Book Jacket

 

rank 1043
word count 72763
date submitted 05.12.2011
date updated 24.05.2012
genres: Thriller, Romance, Horror, Crime
classification: universal
incomplete

Missing: The Body Of Evidence

Declan Conner

Detective Nancy Roberts encounters a strange scene. CSI can't be sure if it is suicide, murder... or.... well, kinda something else?

 

After fifteen years on the force at LAPD, Nancy Roberts is promoted to Detective and is called to the scene of a fire at an apartment block. The scene baffles Nancy, CSI, and the Fire Officer, who has not encountered anything like what they find in his thirty-years in the fire service.

Nancy doesn't buy the spontaneous combustion theory put forward by CSI, even when confronted with evidence from an experiment at the fire service laboratory. The CIA are keen to put the case to bed as an accident, but their involvement, Nancy's intuition, and a missing lasagna from the apartment, give her the notion that foul play is involved, much to the displeasure of her boss.

Nancy suspects the janitor, and convinces her chief to obtain a search warrant of his apartment. The search unveils a probable kidnap. A slick attorney and a medium, thwart Nancy's attempts to unravel the truth.

Nancy digs at the edges of the case against orders and is suspended. She continues the search for the truth. Her search takes her into the bizzare world of CIA dirty tricks and paranormal experiments.

 
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LizX wrote 24 days ago

Briliant. Perfect pacing for a thriller. Lots of intrigue and a very different story-line. Good read and beautifully editied. Nice job. Highly starred and on my shelf for a bit.

Cupcakecalamity wrote 36 days ago

I like what you have here! Enthusiastically backed! :)- Jolene

jlbwye wrote 70 days ago

Missing. At last I've got to you... You have three 'scene's in close proximity in your pitches! The short one creates a mystery, but the long one is merely a collection of statements concerning the plot. Maybe more of character revelation, and a bit of emotion would serve to draw in a potential reader?

I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert.

Ch.1. Nancy's character is developing well as the opening scene unfolds - her self-conscious feminity coming through in those paragraphs about the pistol and her reflection. But if you do a search, you will find you have started too many sentences with 'A'!

Do you mind nits? Where the sun's rays penetrate the chinks in the dark clouds, which throw a few final salvos of lightning and grumble in the distance - great words. But I dont think you need the final phrase.
I enjoy whodunnits, and this one looks to be promising.

Ch.2. Again, you repeat a word - apartment.
What's this about lasagna? Must I look back to the first chapter to find out?

Chs. 3-4 I cant stop. You sure know how to create a suspensful plot, and keep the pages turning.
Instead of the cumbersome 'began to think', couldnt you just say she wondered?
Love the interchange between Nancy and Kyle.

Your writing improves as the story progresses - or is it that I'm getting absorbed and dont notice any more nits?
The beginning of a book, I've discovered, is always the hardest part to right.
It promises to swing into a real humdinger of a story.

Thankyou for your continued support of mine.

Jane. (Breath of Africa)

Marigold wrote 83 days ago

This looks great. The spontaneous combustion thing has always fascinated me. Cover is very effective. I am going to start reading it properly and then I will let you know what I think as I've only had time to do one chapter and that's not enough to comment best.

Elizabeth Buhmann wrote 85 days ago

Hi, Declan. Good opening chapter! I am thoroughly intrigued and will read on. Shelving with high stars.

johnpatrick wrote 93 days ago

HI Declan,

Wow Factor (Read Speed/Enjoyment)
[7 ] Speed- sticky in parts due to descriptive phrases.
[09] Yes, entertaining and recognisable stuff.
[09] Interest (very good scenes)

Literacy (Editing/Proofing/Structure)
[09] Free of (obvious) Spelling Errors
[09] Free of (obvious) Contextual Grammar Errors
[10] Free of Distracting Dialog

Story
[09] Coherent / Order
[10] Character/Subject Development

Marketing
[10] Cover Design
[09] Pitch -Fine and effective.

TOTAL
[91/100]

Comments: 'Toxic fumes' 'burned the back of her throat and her stomach churned', 'depths of her lungs' 'piqued her interest' 'to breath through' 'heat of her embarrassment'. These phrases are either cliche-sounding or unnecessary. For instance toxic fumes cause damage to membranes not just irritation. At the risk of sounding pedantic these phrases detract rather than add to your narrative which is otherwise slick and flowing. Good finishes to each chapter and engaging female MC.
Star rating 4
All the Best,
John

J. T. Carroll wrote 95 days ago

My rating from the Crime and Thrillers rating template follows. I'm sending the detailed comments via e-mail.

Crime/Thriller and sub genre review group
Title: Missing: Body of Evidence
Author: Declan Connor

Wow Factor (Read Speed/Enjoyment)
[7] Speed (Easy/Fast)
[6] Enjoyment
[7] Interest (very good scenes)

Literacy (Editing/Proofing/Structure)
[10] Free of (obvious) Spelling Errors (easy fix)
[5] Free of (obvious) Contextual Grammar Errors (easy edit)
[5] Free of Distracting Dialog

Story
[6] Coherent / Order (I noticed several logic problems right in the first chapter. For example, if the body was burned so badly that the only thing left was a foot, would they be able to tell that that foot was encased in a “Doc Marten” boot? But even more challenging to the reader is that you don’t specifically explain that the body was burned but the room/surroundings were not early enough. That makes the fact that Nancy opens his wallet a showstopper. How could the wallet be un-burned, sitting on a table when all that is left of the body is a foot? You need to get the fact that the room was not burned in much earlier.)
[6] Character/Subject Development (some descriptions are over-dramatic or not quite appropriate, for example “her sense of curiosity acted like an elastic band” “a jolt in her chest hit her like a sledgehammer, as if she were going into cardiac arrest”

Marketing
[8] Cover Design
[6] Pitch (First sentence in short pitch does not need the commas, same thing in a couple of your sentences in the long pitch. In dialogue, you need to bracket a name with commas, in non-dialogue, you do not.)

TOTAL
[72/100]

Comments:
This book starts out with an interesting inciting incident. The main character seems like someone the reader would be interested in. However, she seems to have some angst and trouble getting along with the cast of characters in the first chapter, and we don’t know why. The first few chapters contain quite a few grammatical errors and logical issues. Addressing them will improve the readability.

Rating:
Four

J. T. Carroll (Bitnapped!)

Declan Conner wrote 105 days ago

Thanks Al. Editing completed from your observations.

CarolinaAl wrote 105 days ago

I read your first four chapters.

General comments: An intriguing start. A believable main character. Good use of deep point of view to add dimension to Nancy's character. Good imagery. Good tension. Smooth pacing.

Specific commenr on the pitch:
1) Pitch has some spelling errors (i.e. warrent and appartment)

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) ' ... and re fastentened her jacket.' 'Re fastened' is one word.
2) 'It's ray's penetrated chinks in the dark clouds, ... ' Ray's (possessive) should be rays (plural).
3) Hyphenate 'self evident.'
4) 'The fire investigator met them at the doorway to the apartment, where a uniformed police officer stood to one side, guarding the entrance' Put a period after 'entrance.'
5) "Everything points to it being Professor Tom Reynolds, who owns the apartment. Put a closing quote mark after 'apartment.'
6) 'Nancy felt her cheeks flame.' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe the heat in her cheeks so vividly the reader experiences it along with Nancy. When you do this, you'll pull the reader deeper into the scene.
7) 'Nothing else had caught caught fire; ... ' Remove one of the 'caughts.'
8) An intriguing end of chapter hook.

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) Consider starting each chapter with brief scene setting. Few readers read a book straight through. When they pause, they stop at the end of a chapter. When they return, they need to be reoriented.
2) 'Astral Chemicals inc.' Capitalize 'inc.'
3) I awoke when I heard the smoke detector and phoned 911." Put an opening quote mark before 'I.'
4) "Contact Tracy Gibbons after twenty-four hours" Put a period after 'hours.'
5) ... she turned to the officer and said. "That's it you can go, we're finished here now." Comma after 'said.' Also, comma after 'it.'
6) Excellent end of chapter hook.

Specific comment on chapter three:
1) Excellent end of chapter hook.

Specific comments on chapter four:
1) "Thank you guys." Comma after 'you.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There is another case in this chapter when someone is addressed but their name or title isn't offset with a comma.
2) "Everyone chipped in from the department, congratulations," said Claire Put a period after 'Claire.'
3) 'It s unlikey the case will come down to us.' Put an apostrophe after 'it.'
4) 'Nancy sensed tomorrows assignment was more a question of ... ' Tomorrows (plural) should be tomorrow's (possessive).

I hope these comments help you further polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Have a marvelous day.

Al

CarolinaAl wrote 106 days ago

Crime/Thriller and Sub-genre Review Group
Title: Missing: The Body of Evidence
Author: Declan Connor

Wow Factor (Read Speed/Enjoyment)
[8] Speed (Smooth pacing)
[5] Enjoyment (Acceptable, not exceptional)
[5] Interest (Nancy is interesting, not so much the beginning of the plot)

Literacy (Editing/Proofing/Structure)
[5] Free of (obvious) Spelling Errors (Several, see separate comments)
[8] Free of (obvious) Contextual Grammar Errors
[8] Free of Distracting Dialogue (Realistic dialogue that moves the story forward)

Story
[8] Coherent/Order
[8] Character/Subject Development (Interesting central character, but story development is slow)

Marketing
[7] Cover Design (seems cluttered)
[5] Pitch (Didn't hook me)

Total
[67/100]

General comments: An intriguing start. A believable main character. Pitch and beginning of the plot could use some work.

Star rating: 4

Al Chaput

My grading criteria is 1=not publishable, 5=publishable, average, 10=publishable, exceptional

JKass wrote 108 days ago

A very likable MC helped drag me into the story. The gripping first chapter was all i really needed to pull me along, i was only able to read a little bit, but its going on my w/l so i can get back to it. Great read.

ELRussell wrote 110 days ago

Declan, I’ve put together a Quantitative Critique Score Sheet to respond to your story from a contest perspective. I hope you find this informative and helpful. (Max 10x10 pts)

Title: [Missing: The Body Of Evidence]
Author: [Declan Conner]

Wow Factor (Read Speed/Enjoyment)
[10] Speed (Easy/Fast)
[09] Enjoyment
[09] Interest (very good scenes)

Literacy (Editing/Proofing/Structure)
[09] Free of (obvious) Spelling Errors (easy fix)
[09] Free of (obvious) Contextual Grammar Errors (easy edit)
[10] Free of Distracting Dialog

Story
[09] Coherent / Order
[10] Character/Subject Development

Marketing
[10] Cover Design
[09] Pitch (is a bit long and ells too much of the story – consider turning some of that content into teasers)

TOTAL
[94/100]

Comments: Yes, I really I enjoyed the story. Would like to return and read all of it. Characters and plot were strong. I recommend it even if it is not within your genre.

E L Russell

swhittaker79 wrote 110 days ago

Pretty good!

I like Nancy right away, which is always helpful. She's a believable character with just the right amount of warring self-confidence/self-doubt. Also, the foot-in-boot & the burned chair is a good set-up for a mystery. It's not obvious what happend and it's hard to imagine how they'
re going to figure anything out.

So you've got a great start here.

The only things to watch are minor grammatical bits and pieces. I felt there was a strange hyphenation early on. A decent proofreader will catch this stuff. No worries.

Keep up the good work.

swhittaker79 wrote 110 days ago

Pretty good!

I like Nancy right away, which is always helpful. She's a believable character with just the right amount of warring self-confidence/self-doubt. Also, the foot-in-boot & the burned chair is a good set-up for a mystery. It's not obvious what happend and it's hard to imagine how they'
re going to figure anything out.

So you've got a great start here.

The only things to watch are minor grammatical bits and pieces. I felt there was a strange hyphenation early on. A decent proofreader will catch this stuff. No worries.

Keep up the good work.

CarminaRivera wrote 114 days ago

I signed on to read this last evening. I had commited myself to three chapter because I had an early morning this morning. But oh my! I sat up and read all 29 chapters you have posted! This is fantastic! It of such high calibre writing that I find myself wonderng why it is not indeed already published. many high stars for you and your book! May the success you aspire to be achieved.

scargirl wrote 114 days ago

greatly told...
j
what every woman should know

ScottTrimas wrote 116 days ago

Great mystery book! Great first chapter. I will back your book when I get room on my shelf.
Thanks,
Scott

orma wrote 121 days ago

I have to point out, Declan, that instantaneous combustion cannot be regarded as a form of suicide!
So, it has to be murder, or accident or some paranormal reason. I'm hoping for that one, the paranormal.
This was quite interesting. it really intrigued me. I found the first chapter gripping.
There's a few sentences that are confusing and maybe need a re-write. I had to pass over them as I couldn't make out what you ment. They're in the first chapter.
You've got the making of a very good story here. I'd even like to read some more!
All the best and good luck.

Sue50 wrote 122 days ago

Loved the first chapter! Happy to back your work. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown.
Sue50

Sheilab wrote 125 days ago

Declan, I read this a while back - loved the bit I read, added it to my WL then forgot to comment. So sorry! Loved it. Nancy's a great character and you set up the scene very well in the opening chapter. Excellent characterisation esp love the exchange between Nancy and Blondie marine in Ch 3. On my shelf
Sheila

billysunday wrote 153 days ago

Read the first two chapters and was intrigued-spontaneous combustion, interesting premise. It's got a James Patterson feel to it with short chapters and short paragraphs-easy to read and follow. Liked your main character. You made her very real in the beginning. Good dialogue. Nice job! Highly starred and recommended.
Dina from Halo of the Damned and Bad Juju

D. S. Hale wrote 156 days ago

Chapter one is quite interesting. I am curious now, about the body, and what happened. you have a good feel for this kind of writing. I admire mystery writers, and one day maybe I'll attempt it. Good job, with a couple of errors to fix:

sentence doesn't sound right: where she is fixing her hair in the window until she "felt comfortable" What does that mean?
I liked the coroner's "body snatching van"
"she span around" should be "she spun around"

Sincerely,

D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

FRAN MACILVEY wrote 157 days ago

Dear Declan

I took a look at this and thought, gee, not my usual read, what a pity! But I read on anyway, because i am always curious. And apart from a thorough tidy up for typos and a bit of syntax, you know I think you have something good brewing here. I kept reading, for one thing. And you seemed to get more into your stride after a bit of a self conscious start.

Tidy up, wash and brush up, and you have a great book. Very realistic, good pacing, interesting.

All the best

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped"

sheila cooper wrote 160 days ago

popped on my watchlist to look at more soon, I liked your pitch it gives me the impression that I will be enjoying a sort of CSI / X File mix, very intriguing and I'm looking forward to reading it when I get a bit more time :)

sully wrote 161 days ago

By the way, Iv'e stuck you on my watchlist. If the following chapters are of similar standard I'll haul you up onto my shelf. Sully

sully wrote 161 days ago

Hi Declan, Just finished your first chapter and I like what I have read so far. It's an intriguing story and quickly drew me in. Only one criticism: the penultimate line is a bit messy - (..'apart from she noticed'). I think it would read better and have more of an impact as follows: 'Nothing else seemed to have caught fire. Then she noticed the smoke alarm on the ceiling. It had melted, the cover was missing and there was no battery.
It creates more of a dramatic effect to separate those phrases. The way you have written it makes it sound like a statement as opposed to a puzzling observation.
'Reasonable Force' is waiting patiently for support from someone of your literary talents and discerning taste. Feel free to grasp my chapters with both hands. No need to be gentle. It's good!
Best of luck. I will read on, Sully.

Jed Oliver wrote 162 days ago

Declan, The story drew my interest from the first chapter. My detective side, looking for clues, noticed the fact that the smoke alarm was melted, and had no battery. I will not comment on further reference to this device. I think this is the masterful type of book where each reader should make their own discoveries. I've only completed a few chapters so far, but got so excited I had to stop reading and send a comment. It requires a genuine winner to catch my jaded attention, but you have done it. This is a book I wish I had written! Best of luck with this!
Kindest regards, Jed Oliver (French Roast and Lingerie)
Edit added: I'm through chapter eight so far and the mystery deepens!

Cariad wrote 162 days ago

I have not had time to crit. in depth, but I like it so far, and am reading on. Comment to follow.

DAwGi wrote 162 days ago

The plot is rather intriguing. It just needs a bit of TLC in terms of mechanics.
I had a glance through Chapter 1. I hope this helps!
“She bent double...”
I'm not sure what it means to bend twice. Maybe “Doubled over, or bent over”
“Paper face-mask”
The double dash words like sweet-tasting-moist don't do it for me. I've never seen that done before.
“in to her breast” should be “into her breast”
“a glance her reflection...” would sound better with “a glance at her reflection”
“She spun around as an approaching vehicle caught her attention.” Sentence felt clunky before.
“the Chief Logan” could lose “the”
“CSI handles”
“tell officially if it was...” don't really need to say “officially” sounds kind of awkward in that placement.
“The coroner's office van pulled up outside. Two guys exited, pulling a stretcher from the back of the van.” The double “ands” kind of made it clunky.
“John, Coroner's office” sounds like he's answering the phone.
“hustled passed” should be “hustled past”
“Donned in booties and gossamer-gloves, they made their way through a small hallway into the living room.” Again had the clunky triple and structure
“Not sure, but you two guys can go” saying “two” doesn't really sound like natural dialogue. Maybe if you put in the speech tab who she was referring to.
“and carried on photographing” didn't know she was taking pictures in the first place
“Everything is bagged up that we can find of interest.” Sounded clunky, maybe “We bagged everything of interest.”
“...devoid of memorabilia.” I would split it right there and make the next part a second sentence. “There were no photographs or ornaments, not even a book or newspaper.”
“in to a paper bag” should be “into a paper bag”
The last paragraph has some run-on sentences that could be split up a couple of times.

All the best,
DAwGi

William Holt wrote 162 days ago

This one is going to rise fast. Take a look, people! And shelve it and catch the wave!

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