Sit, Stay, Leave!

As a dog lover your book is right up my street, I JUST LOVE IT! Karen x

Read six chapters so far and if it wasn't past my bedtime I'd read the other five. This really appeals to me. It's about a mother dealing with all the typical struggles of motherhood, but she's also a woman trying to save a career and cope with an ex-husband. Elvis' arrival brings moments of domestic chaos, fun, endearment and the dog training tips and quotes are well handled to set the tone for the chapter.

The comparison of Maeve to the terrier was very effective and I imagined her visit would just bring more problems for Rachel, but when she arrived at the end of chapter six I immediately liked her.

There are lots of fun moments in the story and overall it has a light tone but it also carries some more serious issues, especially with the issues Rachel worries her children are facing. This feels to me like it sits very firmly in women's fiction and should have a lot of appeal to that market.

Dear Sarah

I think this book deserves a bit of a shake up! It is great fun, realistic without being heavy and brimming everyday humour that we can all identify with. There is something here for almost every woman: job going sour? kids acting up? New pet needs house-trained? Mother being unhelpful? colleague with strange taste in sweets? This is the book for you!

You might consider formatting this in a sans serif font, like Ariel or Tahoma, which are easy on the eye....other than that, nothing to suggest! Please keep writing!

Fran :-))

This is a funny and appealing story! The family relationships and characters are quickly and deftly established. Rachel is a sympathetic single mother trying her best but not always getting it right. Her tribulations at work are amusing - in fact I'm surprised this isn't tagged as comedy as well as fiction. The dialogue is very slick and demonstrates great comic observation and awareness.
My only query would be pov. I noticed Bella's pov crept in in Chapter 2. I like Rachel and feel I want to stay with her as a reader.
Best,
Kate

Your blurb caught my attention and I stopped by for a quick read. Before I knew it I was half way through all that's here. I really enjoyed it. I will come back to read more and I have put it on my shelf.

The chicken that Rachel was slicing, had no mention until she put it down. I assume two hands are required for this. To me it just seemed gappy. Maybe poking at the chicken with the knife whilst on the phone would be good prelude to slicing.

It was for only one night! Of course it is! I am hooked on SIT, STAY, LEAVE. Terrific opening chapter. I will put it on my WL and read on, fully expect to shelve tomorrow. Love it.

Itsy bitsy typos: His was face fresher above - two words out of order, second para after ***. Then after Nick sounds smug you need a paragraph break for Rachel's reply.After the phonr call: how was ever going to (how was SHE, word missing).

But GREAT characters and pace, no sentimentality (always a danger with dogs), just totally engaging. Good luck! Six stars!

SIT, STAY, LEAVE
This is a good story. You’ve created good characters for this. Rachael is instantly likable because of the way her husband left her for a woman half her age. I liked the way she bought the story that Elvis was only there for one night; anyone who’s ever owned a puppy knows once they’ve stolen your heart, they’re there to stay. Dialogue is one of your writing strengths; it’s crisp and clear helps differentiate your characters. I’m adding this to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

have added to wl and rated will back asap. Sue 'it's a dogs life'

Really, really like this. Makes a lovely change to read something so dialogue driven. The only thing I'd mention is the changes in POV. 90% of the POV in chpt 1 is Rachel's; however, a tad of Lara's, Joe's and even Nick's creeps in here and there. i.e. Nick left a silence for Rachel to fill (Nick's POV) should be something like 'Rachel noticed the silence he had, presumably, left her to fill'. And when Joe breathes on Rachel to prove his innocence in re booze, you say 'he knew the ropes' and that sounds deffo like Joe's POV. Blah, blah, blah - wouldn't listen to a word I say! That old knackers out of the way: yr work is v. funny, v. believable, has excellent depiction of modern family life esp. in Camden (I only live down Caledonian Road!) Will bung this on my shelf now. Triff.

i read the first four chapters as is my usual, i like this much, will rate it well, place it on the watch list, perhaps back it in a few, this is one place where i think the story blurb helps, it sets up a scenario where we know we will be introduced to domestic chaos and then see how with the help of a dog and a pet training manual how this chaos is brought to heel, the story seems to be headed towards this direction, delightfully and in an adult way, told mostly from the MC point of view, advanced well with dialogue, sometimes i was thrown by a change of perspective here and there, and perhaps by the wording, and maybe some ot this was my americaness, being use to a more "bullet type" presentation (haha), but it was all and all effective, and i wanted to read on, really one of the best things one can say about a piece, best wishes

Oh and I thought a jolly good title and the cover is ace!

I've somehow found myself sucked into the doggy genre - and I'm not even that keen on dogs - but this gets off to good start - I like the pace, the dialogue and would like to read more so WL for now - if you would care to have a quick look at mine....

Dear Sarah

My heart bled for Rachel in chapter 3 - been there, done that! Whether you intend it or not, you have great comic timing in your story about the trials and tribulations of a single mum and her two kids. Embarrassing situations abound, making for a great read. I empathised and I kept reading. Your plotting is good, your characters work well, your pacing is smooth and your dialogue is believable. What is not to like? All the best with this. Rated highly.

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-)

i think youve got a really unique story here. i liked both your pitches- you didnt give too much away or too little. i also think youve got a good balance between description and dialogue. the only crit i would like to point out is that i found the dialogue tags after your characters spoke, to be very distracting. they felt... odd. i dont really know how to explain it. just seemed a little unnatural, but please keep in mind, that is just my personal opinion, others may not agree.

hoping to hear your feedback on Gut Instincts,
melissa :)

p.s. i love the name rachel :) ... my main characters name

Hi Sarah, Very enjoyable. The family conflicts were handled so concretely in dialogue and with good thought material about the kids. It fairly bursts off the page with its real issues, and then Elvis relieves the problems with Nick by his very appearance and his needs. You can tell this story in dialogue which is the mode with a mother and children of those ages. My thought was that the dialogue could be tightened to reel the storyline even more strongly. I have such a strong sense of these people and the pictures of the of the dog make him endearing. Stars and I'll be shelving when space opens - Katherine

Thanks very much Paul, I was very thrilled to get your note and to see you've backed Sit, Stay, Leave!

Have w/l yours and am hoping to get to read it this afternoon. Best, Sarah

I liked this a lot. Beautifully written, very entertaining and a great concept.

Michelle

Thanks so much for your generous comments and helpful suggestions, especially on punctuation. I have a complex history of punctuation and grammar and was looking for somewhere to do a quick revision before I correct. That's great.

Looking forward to reading yours shortly too and will get back to you later

best for now - Sarah

Sarah

Being a cat-person myself, I thought I'd just grin and bear reading your book. But this is so lovely. I love your dialogue, its witty and sharp, and the portrayal of the characters, especially Rachel and her teenage children (love Lara not trying to look fat). It has a Bridget Jones' Diary feel to it (maybe just me ;).

Elvis sounds so cute and I loved your description of him and when he had the hiccups - too adorable!

I jotted down some things you could have a look at. Especially in chap. 2 (3):
...cupcake[,] the crumbs... ->missing comma

...pleased to meet you.' She was now...

Maybe give a short explanation of what the new characters you're introducing do and their connection to Rachel. Scott, Kelly, Bella, Pete, Harry... Finishing the chapter I had some idea who they were but it left me quite confused earlier on.

I'm noticing some errors with you dialogues' punctuation. I have found this website useful: http://www.be-a-better-writer.com/punctuate-dialogue.html

Favourite moments: 'Fuck, fuck, fuck!'
Elvis has the hiccups.
Bella stealing the limelight in the office (and at the meeting) - stupid cow! ;)
The text messages and the smiley face.
Scott - he reminds me of Jack Donaghy's PA in 30 Rock.
The blackjack mouth.

Thanks for a wonderful read!!
6 stars and will back soon.

Regards
Michelle
The Gypsy's Daughter

Sarah

Being a cat-person myself, I thought I'd just grin and bear reading your book. But this is so lovely. I love your dialogue, its witty and sharp, and the portrayal of the characters, especially Rachel and her teenage children (love Lara not trying to look fat). It has a Bridget Jones' Diary feel to it (maybe just me ;).

Elvis sounds so cute and I loved your description of him and when he had the hiccups - too adorable!

I jotted down some things you could have a look at. Especially in chap. 2 (3):
...cupcake[,] the crumbs... ->missing comma

...pleased to meet you.' She was now...

Maybe give a short explanation of what the new characters you're introducing do and their connection to Rachel. Scott, Kelly, Bella, Pete, Harry... Finishing the chapter I had some idea who they were but it left me quite confused earlier on.

I'm noticing some errors with you dialogues' punctuation. I have found this website useful: http://www.be-a-better-writer.com/punctuate-dialogue.html

Favourite moments: 'Fuck, fuck, fuck!'
Elvis has the hiccups.
Bella stealing the limelight in the office (and at the meeting) - stupid cow! ;)
The text messages and the smiley face.
Scott - he reminds me of Jack Donaghy's PA in 30 Rock.
The blackjack mouth.

Thanks for a wonderful read!!
6 stars and will back soon.

Regards
Michelle
The Gypsy's Daughter

I liked this a lot. Beautifully written, very entertaining and a great concept.

This is the second dog story I've read tonight, Sarah, and it really made smile. Elvis is so lovably portrayed - like a miniature fluffly black bear...with hiccups! - that I wanted to pick him up and adopt him myself. The setting of Camden is dear to my heart (I had a stall in that market, as described in chap 3 of my book) and the family characters are vividly portrayed, with an excellent use of dialogue. I had a good old laugh over Geoff, the unreliable N London builder. In my experience, ALL builders are unreliable, lol!

Funny, and very well-written, this gets 5 stars from me - and I'll be back to give it 6 when your next round of edits are completed. Oh, one minor edit you might consider, if no-one else has mentioned it. Your second line might read better as: "Fuck, fuck, fuck!" A drop of water christened her head, reminding her...' And the next para needs a small 'h' for 'he" as in: '..I don't do roofing," he retorted..)

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Millionaires

Sarah,

Before I start, none of what I will put is in any way written in order to get feedback or a reciprocal read from you. I don’t comment to get comments and I always put what I really think – it’s important for me that you know that.

Short Pitch – This works well, snappy and introduces the MC, the concept and an idea of the story arc.

Long Pitch – This is ok two but needs a few minor tweaks. London’s Camden needs Town adding to it – unless you mean the general area at which point I’d add district or borough. I would re-write the last sentence so that it read – “Sit, Stay, Leave is a modern story about discovering who you are, what you want and how best to get it.”

Opinions of course, not criticism.

Chapter One

Like the Jonathan Swift quote – but remember if you get to publishing, even self-publishing, you will need to seek permission to use it.

Opening paragraphs work really well, I am guessing you live or have lived in Camden because you set the scene very well, the hustle-bustle, the sights and smells. Excellent.

The chapter rolls along nicely and I can see and hear Rachael, you give plenty of insight into her character and the dialogue when it comes is well executed and vibrant.

It needs a bit of grammatical tweaking but others have mentioned that so no need to re-iterate it, if you want me to point out the ones I spotted, message me and I will e-mail you a separate line edit of the first chapter.
Would I read on? Yes, most definitely – it’s fun, vibrant, has a Bridget Jones feel to it which is no bad thing and despite it being outside of my preferred genre’s I found myself pulled in and carried along by the effervescent plot, crisp dialogue and well painted scenes.

An easy five stars from me – I will shelves this when I rotate my books in a few weeks or so. I will read further as time permits and post some more commentary as I get deeper into your thoroughly enjoyable book.

Best wishes and good luck

Rob

I love your story already! I found simple grammatical errors, which I began below. Recheck each sentence, because I didn't finish. Your story held my attention, and I like Rachel, and I like the change she is putting forth, while thinking of her comfy shoes for the next day. lol . how that sounds like me! One foot forward, and two steps back. Great job! When you do your edits, let me know. I will reread and help you with it more, if you like.

Thank you for your support of my novel, Jessup and the Teleporter!
Sincerely,
D. S. Hale


needs a comma between Rachel and bus in the first sentence.
You need a comma in the second sentence, or make it into 2 sentences.
needs a comma between black and furiously in the third sentence.
third paragraph, second sentence needs a comma between footbridge and she.
sentence that begins with "I'll show him this self starter....." should be italicized instead of quotation marks to show a thought. Then put a period, and begin a new sentence with Rachel.
need a comma between ambtion and whilst in the same paragraph as the above comment.
sentence with "Rachel's changed appearance but" needs a comma between appearance and but.
sentence with "stunning look, darling, love it." This is two sentences. Then the sentence describing how Rachel reacts to the compliment is another paragraph. "I'm all grown up...." this sentence is a continuation to the new paragraph you just started with Rachel's reaction.
"meeting is starting" needs a period.

Thanks so much - I think I've been a bit sloppy with grammar in my excitement to re-write! thanks very much for taking the time, I shall go through them this afternoon. Yes please, I would like to keep in touch and get you to re-read later - happy of course to do the same for you. I am going to enjoy watching your journey to the ED. best, Coloratura

I love your story already! I found simple grammatical errors, which I began below. Recheck each sentence, because I didn't finish. Your story held my attention, and I like Rachel, and I like the change she is putting forth, while thinking of her comfy shoes for the next day. lol . how that sounds like me! One foot forward, and two steps back. Great job! When you do your edits, let me know. I will reread and help you with it more, if you like.

Thank you for your support of my novel, Jessup and the Teleporter!
Sincerely,
D. S. Hale


needs a comma between Rachel and bus in the first sentence.
You need a comma in the second sentence, or make it into 2 sentences.
needs a comma between black and furiously in the third sentence.
third paragraph, second sentence needs a comma between footbridge and she.
sentence that begins with "I'll show him this self starter....." should be italicized instead of quotation marks to show a thought. Then put a period, and begin a new sentence with Rachel.
need a comma between ambtion and whilst in the same paragraph as the above comment.
sentence with "Rachel's changed appearance but" needs a comma between appearance and but.
sentence with "stunning look, darling, love it." This is two sentences. Then the sentence describing how Rachel reacts to the compliment is another paragraph. "I'm all grown up...." this sentence is a continuation to the new paragraph you just started with Rachel's reaction.
"meeting is starting" needs a period.

I love your story already! I found simple grammatical errors, which I began below. Recheck each sentence, because I didn't finish. Your story held my attention, and I like Rachel, and I like the change she is putting forth, while thinking of her comfy shoes for the next day. lol . how that sounds like me! One foot forward, and two steps back. Great job! When you do your edits, let me know. I will reread and help you with it more, if you like.

Thank you for your support of my novel, Jessup and the Teleporter!
Sincerely,
D. S. Hale


needs a comma between Rachel and bus in the first sentence.
You need a comma in the second sentence, or make it into 2 sentences.
needs a comma between black and furiously in the third sentence.
third paragraph, second sentence needs a comma between footbridge and she.
sentence that begins with "I'll show him this self starter....." should be italicized instead of quotation marks to show a thought. Then put a period, and begin a new sentence with Rachel.
need a comma between ambtion and whilst in the same paragraph as the above comment.
sentence with "Rachel's changed appearance but" needs a comma between appearance and but.
sentence with "stunning look, darling, love it." This is two sentences. Then the sentence describing how Rachel reacts to the compliment is another paragraph. "I'm all grown up...." this sentence is a continuation to the new paragraph you just started with Rachel's reaction.
"meeting is starting" needs a period.

I love your story already! I found simple grammatical errors, which I began below. Recheck each sentence, because I didn't finish. Your story held my attention, and I like Rachel, and I like the change she is putting forth, while thinking of her comfy shoes for the next day. lol . how that sounds like me! One foot forward, and two steps back. Great job! When you do your edits, let me know. I will reread and help you with it more, if you like.

Thank you for your support of my novel, Jessup and the Teleporter!
Sincerely,
D. S. Hale


needs a comma between Rachel and bus in the first sentence.
You need a comma in the second sentence, or make it into 2 sentences.
needs a comma between black and furiously in the third sentence.
third paragraph, second sentence needs a comma between footbridge and she.
sentence that begins with "I'll show him this self starter....." should be italicized instead of quotation marks to show a thought. Then put a period, and begin a new sentence with Rachel.
need a comma between ambtion and whilst in the same paragraph as the above comment.
sentence with "Rachel's changed appearance but" needs a comma between appearance and but.
sentence with "stunning look, darling, love it." This is two sentences. Then the sentence describing how Rachel reacts to the compliment is another paragraph. "I'm all grown up...." this sentence is a continuation to the new paragraph you just started with Rachel's reaction.
"meeting is starting" needs a period.

I love your story already! I found simple grammatical errors, which I began below. Recheck each sentence, because I didn't finish. Your story held my attention, and I like Rachel, and I like the change she is putting forth, while thinking of her comfy shoes for the next day. lol . how that sounds like me! One foot forward, and two steps back. Great job! When you do your edits, let me know. I will reread and help you with it more, if you like.

Thank you for your support of my novel, Jessup and the Teleporter!
Sincerely,
D. S. Hale


needs a comma between Rachel and bus in the first sentence.
You need a comma in the second sentence, or make it into 2 sentences.
needs a comma between black and furiously in the third sentence.
third paragraph, second sentence needs a comma between footbridge and she.
sentence that begins with "I'll show him this self starter....." should be italicized instead of quotation marks to show a thought. Then put a period, and begin a new sentence with Rachel.
need a comma between ambtion and whilst in the same paragraph as the above comment.
sentence with "Rachel's changed appearance but" needs a comma between appearance and but.
sentence with "stunning look, darling, love it." This is two sentences. Then the sentence describing how Rachel reacts to the compliment is another paragraph. "I'm all grown up...." this sentence is a continuation to the new paragraph you just started with Rachel's reaction.
"meeting is starting" needs a period.

Hi Andi

thank you kindly for your words of support, I am grateful for your taking the time to read - especially over the season of good joy and much cooking and eating. So sorry to hear about your shoulder injury, trust it gets better very soon. Best wishes, Sarah

Hi Sarah,

I read enogh to know that this is very well done. You've created an instantly relatable main character, and the same goes for her office setting and colleagues. the writing is crisp, with nary a grammatical or spelling error in site, very rare on this site. don't have time to read or write more due to shoulder injury but will try to dip back into it when i can. well starred and watch listed for now,

andi

Hi Sarah,

I read enogh to know that this is very well done. You've created an instantly relatable main character, and the same goes for her office setting and colleagues. the writing is crisp, with nary a grammatical or spelling error in site, very rare on this site. don't have time to read or write more due to shoulder injury but will try to dip back into it when i can. well starred and watch listed for now,

andi

Hi AliB

Thank you so much for your insightful comments - I have been struggling with refining that first chapter all week and was delighted to get your impressions and suggestions. I can't tell you how much I appreciate them: yes the Dexter storyline was an afterthought (to imply upcoming romance) and I will seriously consider re-using the opportunity or dropping that bit - it just doesn't zip by in the way a first chapter needs to so that might be an option.
Anyway, just re-editing next three chapters to upload them and then will re-visit the first chapter and am taking your comments on board - many thanks for your time.

Not sure editing under the influence of so much chocolate and cake is a good idea but trying to settle down...

Best for now, Coloratura :)

Hi Sarah

I got round to reading two chapters - at last! I have one or two comments on the opening you might like to think about, but basically I think this is well-written and credible as a piece of commercial fiction with a snappy title and good pitch. If this is a first draft you'd expect a bit of tidying up to be needed and I did think the first few pages, although full of interest, could be tightened up.
First of all,my first impression (before the 45+ comment) was that Rachel is in her twenties, and I think it might be important to establish her age ealrier on as this will to a great extent define your market - similarly the fact that she has teenage kids. (I know it's in the pitch, but what's on the page is crucial I think).
Also not sure about the initial dog incident - unless Dexter reappears soon, it seems to hang there for no special reason except maybe to introduce a doggy theme? The other thing is that the puppy is an instant hit - always better to have some conflict, so maybe have the Dexter incident remind her how much she doesn't like dogs, a thought that comes back when the puppy appears, so that there is a process of the kids and the puppy having to win her over against her initial instincts. - Just a thought!
Feel that there is almost too much incident in the first couple of pages - nearly hits a bike, bumps into the man & dog, nearly falls over on her heels. Might be better to establish her current life situation (falling over on unaccustomed heels would be a good way to to this) and leave the dog for after the office scene (also slight cliche of bumping into someone on page one).
These are really minor gripes. I think the office scene is really well done with good level of emotion - all the characters seem real - as do the teenagers. Sorry haven't had time to read more - all the best with it.
AliB
A Kettle of Fish

Hi Sarah

I got round to reading two chapters - at last! I have one or two comments on the opening you might like to think about, but basically I think this is well-written and credible as a piece of commercial fiction with a snappy title and good pitch. If this is a first draft you'd expect a bit of tidying up to be needed and I did think the first few pages, although full of interest, could be tightened up.
First of all,my first impression (before the 45+ comment) was that Rachel is in her twenties, and I think it might be important to establish her age ealrier on as this will to a great extent define your market - similarly the fact that she has teenage kids. (I know it's in the pitch, but what's on the page is crucial I think).
Also not sure about the initial dog incident - unless Dexter reappears soon, it seems to hang there for no special reason except maybe to introduce a doggy theme? The other thing is that the puppy is an instant hit - always better to have some conflict, so maybe have the Dexter incident remind her how much she doesn't like dogs, a thought that comes back when the puppy appears, so that there is a process of the kids and the puppy having to win her over against her initial instincts. - Just a thought!
Feel that there is almost too much incident in the first couple of pages - nearly hits a bike, bumps into the man & dog, nearly falls over on her heels. Might be better to establish her current life situation (falling over on unaccustomed heels would be a good way to to this) and leave the dog for after the office scene (also slight cliche of bumping into someone on page one).
These are really minor gripes. I think the office scene is really well done with good level of emotion - all the characters seem real - as do the teenagers. Sorry haven't had time to read more - all the best with it.
AliB
A Kettle of Fish

an interesting book with an easy to read style

This book is the best read i've seen on this website. Best of luck with the publishing. I will be recommending it to my friends!

The author has breathed dazzling life into these characters in a very modern urban London situation and it would be a crime to put their futures on hold. More please! The clever plot clearly has more twists in its tail and is packed with empathy for our single working heroine and her stunningly real troubled teenagers. Dog lovers will love the humorous and heart-warming observations. The players are startlingly authentic , the dialogue totally convincing, and the office political interplay truly gripping. Looking forward to rejoining their lives!