Daimon (or The Daughters of Pandareus)

V.,
Very Homeric, like reading Iliad again. Imbued with backstory from the priest, I had enough to go on with understanding Rhea and how she fit into Zeus' scheme of things. Certainly your switch to modern times was like stepping out of dark woods into a bright and cheery meadow full of possiblities. Your prose is straightforward, undertaking to move the story along, your sparse dialogue cleverly planted in the text for nice effect. Thanks for sharing..

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

The opening is immediately problematic. The first sentence contains too much information – ‘selected for their place of ambush’. Why not just say they’re lying face down and make it clear through their actions that an ambush is about to happen. The third sentence is grammatically problematic because the first word doesn’t have an article. Then the action is slowed down again by more geographic info and more info about the war that’s happening off stage. When I started reading, I was given to understand I’d be watching brigands do something, but instead I’m getting a geography cum lesson in local politics, rather than getting into the story. So when the brigands end up with broken necks a few paras later, I don’t care. They weren’t fleshed out enough for me to be sorry (or pleased) they’re dead.

So this priest fellow. Is he the main character? If so, why not start with him?

Uh oh, now he’s dying, apparently. Double uh oh - he chooses this moment to tell a long winded story about his personal history.

It’s a complicated tale, full of epileptic fits, slave auctions, a possible princess who’s being sold off… it’s difficult (for this reader) to keep track of what’s happening. And now it turns out it’s the princess I need to know about, not the brigands or the priest.

This is very confused. There’s a lot of history that I have to learn before I’m allowed to access the story, a lot of it coming from a guy who’s bleeding to death who, nevertheless, manages to keep talking and talking. Who takes some wine to keep talking, even though he’s busy holding a staff to someone else’s throat. To be honest, I skimmed this bit because it looked like too much hard work to understand all the backstory, with no particular pay off.

Second chapter – excellent, some story has started! Again, though, the story is marred by quasi-poetic asides that don’t do anything to move the story along. Why do I need to know that the MC normally travels by plane, but this time he’s travelling by care? Is that important?

There is a lot of information being shoe horned in that slows the story down. The framed cartoons on the mantelpiece- are they going to be important later? It feels like they are, so I am starting to feel like I have to study up before this story will unfold itself.

I will stop here. Basically, this story is hard work. Instead of focusing on what the characters are doing, I have to focus on all the history and background information about them and it feels like hard work. Now if you stripped all of that away and just put the characters in motion, I might find it very interesting – the old woman who can write powerful verses could be a neat idea.

Very descriptive story (the part i've read) Ill come back later to read more. well written
well done
Ellen Michelle

Very beautiful, descriptive language. Lovely rhythm. This is a very ambitious task but your writing is well and truly up to it. Six stars from me and shelf in a couple of days!

Wow! I've just started reading your book. Read the first chapter and love it. Your writing style is wonderful, your writing excellent. One of the best I've read on this website. I'll be back to read more. Daimon is on my watchlist.

DAIMON (OR THE DAUGHTERS OF PANDAREUS)
V. Crowe

This is like nothing I have read. I am not qualified to even give an opinion on the genre as it is so completely unique. Rich with delicious portrayals of events told by your main character, as I read, I found myself overlooking the telling. At times, I wanted to be shown more of those scenes rather than exposed through the eyes of the one telling the story.

Perhaps this is what is called Literary Fiction. I have no idea since I tend to avoid that sort of literature. You have defined it as a Thriller. By today's standards I am in a quandry as to how that could fit. Historical Fiction, perhaps. But are not the legends of Greek Mythology, considered to be stories based on the belief in deities and demigods and not actually on their actions so as to be thought of as reality? Rather I think it was merely the belief of the times.

Whatever it is, I believe it is great. It entertained me and that is why I read, which is the same reason I write, for entertainment. Thank you for making this available to us to enjoy.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck
A King in Time

A great flight from Homer's work and one that works well. The narrative flows nicely and is well written. I do have some concerns about the incomplete sentences - I think they work OK within the dialogue, but not in the background narration. A couple of phrases seem out of era: 'I'm done for', and 'I'm hooked'.
Best of luck with it.
Peter
http://www.authonomy.com/books/39212/two-guys-three-wheels-and-a-dog/

hi V Crowe
Daimon( or the daughters of Pandareus-

have this book on my watch list now, and will read in the early new year
After glancing through some chapters i feel it has potential
i like literary historical fiction-
tom bye
from hugs to kisses'

The priest’s tale pushes my belief
For, wounded by a friendly thief,
His robe gives overmuch relief.

But then the tale itself begins,
Echoing old Grecian hymns,
And then, by Zeus, this story sings.

Balloons and diamonds, long lost caves
Ancient gods beneath the waves
Scarred princesses sold as slaves.

Old Rhea, brooding on her wrongs.
Making rhymes and cradle songs,
To have her own again she longs.

Dionysos by the water
Thinking thoughts he didn’t oughta
Draws the line at Helen’s daughter.

Juno, queen of heaven, teaches
Lovely girls like luscious peaches
One among them overreaches...

And, somewhere, ‘neath tectonic plate
An ancient daimon lies in wait
To decide the Ascendant’s fate.

How this might end I’d like to know,
A well-told tale, Professor Crowe,
(I’ll quibble not o’er tell or show)

And, other readers of this rhyme,
Remember this another time:
Retellings of old tales are fine.

you use a great setting with ancient people like the hittites and nubians and Greeks, of course, this is a fascinating book; without you superbly descriptive narrative this book would be just very good, with it your book is excellent...
backed...
six stars******
read SEASONS...

My word .. I have none. Shall I go with: 'yes, this is great, well done'? I think not - this is perfect bordering on magnificent .. I want it!

Michelle x

This was well written - though I only read the first chapter. What follows is hyper-critical. (It is either that or a comment that says, 'yes this is great, well done.')

So. Very curt style that works, but you want to be careful not to overplay it.
Chapter 1 : opening scene. Not 100% convincing. Did priests carry gold candlesticks around? I'm doubtful. When the priest is killed 'I'm done for' is just a tad cliched. Then 'I'm listening, I'm listening' sounds more vigorously interested than I've read justification for. Then the priest is everso chatty, seeing as he's got a sword in his belly.

'A mixed assortment of Kurds, Hittites, and travellers, nomads. ' I'm not a big believer in the Oxford comma, and I don't think you need it here. Perhaps 'A mixed assortment of Kurds, Hittites and travellers - nomads. '

Nice the way you defeat expectation and make the scarred girl Helen. Likewise the tying in to Biblical chronology. (did you check the timing, or is it a guess - I don't know either well enough to tell...)

'My goddess willed it otherwise.  She bade me question the servant girl.  Of what?' Wasn't clear to me, had to read twice to see 'of what' was spoken.

Hope this is a little helpful.

Lindsay
A Priest's Tale

I think the major obstacle to success for this work is helping the initial reader buy into the fantasy, particularly in terms of connecting on a deeper level with the character. The less a story corresponds to reality the harder it must work to capture that connection so the reader still feels alive with the narrative. You have the myth down really well but it is that connection I personally struggle with. Granted, other might find the characters relatable, but somehow they seem a little too comfortable with their context. Still, stay strong and keep writing.

First chapter opinion? Well it's impeccable - not a word or beat out of place. It's the sort of story a person should hear spoken, in front of a roaring fire, curled under a blanket by candlelight. Lovely stuff, of course - and I'm glad we didn't leave the old man behind completely at the point where he's punctured and dying as it would have jarred - working in those further conversations between the dying priest and his slayer kept me believing he could actually sustain the energy to tell his story.

I'm some decades removed from Greek mythology, though I loved the stories at the time and can see how this would thrill someone who's retained more of that learning than I.

Not one for reading on screen. Should be printed on quality paper and bound in calf hide...