Suicide Vacation

good detail. long pitch draws me in. polished writing. could see it as a movie along the lines of "23"...
j
what every woman should know

Hi Rich,
What an amazing mixture of information. You must be very well travelled.
Your writing, editing and layout is polished with no errors or distractions.
You manage to roll together a site seeing tour, a hopeless character, films and music for atmosphere and an intriguing mysterious entity.
I was so hoping to get to Rome and find out more about the mysterious messages. It's a shame that you didn't put in one more chapter, just for me. I'm left hanging.
I'm sorry I have no constructive criticism for your book, I found nothing to criticise.
I wish you all the best and will put your book on my shelf. Well deserved.
Pollyanna. 'Marsupeople'.

That's a very nice write. I was with Jack and in his head from the off. To be honest, think it's one of the best opening para's I've read in the last two hundred books. NIce one.

hi Vic,

to return the favour of your comment I had a quick look and was immediately drawn into your story. Your writing creates a true sense of immediacy and every sentence is convincing and believable. Descriptions shine with originality and are enhanced by spot-on adjectives and humorous comparisons. Yet, the story-line always keeps a serious undertone and takes the reader into a mind stirred by tumult, edginess and doubts.
Still, the MC's love for life remains and peeps through the dark intentions. It is not difficult to imagine that this man will find another reason to live. He's got so much going for him, - a vivid sense of observation, a love for music, a wish to find love and happiness.
Your book depicts modern culture and has one advantage over other books - it isn't tacky and doesn't stoop to any levels of cheapness or compromise, meaning the moral standards of this MC show a real nice human being who has had enough of the general level of boredom, carelessness and sickness in the world around him.
Favourite bits : Rocky Balboas's comments. The choice of names being Jack and Rose as brother and sister, the 'virginity' card, the comparison of a coronary to his dish-washer and the bit about the metal detector.
The wish that the plane might crash was a stroke of genius and a very real sensation in the quest to commit suicide.
I particularly enjoyed the way you tackled the passage of time which is strictly adhered to in the first three chapters I read. This is difficult to do while at the same time driving the plot and inner dialogue forward. A brilliant read so far. The book will be on my shelf shortly. Best wishes with this. Ame

This prose here is very solid. You also captured the feeling of a person hitting midlife with few prospects, though you look a tad young in your profile picture to have this much understanding of the topic. But I felt much like this at forty, even though I hadn't lost my position or my love. So, the sense of despair that comes to many of us at midlife: you captured that very well.

A mechanical issue for you to consider. In the States, we are only allowed to quote about two lines of a song's lyrics without seeking permission from the owner of the copyright. If UK laws are similar, you're going to have to cut down the length of your quotes from songs to capture just the most important thoughts. It's either that or spend a bunch of time getting those permissions.

Though well-executed, the pace of the book is a bit slow. The hook doesn't come until chapter three with Quint's email. Then you back away and don't really stir the pot again until your MC encounters the rock singer at the Sagra Familia. Whenever the MC interacts with a character, as he does with Isabella, the interest level goes up for me. I know you're portraying a man with major depression, but you're staying inside his head a little too much.

Your attention to detail is very good, though sometimes it's almost too good to the point of being clinical, or even like a procedural manual.

I think there's a good deal of potential here, because you write quite well. If I were in your shoes, I'd try to get things moving a little more quickly, throw in periodic mysterious or ominous things happening around the MC, even if he doesn't notice them at first. I'd have more dialogue here at the beginning, force him to talk even if he doesn't want to.

Mark
Hell's Super
http://www.authonomy.com/books/40009/hell-s-super/

good detail. long pitch draws me in. polished writing. could see it as a movie along the lines of "23"...
j
what every woman should know

I've just read the first couple of chapters - very entertaining, and pleased to support your writing.

Hi Rich,
What an amazing mixture of information. You must be very well travelled.
Your writing, editing and layout is polished with no errors or distractions.
You manage to roll together a site seeing tour, a hopeless character, films and music for atmosphere and an intriguing mysterious entity.
I was so hoping to get to Rome and find out more about the mysterious messages. It's a shame that you didn't put in one more chapter, just for me. I'm left hanging.
I'm sorry I have no constructive criticism for your book, I found nothing to criticise.
I wish you all the best and will put your book on my shelf. Well deserved.
Pollyanna. 'Marsupeople'.

I like your pitch - it's intriguing, and I love Barcelona and am intrigued by the world of film - as I'm sure many people are, so you're onto a winner in terms of marketing here.
the first line is good. It tells us a lot about the story and the character and the theme of the book (I assume?). I might make a tiny adjustment to the sentence that begins "his mind was a cinema..." I would say quotes bounced around "its" auditorium, just to make absolutely clear we're still talking about his mind and not about an actual auditorium.
You give us a lot of backstory and background in that first chapter.I wonder if you could weave all that in later, and draw us with some action/intrigue...
Oooh, I've just seen that it's "religious" too - that's intriguing!
Anyway, hope this is helpful, but if not feel free to ditch it! I'm an unpublished writer too!

That's a very nice write. I was with Jack and in his head from the off. To be honest, think it's one of the best opening para's I've read in the last two hundred books. NIce one.

Suicide Vacation. A great title. Perhaps your cover could be more imaginative, but your short pitch contains an appropriate hook. The long pitch shouldnt really repeat that first sentence. It is a waste of valuable word-space. It needs to exude emotion to entice the reader in, rather than merely lay out the bare bones of the plot.

Ch.1. That's an immediate eye-opener: a MC who gives more weight to the film star than to the character which is being portrayed. But I wonder if it's the right opening paragraph for a story. Readers may prefer something more active and immediate than a piece of philosophy.

There are some unnecessary words which, when omitted, actually improve the flow: just, occasional, always, only, immediately, really. (Ch.2) finally.

The back story is obviously necessary, but I wonder if it might be introduced in dribs and drabs as the story unfolds - the pace is quite slow, and all those 'had's deaden the mind somewhat.
I like that touch of Jack's replacement being a guy who wore a baseball cap indoors. And Jack's 'moment of clarity'.

Maybe if you introduced some dialogue, the chapter would flow better?

Ch.2. Those paragraphs march symmetrically across the screen, and somehow I'm not able to engage with your MC. It's as if I'm watching him from an authorial viewpoint. Perhaps if you really got under his skin, and saw the world through his eyes, thinking through him, your story would come alive? You achieve it on occasion - like when he contemplates taking up smoking again. (All those character hints which negate his fixation to end his life - well contrived!).
You could say 'when he left the shop, he knew he was smelling like a Turkish brothel.'
That's an amusing anecdote of the brothel, but it could have been told in half the words...

I can echo Jank's thoughts on the English lack of warmth - it hit me like a bucket of ice when arriving back after a world trip!

Aha - Jack is showing more hints of character and concern, when he thinks it might not be fair on Isabella to find his dead body.

Your drawing out of the agony, and subtle hints of uncertainty is good technique. The scenes, though humdrum, are well written, but in travelogue style. I can see why you're doing this, but you need to breathe more emotion and immediacey into Jack's character; get the reader involved and on tenterhooks, wondering if he's going to do it or not!
Maybe, for starters, you might search out all the 'he remembered's and 'he felt's, etc.?

But it's only my opinion, and it's your book...
I enjoyed the read.

Jane (Breath of Africa).

Thanks for your thoughts Joe. I really appreciate them. Very pleased you never went through with 'The deed'. Never seen that Alec Guiness film, but I'll take your word that it was manure. All the best. Rich.

Well you're doing something right, Rich, I was well into chapter two when I remembered I'd only meant to read one tonight! Your writing is smooth, witty and very clean - hardly a typo in sight, always a good sign. I particularly liked the 'voice' of your MC, sly, droll, worldweary, with a plethora of amusing observational asides. He in fact sounds rather too balanced and blase to be contemplating suicide! Is he perhaps going through some kind of early mid-life crisis? I only ask this because I had one of those once and also postponed topping meself because of a movie remake. It was 'Last Holiday' with Alec Guiness and I really should have done the deed cos the follow-up was crap.

I'm going to make a radical suggestion here. Lose your first chapter. All that (static) backstory could be drip-fed into later chapters, as dialogue perhaps or as flashback 'thoughts' in italics. Your story really starts with chap 2, and if you make this your '1', it'll get you far more readers. The film references pleased me, I love film and I really thought you might insert 'Leaving Las Vegas' somewhere, cos Jack does consider drinking himself to death like Nick Cage, don't he? Anyway, six stars from me and on my list for future shelving.

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Millionaires

Just read the first 2 chapters and was very impressed.
Jack is a very believable, relatable character. I think parts of the 1st chapter were reminiscent of the early parts of Fight Club. A modern man adrift in his world, on the surface a normal, functioning human being, but underneath, empty, hallow. You also address some of the themes a attempt to cover in my own book.
There are so many young people, like Jack, that find themselves cut off from society, and you capture this well.

The only thing that didnt really sit well with me was the film references. They seemed superfluous to me. The narrative is strong enough that they dont need them, and they somehow seem half-hearted. Your pitch makes it souns as though he is movie-obsessed, but in the end, the references seem almost token, and contribute nothing. I would say either really emphasise them, or ditch them all together. No half measures!

That aside, i loved it, and will be reading more. Will also back at some point. For now, staying on my WL, and high stars. Well done, it's good work.

PS Have you read John Toomey's recent novel Sleepwalker? In a similar Vein to your book.

Vic Flange, that's really quite beautiful...

I'm enjoying your book, it's a great premise and has a very modern feel, I especially like that you are tackling that sense of emptiness so many people seem to experience nowadays.

Just a suggestion and one you are free to ignore - perhaps starting each chapter with one of Jack's favourite quotes instead of incoporating them into his thoughts?

Jack was once an ambitious Gen Xer who appeared to have it all. Now he’s one of life’s losers and decides to end it all. Too busy climbing the ladder in commercial radio to make time for his mates, he’s lost touch with all his friends. The only person he has left is his sister Rose.

The characterisation of Jack is extremely well done and he is an extremely credible, three dimensional character. So much so that I was able to identify with Jack as, for a time I too was an ambitious media professional. And although my time on contract in the North East was only six months, it seemed to go on forever. It was at a time before it had become trendy and where, in the very close-knit communities, I was regarded with a mixture of pity and suspicion. I was regularly asked how I was able to move away from home and family just for work.

I somehow never get the feeling that Jack’s heart is in it and that he’s half-hearted about doing away with himself. I don’t see this is a negative – you handle it with just the right balance of pathos and humour.

Just a couple of niggles that are easily fixable.
You write so well and have created such a believable character in Jack that at times the quotes from his favourite movies and tracks seem to diminish his characterisation rather than enhance it. Nobody does music and lyrics to top yourself better than Joy Division so I certainly don’t think you need the Crowded House lyrics as well.

I would think about writing shorter paragraphs as there are some longer ones that could be broken down into more easily digested chunks. Just occasionally too, Jack goes off on slight tangents - for instance when he’s passing time in Duty Free. I know that you’ve written that to illustrate the loss of his friendship with his mate Mark but that section could be edited to be a bit shorter and tighter.

Short and long pitches are great by the way. Like the cover too and found it very amusing that one of your earlier commentators had thought that the Sagrada Famiglia in Barcelona was in fact the Mormon temple in Utah!

But overall, this is very impressive and you’ve done a great job. I think that work of this quality should do very well here on Autho. Well done. The very best of luck and highly starred. Watchlisted and highly starred.

i really like your pitches- youve captured just the right amount of information to tell us; not too little and not too much. i also really like your voice. you seem to have shown us who your character is and i love that. i dont question whether or not he would actually do whatever particular action, because you seem to know exactly who your main character is. the only crit i could really suggest to you is that maybe you could cut down on some of your larger paragraphs. at times there just seemed to be too much information being forced into one paragraph. other than that, i liked the read. especially how you ended chapter one. good hook.

hoping to hear your feedback on Gut Instincts,
melissa :)

Richard - only time for the first chapter today, the rest of your chapters will be read soon. About 90% of reads on here I find to be a chore, but not this. Very heart-rending stuff, and so well put together. I think we're all sympathising with Jack and his history, and that makes me want to see how he gets on. I'm going to start a forum thread about this, even though I've only read one chapter thus far. This deserves some publicity.

Your words are much appreciated Whoster. I think I've spent as much time editing the book as I have writing it, but it's all done now and I will add more chapters shortly. All publicity greatly received :)

Richard - only time for the first chapter today, the rest of your chapters will be read soon. About 90% of reads on here I find to be a chore, but not this. Very heart-rending stuff, and so well put together. I think we're all sympathising with Jack and his history, and that makes me want to see how he gets on. I'm going to start a forum thread about this, even though I've only read one chapter thus far. This deserves some publicity.

Chap4

I can't help but keep reading this brilliant exposition of modern life. It is deeply philosophical and at the same time has such skillful writing. The journey around Barcelona brings out the sightseeing attractions and paints the city in colourful hues, while at the same time never letting the town take over or deter the MC (and reader) from 'the mission'.

Again, you refer to film and media as part of life which has an intergral and important input into how we experience the world at large. There are many gems here, and the Quint-text seems the strongest leader. Having 'jaws' as his favourite film made me laugh out loud. And I smiled at Rose's txt message in the draft's.

I particularly liked the mention of nobody talking to him. In just a couple of sentences you highlight today's plight which so many lonely people share : unless there is an attachment to a group or some friends, the busy world around will completely ignore a person and marginalise his existence. And being alone amongst a crowd is worse than being on your own.

The paragraph with the football shirts was a nice touch, bringing out how a barrage of advertising spoils the original cloth of life.

I'm amazed and slightly dismayed at your book's position in the charts, as this story should be rated highly! But where is justice when you need some? Hiding under a designer shirt somewhere. I have given it 6 stars and that's not a common occurrence.

Ame

hi Vic,

to return the favour of your comment I had a quick look and was immediately drawn into your story. Your writing creates a true sense of immediacy and every sentence is convincing and believable. Descriptions shine with originality and are enhanced by spot-on adjectives and humorous comparisons. Yet, the story-line always keeps a serious undertone and takes the reader into a mind stirred by tumult, edginess and doubts.
Still, the MC's love for life remains and peeps through the dark intentions. It is not difficult to imagine that this man will find another reason to live. He's got so much going for him, - a vivid sense of observation, a love for music, a wish to find love and happiness.
Your book depicts modern culture and has one advantage over other books - it isn't tacky and doesn't stoop to any levels of cheapness or compromise, meaning the moral standards of this MC show a real nice human being who has had enough of the general level of boredom, carelessness and sickness in the world around him.
Favourite bits : Rocky Balboas's comments. The choice of names being Jack and Rose as brother and sister, the 'virginity' card, the comparison of a coronary to his dish-washer and the bit about the metal detector.
The wish that the plane might crash was a stroke of genius and a very real sensation in the quest to commit suicide.
I particularly enjoyed the way you tackled the passage of time which is strictly adhered to in the first three chapters I read. This is difficult to do while at the same time driving the plot and inner dialogue forward. A brilliant read so far. The book will be on my shelf shortly. Best wishes with this. Ame

I really liked the voice in your story. So many books come off a little dry in the area but it really makes the character more believable. Since the main character is the central focus of the book, I think you've done a great job of making Jack someone the reader can get behind. I love the references to different companies and places, his thoughts and beliefs, and the reasons behind them.
There are so many things that is good about this book. I am going to add it to my watchlist.

Maybe, if you have the time, you would not mind taking a look at my novel, The Girl Who Struck The Wall.
Sincerely, Constance Scott aka Embodiment

Thanks for your kind words Constance. I'll take a look at your book. Cheers Rich

I really liked the voice in your story. So many books come off a little dry in the area but it really makes the character more believable. Since the main character is the central focus of the book, I think you've done a great job of making Jack someone the reader can get behind. I love the references to different companies and places, his thoughts and beliefs, and the reasons behind them.
There are so many things that is good about this book. I am going to add it to my watchlist.

Maybe, if you have the time, you would not mind taking a look at my novel, The Girl Who Struck The Wall.
Sincerely, Constance Scott aka Embodiment

Thanks for getting the chapters back in, I read them and six stars plus a backing!
I look forward to you doing well with this book.

l like your- it is honest, yet realistic...brilliant and easy to read narrative...6 stars******
on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

I was reading more of your book and felt I needed to stop and let you know that chapter 16,17 & 18 are duplicated. It picks back up again in 19, but it seems I have missed two chapters of a critical part of the story - how he gets out of jail, etc. But I am going to read on, let me know when you get the missing chapters back in.
Lynn

Thanks for your comments Lynn. Glad you're enjoying the story. I'll take a look at sorting out the missing chapters. thanks.

I was reading more of your book and felt I needed to stop and let you know that chapter 16,17 & 18 are duplicated. It picks back up again in 19, but it seems I have missed two chapters of a critical part of the story - how he gets out of jail, etc. But I am going to read on, let me know when you get the missing chapters back in.
Lynn

Richard-
I wanted to let you know I have been reading your book and I think it's a great story. I was caught into it from the first chapter and found it carried me to where I couldn't wait to see what was happening next.
I have been on Christmas holiday vaction and will finish reading it when I get back home. I wanted to comment now because I have taken so long to get a comment out. I will add more later.
There are a few minor typos, but nothing you won't pick up on if you scan it real close.
I like how you get the reader to really "feel" Jack's thoughts and his disconnect with life and then how we get caught up in the slight chance there may be a glimmer of hope again. Good story telling.
One odd comment I can't help but mention - as an American, at first glance I thought the picture on your book was the Mormon temple in Utah, and immediatly I passed it up. No disrespect for Mormonism, I am not a Morman and was not interested, at this time, in reading a Mormon story. Much later I happened to read the caption of what it was about and realized that was a picture from Barcelona.
Have a great Christmas Season!
Lynn - "The Chair"