Fresh Meat

Maeve,

How do you do this? Actually don't tell me, don't tell anyone, keep it a secret. Because its going to make you millions. This is fantastic, but then I knew it would be on the merit of MMID, but this is fantastic! I just read the whole lot, and can't offer a word of crit. The usual witty humour, and graceful breath of life in the characters... I have decided to reserve a 'Maeve' spot on my shelf; once MMID reaches the ED, this one goes up.

Suffice to say, I wonder how long it will be before a newbie writer gets published with a 'praise' comment on the back of their book, from the Guardian, saying simply: 'A style reminiscent of the great Maeve Sleibhin'

Best,
J.

take a six stars for this.

Isoje David

Animals in Paradise

Dear Maeve, my number one fan :)
(I am the number one fan of this work -- and going to back it once MMID makes the desk)

I told you a long time ago I was going to comment, but never did. I read everything you posted, and took notes as I did, but of course I can't locate them, so all my comments will be off of my memory.

I knew I liked this as soon as Lola said "Please shut up". Her voice is funny, and her head is an entertaining one to be in. I did laugh out loud in parts, and that is always a good thing. I hope other people react the way that I did to Lola (since some stick-in-the-muds usually want a loveable puppy for an MC)

This reads very differently from MMID -- it's like the style is written by two different people. Both are great, in their own way, but it is amazing to me how one person wrote these two books.

I found that Lola's laughing went on for a little bit too long when the whore doctor shows up, but that is the only fault I found.

Someone mentioned it being too 'commercial' -- to some extent, the vampires ARE a little bit commercial, but at least they don't sparkle. That's the beauty of this, you're taking us back to a time where vampires are evil monsters, not glittering, plain-girl loving, pussies.

Ehhhh that is all I can recall from my notes -- if I ever do find them, I'll comment properly.

Melissa

Maeve - Hello! Thank you for your message. The blarney quite bowled me over to be sure an all... Bejasuss! I have put both your books on my Watchlist. For the the first 7 days and last 7 days of the month I Back the Editors Choice. In between, I rotate Backings of the books on my Watchlist. Best regards. Tony Brady.

Hello Maeve!

So far I've gotten through two chapters; the story is very refreshing although at some points I feel it can get very commercial. I laughed on several occasions. The descriptions are heavy in some areas but sparse in others; for instance you've done a beautiful job describing the world around them, but I don't feel like I have a full sense of the main character just yet. Maybe I'll have to read further (which I will) when I have a little bit more time on my hands. Overall from what I've read it's really intriguing and interesting. I think your characters are developing beautifully... Highly starred :)

--Myunique/ Saved by Fire

This is really great! Have read two chapters so far and I really have been drawn to your book.

Hi Maeve,

Wonderful read. I suppose you know that Spanish speakers sometimes call the place the 'Isle of Enchantment'? How very appropriate to set the book there. I got a vived sense of the heat and the humidity. Love the humidor reference.

From the pitch, there are vampires, demons and succubi. Taking a wild guess, I would say maybe Tony is a demon and Luisa is a succubi. I don't know about Jeremy yet. Given his changed look in the nightclub, maybe he is not entirely human anymore? Seven chapters isn't more than a dreadful tease. Sigh. I have to wonder if Tony is extremely old, given his comment on Shakespeare. He seemed to be making more than just a guess. This was more like knowing him.

I am not sure what to make of the boat at this point. Luisa's people are very rich, that is clear. Is the name 'Ecstasy' a play on the word?

One thing I thought was a tad on the light side was Lola's acceptance of being kicked off her team. She comes over as very feisty, with a bit of a temper, but she doesn't dwell on what happened to her to land her where she is. Maybe a bit more backstory, such as what happened to her parents? I gather they are dead and this is why she runs to Jeremy. Also, what are her feelings for Jeremy? He appears to be a sort of big brother at first, but Lola's reaction to Luisa indicates deeper feelings. The appartment is very small, with a single bed, so what were the initial sleeping arrangements? I was looking for that to get more of a grasp on their relationship.

I have put this book on my WL and will shelve it when I have room. For now, maximum stars.

Maeve,

How do you do this? Actually don't tell me, don't tell anyone, keep it a secret. Because its going to make you millions. This is fantastic, but then I knew it would be on the merit of MMID, but this is fantastic! I just read the whole lot, and can't offer a word of crit. The usual witty humour, and graceful breath of life in the characters... I have decided to reserve a 'Maeve' spot on my shelf; once MMID reaches the ED, this one goes up.

Suffice to say, I wonder how long it will be before a newbie writer gets published with a 'praise' comment on the back of their book, from the Guardian, saying simply: 'A style reminiscent of the great Maeve Sleibhin'

Best,
J.

So very funny....

Chapter one
Wasn't sure from just reading the chapter what the relationship between Jeremy and Lola was, at first I thought partners and then relations of some kind. Had to check back on the pitch to know they were best friends.
'given that she appeared to be an understudy for the Whore of Babylon' - Love that line!
Your descriptions remind me of my own time in the caribean and the little winged vampires that live there. Enjoying this so far.

loved the first chapter, made me laugh, and brought back some memories, it has got me anticipating every second, I like the introductions of the characters will read some more. great start.

loved the first chapter, made me laugh, and brought back some memories, it has got me anticipating every second, I like the introductions of the characters will read some more. great start.

Your pitch drew me in, and I must say that I am glad that I took the chance to read the first few chapters. I do like the humor in it, but I am somewhat confused by some of Lola's reactions and her lack of questioning what's going on. Also, if I hadn't read the pitch and found out that she had been kicked out of her soccer league then I would have been lost. Regardless of those things, I found myself enjoying it and will finish reading the rest later.

Cheers,
Marisa
Tower of Paradise

I had a lot of fun reading this. It should be tagged: not your typical vampire story...it was an easy read - totally hallmarked by your unique sense of humor (not very many people are able to make me laugh out loud, but you have a knack for it...) Even though this story isn't quite as humorous and rollicking as your other novel - the humorous bits make the vampire theme more fresh and unique - besides the settings of time a place - which also read unlike any other vampire novel I've read (and...I admit...I've read many...)

I would very much like to read on...this is fun and quirky and 100% signature Maeve. Loved it.

- Rena

Maeve,
Starting with the pitch – you use excessively twice. Also, how much is excessive. I think any tattooing is excessive!
Isn’t it tyres on cars?
You say that Jeremy’s cramped cubicle is filled with cruise ships? Need to revise commas here.
I loved the description of Lucia. The Whore of Babylon often has her name taken in vain in this household – when my husband does his Ian Paisley impression.
‘scantily dressed feline;’ sounds a bit odd to me, as if felines occasionally wear clothes.

Great club scene, vivid and steamy. I liked the hinted at goings-on that are inappropriate except outside a brothel.
The scene ends rather abruptly for me, I thought the fair man was Jeremy, telling Juan to back off from his friend.

In chapter 3 the sentence that begins ‘What,’ she said, waving vaguely at the two of us, ‘does Wlagreen’s have special piercing benefits?’ needs different punctuation. Also, I wasn’t sure why she would wave vaguely, it gives the impression that Lucia’s not sure what’s she’s about. And it’s an adverb – I thought we weren’t allowed those? It’s at this point that I lose my grip on the Lucia/Lola relationship. Lucia turns up loooking raddled and unmade up and saves Lola, but Lola still refers to her as a bitch. I thought we were going to have a softening up of their antagonism.

Chapter 4
Liked the bouncer taking a lick of dog dirt, but wasn’t sure what exactly prompted Tony to tell Lola to run, and why she did. You bring the bouncer’s name, Boris out of the blue. Does it not need an introduction? You do the same with Mark a bit later on. I know it isn’t a cast of thousands so I could work out who you were refering to, but it pulled me up short to wonder.
Loved the smoking crucifix. Why Boris incidentally? He reminds me of a Peruvian bouncer I knew once called Braulio
‘Boris just snarled, totally past words.’ I like totally hate that word, it is just like so totally like awesome!
He snarls again. Jeremy snarls quite a bit too.
‘They have boots like yours too?’ don’t understand who she means by ‘they’. Nicely nasty scene. But why are there no onlookers?


Chapter 5
Haven’t worked out why Lola hates Lucia so much. It doesn’t seem to be jealousy.

Chapter 6

‘totally creeping me out.’ Apart from it being the t word again, the Americanese jars a little for me as the humour and the style seem so much more European.
Lola does a lot of scowling.
What are ‘ornate gold Middle Age objects’?
‘I tore my way out from behind the engine, losing half (the) skin on my forearms.’
‘Mark took the bottle, drank a slug, and passed it on to Pat.’ Who’s Mark? He drank a slug? Yuck! Why not:
‘Mark took a slug from the bottle and passed it on to Pat.’ That’s begun to sound weird too now!
‘He seemed unnaccountably enthused for a straight man.’ as opposed to gay?
‘a combination of English and Afrikaans.’ I don’t know many ‘English’ South Africans but they all hold the Boers in contempt and would never stoop to learning their language. Maybe it’s changed since Mandela though.

After ‘Rhodri blushed.’ I think you need some sort of break before the exchange with Tony.

I really enjoyed this. The humour is more restrained than in Mrs Maginnes where I felt it was sometimes a little self-conscious. It seems to me you take just the right tone for a vampire story, which is difficult to play entirely straight. I like Lola’s style, she’s a tremendous foil to the sultry Lucia, who again I feel is going to develop into a more complex character as the story unfolds. For what it’s worth, I think you should take the whole thing a bit slower, fill in a bit of detail, local colour, physical descriptions, and dot the i’s and cross the t’s where the action is concerned, so the dumb wits like me know exactly what’s going on and why.
I’m looking forward to reading the next installment.
Yet another book in the queue for my shelf. It’ll get there, promise!
Jane

Maeve,
Here are a few first general thoughts.
I find this a much easier read than Mrs Maginnes, funnier too. You are certainly the queen of hyperbole but in the context of Fresh Meat it works well, gives the story a slightly hysterical edge which, given the subject matter seems quite appropriate to me.
The setting is rich and exotic, unlike…you know where. I’d like a bit more decription please, I think Puerto Rico could take it. Good characters, I have really warmed to Lola. I loved it when she threatened to break all of Jeremy’s teeth for him. I'll post a blow by blow account when I've got my notes sorted. But so far, so good, it's a rip roaring read!
Jane

I love vampire stories so your pitch drew me in. Compliments on the pitch by the way it was concise and just gave the right amount of information. Although the subject matter is quite serious I love the way you have injected a wry sense of humour from Lola all the way through. The mosquito scenario where she wakes up red and lumpy is brilliant. The scene in the nightclub dancing with Juan was just sizzling. I had an image of Antonio Bandarez in my head all the way through! I enjoyed reading Fresh Meat. Your writing is accomplished and flows well. Six well deserved stars.

PS - I love the book cover. It has real bite ha.

Kim (Pain)

Chapter 5:
Last line: Your friend is a very sneaky young man," she said finally. "Come on," she said finally, and marched out of the apartment. (Rework the last part, I don't know, just drop the second finally)
I. Like. The. Full. Stop. Writing. Especially "You. Are. In. Danger." "You. Are. A. Bitch."
I like that she reacted to the attack and it was kind of a repair to the friendship. The only thing I can think of is this concept in Improv that has to do with reacting to danger. I don't know how many times my improv coach has yelled at my troop that when someone pulls a gun, you react...Does Lola really have no inclination to leave the island where she was attacked by a vampire, is constantly attacked by misquitos (if she doesn't smell like 'dog manure') and stuck working at Walgreens for minimum wage? Is so, what is her motivation for it? Why doesn't she have anything to go back to? Maybe exploring a little bit more. I totally get that the main reason she doesn't want to go back is because of Lucia, to show her up and make her tough.

Chapter 2:
The dance scene with Juan and Lola was intense and wonderful, the writing was powerful and I could pretty much imagine it happening (despite the fact that I know nothing about salsa dancing).
I also loved at the end of the chapter *Otherwise known as DEET... That endnote is kind of hilarious, totally worth keeping in (Although I have to say, I wasn't sure if it was you talking or Lola-if it was Lola maybe put it in brackets after the first N,N-diethyl-meta-toluamide.
The only two issues I had were at the beginning "We didn't talk about it because we don't." I feel like you could have added talk. I get that it was trying be be casual but I feel like it sounds better if you say, "...because we don't talk." I don't know, I just think it sounds more powerful.
Also, the dialogue at the clinic with the woman telling her that there was no night shift and laughing in her face. The dialogue didn't sound totally authentic (not sure how, just didn't feel right to me.

Chapter 3:
Set up a good level of mystery between Lola, Lucia and Tony.
Not pushing anything on the reader but I did find the dialogue a little fast.
The conversation between Lucia and Lola was interesting. I like how you said Lucia acted nice at first before she realized who she was. I am curious though why Lucia doesn't like Lola so much. Is it just because of the shared relationship with Jeremy or is there something more?

Chapter 4:
I have to agree with the other user who said 'uglily' didn't work. I think 'twitched horribly' might work better.
I can't move the page, which kind of sucks because there for one line in the middle, very natural, very funny, very short...just remember, "Yeah, she shoots, I do like that" I think that was one of the most natural lines in the book.
I don't read a lot of paranormal fiction but is it normal for a non-vampire/regular human to be totally non-challant about the face that the woman she hates and the guy she loves/she best friends with, just killing a vampire (to most people a mythical creature).
Other than that I found myself entranced by that whole part.
Good job. Will read and comment on the rest later.

Chapter 2:
The dance scene with Juan and Lola was intense and wonderful, the writing was powerful and I could pretty much imagine it happening (despite the fact that I know nothing about salsa dancing).
I also loved at the end of the chapter *Otherwise known as DEET... That endnote is kind of hilarious, totally worth keeping in (Although I have to say, I wasn't sure if it was you talking or Lola-if it was Lola maybe put it in brackets after the first N,N-diethyl-meta-toluamide.
The only two issues I had were at the beginning "We didn't talk about it because we don't." I feel like you could have added talk. I get that it was trying be be casual but I feel like it sounds better if you say, "...because we don't talk." I don't know, I just think it sounds more powerful.
Also, the dialogue at the clinic with the woman telling her that there was no night shift and laughing in her face. The dialogue didn't sound totally authentic (not sure how, just didn't feel right to me.

Chapter 3:
Set up a good level of mystery between Lola, Lucia and Tony.
Not pushing anything on the reader but I did find the dialogue a little fast.
The conversation between Lucia and Lola was interesting. I like how you said Lucia acted nice at first before she realized who she was. I am curious though why Lucia doesn't like Lola so much. Is it just because of the shared relationship with Jeremy or is there something more?

Chapter 4:
I have to agree with the other user who said 'uglily' didn't work. I think 'twitched horribly' might work better.
I can't move the page, which kind of sucks because there for one line in the middle, very natural, very funny, very short...just remember, "Yeah, she shoots, I do like that" I think that was one of the most natural lines in the book.
I don't read a lot of paranormal fiction but is it normal for a non-vampire/regular human to be totally non-challant about the face that the woman she hates and the guy she loves/she best friends with, just killing a vampire (to most people a mythical creature).
Other than that I found myself entranced by that whole part.
Good job. Will read and comment on the rest later.

Right - first impressions; you have neatly sketched out a compelling protagonist in Lola - a kind of Neal Stephenson heroine thrown into a 'Rum Diary' era Thompson setting. Screw Hemmingway in Cuba, this is actually funny! Precise, far-above-sitcom-par dialogue which fills in the attitude and reactions of the main character... I love her near death experience through unstoppable laughter when she meets Doc Lucia.

Mosquitoes as a prelude to vampirism is nice. It povides a Nat Geo kind of reference to that fact that bloodsuckers need not be paranormal...

More soon.

Hey Meave,
Here for the book exchange. I only have time to read one chapter as I am off to work BUT so far what I have read is REALLY good. I LOVE the character of Lola, she seems very out of place, kind of like an underdog, despite being the main character in the story.
The dialogue seems very real and readable. I look forward to reading the rest :)

Maeve,

Well you can write, that's for sure. Your use of the language is near pitch-perfect, you have created a very engaging character in Lola, and you can move a story along.

I only saw three things I'd change. 1) "Uglily" is an awkward word. You might want to ditch it. 2) "'It's a good place for you,' he added begrudgingly." Grudgingly might be a better choice. 3) In the description of the yacht, you use "Mine's Bigger I and II" and within a sentence or two talk about the phallic nature of some part of the boat. Since both are phallic references, you should probably use one or the other, but not both.

Yes of course there are some punctuation issues, but they are few and minor. You'll catch them or an editor will.

This is not laugh-out-loud funny, but it doesn't need to be. It's very engaging in its own way.

But really, that's about it. I read all that you've posted, and it's excellent. If this were a complete work, I'd back it with five or six stars. If the rest of it turns out as good as these first 12,000 words, I'll go back and kick upward my already-high star rating of this work. For now, this is really promising. Congratulations!

Mark

Backed and star rated Fresh Meat. Love the title. Great bit about the mosquitoes and bites Lola got on first arriving to the island. It brought a smile and several chuckles. When you decide to edit, we suggestions working on placement of commas.

Examples:
Second sentence of the first paragraph might read better if broken it into two smaller sentences. Third sentence needs a couple of commas-By then, I had begun to realize living on the island was going to be like living inside a humidor, and I was actively trying to force the sweat of my pores.

Twelfth paragraph needs a comma —discovered my blood volume had been reduced by about twenty percent, and that my entire body was a mess of bites.

Sixteenth paragraph needs a comma-I looked like a maddened albino Dalmatian, and every square inch of me itched like hell.

Hope you will find time to take a look at our book, Dark Side.
CC Brown

Hot damn!
Only had ten minutes - and only two to write a comment - but this book leaves your other (very good) book in the shade.
Slides neatly round the forebrain to cut straight to the imagination. I was barely aware I was reading.
Lovely development of the scene. Nice slow build up of description. I like your heroine very much.
In summary: bloody good.

Lindsay
A Priest's Tale

This novel is a fantastic mix of comedy, vampires and some romance thrown in. Lola is a great lead character because she's an underdog and an outsider. That's make her so easy to identify with for me. Your descriptions of the characters and places are terrific.

I'm happy to back this one. You should promote it heavily on here because it's well written.

Good luck,

Brian Bandell
Mute