Book Jacket

 

rank 89
word count 23384
date submitted 04.12.2011
date updated 03.02.2012
genres: Fiction, Literary Fiction, Travel
classification: moderate
complete

Ramadan Sky

Victoria Hunter

To them I am Lady Chatterley gone mad. Do I have to explain my lover with the smooth skin and electric black eyebrows...?

 

He is snorkelling – waving his thin arms around in the inexpert way he did in Bali – but this time he is naked and asleep, eyes shut tight, crawling like a shrimp across the crisp linen. He chats away to her in a high-pitched voice, sometimes in English and sometimes in Indonesian. She wonders whether the conversations they have when he is awake make any more sense than those when he is asleep. And what the hell she is doing here with him in this inhospitable place. The morning call to prayer rings out as he suddenly opens his eyes to find her watching him. They begin their dance without speaking, desire rising and breaking like waves while the voice outside continues to proclaim the greatness of God.

 
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tags

indonesia, love, muslim, travel

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Fajar

The news came just as the teacher had finished helping me with my tooth. It was abscessed and swollen and I was almost screaming with the pain when he called me into his room and ordered me to sit on a plastic stool. The room was neat and bare, like the dormitory that I slept in at night with the other boys. A plaque bearing the one hundred names of Allah hung sternly on the wall above his bed, and there was a washbasin and a number of books were lined up on a shelf.

 

The room was not right for his large body and kind face. I wondered if this man, whose name was Dedi, would not like a wife and perhaps a young son, and why he did not have a television. He washed his hands at the basin and then shocked me by putting one fat hairy finger right inside my mouth.

Bite, he ordered.

Against my beliefs regarding the biting of a teacher but in accordance with the laws of obedience, I bit down on his finger as hard as I could. A rush of warm, foul-tasting fluid gushed into my mouth and I spat it out into a big handkerchief.

Bite again.

After that he tied a piece of thread to my tooth and the other end to the handle of the door of his room. I felt the blood drain quickly from my face and I began to tell him that I would ask my family to send money for the dentist, but his arm moved swiftly to the door and it was over. I took some medicine for the pain and then he was showing me out of the room with my jaw still throbbing when the headmaster found us.

Your father has gone to Allah, Fajar.

The two men looked at each other and then turned their eyes on me, thoughtfully, as if they were weighing up all of the consequences of that one piece of news - the way that each difficulty would now line up against the next and crash down on my small frame.

 

A short time later, teacher Dedi walked with me down the road to the bus stop. His large hand rested heavily on my shoulder for a moment before I got on and paid the driver and found my seat. I turned to wave, but there was only a square white back bobbing along the road in a cloud of bus smoke.

 

As I watched, my tongue sought out the place where the rotted tooth had been so cleverly removed, leaving a satisfying new gap.  Then I turned my attention to a rooster that was staring at me from its seat on the lap of a young woman.  Rain began to strike at the windows of the bus but then stopped as if changing its mind. I looked at the chicken and pretended not notice the woman, who had a large birthmark on her face and sat looking inwards, not out at the threatening sky. I was trying to think, although the medicine had given me a fuzzy, sleepy feeling.

 My father has gone to Allah. But how? Is he in Paradise already? Doesn’t he know that he is urgently needed at home? 

 

The concept of death had not taken a definite shape in my mind, although I had seen it before in the form of a motionless doll-like figure that had once been the next-door neighbour’s baby. But I couldn’t see that my father had anything to do with that. A small voice crept in to offer some advice.

It might be a mistake, it said.

The journey passed slowly with many stops, and I watched the people getting on and off the bus with their children and animals and packages. 

 

As we neared the centre of the city, the buildings grew taller and the sky looked dirty and grey with smoke from the traffic. I got off the bus on a side road. There were scraps of rubbish blowing around in the street as the wind was picking up for a storm. My eyes began to sting with grittiness and heat.

 

I crossed the high bridge over the motorway that was swarming with beeping cars and motorbikes and people heaving carts through the murky air. I was home. I could hear the praying coming from our house as I went along the back alleys until I saw that the relatives of ours that live near the Monas building were standing in the front yard. Some lightning gave them a strange yellow glow for a moment and then their skin returned to normal colour and the youngest boy began smiling and shouting to me. My father should be greeting them, I thought stupidly, and my mother, and they should not be standing there in the heat and wind with the storm coming.

 

The truth is our house is very small and inside was full of other relatives. I could not find my mother but my eldest sister came forward when she saw me. I saw that she had been crying - but my own eyes stayed dry. Even when I saw my father’s body stretched out and pale in his coffin – he seemed far too small and his face was that of a sleeping stranger - even when the thunder and rain came shouting, banging and smashing on the tin roof, when we took him to be buried the next day, and I watched my grown-up brothers carry him without stumbling from the car. Even now, so many years after, as I am telling the story, it feels like it felt then. Inch by inch I turned to very cold stone. The feet first, followed by the hands and chest. It crept along the veins in my arms and ran like ice down into my fingertips. I became very quiet and still. I went through all of the prayers and rituals with the spice of incense burning at my nostrils. I did not want the green and pink cakes that my sister offered to the neighbours.

 

More than anything, I was disappointed to find that this is what happens in spite of everything, even to men like my father  - who had a reputation for being very lucky and was able to steer his large family away from trouble and into prosperity - to change colour and shrink and to be wrapped in white cloth, to be put in a box like some terrible gift for the earth to receive.

 

After most of the people had left, my mother made me a place to sleep on the floor by the window, next to my small cousin. I lay looking out through a gap in the curtains at the darkness, listening to the clattering of cups and plates being washed and stacked. The big rain turned into smaller rain and finally disappeared. We would take him very early, at first light, and then come back and continue to receive visitors and to observe the three days mourning. I wondered who would now catch and tend the caged doves that my father used to sell at the markets and who would raise the rabbits and chickens and go around buying and selling all kinds of useful things in order for us to live.

 

For the next days it seemed that everything in our house had changed, but around us the streets continued their song as if nothing had happened. Children rose like ragged birds in the mornings and chirped and screamed and laughed in the heat of the day on the roadside where they always played. Women carried baskets of cakes through the neighbourhood and men pushed their breakfast carts selling bubur ayam and coffee and goreng. The ojek drivers watched the street and smoked and gossiped and waited for customers.

 

I wanted to stay there amongst the cheerful noises and the shadows of our small house, where my father’s presence could still be felt in the corners and around the windowsills. But my lessons had already been paid for two years and my mother was anxious to begin honouring my father’s wishes straight away, so a week after the funeral she packed my things and I took the trip back.

 

It was early morning and this time I looked out of the window, not at the other people riding on the bus. I watched the sky change from dirty brown to pale blue and the buildings disappear to be replaced with houses and farms. Nobody was waiting for me at the bus stop, so I walked down the laneway alone and found the latch on the gate at the back of the school grounds.  I returned to my classes without any fuss - a cold stone boy, but nobody seemed to notice any difference.

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JD Revene wrote 34 days ago

From the One to Watch blog, here's what HC had to say:

"A few people have been talking about the novel that I've chosen as this week's One to Watch, so if you've not read it yet, it's time to see what the fuss is about:

Ramadan Sky by Victoria Hunter

Ramadan Sky is a literary novel set in Indonesia, an area rarely covered in literature. The story begins with a young boy of twelve being told that his father has died. Yet, despite this sad opening, there is a naivety and sweetness to the narrative that prevents the tone from feeling too heavy. As the narrative progresses, the boy, Fajar, grows up as the youngest son of a large family, and there are new challenges to contend with.

I was drawn to this manuscript because of the writing style, which is concise, and subtle, yet evocative and very readable. I was reminded of Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie – a personal favourite of mine. Within just a couple of paragraphs, Victoria establishes a subtle, but undeniably rich setting; we are also introduced to an intriguing dynamic, in the form of our protagonist Fajar’s relationship with his teacher, Dedi, which opens a window on Fajar’s own personality. "

AndrewStevens wrote 46 days ago

This is fabulous stuff, Victoria. I can see why JD is such a fan. Six stars and on my shelf.

The prose is just so smooth with a subtly lyrical, almost poetic feel to much of the phrasing and word choice. I lost count of the number of beautifully written, stunningly original turns of phrase and powerfully evocative descriptions. It really is a joy to read.

Although at times in the opening chapter, I did struggle to pin down the narrator’s precise age and, initially at least, even whether they were male or female, the tone of the narration as a whole is utterly convincing. I think it’s so difficult to reproduce a narrative delivered by someone who’s first language isn’t English but you seem to have managed this effortlessly. I’m still not sure whether this is Fajar narrating in English or simply a stylised translation from the Javanese but I don’t think this matters. For me, it’s the overall effect that’s important and at no point in the opening chapter did I doubt for an instant the authenticity of the narrative voice. Fantastic stuff.

The sense of place is subtly but persuasively evoked. It would be so easy to overdo the cultural references and spoil the overall effect. It’s the restraint with which you hint at the narrator’s environment that works so well. The detail is there but it’s always in the background, adding tremendous colour and depth without ever intruding on the narrative. I did, in the beginning, think this was a period piece (1950s? 1960s?) but the refs later on to McD and ganja make clear it’s set more recently. Not sure if this matters, tho?? The dialogue works well to flesh out the various characters as well as adding good energy to the scenes and reinforcing the cultural identity of the piece. Cleverly done.

To be honest, I have no idea where the story’s going (you don’t give much away in your blurb!!) but I’m perfectly willing to tag along for the ride!! It’s the quality of writing, I think, that makes or breaks a book of this type and I can honestly say I don’t think I’ve read anything better in the four years I’ve been an authonomy member. This is as close to flawless writing as it gets.

Best of luck with this, Victoria. You deserve every success. I’ll read on when I get a chance. Thanks. Andrew.



Observations made as I went along (please feel free to ignore!!):

I love the simplicity, almost vagueness of the description of the teacher’s room (eg ‘and a number of books’) Just right for the narrator’s age/emotional state.

‘shocked at so much hair and salt’ thrown slightly by this. I assume you’re referring to the teacher’s hairy fingers and the salty taste of skin?? maybe have her shocked by the size/roughness of the fingers and the taste of a stranger’s skin??

‘The blood drained quickly from my face’ – POV-wise this doesn’t feel quite right?? maybe just have her feeling light headed??

Love the image of the girl turning to wave but only seeing her teacher’s back. So sad and very real.

‘and tired with smoke’ – not sure if this works??

‘with my suitcase’ – this threw me. Unless I missed something, this is the first ref to her suitcase. Was the school a boarding school or does she normally take a suitcase to school. Either way, I think the reader needs a little more??

New para at ‘The truth is our house…’?? Otherwise (given the age of the narrator) it’s a very long para. Generally I think many of the paragraphs could be broken up into smaller mini paras??

‘Even now when I am telling the story…’ It’s at this point that I’m beginning to wonder precisely how old the narrator is. How long has passed since her father died? I’m assuming she’s still a child but I don’t know and the doubt is interfering with my read.

Her thoughts on the futility of life/inevitability of death are so sad and involving. Fabulous writing.

Terrific sense of place. The detail is subtly woven into the narrative. Cleverly done.

‘Children rose like ragged birds’ now I’m thinking the narrator is an adult??

‘a cold stone BOY…’ ah!! Again, unless I missed something, there’s no reference to the narrator’s sex before this point. I assumed the story was being told by a girl/woman (I’m not sure why?? The tone just felt more feminine than male?? I don’t mean this as a criticism, by the way. I can quite easily accept that the narrator is male and is simply recounting his time as a gentle, sensitive twelve-year-old) Maybe give some hint in the first couple of paras so readers don’t make the same mistake I did??

Love the image of the wives constantly spinning homes like spiders!!

Maybe hint at the precise age of the narrator (what’s his name, by the way?? maybe I missed it?? is it Fajar, as in the chapter title?? not clear to me or many readers I suspect that this is the narrator’s name??) You say that many years have passed since he was 12 but his hanging out with his friends at night, taking part in motorbike races etc suggest a teenager/very young man?? Maybe add his age for clarity??

‘Have an umbrella…etc’ love this!! little snippets like this provide real cultural depth to the narrative. Terrific stuff.

Not quite sure what to make of the boss squeezing Fajar’s balls!!?? Is he genuinely misguidedly checking for virginity or is he just a pervert?? Does Fajar know what’s going on??

‘…six weeks and no work, she came…’ – who’s ‘she’?? It’s clear it’s his fiancée later on but the initial confusion is unsettling??

‘a wave of fury’ – compared to all the other very original imagery/phrasing this felt rather clichéd??

Another very long para. Maybe break up??

Love the end to the chapter. Beautifully written and intriguing. Definitely makes me want to read on.

klouholmes wrote 64 days ago

Hi Victoria, This is so convincingly written from Fajar's POV in the first chapter. The details of his schooling and his job are done in a mesmerizing style, capturing the ambiance of his setting. Phrases like "children rose like ragged birds..." and what follows are evocative. The protagonist's struggle to obtain work that would please his girlfriend's mother is ensconced in the background setting. The paragraphs are long and might be split to make this even more readable. But I was drawn in and kept there by the narrative and its depiction of Jakarta. The synopsis is also intriguing with the expectation of further dimension in the story. Shelved - Katherine

M. A. McRae. wrote 51 days ago

I began reading this on the recommendation of JD Revene, and at first, thought it not my style at all. I have never liked narratives that jump from 1st person to different first person.
But. I liked this, then I liked it a great deal, and finally I see that it is a real and true message of the lives of men and women, and the hypocricy that allows a man to demand a virgin as a wife, but still feels himself free to have sex with another.
This is a very good story, and I think it will do very well indeed. Well done, Marj.

leelah wrote 55 days ago


This is art.
Yes -this is mesmerizing, as klouholmes says - and in a wonderful way. Reading the first chapter, I was transported to jamaica, which is foreign to me - but I was there.
I felt myself b r e a t h e while reading - it felt like sitting i n a mellow river, filled with smells from the landscape around. You have an uncanny talent for descriptions that burst with L I F E .
This is art.
"---they watched me together with 4 eyes and many claws waiting to pounce."
And:
"The beginning of change is a small laneway that opens like magic into a rice-field."
Some of your expressions are so "organic" that they are healing: the perception is so full, so precise, and I can take part of it and allowing myself to be healed by its fullness.
Did I mention that this is art?
toprated - watchlisted - waiting for a shelfspace
Leelah Saachi
"When fear comes home to love"
Leelah Saachi

Adeel wrote 2 days ago

An interesting work, on my watch list now.

liberscriptus wrote 3 days ago

Wow... just... wow. I read the whole thing - couldn't stop. The writing is beautiful, and you seem to have a real gift for descriptions. I think it's fascinating how you tell the story from the perspectives of all three principle characters, giving each the chance to tell their side of it and allowing the reader to really get to know them before their ultimate clash at the end. Vic's voice definitely pops the most, but all three come across as authentic and memorable. I especially love Vic's introduction, when you describe her clashes with both the new culture she enters and her own. She's really a fascinating person, and wonderfully funny at times (I agree with her assessment of the word "bridesmaid"). You do a great job of describing the Indonesian culture from their point of view, highlighting some of the absurdities without being condescending. The ending is heart-wrenching even though I knew what the inevitable outcome would be, and the way it's written is quite lovely. Six stars, and I can see this going really far.

Cheers,
M.
Astral Sea: The Pandora Project

ChristineRees wrote 5 days ago

Already in the first paragraph I can relate to the character! I had an abscess on my tonsil only a month ago! Terrible pain, and you do a good job of showing that in your writing. The end of your first chapter gave me goose bumps. How quickly the boy changed because no one was there to get him from the bus stop, and the cold truth set in is all displayed in that last sentence.
Honestly, I don’t usually read many stories that aren’t fantasy or deal with the supernatural, but yours has many hooks all within the first chapter that make me want to read further. I’m keeping you on my WL and giving you high stars. I will continue to read more when I get the chance.

Christine Rees
Spark

cooee wrote 12 days ago

Victoria, this is quite lovely. You write with minimal fuss and convey a great deal of emotion in a manner that is very evocative. By the end of the first chapter I was impressed. I love your writing style and one can’t help but feel for your young MC. I read the first three chapters and can see this doing rather well. The narrator is convincing and the voice seems so very fitting for someone remembering and to me is expressed the way we remember things from the past, slightly fragmented, capturing the impressions of the moment, the details that matter.

Good luck with this.

mcgroarty7 wrote 17 days ago

I'm a novice, writing experience is something I have little of. But I can say this is a very smooth read. It's hard to explain but it just flows. Every word meanders nicely to the next. I really did like way you got me to emote so early on with Fajar. I have read the opening two chapters, and will definitely come back for the rest. I am partial to stories set overseas; something about the culture and the imagery that I find fascinating. Back on point, this is a swell beginning, many thanks for writing it and sharing it with us.

Michael

MIRO1K wrote 18 days ago

Kia ora Victoria,

I've read the first three chapters of your work and was very impressed. You've got real shape to your writing and have an inventiveness with images that is delightful at times eg. 'children rise like ragged birds' and the 'pet giant' - I can relate to this having taught (yes ESL!) in Asia. It was funny reading this , I really enjoyed the writing and yet there seemed to be something a touch missing. At the end of chapter three, I think I found it. The first three chapters seem like scene building -the camera is above looking down on the characters -the prose is always descriptive -backstory -beautiful backstory. I found myself wanting to grip onto a thread or to touch down with some dialogue in the present. I'm not sure whether I'm being too impatient (I'm sure reading on I will eat humble pie) but I expect this may be a feeling more than one reader gets. I hope this helps -this is classy writing and I will read on as you have intrigued me with the story.

6 stars for now and a spin on my shelf after more reading:)
Highly recommended
Kaal Kaczmarek

JKass wrote 18 days ago

Your book is stronger then your pitch, which is fine for me as i'm not an editor. I wasn't able to get into it at length but i will read more as i plan on coming back to it.

Wussyboy wrote 23 days ago

I've been looking forward to reading your book for some time, Victoria, and was not disappointed. This is a beautiful piece of writing - tight, compelling, lyrical and very well-observed. I say 'well-observed' because I have lived in Asia for much of my life, and your fine descriptions of Indonesia - along with the hopes, dreams and fears of the people who live there - bring back so many memories, they ring so true. Seen through the eyes of a young man who has lost his father (a cruel blow in this society) and is now losing his job and future wife, the gritty, merciless street-life of Jakarta, a city famed for its dog-eat-dog existence (I was once held up on a bus here), springs to life in a sparse no-holds-barred narrative that leaves us breathless.

I've only had time to read your first 3 chapters, but feel sure that this is going to the desk. Six stars from me, and on my list for future shelving.

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Millionaires

I've taken a few notes, which I can delete on request? These are just my observations, please feel free to ignore.

First, and you've heard this before, your pitch doesn't do your book justice. It seems...ahem...'evasive', almost deliberately enigmatic. I've been told, again and again, that a pitch should 'tell a story', have a beginning, middle and end. Yours sounds like an extract plucked from the middle of your book?

Second, and you've heard this before too, there is a frustrating lack of time and space in the first chapter. Where and when are we? I know literary fiction favours the 'show don't tell' device, but just a little more tell would, imho, work wonders. How about heading your first chapter something like 'Fajar. 1962. Downtown Jakarta'?

Third, those tense shifts are distracting. Especially in the second chapter, when Fajar says 'but that was all a long time ago, when I was a little boy'...and then goes on to narrate in the present tense as though he is STILL a little boy. I LOVE the immediacy and 'voice' of the present-tense narrative, but feel (again, only my vho) that you might be better served sticking to the past - which you suddenly change into in the back half of chapter 2. You can still preserve the 'voice' - which is similar to, but wonderfully distinctive from - that used by Marj MacRae in her excellent 'Not a Man'.

Last, I would definitely suggest changing 'Vic' to 'Victoria' as your 3rd chapter opening. She is definitely 'not a man' (lol) but I was quite a way in before I realised that! Oh, but I LOVED the 'You are a grandmother!' exchange. I have a mirror image exchange in my book, where one of my Indian suppliers accuses my new wife: "You are 39? You must be grandmother!" She was not amused.

Some of your descriptions - the father lying dead like 'a sleeping stranger', the children rising up 'like ragged birds', the bikes 'kicking up dust over an oily moon' - will stick in my mind for a very long time. Good luck with this, Victoria - you're just one or two edits away from perfection!

ericardoz wrote 28 days ago

I only read the first three chapters but I like the friendship between Fajar and Binh. Their work at McD's and subsequent firing added a little bit of humor to the story. I thought the way that the school teacher told her about her fathers death was a little harsh. Most of the time a family members death is revealed by a sibling. Just a suggestion, but you might want to change so that it doesn't take the reader from the story. Also from reading the frist three chapters I'm not really sure what the plot or conflict in the story is..maybe it's revealed further in the story..I don't know how you feel about adding a prologue..these are only my suggestions..I hope this helps..

Juliet Ann wrote 29 days ago

This is very restrained, sparse writing, yet you manage to convey the culture of Indonesia and bring it alive, even if the POV is rather cynical (which is refreshing, but doesn't encourage me to visit). There is certainly room to give the reader more of the country and more of the characters. I didn't feel I really got to know the Vic, nor did I connect with her (I don't think you allowed me to). She comes across as self-aware and pragmatic, but I neither liked her or disliked her. I didn't feel by the end I knew her any better than the start (both in terms of empathy and her backstory). You may have good reason for this to be 20,000 words, but I would have enjoyed a richer and deeper experience. There was so much that was touched upon, religion, West meets East, exploitation (who was exploiting who? - if at all), womens rights, mid-life, sexuality, but these themes were not built upon. More could be added to enrich this (a wider plot) and consequently increase its length (if that is your intention). I hope my thoughts will be of some use to you. If you do make any changes, I will happily read again. Juliet

FRAN MACILVEY wrote 29 days ago

Dear Victoria

I have read the first three chapters of your book "Ramadan Sky" in one sitting. I echo everything that has already been said: your writing is smooth and easy to read, faultlessly presented. The story is beautifully paced, with wonderful humour scattered through it. I could easily read all of this. Are you going to upload more?

I can hardly see your book cover, though perhaps I need new specs. Any thoughts on something a bit more colourful? A sunset? A beach?

I wish you all the very best with this, which deserves to do very well. Six stars, and on my WL.

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-)

Tom Bye wrote 30 days ago

hello Victoria-
book - Ramadan Sky-

One of a few book i read over the week-end, and have to say i enjoyed the six chapters posted-
I can see why this book is one of the fast rising books on this site-
Love the cover -so well suited to the story-line and the pitch most interesting-

Read the story as told in the first person- it;s ever so plaintive and absorbing i turned the pages quickly to read on and on-
I feel that this is up there with some of the best literary reads on site-and i quite enjoyed discovering the Indonisian culture and thoughts of same-wondered- Is it only O K for middle class men to have boy-friends-?

I can only endorse everything that H C said about this book- and i have a strong feeling that it will be a success-

tom bye
book-from hugs to kisses'
oblige please Victoria and scan read some of the chapters in my book- thanks

Goddess Pan wrote 30 days ago

I love a love story - and there is so much love in this. For people, for the country and for the landscape. 6 stars and a turn on my shelf. Yours, Pan

Rob1969 wrote 31 days ago

Victoria,

Before I start, none of what I will put is in any way written in order to get feedback or a reciprocal read from you. I don’t comment to get comments and I always put what I really think – it’s important for me that you know that.

Ramadan Sky

Short Pitch – very good, builds image and premise. Nice phrasing as well.

Long Pitch – Better yet, a wonderful and evocative use of imagery and the story is set expertly well. There is tension, a sense of conflict and the promise of an unfolding scenario.

Your two pitches are spot on. Many people get them wrong, but you have used those precious few words to great advantage – I am drawn in already.

Ok, I have read the first few chapters. I have stopped simply due to time constraints, rather than my desire to read further.

This is very well written, sincerely, the language is liquid-silk and you have some quite stunning phrasing. The story release is slow and ambiguous and that is to the tales credit, this has a dreamy, ethereal feel and I am so in for the long haul with this, the time, place, even the MC’s age, all are tenuous details and as such they draw me further in, fuelling my desire to learn more.

The POV shifts are expertly handled and give a narrative layer that many are incapable of pulling off – that you can write and write well is apparent from word one.

Post more Victoria because I I am coming back next week to finish it off and I’m going to be hungry for the next bit then. Truly, this is sensational writing that is smack-bang in the genre of lit fic. Beautifully written, slow burning yet never dull, full of details and layers of characterisation and the story behind it all is hypnotic.
I will comment further when I have read all that you have posted and my second comment will contain constructive criticism as I see it.

For now, this is me saying high, love the book – tiny bit jealous of your ability to write so very well and can’t wait to read more.
All we can ever be judged on as writers is our ability to make the reader turn the page – you have that ability in spades Victoria Hunter, and this book is going all the way – I mean to the bookshops, not the ed’s desk though it might well make the latter it sure as hell will make the former.

When I revolve my shelf your book will get a place and there it will stay – for know it’s an easy six stars.

Congratulations.

Rebel Guru wrote 32 days ago

'Munshi Premchand', also known as Shakespeare of Hindi/Urdu literature...
Ramadan Sky reminded me of his style of writing in parts, simple innocent and observant description of characters and scenarios...
Wonderful read...Starred and shelved...
I am sure once edited with diligence, the published book will be read widely across the globe...
Good Luck Victoria,

Nightdream wrote 34 days ago

RAMADAN SKY BY VICTORIA HUNTER

Not a bad read at all. Love the ideas of where this is going. However, I think you need to trim it down a little and figure out what is important and what isn’t. The voice of Fajar comes off as very young. Maybe it’s because you start off the story that way and then go into his older self. But I give you 6 stars.

CHAPTER 1
The first sentence reads funny. After finding out that the father is dead, it reads even more slow because of the ‘is’. Should it be ‘was’ instead? You say he IS head of the family . . . but he’s dead already so how can he still be head of the family? maybe you just have to change the ‘is’ in the ‘who is the head of the family’.

‘the teacher’ . . . what kind of teacher? math teacher? English teacher? I would like you to give us a one or maybe two word description of this teacher. It would add more to the scene.

Reread: ‘. . . and I could see his face was troubled. Your father has . . . He seemed upset with me somehow’. So you say he’s troubled and then he seems upset. This comes off as repetitive. I would delete one of them. however, if you do delete one, then make sure it still flows.

I’m guessing Fajar is a females name? I am not sure though and because of this I doubt what the MC is. If there is a way for us to know early on then put it in. It’s in first person so it’s hard to know. (JUST FOUND OUT THAT FAJAR IS A YOUNG BOY). So this is what I mean: I read 2 pages worth thinking it was a girl. Some readers will not know Fajar is a boy. In many of the notes below I say ‘her’ which now is not true.

I think it would be stronger if you put: ‘your father has gone to Allah, Fajar” somewhere after the following paragraph. You will have to change some words in that paragraph though but I like the idea that your main character is describing ‘it was hard for him to tell me, as if he were weighing up all of the consequences of that one piece of . . . . small frame.’

See if you can come up with another metaphor instead of a set of dominoes. it’s used a lot.

‘It was the same teacher who had helped . . .’ It seems like you are ONLY going to give us a little background on the teacher and then go back to the scene with Fajar finding out that her father died, but you don’t. Then you jump to another scene. I think you need to reword ‘it was the same teacher who had helped . . .’

This whole dentist scene seems unnecessary. I think you can talk about it in a sentence or two but you need to stick with the death of her father. That’s what is pulling the story along. I know it’s only the beginning but you don’t really want to jump all around, at least the way you do it. I say delete it or trim it to a sentence.

Soooo . . . Fajar finds out her father is dead from her teacher, Dedi and then Dedi walks her down the road to the bus stop. What happened in between? It just feels weird how instead of describing what happens you talk about the dentist scene which doesn’t really seem to be that important.

You can even tell us that it was Dedi who pulled her tooth BRIEFLY when Fajar rubs her tongue over her empty cavity. you can say . . ‘rotted tooth had been so cleverly removed by Dedi a few days ago.’ something along those lines.

I like how Fajar is on the bus and traveling alone. it shows a lot about him.

For some reason I was reading this story like Fajar JUST heard about his father’s death and he was put on a bus. Even though you say he died mid-November, the way you tell the story, it comes off as though Fajar just found out. You say stuff like ‘the day my father died’ and then he get’s on the bus and goes home to a father ALREADY in a coffin. Just make this more clear.

Bapak will one day be run over by a bus . . lol. :)

Tell the reader what a ‘Jakarta’ is.

I think you should make the whole death part in the beginning be a prologue. This was when Fajar was little. Now you are talking about when he is older so . . . make this the beginning of the story (Chapter 1). If you don’t make the beginning in a prologue or split the chapter in two, then this is one long first chapter. For an online read it’s VERY long. I know it can be fine for print but for this site people don’t like to read long first chapters. my beginning is only 5 pages in print and online it comes off just right for an authonomy read.

For the dialogue really think about using quotes. Italics don’t work that well when you use ‘he said’/’she said’

‘My eldest brother watched me come in . . .’ this whole paragraph needs to be made into 2-3 paragraph.

ERRORS

and asked for me and . . . and asked for me, and (you can also delete the second ‘and’ and just start a new sentence. it might flow better.

after that he tied . . . after that, he tied

birth mark . . . should be one word

with many stops and . . . with many stops, and

we neared the centre . . . I’m assuming you are British because you spell ‘center’ as ‘centre’ which in that case it’s okay. :)

normal colour and the . . . normal colour, and the

‘with the storm coming’ formatting error.

floor by window next . . . error

for two years and my mother . . . for two years, and my mother

But my lessons had already . . . make sure this whole sentence has some commas put in the right spots.

Make sure you go through your manuscript and check that you aren’t missing any commas. You have many IF and AFTER and WHEN statements where no commas are put in.

it’s you who wants to break with me . . . error

JD Revene wrote 34 days ago

From the One to Watch blog, here's what HC had to say:

"A few people have been talking about the novel that I've chosen as this week's One to Watch, so if you've not read it yet, it's time to see what the fuss is about:

Ramadan Sky by Victoria Hunter

Ramadan Sky is a literary novel set in Indonesia, an area rarely covered in literature. The story begins with a young boy of twelve being told that his father has died. Yet, despite this sad opening, there is a naivety and sweetness to the narrative that prevents the tone from feeling too heavy. As the narrative progresses, the boy, Fajar, grows up as the youngest son of a large family, and there are new challenges to contend with.

I was drawn to this manuscript because of the writing style, which is concise, and subtle, yet evocative and very readable. I was reminded of Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie – a personal favourite of mine. Within just a couple of paragraphs, Victoria establishes a subtle, but undeniably rich setting; we are also introduced to an intriguing dynamic, in the form of our protagonist Fajar’s relationship with his teacher, Dedi, which opens a window on Fajar’s own personality. "

La Marmonie wrote 36 days ago

I've read a bit of this and love your style. Just my sort of thing. Because of that, I have decided to put it on my shelf, and will continue to read later.
I'm sure it will do well.
Marilyn

Deborah Aldrich Farhi wrote 39 days ago

This is as delightful a read as I'd expected when I first stumbled onto it months ago. I've been waiting for a chance to begin reading, and having read the first chapter, I am drawn in.
It needs a bit of editing, as you probably are aware. The paragraphs are very long and need some breaks, but that's not a big deal. For the most part it reads very smoothly, but there were a couple of missing commas. In this sentence: 'I saw that it was and also wasn't my father' I think it would be easier to read if it said: ' I saw that it was, and at the same time that it was not my father.'
Also I was confused by the two names Bin and Binh. Are they the same person?
Overall rating- 6 stars! This is fantastic! On the shelf.

FrancesK wrote 43 days ago

How I wish I had had this book with me when I was in Jakarta as a fiftysomething English tourist! I can't think of one classic work of literature that has come out of Indonesia, but now we have one. A book that reminds me of Midnight's Children or Passage to India. Ripping aside the curtains to reveal what is really going on behind those polite, ever-hopeful smiles. I give this 6 stars for its detail and honesty, and will shelve it next time I change books. Thanks for taking me back to my backpacking past - Fan K

AndrewStevens wrote 46 days ago

This is fabulous stuff, Victoria. I can see why JD is such a fan. Six stars and on my shelf.

The prose is just so smooth with a subtly lyrical, almost poetic feel to much of the phrasing and word choice. I lost count of the number of beautifully written, stunningly original turns of phrase and powerfully evocative descriptions. It really is a joy to read.

Although at times in the opening chapter, I did struggle to pin down the narrator’s precise age and, initially at least, even whether they were male or female, the tone of the narration as a whole is utterly convincing. I think it’s so difficult to reproduce a narrative delivered by someone who’s first language isn’t English but you seem to have managed this effortlessly. I’m still not sure whether this is Fajar narrating in English or simply a stylised translation from the Javanese but I don’t think this matters. For me, it’s the overall effect that’s important and at no point in the opening chapter did I doubt for an instant the authenticity of the narrative voice. Fantastic stuff.

The sense of place is subtly but persuasively evoked. It would be so easy to overdo the cultural references and spoil the overall effect. It’s the restraint with which you hint at the narrator’s environment that works so well. The detail is there but it’s always in the background, adding tremendous colour and depth without ever intruding on the narrative. I did, in the beginning, think this was a period piece (1950s? 1960s?) but the refs later on to McD and ganja make clear it’s set more recently. Not sure if this matters, tho?? The dialogue works well to flesh out the various characters as well as adding good energy to the scenes and reinforcing the cultural identity of the piece. Cleverly done.

To be honest, I have no idea where the story’s going (you don’t give much away in your blurb!!) but I’m perfectly willing to tag along for the ride!! It’s the quality of writing, I think, that makes or breaks a book of this type and I can honestly say I don’t think I’ve read anything better in the four years I’ve been an authonomy member. This is as close to flawless writing as it gets.

Best of luck with this, Victoria. You deserve every success. I’ll read on when I get a chance. Thanks. Andrew.



Observations made as I went along (please feel free to ignore!!):

I love the simplicity, almost vagueness of the description of the teacher’s room (eg ‘and a number of books’) Just right for the narrator’s age/emotional state.

‘shocked at so much hair and salt’ thrown slightly by this. I assume you’re referring to the teacher’s hairy fingers and the salty taste of skin?? maybe have her shocked by the size/roughness of the fingers and the taste of a stranger’s skin??

‘The blood drained quickly from my face’ – POV-wise this doesn’t feel quite right?? maybe just have her feeling light headed??

Love the image of the girl turning to wave but only seeing her teacher’s back. So sad and very real.

‘and tired with smoke’ – not sure if this works??

‘with my suitcase’ – this threw me. Unless I missed something, this is the first ref to her suitcase. Was the school a boarding school or does she normally take a suitcase to school. Either way, I think the reader needs a little more??

New para at ‘The truth is our house…’?? Otherwise (given the age of the narrator) it’s a very long para. Generally I think many of the paragraphs could be broken up into smaller mini paras??

‘Even now when I am telling the story…’ It’s at this point that I’m beginning to wonder precisely how old the narrator is. How long has passed since her father died? I’m assuming she’s still a child but I don’t know and the doubt is interfering with my read.

Her thoughts on the futility of life/inevitability of death are so sad and involving. Fabulous writing.

Terrific sense of place. The detail is subtly woven into the narrative. Cleverly done.

‘Children rose like ragged birds’ now I’m thinking the narrator is an adult??

‘a cold stone BOY…’ ah!! Again, unless I missed something, there’s no reference to the narrator’s sex before this point. I assumed the story was being told by a girl/woman (I’m not sure why?? The tone just felt more feminine than male?? I don’t mean this as a criticism, by the way. I can quite easily accept that the narrator is male and is simply recounting his time as a gentle, sensitive twelve-year-old) Maybe give some hint in the first couple of paras so readers don’t make the same mistake I did??

Love the image of the wives constantly spinning homes like spiders!!

Maybe hint at the precise age of the narrator (what’s his name, by the way?? maybe I missed it?? is it Fajar, as in the chapter title?? not clear to me or many readers I suspect that this is the narrator’s name??) You say that many years have passed since he was 12 but his hanging out with his friends at night, taking part in motorbike races etc suggest a teenager/very young man?? Maybe add his age for clarity??

‘Have an umbrella…etc’ love this!! little snippets like this provide real cultural depth to the narrative. Terrific stuff.

Not quite sure what to make of the boss squeezing Fajar’s balls!!?? Is he genuinely misguidedly checking for virginity or is he just a pervert?? Does Fajar know what’s going on??

‘…six weeks and no work, she came…’ – who’s ‘she’?? It’s clear it’s his fiancée later on but the initial confusion is unsettling??

‘a wave of fury’ – compared to all the other very original imagery/phrasing this felt rather clichéd??

Another very long para. Maybe break up??

Love the end to the chapter. Beautifully written and intriguing. Definitely makes me want to read on.

kimchi wrote 50 days ago

Hi!!

I'm sorry it took me so long to read this!! I wish I had started earlier!!! I"ve been reading it at school in between lesson planning. But I've done more reading than lesson planning. ^_^

It's great. I love the way you portray Indonesia. It made me want to go back and visit again.

Thanks!

Carrie
Kimchi and Classrooms

M. A. McRae. wrote 51 days ago

I began reading this on the recommendation of JD Revene, and at first, thought it not my style at all. I have never liked narratives that jump from 1st person to different first person.
But. I liked this, then I liked it a great deal, and finally I see that it is a real and true message of the lives of men and women, and the hypocricy that allows a man to demand a virgin as a wife, but still feels himself free to have sex with another.
This is a very good story, and I think it will do very well indeed. Well done, Marj.

northside salta wrote 53 days ago

Love what I've read of this.

JD Revene wrote 54 days ago

Victoria,

I promised some time ago to take a look at your work. So here I am!

Before I begin I should warn I tend to be both verbose and picky. With respect to the latter I advise taking all comments with a pinch of salt, few of us here are professionals after all. I take notes as I read, often these focus on the nits, but in such cases I summarise at the end, focusing on what I like.

So caveats out of the way, I will begin with the book page. The first thing I notice here is that apart from marking your work as fiction and literary fiction you have also selected travel. For me, this is a non-fiction genre. My approach here is to consider where in a book shop you would like to see your work shelved, then choose accordingly. I can't think of a book shop (and God knows I spend enough time in them) with a fiction travel section.

I notice you have a generic cover. If you can make one yourself or find someone to do it for you, it's worth doing: a good cover catches the eye and generates reads.

Your short pitch is striking. I like it. Yet I have a few quibbles. I will list them all, but remembering that the whole actually works for me.

--You begin 'To them' and I wonder who the pronoun refers to;

--In the second sentence you have three adjectives for two nouns;

--'electric black' is not a combination I've often heard, and I'm afraid it conveys nothing to me (but I'm bloke and, of course, have a limited colour vocabulary);

--the second sentence trails off with points of ellipse, but it is a question and I'd feel an urge to incorporate a question mark; and

--lastly, despite the poetry, I'm not sure what's actually conveyed by this log line.

However, despite all the niggles, as I said before, I like it. What appeals, I think, is mainly the rhythm and any changes might damage that.

The long pitch is similar: its strength is the poetry of the language; but it is a distant viewpoint (it actually reminds me somewhat of The Bride Stripped Bare, despite not being second person, not sure why); and there is little here of the traditional pitch.

On the last point, I normally look for the main characters to be introduced, the setting established, a reference to how the story begins, something about the essence of what follows and a hint either of the ending or the key question the work addresses. And I find that the best pitches tend to have a beginning, a middle and an end.

Your characters are anonymous. The setting, though, is established (by the way is Indonesian the language, I thought it something like Bahasa) as for the story, well really there's nothing.

A couple of more specific points:

--you have another sentence that is a question but does not end with a question mark (beginning 'And what the hell she is doing here . . .).

--there are a couple of places where I felt words added little and that there omission would not damage the rhythm:

--first, 'The morning call to prayer rings out as he [finally] stops talking . . .'; and

--second, 'They begin their dance [straight away] without speaking . . .'.

Having read this pitch I have no idea what to expect when I read on, except that it will literary and the language will be beautiful. If I read this on the back of a book in a shop I might turn it over and read the first page, but I might not.

However, having promised a read, I shall turn to the first page--that's roughly thirteen lines or in the case of your work, the first three paragraphs. Here I read straight through and then ask myself again, would I read on. In a book shop that's the point at which I part with cash for the work.

So, I read through those first three paragraphs and would, without a doubt read on: as expected the language is beautiful.

My only observation is one of aesthetics (although, I hope a practical aspect of that obscure field). Your font appears to be Courier or something similar. This is rarely used for MSs now, though it was once the standard. However, when it was used the convention was to indicated italics by underlining as the type face is not especially legible in italic. You seem to use italics to indicate speech (normally set in roman and marked by quotation marks) and whilst I would rarely recommend it (and, in fact, have often recommended against it) I would suggest you consider using underline where you currently have italics (changing the font would be even better).

There is a general point with the opening that little happens, but I think there's enough--with writing this beautiful--to keep the reader's attention.

I just read the opening paragraph again--something having troubled me--and realised that you changes tenses midway through the paragraph. The first two sentences are present tense, whilst the last is the past. This shift is not necessarily a problem, but I wonder if it can somehow be smoothed, perhaps be a device as simple as a paragraph break.

Reading on.

A few paragraph later I come to one that flows less well, the paragraph beginning 'The day my father died . . .'. A few observations on this paragraph:

--'[Finally] my teach disappeared into the smog . . .' first, I believe 'finally' can be omitted (much as I suggested in the long pitch, I'd only use this word when whatever is ceasing has been shown to endure for some time);
--More importantly, this jarred for me, in my mind Dedi had already disappeared into the smoke and I wondered why we were talking about him again;
--the use of 'rooster' twice in close proximity felt awkward;
--the first mention also felt clumsy to me, you have:

'I turned my attention to a magnificent golden rooster that was staring rudely at me from its seat on the lap of a young woman.'

this another instance where I feel the modifiers (adjectives and adverbs) are overdone. The adverb in particular sits uncomfortably for me, not because it is an adverb--I have nothing against them--but because it is anthropomorphic here and that seems an indulgence for something that, I suspect, has little significance in the greater scheme of things. You also use continuous past here relying on the auxiliary verb 'was' to do so, and I wonder whether there present participle alone isn't sufficient. So, I'd probably render it something like:

'I turned my attention to a golden rooster staring at me from the lap of a young woman.'

(Note, I have minimalist tendencies that are very much at odds with your style, but even given that I do believe there are places you could prune, the above is intended as an illustration, nothing more.)

--Next sentence the opening 'Some' could be omitted, for me doing so would give the sentence more force; and

--there are a couple more uses of 'was' in the paragraph both of which I believe could be avoided ('sniffed now and again' and 'I thought') without any harm to meaning or rhythm.

In the following long paragraph there is an odd symbol (a sort of bold vertical line) mid paragraph, between the words 'father' and 'somehow'. Not sure what this is or if it is intentional. There's another later on, in the paragraph in which you return to the present tense, and another later (and I'm beginning to wonder if it occurs where there should be an em dash).

I've read to the end of chapter one now. I see that you move, in the main effortlessly, between present and past. There is a fascinating--and very delicate--balance between a naive narrator, and beautiful prose. At times I feel there are too many modifiers crowding the bones of the story, but not often and the beauty of this relies on the language, so care would have to be exercised in pruning.

The story unfold slowly, but that too, I think is okay in part due to the beauty of the language, in part because you are introducing your readers to a world that will be unfamiliar to most of them.

I suppose there are some parallels to The Kite Runner, literary fiction with young male protagonist in an unfamiliar setting (also Not a Man by the Aussie writer MA McCrae, which was on the Editors' Desk here a few months back). It is a gentle--perhaps old-fashioned would be a better word--read, but with dark undertones. The language may be poetic, but the events are not, they're prosaic and, in the main, sad, leaving a sense of pathos.

Starting chapter two, I guess that Fajar was the name of the viewpoint character in chapter one, I confess I had assumed it was a place name! I must read more carefully.

Random observation, but is 'Soekarno' an alternative spelling of 'Sukarno', which seems to be the spelling I recall?

Odd here the reference to being the first time the narrator has heard the call to prayer after reference to returning to an old friend. I'm now unsure whether the narrator has been here before or not (though that's soon cleared up).

Slightly surprised that what seems--unless I've missed something, but scanning back up the page I don't think I have--the first reference to Marion is the confession she hasn't had sex in eight years!

Then a reference to Ricky the Pom, are you another Aussie?

So, this chapter is as easy the first to read, and equally beautiful, though perhaps slightly less florid. The contrast between the first chapter's insiders view and the second chapter's outsiders view works well.

If I have one qualm about this, it is that despite structural differences the two narrators' voices are not sufficiently differentiated. Sure one chapter is third person and predominantly past tense, and the other is first person and predominantly present tense, but the descriptive passages have much the same quality. It's a hard thing to do, but I feel there should be more difference between the viewpoint of a young Indonesian and an older westerner.

Reading chapter three now. I think there's a missing letter in one sentence (paragraph begining 'He took me to the factory . . .):

--The[n] he wanted to drive me home . . .

If I'm right, you might want to look at this sentence and the following one, as both will start with 'Then'.

And there's another missing letter in Aryanti's next line of dialogue:

'I am happy to visit you[r] sister if she will be home.'

Now, I've realised that Fajar is the boy looking out for Aryanti (and I assume he is also the driver in the previous chapter). I wonder though if these threads could be made clearer. Of course, it could just be that I am a particularly dense reader!

This chapter, like the previous one, is slightly less florid in it's description, but otherwise feels a lot like the first. Again, I'd like the various narrators' viewpoints more strongly differentiated.

So, this is where I stop. After three chapters I have a sense of a work that is well written, and will offer an insight into another place. The overall feel, for me, is old-fashioned and perhaps a little wistful. I feel this is the sort of thing I could curl up and read quite comfortably.

Having said that, I've just scrolled up the page and realise that three chapters the connection to the pitch is unclear to me . . .

However, the work is well edited in terms of grammar and such, all I noticed was two missing letters in the last chapter I read. And as I have remarked, more than once, the language is beautiful. A love of words and an appreciation of rhythm is evident throughout. I would like to see more contrast in viewpoints, but that's something hard to do and which I suspect comes only after a rewrite or two--when the characters' voices are clearer to you. And, of course, there's a matter of occasional over exuberance (at least for my taste) in the descriptive passages.

Before I close, I should perhaps say a word more about exuberance, the proliferation of modifiers I referred to, particulary in the first chapter. I have found that often in literary fiction of the descriptive type too many embellishments can overwhelm the most beautiful parts of the works. When it is done at its best I tend to see that a descriptive passage has a focal point that is exquisitely detailed--and often used as a motif through the passage--but that other details are described more sparely, relying in the main on precisely chosen nouns and verbs, just as a spectacular gem is often set on a plain mount so as not to distract. Again, your prose is without beautiful, but I do feel that beauty could shine even more with very careful pruning.

In any case, I'm giving this five stars and keeping it on my watch list. Spaces on my shelf are rare (when I back works they usually stay there either until they make the desk or until the author takes the work down) and my next opening has already been promised to another, but I like this a lot.

Good luck with it, JD

leelah wrote 55 days ago


This is art.
Yes -this is mesmerizing, as klouholmes says - and in a wonderful way. Reading the first chapter, I was transported to jamaica, which is foreign to me - but I was there.
I felt myself b r e a t h e while reading - it felt like sitting i n a mellow river, filled with smells from the landscape around. You have an uncanny talent for descriptions that burst with L I F E .
This is art.
"---they watched me together with 4 eyes and many claws waiting to pounce."
And:
"The beginning of change is a small laneway that opens like magic into a rice-field."
Some of your expressions are so "organic" that they are healing: the perception is so full, so precise, and I can take part of it and allowing myself to be healed by its fullness.
Did I mention that this is art?
toprated - watchlisted - waiting for a shelfspace
Leelah Saachi
"When fear comes home to love"
Leelah Saachi

Ariom Dahl wrote 57 days ago

I read all of this and it was a fascinating look at an unfamiliar culture. At the same time I have to admit to not LIKING any of the characters. The text messages between Vic and Aryanti were jarring but believable and at the end I was left with a feeling of sadness for everyone concerned. No grammatical glitches or such.

klouholmes wrote 64 days ago

Hi Victoria, This is so convincingly written from Fajar's POV in the first chapter. The details of his schooling and his job are done in a mesmerizing style, capturing the ambiance of his setting. Phrases like "children rose like ragged birds..." and what follows are evocative. The protagonist's struggle to obtain work that would please his girlfriend's mother is ensconced in the background setting. The paragraphs are long and might be split to make this even more readable. But I was drawn in and kept there by the narrative and its depiction of Jakarta. The synopsis is also intriguing with the expectation of further dimension in the story. Shelved - Katherine

earthlover wrote 79 days ago

Read chapter 1. I enjoyed reading about Jakarta. I feel sorry for Fajar, having to leave school after winning the English award for two years in a row. The bike race was exciting! I like how the end of chapter 1 leads the reader to turn the page to read chapter 2. The death of his father, the funeral, and the hopeless situation your MC finds himself in, are told beautifully with your words. I like the metaphor of stone, slowly creeping up on Fajar, until he himself is nothing but stone. As the reader, I wonder what it is that's happened, the small change of light in his situation. I wonder if Aryanti and Fajar are going to part ways forever.
The passage about the tooth was quite shocking! Is McD's, McDonalds? I already have a dislike for the Elder brother and the sister-in-law.
Best of luck!
Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

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