Family Pictures

Hi Deborah, simply enjoying your journey. :-)

jim

Deborah,
Thoroughly enjoyed reading the first few chapters. I like the way Jack doesn't reveal much about himself in the opening chapter - I wanted to read on to find out what Molly's reaction would be when she realised who he was. Well written (I noticed a little repetition here and there, such as use of the word 'crowd' twice in one small paragraph in Ch 1) and POV changes, but apart from these small issues I think you have an interesting premise, well executed and I like the way the characters are developing.
A lovely, light, enjoyable read.
Melissa,
Lessons in the Dark

Hi Deborah

Will definitively have a nose through this as I have a few spaces on my book shelf and WL. Would you be so kind as to have a quick look at my book - The List. Feel free to leave a comment.
ta very much.

David J Baron

Hi Deborah,

A RWCG critique:

I've read all 12 chapters posted. Overall, I thought it was a fun, sweet story with a fantastic premise.

Cover/Title/Pitch:
Great job with these. Cover encompasses the story and tells the reader the genre. Title is distinct and specific to the story. Description clearly lays out your premise and gives a spark of excitement.

Story Opening:
Overall, the first chapter is a good start. Romance is setup nicely . Just a couple nit-picky things:
- Unless the setting is a character, I'm not a fan of starting a novel with setting. The strength of this story is the connection between Molly and Jack, so I would suggest starting there instead. Consider taking out the first two paragraphs and starting with "Is this seat taken?" That's when the actual story starts.
- I felt confused when Jack tells Molly that she reminds him of her mother. I initially interpreted that to mean that Molly was significantly older than Jack. Then when I discovered that was not the case, I was thinking that, at that age, as a young, vibrant woman, I would have been offended if someone said that to me, because I wouldn't have felt at all mother-like. Also, I'd be thinking - don't get involved with this one, he has "mommy issues". In other words, it just doesn't scream romantic potential to me. May just be me.

Plot/Pacing/Conflict:
- Plot is clear and easy to follow. Good balance of ups and downs throughout.
- Story flows well from scene to scene. Reader never feels like they've missed something
- Pacing is fast, perhaps a little too fast. Though I'm a bit torn on this. Since the premise is so simple/focused (which is not a bad thing) I'm not sure how you'll be able to keep up the tension at that speed. That being said, the nature of Jack's character - a rock star - does imply fast, as does the "love-at-first sight" thing. I think I would need to read more and see how you handle the relationship progression before I choose a side. Although I don't have any clear suggestion here, I've included my brain dump in case you might find something in there helpful.
- Central conflict is fabulous, making the "will they/won't they" question very strong. Consider adding in some external-to-the-couple conflicts down the line - like maybe Jack's fans hate Molly and send her hate mail and throw stuff or spit at her in public or something.
- Currently, Jack's a bit too good to be true. Consider giving him some internal conflict. Perhaps something like an OCD life/work balance issue - now that his music is flowing again he becomes a workaholic and can't seem to tear himself away from it until Molly forces him to, then perhaps once he's with her again, he can't tear himself away and his music suffers. Then his band mates come for him and round and round we go... Or perhaps he (or a family member) runs a background check on Molly and isn't happy with the findings (may be mistaken identity or not). Is Jack willing to overlook that and continue on without family, or band mate approval?

Voice/Writing Style:
- Writing style is clear and easy to read. Writing flows well from scene to scene.
- Voice is sweet and light. Until the vibrator and sex scenes, I was initially thinking this was a YA Romance. May just be me but the two things don't feel like they mesh. What is your intention for the story? Is it for adults - then consider making the story a little less sweet (like taking out the Virgin characteristic, and the best of initial intentions part). Or is it YA - then consider toning down the sex bits, perhaps instead of a vibrator, she could "pleasure herself". Sex scenes are fairly tame as is, might just need a little tweaking to allow for more reader imagination.

Setting:
- I had trouble buying that a young, single resident of a small town, and a business owner at that, wouldn't know exactly what a celebrity visitor looked like before he/she got to town. Small town residents are bored. Business owners are always looking for publicity. Consider making the town considerably larger (at least 100,000 people with frequent and numerous visiting entertainers) or give the reader a reason why Molly is too busy to know who Jack is.
- aside from the concert, setting is the least important part of this story, and I like that you delved out setting description accordingly. Excellent balance here.

Character:
- Molly is well done
- Jack feels too good to be true. See previous comments about him - does he need to be a virgin? Why does he keep coming back for more? Why is he always the first to apologize, even when her behaviour was far more outrageous? Hard to buy for a two-day relationship. What obstacle (of his own) does he need to overcome in order to commit to Molly?
- Jess is currently walking the line between major and minor character. If she's a major character, consider making her a bit more 3D - i.e. give her personality, conflict, and motivation. If she's a minor character, consider reducing her role a bit more.
- backstory is well done
- consider including an antagonist. Story premise is strong so you may be able to get by without one, but I would suggest at least brainstorming it. Perhaps this is where Jess could come in, maybe she's a relationship saboteur? Or perhaps the president of Jack's fan club is coming to get Molly...

Dialogue:
- words spoken felt natural
- good balance of dialogue to narrative
- consider taking out some of the dialogue tags

I hope there's something useful in here for you. Best of luck with this story.

Marcie

Two chapters in and I think Molly is a sweetie. You give us enough detail to know your main characters, but not so much that we get bored. Your narrative moves unselfconsciously along, nicely detailed and full of gentle reality and well observed humour. I like that. I like the fact that Molly believes in luck brought by rainbows. I like that Jack is really a softie. This is a good read. I think I would like to take my time with it. Rated.

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-)

Hi Deb
The first novel I wrote was called Forever Love, but I changed it to Undying Love. The title grabbed me, so I thought I'd take a peek. I liked the blurb of this one better, though.
I'm really liking this. I don't think I've come across a romance that I'd like to take to bed and turn the pages in ages. Just read a couple of chapters for now, but I'll put it on the shelf and drift back sometime.
Yep! It's a goodun!

Most certainly loving this! It already has a casual flow and great character interaction. I can not wait to see how you build on this!

Thank you. - Deb
Family Pictures & Forever Love

Most certainly loving this! It already has a casual flow and great character interaction. I can not wait to see how you build on this!

Family Pictures

Cover – Beautiful and says everything about this story in 1 picture

Short Pitch – Very nice, def has my attention

Long Pitch – Nice, both main characters are introduced, bit of history and shows promise of romance and kinks in the road, Yeah I want to read this based on that alone. I would however break it up into paragraphs a bit more.

Chapter 1 – A few little typos – he smiled at her – should be He. She held out her hand to him – should be a full stop. Jack tried no to stare at her – should be not. My band – should be a full stop. Ok there are a few more, watch where you use smiled, chuckled because these are not speech tags, so don’t use commas.

Lovely first chapter, typos aside, what a way to meet the perfect guy and lets face it that’s what he is but there is a down to earth quality about him, a likeablity factor that he’s not a normal rock star, he’s a sensitive soul. He’s already left an imprint on me.

Chapter 2 – Very nice, good idea to give us both points of view, switches are clear and change in a good appropriate time. Her phobia of tattoos is unusual but gives you the drama that you need to make this romance work. I love the human nature part, the way she looks at his butt, the way the girls beg for his jacket and also the way Jess tries to advise him, without telling him why.

Few grammar points, watch the smiled again, but v well written.

Chapter 3 – Moves very fast, easy to read and she gives a good explanation without portraying herself as a victim. She is traumatised by the tattoos, and he understands, but the one thing that strikes me is that she’s reaming off why, a bit like a rehearsed speech. Maybe that’s what you are aiming for.

Chapter 4 – I like that he stands up and fights for his right to have the tattoos. Too many times people say they are wrong, and brand people who have them, but Jack is right, sometimes a person will get one for someone to remind them of a person or a time. The desire between the two, consenting adults is obvious and wow what a hook LOL – No I won’t give it away, people should read !

Chapter 5 – Love the way she beats herself up, and thinking about it the emotion between them has twisted 180 degrees from the start of the night, v nice in the terms of plot and character development and you are certainly driving a wedge into the stereotypical rocker! Loving his positivity as well

Chapter 6 – WOW ... only one word for this chapter

Deb I am hooked on this, great characters, there is desire, angst, issues, love, romance with a modern twist ... it has so much. I do wish there was more.

This is a well written piece, ok there are a few typos and a few bits of grammar to sort out but do not let that detract from what is a wonderful story. It’s a pleasure to read.

Good job. I like the way you introduce us to the main characters, letting them get acquainted as they would in real life. And their conversation is so natural. Again, good job. I'm adding it to my bookshelf and giving it a bunch of stars. Could I ask you to take a look at my book? I'd appreciate any comments. Thanks.
Barbara Jurgensen The Lillehaugen Sting

Thanks so much for your comments. I only uploaded Family Pictures within the last hour. I will gladly take a look at your work.
Deb - Family Pictures & Forever Love

Good job. I like the way you introduce us to the main characters, letting them get acquainted as they would in real life. And their conversation is so natural. Again, good job. I'm adding it to my bookshelf and giving it a bunch of stars. Could I ask you to take a look at my book? I'd appreciate any comments. Thanks.
Barbara Jurgensen The Lillehaugen Sting