TAKEN

Hey how's it going? I've read the first three chapters and absolutely think this is a keeper. It's the kind of book I'd pick up in the store. The prologue was startling is it accurate? I hope not. I think that Dee and Potts are well written, although the bad guys they are likable and their personalities shine through. I'm hooked and want to know what happens next. I like how you made Samantha's (Lin) dad notice them watching, and that Potts and Dee picked up on it. Great suspense now we know that things are going to heat up for them. Great thriller so far just a tweak here and there, but that will come with the fifth or sixth edit. lol Good luck with this and I'm putting this on my shelf because I want to finish what you have posted, maybe you'll post more? (Hint, Hint)

Sorry, I can't read about missing children, too emotional for me. Good luck! Your summary is compelling, and has a couple of awkwardnesses.

This reminds me of that movie TAKEN, except it's not contrived and lame. Your opening scene is a powerhouse of suspense. Dee and Potts are really well-written characters. Disturbing. Can't wait to see the father kick some ass. Love the whole angle of a conspiracy within the DEA. WL.

I like your prologue. It was interesting and made me want to read further. The beginning of chapter one intrigued me. At first I thought Potts and Dee were cops on a stakeout of something, but then I was pleasantly surprised. I want to know more about Potts and Dee. Who are they working for, or do they just exploit the children and get rid of them? Also, I thought I was a bit risky that they grabbed the girl in her neighborhood on her bike.
Shelved with best wishes.

Monic
This GIrl, circa 2000 A.D.

Hi ... good stuff!
read thru chapter 5 and am quickly into the characters and storyline which is gripping.
Cuppla questions: In parts, the dialogue feels alittle too obviously 'scene setting'...ie when Dee explains about her stepfather, I would imagine Potts would already know that - seeing as they are sleeping together and very close? Surely iy may have come up, with her man sized clit and all!!? Also the explanations of their sexual orientation, although needed for the storyline, seem a little stifled as they presumably would know quite a lot about each other to be inthe 'business' they are in?
Anyway, minor points in an otherwise chillingly cold hearted book! Sorry its taken so long to comment after the reading and shelving, best MAT

This is backed! And if you read mine (backing optional), you'll see one reason why (shared themes; different approaches)

Smooth and suspenseful reading. I think the suspense would be even stronger if you made it chronological, thereby avoiding the flashback near the beginning, and avoid the resistance that agents feel toward flashbacks. Just a thought.

I was too drawn in to worry about the actual writing...no nits for you, except maybe you repeat Potts' name too much (not sure). Repeating a character's name distances the reader from the character and the action; in Potts' case, maybe you do want to distance the reader from the character because there are hints that he'll play a larger role (because he thinks he knows the father) and you might want the reader to identify more with the father than with Potts. Your call.

Best of luck with this,
Sheryl (comment on mine?)

J this is a well executed chilling thriller. Your short first chapter hooks us nicely (I heard it as Law and Order style voice-over) then into the action. Dee and Potts are well realised characters. Somehow you make scum bags almost likeable, the way say Elmore Leonard does (and this has something of the feel of his work to it),

I can't fault anything about this. The only observation I have is that I'm not sure you need the first scene break in chapter two, you have same characters in the same place, continuity of point and view and action...

This one's getting some time on my revolving shelf. Good luck with it, I can see it doing well here.

I really like the way you've created these characters who, despite their utter depravity, have parts that make you feel a slight bit of sympathy for them. They are not just 2-dimensional characters. The only complaint I have is that the kidnapping occurs in the beginning, but after the next 9 chapters, we still do not know what has happened to Samantha Lin. I know you're giving us all the events leading up to the kidnapping for good reasons, but I wonder how it would flow if you had some "present" passages mixed with the past so the reader doesn't forget about one of the main characters and her plight.

I don't remember if I told you that I started reading a while ago... if I did, sorry it's taken me so long to get back. I wrote a few things down as I was reading and here they are. Do whatever you want with them.

Chapter 1/Intro
-I really like the intro, particularily the last line.
Chapter 2
-"What he did know if they pulled this one off they were out of it and could disappear somewhere let the earth swallow them." It seems like this sentence is missing some words, punctuation and/or needs to be split up. I can pick out the meaning, but I think it could be more clear.
Chapter 3
-"Potts sat with his feet up on the table in the only chair in the room" It''s a nitpick, but this makes it sound like the table is in the only chair I think...
-"Let me get my suit on, and your put yours on too." the first your should be you

*Maybe it's intentional, but it's unclear exactly what they are doing and who they are doing it for. Personally, I would like a little more information up front. Maybe it's a plot device and you need to do it that way (it's hard to tell when you only have time to read a few chapters). I just would like to know more about it instead of trying to figure it out from bits and pieces.

I like this story and would like to continue reading, unfortunately, I'm slow as it is an don't have the time. I will back this once I get back to my profile. It's well written and interesting. Good job!

Katie

A harrowing tale very well handled. Everything is authentic and the pace is just right. On my shelf to read more. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Hi

Managed to get to the end of chapter 6 before realising I have to be somewhere this evening! Yipes I'm gonna be late. Was pretty much hooked fom the end of the first chapter, well written, never had to skip over anything (well maybe the bedroom scene between dee and potts needed another go for clarification). your characters are all painted well and i'm looking forward to reading more.

better get my skates on. hope to be back soon.

J. Howell,

I just read three chapters and it reads tight and fast; I lived in Atlanta for 10 years and have been to Jekyll and St. Simons Islands and you've got them down pat and your characters too. Regressing in time is difficult but you handled it well and it must have been hard researching a book like this, I mean it's usually a bunch of perverts who do these things and you must have gone through a lot of books and newspaper articles because what I've read so far is quite believable and I'll put it on my shelf. I'll be coming back to read a little more about your characters in the future, this Potts and Dee look like they're a couple of real perverted psychos and I'm wondering what you're gonna do with them. A good read, very believable, even though the general public may be skittish because of the subject matter these stories can help to change realities. I'll be sure to take a look at "Cajun Lust" and "Murder on Marsh Island" asap; I got a large W.L. man but I definitely got your other 2 there now. If you get a chance to take a look at any of my other books I'd be interested in any comments you might have, also.


Peace brother,

Keith G.

J. Howell,

I just read three chapters and it reads tight and fast; I lived in Atlanta for 10 years and have been to Jekyll and St. Simons Islands and you've got them down pat and your characters too. Regressing in time is difficult but you handled it well and it must have been hard researching a book like this, I mean it's usually a bunch of perverts who do these things and you must have gone through a lot of books and newspaper articles because what I've read so far is quite believable and I'll put it on my shelf. I'll be coming back to read a little more about your characters in the future, this Potts and Dee look like they're a couple of real perverted psychos and I'm wondering what you're gonna do with them. A good read, very believable, even though the general public may be skittish because of the subject matter these stories can help to change realities. I'll be sure to take a look at "Cajun Lust" and "Murder on Marsh Island" asap; I got a large W.L. man but I'm definitely got your other 2 there now. If you get a chance to take a look at any of my other books I'd be interested in any comments also.


Peace brother,

Keith G.

Hi J!

This is a fantastic story, fast paced and with some really interesting and unusual characters. I have no hesitation in backing this. I’m sure you’ll do well with it.

However, I think you need to improve in a few areas. One is in characterisation, where the characters seem inconsistent – see notes below. Another is in dialogue. You don’t use contractions in dialogue where people normally would, so it doesn’t sound completely natural. A final issue is the way you tell using dialogue. Sometimes I feel your dialogue is too obviously for the benefit of the reader rather than the characters. See notes.

Here are some notes I took as I read:-

Pitch

This really grabbed me. It made me want to read this story.

Prologue

The last sentence of the prologue is very, very powerful. It’s an amazing hook.

Chapter One

In the first scene, Dee addresses Potts as ‘Gerald’ within dialogue. In the second scene she uses ‘Potts’. This is inconsistent. There’s no point in using a different name in narrative and dialogue in the first section, unless these characters are going to be major players later in the book and the different names add depth to their characters. Otherwise, drop the ‘Gerald’ and stick with ‘Potts’ for both.

Eight paragraphs into the second scene, you have two vans. Within that paragraph I got a bit lost between the two vehicles. Couldn’t you call one by another name, such as ‘Transit’ if that’s a name you use for Ford vans stateside.

“Tell me when we’re past Interstate 95.” – contractions like we’re look more natural in dialogue.

Chapter Two

I’m not sure why you want to go back in time here, but okay. However, since we’ve already met Dee, I think you’d make this much clearer if you say ‘Dee had just walked’ rather than ‘His companion’ in the first paragraph.

“What’s the goddamned Golden Isles?” sounds more natural, but… this dialogue sounds like it’s for the benefit of the reader rather than the characters and sounds fake. This is because Potts has been working on this assignment for a couple of weeks and you expect us to believe he’s been studying maps and locations for this place and yet doesn’t know the local names for the islands which must be common knowledge.

At the beginning of this chapter, the ‘team’ sound as if they’ve just been put together and don’t know each other, with questions like ‘anybody ever tell you you’re no fun?’ and statements like ‘I don’t do drugs’ as if they’re just getting to know one another. Then, mid way down, you tell us they’ve been working together for a year. This made no sense to me.

“I’m surprised it runs.”

The revelation that Dee is a transsexual/transvestite at this point jerked me out of the story. Is it relevant/necessary to the plot? I mean, I’d built up a picture of her in the first chapter and the beginning of this one, but now it’s been trashed by this knowledge.

‘After they had devoured…’ wouldn’t it only be Potts who did this, since Dee made it clear she didn’t like fish.

In the scene where Potts says they’ll go swimming, their personalities seem to have been swapped over. Previously she was patting the bed and making suggestive remarks while he brushed her off, but here he’s making suggestive remarks and she’s brushing him off.

I was really confused when Potts suggests the walk on the beach, and then shows Dee the house and comments on the girl, but then it turns out she’s the girl Dee meant. It’s too coincidental that Potts would suggest the walk on a beach when Dee wants to show him a beach house. Also, when Dee describes her to him after he’s seen her, not only is it repeating what she told him earlier, it’s also obviously for the reader rather than the character since he can see her in front of him and knows she’s naturally dark etc.

The paragraph in which you describe Dee and Potts in great detail by weight and etc is too far into the story, when we’ve already built up a picture of them by ourselves which might be completely different to this. Also, it’s too telling rather than showing.

I think you should end the chapter around ‘get some sleep’. The stuff about dancing is irrelevant and detracts from the hook of what they’re planning to do tomorrow with the girl.

I hope this helps!

Best wishes,
Chris :-)

Hi J, Read prologue and first 2 chs .
The figures - I'm assuming they're accurate, are shocking. Its hard to be sure reading this, whether it is meant to be fact or fiction, but having that ambiguity is (IMO) good.
In ch 1 I thought that the contrast between the 'I Love you' bit and what Dee and Potts did added significantly to the impact of it. I did question them opening and drinking beers while passing through a toll gate - would a driver in US be likely to do this?
When I moved into ch2 I found several things awkward. 1. the going back 2 weeks- didn't work (imo) and I don't really see the point of it .
2. The relationship between Potts and Dee here is in almost complete contrast to the first chapter and that also clunked (for me) which is it going to be - a couple who care for each other or a couple who don't and just happen to work together. / The is Dee male / female bit - is it crucial to the story?
Actually I wonder if you need this chapter at all. Or if you do, that you should just have this in chronological order.
This structural point is my main problem with this. I am still intrigued as to why / how Potts and Dee are going to be caught and what happens to Lin though.
Good luck with this, I hope these comments are useful.
Margaret

Margaret, thank you for taking the time to read a few chapters of TAKEN. The figures are real as of 2005. It’s sad that most people are unaware of the people trade in the world. The UN estimates there are 12 million people in slavery of one form or another and another 4 million in the sex trade. TAKEN is fiction based on fact.
I like to think I opened TAKEN with a bang in chapter 1, then the story flashes back two weeks and beings the reader to this point over the next 10 chapters. I’m sorry that didn’t work for you; however, it has worked for others. I do need to look at Chapter 1 and make clear that the toll is to come onto the island not to leave the island. These are bad people and do what they want, including drink, law or no law. It stands to reason that if they will kidnap a young girl, they will drink a beer while driving. If you get a chance to read more you will find, hopefully, that the relationship between Potts and Dee is developed in the chapters leading up to Chapter 1.
I realize that an inherent disadvantage of reading only the first few chapters of a novel is that it is not feasible to critique anything but the grammar, spelling and writing style—if the plot or premise of the work could be judged from such a small sample, there would be no incentive to read the remainder of the work.
I am keeping a working list of things I need to look at and will add your comments
Thanks again.

Hi J, Read prologue and first 2 chs .
The figures - I'm assuming they're accurate, are shocking. Its hard to be sure reading this, whether it is meant to be fact or fiction, but having that ambiguity is (IMO) good.
In ch 1 I thought that the contrast between the 'I Love you' bit and what Dee and Potts did added significantly to the impact of it. I did question them opening and drinking beers while passing through a toll gate - would a driver in US be likely to do this?
When I moved into ch2 I found several things awkward. 1. the going back 2 weeks- didn't work (imo) and I don't really see the point of it .
2. The relationship between Potts and Dee here is in almost complete contrast to the first chapter and that also clunked (for me) which is it going to be - a couple who care for each other or a couple who don't and just happen to work together. / The is Dee male / female bit - is it crucial to the story?
Actually I wonder if you need this chapter at all. Or if you do, that you should just have this in chronological order.
This structural point is my main problem with this. I am still intrigued as to why / how Potts and Dee are going to be caught and what happens to Lin though.
Good luck with this, I hope these comments are useful.
Margaret

Hi Howell. Very eye opening suspense- thriller. Well written too. I backed your book. Good luck. Janet Marie

I read through to ch 5 before I even realised it, the story grabbed me so much. I liked the mix of prose and dialogue, just about right, I thought. It's an interesting viewpoint, seeing things from the abductors' side, and I was almost disgusted with myself for feeling some empathy with them.
Fast-paced, great descriptions, good action scenes and plenty of suspense. What more could you want?
Shelved.

Suggestion, add these commas here to make this sentence more understandable: “What they did know, if they pulled this one off, they were out of it and could disappear somewhere, let the earth swallow them up.”

Well written.

J. Howell:

The only problem with this story for me (and maybe I didn’t read far enough) is that you seem to be portraying these very bad people as likeable. I think you can have “evil” protagonists but, as a reader, it is disconcerting to have them seem so average and normal.

If you tell me if I read further there is some twist and maybe these people are not as bad as they seem, I will read more.

Please know, I AM NOT trying to be harsh. This is a subject matter that is hard for me to read anyway and having the kidnappers seem like everyday Joe’s is a little disconcerting.

As I said, willing to read more if you convince me I should! I am not discounting shelving this book because of the writing.

Good luck.

One of the plot lines interwoven in the book is the redemption of these two people. If you read chapter two you will find that the story flashes backward and brings the reader up to the point of the kidnapping.
Thanks for taking the time to look at it,

Swampfox
What fabulous dialogue. It's almost like a script, with so much dialogue, but hey if that's your style, then be true to yourself. In most thrillers we get introduced to the MC and into his head. I loved the way it feels like the MCs are Potts and Dee.
Two very minor thoughts:
* I'd drop "teenage" for the last line of the intro. It just read better to me.
* I got thrown by the wave from the beech and then straigh to the family. Were they waving to "Hundo" - and the name through me too. We know this is Jack from the blurb, but I had to go and check. I know I should keep going to find out, but whilst it is important to tease the reader with half information in a thriller, if it's not relevant to the plot, then be careful you don't switch your reader off.
You are obviously aware of the Liam Neeson film Taken. "A former spy relies on his old skills to save his estranged daughter, who has been forced into the slave trade." Seems similar. Now, I'm sure it isn't and you have a unique slant because we are introduced to the bad guys at the start, but the comparisons are bound to be made.
I have a teenage daughter and this whole subject scares the life out of me. Since you managed to tap into that so deftly, you have my backing. If I have the nerve later, I may read on.
Shelved and good luck.
Murray
The Jin Deception

Thanks for the suggestions - they are good and will use them - and for the kind comments about the quality of the dialogue. I prefer using dialogue instead of narrative to tell the story, even though there are some challenges in doing so. About the movie - believe me, no one was more astonished than I to discover there was a movie by the same name as my book and with a similar plot line. Not that I am in a position to suggest there is a connection, but I have been sending my book to agents on both the west coast and the east coast for several years (I began writing it 9 years ago) and it is certainly plausible that the germ of the idea for the movie could have been picked up that way. The overall content of my book and the movie is different enough that they are obviously separate works - I just hope the advent of the movie doesn't cause potential interest in my book to be lessened.

Swampfox
What fabulous dialogue. It's almost like a script, with so much dialogue, but hey if that's your style, then be true to yourself. In most thrillers we get introduced to the MC and into his head. I loved the way it feels like the MCs are Potts and Dee.
Two very minor thoughts:
* I'd drop "teenage" for the last line of the intro. It just read better to me.
* I got thrown by the wave from the beech and then straigh to the family. Were they waving to "Hundo" - and the name through me too. We know this is Jack from the blurb, but I had to go and check. I know I should keep going to find out, but whilst it is important to tease the reader with half information in a thriller, if it's not relevant to the plot, then be careful you don't switch your reader off.
You are obviously aware of the Liam Neeson film Taken. "A former spy relies on his old skills to save his estranged daughter, who has been forced into the slave trade." Seems similar. Now, I'm sure it isn't and you have a unique slant because we are introduced to the bad guys at the start, but the comparisons are bound to be made.
I have a teenage daughter and this whole subject scares the life out of me. Since you managed to tap into that so deftly, you have my backing. If I have the nerve later, I may read on.
Shelved and good luck.
Murray
The Jin Deception

J. Howell:

I only read the Prologue and First Chapter (that's generally all I have time for), but here is some feedback from a fellow thriller writer.

Prologue: This is the best opening for your book. First, the beginning is more of a non-fiction account and not about your story. The only part of your story is the last line. This line would be better off as the end of your first Chapter. If you want your readers to know about the stats/the problem, then put it in your forward or use pertinent data throughout the book to educate us. For instance, an overview of stats about teenage runaways would certainly fit into the investigation of this missing teenager, etc. I just don't think this is the right start to your story. Rule of thumb with thrillers is to start in middle of the action.

Chapter 1: Common advice I give is: tighten your writing. This is especially true in writing thrillers. Get to the point and use an active rather than passive voice. Let's look at the opening line of your story: "Potts sat watching the girl's house and Ocean Boulevard." First, keep in mind that your opening line and paragraph are key to hooking your readers, so they should be good. Second, you have a typo right of the bat. Should be "on Ocean Boulevard." Third, Ocean Boulevard isn't that important, nor is his inner thoughts about why they call it a boulevard. If you want that humor put it in dialog. Have him ask his partner, how can they call this road Ocean Boulevard when there is barely enough room for two cars to pass each other. Also in this sentence, sat doesn't say much. Where are they in a car across the street? Then you would say Potts watched her from the driver's side of a Saturn, a Budget rental car parked across the street from XXXX. I wouldn't say "the girl's house." What girl? Apparently they have the wrong one, so how did that happen? Wrong address? How the mix up? Start foreshadowing. If they think it's the right she, then how. Dee pulls out a surveillance photo they received from X. Right age 15 - 18, Right height about 5'6", Hair long blonde, etc. Make the story come alive. You do that then when we find out it's the wrong girl it's more of a surprise, but not because you held out on the reader, but because Dee and Potts have screwed up, but we know how that happened so it's all credible.

Okay back to the tight writing. You wrote "She reached over took his cigarette, took a deep pull and then handed it back." This should be written more like: "She stole the cigarette from his mouth, inhaled a deep pull and handed it back." The "reached over" is assumed, since how else did she get it from his mouth. Likewise the "then" is useless as we know that what happened next because you told us. Also, you need to avoid using the word "took" twice in the same sentence. The first took could be stole as I used, or grabbed, nabbed, or anything else that might fit. The second took could be replaced with inhaled (which is a more descritive word than took) or other appropriate word. Always strive to find words that are more visual than mundane words such as took. One more example, you wrote "What he did know if they pulled this one off they were out of it and could disappear somewher let the earth swallow them up." This sentence has grammar flaws as well as being too long winded for what you're trying to say. First you don't need "What he did know." This Chapter starts off in Potts point of view, so when you're narrating we know that's what he's thinking. So you can simply write: "If they pulled this job off, he and Dee could disappear. Let the earth swallow them up."

Be clear about who your pov character is in a scene. Jumping ends within a scene is unnerving to the reader, and not something that novice authors are supposed to do. That means once you establish who best to show the scene through you have to stay true to that pov. When I read the dialog tag line "Dee liked waring wigs--she liked the blonde one best," it threw me because I didn't think we were in Dee's pov but Potts.

Why the ****** this didn't appear to be a scene break.

Go back and read some of the books you like. The authors you have listed are great examples for your genre. See how they write sentences and see how they look different from yours. A great exercise is to take a few lines, or a paragraph from one of those books, then use them to rewrite a few lines or scenes of yours. See how you can use the same sentence structure in your story. It'll help you see how to craft these sentences. For thrillers you want the story to move (pace is key) and you want your words to bring the story alive without getting in the way. Not that you can't throw in some great prose sometimes, but generally that isn't what folks want from a thriller. They want the thill. To keep folks on the seat of their chair you have to write tight.

Hope this helps.

Dorinda

Dorinda

Thanks so much for reading Taken and your comments. They are helpful. I am like Benny Hill, just learning all the time. I like to open in the middle of a story and sometimes flash back with back-story. That is what I did here. Chapter Two starts six weeks before the kidnapping. I try to pose questions in the first chapters that will make readers will want to read further for answers. Like why are these people so calm about what they are doing? Why this girl? Why are they kidnapping children anyway? Questions like this.
In July of this year they took the wrong girl. The phrase is meant to convey that the girl they took was wrong for them because of who her father is and what he does—not that they literally made an error in the execution of their task. I guess this didn’t work for you. I think if you read chapter two you will get a better idea of the story line.
POV has always been hard for me. Maybe that is way I write in the third person POV and omniscient POV so much. I don’t feel so bad about it when I see writers like Larry McMurtry in three or four characters heads in the same paragraph. However you make a good point about POV and I will review the principles of POV.

I have posted the third book in the series Murder on March Island. I would like to know what you think of it.

Prologue is great. Book moves fast, a must in today's day and age. Scary premise. I had this on my watch list, but now I'm moving it up.

You will need to go through and clean up the wording and grammar. Make it tighter. I'll read more and give some examples.

Kindly check me out-- Thomas E. Mahon "The First Daughter"

Tom, Thanks for taking a look at TAKEN and of course the backing. I would appreciate any examples of grammar and wording I need to fix. Believe me grammar is not my line of work. I have put THE FIRST DAUGHTER on my watch list and will read this week.
Thanks again and good luck.

Prologue is great. Book moves fast, a must in today's day and age. Scary premise. I had this on my watch list, but now I'm moving it up.

You will need to go through and clean up the wording and grammar. Make it tighter. I'll read more and give some examples.

Kindly check me out-- Thomas E. Mahon "The First Daughter"

Dear J Howell,

You, sir, know exactly what you are doing. Among the best and on my bookshelf.

Pitch and synopsis, spot on and exactly as they should be. Very proper. Editors will appreciate that.

When I read your pitch, I whispered, oh shit, oh no.

Visual presentation of your synopsis, line spaced paras is lekker. Lekker is South African for delicious, anything good and wholesome.

I'm so dumb, had to ask my wife what DEA stood for. The trade doesn't frighten me. It angers me. Will take those little shit-heads out with my bare hands.

What you say in your prologue is beyond belief. I don't believe in rule of law which protects the perp but not the victim. I would just waste them.

I ain't gonna criticise, because you know exactly what you're doing. Jeez, the final sentence on one of our chapters made me smile. They took the wrong girl. Nice work.

Character driven. Dialogue and direct action. Gonna quickly put this on recommending a Manuscript.

I take my hat off to you, sir.

Kind regards.

Pierre.

J - First of all, the premise of this book is so scary, intense and compelling at the same time. I want to read, but at the same time I don't. I've got three young girls, aged 11 - 16, and if one of them disappeared I have no clue how I'd handle it. Would I be that guy with the TV show, making it my life to find not only her but help solve other crimes? Or would I curl up in a ball and die? Or would I go on, just a shell of my former self, through life one day at a time? I have no idea, and I pray I never find out.

Your opening hits a chord - not only the disappearances, but also how their lives often end up in the gutter. I just may not be able to read this all the way if it affects me too much. I have say, though, that the way you're writing this is so matter-of-fact I'm not feeling chills yet though I should. You're hitting on the worst possible scenarios without injecting too much emotion. That may be what you're going for, though. Please don't take this like 'he doesn't get it' because I do. I've got 3 of my own. Hit me with this, hit me hard. Make me want to stop reading. I love the ending of this section though. Yes! Finally, some good punch.

Oh good, I'm glad the proper Chapter 1 is a story. I was worried the whole thing would be a statistic. Another reason to make the opening more storylike, but that's just one person's opinion.

Hey this is a good story of the abduction. Just a little bit of description of the girl before she's grabbed would make it more hard-hitting to the reader. If I could envision her, I could 'feel' her get kidnapped. I could 'feel' her fighting back, and almost succeeding before she passes out. I should feel goosebumps. But right now, its just intellectual, just a story.

Ok, to the end of Chap 2 and you've yet to physically describe either abductor or the girl. I'm not yet emotionally attached to anyone yet, not even the narrator. And I WANT to be. I expect to be. Why are you holding back? I'm your perfect reader - the one who should be shaking right now. Sorry, I know I'm being hard on you. Too hard. I know it, but I see total potential here for SO much.

Hmmm... ok, so the opening was a diatribe on abduction, presumably to get us to imagine the horrors this girl is going to face. The first real chap is the abduction itself, no surprise there after the opening. Now you're going 2 weeks earlier? Too much time/place switching. Still another reason not to get emotionally engaged.

Ok, so now we get the description the girl from Chap 1 (rides her bike everywhere). Yay. Wish I'd known that earlier... But come on, please describe the abductors so I can picture them (and hate them) in my head. Its also good to show a little depth - they don't have to be entirely bad people. Its easier for the reader to get engaged if the characters are three-dimensional.

Ok, i can't stay any longer. its late and my eyes are burning. I'm sorry if the comments sounded harsh. I feel like this could be SO good, and I feel like you can tell it that way but you just havent yet. Inject some life, some dimension and some more feeling into this and it could be a huge hit.

Good luck!
Dave

Hi J, I have read a few chapters if this. I really like this but feel it is lacking something. I think you have way too much dialogue. The opening chapters are good with the constant dialogue and the first-hand account of what is happening, gives it real edge, but I think if you switched to narration and told some of the story as a witness account or narrator it would be just as harrowing as well. Consider switching back and forth between these points of view as you tell the story to keep the reader interested - maybe you do this later and I haven't read enough? Dialogue is fine but chapter after chapter of it can be tedious.
The only other suggestion I would make, is think about adding more character to the places, towns, they visit, more descriptive to give the reader a better feel for where they are.
Hope this helps and feel free to ignore my comments if you don't agree with them - I'm bookshelving this becasue I like what I've read so far and it has great potential. Good luck with this.
Regards,
James

This is dialogue driven. Somehow I can't get my head around two scumbags talking so eloquently to each other. The writing's fluid but the talking slows down the action. I really don't want to get to like Dee and Potts, the less I know about them the better. They remind me of two characters in a Bond movie; playing it for laughs when, intentionally, it should be serious. I get no sense of menace.
It gets a bit Mills and Boon in places too (do you have Mills and Boon in the States?) I expect things will warm up when big Hundo Lane (nice name, reminds me of Bronco Lane) finds his daughter has been lifted.
It's a little deceptive. There's some adult content but it's written without much real bite. Needs sharpening if it's going to make it. At the moment it's like the Curate's egg.
I'll keep it watchlisted for now.
Ed Lane.

I picked your book to read, my first on Authonomy, sort of at random and was startled to find it taking place less than 10 miles from my house in Brunswick.

I have read all ten chapters and maybe I should wait for more before making my principal comment which is about pacing. Perhaps the "taking" is not the main event in your book, but if it is, I am finding it takes a bit of a long time to get there - to whatever follows the actual grab at least.

Your scene-setting is certainly accurate although I think the book, judging from Pott's age and the 'Nam references, is set before my time and the recent surge of development in the Golden Isles, and your development of Potts and Dee are beginning to make them a little sympathetic and less repulsive than I originally thought. One dialogue device that began to bug me was the Lane's habit of calling each other Miss, Mrs., and Mr. Lane The mother and father do one hell of a lot of talking, I'm sure meant to build a sense of their strong feelings for each other, but maybe a little lengthy.

I will watch for additional chapters. Good luck!

J,

Had a look at chapters 3 and 4. I actually think chapter 3 would be a better start of the book, and less confusing, too. I'd like to know a bit more of what these uncouth characters plan to do with this girl. At first I found the POV switch to Hundo disruptive. I think you could possibly delete the small scene in chapter 3, and cover the family in a larger scene later. If you leave chapter 2 until later (chronologically), I feel you have more tension in the novel.

I appreciate your looking at chapters 3 and 4 and your comments are quite helpful. I will add your ideas to my list of suggestions for the next edit.
J.

J,

Had a look at chapters 3 and 4. I actually think chapter 3 would be a better start of the book, and less confusing, too. I'd like to know a bit more of what these uncouth characters plan to do with this girl. At first I found the POV switch to Hundo disruptive. I think you could possibly delete the small scene in chapter 3, and cover the family in a larger scene later. If you leave chapter 2 until later (chronologically), I feel you have more tension in the novel.

Hi. well I've just read the first few chapters. the premise is great. the prologue sets the scene as a whole, makes it feel like I'm watching a film. the kidnap is very vivid, it's cold and calculated. what I'm not sure about is whether this is what you mean to do. I feel like the action is being described but I'm not getting any emotion and maybe that's the point. maybe these kidnappers have played this game for so long that they're devoid of emotion. if it's feeding their drug habit then maybe they just do it without even considering emotional consequences. I do think that if this is the case you need to convey this. I like the switch to 2 weeks previously but then in the next chapter I start reading not knowing where I am in time. it breaks the flow of the writing to stop and work this out so I'd consider putting a date entry at the top of each chapter, maybe relating to the kidnap eg 10th August. 2 weeks before the kidnap. then 12th August, 12 days before the kidnap. I want to dip in further along (can't do it mid comment) and see if you relax into the mood and the voice more further in. I think this has a lot of promise and could really come together with a bit of work. Ali.

J,

Some comments on chapter 1.

You certainly start with a bang with the kidnapping of the girl. I don't know what they're going to do with her yet and I think that provides good tension.

I could use a bit more setting, which I find very sparse. In the last scene you say 'where the ditch was deep enough' and I'm going 'whoa - what ditch?' Last time you described a setting, I had the impression they were on a busy boulevarde in some city.

If they didn't want to draw attention from the police, would they be opening cans of beer in the car?

Good catch on the setting confusion - the kidnapping takes place on a small island where the roads are narrow and rural in appearance even though it is a resort area. All this gets explained in the next few chapters, which are a flashback, but I get the point of addressing basic staging in the first chapter. I appreciate your insight,. About the beer - in the US it is common for that class of people to ride around drinking and, believe it or not, there was a time that law enforcement simply looked the other way and some still do. Thanks again for your comments - if you still think this is a problem after reading the next few chapters, please let me know so I can address it.
J

J,

Some comments on chapter 1.

You certainly start with a bang with the kidnapping of the girl. I don't know what they're going to do with her yet and I think that provides good tension.

I could use a bit more setting, which I find very sparse. In the last scene you say 'where the ditch was deep enough' and I'm going 'whoa - what ditch?' Last time you described a setting, I had the impression they were on a busy boulevarde in some city.

If they didn't want to draw attention from the police, would they be opening cans of beer in the car?

Commenting as a reader: exciting stuff, and creepy, just as I like it.

Thanks for the feedback and for backing the book. I hope you will be my friend. Please keep reading - I will post more chapters. I look forward to having a chance to take a look at your book tomorrow.

Commenting as a reader: exciting stuff, and creepy, just as I like it.

The idea of this is good with a tight beginning and clear hints that these guys have taken on quite a handful. I also liked the prologue, which is unusual.

I'm not going to be backing this at the moment, however, because I think some of the prose is rather clumsy. some sentences would benefit from a complete re-write because their meaning is opaque. To give an example - 'Dee drove without either saying anything.' doesn't fully make sense.

I hope this helps.

Sian

Thanks for the feedback - I will add this to the list I am keeping for my next edit.

I really enjoyed how you started out this book, a short prologue, then boom! right into action, and from the point of view of the captors. I thought that was brilliant. I also like the idea that they got the wrong one, cuz who isn't going to root for this girl, right? Great beginning. Only one thing I could think of, is I wish I knew a bit about Potts and Dee physically - something to help me visualize these guys. Just an opinion. It's killer diologue though!

Jess

At last - a prologue that actually has 100% relevance to the material that immediately follows it. I enjoyed the five pages I read, and I like how you've built it all up - Potts and his crew casing out Lin, and Hundo and his family doing their thing. It's excellent material that's both compelling and topical.
Nonetheless, I feel it's let down a little by the occasional ping-ponging dialogue that serves no purpose (IMHO) than to occupy lines on the page. E.g, on pg3.
"“In Waycross.”

“Pay cash?”

“Like you told me. Two hundred dollars.”

“It looks it. I am surprised it runs.”

“Used the name Fred Stone,” she laughed. “Get it? Fred Stone, Fred Flintstone.”

“Yeah, real funny.”

“Come on, Potts, lighten up.”

“Okay. Okay.”

“Where do you want to eat?”

“Anywhere we ain’t ate before. Drive down I-95 toward Jacksonville until we see a place.”

The above could be tightened up and the extraneous banter removed. With a story as impactful as this one, you don't want your readers waylaid by chit-chat.
When talking about a female, the word blond becomes blonde.
Apart from these quibbles, you have an A-rate tale here, so on the shelf it goes.
Cheers,
Peter

Thanks for the helpful feedback - I really appreciate your being so specific and giving an example of where it drags - odd how I can see it so clearly now. I like TILA and have put it on my watchlist and will make time to read some more of it tonight.. Good luck and thanks again.
Swampfox

J,

Some comments on this, prologue first. I'll come back in another message for the next chapter.

First impression... (please read to the end)
The prologue is rather dry. The language is academic, passive. You use the phrase 'end up' four times and repeat a few other phrases as well. It could probably pass as a newspaper article, but I feel you might want to cut repetition a bit and maybe find some different academic-sounding terms.

Anyway...

The last line is an absolute KILLER!

What a hook! Now I want to read the rest!

Thanks for your comments. Constructive criticism is what I am looking for. I intended the prologue to sound dry and factual to emphasize the seriousness of this problem. As large pools of money have become available in certain parts of the world, demand for this sort of thing has grown. It is now a huge problem and one that does not get much publicity. I had not noticed the repetition issue and really appreciate your pointing that out - I will correct it and repost.
Hope you will find the time to read the first couple of chapters - I would like to hear from you with your reactions.
Swampfox

J,

Some comments on this, prologue first. I'll come back in another message for the next chapter.

First impression... (please read to the end)
The prologue is rather dry. The language is academic, passive. You use the phrase 'end up' four times and repeat a few other phrases as well. It could probably pass as a newspaper article, but I feel you might want to cut repetition a bit and maybe find some different academic-sounding terms.

Anyway...

The last line is an absolute KILLER!

What a hook! Now I want to read the rest!

Hey how's it going? I've read the first three chapters and absolutely think this is a keeper. It's the kind of book I'd pick up in the store. The prologue was startling is it accurate? I hope not. I think that Dee and Potts are well written, although the bad guys they are likable and their personalities shine through. I'm hooked and want to know what happens next. I like how you made Samantha's (Lin) dad notice them watching, and that Potts and Dee picked up on it. Great suspense now we know that things are going to heat up for them. Great thriller so far just a tweak here and there, but that will come with the fifth or sixth edit. lol Good luck with this and I'm putting this on my shelf because I want to finish what you have posted, maybe you'll post more? (Hint, Hint)

Unfortunately, the statistics are worse now. A girl like Samantha Lin can bring 30 to 40 thousand dollars. In some parts of the world, the rich collect young girls as trophies. The same is true in the US! As you read more you will see how easy it really is. Remember the scene in JAWS where the mother takes her eyes off her son for just a second and Jaws gets him?
The first half of TAKEN is about Dee and Potts. I did not set out to write so much about them but they just took it from me! I liked the way the young Dee could soften Potts’ heart and cause him to come to love again. The second half is about the Lane family and friends and their reaction to Lin’s kidnapping. Oh, am I glad I only have two more edits to go.LOL any help there would be appreciated. So thanks for your very kind words and I will be posting more.
I am working on a book now that has a side plot with vampires and, ironically, I had put IN THE BLOOD on my watch list to read, which I will do today.
Swampfox

One thing I can say for this is that I kept reading. That's the goal - isn't it? Your characters - well you are not very nice to make me sympathetic to such creeps. I think this will do well. Good Luck.

Hey how's it going? I've read the first three chapters and absolutely think this is a keeper. It's the kind of book I'd pick up in the store. The prologue was startling is it accurate? I hope not. I think that Dee and Potts are well written, although the bad guys they are likable and their personalities shine through. I'm hooked and want to know what happens next. I like how you made Samantha's (Lin) dad notice them watching, and that Potts and Dee picked up on it. Great suspense now we know that things are going to heat up for them. Great thriller so far just a tweak here and there, but that will come with the fifth or sixth edit. lol Good luck with this and I'm putting this on my shelf because I want to finish what you have posted, maybe you'll post more? (Hint, Hint)

Swampfox,
I've read right through to the end and I think you have a great story here; the writing style is good and the characterisation is superb. You have created a couple of really interesting individuals in Dee and Potts.

A few things - firstly although you show the kidnap of Samantha Lin very early on, and you spend quite a bit of time preparing Hundo's character, for me the story is really about Dee and Potts, and you could probably remove Hundo completely! Admittedly this then becomes a completely different story, but you could save Hundo for another book!

Either that, or you need to get out of the flashback quicker, say by chapter 4, and have Hundo on the hunt. All the material you've written could probably be reworked, maybe with Samantha Lin tied up, being dragged around by Dee and Potts.

The story could do with a fairly brutal edit, as there is a lot of repetition, both of dialogue and prose which slows the pace down. Look at each sentence and decide if it really advances the story. If it doesn't, cut it, and be honest!

I am hooked though, and really want to see how Dee and Potts evolve. I hope you take my comments in the spirit they were written - positive and encouraging, and remember at the end of the day, simply an opinion.

I'm backing the book because I think it has real potential. Good luck!

Bryan

Bryan, thanks so much for the specific comments and honest criticsm. Much of what you suggest does develop in the remainder of the book and I look forward to hearing what you think of it. I must admit, Potts and Dee did take over the book, even though it was supposed to be about Hundo and his family. I have struggled with eliminating the unnecessary words and I have to be more brutal on the next edit. Thanks again for the straight-forward advice.
Swampfox

Swampfox,
I've read right through to the end and I think you have a great story here; the writing style is good and the characterisation is superb. You have created a couple of really interesting individuals in Dee and Potts.

A few things - firstly although you show the kidnap of Samantha Lin very early on, and you spend quite a bit of time preparing Hundo's character, for me the story is really about Dee and Potts, and you could probably remove Hundo completely! Admittedly this then becomes a completely different story, but you could save Hundo for another book!

Either that, or you need to get out of the flashback quicker, say by chapter 4, and have Hundo on the hunt. All the material you've written could probably be reworked, maybe with Samantha Lin tied up, being dragged around by Dee and Potts.

The story could do with a fairly brutal edit, as there is a lot of repetition, both of dialogue and prose which slows the pace down. Look at each sentence and decide if it really advances the story. If it doesn't, cut it, and be honest!

I am hooked though, and really want to see how Dee and Potts evolve. I hope you take my comments in the spirit they were written - positive and encouraging, and remember at the end of the day, simply an opinion.

I'm backing the book because I think it has real potential. Good luck!

Bryan

I found this very interesting. It certainly reads well and you have given us two characters in the early chapters who are human and not one-dimensional. That is not easy!
Trying to be usefully critical, and bear in mind that I am no expert:
"He must be 6' 4" and looks like he could give more than you'd want." - they can both see him so that sentance felt like it was more for the reader's benefit than something the character would reasonably say. This was the only place I noticed you do that though.
And in the same chapter, which POV were you writing? Because we have a bit of Dee and a bit of Potts in one scene. To be honest, I would never have picked that up as a reader if I were not being very picky with my own manuscript after I mixed my POVs dreadfully in my first draft.
I'm going to come back and read some more before reaching a decision over shelving because I love dialogue and so the amount in these chapters did not bother me. But I want to see how the next few pan out. In case that sounds negative, I would not be back if I didn't appreciate the chapters so far, so it is certainly not intended to be taken in any vein other than a positive endorsement of what I have seen in the early chapters.

Lalie,
Thank you so much for your comments - this is exactly the kind of feedback I need to get on POV. I, too, have to work on that constantly. I have read all you posted of Freakshow and did not detect any problems with POV, but then, I'm not an editor. What few problems I did spot, I've already pointed out and hope the comments were helpful. I look forward to your posting more of Freakshow.
Swampfox

Swampfox , hi.
As with so many good things, you come across 'em by accident.
What a happy accident! This was just going to be a fleeting visit, a W/L then a read later...i'm now half way through and backing 'Taken'.
Can you *love* th baddies? In the case of Potts 'n' Dee, I believe you can. Superbly written, letting us get to know them almost entirely with dialogue.
Sparse and taught, this reminds me, to a degree, of early Coben and Myron Bolitar, bless him.
This deserves to be shooting up the ratings.
I'll finish this later.
Best of luck.
Max

I've read upto chapter 3 now. The prologue is great - the statistics really hooked my attention and you kept it through chapter 1. Chatpers 2 and 3 feel to me as though they have a bit too much dialogue, and after a fast moving chapter 1 they seem considerably slower. I think you do have the makings of something good here, it's an arresting subject for a book and I wish you well with it.

Hi Howell,
Thanks for reading /my/ Taken! I've started reading yours, and it looks like it will be good. You're on my watchlist and I'll be back.
Bryan

Hi Howell,

Welcome to Authonomy, friend.

I read your first three chapters.

The plotting and execution are well handled.

Your characterization of Potts and Dee is good. I like that Dee is quirky. Hundo seems like he's going to be an interesting character.

Your dialogue is authentic and drives your story.

Your pacing is a triffle slow. You might cut out any dialogue that doesn't move the story forward, Chit chat is authentic, but doesn't belong in a fast paced thriller. Fictional dialogue only 'appears' natural. It is, in fact, just another way to move the story forward.

Your descriptions of setting are good. I'd like to see more descriptions of the characters sprinkled in. You could describe their emotions a bit more as well.

Some suggested edits.

"Fuck," Pitts groaned. You can't groan dialogue. Put a period after 'fuck' and let Potts groan without talking simutaneously. There are more cases of this problem in your first three chapters.

"... You finally found one you couldn't handle?" Dee said. The dialogue is a question so the dialogue tag should be 'Dee asked.'

"... They may not miss her yet." Potts said. The dialogue should end with a comma when you have a dialogue tag (ie Potts said). There are more cases of this type of problem in your first three chapters.

"What's that sound like Potts?" 'Potts' should be off set with a comma. There are more instances of this type of problem in your first three chapters.

Dee frowned then said. "I've found ..." Comma after 'frowned.' Comma after 'said.'

These are straight forward problems that you should fix. Editors notice.

I found your story interesting and enjoyable. I'm backing your book.

Al