve go deeper. I do think you could add a thought or something to Lianna's reaction about Jeru, maybe as her mind screamed He came for me, her mouth cried, Is he alive? or something. that would create more realism and play up the insecurities about their relationship that she had dwelled on a few paragraphs before.

Two Typoes:
surprised edge... revealing her surprise= a little redundant.
pole she vulnerable= she was vulnerable

Chapter 17 is very very interesting. We final get answers about Jeru, but also finish the chapter with more chapters than before. I think if you do want to close the book and continue in the next book, you could end with this chapter. It would get the reader to read the next book so they could find out what a Papilionoidea is!!!!

I felt like this chapter read a little clunky. It didn't flow as smoothly as your other chapters did. I'm not sure how to specifically point out where to smooth it out. I think it was mainly word choice like, "opened his mouth and blared" sirens blare, people don't blare. What could be interesting, would be to write the flashback with a more dream-like quality. For example, the paragraph abou digging his nails into the dirt was really poignant. It stuck out in my mind. I don't know if this makes sense at all, but it's like he is reliving it, every detail, and it creates so many emotions in him that he remembers even the smallest detail, like a flower that was blooming on the bush that they hid behind or that Mara was wearing a green shawl. Just a thought.

There were some redundancies like "cocked her eyebrow at him and looked at him." I think you should shorten the beginning when he looks at his house and then see Mara and then add more to the flash back.

Yay!! Glad you have the new chapter up! sorry it took me a while to look at it, my bf had the stomach flu and I had to nurse his baby self back to health. :)~

Kat

The list: great voice, style, good mix of dialogue and narrative. Writing is to the point. The story unfolds with great pacing. Please give my work a read entitled: The Butterfly and the Boll Weevil. Comment and shelf for a while please.

You have used some wonderful descriptions in your text, that have helped develop a great picture of the places you have created.
I like the way the story is building and the inter-twining of the lives of some of the characters.
I did find a couple of typos (can't remember what they were now though - sorry) but I found your syle gripping and smooth to read.
Good luck with this!
Mike.
(Rudolf Goes Bananas)

Ugh!! I FINALLY get to see whats in the pouch and i have NO idea what it is.. Booooo. But I get it, it's a teaser and a good one! (still, I boo).

A couple of comments/thoughts:
ecklberry. What does that smell like? It sounds gross. Come up with a smell, maybe something bitter or stinky, to add more light heartedness to the moment.
I loved the voice comment from Liana upon hearing Kelen. Does he speak to her in her language when he comes into the hut or does she understand Rover?
I thought she should be more surprised about Jeru. I would be panicked if some maniac who had raped me and then kidnapped me again had mentioned the man I love.
Concerning Kelen rapping Liana. I know that he did it, but I guess I don't understand why. SInce her first kidnap, you've made Kelen a likeable antagonist. I think you need to add something about the rape that makes him forgivable. Maybe he looks back on it with shame because he was drunk out of his mind? I just feel like the person that grabbed her from a tree and brought her back to his camp is a different person than the Kelen we know now. You know what I mean? There needs to be a connection and a kind of forgivable reason that he raped her.
Fracas? Not sure it works that well with your prose. It isn't commonly used, but I did love to learn it! i love new vocab. :)

typoes:
Grace she had shown her= he had shown her
already being care for= already being cared for

great new addition! every chapter that you add about Kelen makes me root for him more and more. And i think Liana could be thinking along the same lines I am :)

Kat

Hi Dyane,
The first two chapters are excellent. About "Elder" and "Leader" - it seems like these would be better as titles with each having another name. At least I'd think they would each have a name before they became "Leader" and "Elder". This does not distract much and may be fine as it is.
"Joining attire..." I'd suggest calling it her joining clothes, something not as stiff as "attire".
Having a room full of known characters builds a real sense of a world around your main characters in the bar.

The story reads well and moves along. The conversations are smooth and feel natural. I am certainly feling my sympathies for the guy. I'll try andread a little more soon.

Hope you survived Christmas and the New Year in reasonable shape.

I like the title of your first chapter right off the bat. It's interesting. I like your character names and you create a good opening image. Your style of voice is interesting. There is some great pacing and progression, along with some good dialogue. I think this will be a great piece once you have completed it to your liking. I wish you the best of luck on reaching the Editor's Desk.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

The narrative flows well and the dialogue and interactions are natural, all of which combines to immerse the reader thoroughly in the text. Descriptions are good: the Imagery is sharp and textures are evocative. An enjoyable read. There is definitely a market for this work.

A couple of narrative points:
- Chapter 2 needs to begin with some indication that this is a prologue. Otherwise the reader is searching for clues as to why Jeru ends Chapter 1 lovelorn and begins Chapter 2 happily married. Put the reader at their ease and let them enjoy the writing, instead.
- Chapter 2, sentence beginning after '...treacherous.' I felt this was an unnecessary repeat of the already well established fact that there is potential danger. It damages the flow of the action.

I noticed a few procedural errors: typos, etc, which I will send in a separate message.

The Purple Morrow - by Dyane Forde
This is one of the best works I have encountered on this site. The writing is clear and efficient, and the pace is even and moving smoothly. I especially like how you intermix dialog and narrative, just enough of both, nothing over done.
Lots of stars and I am backing this.

P Alan Davis
The Red Poppy
Raindancer

I"m finally getting around to checking this out, sorry it took so long. It was definitely worth the wait.

You do a great job of setting the scene in chapter one, I was in that loud room with them. I think I'm going to like Jeru, something about him just got to me. The story progresses well from there, I really didn't have much to nitpick at. I found myself involved and I'll come back to it when I can.

I think you have another winner here. Your other book was wonderful and I see this one following the same path. You're a talented writer and know how to paint a picture. I know that sounds too glowy but it's true!

I'll shelve this soon!
Missy