Jessup and the Teleporter

The opening scene to this novel is ingenious. Through the events taking place, you brilliantly reveal everything the reader needs to know to be grounded in the story. Too many authors provide page after page of background information that ought to be written into the story. This is a phenomenal example of how to do it right.

From there, I was impressed with how well targeted this is for the audience. The word choice is active and fitting for the genre, and I could easily see my middle school students loving every word of this.

I also felt the voice was authentic. The thoughts and feelings felt spot on for the age. And though the narrator occasionally seems older than twelve, I believed Jessup’s character. This was very effectively written.

I love that this is a Christian novel. Christianity needs a voice like this one for its MG audience.

Nice way to finish the opening chapter. Good hook!

To be honest, the only real problem I had with this was the time period. I felt it would be more effective if this took place in present day. Really you would only need to remove or modify the cultural references. For example: the game system. Nintendo 64 really dates the novel. Your target audience was in elementary school (or younger!) when the Nintendo 64 was popular. Providing more recent cultural bits (or none at all) might make this easier to market.

Other than that, I can see why this has risen so quickly in the rankings. I highly recommend checking it out.

Chapter One
Excellent use of Chapter 1 to show the disruption of a twelve-year-old’s world when caught in the middle of divorce. So often we forget their pain. You portray in a realistic
storyline how the pre-teen view is shaped by an impossible mission they undertake; that of sabotaging the relationships the spouses have moved on to.

The storyline in this chapter is therapeutic for two groups of people: the first is the adults who underestimate the level of understanding that children bring into adult situations. The second is those youngsters who need to understand that the divorce of their parents has them thinking the same types of thoughts that their peers do. In essence, the thoughts and actions that they take when facing divorce are shared by other members of their age group. They are not alone.

You used an appropriate cliff-hanger at the end of the chapter considering the age group your manuscript is directed at.

Chapter Two
I knocked over my chair, scrambling (scrambled)….

Loved that line…So much for man’s best friend.

You have shared a portion of your vivid imagination in such a way that pulls the reader further into your world.

This is a great action sequence beginning with Professor Strunk matializing inside the set and the actions Jessup took to free him.

Chapter Three
I see excellent character development of Jessup and Pro. Strunk. The character of Chris seems to be a little underdeveloped, but still you managed to make this chapter work very well.

Chapter Four
Raymond takes in all the information he has been presented with too nonchalantly. He is faced with a strange adult in front of his face covered with a quilt. He has just been told that the impossible has happened (a human being teleported into the room), and that Jessup plans to use a teleportation device to break up the relationship between his (Raymond’s) mother and Jessup’s dad. For this scene to sound natural, there needs to be some resistance from Raymond to what is going on in front of him.
Considering everything so far, this is an excellent story for today’s young. The writing is well crafted. Your sentence structures are clear and show evidence of very careful line editing. You demonstrate enormous control of the language and a vivid imagination.

Very good work. My vote is for five stars and would have been six if not for my concerns about the way Raymond reacted to the scene before him when he first walked into the room. I will place this on my shelf and come back to read more of it once you’ve added some more chapters.

You plunge the YA reader right in the middle of the story by your use of first person. You clearly know your market and have targeted accordingly. This has energy and brio and is full of the kind of action that would draw kids in. There’s nothing worse than being caught by your peers with the wrong stuff and I really do like the way you highlight the technology that was so last week…. Kids of course, are way more on top of this, as you so cleverly acknowledge, than their parents.

Although the set-up is about a boy caught up in a divorce, this in no way feels like issue-based story-telling. Instead, Jessup’s own adventure is allowed to take over and it does, at break-neck speed.

I like the little details – particularly that Pecos the Labrador features in the story (but that’s maybe because I’m a biased Labrador-owner). I love the dog’s reaction to the sight of the Prof coming out of the TV set…. ‘scrabbling to his feet, claws clicking on the hardwood floor, skidding out of the room as fast as he could.’

This would really lend itself to either an animation – in the Toy Story tradition or a kids TV film. No wonder this is doing so well and I wish you every success with this. Not just here on Autho – but where it really counts – out in the publishing world. Highly starred and on the WL.
Lambert Nagle – Revolution Earth

D.S.,

I love finding new YA books to add to my classroom library, and when this one becomes available in print, you can bet it will be there. While yes, divorce is a tale told many times, it's something that so many kids go through, and I feel like books can be so very helpful when it comes to getting them through things like that, so I think you've used an experience that really can't get old or overused. Throwing sci-fi (and comedy) in the mix just makes it 100 times better! I love the plot, and actually, it was your pitch that started me reading, and the way you write that kept me going.

Excellent job! Jessup is a great character - well written, believable, and someone the YA audience can easily relate to. It's a fun read and very imaginative - something that I think most YA books lack anymore.

Great job & happy writing!

-Lexx (Mrs_Gresh)
Soothsayer

Supurbly written and most enjoyable! I read it like I was watching a Disney movie. Your writing is concise and descriptive and your narration flows very well. I love youth stories such as this, and I take my grandson to see them when I can. Great imaginative story. I love Jessup's confidence and planning ability opposite Chris's fear of everything. Great contrast!

Best of luck, Backed with pleasure, and I look forward to seeing this in print.

Debbie Martin
IN THE FAMILY WAY

Great story. Very well written for the age group. Many kids who are victims of broken families would love this book. I especially liked the line: "I am a kid with a head full of anger, and hate, and sadness, with a heart as heavy as a rock." A very apt description of a child's feelings in those circumstances. Rated six stars.

Kerrie Price
THE GOD PLEASERS

Hi D.S.
I have just cleared all my books from Authonomy and posted a new work, Hellion 2. There are issues within this work that I am most anxious to get right. Would you please take a look and let me know if there is anything that you feel might cause offence, regarding the holocaust.

many thanks

Cyrus

An interesting story, and concept for the story. I got as far as Chapter 3 before I ran out of time. I'll bookmark it and hopefully get back to it.

The science fiction and the kid are cool but I get the feeling the Christian part is tacked on to expand the market, not a fundamental part of the story. Maybe that changes after Chapter 3.

SF42

Okay, this is probably going to be the least helpful critique ever, so I apologize for that. Thing is, I just don't have anything to critique. I was immediately entranced by this story and can, quite literally, already picture it on the shelves of Barnes and Noble. From the cover to the title, and everything in between, you've captured it spot on. Your imagery is exceptional, drawing the reader in to the situation. Your characters are lifelike, likable, superb. You've taken a situation that has ruined many kids lives and hewn it into redemption. We read because it transports us, and this book certainly does that. I feel that this is the kind of book, like Harry Potter was for so many, that would get kids reading. And that's just about the greatest thing a children's book can accomplish! Six stars and will be shelving as soon as possible. Again, I apologize for my lack of helpful critique. But truly, great work!!

Bre
Memoria

Good read! You're a talented writer and your characters are ideal for the target age range. Glad to see it's doing well on the ED chart too!

Lee
"Elton: The Different Kookaburra"

YARG review.

This is a great story you've created. Jessup is a great main charater and is easily realatable. Everything is well written, well paced and well edited. The story is easy to get into and easy to keep on reading.

High stars.
Karen =)

A truly delightful read.

Miles A. Robinson
Song for My Father / Loud Lucy Ludlow

What a fab book. Sometime the YA books area better read than adult. The way you allow your reader to indulge with the Professor coming out of the TV set.
Right from the off we are hooked by the hate for Denise "the other Woman" and the plot to get her out of their lives and dad back.
Very well written and enjoyable
KNowing Liam Riley

You do a nice job setting up two stories lines with Jessup's family situation and him trying to help his professor. There isn't a lot of scientific explanation here, but that's okay since it's aimed at young adults. It works as a tale of a young teen learning to take responsibility in life.

This is an enjoyable read. I'll back it.

Brian Bandell
Mute

Another well-written chapter! I loved how the suspense is building.

J. T. Carroll (Bitnapped!)

You really plunge into some hard-hitting things. The boy is only 12 years old, yet he is expected to choose between his parents, which is unfair. That kind of pressure shouldn’t be pressed into such a young boy, and you do a good job of displaying how hard it is. Everything starts off kind of depressing, which makes me wonder where the story is headed. I liked your pitch, and it’s keeping me hooked to find out how everything turns out. I can relate to Jessup’s feeling of being trapped no matter what he chooses, but with other decisions.
From what I’ve read so far, I’ve really enjoyed it and can see that it is a very captivating story. Great intro, and I absolutely adored the way you ended the first chapter. It really captures the reader's attention and sets the up the rest of the story.

Christine Rees
Spark

I really enjoyed the opening chapter! It was well-written and interesting. It made me care about Jessup and what would happen to him. Just a couple of very, very small nits that tripped me up when reading:

- Dad and I used to fish ... (spend instead of spent)
- Suddenly the TV screen bulged like a partially-inflated balloon (and instead of as?)

Hi D.S.,
I have to say I enjoyed reading your book. I feel YAs will find your book very entertaining. Good luck to you and blessings.

Elsie
And God Sent the Dragonflies

Hi D.S.,
I have to say I enjoyed reading your book. I feel YAs will find your book very entertaining. Good luck to you and blessings.

Elsie
And God Sent the Dragonflies

This trips along really nicely, is age appropriate, and has a wonderfully Dr Who like twist to make the reader turn the page. Nice job, very nice!

Well worth a place in front of the editor - back it and rate it

Hi Hale,
I liked the premise. I read the first chapter and I should say that this is the kind of book I like to read. I also like the your description of events. starred and backed with pleasure.

Also thank you very much for your comment on Ozoneraser.

venkatarama dandibhotla

D.S. I had the chance to read the first three chapters of Jessup and the Transporter. Great immagery and I like the way chapters end to prompt further reading. Young readers should love it.
Richard McStay

I've really enjoyed the beginning of your book and have rated it and backed it and WL'd it so I can come back and read more.I'm new on the site and have just uploaded my book Replacement Mothers, 2 days ago. It's got a big number 14 beside it today -yesterday it was 50 -not sure what that means really????!!! help!!

This is a wonderful story. I read the first four chapters, and I want to read more! It's so original! And I hate Denise. ;D (And the alien-equivilent worked for me, because as a kid--and even now--I love shoot-em-up alien games!). The story is extremely well told. I wouldn't change anything! This is a book that will find it to the shelves! My only nit-pick is in chap four, near the end when Jessup is grabbing the trash and wanting the professor to shut up--there's an added "the" that doesn't belong. But other than that, I thought the writing and story was perfect. Well done! I like that you made it known that he was from a Christian family, etc., but didn't make it preachy. It ruins books entirely too much. So thank you for keeping it real! And God bless!
Any comments on my book, "Alexis: Tears of Blood" would be appreciated, if you'd like to take a look. I apologize if you already have--I forget who does who! ;D Good luck~

--Shieldmaiden

Hi, this is Cyrus,
Look I really like your book the more I read of it. The tone and style are pitched just right and the pace is bright. You are blessed with a clear writing style and get your point across quickly. I will find a space on my bookshelf.
There is one thing I found a little off putting and that was your pitch. Personally, I feel you should tone it down a bit, for me, quoting what others have said about your book doesn't work. I totally accept that this might be part of the cultural anomaly that separates our two great countries, I just think that more Brits would pick up this work if the pitch was toned down a little. I'm probably completely wrong though - good luck, this book will do very well.

Dominus vobiscum

Cyrus

I was hooked on this story from the first chapter which by the way was excellent. I rarely visit children's books these days which is quite lamentable but i'm very glad I visited this one.

Not only is the book written in a way which engages middle school readers, which, I have to admit is probably a comfortable place for my reading level too(!) but not once is it preachy nor does it take on the form of adults wanting to be 'down' with the kids. You captured Jessup's state of mine perfectly and brought back memories of my own awareness at the age of 12 and my utter dislike of my dad's latest girlfriend so I completely had sympathy for your MC. Sympathy? Hell I was cheering and egging him on!

I read chapters 1 through 4 and thought the were a masterclass in how to write children's book. Your voice is simply perfect for this style of book and the children characters you've created are so spot on that I've come to the conclusion you chose a certain childhood age a long time ago and decided never to grow up from there. Good for you! For me it's being early twenties that I never grew out of hence my MC's are that age too.

Children's book writers get an unfair deal i think, as children's books can be notoriously underappreciated financially but i hope very much you push the book in all areas as i believe it's worth it and any more you've got bubbling away. Get yourself an agent a.s.ap. because i feel you work will be loved by kids and the lucky adults that get to read it aloud. Six stars and backing.

Very Well Done!

Maria :-)

I read the first chapter. Loved it. The voice of Jessup is great. I relate with Jessup because I came from a broken home as well.

YARG review.
What a great imagination you have! The opening was great.

It always amazes me whens someone writes from the first person POV of a child, such as twelve year old Jessup, and is totally believable. As the narrator, his decisions and thinking are done with the emotions and rationalizations that a kid his age would have. Someone said that reading this was like watching a Disney movie. I agree :) Kids will love this.

Ash-THE SIREN'S HEART

mmm! - interesting 1st chapter, on my WL

JS

Excellent. This reads like a book already on library shelves, but not staying there long because kids will scramble to get their hands on it. You do well at everything--portraying Jessup and his dog, getting the language just right, adding some fantasy, dealing with the hard realities of divorce, telling the story like a most accomplished story teller. This will become a favorite among Jessup's age group--and some of us a bit older can enjoy it too. Bravo! I look forward to your comments on To Catch a Speckled Trout.

The opening scene to this novel is ingenious. Through the events taking place, you brilliantly reveal everything the reader needs to know to be grounded in the story. Too many authors provide page after page of background information that ought to be written into the story. This is a phenomenal example of how to do it right.

From there, I was impressed with how well targeted this is for the audience. The word choice is active and fitting for the genre, and I could easily see my middle school students loving every word of this.

I also felt the voice was authentic. The thoughts and feelings felt spot on for the age. And though the narrator occasionally seems older than twelve, I believed Jessup’s character. This was very effectively written.

I love that this is a Christian novel. Christianity needs a voice like this one for its MG audience.

Nice way to finish the opening chapter. Good hook!

To be honest, the only real problem I had with this was the time period. I felt it would be more effective if this took place in present day. Really you would only need to remove or modify the cultural references. For example: the game system. Nintendo 64 really dates the novel. Your target audience was in elementary school (or younger!) when the Nintendo 64 was popular. Providing more recent cultural bits (or none at all) might make this easier to market.

Other than that, I can see why this has risen so quickly in the rankings. I highly recommend checking it out.

I have read to chapter four and so far I'm impressed at how you have covered such a serious subject as divorce, and then blended it with a story that from chapter 2 is just unadulterated fun.

I have read at least 2-3 chapters of about twenty books already and most of them are serious stories, which is my usual preference. However sometimes it is nice to think it's serious and then be surprised with something, that between chapter 2-4, is so much fun. I loved the introduction of the professor and I'll keep reading as this is so much fun. I have rated it high because I feel strongly this story deserves to get more notice.

Thank you for inviting me to read this.

Steven

Donna,
Just finished reading all you have posted. Meant to only read a chapter or two but got sucked down the teleporter tube like the poor professor.
Wonderful, emotional story. Divorce fortunately is not something i've experienced but felt Jessup's pain too. When a character has such an unusual name, you might want to explain it, maybe family name, maybe its another thing in his life he hates, etc.
Good pacing, plot flowed. I could shoot you for pulling the ending chapters. Now I'll never know, did the vomit poop mixture ever come out of Jessup's house, who did Dad pick to love, who did Jessup pick to stay with, did the professor get to destroy the teleporter in time.
Just a few questions. If the first time the boys transported a book bag and were almost sucked along, poor ole Pecos was taken along and killed, why didn't it take one of the boys this time? How could they decide to risk it again? A little more justification and argument might help here.
I'm not any good with grammar, as you can see, but did spot a few things.
Ch.6, Para 8, Sent 2 -- omit felt
Ch 6, 6th pragrah up from the bottom. omit the first a
Ch 7 para 6, sent 3 - omit Even
Ch9 using lemons to make lemonade cliche, change to something fresher
Ch 10, para 7 saw her ... the way Dad might (see) her
Ch 10 Denise grabbed Mom's hand and (drug) her
Ch 10 and this sentence wasn't clear to me, not sure what to change
I landed on my hands and rolled a couple of times like I some them

Hope these were helpful. It's a great story, lot of emotion, good pacing, excellent, but your a bum for not posting the ending.
Good luck on your work, look forward to your comments on my book.
fledgling owl - The Milche Bride

I've only had time to read the first chapter so far, but this is really fantastic. Your use of both internal and external dialogue is excellent, and seems to fit quite well with your characters. Everything is portrayed in a very realistic fashion. I can't wait to read more!

-Sara

Very clean MS and the pace and scene set well in the first chapter with it leading well into the 2nd Chap. You handle the child’s perspective of the pending divorce well and there is a good mix of humor. My only comment up to Chap 4 is Raymond’s reaction to the scene. Just saying he never reacts feels a bit of a cop out without saying why. Is it because he is emotionally scarred, autistic etc. it just leaves it hanging too much. Probably easiest to have him react a bit more – good chance for some rivalry and/or humor while fleshing his character out a bit.
It was a smooth read to Chap 4, which is not common when reading on a computer so points for that! High stars for now and will consider it when I change my bookshelf at the end of the month.
All the best with it
Andrew
A Fatal Misuse of Time
Short pitch: Ever tried waking up yesterday instead of tomorrow? That is just the beginning of Tristan's troubles as his life is hijacked to reveal the future.


Any comments will be greatly appreciated.
Regards
Andrew

What a lovely read! especially from a child's point of view.. I read a few chapters and am looking forward to reading more when I've got some more time on my hands. A nice mix of YA and Sci-Fi! Well done and highly starred x

This was inadvertently left in my messages:

I read your story with great interest and I enjoyed doing so. Sci-fi isn’t a genre that I like as a rule but I know that children love it so I tried to assess the story through the eyes of a young teenager…not easy as they are generally speaking rather a critical lot. And there will be some criticism of some of the scenes in the book. However the faults if they are faults will be easily corrected by a competent editor and the story is strong enough to bear small revisions. My comments are as follows.

1…The story is imaginative, fast moving and credible. Some of the basic actions at the start need clarification…How did the professor program the teleporter to find the 12” television instead of the larger one that would have been in the lounge? Why didn’t the slimy condition of the professor cause the television to short out? Who did the terrorists represent? That sort of thing
2…The characters are well drawn emotionally but not so clearly defined physically. How could a twelve year old boy consider carrying the professor from the bedroom. Was he big for his age?
3….The emotion created in the opening chapter describing Jessop’s feelings and attitude were superbly described as was the ‘birth’ of the professor. Did the television really need to be switched off after Jessop had chopped it to pieces?
4…These small things slowed the story a little for me but having past them the story carried me along with it. I can see why the title has such a high position and I am sure that after a competent editor scans it the book will continue to do well.
Delbois

Hi, there – this is your CCRG review from AudreyB. I am often accompanied on my reviews by my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag. If I say anything you don’t like, it was probably her idea.

I like your pitches. They do a nice job of making me want to read further. Though I confess all the buzz about your book in forums may have primed me already. We are in dire need of YA written for boys, so I’m also already rooting for your success.

I love your opening paragraph. We know so much about Jessup. I know that he doesn’t like his dad’s girlfriend (or possibly the fact that he *has* a girlfriend). I know that he probably plays video games too much. If I were a YA, I’d relate to this guy. I also love how Jessup questions his faith from the start. Such a common scenario, and one seldom explored in today’s fiction. My only quibble with the first chapter is that I’d like more dialog. But other than that, I’m eager to proceed to chapter 2.

Random question: Is there a new Sears catalog?? This is set in the present. I haven’t seen a Sears catalog in at least twenty years

I teach struggling readers, and I could definitely see them warming up to this book. They’d relate to the predicament of Jessup and his parents, and they will appreciate that there is action aplenty in the early chapters

This is an engaging, well written YA book. Of course I love the fact that Jessup relies on his faith and hope that aspect gets the book noticed. I’d love to have this on the shelves in my classroom!

The very best to you,
~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

Donna,

I thought I had commented and rated your book earlier. I can‘t believe I didn’t. But then again, I haven’t had much time - your book has only been on this site for something like six, seven weeks? I wish I were an agent. I‘d snatch you right up! Well anyway, can I kill two birds with one stone and classify this as a YARG review and a review for the Christian Critique and Review Group?

Your book is fast-paced, witty, and so very relevant. I love the fact that you boldly face the tragic dilemma that too many kids face today (choosing between mom and dad) with an honest and healthy point of view.

Although my kids have never experienced divorce, I know they would enjoy the excitement in your book and appreciate the problem that Jessup is faced with. And any kid who has experienced the pain of their parent’s separation could escape their grief by losing themselves in your thrilling book.

I enjoyed the humorous quips that are interspersed through out your book. A few of my favorites:

“White-capped-acne-volcanoes growing on the side of his nose”

“I’d make a good Shaggy. Show me the food. Show me the door. But don’t show me the danger.”

“If eyes had the power to burn, Chris would be burnt toast”

“The car crept past, driving slower than my grandma.”

Your story keeps up a steady dose of tension that keeps the reader on the edge of their seat and your characters are all worthy of our liking and concern - even HER, Denise.

By chapter ten it looks as though all the adults are going to work together and the reader is given hope that just maybe, Jessup will survive his parents divorce. But will he survive the terrorists? Six stars and a promised backing!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Hello D.S.,
I finally got to reading your book. I read the whole thing, that is, as much as it would let me. I could not get chapter 11 and 12 to come up. When I hit them, chapter two comes up again it their place. I thought it was just my Kindle fire acting up, but this morning I tried it on my desk computer and the same thing was happening. It still could be my computer, but you probably need to check and see if that is what is actually happening when anyone else tries it. Please let me know if it is and if you fix it so I can read the last two chapters.
It was a fun story to read! Your descriptions of each character were detailed and clear that I could really see them. You captured the emotional thought life of a twelve-year-old so perfectly concerning his distress over his parents divorce. How do I know? My parents divorced when I was twelve and it brought back memories of how I hated my Dad's new lady and how I dreamed up ways to get my parents back together. I wish I had a story like this when I was that age. It will be great for other kids that will relate to it.
Congratulations on how well your book is doing. I hope to see it go to the editor's desk.
Lynn
"The Chair"

I had agreed to do a swap read with you a while back, but I have been so busy it has taken me a while so apologies for that!

I have read the first couple of chapters of your book and I have to say I'm really enjoying it! I think it flows really well and I find myself able to visualise everything really clearly; when Professor Strunk appeared out of Jessup's television I could imagine him getting stuck because you described it so wonderfully. I think you've got the child's voice exactly right, something I find really hard to do myself. I can empathise with his confusion over his parents' divorce. And I even got annoyed on his behalf when he was told he 'wasn't a child anymore' and he had to decide who he was going to live with.

So far, really likeable characters and a different storyline :)

Arriane

Hi Donna,
Just finished reading and have lots of easy technical feedback. I think this is a solid story with lots going for it! It was fun and easy to read, easy to follow, seems like you’ve got a great handle on writing for this age group. I found a lot of good description and action.
So … I did come up with lots of chippy stuff to pick on; the kind of stuff only true friends or editors tell you. 99% of what I’d recommend fixing is really easy stuff – spelling and punctuation, redundant phrases, etc.
There’s only one big change I’d suggest considering, and that would be to condense chapter one. It tells us over and over about Jessup’s feelings about the divorce and how he wants to stop it. You could probably tighten that quite a bit. Once we get past that the story rockets right along.
I was unfamiliar with the name Jessup. Perhaps it’s a regional name, or perhaps I just don’t get around much. The only reason this was an issue was that I pegged it as a girl’s name. So … if you wanted to address that you could either use a more clearly male name, or you could give us a stronger clue in chapter one…
The other name issue was with the Jones family. It forced you to use Jones’s throughout the tale, which just doesn’t roll off the tongue all that well. It might be easier to use a name that doesn’t end in “S”.
Okay, everything else is mechanics. There’s lots of it, but its easy stuff. (Commas and run-on sentences may be your Achilles’ heels.) I hope you can follow my cryptic notes and suggested rewrites as follows:
Chapter 1:
I’d re-order the sentence “Dan and I used to fish…” into something like “Dad and I used to work on his 65 Mustang together, or go fishing in old man Lyon’s pond. This summer we planned…”
“wang” in her voce supposed to be “twang?”
Listening….watching (get verb forms to agree)
To the point of being dumb. To top it all off, he had white-capped…
In the microwave (insert period.) None of it worked.
I knocked over my chair, scrambled across the bed and plastered myself against the wall. (In your version the chair is knocked over while scrambling across the bed, which only makes sense if the chair’s on the bed.)
Chapter 2:
With deep set eyes (remove comma) and hollow cheeks…
It pressed against the screen, looking out in what seemed to be surprise, then horror. (Jessup’s guessing what the professor’s feelings are).
Just when I thought he was going to suffocate (remove comma) he coughed violently (remove comma) and the film parted.
The last time I (remove ‘d) used it (remove comma) I chopped down the dead apple tree in the back yard.

Over the fence (remove comma) and crush the cactus
“Help me Chris.” (remove As) I dropped the axe. It clattered noisily across the floor.
[I’d consider ending chapter 2 at “I couldn’t hear Prof. Strunk breathing anymore.” (More of a cliff hanger.)]
Chapter 3:
At least six feet tall and (remove all 72”) every inch of him stretched… (If he’s not exactly six feet, the 72” figure is too precise)
Smoke hung in the room (and burned) burning my nose and eyes.
His voice raspy (remove comma) and wet.
The only after-effect(remove s) of the injections was a rubbery taste…
The judge had called me an adult, but I knew better. (I was just a kid.)
(I’d cut “cloak and dagger and spy stuff could do that to you.)
I’ve found the perfect (I’d cut “solution” because you don’t describe a problem) method for terrorists to use to deposit…
The professor’s discovery could (cut make, add lead to… the most (devastating? Doesn’t seem like the right word) extraordinary upheaval…
It would change (cut economies, change the balance of power and change…) the way people traveled, spent money and fought wars.
And (cut “visibly”. It has to be visible or Jessup couldn’t see it to describe it.) shrank into himself.
Chapter 4:
Then he could send roses (who could send roses? Jessup? The Professor? Maybe “I” could send roses.)
There was movement (. Cut “and not death.”)
Stomp my foot and shush (cut “the”) him.
I dragged the trash to the shed (; Chris tagged along behind me.)
(This was the weakest of your chapter endings. Maybe look for something stronger.)
Chapter 4/5:
Between the time I threw the trash in the shed and returned to the driveway, Denise had…
Denise (cut “visibly”) stiffened.
Up front, (cut “with him and Denise and settled”) settling him in the middle.
Peddled is supposed to be pedaled
I pushed (cut pushing) down the kickstand and dismounted, (cut left my bike on the sidewalk. As I walked.) then quickly scanned the nearby houses and cars for anyone lurking in the area.
For him to answer (cut ‘the door’)
Away the dishes (cut “and”). He left…
Chapter 6
In paragraph 5, at the Jones(‘s).
I took a steadying breath. (I thought one reference to Batman, Chuck Norris and Superman was enough. I’d drop repeat uses of it, or at least of the whole phrase.)
As I sneaked around the silver car (cut “exhaust fumes and I felt) . I felt heat radiating.
It stood open (.) A dim…
[Just a passing thought – what about placing this in 1942, when Hitler was a more common reference?]
Uncle is (cut “a”) worse than…
Blinds were pulled but one of the (cut “levelers” unless that’s at term used in some places. Not around here) slats was broken. Cautiously, I peered through the gap.
Chapter 7
By doing things I knew (cut “was”) were wrong.
God, please help me (fix word order) do the right thing
My dad (cut “suddenly”. It pops up too much throughout the book) appeared…
Are holding our moms (remove comma) and Professor Strunk
Faded, (cut “and”) the dots stopped dancing
Chapter 8:
How (fix: could’ve I) could I have
To protect us, (cut “and was”) (add “only to be”) sucked in
Chris pushed at me (cut: and I remembered he was behind me) from behind.
Stopped when he saw the (cut: mass) mess.
Man (cut: that) who sometimes
“What happened?” (cut: he charged.)
Chapter 9:
The way I saw it… (cut: We didn’t have any choice. You already said that.)
Now it was so thick (remove comma) I had to use both…
Chapter 10:
My watch (cut: suddenly) beeped. (You can say it startled you if you want)
I (cut: suddenly) decided.
Wooden ledge (cut: and), pulled myself up and looked through the window.
Glass (cut: shattered) shards sprayed across the floor.
Realization sunk in (remove comma). Then the jig would be up. The terrorists…
Leaned out the window (remove comma)(cut: and). I shoved him the rest of the way (cut: and); he toppled into the yard.
Like I’ve (cut: some) seen them do in movies
(cut: suddenly) I heard police sirens (could add: now).
Chapter 11:
I tried to load this and got chapter 2. Couldn’t get 12 either)

I hope this is the level of detail you wanted. Us writers are sensitive sorts. I think you’ve got a good thing going here and it should do well!
Cheers,
Tod

I ennjoyed this excerpt, especially the staccato language, which is entirely suited to the age group. Having run the book by 2 ten year old boys, the feedback was that they'd like to read it, so I think this would be the target market. Only style suggestion I had was that a couple of times consecutive sentences began with the same pronoun, and I wondered if it would be more effective to vary the sentence beginning. Otherwise a great read for that age group.

I really like this story. It grabs you from the start and I can see this as a film or TV series. Well done it's great.

D.S.
I have read the first three chapters.
While I confess that I found the first chapter a bit depressing to the point that I considered not going on, I was happy that I did. This is a good premise for its genre and I am not surprised that it is doing well.
I must nuance my comments by saying that I am a hesitant reader of YA, although my children and return reads on this site have made me aware of some wonderful titles. But I am a very infrequent reader of Christian novels, and I must confess I never read one before I joined the site. However, one thing that I am grateful to Authonomy for is that it has given me the opportunity to become acquainted with books that I would never consider reading otherwise.
To a person that does not read a lot of Christian books, having a 7th grader say:
"I used to like going to church, and praying, and leaning God's laws. But here lately, I couldn't give a hoot about God and his laws... It's not like obeying them and being faithful to Jesus changed anything."
Seems a litte contrived, (unless he is actually being asked about the subject, of course). However, I understand that this is part of the genre, and you do keep it to a minimum.
Another minor note is that the Nintendo 64 is a bit ambiguous, especially at the beginning. I think that this is a machine that has since been replaced by something shinier, right? But it is not clear if you wrote this when the 64 was new and exciting, or you are trying to put across that it, like the TV, was saved from the trash heap. I would worry that your young readers may not know what a Nintendo 64 is by the time this gets published and distributed (even if its next week). So maybe you could point out that it is ancient, as you do for the TV.
Another minor note, is a typo in your pitch.
"His invention has the power to change the way the world travels, shops, and fight wars."
Should be "fights wars"

Anyhow, more generally,
Hook and plot- I fully and completely understand why you decided to start with the background of how very miserable Jessup was about his parent's divorce, and what an absolute jerk his father is, and how Denise is adorable and loathsome... However, it does get a bit heavy. Again, this is not my genre (and you have tons of backers, so they must have read on) but I would be concerned that making the beginning quite this heavy would alienate some readers. Of course, your intended audience could include people who can really relate, so this may be completely appropriate.
Anyhow, I think that the hook for me comes with the cliffhanger at the very end of chapter one. Although it is a bit dependent on the title to pull it through.
The plot development works well in the segment I read, although it heavily depends on the professor's speech in chapter 3. At this point it is a good hook and plot, and moves me forward as a reader.
Character development- Jessup is very well done. We are inside his head, which is definitely a plus for character development. But you cleverly show his stress at being in an impossible situation (my goodness, this makes me angry- what a jerk his father is), but also by showing him with his friend and trying to get Denise angry, you show different facets of him.
You have painted a very broad idea of the other characters- Chris as a bit of a coward, his little sister as irritating, his father as an ass, and his mother as a victim. These are clearly defined and will surely come in handy later.
Mechanics- I was frankly not taking notes as I read, but I did notice two. One is "my two years old sister" - is this a colloquialism for two year old sister? Same comment with the five-year old.
Second one- "Since Dad had left, Mom began throwing the trash in the shed instead of taking them out front..." should be "taking it out front" or change trash for "trash bags"
Otherwise, nothing lept out at me.
Internal consistency and premise- Although I had a bit of a Back to the Future feeling, I quickly got over it as I read chapter three and began enjoying the premise. I think that the Doctor's description of the science is good, and the terrorist plot works also. I am looking forward to finding out just how Jessup is going to try to save his parent's marriage with this machine.

All in all, I think it is successful- although it is not my favorite genre.
All the best,
Maeve

Jessup and the Teleporter.
Your pitches make me realise how out-of-date I am - I'm totally at a loss as to what your story is really about. It seems to be two stories. But experience has taught me that children would know exactly what is happening.

I take notes as I read, but do not pretend to be an expert.

Ch.1. I knew it - nintendo games, and all the unintelligible jargon that goes with it. You may rest assured that your opening is authentic through and through.
And poor Jessup is so believable, with his anger, and grumpiness and resentment.
A chapter which gallops along, and a hand out of the blue ether to hook me into the next one.

Ch.2. 'like a puppy separating from afterbirth.' What an amazing simile, which makes the gruesome birthing of Prof. Strunk so vivid.
You dont want to repeat the word still where the TV is in the throes of birth.

Ch.3. Your writing is full of colour, and the story gallops along at breathless speed. Just what children love.
And I see how you are skilfully entwining the two stories. Your theory behind the teleporting experiment sounds sufficiently plausible for this grandmother, but have you tested it on real kids? I'm sure you must have.
You even make the urgent problem of terrorism dramatically believable. How do you do it?

Ch.4. 'Raymond had a way of leaving his mouth open when he was done speaking.' A great turn of phrase.

I just love your story.
Maxi-starred and onto my w'list for eventual backing.
No wonder you are soaring up the rankings.

Jane (Breath of Africa).

At first I thought maybe you repeated chapter 2 in both chapters 11 and 12 to make up the word count, but you are well beyonnd 10,000 so it doesn't look like you needed to do that- is that a mistake then?

D.S.~

I read through Chapter 2. Your voice is amazing—easily readable with just enough description and imagery. The pace is perfect. The editing is tight. If the rest of the story is this balanced, then you’re ready to publish this very publishable book!

Finding no major issues, the following details are specifics on Content & Mechanical things that I noticed. Once again, the novel is outstanding. These are simply screws that can easily be tightened even further.

CONTENT
- Nintendo? I’m not sure what year your novel is set in, but if you ask teens what game systems they currently own… [Never mind…I read to the end of the chapter…lol]
- Can you “smash” a button? Sounds like permanent destruction! Lol Perhaps pressed, pushed or squeezed would work better?
- Recurring words keep popping out to my editorial eye. “pushed BACK” and “threw BACK” in consecutive paragraphs. The same thing with “ever SINCE” and “everyday SINCE”.
- “Mom sat at the kitchen table and listened with shiny eyes.” Eyes with ears? :) Perhaps revise to: “Mom sat at the kitchen table and listened with a gleam in her eyes.” Or, another version that makes it clear that it's Mom's eyes that are shiny, not her ears.
- I didn’t find a reason in the text for Jessup NOT wanting to stay with his Mom. It is clear why he doesn’t want to stay with Dad/Denise. Trapped with Mom’s unhappiness? No meatloaf? It feels like we need something a little heavier.
- I like how you italicized “szhnphz”. (Great word by the way!) have you considered italicizing “buzz-ut-huhs”?
- Are Professor Strunk’s shoulders “bulging against the four sides”? Maybe the two sides, or his shoulders and chest bulging at all four?
- Should Prof address Jessup by name during his initial plea for help? This would play into the voice recognition.
- Word repetition in one paragraph: “I WORKED for Professor…” and “Since I started WORKING for him, he’d been WORKING…”
- “Fold up like an accordion…” Perhaps: “COMPRESS like accordion billows”?
- The “maggots” line may present better without the jumping-bean analogy.
- Outstanding page-turner endings for both Chap 1 & 2.

MECHANICS
- These terms should be hyphenated: “burned-out”, “grown-up”, “rusty-colored” (maybe “rust-colored” instead?), “wood-grain”. [Generally, hyphenate between two or more adjectives when they come before a noun and act as a single idea.]
- Unnecessary comma: “…fall over the fence, and crush the cactus…”
- In the axe scene, the subject verb in two consecutive sentences makes it sound like Jessup is shouldering the banana peel. Lol. Check it out. You’ll see what I mean.

Outstanding work. I am quite impressed. Highly-starred!

~Lucas
http://www.authonomy.com/books/41102/capritare-the-cycles-begin/

I read the first chapter, impressed at how clean and easy it read, and enjoyed the development of Jessup. But then chapter two latched onto me and wouldn't let go. The pace is relentless. The 12" TV giving birth to a full grown man is handled convincingly.

There was one line of dialogue in the first chapter, where Jessup is telling his friend, Chris, of his plan to make his dad jealous... it didn't feel right to me that a 12 year old boy would use the phrase, "...a hot looking guy..." This I think sounds more like a 16 year old girl.

This story is unusually inventive, and this is what impressed me most.

Excellent writing. I'm rating it six stars, and will be backing it as soon as I have shelf space.

Rodney (Entwined)

The first thing that struck me about this story is how well D.S. Hale manages to show us Jessup's deepest feelings of lose and his anxiety about his future in such a natural way, without him baring his soul. This is an excellent YA book. You deliver all that the Tags promise, action packed adventure.
Backed and Highly stared.
Best wishes,
Olive.

I love this!! My favourite line 'Great, Chris, but do I look Mexican?... sometimes Chris said the strangest things that didn't make sense.'
Only thing bothered me, and it might just be me- near the beginning he says, 'what kind of judge expects a 12 year-old...' I might be wrong here, but I couldn't help thinking a kid wouldn't be thinking that! It sounded like an adult talking.
That was it. The rest so far is great! I really like the way it starts straight off with the action from the vid game. And it's funny! Hope I do see this as a film one day! I'm hoping to get this on my shelf when there is a space!!!

Hi I have at last got round to looking at your book! I had not read it before because I was slightly put off by the genre of Christian. However, I have really enjoyed reading your opening chapters and I can understand the much-deserved praise. Your main character is very well-developed and you describe his feelings about his parents' divorce with just the right tone. I was a little surprised to learn that Jessup is only twelve years, from the writing he appears slightly older. But obviously that is just my opinion and you should be guided by the majority view!
I liked the image of Chris disappearing under the bed. I think that is a very realistic response to the situation!
Just a couple of tiny points. It's a little disjointed where Jessup hears the springs of his sister's bed next door. Perhaps she could call out first to alert us to her presence. There are also a few American terms/references that non-Americans wouldn't be familiar with, relevant if considering an international market? All-in-all I liked the first two chapters and will put it on my watch list with a view to read more when I have a moment.
All the best.
Julia
Shadow Jumper

Read chapter one of "your baby." I love the mix of humor, yet the serious and relevant topic of family issues. By putting your book in a scifi-type genre, you're making it unique. Your main character is realistic and enjoyable. Good luck!

Jonie - Leave Me Asking

This is a really cool story filled with suspense, drama, humor and faith. It's extremely entertaining and hard to put down. The pace is exhilerating and the suspense spellbounding. Great job, could even be a family-fun action sci-fi movie. Will continue reading and make room on my shelf for it.