Love In The Coffin

Hi, Hurefo–this is an unforgivably late review from AudreyB. I recently audited my comments and discovered I owed TWENTY TWO reciprocal reviews. I am filled with shame. On the other hand, my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag, never feels shame. If I say anything you don’t like, it was probably her idea.

As I read your pitches, your genre (Literary Fiction) and your tags, I am not sure what to expect. “Love in the Coffin” sounds more like a thriller or mystery title. The tags further support the thriller genre. One thing is certain: I’m going to read a book unlike any other I’ve read here on Authonomy.

Beautiful quote from Walt Whitman.

Something I love about reading is that I get to visit places all over the world. I immediately sense that your book is set in a location unfamiliar to me. I would love it if you included more detail about the appearance of this place. Its sounds , its smells. Who is on the bus with the lovers? What is the driver like? Did they go from a city to a rural area? What is the weather like?

“…hang like a helpless monkey.” This is a wonderful image. As is “…where the giant hizal tree dropped its small pink flowers on the river silently…” Your ms includes a number of other lovely images yet overall I suspect that English is not your first language. You use it remarkably well in many spots yet the meaning is obscured in a few others. “Her hair was the shadow to be lost in.” Really, these are lovely pictures.

Are your characters Arabic? I think the market is wide open for characters who are Arabic and/or Muslim. You might consider adding more information about your setting to help clarify who your characters are for the reader.

Wishing you all the best with your ms, and I apologize again for taking so long to return your read.
~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

I read a couple of chapters and was drawn in and intrigued right away by the love story. I had a bit of trouble following sometimes because of the past events and suddenly being in the present again. It was a bit confusing since I was so into the past story :) Overall though, I thought it was pretty good.

Hi Hurefo,

Thought I'd drop by for a couple of chapters of "Love in the Coffin" and enjoyed the read very much. Some of the images you evoke in your writing are fantastic and some of the most powerful and beautiful I've read on Authonomy eg. "She threw hatred at him with her eyes" "Passengers exchanged hot words with the driver.." Those images have a bit of Gabriel Garcia Marquez about them -they are very, very good! I think you need to go over this and get a stronger narrative thread -plan out the story -it reads a little like a stream of conscoiusness ( a beautiful stream!) at the moment. If you can shape the story more, your brilliant images will have more cohesion within the overall plot.

You have a lot of talent - keep polishing -great writing is never finished!
5 stars for now

Best,
Kaal Kaczmarek

Cousin Felicity and the Eels of Misty Point

Your story is very intersting. I had some problems following along and had to re-read, I just had to get use to your writing style. I'm not good at editing, but as a reader I can see a lot of promise in this story!

Jill

Reality

A beautiful, violent love story, set in a world which has very different rules and customs from Western ones. The language is stark, poetic, and compelling. A little editing is needed to make it publishable - but very little.

regards, Rosemary

Very interesting tale. Like a twisted kind of love story. Different and original. My only criticism is the POV (point of view). You switch from the thoughts of one main character to another which can be confusing at times. Overall, liked it very much. Could be truly great with some added polish.
Dina of HOTD and Bad Juju

I enjoyed this story - I felt that the human realtionships and emotions were very well potrayed and realistic and the writing style had a nice pace and rhytmn to it. Overall it was a great piece and I wish you good luck.

I was intrigued to read this book purely on the title. I think you have something good here. I particulary like the fact you keep the reader guessing on the first chapter which would entice us to read more. I will be happy to put on my WL. Keep writing and good luck. kelly

You have good conflict and passion here. It just takes too long to get into the flow of the story and understand your characters and settings. There is a lack of depth in setting and details about the characters in the opening chapter that makes it difficult to understand.

There is great promise here, but I suggest you do some editing to clarify the action in the first chapter. Things are more clear by the second chapter. I will put this on my shelf.

Brian Bandell
Mute

Thanks for inviting me to read your story. I have just finished Chapter 3. My thoughts are that you have a creative and crafty talent as an author. I really had a difficult time during your first two chapters. I didn't get enough grounding. There's a lot of narration. You can tell a story three ways: narration, description, and dialogue. You are practically all narration for the first two chapters. Chapter three really showed some improvement. I had some difficulty pinning down your setting. Regardless of how well you understand your subject matter, your reader doesn't have your advantages. You have passion at the core of your story, but you offer little description of your charachers' physical attributes. That description seems necessary since you rely on romance to create interest.

I love your writing style. You have a free-wheeling way of spinning words into sentences. It flows well and is easy to read. Your love of metaphor and abstract references is at times entertaining, and at times it seems to throw the reader off. Altogether, your story has merit. I will try to get back and give your more input in time. For now, I would like you to consider rewriting your opening because you leave the reader hanging for two chapters. Your strength, the ability of focus in the moment, is also a weakness. I had a hard time getting grounded in your setting, and the goals of the characters are abstract. I can't get a foundation on what anyone wants. The tension you create with the love them and leave them suspense is effective. It will keep me reading your story, but I am still uncertain about the nature of your setting because fantasy elements seem intertwined with the real world, so a time and place has evaded me completely. I like the way you write, but I would like to see a little more discipline in terms of plot and setting. Good luck to you. I would really appreciate even a short comment on my book, The Magic of Fren. Thanks again for contacting me. I am at your service if you would like any more suggestions. I am very curious about your other books. I hope to get back with you soon.

Keep writing . . .
Richie C

Very suspenseful! Happy to back your work. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown.
61BBboy

Good start. Some nice pacing, and your voice comes off right at the start. It's a different rhythm then I am used to, but it works. I do feel in some spots it is a little confusing, the start of the first chapter was a little odd for me and I might consider looking over some of the adverbs and seeing if you could take them out and describe some of the scenes differently. I think it would help your flow. Good character names and interesting idea. I wish you the best of luck.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

Backed Love In The Coffin. Read Chapter 1. Will be back for more later. Great job of building the suspension and keeping the reader wanting to find out more about the family feud. Lots of questions making reader wanting to find out the answers: What was the lover’s quarrel about? Why had she denied his manage proposal? Who are the guardians? Chapter ending compels the reader to turn the page to discover the answers.

We just revised using suggestions from readers on Authonomy. It was a great help to us. When you decide to edit we have a few suggestions.

Chapter 1
Paragraph 6: Bilas kept insisting on changing her mind but she wept all the way back home.- Need a coma- Bilas kept insisting on changing her mind, but she wept all the way back home.
Paragraph 12: Goodbye is one word, Need a comma-He could say goodbye at Joy restaurant but he had ….. Should be written as- He could say goodbye at Joy Restaurant, but he had …..
Paragraph 15: Fingerprint is one word. Needed a comma-…felt the fingerprint on her cheek but when she looked…. Should be written as- “felt the fingerprint on her cheek, but when she looked….
Paragraph 17: Her heart was breaking down to say him n-should be written as- Her heart was breaking down to say no to him.

Our two book trailers are finally complete. Please go to the two links below. Watch and leave a comment. We are interested in which people like best.

Video book Trailer
http://youtu.be/NaNbrDf7VgI

Graphic Books Trailer
http://youtu.be/ZuALZ76nVII

Good luck on Authonomy. Hope you will find time to take a look at our book book, Dark Side.
CC Brown

I've just read two chapters and have to echo some of the sentiments expressed by previous commenters, in that some of your phrasing is a little confusing. I also wondered whether English was your first language?
Having said this, i must say that you have a slightly idiosyncratic writing style that i like very much. It's passionate, individual and intense. You write like you dont censor yourself, and i like that. If you work on your phrasing a little, i think this could be a very interesting book.

This started, for me, as a Romeo and Juliet type of scenario but then changed (for what I read).
I love some of the expressions you use and some of the unusual descriptions.
I do however, think that you need someone to look at the language you have used - is English your first language? Some of the phrases suggest that it's not?
Some phrases are a little strange: "Passengers were getting off getting into at different stages", "There were some other exceptional too."
There was another instance where the verb and adverb were so far apart that it seemed you were going to say something else, but didn't. - "...the giant hizal tree dropped its small pink flower on the river silently."
Please don't think I'm criticising as I'm only pointing out that I think you need to either reread or get someone else to read your text to eliminate these kinds of errors.
Other than that, I like the way your action flows and would be interested in reading an edited version.
Cheers,
Mike.
(Rudolf Goes Bananas)

There is a great story in here, your dedication to writing and the passion in your work is obvious. I feel that a little work on editing to pick up on phraseology etc will enable this book to be a success. Good luck

This is a very brief comment about your short pitch, which I love and have watchlisted your story to come back to...but I wonder if 'leave' would not be better than 'go'? Go made me ask myself go where? When I think leave implies much more.

Your premise is great and there is an energy and confidence to your writing, but there were many places that I wasn't sure exactly what you were talking about. I very much liked a lot of your turns of phrase - and there is a definite cadence to your sentences and your prose, I would love to see you find an editor who could perhaps smooth some of the inconsistencies and perhaps tweak this so that it would sound better to (in my case) an American ear...

Thank you for asking me to take a look at your work. You clearly write with passion and energy and you are prolific! Three books up already! Wow.

All the best,

Rena (Bunderful) author of Master of the Miracles

I went through your work, but i find there is a problem in the language. Perhaps it is a barrier, but I tried to follow the story as i believe you were trying to write it. You need to somehow convert it to english, using punctuation, grammar and editing the document. Don't lose heart, every story is worth getting it perfectly right...and you write with passion, there are things i think you're trying to say, but its lost in the differences in language.
Perhaps as JS suggested, find someone who speaks fluent english and have them work through it to correct the language of the MS.

Keep at it! All my best
Wendy
And When

I had a look at this because of its interesting premise, but I think there is still a lot of work needed on this manuscript before it would be ready for a British publisher. In terms of basics - grammar, punctuation and a use of idiom that matches a UK reading public's expectations - I feel there is need for strenuous editing, prefereably by someone fluent in UK English, before the story waiting to be told is fully revealed.

J.S.Watts
Witchlight