The Dark Citadel

An excellent couple of opening chapters where my initial concern about your twisting of Genesis, not from religious reasons but from a fear it wouldnt work, were soon allayed. You have built your world clearly and concisely without me having to stop and pause to think "eh? How does that work then?". In particular your brief, to the point, yet totally effective description of how the children are distributed flowed seamlessly within the story without coming across as an info dump.
Often when I see YA I wince internally as I find in many ways it turns out as either a kids book trying to be edgy, or an adult book watered down, but this appears to be neither of those. The brutality of the guards and sinister nature of many aspects of your story make thus an adult read, and one teenagers will enjoy all the more for it.
Well done, I would certainly read more given the time.

James

Jane, I love the blend of the familiar themes and genres mixed in such a fresh way. I see what they meant about comparing Oko and Dark Citadel, but I was happy to see that beside the post-apocalyptic scene and a doomed female protagonists our books are quite different, because reading yours was so refreshing. The triumph of the evil in such a literal, biblical way was pretty awesome to read, especially since it's so well thought out and developed. I really liked Deborah, but not only because she's spirited, but because she's spirited in a believable way. Often, when you have a protagonist like that in a setting like this, it doesn't come across realistic - a young girl in a society like this would be beaten into compliance or sneakiness pretty quickly, but you did a stellar job in making Deborah believable through backstory and character traits. I love that she's so flawed, too -- her flare for the dramatic and need to cause chaos and trouble for everyone (even her friends) make for a compelling read, and even though I'm not sure I like her yet, I'm definitely interested where her uncontrollable temper will take her. The world is pretty well-realized, though I have to say I'm a bit confused about the labels of the people, I think that information needs to be used in the scene somewhere, preferably with an Ignorant and another member of the society (like Deborah's) interacting. This could happen in the beginning, in the prologue for example. By the way, just a personal opinion, but I'm not sure you need the prologue -- it reads information "dumpy" and long. I do feel bad for the babies, but I feel as though I need more character work there, like someone important to the story actually involved in this conflict (maybe it's coming later). Another quick comment is the scenes -- I feel like I need more of them in the narrative (eg. - when the bad guy is pacing in his office thinking about the demon, if you make it into a scene of an actual confrontation with the demon, you can use the scene to expose information without it feeling like a narrative). I'm sure you'll make the fitting changes once you're done with the story, so I wouldn't worry about them now, it's just a thought. Long story short -- I love the concept, the main character and the amount of conflict here. Great foundation for a startling book! You really know how to rock the darkness and the weirdness and I love it.

Elena -- "Oko"

Jane,
You have done a masterful job of creating a dark, terrifying world and wrapping it in a cloak of despair. Abaddon's mimickry of the book of Genesis already had chills running down my spine, but then the scene with the babies... my heart broke and I almost stopped reading. It was a very strong emotional scene for me, and you painted it so clearly that I could picture the poor babies. I don't think you could have started this novel off any stronger or painted a clearer picture of the type of world that Deborah was going to be pitted against.
You have so many original ideas tied up into this one story that it is a veritable cornicopia of discovery for a new reader. Every element adds or strips away a layer of the mystery, such as Deborah's origins or the practices of the House of Births.
I usually don't read this level of fiction, but this I will highly star!
-Tamara

I wasn’t sure about the start – because if you are unfamiliar with the biblical parallel, it might miss its mark, and it has a tone to it that might put some people off. I think, if it is kept as a clearly separate prologue, it would be ok, because then no one would miss the actual start by thinking it wasn’t for them.

I think the actual start (1.) is knockout. The sleeping babies in the House of Birth, with the apparently normal nurses and nursery assisants; the drowsy, pink and blue suited babies and then – the little grimace as the needles are withdrawn from their hearts – wow.

I love the tags – The ignorant men, the goodwives, the biblical names and references (Abaddon is also a wizards name for the void as you may know.) The idea of all babies being put together then given out and then distributed is an awful thought, and I like the ‘Deodato’ or ‘Givenchild.’ Some original ideas here.

Deborah is a great character. Different, which your readers seem to like in a hero/ine and likeable. You have some good lines, too ‘Except Deborah Givenchild, she wanted her real parents back.’ Though I might have put a semi-colon there and not a comma: ‘Except Deborah Givenchild; she wanted her real parents back.’ Like Zachariah, too.

All in all, I like this. It has many elements perfect for the target group, and I don’t think there is anything in it that might not be ok for YA. They are more demanding than some people think. Have some good stars.
Cariad.

Still not sure how this bit of info keeps Deb. safe. Unless everyone in her community knows to keep their hands off her....

Here in the U.S., people get killed for being different. It's not frequent and there's some randomness in it, but you paint Deb as so different that I believe she would be targeted by someone. The fact that she knows that people are afraid of her is a very good reason to not be the mouthy person in the group. Spunk is great, but prudence is underrated. :)

K

Hi Jane,

You are working with a great concept here. Reminds me a little bit of "The Giver" or maybe "The Last Book in the Universe" - that same kind of vibe - which is excellent.

The one thing I don't understand is why Deborah has been allowed to live. She seems exactly what this society would not tolerate. After reading the first three chapters, that is what stood out the most to me. If you could explain that, I think it would help remove that question and allow me to settle into your story. As is, no one is comfortable with her and from what I can tell, this isn't a place that puts up with differences whatsoever. Why wasn't she already been done away with?

But other than that, wow, what a great beginning.

Kathryn

It amazed me how you twist the words of the bible in your opening. I like it

This is well crafted and carefully plotted, and evokes a chilling dystopia reminiscent of Brave New World, but with touches of Frank Peretti's "This Present Darkness" in the way you merge the physical and the spiritual. The dark version of Genesis is clever, original and nasty! The killing of the babies is also surprising, clever ... and nasty!

My only reservation about this is that sadly, few teenagers have the knowledge of the Bible to appreciate the subtlety of it. As an English teacher I an perennially irritated by how little they know, and there is so much here to miss. Well worth pursuing - and backing.
Rachel

Yarg Review,

From your rather quirky sounding pitch and brightly coloured cover I certainly wasn't expecting so much fire and brimstone. However, that's never a bad thing!

You have some very strong images and affecting scenes in the opening chapters and you established the mood very well. I found your revised Genesis very original but felt that it would have worked better as a one paragraph introduction or split up amongst the chapters. I feel that a lot of the info we gain in the prologue could be shown a little more subtly in the main narrative. Though, as I said, I did like the style you used, I just didn't think it was an immediate enough opening to pull us into the plot.

The first main chapter on the other hand is very strong. The at first hard to believe image of the babies receiving their injections is surprisingly eclipsed by the following scenes. I felt that you should start things off here as it really is a terrifying picture whereas the details of this corrupt world can reveal themselves as the plot progresses. Also impressive later on is the Nazi-esque brainwashed voices discussing the way in which the people have brought the punishment on themselves, really chilling and well considered.

With regards to my reservations, my biggest one was whether you could consider this aimed at the teen market as I felt the general mood was too dark.

Here are my close comments

Prologue

was called Hell so that they may creep upon the Earth,
- can may be used in the past tense?

placed two demons with fiery swords at the gates of the city so no man DARED leave.

And in the Book it was written, all the Elders knew; that
-comma

I thought the pink and blue pyjamas, while a nice image, seemed like rather too much care had been taken of the babies which were about to be murdered

The demon’s mouth wrinkled into a grin and its great BAT ears turned
- I found the demon paragraph here to be rather an unnecessary distraction at this stage. It jumps away from the action too soon

The man’s face puckered up in agony but he fought back the death
-you've already used "pucker" on a previous page - even as an intentional device this feels repetitive.

Ezekiel etc.
-as this is supposed to be an anti-Christian/pagan society it was strange to me that you had chosen a lot of biblical names. I know they have a gothic tone which suits the book but it felt rather at odds with the content.

Suddenly it sensed her presence, and waves of hatred rolled down the dingy street. The waves of hatred followed the girl, running dogs,
- Again the repetition here doesn't really work

This really isn't my genre but you write well and have created a very effective opening to your novel with a well sustained mood.

Highly rated,

best of luck

Benedict

Sorry for the delay with my comment Jane. Work keeps me pretty busy sometimes. Firstly, I am not here to correct errors in gramma and spelling. I am here to read and be captivated by the story. In my opinion if the story is strong enough it will capture the reader regardless. Writers write. Editors edit.
Anyway, I just wanted to say what an original idea. I love the use of an imagined future reality and the way you use comparisons to our own faith and belief. I sense testing times ahead in more ways than one and I believe this book will challenge the reader on many levels. For this reason I look forward to reading more when I get some time and will return for chapter 2 asap. Well done on a great start!

Hi Jane,

Just read Chapter Two. Very dark, my god...I hope no one ever has to live in a world like the one you've created lol! Brilliantly written, and very disturbing because of that. Is earth ruled by some kind of fundamentalist religion as well as a totalitarian government in the time of your story, then? I'm waiting to find out how it became that way originally, or what led things to develop like that, unless it was simply that there was this terrible war that is referenced which somehow allowed Abaddon to escape from Hell and takeover the world. Does he control the Elders too, then? I have so many questions! :D

Excellent stuff, I'll read chapter three soon. :) Thankyou so much for your continuing support as well!

Tristram x

I read your prologue and first four chapters.

General comments: A deep, dark, demonic start. Totally captivating. Deborah is an interesting central character. Wise. Clever. Stubborn. Evocative narrative. Sharp descriptions. Strong sense of place. Effective world building. Plenty of tension. Swift pacing.

Specific comments on the prologue:
1) And Abaddon said, Let us take the soul of a man and ... If you don't put quotes around what Abaddon says, then 'Let's' should be lowercase.
2) ' ... and filled the hearts of the city Elders.' 'Elders should be lowercase. Political offices are common nouns and should not be capitalized. There are more cases of this type of problem

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) In the paragraph that begins, 'The captain bawled loud enough ... ' consider reducing the number of exclamation marks by half. Overuse diminishes their effectiveness.
2) Good end of chapter hook.

Specific comment on the second chapter:
1) ' ... babies were born and stocked in the house of births to be distributed ... ' You've previously capitalized 'house of births.'

Specific comment on the third chapter:
1) No nits.

Specific comments on the fourth chapter:
1) 'But behind the sleek steel door of the lowest level, below the store room, ... ' 'Store room' is one word.
2) Excellent end of chapter hook. Who wouldn't turn the page after reading that line?

I hope these comments help you further polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Oak" and let me know how I might improve it?

Have a marvelous day, Jane.

Al

Interesting...very interesting. I really like this. Will be back to tomorrow and will elaborate when I have read some more. In the mean time I wish you luck.
Polly Lewis

backing it for the captivating pitch...
j

Hi Jane,

Deeply disturbing! Lol...I thought I was twisted.

I loved the intro, the way it was a literal reversal of the beginning of the Bible. Very evil in an awesome kind of way. :)

So am I right in thinking that this is some kind of really dark post-apocalyptic future where the earth is ruled by a fascist or authoritarian government, I.E., the Elders? Sounds like it...genocide, systematic extermination of the "unwanted", even innocent babies...most of whom are mutants...vicious executions...wow, I wouldn't want to live in this world, awesome to read about as it is! :D

I also liked the relentless pacing. No really slow parts...just one thing after another. Very well done.

My only complaints are: 1. It's actually a little too unremittingly dark; as in, there doesn't seem to be much light or hope, except at the very end. That was a nice little twist. Everyone else seems to be either brutally cynical, coldblooded housewives, desperate men and women who want to see their children, but who are badly educated or something "the Ignorants", the evil ruling Elders, who I'm guessing are rulers over the land and control the vicious sadistic guards and captains...certainly dark! That's not a bad thing though. I just think maybe having a little more hope earlier on might help to draw the reader in more - either that, or make the ending of Chapter 1 even more hopeful. Just an idea though, it's still excellently done. :)

Also, I only wrote one short story with baby killing in it, and that was even more screwed up than that part in your story lol! :D Mine was more Roald Dahl influenced though, so it's just different.

Great stuff though! And no darker than my story really, all truth be told... :D

Tristram

The Dark Citadel. Your pitches promise a hectic read. What does Abaddon mean?

Ch.1. Prologue. Ah-ha! I have my answer already! A clever parody of the Creation, and a skilfully contrived expose of the theme of your book.
Ch.1. Do you want nits? 'Sleep/ing is repeated three times rather too closely. Others to search out: guards/man, back/wards, black, crept, peripheral, street, waves of hatred (Ch.2) dark/ness, futile.

Unnecessary/vague words, which could safely be deleted, thereby improving the flow of your story: still, just (Ch.4) seemed to.

That is a great odourous paragraph of the demon as it tasted the putrefaction.
A bloody scene indeed - you describe it well.
Two-headed kids? In the context, my mind says surely the demons would have rejoiced at those?

Ch.2. What a bleak picture of life in your world, well described. And the plot buildws nicely.

Ch.3. You've strayed into Hera's Point of View in the first paragraph. Then you go back to Deborah's when she hesitated.
This is a very short chapter - okay for authonomy, but perhaps better as a scene within a chapter in the 'real' world.

Ch.4. If you think about it - you could safely omit the phrases 'had a casual visitor ever been admitted', and 'that's all'. The result of such fine-tuning would be a more freely-flowing passage. But it's only my opinion!

This narrative chapter plods along rather. The information given is interesting and important for the story, but I'm wondering if it cant be imparted in a more lively way - incorporated into action and dialogue, perhaps?
I presume the Green Woman and the Green Witch are one and the same - or are they?

You have a great story here, and you know how to hook your reader towards the next chapter. I can imagine an older YA readership would enjoy it.
Multi-starred, and thankyou for the read - sorry I took so long to get to you.

Jane (Breath of Africa).

I have read the first three chapters of this. I think you have an interesting idea here for a story. It reminds me in part, of elements of The Handmaiden's Tale, a book called The Declaration and another called Delirium. As I'm not particularly into devils and demons and that kind of thing, I much preferred the chapters focussing on the characters and it is these that made me want to read on. I wonder what purpose the prologue serves and whether it is crucial to have it there. If it is I wonder if the information could be included another way at a different time. This is obviously just my thoughts and you need to be directed by your own instincts as the writer and the majority opinions of those who have read it.
Apart from the problem I had reading the Prologue, you have a very engaging style of writing. I am intrigued by the world you are building here. How have the people reached the predicament that they are in? I would definitely like to learn more and I hope to see in the coming chapters that this is expanded upon. Deborah is shaping up to be a believable character and the bit with the babies at the beginning of the chapter was shocking. I think you could milk it a bit more though, with some real heart-wrenching imagery and dialogue.
This is one worth watching. I hope you don't mind my comments and they do not feel harsh to you. I will place your book on my WL to return to and read more.
All the best with your writing.
Julia
Shadow Jumper

Jane, you got me hooked with your pitch. Its very original and quite unique. Ive been watching Alot of supernatural and it reminds me like a plot line. Your writing is very poetic and fluid. I thoroughly enjoyed your prologue and chapter one. Im looking forward to reading on. You have a very original story here and something special.

Just read the opening chapter of 'Dark Citadel', Jane - much impressed. I don't know what part of the Old Testament it reminded me of (Creation?) but the first few paras are divinely inspired. Yes, I did wonder who/what built the crystal Hemisphere, and why Abaddon cannot gain entry to it (maybe explain early on?), but this is nevertheless a marvellous fantasy romp (gave me the same chills I got when I first read Tolkien's 'Hobbit') and I'm more than happy to give it 6 stars.

Joe Kovacs
Ginger the Buddha Cat

(only one nit - I didn't like that 'fuckin' pigs' line, change it?)

Jane,
"The Dark Citadel" with its structure hinting at biblical inspiration, gripped me right from the start. You paint terrifying scenes with your descriptives, and like a juggernaut, your narrative progresses at a brisk, unrelenting pace from one situation to the next. Deborah is a feisty protagonist true to her beliefs and one cannot but cheer her on against overwhelming odds. Thank you so much for the entertaining read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Your writing is strong and works well with the subject matter. In a few instances you use a few phrases that because the other writing is so original seems a bit trite and occasionally I thought you could have used a better expression (e.g. fought back a desire to be sick), but all and all it's a good story, characters and plot.

Hi Jane,
Up to Chapter 8, and still really enjoying the book. It feels a very well-organized plot, which is a great attribute. I think Deborah's a fascinating, flawed character, and I love her tenacious sense of morality, even in the face of certain retribution. I like most of all that you've left a lot of room for her growth, because nobody wants a static character. I think you've created a fabulously upside-down allegorical world. Your descriptions of places feel foreign enough to be fantastical, and familiar enough for me to imagine them.
A couple of comments.
- "Ezekiel was an Ignorant, and Ignorants were different from other people." I like this sentence, but I think it has room for improvement. I don't want to give you any other suggestions, because it's your writing, but the sentence itself has so much potential; it just feels too simplistic.
- "He had no idea what his sentence was, he had not yet been tried, but Zachariah had committed one of the cardinal sins of Providence, he had tried to contact his birth mother." This sentence conveys a lot of really great information, and is well-written, but not well-structured. Consider breaking it into two sentences.
- On swearwords: I fucking love swearwords, and I use them myself in writing. I think, though, that they have to be used in the right place. I'm not sure a book geared towards 13-15 year olds is (although I KNOW they hear them, and it doesn't bother me). I'm not telling you to change it, because it's up to you, but just a thought.

I haven't any comment to make except that this is brilliant. Exciting, full of ideas and beautifully written. It sort of reminds me of 1984 mixed with John Wyndham but it's original at the same time. I will back it as soon as I can.

Hi Jayne,

I love your story. It’s a great tale with a beautifully crafted plot. Your dialogue is brilliant and your two main characters are very vivid.

I’m guessing you’ve aimed this at the younger end of the YA’s as your narrative style fits this age-group perfectly.

I think that your writing strengths and weaknesses are almost exactly the same as mine – except I think you probably give much better descriptions of surroundings than I ever could – so I’m not sure if I’m the best or the worst person to critique your book, but I’ll give you what I’ve put together and you can decide if it makes sense to you or if you want to just toss it in the bin. I’ve gone through chapter by chapter, so it should be easy to follow. There’s a lot of it (mainly typos) and I refer to passages, so you might want to copy it into word and print it out to go through it more easily. I’ve done this with the last critique I received, as he referred to particular passages in my book.

Chapter 1

Beginnings are always the hardest thing to get right. I’ve just stuck mine on Jack Cerro’s forum and with three critiques it’s improved out of sight.

My first thought was to suggest you do the same. I can see what you’re aiming to achieve, but originally I thought it was too long. You need to pare it back to the absolute essential points that you want to get across and nothing else. Two paragraphs at the most.

Well, that was my first thought. But the more of your book I read, the more I thought that maybe you were starting at the wrong place. Everything you’re saying in that initial prologue is being revealed beautifully and very cleverly in the story. If you didn’t tell everyone at the start just exactly what and why things will be occurring it would leave a lot more elements of curiosity, suspense and surprise. And you’re doing a great job of letting all the important facts come out naturally in your narrative.

Also, the very next bit, with the babies being murdered has a lot more impact as a starting point.

Right, well that’s the real whammy. Don’t toss the idea in the dust-bin just yet. Please. Have a think on it. It’s radical, but I think it will add real strength to your book. If you’re not sure, put both your start and my suggested start point onto Jack Cerro’s forum and see what comments you get. They’re very good at helping you see the wood when you’re stuck in the trees – or they were for me.


The only other major thing I noted shows up my complete ignorance as a critiquer (if there is such a thing), as I can see it isn’t right, but I can’t give you an easy fix. This is probably because these are the exact passages I have most trouble with (even more than descriptions – I just avoid those). It concerns your paragraph beginning ; ‘ A steel door fell…’ . I think there are several issues here. Partly it’s the sentence length. The sentence lengths don’t vary much, so it started to read a bit like a list. Secondly, everything is in the past tense, so it loses its immediacy and the reader doesn’t get pulled into the story the same. Thirdly, it needs a lot more emotion coming through. The one thing I’ve learnt about passages like these is that, the whole time you’re writing them, you have to think: How are they feeling, what are they thinking, what’s the dominant emotion? This technique may not work for you, but it helped me a lot.

Anyway, I’ve had a go at rewriting your paragraph so you can get an idea of what I’m meaning.
Again, this is just my view on it and you may consider it a load of garbage. That’s fine with me. I’m certainly no expert.

‘A steel door fell. It blocked the staircase, silencing the screams; echoing through the birthing wards. Desperate now, the men surged again with a frenzied roar. But the guards laid about them with clubs and batons. Skulls smashed. Kneecaps shattered…

The Ignorants limped backwards, slowly pressed outside by the guards. Trembling with helpless fury, they turned to leave – and found themselves confronting a detachment of guards; black visors hiding their faces, long, ceremonial lances in one hand, handguns raised in the other.

Panic erupted, racing like a tidal-wave through the small pack of Ignorants. They surged forward, desperate to break through, to flee. Bullets flew at point-blank range and screaming men fell beneath the feet of others, crushed and trampled unheeded in the blind rush to escape. Then suddenly the lances were lowered, encircling the men like wild boars.

The captain bawled loud enough to be heard across the square, “Insurrection! Treason! Ambushing His…’

Well, it would need a bit more work, but hopefully you can get an idea of what I’m meaning. I find this sort of stuff really hard and I’m sure I now err on the side of overwriting it. But I find it reasonably easy to pare back the overwritten bits when I’m editing. Hopefully it might work for you, too.


Okay, that’s it, really. There’s nothing else of a major nature that I could spot (like I’m an expert!). The rest is all line by line typo sort of stuff. Again, if you disagree, toss it out. So here goes, still on Chapter 1;

1) Line beginning; ‘The doctors, masked…’ (Use word find to locate it)
This needs a comma after ‘gloved’. If you insert extra info or asides, you need commas at both ends. The commas act like brackets. You do this quite a bit through your MS, but I’ve noted them all for you.

2) ‘ The men shouted at… ’
Use ‘ They ’ instead of ‘ The men ’

3) ‘ Skulls smashed… ‘
Remove ‘in the cold, systematic violence.’ It takes away the impact of the first part of the sentence and is you telling them what you want them to think of the scene rather than leaving the readers to decide for themselves.

Ch 2

I love this start. It really pulls the reader in and you get a good sense of Deborah’s feisty personality.

1) ‘She went to the door…’
Comma after ‘Baruch’

2) ‘Baruch turned white…’
Remove ‘with fear’. It comes through by saying he turned white. (I just whittled a whole heap of these out of my MS before I stuck it on Authonomy)

3) ‘That it was forbidden…’
‘The fact that it was forbidden…’ might give it more flow.

4) ‘The suffocating darkness…’
Comma after ‘retreated’

5) ‘ “Answer me! Whore’s whelp!” ‘
Put ‘ “Answer me, whore’s whelp!” ‘. Whore’s whelp is like a name in this case, like; “Answer me, Deborah!”

6) ‘ “Serpent’s spawn,” he muttered…’
‘ pushing Deborah aside ‘ is another instance where you’re inserting a bit of extra info, so it needs commas either side.

ie “Serpent’s spawn,” he muttered and, pushing Deborah aside, blundered up the stairs.

7) ‘Their smiling faces were…’
Take out the ‘were’. I think it will read better, even though it probably won’t be grammatically correct.

8) ‘They grew to be adolescents…’
Full-stop after ‘births’

9) ‘Her heart stopped beating…’
Full-stop after ‘name’

10) At this point I was very confused about Deborah and her parents. From what I’d read up to here, all I knew was that she was a Givenchild. So how could she know who her parents were? Her surname is Deodato; she’s living with her Givenparents. It wasn’t until the introduction of Zachariah that this confusion was answered – very succinctly actually, when you explained that he was removed from his mother and placed with other parents when she was married off to someone with two children. Can you do the same for Deborah at the very start of Chapter 2? Explain that, when her mother ran off and her father was imprisoned she was given to another couple, her givenparents, to bring up – and presumably her surname was changed. If you did this right at the beginning of this chapter then it wouldn’t be confusing at all.

Ch 3

1) ‘Hera looked hopefull.’
‘hopefull’ should be ‘hopeful’

2) ‘She knew Matron despised…’
Comma after ‘and’ and another after ‘plant’

3) ‘She did not know…’
Isn’t her Givenfamily considered family?

Ch 4

1) ‘The private apartments…’
Comma after ‘shocked’

2) ‘The central administrative…’
Semi-colon after ‘buildings’

This is a nice paragraph. I’m jealous. I suck at description.

3) ‘The faint scent of panting…’
Hyphen after ‘throats’, not semi-colon
Hyphen after ‘despair’
‘twittering’ of despair? What about ‘ragged groans’? Twitters don’t really evoke a sense of despair.
Comma after ‘darkness’

4) ‘Certainly not the Ignorant children…’
Comma after ‘children’
No comma after ‘gutters’

5) ‘Not only did he recognize…’
Comma after ‘grown’
Comma after ‘fungus’

6) ‘For the moment…’
Comma after ‘use’

7) ‘Smiling to himself…’
Try making ‘desk of sumptuous red mahogany’ ‘sumptuous, red-mahogany desk’. Or just ‘sumptuous, mahogany desk’. I think it will flow better.

8) ‘Wherever she was, the Green Witch was…’
Make it; ‘Wherever the Green Witch was, …’ otherwise there are two ‘was’ very close together. It also tightens the sentence.
Fullstop after ‘agony’

9) How can Deborah be the hostage? She’s wandering around free.
Should it be; ‘Because the hostage ‘will be’ her daughter, Deborah.’ ?

Ch 5

1) ‘Deborah’s heart leapt…’
Should be ‘was leaping’ but that sounds odd, so you could put a full-stop at the end of ‘excitement’, then start with ‘But’ instead of ‘when’ for the next bit.

2) ‘ “Amina Deodata…’
‘Deodata’ should be ‘Deodato’

3) ‘A general snigger…’
Comma after ‘stifled’
No comma after ‘heard’

4) ‘Only the memory…’
Full-stop after ‘remained’

5) ‘She felt the terror…’
Change ‘would not keep it out.’ to ‘would keep it in.’ Positives make stronger sentences.

Ch 6

1) ‘Ezekiel’s brother-in-law…’
Comma after ‘Dan’

2) ‘Some miners said…’
‘worked out’ should be ‘worked-out’

3) ‘He knew that the darkness…’
Remove ‘that was’

4) ‘The other fathers…’
Comma after ‘too’

Ch 7

1) ‘The bare cell…’
Comma after ‘cell’ Comma after ‘repent’

2) ‘Beyond, in the desert…’
This sentence took a few rereads to get the flow of it. Maybe remove ‘the chaos’ and put a hyphen after ‘desert’ and another after ‘war’, and change ‘the wasteland’ to ‘that wasteland’.

3) ‘The Elders said…’
Change the second ‘that’ to ‘and’. Otherwise it’s a bit disjointed.

4) ‘And what concretely would…’
Nothing really wrong with this except people don’t usually express themselves this way. Maybe ‘And what would actually happen…’ would work better?

5) ‘Suddenly the boy bent…’
The tenses are a wee bit muddled here. Maybe you could say it as: ‘Suddenly the boy tossed the book aside and bent down, peering at something; something fragile and fluttering that he held carefully in his cupped hands.’

6) ‘The chanting stopped…’
You could build more tension in this sentence by saying something like: ‘Abruptly the chanting stopped as two supervisors raced towards him, their white trousers flapping against their legs like drying washing.’

7) ‘She tipped the contents…’
Comma after ‘and’ Comma after ‘length’

8) ‘Deborah noticed with distaste…’
Maybe you could get more impact at this point if you said something like: ‘The ends of his trousers were splashed with the filthy water, the foul mixture dripping onto his battered brown feet.’ The distaste is evident in the language used, as is the fact that Deborah’s noticing his appearance, and it allows the paragraph to flow a bit better.

9) ‘Not so loud…’
Full-stop after ‘whispered’. Capital letter for ‘they’ll’

10) Deborah raised her voice…’
Full-stop after ‘tone’

11) ‘Damp seeped up…’
Comma after ‘cell’ Comma after ‘level’

12) ‘The small window…’
Remove ‘high’. If it’s out of reach, it’s high.

13) ‘The deep eyes were…’
‘well defined’ should be ‘well-defined’

14) ‘He had no idea…’
Full-stop after ‘Providence’

Ch 8

1) ‘His givenfather beat him…’
Comma after ‘kept’

2) ‘He’s gone back into…’
Comma after ‘left’

3) ‘He had almost…’
Comma after ‘quite’

4) ‘Eyes round and dark…’
It’s hard to follow this sentence. Maybe try changing it around: ‘Round, dark eyes, rimmed…’ and place a comma after ‘prey’

5) ‘The darkness surrounding the House…’
‘running shadows of hatred’ is quite long and weakens the sentence. Perhaps try ‘hate-filled shadows’ or something like that.

Ch 9

I like the way you bring a cast of characters in with this chapter.

1) ‘A fort was built…’
It’s unclear what’s dominating here – the hill or the fort. I’m assuming it’s the fort, in which case you could say something like: ‘Atop the hill, a mighty fort stood, dominating the landscape for miles around…’, which would get rid of the confusion.

2) Same sentence
Comma after ‘nephew’

3) ‘Oscar sat up…’
‘wolf skins’ should be ‘wolfskins’

4) ‘Sitting on the edge…’
‘on the hill’ is unnecessary

5) ‘Then he heard it…’
I have trouble with the word ‘pavement’ in this context. Possibly the word means something different for you, but for me it means footpath or sidewalk, or, at the very least, something outdoors. It throws my mental image out of whack, as I know he’s in the great hall; indoors. What about ‘stone floor’ instead? Or ‘cobblestone flooring’? The use of the word ‘floor’ in both of these keeps your mental image indoors.

Ch 10

1) ‘Not just on the…’
Comma after ‘too’

2) ‘In his cell…’
Comma after ‘man’

3) ‘The man sat reading…’
Wrong tense. Should be ‘The man ‘was sitting’ reading…’

4) ‘So many years…’
Comma after ‘voice’

5) ‘The man opened…’
Semi-colon after ‘month’

6) ‘But the echoes…’
Semi-colon after ‘falling’

7) The paragraph beginning; ‘The call went through…’
I think this could have more impact if you cut it back to a few critical sentences. Something like : ‘So many years he had been waiting for this call; straining for the sound of her voice. He reached out to catch it, to keep it with him for a few more precious seconds, his mouth and eyes open wide as he struggled to savour it with all his senses. But the echoes faded and died, leaving a crashing silence - like a mountain falling - in its wake. Weak tears welled in his eyes, slipping down his pallid cheeks to fall unheeded onto the precious book. She was calling. At last!’

8) ‘He was not afraid…’
People tend to say ‘tips of his fingers’ rather than ‘finger ends’

9) ‘She opened her beak…’
Semi-colon after ‘flesh’

10) ‘Her bright, evil eye…’
‘ruins’ sounds like a building, but you’ve said battlefield
‘destruction’ fits okay, or what about ‘the battle’s aftermath’, or ‘carnage’

I thought the only people left in the world were the ones in Providence? How can there have been a recent battle? Or a boy in a cave? Does this get explained later?

11) ‘The light was too bright…’
Remove ‘her’

12) ‘His hand hung limp…’
What about ‘his dirty bedsheet’ rather than ‘the dirty sheet of his bed’
Semi-colon before ‘sweat’

13) ‘Scaled and furred…’
‘blind, beady eyes’ is slightly tighter than ‘blind beads of eyes’
Maybe remove ‘that never saw the light of day’? It’s hard to follow this sentence with both that phrase and the description, and I think the ‘savage fangs and blind, beady eyes’ is the stronger imagery.

14) ‘Shadow, blacker than..’
Comma after ‘feathers’
Comma after ‘bird’

Ch 11

1) ‘He could near the guard’s…’
‘near’ should be ‘hear’

2) ‘My wife, the bitch…’
Full-stop after ‘all’. Capital ‘h’ for ‘he’

3) ‘So he had been…’
Semicolon after ‘mutilated’

4) ‘He pushed open the door…’
‘breathing hard’ Maybe say ‘breathing deeply’? You’ve just used ‘hard’ in the sentence before.

5) ‘The bells were making…’
Could change ‘got out’ to ‘escaped’. It’s stronger.

6) ‘The blow shoved the guard’s…’
I thought his head passed between the bars in this sentence, but in the next, I see that I was wrong. You could say something like ‘wedged’ instead of ‘shoved’ here. It makes it obvious that his head is stuck at this point, but not yet through.

7) ‘He tried to pull back…’
Maybe change ‘it’ to something like ‘his whole skull’. Somehow ‘it’ makes the sentence difficult to follow. Perhaps because it begins with ‘he’. (This is why I’m such a bad editor. I hate it when I can’t explain why something should change.)

8) Why doesn’t Deborah take his keys? I realize she never needs to use keys, but it would still be the natural thing to do. She can ditch them along the way later – maybe when she masquerades as an Ignorant nurse.

Ch 13

1) ‘The principal spoke…’
Full-stop after ‘suavely’

2) ‘The Lord Abaddon…’
Comma after ‘say’

3) ‘His army could rid us…’
I thought they were the only fortress of power. Weren’t they the only ones left in the world?

Ch 14

1) ‘The door swung…’
Comma after ‘corridor…’

2) ‘The right hand room…’
‘right hand’ should be ‘right-hand’
Comma after ‘wheels’

3) ‘There was scarcely…’
‘heavy wheeled’ should be heavy-wheeled’

4) ‘The thickness of the wood…’
Remove ‘with despair’

5) ‘Zachariah closed his eyes…’
‘pent up’ should be ‘pent-up’

6) ‘All Zachariah could do…’
Comma after ‘pray’
Remove ‘it was’

Wouldn’t the dirty sheets on the floor give him away? Could you say something earlier, in the second paragraph? Maybe where you have ‘Wheeled baskets were filled to the brim with…’ you could say; ‘…were spilling over with…’ Then, in the last chapter he could toss the laundry from his bag onto one of the piles in the baskets.

Ch 15

1) ‘The House of Corrections…’
This is a bit hard to follow. It might flow better with something like: ‘…rang with running footsteps, the harsh clang of cell doors mingling with the angry shouts of the guards…’ or ‘…rang with running footsteps, the clang of cell doors and the angry shouts of the guards…’
It’s just ‘cell doors clanging’ that makes it awkward.
Remove ‘it was’

2) ‘Deborah realised as soon…’
Comma after ‘realised’

3) ‘At the end of her corridor…’
Full-stop after ‘hesitated’
Full-stop after ‘ajar’

4) ‘It was empty except…’
Maybe take out ‘crumbs’, or say ‘a chunk of bread surrounded by crumbs’. ‘A table covered in crumbs’ reads as a complete unit, making it sound as though the remaining items are somewhere else in the room.

5) ‘A quick look inside…’
Comma after ‘read’

6) ‘Well what did you expect…’
Question mark after ‘expect’
Full-stop after ‘angrily’

7) ‘She was on the point of giving way…’ The imagery here seems a bit stilted. Maybe something like: …light blazed brightly in her mind then dulled to a vivid picture.’

8) ‘Everything was white…’
Hyphen after ‘white’, or semicolon.

9) ‘Haven’t you heard…’
Put quotation marks before ‘haven’t’

10) ‘Look, it’s too complicated…’
Full-stop before ‘explain’

11) ‘They’ll be on duty now…’
Full-stop after ‘nightfall’

12) ‘The Providence militia…’
Comma after ‘function’

13) ‘Most of the time…’
Semicolon after ‘blindly’

14) ‘ “Not here you weren’t…’
Full-stop after ‘weren’t’

15) ‘ “Excuse me,” she…’
Full-stop after ‘curtsey’

Ch 16

1) ‘The Lord High Provost…’
Comma after ‘midday’

2) ‘So long, his brows…’
This needs something more than commas. You could try hyphens to replace the commas, or maybe triple dots.
ie ‘So long… his brows etc’ or ‘So long – his brows etc’

3) ‘His thoughts…’
Comma after ‘knew’

4) ‘Nor did they evoke…’
Comma after ‘Principal’

5) ‘So long, he repeated…’
The same as the No 2) above.

Ch 17

1) ‘By the pimply…’
Comma after ‘God’

2) ‘Dairmuid looked round…’
Comma after ‘uneasily’

3) ‘Sanitation department…’
Capital letter for ‘department’
Full-stop after ‘department’

4) ‘Try looking up his arse…’
Comma after ‘arse’

5) ‘The guard, Saul twisted…’
Comma after ‘Saul’

6) ‘Ezra and Dairmuid…’
The first ‘road’ isn’t necessary.
‘down’ isn’t necessary

7) ‘By good queen…’
Capitals for ‘good’ and ‘queen’

8) ‘It’s just a flesh…’
‘flesh wound’ should be ‘flesh-wound’
Full-stop after ‘friend’ Capital ‘h’ for ‘he’

9) ‘Too right…’
Comma after ‘agreed’

10) ‘The backstreets…’
Comma after ‘quarters’

11) ‘In a frantic effort…’
Would they have Victorian cab horses in this world? Maybe say ‘the Provost’s cab horses’ ?

12) ‘He remembered too with…’
Commas after ‘remembered’, ‘too’ and ‘clarity’
Semi-colon after ‘trial’

13) ‘This is it…’
Full-stop after ‘places’

Ch 18

1) ‘With still trembling…’
Remove ‘still’. You haven’t mentioned her hands trembling before now.

2) ‘And be quick…’
Full-stop after ‘quick’

3) ‘And then she felt…’
Semi-colon after ‘away’

4) ‘She said nothing…’
The insert is difficult there, making the sentence awkward. What about something like ; ‘Mouth dry, she said nothing; just held up her mop and bucket.’ ?

5) ‘The doctors and nurses…’
‘…in the room that contained…’ Could try ‘…in a room containing…’

6) ‘The orderly ignored…’
Comma after ‘Deborah’, otherwise it sounds as though she is shaking his head.

7) ‘ “When you’ve finished…’
This should be above, on the line ending ‘…Deborah,’

8) ‘She could feel…’
‘bead’ should be ‘bed’

9) ‘You must find the way…’
‘building site’ should be ‘building-site’

10) ‘Trust nothing Outside…’
Full-stop after ‘Outside’

11) ‘Your mother is tired…’
Full-stop after ‘Deborah’

12) ‘Ezekiel led the way…’
Comma after ‘yellow’

Ch 21

1) ‘Scattered across the floor lay…’
Either a hyphen or semi-colon after ‘toys’

2) ‘Her head was bare…’
Comma after ‘plait’

3) ‘Zachariah, embarrassed…’
Comma after ‘impropriety’

4) ‘He wriggled and broke…’
Full-stop after ‘didn’t’

5) ‘Ezekiel placed a hand…’
Make this the beginning of a new paragraph and attach it to ‘ “We already told you…”
Full-stop after ‘arm’

6) ‘ “We already told you…’
Full-stop after ‘you’

Ch 22

1) ‘The women and girls…’
‘them’ should be ‘themselves’

2) ‘There had been…’
‘break out’ should be ‘break-out’

3) ‘He hated them too…’
Comma either side of ‘too’

4) ‘They’re vermin, it’s…’
Full-stop after ‘vermin’

5) ‘The Ignorants had been…’
Full-stop after ‘different’


Well, that’s everything. Your writing just gets better and better as the story goes on, becoming very fluid with a perfect YA sound to it. I love where the story is going and how you’re getting it there.

I hope this has all been helpful. I suspect you’re the last person I’ll do all the nitty-gritty commas and full-stops for. It takes hours, both to write it down and then to type it in. But you have such a beautifully tidy manuscript, in both grammar and punctuation, that I thought you’d appreciate it.

This is a great story, Jayne. Please let me know when you put more on the site. I’d love to read the rest.

Sue

Hi Jane,
Reminds me of Huxley's 'Brave New World'.
I like it, great sense of atmosphere and menace.
May not have time to read more, but I have given you lots of stars!
All the best.
Sharda.
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

Hi Jane, here’s my take on chapter 3.

(Deborah shrugged and frowned.
“Because somebody has to!”) ** This should all be on one line:
Deborah shrugged and frowned, “Because somebody has to.”

(The slight girl squeezed her arm and smiled, but her unease still showed in her eyes.) **
**This doesn’t flow well. Too many “hers” left me wondering for a second who was who. Suggest something along the lines of: Hera squeezed Deborah’s arm and smiled, but the unease she felt showed in her eyes. Because both are females, I think you need to use their names here.

Deborah was shaking now, her green eyes flashing with anger. Hera squeezed her arm tighter; her own grey eyes (were) ** wide with concern and fear.
**Don’t need the bracketed word.

Hera glanced around, afraid they would be overheard, but the other girls in their class seemed to have (instinctively) ** drawn away from them and huddled together at the other side of the refectory.
**Don’t think you need this. The word “drawn” pretty much explains the girls action.

(Deborah turned on her friend, her eyes flashing angry sparks.
“Exactly! Holy Mother of us all, Hera! If someone as stupid as Goodwife Fatima knows what’s going on it isn’t because she worked it out for herself, it’s because she was told. There’s no secret, they really don’t see anything shameful in killing newborn babies!”)**
** Again this all needs to be on one line: Deborah turned on her friend, her eyes flashing angry sparks. “Exactly! Holy Mother…”

(Matron took in the scene, the two girls sitting alone, the child with the bad background and little Hera, another givenchild, so easily led. She was pleased to see that the rest of the class had the good sense to keep away from them. She would inform the Principal of the incident in the classroom, of course. Such violent, heretical outbursts could not be allowed to go unpunished; the sooner the girl was married, the better. Her betrothed, Hector, the executioner’s son would see she kept in line. Perhaps it would be a good idea to advance the date of the wedding. These were exceptional circumstances after all.)**
**You’ve changed point of view from Hera to the matron’s. “Head hopping’s” not usually done within the same scene.

Hi Jane. Read the prologue and 1st 2 chapters and since I intend to read on I thought, to avoid a huge swathe of feedback, to give you my initial thoughts now.

What can I say? This is excellent – truly excellent and if it were on sale, I’d buy it. Now, before you roll your eyes, I don’t give praise for praise sake, there’s no point to it and it doesn’t help anyone. Therefore you can take my comment as bona fide. The world you’ve created, thus far, is 3 dimensional. The characterisation spot on. I can see, hear and feel the words on the page. It engaged me right from the get go.
Below are my impressions, along with a few suggestions that I hope you find useful. Will speak to you again very soon.

Prologue and Chapter 1
I have to say I don’t usually like prologues, but yours worked really well. The biblical overtones set the scene and fill the reader with anticipation of what’s to come. Your 1st chapter doesn’t disappoint.
Your use of tight and focused description plunges the reader into the dark world you’ve created. The characterisation of the Ignorant men, their wives and the 2 heinous Goodwives, is excellent. I couldn’t find a single thing to nitpick in this chapter.

Chapter 2
Not if she had anything to do with it (she wouldn’t be!) ** don’t think you need the bracketed words, the sentence has more impact without it.

Dropping the pan back into the soapy water in the sink, Deborah wiped her hands on her apron and pushed a lock of red hair behind her ear. She went to the door, casting a glance at her givenbrother, Baruch who had raided the sweetener ration and had pink, sticky crumbs all over his podgy cheeks. Baruch smirked at her.
“I’ll tell.” His cherubic features twisted into an unpleasant grimace.
“Want to find a scorpion in your bed tonight?”
Baruch turned white with fear and watched in silence as Deborah flounced out of the door.**

**Liked this paragraph very much, as it immediately establishes the relationship between the two characters.

Looking down the gloomy stairwell she shivered with the certainty that something was waiting for her in the darkness beyond the fused light on the second floor landing. It might have been a trick of the uncertain light …but Deborah was convinced the shadows moved, swallowing the feeble light as they advanced. The hair at the back of her neck prickled and she tried to step backwards, but her feet refused to respond and she felt the darkness sucking her down, as if unseen hands had wrapped themselves around her ankles. **

**Great description, full of imagery and tension, without being overdone.

Titus glared in fury at Deborah, his face inches from hers and his labouring breath heavy with alcohol fumes. (Deborah)…**

**Suggest replacing this with “She”, rather than repeating her name so close together.

Unable to contain her anger, Deborah spun round, (her red hair flying about her face like flames,) **

**Fantastic description!

The Providence of the Elders was a place with no soul. The Elders had destroyed love, affection, even friendship. To anticipate the crises of overpopulation and famine, while keeping the population at replacement level, the Elders had developed a simple but effective system; babies were born and stocked in the house of births to be distributed like playing cards to waiting couples. One boy and one girl per household. No more. No less. Their biological origin was immaterial. If the mother happened to be given back her own biological child its name was Deodato. If not, it took the name, Givenchild. That was the law. The babies grew into children, were fed and clothed and sent to school. They grew to be adolescents and they were betrothed to a suitable name on the register of births, then they were married. That too was the law. The boys were allotted work suited to their station and the girls were given two babies, one after the other, to feed, clothe and send to school. And no one seemed to care or ask for anything different. Except Deborah Givenchild, she wanted her real parents back. **

**I think this information needs to appear earlier on in the chapter, so that Deborah’s situation is clearer and the term: “Given” is better explained. At the moment it comes across as her internal dialogue, but would she think of the laws, the babies etc, in such detail? I would suggest cutting it back a little, which would be a shame, or as I previously said, inserting it in nearer the beginning of the chapter or even into the prologue.

As (Deborah)) lay in her bed, wanting her parents back more than anything in the world, her head was filled with an aching flash. She saw a woman’s face, young, with damp, tousled red hair, beads of sweat on her lip and tears welling up in her eyes despite the broad smile on her full lips. The face came closer and closer, until (Deborah’s) vision was filled with green eyes and dark red lashes, and the smiling lips. (Deborah’s) heart stopped beating, the lips moved and in a whispered breath came a word, a name, (Deborah!) And (Deborah)… **

** You use the MC’s name 5 times in this paragraph and it kind of mars the flow. As long as it’s clear who you’re referring to, “she” and “her” are fine.

this is disturbing, and well done in it. your voice is strong, as is your writing style. though it´s not my general type of story, i appreciate the talent you have and the foundations you have laid here.
j
what every woman should know

Jane, I'd read this a while ago but not said anything about it as you were editing. Revisiting it, I can see the work has paid off - my major criticism is that there is not more. I don't remember Zachariah from my first visit but he makes a nice counterpoint to Deborah, and at the point the extract breaks off he's ended up rather where I thought she would be. Storywise, it suits me that their paths have crossed but not (yet?) intertwined. There's a complicated story here, tapping into various mythologies. In the early stages I thought it was quite heavily based on Exodus but by the end there was a lot of Celtic myth creeping in. Everything was transformed and transmuted - it's not a simple retelling. The atmosphere of the city is chilling - the mix of the modern and the medieval. Someone else has mentioned Atwood and I think I'd agree. There's a touch of Pullman too - not in the ideas but in the modification of bible text into another world's (later world) context. I think I might drop the first two paragraphs of chapter one and open with the hospital scene, which is chillingly beautiful. Thus my suggestion, for what it's worth, is to reorder the text a very little and have that chapter lead up to the introduction of Deborah - the last shall be first - and then continue with her in ch2.

What I did like very much was the way the different influences dovetailed into each other. I want to go on reading to know how this works out. The different viewpoints and rather detached narrative style suit my taste - Deborah is strong and resourceful but not entirely sympathetic (quite right too - she's had a tough time and that doesn't make for kindness or empathy), Zachariah is rather more so and we even get a glimpse into the character and motivation of the Lord High Protector, a baddy but, it seems, one caught rather between the devil that is Abaddon and the fury that is the Green Woman. Evil is hard to do well - it can so easily topple into caricature and I rather liked his dilemma - it gave a sense he wasn't being evil just for the fun of it. Deborah's Memory is an intriguing concept and gives her the motivation she needs to do what needs to be done, but that it comes in flashes and glimpses allows the information to unfold to her and to the reader. Nicely done. I was initially a bit confused by the idea set out in the pitch: if there's a need to prevent the mother and daughter reunion then killing her, rather than holding her hostage, would seem the more sensible plan. On reading the book itself (ch12) I understood what was going on, so perhaps this just requires a tweak of the long pitch. Plotwise, in fact, the only point I found a tad hard to swallow was that Deborah should encounter her own father; this seemed a bit too much of a coincidence. And by the end of the upload I was hoping you didn't make the Ignorants too perfect - even the goodies need a touch of salt for flavour.

Language: well, I liked the main narrative and the style of writing very much. It flowed along and I didn't get caught up in any hitches or nitpicks so I'm afraid I can't help there. Suffice to say I was enjoying the story. The prologue: well, as I said on Spilota's first sentence thread the inversion of Genesis in the first line is brilliant. I seldom say must in writing comments but I really think you must (undescore) keep this line! Thereafter I'm not quite certain you quite pull it off. I understand what you are doing with this part of the text and think it an admirable goal but in its current form it doesn't quite have the rhythmic, formal prose that I'd expect in such a text. It's a little loose. It might be worth revisiting the text of Genesis (KJV is my preferred translation because you don't get much better English prose than that of the 17C) and paring your text right back to the bone as that one is. It's one of those things that if you're going to do you need to do very, very well and worth spending time on because it sets up the necessary information for the coming story in the reader's mind. It's a worthy prologue because it sets the scene, the backstory and the conflict to come.

Oh, and please would you explain the cover image to me. Reggenza del Carnaro - I'm puzzled and intrigued! Is is because of Ouroboros? Is it a hint?

But many stars for now and I'm going to do what I rarely do and reshuffle my shelf for this, just as soon as I can decide what must be evicted. I think this is excellent storytelling and I'd buy it. Can't say better than that.

Best wishes, Harriet

Very descriptive. I read way more than I inteded too. The first line of your pitch got me hooked. I love that she'd rather face a demon than marry a dim-witted guy. Me too! I am putting this on the shelf. Great book.

Oh yeah, YARG Review!

Prologue is fantastic, so crisp and detailed. It kept me hooked to find out what had happened.

Your dialogue is smooth and flows perfectly with very interesting characters - great idea and execution.

I have added 5 ***** and will even move a book to back you :-)

Jimmy Threepwood and the Veil of Darkness

yarg review Backed after a few paragraphs. can't offer any constructive criticism, because I haven't read much.but what I've read has hooked me. Great visual description, had me shivering as I read it. I'll leave better feedback when iread more.

Jane,

I have to admit, this is definitely not the type of book I would pick up to read. That being said, though, I'm glad I agreed to swap reads with you--you have quite a story here!

You have what I think is a very unique style and voice, and I'm intrigued (and I'll admit a bit disturbed!) by what I've read so far. I've got you on my watchlist for now until I've gotten a chance to read more, but I imagine you'll end up on my bookshelf.

Congratulations on finding such a unique style, and best of luck!
~AJ

Jane,
As sometimes happens here, I sat down to read your first couple of chapters and found myself finishing all that you've posted. It's so nice to read YA fantasy without anyone falling into another universe! You have created a Margaret Atwood-type dystopia. It made me think of a combination of The Handmaid's Tale and Oryx and Crake.
You really do write very well. You don't have any distracting typos or mistakes that I noticed, just an enjoyable (well, horrible) story. I prefer the parts about Deborah to the religious/evil/Satan stuff because they seem more real-world to me, but I think you have a good balance. Sometimes I feel in stories like this there is too much fantasy and it becomes hard to relate to but no such difficulties here.
I imagine it was quite difficult to write, considering the characters and the world you have created but you've done it entirely successfully.
I like a good anti-religion/pro-feminist story which is what I hope this is shaping up to be.
Highly starred and much enjoyed.
Lucy Middlemass
Jinger Barley and The Murkle Moon

Read the prologue and first six chapters. Will be back to read more. Great stuff. Love the setting, the detailed descriptions, and good plot hooks.

Editman

Fabulous stuff, Jane. Six stars and on my shelf.

I rarely read teen fiction or fantasy so I wasn't particularly looking forward to this but I have to say you quickly won me over. The writing is just so assured - crisp and clean and full of lots of wonderfully evocative, deftly lyrical phrasing and imagery. I lost count of the number of beautifully written, quirkily original turns of phrase. The prose is both simple and direct and very readable (just right for teen readers) and terrifically subtle and nuanced (I can definitely see this appealing to adult readers as well). Cleverly done. I really like the contrast between the rather stylised, portentous Old Testament feel of the prologue and the more natural, contemporary tone of the main body of the novel.

The dialogue feels real and purposeful and adds good energy to the scenes as well as helping to flesh out the various characters. The sense of 'time' and 'place' is cleverly evoked with a good blend of the strange/fantastical and the more familiar.

Good plot hooks at the end of the chapters to encourage the reader to read on. The plot sounds well thought out and complex and, with its blend of adventure, intrigue and escapist fantasy, should appeal to a broad cross-section of readers.

Above all, tho, it's the quality of the writing that's going to win readers over. This really is quality, quality fiction and deserves every success. Thanks and best of luck. P

Wow, what an opening chapter, what a prologue. Just when I think I'm getting to grips with this writing lark, just when I'm beginning to think I'm achieving a bit of style I read this...and realise I've a long way to go yet. Seriously well done. I'm not qualified to critique it for structure etc etc but I know a good read when I see one.
One day I hope to conjure up such descriptions as you have here. The bit where the demon is licking his lips and tasting the smell of hatred and cruelty, you know the bit, is pure and utter descriptive class. There's too much to compliment here. The executions and the severed heads being stuck on where?.....The flag poles on the House of Births of course! All this...and it's only chapter 1...I've been looking to get something new on my bookshelf, I kept telling myself I'd know it when I saw it, this is it. Chapter two soon...if i can catch my breath.

Strong imagery in a well-written prologue, which is a stark contrast to the Genesis creation.

I read six chapters, although I nearly missed the other chapters due to the repeating paragraphs in chapters one and two. You've successfully created a divided society ruled by evil, with hints that Deborah and her mother threaten its existence. The short relationship I read between Deborah and Hera was a good insight into the main character, her strength, rebellion and beliefs but the cry for her mother showed some vulnerability. She didn't seem to have much concern or sympathy for Hera as she was led away, I'd have liked a bit more of that to help the reader feel more sympathy towards Deborah.

The dialogue felt natural, the narrative easy to read. The only time I faltered with the flow of the story was from the Protector's chapter where it sounded like he already had his hostage (Deborah) and clearly he was enjoying thoughts of torturing her, then the next chapter switched to Deborah in school and later being taken from it to the House of Correction, so he didn't yet have her.

Plenty of strong imagery and hooks in the chapters I've read, so a good opening.

Jane,
I’ve just finished reading what you’ve put up so far of The Dark Citadel. You have a good story here, an intriguing dystopia and a worthy heroine.
The opening prologue, as others have noted, is a clever Genesis inversion, setting the cosmic and theological underpinnings of the story, but I wonder if it’s necessary at this point, partly because it’s written differently to the rest of the book, without giving the reader any clue as to the reason for it being there, and partly because you might want to allow a bit more mystery as to the nature of the city and the people and their lives (also, your heroine doesn’t appear until a bit later).
Speaking of the city, you manage to create a very evocative description of your dystopia and its inhabitants and rules. It’s a stark narrative and reflects the oppression required. You also have a good heroine in Deborah, a stubborn, defiant girl who refuses to accept the fate given her by the Elders and her society. You feel for her plight, her sense of loss and her desire to find her mother and the answers to so many questions. And the introduction of Zachariah, a kindred spirit to Deborah, bodes well for how the story could go. I especially liked the dream sequence of Chapter 10, because it was very well-written and
I have a few minor negative points, some technical, some my own personal opinion which you can take or leave. Have a look at Chapter 1 again, the text seems to repeat three times. Also, there’s a reference to a sound like Muzak in Chapter 4, which is a reference which feels too contemporary for the setting you’ve created; same thing with some of the profanity, though I know a lot of the words have been around for millennia and probably will be with us until the end of time :-) And possibly you might want to make Deborah a little more sympathetic to others: she dismisses what might happen to her friend Hera as a result of their association, and doesn’t think twice about risking a greater punishment for Zachariah, more concerned about his apparent snubbing of her support of him. I realize she’s only a teenager, but as she’s still fairly new of the narrative, it might diminish a reader’s support for her.
I hope this doesn't sound too critical, I'm looking forward to reading more in time and seeing where you take the story.

Amazing!!
How do you keep it all together? I have nothing but the highest regard for your book, and look forward to reading on.
Christine

The author put considerable work into the synopsis, suggesting a book of equal meticulousness. And the foretelling was correct.

The preface reminded me of the American writer, H.P. Lovecraft, whereupon the devil Abaddon looks upon his world to manipulate and where the writer impresses upon the reader what's at stake.

The first chapter picks up in a sweeping tone, not conversational, but descriptive like a movie camera panning in. The city is even more horrifying than I imagined, worse than any dystopia.

In chapter 3, we meet Deborah, one hurt, angry, and frustrated teenager. She's willing to challenge her elders, a dangerous matter in a terrifying society. Deborah decides she has to escape, and thus launches the story.

Religious pinnings underscore this story even more than C.S. Lewis. After only 4 chapters, I wonder which of many paths will lead us where, but it will be interesting to find out.

The writer is talented and well educated, drawing upon Greek, Arabic, and Egyptian sources, bending them to her story as great writers do. I back this book.

Hello; sorry it took me so long to return the read. Lab reports are obnoxious. Read the first five chapters, and these are my thoughts.

Favourite aspects: In general I liked the writing style a lot. There's something unusual about it; you don't waste time on unnecessary description. I like Deborah's character - she's feisty, righteous, intelligent and gets herself into trouble. Seems like good heroine material so far, but not in an overly perfect way. I think you have a real talent for dialogue (I wanted to jump into the story and punch that principal), and you portray the casual hatred of the soldiers and citizens towards the 'Ignorants' in a chillingly vile and realistic way. The dystopia was well-constructed and the mythological references and allusions worked well.

Criticisms: I have two minor ones about the writing: one, I felt like you were trying overly hard to be gory in the violent bits, and to me the descriptions seemed a bit over-the-top, which actually took from the sadness of the deaths. Two, the prologue… I don't think you get the 'Bible speak' quite right. The actual contents was good, but if you're gonna use archaic language, it has to be perfect not to sound silly. I say this because it's the first thing readers and agents would be reading, and imo it's not representative of the quality of the rest of your writing. My only actual criticism of the story itself is that I think I would have enjoyed a little more filler at the start. I feel as though the drama would have been better if it'd had something to contrast with. Maybe a section with Deborah doing something (even something small) that she enjoys, or just going about her everyday life a little more?

Overall though, my main thoughts were that this had a very well-constructed dystopia, and the makings of a great main character.

A very powerful read. Very biblical in its feel. If this was deliberate then it was well crafted. I know it has biblical themes, I also feel it reads similarly to the Bible.

Okay, small question on the writing. "Darkness entered the crystal Hemisphere and filled the hearts of the city leaders..." Considering we haven't yet referred to their domain as a 'city', should this be "...hearts of its leaders." Or alternatively refer to it as a city and say "...hearts of the city's leaders." If that is their title, then I believe they should be capitalized i.e. City Leaders.

I also find the perspective from the viewpoint of evil to be fascinating and refreshing.

Reading onto the second page (which I rarely do), one minor criticism which comes to mind (for many books, not just yours), is the liberal use of 'and'. For me it dilutes the impact of the sentence, making it ramble more than making sharp points. It may be my personal perspective, however I felt the need to make the point.

Another freebie. "The doctors, masked and latex-gloved,..." Just add another comma after 'latex-gloved' to tidy up the sentence.

All in all a compelling read. I have watch-listed and starred highly. It may well bump an existing book off the perch.

Paul.

Read the first four chapters, which is my usual, i enjoyed this, i enjoy good dystopian and apocalyptic type stories, for some reason, i found this one post biblical for lack of a better phrase, the first chapter an undoing of genesis, the return of chaos, (not that I know the bible that well), lots of prepostional phrases, which i think achieves that tone, i am not so much for heroines and heros, always distrusting whan all depends on so little, but i give an author their vision, and of course it is appropriate that a story that has a biblical good versus evil theme has a singular saint/prophet of some sort, and this is well written, i think the author is having fun here playing with the dark imagery, using it to carry the sense of evil, i will rate this wel,

Hi Jane,
I have just finished the second chapter but have to pause to make some comments. First of all, I think you writing is flawless as I felt you have a very strong command of the English language. I couldn’t understand why they were mutilating all those babies until I got to the bottom of chapter two. Deborah the serpent girl sounds a very interesting character to me. I thought I might have heard more about her forthcoming marriage but I was pleasantly surprised with between her and her dad up the dark stairs. Who is Fatima by the way? I couldn’t pick up if she is going out with Titus or related in anyway. The two of them sound to me like a strong pair against Deborah. All your characters have interesting names. I am going to read on to find out more about Deborah. I believe the book is got a curious touch to it. As I said, there is nothing obvious I can pick up on your writing. It makes very intelligent reading.
Good luck and respect from
Chief Chebe

YARG review

Sorry, it's rather bried, something came up! I shall say more when I have had time to read more than a couple of chapters. I've enjoyed the read so far though.

I too think the beginning, a sort of reverse of Genesis is effective and interesting. My only question is how many YA readers would be familiar with it, or whether the language is a little 'poetic' for them. Having said that, I know a good few readers of that age who would very much like the dark, apocalyptic feel of the writing. I think, if you'd asked me whether I thought it was a YA novel, I wouldn't immediately have pegged it as one - it could just as easily be adult fiction, but that's fine for upper end I guess, I've been told the same about mine, though I think it's slightly more simply written. I liked the characters and the air of threat and doom - as well as the use of archaic ideas and language.

I think the prologue is quite clever as it is an inversion of Genesis (well, at least, the start of it is). It is clear and to the point although perhaps you might consider clarifying some things such as who or what the Memory is – if only because it is an ordinary word and not usually applied as a name to an individual. The thing with prologues is like this (and, indeed, like my own) is that readers either get it because they can see the inspiration for it or they don't which usually means that they haven't seen from whence it comes. I would not worry too much about that as you can't expect everyone to spot the Genesis connection. Actually, I quite like it as it is not too long and gets to the point. Perhaps my only question would be this: do you actually need it, ie does it perform a function that can't be done within the body of the narrative that comes? Only you can answer that. But it works for me.

As for the first chapter, if it were me, I would start it with the grey girl and leave out the demon start because that looks like an extension of the prologue whereas the story begins with the girl. At that point, the story becomes more active in its form.

Hi Jane.

Your book is very interesting, I ended up reading 2 more chapters than planned, which is great - this means i was really intrigued. I think that your flow when writing is super smooth, and dialogue and description are intertwined perfectly. I don't think there is too much description, wich is normally something i find in most books these days! The pace was great.

HOWEVER, you nearly lost me on the prologue, I had to struggle to get through that and get to the real story - I felt it was a bit heavy and very very long. I think perhaps you could condense it? I wanted desperately to get to the 'real' story!

In regards to the characters, I loved Deborah! I always love a strong lead, and her having the persistence to ask the questions that nobody else dare to ask is great - you could practically feel the hesitation and tension when she asked the matron about the babies - great work!

The last thing is a bit more technical - It would be great if it said at the top of the page everytime a new chapter started, otherwise it all kinda blurs and it feels like you are just reading one long story without beginning or end - but that is just my personal taste - i like to know exactly where I am in the book :-)

I hope that this was a help - I really like it and think that you absolutely have talent! Good look in the future!

A YARG review-
Hi Jane. I read through the first two chapters. You choose a very dark subject, and the chapters I read only multiplied that idea. I feel for the Ignorants already, and I wonder what will happen to the girl the demon was watching. Your grammar is good and I didn't see any typos.
Anyone who likes horror will like this, I'm sure.
Noelle J. Alabaster