King Arthur and the Secret of the Universe

I am an Arthurian junkie and this caught my eye. Interesting premise. Best wishes.

I love the stories about King Arthur and the knights of the round table I've popped your work on my watchlist and look forward to reading it soon:)
regards
Sheila

Intriguing.
I found the first half of the chapter slow moving, with too much detail that I wasn't sure where it fitted into the story, and I found Tobias' walk and engagement with the little person somewhat irritating. By the time you get half way through and inform us that Tobias' curiosity was incited, I guess mine was too, so maybe this was part of the plan. But like Warrick and Audrey, I think you could edit this first chapter a bit to draw people in a bit more positively.
I also think you could do a lot more with your pitch - use it to sell your book, not to summarise it. Give people something to make them want to start reading to find out what it is all about.
Good luck.
Peter

Hi Tom,

Just stumbled by your book and decided to give chapter one a go. It's not my usual style but I did enjoy reading it, you've certainly taken on a huge legend to twist and mold into your own which I think is a really creative idea and would no doubt sell well to all those Arthurian enthusiast out there (my father) but having said that it's also very big shoes to fill but I believe this story has that potential. I especially love the way you've made it modern. As I personally don't know much about the Arthurian legends I can't comment to thoroughly on that side of your story. I will say however, that you've written it well.
The only thing I would suggest is maybe giving your long pitch an edit. It just seemed a little bit crammed when reading, for example; it starts out great but then turns into more of a list of characters that the readers are going to encounter through out your book, maybe give it another look and only reveal the real main protagonists/antagonists therefore keeping some mystery for the readers. But that is only one opinion and other people may find absolutely nothing wrong with it :)
Anyway, I've given you a high star rating with pleasure! Keep it up.

I'd also really appreciate it if you could give my book a quick look, any feedback is always welcomed and highly valued !
Thanks, Karlee - Chained

Tom,

I read your first chapter. It left lots of questions, as I'm sure it intended. However, I'm bot sure tht all of the mystery and pointing out of strange monoliths was adding very much, it became a little tedious. Do all of these have meaning later on in the book?

Like AudreyB I was a little confused when the entry was 10c rather than 10p, but rapidly realised that this was in fact a modern structure built to resemble a castle. And, I did note that you referred to the daily downpour, as well as referring to the dry and dusty nature of the surroundings.

I guess we would need to read on to find out why this was built in Florida, presumably, someone unravelling the secret of Arthur, and this is how you tell the story and reveal the secret? I like the idea, but the first chapter does seem to be very full of questions and oblique references. Perhaps this could be shortened a little to get us to the point where he starts to solve the mystery that Leedskalnin has already sovled?

Your writing appears to be without fault, and your characters are developed nicely by their conversations.

Best regards
Warrick

Hi, Tom – Thanks so much for backing my book!! I wanted to drop by and do a reading for you. I am often accompanied on my reviews by my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag. If I say anything you don’t like, it was probably her idea.

First off – gorgeous cover. Often people new to the site (like me, for example) are not ready to post an appropriate cover. Yours looks great.

Second, there are a number of people on this site who are very interested in the Arthurian legends. I encourage you to post a message to the forums to share some information about your book. You are sure to get lots of readers who know the story well and will be able to offer educated comments.

Your short pitch needs a more active verb. The long pitch reads too much like a synopsis. What tidbits can you offer the reader that will entice them to give your story a try? Create some mystery here.

I believe in the value of first lines. Will the clanging of that bell be important later on? I wonder also about the use of drawstring I think of a drawstring as a cord or strip of fabric in a channel of fabric, used to tighten the item – as in drawstring pants or the top of a ditty bag. I would have expected the term “bell pull” here. But then, I live in the US and we Yanks are always suggesting words based on our limited understanding of them.

“…when’s the last time it rained properly in Florida?” Every afternoon? Florida is mighty rainy. Your line seems to imply it’s a rare event.

You’ve got the verb of being ‘was’ where you could have much more powerful verbs. Consider editing about three-quarters of them.

I’m not clear where we are. From the pitches, I thought we were in England, but it seems we’re in Florida. I don’t expect to find anything Arthurian in Florida.

“…course cement..” I think you wanted coarse.

I like that you drop us into the action that puts your story into motion. So many writers (me, again) want to start off with lots of narration. You deftly introduce the story during an appropriate scene.

If Jack isn’t British, he wouldn’t say “Fancy a Chinese?” He’s day, “Want to get some Chinese?” or “How about Chinese?”

The first chapter definitely creates a mystery to be solved. Readers of fantasy—particularly related to the Arthurian legends—will keep going.

Best of luck to you on the site!!
~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

I have just uploaded part of this book, for now, as I am not quite sure how this site operates. However I would be delighted to receive any comments... good or bad... from anyone... concerning these first three chapters. There are a total of 24 Chapters in the book. Thanks, in advance, to anyone who takes the trouble to read my book and add comments... If you ever wondered where Avalon is... then keep reading.