A Life Lived Ridiculously

Dear Tournesol
Thank you for your comments. It hadnt occurred to me that I was slipping into Americanisation. And you are so right, the story is based in UK and thus needs to retain that British feel. Thank you for noticing this. I will certainly change the butts to bums and apartments to flats :)
As for the OCD, it is interesting, some think there's too much OCD and others think there's too little. Getting the quantity of OCD right has been the biggest challenge, so I appreciate all opinions.
Again thank you so much for your input and encouraging comments
All the very best
Annabelle

Hi Annabelle,
You’ve got some interesting reviews below, parts of some I agree with and other parts I don’t.
I didn’t read your pitches until after having read the chapters you have uploaded so far so I do not necessarily share the view that the OCD has to be overtly brought in earlier. As I didn’t know that the character would have this particular tendency, I quite like the way that we’re gradually getting to know Maxine and seeing how her neurosis affects her life.
In fact, I would go so far as to suggest that you might have overdone trying to present the obsessive nature of Maxine at times. See the following two sentences from Chapters One and Two respectively.
“My parents said that my aversion to owning things was a rebellion against the privileged life they had provided.”
“To my parents, my aversion to stuff was an ungrateful rejection of the comfortable lifestyle they had provided for me.”
This repetition doesn’t add any more sense of obsession than if you had included the information once only so I would take one of them out or at least alter it substantially so the two are not so similar.
I do agree that the apparent Americanisation of certain words doesn’t ring true. Aside from the fact that it is set in London, there are some parts which seem so British (“high street” doesn’t strike me as something an American would say) and which I have trouble imagining being used in American English. Along with changing the spelling to British English I would suggest that, for example, the word “apartment” would probably be better replaced with “flat” and whilst you use both “bum” and “butt”, I would stick with just the former.
Altogether, I really enjoyed reading this. The main character is disarmingly neurotic and retains a certain humour. I would be very keen to read more.
I wish you every success with this.
Best.

Hi Annabelle,
You’ve got some interesting reviews below, parts of some I agree with and other parts I don’t.
I didn’t read your pitches until after having read the chapters you have uploaded so far so I do not necessarily share the view that the OCD has to be overtly brought in earlier. As I didn’t know that the character would have this particular tendency, I quite like the way that we’re gradually getting to know Maxine and seeing how her neurosis affects her life.
In fact, I would go so far as to suggest that you might have overdone trying to present the obsessive nature of Maxine at times. See the following two sentences from Chapters One and Two respectively.
“My parents said that my aversion to owning things was a rebellion against the privileged life they had provided.”
“To my parents, my aversion to stuff was an ungrateful rejection of the comfortable lifestyle they had provided for me.”
This repetition doesn’t add any more sense of obsession than if you had included the information once only so I would take one of them out or at least alter it substantially so the two are not so similar.
I do agree that the apparent Americanisation of certain words doesn’t ring true. Aside from the fact that it is set in London, there are some parts which seem so British (“high street” doesn’t strike me as something an American would say) and which I have trouble imagining being used in American English. Along with changing the spelling to British English I would suggest that, for example, the word “apartment” would probably be better replaced with “flat” and whilst you use both “bum” and “butt”, I would stick with just the former.
Altogether, I really enjoyed reading this. The main character is disarmingly neurotic and retains a certain humour. I would be very keen to read more.
I wish you every success with this.
Best.

Dear Roman
Thank you so much for your comments and for spotting those typos.
Actually I do not have an agent, never did (just got abused by a few along the way). But I did get a publisher without an agent and I am very happy with this outcome, as my experience of agents has been that they are.... actually I'd better not say what I think of agents. It's not nice, involves four letter words and the desire to recreate scenes from a number of slasher horror movies.

So back to the point. Thank you for taking the time to read, spot the typos and send me this encouraging message.

My Mum hasn't read this, and I very much doubt she ever will. She really does only read gossip magazines, so I think I'll be safe :)

All the very best

Annabelle

I found this a pleasant and unusual story and enjoyed reading it. The Prologue drew me in right away. I think I agree with Audrey below that the OCD seems to come a little out of the blue. Being such a key aspect of Maxi’s character one might expect it introduced earlier rather than once we’ve already spent some time in her company. Maybe it didn’t work the way you originally had it, and so your agent persuaded you to remove it. The start is always so difficult to get right!

The other thing I thought might be introduced earlier would be an indication of where the story is taking place. The first clue I got was Russell Square, but not all readers may know where that is. I had assumed we were in the US because of the US spelling (color, gray, traveled, center).

There were just a few typos. Ch.3: “passed the kitchen” should be “past the kitchen”; “passed her” should be “past her”. Ch.4: “Kreb Cycle” should be “Krebs Cycle”; “Look whose snappy” should be “Look who’s snappy”.
There were some really lovely touches of humour – particularly relating to the Mum. (Has your own Mum read this?) I wonder how things with Sam will develop – and is he the guy in the Prologue? Hmm.

All the best for this.

I found this a pleasant and unusual story and enjoyed reading it. The Prologue drew me in right away. I think I agree with Audrey below that the OCD seems to come a little out of the blue. Being such a key aspect of Maxi’s character one might expect it introduced earlier rather than once we’ve already spent some time in her company. Maybe it didn’t work the way you originally had it, and so your agent persuaded you to remove it. The start is always so difficult to get right!

The other thing I thought might be introduced earlier would be an indication of where the story is taking place. The first clue I got was Russell Square, but not all readers may know where that is. I had assumed we were in the US because of the US spelling (color, gray, traveled, center).

There were just a few typos. Ch.3: “passed the kitchen” should be “past the kitchen”; “passed her” should be “past her”. Ch.4: “Kreb Cycle” should be “Krebs Cycle”; “Look whose snappy” should be “Look who’s snappy”.
There were some really lovely touches of humour – particularly relating to the Mum. (Has your own Mum read this?) I wonder how things with Sam will develop – and is he the guy in the Prologue? Hmm.

All the best for this.

Dear Warrick
Thank you so much for your great comments. I am glad and encouraged that you've enjoyed what you read.
I will happily take a look at Egg Cell Files.
All the very best
Annabelle

Annabelle,

I loved the danger of your prologue, quite delightful.

I also loved the opening of chapter one with the family, and especially the grandmothers. It then started to move a little too slowly, until they lost the car, and more interesting characteristics of your heroine are revealed.

I can say that your writing appears to be faultless and your characters are interesting, especially the wizened young man and the grandmothers.

I have enjoyed your work and will rate it highly.

If my p.c. crashes again, can I ask you once again to have a look at Eggs-Cell Files?

Best regards
Warrick

Annabelle,

I loved the danger of your prologue, quite delightful.

I also loved the opening of chapter one with the family, and especially the grandmothers. It then started to move a little too slowly, until they lost the car, and more interesting characteristics of your heroine are revealed.

I can say that your writing appears to be faultless and your characters are interesting, especially the wizened young man and the grandmothers.

I have enjoyed your work and will rate it highly.

If my p.c. crashes again, can I ask you once again to have a look at Eggs-Cell Files?

Best regards
Warrick

Hi Audrey
Thanks so much for your comments and for taking the time to read those three chapters.

I totally get your point about wanting to see evidence of OCD sooner in the story. Evidence used to be there right at the start, but after being told by one literary agent that this was "laborious and dull," (and after my husband talked me down off a window ledge), I decided to delete an entire scene in which Maxine has OCD. But maybe that wasn't such a great idea after all.

Regarding the Jewish aspect, I should include more evidence of that. It used to be that the New Year party in January Chapter 1, was a Jewish New Year party in September. I can't recall specifically what soul crushing comment drove me to change that to a regular New Year, but it might be worth changing it back.

Glad you liked the grannies. I just love old ladies and the fact that they are permanently high on stuff that would get younger people arrested. Or is that just my grandmother...

Anyway thanks for the advice and it is a pleasure to meet you and be part of this community

Annabelle

HI, Annabelle - so impressed to see you join in on the forums on your first day.

Couple comments on your first few chapters. Your pitches tell us your MC is OCD - it would be great to see evidence of that earlier in the story. Sam is mysterious, which makes sense. We will get to know his disorder along with the MC.

You call people Jewish but I didn't notice many signs of the culture or religion. I think adding more information to the descriptions could be helpful in creating the ambience of your story. When I make a new friend who happens to be Jewish, I don't find out because she announces, "Hey, I'm Jewish." Instead, she tells me about something thata happened at Shabbat. Or comments on needing to prepare for Hannukah. Or wishes me Happy New Year in September. Or describes her son's Bar Mitzvah. Those types of revelations would seem more natural.

Love the conversation between the grandmothers! Very funny. Overall you use humor quite effectively.

You use the phrase "low-IQ" twice in fairly rapid succession.

A very funny read! Best of luck to you on Authonomy.

~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

HI, Annabelle - so impressed to see you join in on the forums on your first day.

Couple comments on your first few chapters. Your pitches tell us your MC is OCD - it would be great to see evidence of that earlier in the story. Sam is mysterious, which makes sense. We will get to know his disorder along with the MC.

You call people Jewish but I didn't notice many signs of the culture or religion. I think adding more information to the descriptions could be helpful in creating the ambience of your story. When I make a new friend who happens to be Jewish, I don't find out because she announces, "Hey, I'm Jewish." Instead, she tells me about something thata happened at Shabbat. Or comments on needing to prepare for Hannukah. Or wishes me Happy New Year in September. Or describes her son's Bar Mitzvah. Those types of revelations would seem more natural.

Love the conversation between the grandmothers! Very funny. Overall you use humor quite effectively.

You use the phrase "low-IQ" twice in fairly rapid succession.

A very funny read! Best of luck to you on Authonomy.

~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

This is truly funny and promises to get funnier yet. The competition between the grandmothers for who had the worst pain, was hysterical, so true to life. You certainly capture the obsessive character so well and I loved the way the adults perceived it. I've highly star-rated this and backed it too.
Gill

Thank you Gill, you are so very kind. I've just joined this site, and your comment has totally made my day :)
Annabelle

This is truly funny and promises to get funnier yet. The competition between the grandmothers for who had the worst pain, was hysterical, so true to life. You certainly capture the obsessive character so well and I loved the way the adults perceived it. I've highly star-rated this and backed it too.
Gill

l like your use of the first person; this always works; you fill your narrative with subtle humour that also works. this is an original and enjoyable book...and l'm so jealous, l may not back your book- but l'm no cheat and the book deserves 6 stars******

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