The Blue Flamingo

God this is so tense and creepy and packed with as many undesirables as you could hope to pack into a seedy club. I was attracted by the name Blue Flamingo... great name. Then we have the awful pretentious Chris... the touch of his changing his name to Valeccine is a great touch as are the too tight jeans. Yes, I reckon he buys em that way. As for cowboy boots and Finn... well we've definitely gone all out to get a nice paranoid atmosphere going. I wish Matt luck in getting out of this in one piece.

Backed Blue Flamingo. I asked my friends CC Brown to recommend a fast- paced, action crime story. They suggested Blue Flamingo. Great beginning with the tense scene between Matt, Christian, and “Mr. Mystery.” Good description of the computer scene also. Read, liked the three chapters you have posted, star rated, and backed. Hope you will find a place on your shelf for CC's book, Dark Side.
RickieBill

I've picked out your work-in-progress deliberately as there's such a strong premise here. I already know how well you write, and that there's a fair body of work behind you, so taking a peek at a new project is intriguing. You flesh out the detail of the seedy underbelly of society so well. I know the nature of the places you're describing, can see the settings perfectly in your descriptions. This has immense potential, Debbie. Proceed with urgency, I'm loving it. Stars in profusion and a slot on my shelf, albeit a somewhat dubious honour at present. Must get out more!
Jake.

This gave me goosebumps ... wow, you tell a good story. Is there anymore??

Funnily enough I could see myself in Matt so first hurdle over ... identification with the MC ... has to be good. And Christian pissed me off along with the mysterious Carl ... quite enjoyed the descriptive narrative in the church with Kit and the visit of Finn ... he sounds like a nasty piece of work. I fell in love with Louise .. so you have me, completely!

Let me know if you upload anymore. In the queue for my shelf.

Mick

You write good books, but your book-covers are poor. They are important, and deserve some effort.

Debbie,
The Blue Flamingo, conjures up a vivid impression and the story lives upto it. This is just my type of read. Love the intrigue, twists in the plot and the assembled cast. You drip in so many hooks, mystery about Matt's past, the strange business arrangement between Chris and Carl and then the shock of the image of Kit...and that's just the first chapter. Great realistic dialogue, and atmosphere, and a cracking no nonsense pace. I read to the end of ch3 and I'm hoping, judging by the age of the last comment that this was published long ago...if not the worlds gone mad.
Thank you for sharing a great read
Babs

as always straight into the action. Good stuff. Backed

Terrible book-cover, and if I didn't know from your other books how good a writer you are, I would not back it because of an insufficient sample loaded. As it is, I think it's high time you had all your books published, sitting pretty in a bookshop, each with its own PROFESSIONALLY designed book-cover. So backed. Marj.

WOW - you really know how to draw the reader into your story - so full of different themes here and what a great gift you have for charaterizations! So very good! BACKED and want to return later for more!

Liz
The Cheech Room

I really enjoyed this. Very well written and easy to read.

Not sure about the bit about fiddling around with computers - I think it could be shorter, but others may disagree.

Backed with pleasure.

Aha, someone who knows how to pull in the reader. Debbie, although this is a WIP, this opening chapter is great. A really good read. I want to read the whole book now. Shelved. R

Good start … I’m intrigued. Watch your pronouns in the paragraph starting “He wants to what?”
Oh, I like Matt, consider Christian a fool and Carl is just plain downright creepy. Well done.
(All systems are functioning normally ... oh yes, I also remember Zen.) Backed and I will read more.

D.J. seedy and nasty and written in a no-nonsense style. Shelved. Lynn

The Blue Flamingo is a very fast-paced and well-written story with a hook at the end of C1 that made the hairs on the back of my neck bristle. Matt seems to have all the characteristics of a strong main character, and your dialogue comes over as natural and convincing. On the downside, C1 seemed very long, and you might want to think about splitting it to draw the reader into the start of the book more easily. In a similar vein you have some very long and complex sentences that break the narrative flow and could do with simplifying [eg C1 'at nine thirty...', and 'and Christian wasn't...']. These are small issues, easily fixed I think, so backed.

DJ, read all 3 chapters.. after a slow, somewhat unsteady beginning, the story really crackles. scary, filled with dread.. it would be good if you could get around the incredible coincidence of "Jo" being on the tape that Louise delivers and that Matt somehow wants to play and have her see. someway of making it connect logically rather than coincidentally.. However, the story is interesting and draws the reader in, very tense atmosphere.. Has the makings of a terrific suspense novel.... evan

Very good pitch, but your opening sentenses are bland. Parking a car - big deal. Now, if you say, he took his time over parking, putting on the handbreak etc to give himself time to think, it would be more powerful.

This takes off when Christian talks about Her Majesty's holiday camp. The the reader knows that something sinister is going on. The scene with Carl is tense and well written.

You keep refering to Chris as 'the man' which jars. Eithr call him Chris or him/he.

You tantalise the reader with the telephone number - good. Then it gets frightening. You can feel Matt's shock. Excellent cliff hanger ending to Ch1.

One other thing. I'd advise you to get an original cover for your book to make it stand out from the crowd. Lots of books on this site have the same cover as the one you've chosen and it makes them melt into the background.
You submittedn this book in November. I would have thought it would have done much better than this.

On my Watch List.

Joanna

God this is so tense and creepy and packed with as many undesirables as you could hope to pack into a seedy club. I was attracted by the name Blue Flamingo... great name. Then we have the awful pretentious Chris... the touch of his changing his name to Valeccine is a great touch as are the too tight jeans. Yes, I reckon he buys em that way. As for cowboy boots and Finn... well we've definitely gone all out to get a nice paranoid atmosphere going. I wish Matt luck in getting out of this in one piece.

Comments on Chapter 1...

Impressive work, especially the characterisation. Dialogue didn't trip me up, so it must have been natural. The cliff-hanger is great. The only suggestion I have would be to prune/trim as much as you can prior to the meeting with Mr Mystery. It's not excessively flabby, but compares disfavourably with the remainder of the chapter, particularly the sequence on the computer.

Chapter 2...

Now you're into stride. Gripping. I forgot about looking for wrong shit, just went along with the story. Nice finish again. Just one observation: I don't feel I know enough about Matt. Not about him as a character, but about his background. I can't quite work out what he is, other than the manager at the club? How did he get the computer knowledge? Was it purely from tinkering around? Or has he studied computer science? Is he a hard guy, or purely a good manager/computer nerd?

Chapter 3...

Whoa. Crisp character building, with just enough backstory thrown in to give us a hint of the person behind the present Louise. Again, a great ending, but this time it is the end. It's hard to believe this is one of your "lesser" works, but perhaps the fact it's a wip is the only reason for this.

More than happy to give it a run on my shelf.

Regards,

TomW

Wish you'd posted more chapters, because I was just getting into the story when I had to stop. I think plotting is one of your great strengths. I found Blue Flamingo a little slow to start, though that might have been me, because I've got a lot of distractions at present. I wasn't really engaged during the motorway service station scenes, but once you got Matt into the derelict church, the story took off and I found myself caring what happened to him. I especially liked the way you brought Louise into the story - it's obvious it is going to be an engaging and complex plot. I haven't read your earlier books yet, but I can see why you're regarded as one of the strongest writers on Authonomy, and I have no hesitation in shelving this.

Hi Debbie.

Just read chapter 1 and I'm quite impressed. It reads really well and held me from start to end.

Nitpicks: not much. There's a typo or two and you could probably tighten up a tad, and I noticed a few minor cliche's, but based on what I've seen so far, very publishable. I'd reconsider the specific computer terminology you use, such as the config.sys file etc. It's the sort of thing that dates very quickly. I don't even know if config.sys is used much these days. More likely to be a change to the Registry, but that could be outdated just as quick. I'd suggest you use general terms instead.

Overall, I'm quite impressed and will bookshelf. I'm looking forward to Chapter 2 when I find the time.

Cheers
Chris

Hi Debbie. Had a chance to sample this now. Phew. You're my first authonomy read in what seems like ages, so I feel kind of rusty at this. Still, for what it's worth this reads pretty nicely, very accessible and with well sketched characters - and a sprinkling of Doctor Who references in the latter stages of Chapter 1. Points for that, obviously. I'm not seeing any major gripes, there are a few areas where you could safely economise - it's not a wham bam start, but I'm fine with steadier paced beginnings, so when I say this it's less about pace, more about the smoothness of the read. As a for instance, the sentence, 'He watched Christian's arse climb the stairs to the footbridge over the motorway.' Feels like it has one too many clauses - i.e. 'over the motorway' - in some effort to give the reader the whole picture in one sentence. And it feels like it's working too hard, out of keeping with the majority of your prose here. Especially as not too long after, we're treated to a picture of the footbridge and its situation, reference to the traffic whizzing by below on the motorway. Also, as sufficiently dramatic as the chapter end is, I felt it could do with breaking down. '...the composition of the photo on the screen. In it, Kit was lying stark naked...' etc, delivered as a series of beats, rather than all in the one sentence. A few similar bits of grooming/trimming in Chapter 2, but the main thing that stood out here was the phrase 'Alt Q'd about the keyboard' - it's possible my brain's not in properly, but that confused me. Presumably that's the action that's switching the cameras, but something like 'hit Alt Q a few times, switching cameras' I felt would be clearer. Anyway, hope that helps. Basically, in summary: intriguing and well observed, could just use a bit of a trim. But you do note this as a work in progress, so in all probability my comments will come as no surprise, I just hope they're of some use even so!

Debbie,

I like this story. The scenes are set well and the characters all have something mysterious about them. Your style gave me the feel of the TV series Hotel Babylon, albeit with a sinister twist. As you state in the pitch, this is a work in progress, and at times I can tell that. Not because the writing is bad. Just because I feel there is a bit too much of it. At points, I found myself skipping to the end of paragraphs because I'd already guessed what you were going to say. The other words felt redundant, like padding. There was one point at the beginning when you started with: Scrambling out of the car, Matt followed Christian etc . . . Don't think scrambling is the right word to use here. It makes me think of desperation, and he doesn't seem that desperate so early on.

Overall I see a lot of potential in this novel. I think once you have completed it and had time to edit it a few times it will be one to watch. When you upload an updated version I'd love to take another look, and I'm sure by then I won't be able to resist putting it on my shelf.

Good work, keep at it,

Steve ;>

Hi Debbie

Thought I'd go straight on and read yours. Here's the good news: it's easy to read and felt commercial. I think I enjoyed the first chapter, but was left felling a bit flat instead of keen to turn the page.

Here's my guess. You wrote the second 1/2 of chapter 1 first and later added the motorway ss scene. Why? because I have a heap of comments on the latter and hardly any on the second 1/2.

Generally, I think you need to be careful who "he" is. Matt is almost treated like 1st person, but as the reader I would have preferred to know that it was Matt you were telling me about (examples to follow). I was also unsure about why there was any need for such a clandestine meeting. I know you want Matt to get the phone number, but it was a long winded way of getting it.

OK here are the opinion's of the Windsor jury:
* The service station scene is nicely set up and atnmospheric. Good job. Would it really be so desolate at 9.30 though?

* "He watched Christian's arse" - I would have liked to know it was Matt doing the watching. Obvious to you, but I've only just been introduced to the characters.

* "put on a few stone." - stone(s), maybe. Pounds more likely.

* "probably the latter. Since..." - change to "probably the latter, since..."

* "a pretentious slob if such a thing existed." - I love the phrase why provide it and then doubt it?

* "Christian was out of his league." - Suspect you mean Matt but it could be Mr Mysterious.

* " 'If you sell up.' He had to ask" - possibly change full stop to comma.

* "He was watching them quite openly and Matt shivered ." - why shouldn't someone be looking at them and why would it make Matt shiver?

* "Mr Mystery" - earlier you call him Mr Mysterious. I know this is now Christian talking but I'd recommedn consistency.

* "shaking back lank blond hair." - seems clunky. How about: and tossed back his lank blond hair. Then again rethinking it I wonder whether any of the sentence is needed.

* Cowboy Boots is following but "herding" them. Mmm - could he? He just sits goes and sits in the cafeteria with his back to them. It doesn't feel like herding.

* "Matt laid a hand on his arm." - what effect dies it have? How about "... but Matt laid a hand on his arm to stop him."

* " 'I hope so,' was all the man said." - I think this is Christian talking not "the man."

* "Did you?" Silence. "How old are you?" - My style would be to put each sentence on a separate line to add impact to the silence.

* "And you? he wanted to ask. - change he to Matt.

* "He felt Christian tense next to him." - ditto

* "Chris was scared shitless" - I think it's OK to call him Chris in conversation, but throwing in the nickname here, as the narrator's voice, doesn't feel right.

* He stood up." - Who? Cowboy Boots?

* "Matt and Christian watched as the two men left." - Is there someone else? I suspect this should be CB.

* "Ymodem Dowload" - I trust you I am surprised Ymodem would be stated.

* Does the file take the name from Kit to Caterina? If I saw a file called Caterina I wouldn't realise it referred to Kit until I saw the photo. Maybe Matt knows something I don't?

* Kit - could be Christian's nickname. Very similar buit maybe that's intended. If not consider changing Christian's name (aggh how dare I suggest such a thing? Names always feel so sacred!).

* Very long penultimate sentence. How about simplifying and splitting it: ...lying naked on a dirty mattress. He was on his front, hands tied behind his back.

* Nice impactful ending, but why would it be shocking that Kit was looking into the camera? Again maybe Matt expects Kit to be like this but dead.

Phew! I hope this helps. I've done my best but you are, of course, free to ignore my views. Your style is your style.

Looking forward (with trepidation) to your comments on mine.

Best wishes. Murray

Hey Debbie, at your request I've read a little of your latest offering. Its a nice easy feel and the plot seems interesting. You have such talent at writing, and it even shows in early drafts. I assume this is an early draft, so forgive me if I spend more time on nitpicks than plot-review or praise. Both of the latter are givens, with your talent. I hope to be as good as you someday.

--control the passive verbs (had been, etc)

--not sure if this is omniscient POV or matt's personal POV? the wording seems distant, but some of the observations within the narrative would only be Matt's observations

--gotten a little lost among who 'this man' is sometimes. In some places, it refers to Christian. In others, to Christian's business partner that wants to buy Christian out?

--Christian's voice took on a hard edge Matt hadn't seen before, but then Matt and Christian had gone through variations of this scene a thousand times before... those two statements dont fit when talking about the same exchange

--need more descriptions of each character, then use those descriptions when attributing thoughts and dialogue to them if you're not going to use their name. 'he said' or 'the man said' isn't enough to tell the difference

--I don't understand how Matt gets 'sold' with the business. makes no sense to me.

--you start telling a lot of stuff after it happens, instead of while it is happening. (how christian got drunk that night after talking to Carl). not as fun to read that way.

--I don't get why Matt is using an old computer here, you need to explain it I think. I spent several sentence wondering why such a guru would waste his time on such a piece of crap

--oooh, quite the ending to the Chapter. Gotta read on now. I just wished it would have been pacier up to this point, but you gotta set the stage too. Interesting.

Can't stay any longer, but I hope this feedback on Chap 1 helps. I love your writing style - you really know what you're doing Debbie. You know this one needs a good scrub to get to the level of Hamelin's Child. That one was brilliant.

Good luck!
Dave

Debbie--
You're a terrible tease. :) Only three chapters?
This is excellent crime/suspense writing--out-of-the box polished and engaging. I'm taking lessons on how you establish characterizations and drama in so few words. And I'm in love with London, so I was easy meat from the start.
To show there's no hard feelings for your stringing us along like that, I'm backing your book. I have a sneaking suspicion I'd back any and all of your work on spec, but I'd never deprive myself the enjoyment of reading it!
Thanks,
Jason

Hi Debbie,
I think this has great potential, and I’m happy to put it on my shelf – apologies if it’s a short visit – I have a lot of reading to do. Your writing is crisp, polished, and professional so please take the couple of points I’ve made in that context.
Let me start with the beginning. I think you do a great job of getting us right to the story without any of the commonly found extraneous material.

I like the flow of your prose with its sharp, slightly colloquial edge, and the dialogue is natural and fluid. I like the way you manage little tricks to elaborate on two characters at once, like the discussion of Christian’s name.

I enjoyed the initial meeting with Carl – the wisecrack asides work by and large although sometimes, such as “This Carl was way ahead of Christian in the IQ…” they felt like they got in the way of the flow of the meeting.

Once the meeting was over the pace felt like it eased off just a little too much for an opening chapter. I agree it’s really important to maintain rhythm in prose, especially in a thriller – without the downs the ups are much less effective. But there was just a hint of flatness in the prose – I think because you seemed to be sliding form a subjective POV into a more removed one - “Matt didn’t get the chance to…” – this removes us from Matt’s POV; we’re no longer right inside how he sees things – and as a result we want to get back there – I wonder, if you are going to slip between POVs like this (and it’s a technique that does work really well in thrillers to keep things nicely mixed up), you would be best to put a chapter break in here.

Very best wishes
Dan

Hi Debbie
Oh, good, another of yours for me to look at. I am a fan of your writing, but find it hard to love fantasy so I was pleased to see this arrive and, having read chapter one, am gripped. Will have to read on to find out what's happened to Kit but must force myself to go out right now.

Tiny, minor nit picks – don't think you need friendly and bantering for Christian's tone of voice; 'renewed vigour' is a cliché.

Am shelving this so I remember exactly where it is to return to later.
K