The Combatant Wiz Kids: Secrets Revealed (REVISED VERSION)

Not usually a fan of books written in the present tense, I found this time it helped create a brilliant sense of excitement and immediacy. The bustle and squash of sports commentators seemed vividly real to me and I read on with enthusiasm. Knowing the Northern Territory, I quickly found myself squashed into the heat, the dust, and the noise. Your writing brought it all very much alive.
However, I confess that after a time my attention began to wander. I'm afraid I got lost with what on earth was supposed to be happening. Perhaps I am just the wrong reader - too old - too uninterested in sports in general. I could not work out what sport this was - I even began to imagine some wierd sort of alien boxing. Yes - daft perhaps - but I kept yearning for some clarity.
However, the dialogue is excellent and the writing style is really very clever. The formatting gets a bit confused but that could easily be fixed up.
The pace is quite outstanding - and I am sure this will really appeal to your target audience.
Good luck.

Hi Paulette, Alex, and Sam, Written deftly for the young reader. I liked the reporter's dialogue and his interview answers. Maybe a little more introduction to the Northern region and the world you're writing about, as from the synopsis. This sentence: "adjust his glasses, after pulling up his trousers..." needs recasting. I really liked the pace and the sentence structures as it all reflects the young reader vantage, sprightly and drawing one on with the characterization. Shelved - Katherine

Hi, I just read the first two chapters.
If I'm honest, I found it quite difficult to get into. Personally, I needed to know more about the sport much earlier on as it confused me - what is the sport, how do you play it, who plays it etc. Some on horses, some not, goals, silver crow, rubber surface, something about another planet? I really got confused, but I'm sure that this could be cleared up really easily.
I found a few typos, which I know manage to get past us all somehow.
In chapter 1: "...as he struggles to breath." - shouldn't it be "breathe"?
In chapter 2: "remember your all Elite Combatants." - you're
In chapter 2: "...didn't please Nathan at all. He wanted to carrier it." - carry
I found that tenses seemed to change between past and present. To illustrate, in chapter 2, "Tracie closes her eyes, as she often did..." - change closes to closed or did to does.
I'll try to read some more soon when I get chance, as I'm intrigued to see what happens.
I hope I've been of some help and not hyper critical.
Cheers,
Mike.

(Rudolf Goes Bananas)

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An intriguing start. Interesting characters. Deft descriptions. Rich imagery. A strong sense of place. Awesome world building. Well-crafted tension. Snooth, flowing pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) 'The smell of sweet Candy and hot food is buoyant.' 'Candy' should be lowercase. Also, when you mention smell try to characterize it. What does the candy smell like? Maple? Cinnamon? Chocolate? What does the hot food smell like? Grilled hamburger? Popped corn? French fries? When you characterize smell, you pull the reader deeper into your scene.
2) 'Ed, Look.' 'Look' should be lowercase.
3) Hyphenate 'grey haired.'
4) 'Walk forward ..., and down that path guys.' Comma after 'path.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas. There are more cases where you address someone in dialogue, but didn't offset their name or title with commas.

I hope these comments help you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Oak" and let me know what you think?

Have a marvelous day.

Al

Hi Paulette, Alex and Sam,
I’m here for our read swap. So sorry it’s taken this long to get here. I’ve had some family emergencies to deal with. I’m anxious to check it out now, though. Below are my findings/comments. They are of course my humblest opinions, so take them for whatever they’re worth.
Just something to note, “being” is kind of a weak word. Might consider rewriting that short pitch in a more active voice.
The semicolon should be a comma.
Little choice for what? Almost shaped as what? This needs to be clearer.
Why is there a “the” in front of Sherman? Is that a title?
I don’t think Followers should be capitalized.
Ditto for Interlopers
Remember to keep it to the hooks and whittle out the unnecessary backstory and details. This is a pitch, so the primary goal should be to lure the reader into opening the book, not to summarize the plot.
Chapter 1
Candy should not be capitalized
Buoyant isn’t the right word. It implies that it floats on water.
Queues of what? I assume you mean people.
Add a comma after dazzling and before warm
Players…what players? What sport is this? Let the reader see what the narrator sees.
“you name it” is a bit too colloquial for prose.
The description is good, but I think the opening paragraph could be stronger.
Love your narrative voice, but I think the character imagery could be amped up a bit. I’m not able to picture Ed or Ethan. And who is saying “Ed, look”?
Who is “they?” I’m not seeing this.
There is a lot of wonderful things to this. I love, love, love the flow and the characters are likable. My biggest gripe is that it’s kind of hard for the reader to get into the story at first, because the setting is not clearly painted. Just something to consider. This is a strong start otherwise. I can see it doing well here.
Best of luck!
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Very well written, loved the description about the trousers rolling down the belly, best of luck
Jackie

This story has a great voice and style for the audience you are looking for. The opening is a great way to hook the readers. It is an interesting idea that I think a lot of people would enjoy. The characters are engaging and the pacing has a unique flow. I wish you the best of luck on reaching the Editor's Desk with this one and I will see if I can find a place on my shelf in a couple of weeks for you, if not I will see what my friends say about it.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

Oh dear, I edited this book and clicked on the wrong icon and lost all our backing and those who placed our book on their watchlist. I suppose this is a sign for us to take it off and edit away, possibly......?

The Combatant Wiz Kids: Secrets Revealed is a very unique story cleverly told by authors Paulette, Alex and Sam Lewis. The language and the pacing are perfect for younger readers, and even older kids (and adults) will enjoy the story.

One core of the book is a unique game called Equifutsal, which is a mix of horseback riding and, I think, soccer. While I loved the description of the gameplay and was in fact riveted by it, I did find it difficult to follow. There are several paragraphs where one of the character’s fathers is teaching the rules of the game, but not enough is explained, and that part of the book really slows down the action. Perhaps that tutoring scene could be eliminated in favor of a prologue that explains all the rules of the game in a simple rule-book-like style? I think Equifutsal is fascinating, but I have hard time visualizing how horses and kids on foot could play on the same field without someone getting trampled. Anyway, a detailed guide to the game, how to score, what the field looks like, ect, would really make it even more enjoyable.

The main characters initially are kids playing on the Combatant’s team, and they are all very believable and easy to like. They interact the way kids do, and the dialog is spot on. Once they get off the field, some really strange things begin to happen, and it’s neat to see that the authors have crafted a very detailed world involving trickery and conspiracy, though never outside of what a younger reader could understand. Quite the opposite actually. I can see lots of young people identifying with the plight of the kids on the team, especially Kiki, who is left to piece it all together.

It’s not often that a children’s book comes out that is as wholly unique as The Combatant Wiz Kids: Secrets Revealed. This one has the potential to catch fire with that audience, and I can see adaptations beyond mere books into films and/or TV shows without too much conversion. Six stars and backing for these Wiz Kids.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

I love the opening as it reads like a bit of a commentary in sport. Which I think you were aiming for.
Your writing is quick and rapid and lends well to the plot.
The characters are strong and 3 dimensional.
Pov is just right and the pitch and power is excellent.
A high quality read.
The dialogue enhances the piece and the narrative is strong.
You know what you are writing about and have done your homework in researching your market.
The twists and turns draws you in and you are lead into reading more.
Well done. You know what you are doing.

starting this book at a football match worked very well- it take us perfectly into byour story=excellent narrative too, makes this a very good book.
on my watchlist for now...
six stars******
read SEASONS...

The book has a game in it and I just want to let possible reviewers know, it's not football - Equifustal is certainly a game of two halves, but one part mounted, a bit like pony games, hence the 'equi' prefix. The other half is a combination of rugby and football hence the 'futsal' suffix. This is only a fraction of the story and each book recount 4 years and kicks off or end with the Combatants playing a game. Please don't think it's simply a football book because it was written by a mother and her twin boys. The idea of the game came from my boys, one produces his own ponies and plays rubgy. The other likes ponies and plays a lot of football. Thank you all for looking at our book.

starting this book at a football match worked very well- it take us perfectly into byour story=excellent narrative too, makes this a very good book.
on my watchlist for now...
six stars******
read SEASONS...

This is great!! What a fun read! The Equifutsal game reminded me of Jumanji on steroids! :) I love this and would recommended it to my son.Great job! :)

Blessings and best wishes,
Laura A. Diaz
"They Call Me Blanca"